I scorned her but another man is set to marry her

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My case is very complex and painful because lack of satisfaction pushed me into the situation I have found myself in. About four years ago, God blessed me with the most wonderful woman I have been fortunate to know. I am a widower and I make bold to say that when it comes to the nitty-gritty of it all, not even my late wife I prided with tolerance could match this lady’s. At over 60, I have enough experience of women to know when a woman is faking affection. Even though I am very comfortable, able to afford whatever kind of lifestyle she wanted to live, I withheld my money, pretended I couldn’t afford so many things but she didn’t mind. As long as I was happy, she was too. She would use her money to cook and even get me gift items. She took care of my grandchildren as her own and accepted everyone close to me. The fact that she could hold her own financially initially got me scared. I kept asking myself if I could ever control her should I marry her but she passed all the tests I deliberately put her way. Whatever I did was okay by her as long as I was happy. All my friends who met with her begged me to marry her; even the most difficult of my sisters all aligned with her just as my children all wanted her. Everybody agreed that she has the kind of heart to care for my children when I am gone. Once, her younger sister was getting married and wanted me to attend with her. Not only did I decline to go; I gave her only N10,000.00. I was actually expecting her to turn down the money but she instead went on her knees to thank me. Though I felt guilty at the way I treated her but I didn’t change my mind about not attending or supporting her with more money. At times, I would deliberately not answer her calls for days; even though she was the one always calling me. At other times, I would purposely send her messages meant for my other girlfriends to her just to test her reactions. She took everything in her stride. Most times, I would ask her to come only for her to get to my house and I will not be anywhere to be found. I must have really humiliated her because after a while, she stopped coming or calling me. I would send her mails she won’t even reply. Now I hear she is getting married and I want her back in my life. One would have thought at my age, I would have behaved better but a man will always be a man no matter his age. Pity an old foolish man who found a very rare kind of gold but threw it away due to a combination of all negative feelings. I have suddenly realized that my life is empty without her and that all the women I thought were important at the time she was with me don’t mean anything. I foolishly assumed she will always be there for me because in all honesty no woman has ever loved me the way she did. Do you think it is too late for me to beg for her forgiveness? Now it isn’t just a matter of her coming back to me alone but asking for her forgiveness at the humiliating ways I treated her. She is a divorcee with grown up children. I also didn’t like the fact that her house is filled with people. She is this kind of woman who is always picking strays off the streets and giving them a home. Matthias. Dear Matthias, With all due respect deserving of your age, you didn’t act like a man who has seen all the colours of life. You acted like a young man who is still very ignorant of the ways of God and how He patterns the movement of life. On what basis do you seek this woman back in your life? Do you want her to come and continue the dance of humiliation you made her go through all because she made the mistake of falling in love with you or to come and marry you after she has found the man worthy of her love and kind of person? What pleasant memory do you want her to return to? The devaluing of her feelings for you or the fool you made her appear to be when all she wanted was love from you? Surely by now you should know that life doesn’t work that way. There is no way she can come back to you. From your own account there is nothing she has forgotten in your life or heart that she would want to come back to. You represent for her a painful memory; a man whose actions and reactions must have left her an emotional wreck severally. You had your chance with her; you abused it with your lack of focus, greed for women, wickedness and insensitivity. Any man whose mind roams from one woman to the other ends up suffering your kind of loss. The best you could have done was, inform her you were no longer interested in her and not treat her with cruelty. Had you done that the door of communication would still have been ajar for you to walk through now that you have come to some realization of what you really want from life. It would have made asking her for forgiveness easier and a foregone issue. Hell has no fury like a woman who is scorned. She may not be in the mood now to listen to whatever you have to say especially now that she is preparing for her wedding to someone else. Your presence will only bring back unpleasant memories she may not want to remember for now. You indeed made a fool of her. It takes time to heal this kind of memories you bequeathed her. The best you can do for her now is to wish her good luck in her new life. To want her to come back is akin to pure wickedness and total disregard for her feelings for this other man. Besides, in the other man’s shoes, how would you feel if the woman you are about to take to the altar, dumps you at the last minute? The best you can do for yourself is to forget that your paths ever crossed in life. She has obviously found that thing you couldn’t give her in another man. This man too also saw something you never saw while she was with you. Besides, question your motive for wanting her back in your life to be sure you even understand what you really want in life? Are you sure your new position about your feelings for her isn’t because she is getting married to someone else? Isn’t your new position a case of what I don’t want, no other person must want? Doubtless, you are at that vulnerable age when a man needs a woman in his life. A time would come when you will no longer be strong enough to move around, when you will need the presence of a particular woman in your life all the time. Women may come and go but you will desire one you will always come back to; keep company with during those achy nights. Life is about learning from our mistakes. Now you know you require a woman but it doesn’t end there. You have to ask yourself why you were very cruel to your ex in particular. This is the key to finding your happiness in your old age. Is it that you are afraid of another woman taking the place of your late wife or that you don’t want to answer to another woman in your life? What you did to this woman is inexplicable. I am sure if you are required to proffer an explanation that will diagnose the actual reason you behaved so badly towards her, you won’t be able to. Use the opportunity provided by the present circumstances to ask yourself some essential questions. What kind of woman do you really want? Are you in real need of a woman for that matter? Deep down have you gotten over the death of your wife? Are you looking for her in another woman or looking for a woman to make you happy? What kinds of disappointments did you suffer in your former marriage? Are these disappointments the salient reasons behind your wariness in having a serious relationship with any other woman? Be honest with yourself. It will give you a clue into your reason for maltreating this other woman as well as help you move forward in life. Besides, you don’t have to see her to apologise for the way you treated her. A phone call to wish her well in her new life is enough to communicate your apologies to her. Finally ask God for the grace to be happy again in life. Good luck.

He forbids me near my stepchildren

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My marriage is 14 years old. My husband had been married to two other women before I met and married him. I didn’t meet any of these women in his house. According to the stories I heard, he didn’t actually marry any of these women. They were just his live-in lovers who had children for him. Even during our early days, beyond telling me about his children from these two women, he didn’t answer any question I asked about them. But he warned me on the night of our wedding day never to get myself involved in any fetish thing because that would end our marriage. He also warned me never to allow the children or their mothers into his home or near me. As time went on, I tried to reconcile him with the children at least. Again he warned me to allow sleeping dogs be. One day, the house-help mistakenly admitted one of the children in and that marked the end of her job and me, the beating of my life. After that incident, I stayed away from any matter that would bring about any problem between us. But of recent, I have reasons to wonder if I am doing the right thing. At least as his wife, I have the right to know what the issues are because should anything happen to him; I will be blamed by the family. Sometime last year, his eldest daughter had a terrible accident that has kept her at the hospital since then. At first I didn’t know but when I eventually found out from his sister, I pressured her to take me to the hospital. She delayed until my husband traveled to Abuja for an official assignment before taking me to visit my stepdaughter. I was shocked at her state and made up my mind to ask my husband to fly her abroad. Unfortunately, I had an accident on my way from the hospital. Fortunately, I wasn’t injured but that brought to the open all the issues he has been sweeping under the carpet. After tongue lashing me for defying his orders, he told me about the incidents that made him drive away the women from his life. According to him, the first and second wives belonged to a cult that wanted to kill him. They tried and when they couldn’t get him, they killed his third wife during labour. The woman died with her child prompting him to seek spiritual help from a deliverance pastor. After deliverance, he was warned by the pastor never to allow any of the women and children come into his house and that whosoever he marries should keep her distance from them all. He said my disobedience almost cost him my life because they wanted to use me to buy back the life of his ailing daughter. I honestly would have dismissed him but in recent times I have been having some terrible dreams concerning me and my first daughter. In the dream, some forces would be trying to pull my first daughter and I away from the grips of my husband. My elder brother, a pastor recently called to warn me to be careful as well as to be very prayerful. I am scared and don’t know if I should tell my husband about all these. I fear his temper more than anything else. He can be very unpredictable. Please help me. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, Which do you think would be more terrible for him? You and your daughter dying; or telling him about the dreams? No matter how terrible his temper is, he has the right to know the spiritual battle that is brewing in his family. Besides, you need him to stand in gap for you and your daughter. That dream is self explanatory. Your husband has the ability to withstand the forces from getting to you and your child. One way he can defeat the enemy is to be on his knees in prayers. If he isn’t aware of what is going on, how can he be of help to you? Besides, fear is a weapon the enemy uses effectively to cripple a victim from seeking the assistance of God in this kind of situation. From your dreams, God has equipped your husband to be your protector so why run away from him? It is not your fault that they are waging war against you. There was no way you could have known what the matters were since he didn’t tell you. In addition, you did what every reasonable woman would have done in similar situation. Whatever the father feels or says, the lady on that hospital bed is his daughter. Even if one’s enemy is involved in such a grave accident, sympathy must be expressed. This girl’s condition warranted your visit her at the hospital. You did right which is why the evil meant for you didn’t happen. God is a jealous God who watches over His own with everything that makes Him God. What you need in your marriage and life is the Spirit of God to make you bold. There is nothing anyone can do to you as long as you are confident in the ways of God. After telling your husband about your dream, both of you should cultivate the habit of praying together as a couple. Praying as a couple, builds a wedge of fire around the family. Once you and your husband agree on anything, it will come to pass. There is also the need for your husband to come clean with everything in his past life. This battle won’t end just like that. You must know the powers you are up against as well as the reasons he is having problems with them. What kinds of things did he get into in his past or did he do to these women to make them join forces against him? He has to learn to trust you with details of his past since you have been dragged against your wish into the mess of his past. The fact that the war is spreading to your children makes it imperative for you to stand your ground on having the full details. Let him know he isn’t protecting you by asking you not to allow them into your home or come into contact with any of them. Whether he likes it or not, all of you will come into contact someday. Adults can avoid each other but children can’t. This is why your husband has to find ways of settling the matter before it is too late. Two innocent lives have gone over this matter why risk more? In addition to asking for the assistance of your brother in this matter, ask your brother how he can be of help to your family. You must also go on your knees to seek the face of God to intervene in every area of your family life. Being a pastor, it will be easier for him to do. In the interim, don’t relent on your oars at all. Make sure you are not far from your knees praying endlessly for your family. There is also the need to let some of your in-laws into what is happening in your home because this matter is clearly beyond you. It is far more complex than you alone can handle. Also, you have to exonerate yourself from the decisions of your husband to protect your children later in life. The reason being, his line of action will at the end of the day produce more bad blood between you and the others. People who are unaware of the orders he gave you will wonder and generally accuse you of monopolizing him to the exclusion of his other children. God forbid, anything happens to him, you will not find it easy at all. So, use this opportunity created by the accident to tackle this problem once and for all. One thing you should make clear to him is that those children are part of him; the house he refused them entry today, will be opened to them when he dies. So, wisdom demands he tackles all primary and secondary problems associated with his relationships with their mothers. The children are innocent parties to whatever atrocity their mothers committed. They will never understand why your children are enjoying the attention of their father while they are made to starve for his affection. Since he can get close to them, encourage him to arrange a meeting of all of them to explain the reasons behind his actions. With the way he is going about it, he is unknowingly laying a very bad foundation, one that will not augur well for all of you. Ask God to show you how to handle this challenge once and for all. Good luck

After rejecting me; they now desire my forgiveness

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I don’t know how the world would perceive me but I have nowhere else to go but to seek help from you. I have two children from my failed marriage and since then, I have been solely responsible for the up keep of my children. My parents though well to do turn their back on me for marrying outside their choice for me. This provided my husband the perfect background to maltreat me and even invite other women into our matrimonial home. When I couldn’t take anymore of it, I packed out and since then have been on my own. The beginning was really rough for me since I couldn’t take up any job that will take me far from my children. Severally, I tried to go back to my parents for help but, they wouldn’t listen. My mother especially was very hostile because all along she wanted me to marry her best-friend’s son. My younger sister eventually married him and today she is dead as a result of a domestic accident she had when they were fighting. From what I heard, the boy is on drugs and was at one time in rehabilitation home in England. This fact was unknown to my parents until the incident that killed my sister. Not even my late sister looked my way. Although it was just she and I, she supported our parents’ decision to turn their backs on me. There is this incident I remember clearly; when my son was five months old, I couldn’t raise the money to take him to the hospital for his immunization because all the money I had went into paying for an accommodation. I took my daughter and son to see my parents, my mother called them bastards and instructed the gateman to lock the gate against us. It was our neighbor that eventually gave me money and told her driver to take us back home. Since then, this woman has been a pillar of support; always sending money to me as well as food. At times, she would send the driver to give me money for children’s fees. I don’t know what I would have done without her help and assistance. She actually introduced me to the business of buying and selling. She would give me clothes on credit to sell. Eventually through this assistance, I was able to open my own boutique near the house. Now I have three of such shops. Till date, she still gives me things on credit at the cost price she buys. It was through her I got to know about my sister’s death two years ago. I immediately went to see my parents but my mother accused me of coming to mock her and warned me never to come again into her house. Since then, I deleted all their numbers, tore up every picture I have of them. It was more than I could endure. I must have succeeded because I didn’t know my mother was seriously ill or that my father had a family outside us. But before Christmas, our neigbour requested I followed her to see an old friend of her family. I didn’t hesitate at all. By the time we got to the place, I recognized the house as belonging to my aunty, my mother’s younger sister. I didn’t want to go in but our neigbour urged me in. I met my mother looking very old on the sofa. She wanted me to sit by her but I declined and instead sat by the chair nearest the door. She wants me to forgive her and take her back as my mother. According to my aunty, everywhere they took her to, she was told to reconcile with me and my children if she wants to live. My father too has been calling me but I have refused to answer his call. He sent a text message that I should see him urgently; that he would have come if he knew where I was. Please help me because I am confused. I made a vow never to have anything to do with them. How can I reverse the curse I placed on myself not to ever call them my parents? I don’t want to die. What do I do? How can I and my bastards forgive her? Erinayo. Dear Erinayo, Under the laws of our land, there are no bastards. Besides, your children have a father who has not denied their paternity. So the issue of you and your bastards forgiving her doesn’t arise at all. Your children are legitimate and must be taught by you to forgive their grandmother or anyone who offends them. This is the principle of God. Nothing will happen to you because God Himself ordained this moment. He is a God of mercy and allows certain major occurrences in our lives, for us to appreciate Him the more. What you should do is to forgive your parents. God simply wants you to understand His person and reasons for your creation better. Placing a curse on yourself was needless; something you did in ignorance because you were never in charge of your life in the first place. God whose plan your life is knew where the pendulum would swing even before it started undulating. Your parents thought they knew it all; had everything wrapped up in their blinded determination to play god in your life. They didn’t factor in God’s plans at all in their reactions and treatment of you. Perhaps your sister would still have been alive if they hadn’t pushed her to marry the wrong man. Had you agreed to their plans, you won’t be alive today and certainly not in a position to be begged by anybody. That you are alive, doing well and being begged by the same people who didn’t want to have anything to do with you, are enough reasons for you to forgive them. The woman that helped you didn’t have. She could easily have fallen into the trap of being judgmental like all those who didn’t bother to look for you. I am sure if you had the kind of support you got from her initially, you wouldn’t have had the need to go to your parents for money to care for your child. The God that is sending your mother back to you to beg for forgiveness; sent this woman to assist you and your children to be alive and stable. God wanted to teach your parents the lesson of humility and patience to those around them. If they could treat you in such a despicable manner it goes without saying that they must be very harsh and uncompromising in their dealings with people around them. They too must have learnt one or two things from all these. Furthermore, they are your parents irrespective of what they did to you. If she dies before you are able to forgive her, will you be able to forgive yourself? How will that woman whose shoulders carried you when the whole world turned its back against you; judge you? Anybody who pays evil with evil is equally guilty of the same offence the other person is being accused of. The curse you placed on yourself can be reversed by you. God knows you said it out of pains and is willing to erase it from his records but what He won’t ever forget is for you to disrespect your parents. Don’t forget His instruction that we honour our father and mother so that our days on earth will be long. More than ever before, your mother needs you. You are all she has left having lost a daughter and her home to another woman. You and your children are now her only candle. Bring her to your house; teach her what true love is; allow her grandchildren become her balm of recovery. She needs a reason to live again and to be happy. No mother prays to experience the death of a child. Being a mother you should understand her pains and agony. Even if she didn’t come to you, your duty to her now is to look after her. As for your father, go and hear him out. This isn’t the time for you to play the victim but to be the rally point of strength for the family. Your father and mother are hurting deeply and no matter how many children your father has, you will still be his daughter. This is the time to get your father to talk about his marriage to your mother, his disappointment as well as the way forward for all of you. it is also the time to get your mother to have another look at her life with a view of drawing close to God. It is the only way to justify the goodness of God in your life as well as show appreciation for all the love your parents’ neighbour showed you. Good luck.

How do I present myself to her?

With Agatha Edo, Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I graduated with second class upper in psychology but since I couldn’t get a job five years after, I decided to make do with whatever kind of job came my way. That was how I became a security man to this successful business man. I didn’t bother to inform him about my qualifications since I was scared it might act as a barrier to my being employed. Beyond the usual greeting permitted by my position, I kept my distance from the man and his family members. EveTn if I wanted to be familiar with them, his wife and children were very snobbish except for the set of twins among them. These two, a boy and girl were just like their father, very respectful and caring. They would stop to greet me and gist. Their father too never ceased to ask after my welfare or those of my family members. Once when my mother took ill, he not only gave me money but excused me from my duty post for a week to attend to her. Through our discussion, the twins discovered I was a graduate. Infact, I became their friends as I helped them with their assignments since they were also reading my course. Their mother was hardly around so didn’t notice our closeness. Some how, the girl among the twins and I fell in love. None of us could explain how it all happened but we found ourselves consumed by our feelings for each other. Being in her final year, we decided we should keep it to ourselves because we knew what her mother and elder sisters would say. Naturally, her twin got to find out. He gave us his support but warned of his mother reactions if she gets to find out. We were able to conceal it, or so we thought. My boss’wife got to know and one afternoon, came to my post, slapped me, threatened to call in the Police if I didn’t leave her daughter and house alone. That was how I was sacked. Fortunately, I had enough savings and with the support of her daughter and son, I was able to begin my business. All these happened 18 months ago and now she is pregnant. I have kept procrastinating the day, I would go back to that house to meet the woman that almost killed me for dating her daughter. How would she react when she discovers that I am still dating her daughter and that she is pregnant for me? Will she ever give me her blessing to marry her daughter; me who in her opinion is a common gateman and a nobody? Please help me, teach me what to say and how to handle this woman, her words are law in that house. Paul. Dear Paul, It doesn’t matter anymore if her words are law in that house. You no longer work for her and, you are not going to her as a beggar. Let her say whatever she has to say, learn to control your temper as a man. Go there as a man sure of himself. Remember you are no longer who she knew you as or thought you were. What you need is confidence in yourself and in your achievements since you left them. Most of the time, we are treated or received the way we present ourselves. The moment she suspects you to be afraid of her, she will continue to treat you as being a nobody and, inferior to have her daughter as a wife. The only business you have with her is the fact that she is the mother of the woman you intend spending the rest of your life with and for that simple fact, deserves your respect. Beyond that, make it clear to her through your body language that you are not the same man she maltreated some months ago. Besides, she isn’t the one you are going to meet; you are going to meet the girl’s father to inform him of your intention to marry his daughter. Eighteen months ago, you were his employee and now, you are now a young successful business man. God has vindicated you. This is the time to let them know that even while you worked for them as a security man, you were already a graduate of five years. However, it would be best she prepares her father first because he too may feel offended by what he would perceive as an effrontery on your part. Before going to his house, ask your girlfriend and her brother to accompany you to his office. Go with your certificate and prove of your business success. Ordinarily, you don’t have to go this far but given the circumstances you met and the way you left, you need to take these measures to win him over. He may not be as obvious as his wife but, deep down the desire of every father is to marry his daughter into some measure of comfort especially as the daughter in question is used to a certain level of ease. No matter how good natured he is, he won’t readily support your involvement with his daughter in the image he has of you. And the moment he joins his wife in mounting opposition against your relationship with their daughter, irrespective of whether or not she is pregnant, it might not be so easy to get him to listen objectively to whatever you have to say. If you don’t first see him outside the company of his wife, he would think you are an opportunist. Confide in him about your past struggle to get a good job before you were forced to take on the job of security man in his house. If he is as humble as you say, he would appreciate your kind of person, your determination to succeed at all cost. He would value you as the right man to marry his daughter. By the time you meet with the entire family, a lot of rough edges would have been ironed out. As long as you made it without any kind of support from him or his wife, they would have no reason to think you are after their wealth. Just learn to be respectful to them, irrespective of whatever the reaction of other members of the family is to you. The important thing is the love and support of your wife and her twin brother. Good luck.

He won’t let me bring my child home

With Agatha Edo, Email:womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Before I married my husband several years ago, I told him about the son I had when I was in school. I didn’t hide anything from my husband including the decision of our two parents that my son stays with his father’s parents to enable me continue with my education. I also told him of my desire to have my son come visit me from time to time. In addition, I made it clear to him that any man that married me must be ready to marry my son as well since he is an integral part of my existence. He agreed to all my conditions before we got married. You can therefore imagine my surprise when my son indicated interest in coming to visit me after three years of marriage and my husband turned him down. He didn’t give any explicit and cogent reason beyond the fact that he wasn’t ready to receive him yet and that when he was, he would let me know. Not wanting to rock the boat of my young marriage, I allowed him have his way. My marriage is almost 10 years old and my son who will be 21 and in his final year at the university still hasn’t been allowed into my home by my husband. Although he visits but he has never slept over in my house because of my husband’s lack of warmth whenever he comes around. It hurts because the boy has to come to the office anytime he wants to see me. Fortunately he understands my helplessness but for how long can I continue to tolerate the situation? If I had hidden the knowledge of the existence of my child from him, I would have understood his reluctance to allow the boy come into his house but this is a man that agreed to my terms and accepted. To make things worse, I didn’t complain about him bringing a child he never told me he had with another woman into my house so why should he stop me from bringing my child into the house? I want to confront him on the issue because I am very hurt and consider his attitude towards me as being very unfair and callous. I also have a right to ask him to take his child out of our house as being suggested by some of my friends but I don’t want to because I cherish my marriage and respect his feelings but he doesn’t respect mine at all. Please help me because I am getting to that point in which I can no longer endure the situation especially as the grandparents of my son are both dead. His father, though is very protective of his son, is married and his wife is yet to have a child. He spends his time more with his friends when he has a mother alive. I can’t bear it anymore. I don’t want him joining bad company as a result of lack of proper attention. My son cannot be made to suffer for the mistake I made as a young girl. I won’t tolerate it anymore. The poor boy has suffered my lack of effective presence for too long. I can’t be alive and my son is homeless. Something will have to give. Please advice me before I make a mistake I might later regret. Why can’t he accept my son the same way I have accepted his daughter? Juliana Dear Juliana, Nobody said anything about life being fair to a woman. The life of a woman is that of many painful choices. There is always a choice to be made for the woman. You cannot fight your husband on account of his attitude towards your son. Don’t forget you made the choice to sleep with the boy’s father without any form of protection and to keep him when you discovered you were pregnant. Nobody forced you into that situation. Whether you realised it back then or not, that decision to keep him changed so many things about your life. Granted your husband made you those promises, they were made under what can be tagged duress. He wanted you at all cost in his life and the only way possible was to promise you the things you asked of him back then. He knew admitting what he really felt about having your son come live with you would make the task of convincing you to marry him more difficult so, he chose the less tedious -making you a promise you wanted to hear. In fairness to him, at the point he made you such promises, you left him with no choice but to agree to your terms since he wanted you so badly in his life. When a man desires something desperately, there is no telling what he would do or say to have his way. To put your marriage on the line because of that promise he made in his desperation to marry you will amount to cutting your nose to spite your face. Thank God your son is responsible; if he has the tendency to associate with the wrong people, he would have done it before now. That he has a relationship with you means he isn’t blaming you; he understands what is going on in your marriage. All you have to do is to continue to support him in everyway possible including renting a place for him close to where you stay so as to keep an eye on his movements. If he is in his final year at the university, he is more than matured enough to handle his affairs. The accommodation is for him to have a place to come to when on holidays or finished from school. Follow this by sitting your husband down for a discussion especially if you haven’t discussed the matter with him. There is always a way out of every situation. Hear his reasons for going back on his promises to allow the boy come live with you. Sometimes, issues aren’t always the way we perceive them to be. Don’t make reference to his child he brought home to you. To do that is to complicate issues between the two of you. Simply demand to know why he doesn’t want your son in his house after almost a decade of marriage. But bear in mind that not every man can handle the thought of another man having had their wife. Deep down, the presence of your child may just remind him about a time in your past he doesn’t want to remember. Besides, the choice before you is not just about your first son alone; think about the other children whose lives will also be affected if you push this issue too hard in your marriage. There is a limit even a good issue can be pushed. Marriage is strong but can be very fragile if given too much burden to carry. Allow this matter be. Your son doesn’t need you as much as he needed you when he was younger. He is no longer a child but a young adult who may not want all the attention you are now showering on him. Besides if you could ignore him all these years, why are you now so bothered about him? Frankly your concern over his welfare is almost 21 years too late. Your husband isn’t so keen on having him because when he met you, the boy was comfortably settled in the life you have arranged for him. If he had been with you from his early age, he would have had no choice but marry you with the child. As it is now, he didn’t meet the child with you. Above all, for the sake of everyone, allow peace reign in your marriage. Very soon your son would begin a family of his own. Good luck.

He has two children from different women

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Thanks for your selfless service to humanity. I started dating at the age of 13 as a result of poor parental upbringing. The first man I dated was a thief and I never realized it. The second one betrayed me by sleeping with my best friend. Now the third one is breaking my heart. I met him in my final year in secondary school in 2008. To call him an animal in human skin is putting it mildly. Last year, a lady called me to announce that she has a son, who is four years of age for my boyfriend. She told me to leave him alone because they are getting married even though she is five years older than he is. When I confronted him with what the woman claims, he said he was scared of telling me about her since he didn’t want to lose me. Besides, according to him she was already pregnant when we met in 2008. He said they met in a club. That I am the only one he loves and desires to spend the rest of his life with. I forgave him and continued with the relationship only for him to call me aside recently to confess another son he has from another girl who is younger than I am by two years. She is 20 while I am currently 22 while he is 23. He also said he lied about his age. that he is actually three years older than I am instead of the earlier one year difference he told me about. Now he has come to the sudden realization that we are not meant for each other after all these years of wasting my time. He appears to be more in love with the second lady whose picture he used as his screensaver. I am heartbroken, he has never given me a pen since we started dating aside the N100 recharge card he gave me in 2008 when we just started dating. I have not seen him in the last three weeks. Whenever I call his phone, a lady usually answers. My friends have told me to forget about him but I am still in love with him. Please help me Agatha. His parents don’t know about the children. I am confused. Confused Girl. Dear Confused Girl, You have devalued yourself and life enough. Time you took your life more serious. A woman is as good as the definition she gives her life. There is no woman who isn’t at risk of being taken advantage of by a man but as long as she is clear minded about what she wants, she will come out smelling roses at the end of the day. That your parents were unable to take care of you doesn’t excuse the kind of life you have elected to live. You made the choice from that early in life because you wanted to. There are girls from far less privileged families than yours but who resisted the urge to capitulate to the attraction of their bodies. Doubtless, you were too young to comprehend the complications of the choice you made back then but at 22, and going by the experiences you enumerated in your letter, you should by now know how to redefine your life. At your age, your parents are no longer to blame for the choices you make; you are your own caretaker. You cannot continue to cite the financial position of your parents as reason for the gradual destruction of your life. Judging by your story; it is in your interest to let go of this boy. He will end up destroying you as well as your self-esteem as a woman. Whether his family knows about his sons or not is immaterial to the matter at hand. What is: is the kind of life he has embraced. Can you cope with it? Will you ever be happy with a man who has no qualms shopping for women at every bus-stop and impregnating them at will? There are three kinds of people we come across in life. The ones good for us, always ready to offer assistance and support whenever needed; whose love is unconditional and are patient. There are those that don’t impact anything into our lives; they just come and go out of our lives without us having a recollection of them after they have left. Then, there are those that empty our lives of God’s goodness and blessings. They are the kind of people that take everything away from us, our prestige, dreams and self-esteem. Often than not, they leave very bitter taste in our mouths forever. These three categories of persons reflect in our relationships. As a girl, you will meet a man whose desire is to help you become someone in life, just as you will meet a man who has no impact whatsoever in your life. The last and dangerous, is the man who is out to devalue, bankrupt and empty your life of everything good. Unfortunately, those in the last category are the ones many young girls get stuck to. This is because they are the ones with the sweetest words and the most charm women love so much. A young girl not clear minded about what she wants, ends up wasting all her time pursuing shadows created by this kind of men in her life. This is precisely what you are doing with this young man. You are busy chasing shadows of love instead of stepping out and finding the real thing with a man who is focused. Whatever the politics he is playing with his age, the fact still remains he is too young to have children by two different women. What will he do when he is much older? A man who has vision doesn’t begin the journey of his life with this kind of lifestyle. He will never fully recover from it no matter how hard he tries because these women will eventually pull him down with their different demands and charms. The woman at home will never have the peace of mind to enjoy her marriage as a result of the presence of his other children as well as their mothers. Imagine having to deal with all his women throughout your lifetime? Are you prepared to share your man with different kinds of women? There is more to marriage than you think. Besides, this man has through his choice demonstrated your place in his life. Not picking your calls himself, the boldness at which the other girl in his life talks to you on the phone, his refusal to see you all point to one thing, he isn’t as interested in you as he did once. By letting him go, you show yourself that you have what it takes to stand again. Doubtless, it hurts when one’s love isn’t reciprocated but it is better to hurt for a while than to force yourself into a situation where you will never be happy. Perhaps if he is older and wiser, there could be a future for both of you but from my experience, a man who begins his life dancing around every available woman, not minding if she is younger or older than he is, ends up hurting every woman that comes his way. Even the one he loves, he destroys because it has become a way of life for him. There is no way you can know what life has in offer for you until you let go of this man. At 22, you are still young and very capable of attracting the right kind of man provided you have learnt from all these experiences. For now, don’t rush into any new relationship. You need to detoxify yourself emotionally. Right from the age of 13, you have gone into all the different kinds of wrong relationships. Your limited views of life as well as the wrong values you are placing on the front burner are the reasons you are making the choice of all the wrong men in town. First you need to find yourself again from the maze of confusion that is starring at you. Look into the mirror; can you recognize the lady standing before you? Is she all you hoped you will be in life? There is the need for you to go back to that little girl of 13 to find your dreams in her. Once the connection is made, it will be easier for you to focus more on your self development than having meaningless relationships. By the time you are ready to start dating again, it will be easier for you to avoid the wrong kind of men. For once, take charge of your life. Good luck.

He has two sons outside our marriage

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Seventeen years ago, when I met my husband, he had nothing whereas as a banker I was well established. Age wasn’t on my side anymore so I didn’t give a thought to his financial position. I was happy despite the misgivings of my friends to establish him. Through my connections, I got him very lucrative contracts. I also helped him with soft loans in the bank to execute the contracts; this way, he didn’t have to worry about huge bank interests. Within two years of our marriage he was well established and could stand on his own. Together, we invested in property business. I knew I wouldn’t be able to continue with the bank job once the children started coming so was determined to have something on the side. Things were working very well for us and I couldn’t have hoped for a better husband. However, after the birth of our first child, a girl, I couldn’t conceive, no matter how hard we tried. After a while, I gave up every attempt at searching for cure when the spiritualist my friend took me, tried to rape me during a purported cleansing prayer session he invited me for. Although there has never been any love lost between my mother-in-law and I; but, the fact that she knew how much I contributed to the success story of her son made her to keep quiet about me. Severally when alone with me, she would make nasty remarks about female bankers not being better than cheap prostitutes. So I haven’t been under any illusion about my place in her heart but even at that, I didn’t know she could go as far as she went. Late last year, she came home with a woman and two young sons. She didn’t tell me anything and I didn’t bother to investigate or ask questions but I noticed that when my husband came back from work, he hurried his mother and the woman out of the house. When I asked him about the woman’s identity he mumbled things that were not audible. I still didn’t suspect anything until last week when the mother and woman came to confront me in my shop. There was no name the mother didn’t call me including using charms on her son to get him to marry me. She even called my daughter a bastard I got while prostituting as a bank worker. Although my husband and his siblings, especially his elder brother are totally against what their mother did but the truth is that my husband has children outside our home. That is one fact that cannot be denied. Foolishly, everything we have is in our joint names. If I am thrown out today, how will I survive with my child? What do I do about the other woman? Do I accept her or what? I am very confused about all these. I lack the stamina to fight another woman whereas the other woman is determined to fight me going by her attitude. Confused Wife Dear Confused Wife, The best approach is not to mind what your mother-in-law is saying about you, her attitude towards you as well as the other woman’s mind-set. The harm has been done; she already has children for your husband so it is pointless fighting her. no matter how unpalatable the truth may sound to you, there is no way your husband will let go of his children even if he wants to let go of their mother. This is why you should be very reasonable in this matter. Granted he loves you, and appreciative of your contribution to his life but, when it comes to the issue of sons, the average man would stand by his sons any day and time especially as he doesn’t have a male child by you. This may sound bitter and un-agreeable with you but this is reality junction; a very slippery one which requires absolute wisdom and caution to pass through. There is nothing you can do here but accept the undisputable fact of the presence of those children in your marriage. Learn to put their interest first because they have become an inevitable part of your life and marriage. These boys belong to your husband and are also related to your daughter. To fight their mother is to create unnecessary bad blood in your home. Besides, since your husband mustered the courage to sleep and have children with her without telling you, his mind is made up about her; making whatever struggle you put up a nullity. At this point there is no going back. Even though he may not like the way and manner his mother went about it, there must have been an agreement between the two of them to inform you of the existence of this woman and her children. Painful as his betrayal is, only an unwise woman gives another woman her well cultivated farmland. Without your help, this man may not be the success story he is today therefore, perish your pains, anger and instead be calm. His mother and the other woman acted the way they did to provoke you into a reaction; the kind that will give the other woman the excuse to forcefully take over your home and his mother, a reason to throw you out. Be wise as a serpent. This is when you need to be extra cautious, patient and thoughtful. Apart from the issue of your inability to conceive again, would you score yourself as being a perfect wife? Given the kind of assistance you have offered your man, you may unconsciously have been acting in a way to suggest that without your connection he would have remained a nobody. It takes the grace of God for a woman who has rendered the kind of assistance you rendered your husband not to be haughty to the man. This is the intersection you examine yourself and ask deep questions concerning your masked contribution to this emotional mesh in your marriage. What were your subtle contributions to this mess? Be very honest with yourself since it is the only viable way to find lasting solutions to this issue. If you had in anyway behaved in such a manner that kept reminding your husband of the role you played in his success story, go and ask him for forgiveness. Plenty of time to make him apologise for betraying your love and trust but trust me, this isn’t the right time. Rather, this is the time for total consolidation of your hold over him as well as your home. You cannot undo what has been done but you can influence the choices he makes concerning where the woman and her children would stay. Under no circumstances must you allow pride or what your friends say make you lose your home to another woman. As long as you still love him and willing to accept the situation, romance your way back into his heart with respect and wisdom. Don’t forget he now has an alternative to you and would after a while call your bluff if you push too hard. Go and plead with him to forgive anything you may have unwittingly done to make him take on another wife. Ignore his excuse that his quest to have a male child pushed him into it. Insist if he were really happy with you, trust in your relationship as well as the presence of God in your lives, he wouldn’t have done it. Ensure you really beg him if for nothing else, to erase the impression that he owes you for the role you played in his success story. Follow that by asking how he intends to solve the problem of his sons and mother. First listen to his plans before offering him your suggestion. Let him know you are willingly to support his plans as long as it doesn’t involve you and the other woman staying under the same roof. Suggest he gets a place for them. If he is in a position to buy a property for the woman, no matter how modest, encourage him to. This way, it will keep her restlessness in check and give you the peace of mind to concentrate on seeking the face of God. For such a woman, her motive is to have a share in his wealth. Once she has a house, car and regular upkeep allowances, she will not be so vicious and determined to force her way into your home. Consider it a little price to pay for the peace of your daughter and you. As for your mother-in-law continue to be nice to her because her children that are on your side. It is only when all these are over that you can confront your husband with your pains and sense of betrayal at his conduct but for now, keep your cool while praying that God shows mercy for you to have more worthy children. If God blesses your womb with worthy children, it won’t matter in the long run if they are boys or girls. This should be your prayer point before the Throne of Mercy. Good luck.

My children are irresponsible

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, My problem is not your usual kind but I would be highly honoured if you help me to resolve this issue while I’m still alive. I am almost 70 years of age and married three wives but have three children from three other women outside my wives . The first one is dead leaving me with the two others. Between them, I have 18 children who are all grown up and ought to be managing their own businesses or affairs but I discovered all of them are waiting for me to die so that they can inherit my numerous businesses. This itself isn’t a bad thing because the prayer of every parent is to be succeeded by the child but a situation where they still come home to ask for money to fend for their wives or husbands and children leaves me wondering what will become of them all after I die. The sad thing about all these is the absence of love between all of them; even among children of the same mother. They are always looking for ways to implicate each other. but the recent one got me thinking. The first son of my second wife reported the first son of my late wife to the Police as being an armed robber simply because he desired to be the eldest son of the family. For almost eight weeks we didn’t know the whereabouts of my first son until a kind Police officer in charge of the investigation came home to question me and his neighbours about his character. It was from him we got to know he was being held at the special anti-robbery unit for armed robbery. Through this kind officer, we got a copy of the petition and found out it was his brother that wrote the petition. He later confessed that he wanted him out of the way to pave way for his headship of the family. We were able to withdraw the matter from the Police as well as keep it out of courts. This is why I have come to you. If I am alive and they are already scheming to eliminate each other, what will become of my family when I am no more? What do I do? I know I have made some costly mistakes as a young man with all the women and children I have but is there a way I can stop them killing each other when I die? Besides, how do I make them responsible? Even the ones abroad aren’t serious about their lives. The only one who is serious is the one daughter I initially rejected when her mother took in. I only accepted her after she was born and tests confirmed I am her father. Of all my children she is the only one I didn’t have anything to do with her education not because I didn’t want to but because her mother stopped me from paying her fees. She told me in implicit terms that given the disgrace I put her through, she will never allow me contribute to the upkeep of her child and must have communicated the same sentiment to our daughter. No matter how much I try to give her money, she will always politely turn me down despite coming to the house to visit and spend some few days. She works with a multinational company, holds a very good position and has a husband who is also very successful. She is the only one giving me joy as she sends money to me at the end of the month and takes care of my medical bills despite having the resources of my own to take care of all my needs. I am seriously considering bequeathing all my wealth to her. I am most safe with her. What do you advice? Concerned Father. Dear Concerned Father, Search deep into your cupboard of your heart for clues. The latter part of your mail is pregnant with meaning and, in its way, point to the possible cause of your headaches and disappointments with your children. Without meaning to sound rude, what kinds of things did you do to acquire your wealth? How did you treat people you worked with? Did you at anytime hurt anyone unjustly, sufficiently to provoke God to fight for that person? Did you at any time cheat someone or a group of people out of their right and sweat? Is there a blood contamination somewhere in your castle of wealth? If the only child you didn’t spend your money on; is the only one making it among the 18 children you have, it then follows that money, used in training the children is carrying a heavy curse that forbids you to enjoy the labours of your hands. This money has contaminated the destiny of these children. Nothing you do or say will ever make meaning to them unless you do something to clean up that which you did in the hidden. This is why you must go back to the beginning; the origin of your wealth. That is where the problems you are having with your children started from. If you don’t want to die a very sad and unfulfilled man, think deep. There is no way you would reap goodness in a garden you planted sorrow. Nothing we do go unrewarded. If you have caused someone to weep over his or her children, there is no way you would go to the grave without suffering terribly from that cup of bitterness. That is why one child would go and report the sibling of being an armed robber. That act alone is a preview of what would happen among your children when you die. Even if you fast from today till tomorrow, without you confessing your hidden secret, your children will only get worse in their attitude towards you. Battles like this don’t happen without a reason; undoubtedly, you opened an ancient evil secret door for this problem to invade your life. If you don’t act now to remedy the situation, even in the grave you will never find peace; your children will guarantee that. The only way is to admit the source of your wealth with a view of making amends so that you can find forgiveness in the sight of God. The spell has to be broken for you to enjoy what fatherhood is all about. That one of them is taking care of you is a line of mercy God opened for you; perhaps following the good you also did somewhere. Align yourself with that for complete solution. If you cannot remember what you did wrong or who you offended, go back to the mother of this daughter of yours. For the mother to have refused all your offers to train her child or give her money, she must have been told somewhere of the grave danger of you using your money to train any child. There is no way she would have refused you train your daughter if she wasn’t warned. The excuse she gave you for refusing help is to mask her real reason. No woman ever refuses the help of the father of her child to carry the burden of caring for the child especially if not married to the man. Seek her help. If she refuses to listen to you, get your daughter to speak on your behalf to her mother. The essence is to make your search for solution less tedious. Plead with her to tell you what she was told if you are sure you don’t know what you did or where all these is coming from. On your own seek the face of God. No matter how scarlet our sins are, He promised to make them clean. By submitting yourself to God, you open your life as well as those of children up for mercy. In addition, consider reading your will before you die; give every child his or her entitlement. It may sound morbid but it will stop them killing each other in the long run and help preserve your life longer. By the time you do this, you will have the presence of mind to live your life the way you want to without worrying about them. If they are unable to properly manage their inheritance, it won’t be your fault or anyone’s fault. Above all, go to God in prayers and total submission to His will. It is the only way out for you if you desire pure happiness in the end. Good luck.

How do I please a girl?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Please, I want you to help me with this problem that has being bothering me. I am a boy of 17 years of age. The problem is, I don’t know what love is or how to love a girl; what to do to please her or know when a woman is in love with me. I had this girl who is my friend, I am always with and willing to do anything for. When I made my intentions known to her, she became aggressive. I truly love and I want her. Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, At 17, you still have a long way to go. It is the way of women to be difficult at this stage and the way of men to be patient. Love isnt something we plan for, but something that happens out of the blues. When it happens, you don’t need anybody tell you what you are feeling. Love is special and doesn’t give peace to the one who feels until it expresses itself to the one it feels for. Between the time you begin to have emotions for women and the time you really find true love, you will experience all kinds of feelings. Some are deep, almost akin to what true love is, but the real thing is laced with compassion, friendship, support, understanding and loyalty. Unlike the lust and sexual passions inherent in other kinds of romantic feelings, true love has the strenght of being patient. A man in love with a woman would never pressure her into doing what she doesn’t want to do just as a woman in love with a man would be willing to do anything to make him happy. If you are willing to be patient with a woman you have feelings for, it means you are in love with her. The question is, are you willing to allow this girl be until she is ready for you? Are you interested in her because you want her body or that you are interested in her person? You show love to a woman by giving her respect and the right of choice over her body. For now, be the friend she needs. If you are 17, it means she is younger than you. Both of you are still too young to bother yourselves with the challenge of falling in and managing love. For now, build friendship and nothing more. Enough time for you to learn about the dynamism that is a woman. Good luck.

I need someone in my life

Dear Agatha, You are a great councilor, keep it up dear. I need your help. I will be turning 27 years of age soon and presently not in any relationship. I have been out of relationship for almost a year and half. It has been a wonderful period for me since it has afforded me the opportunity of focusing on my career without any distraction. Irrespective of the relative peace I have enjoyed these past years, I have come to realize the need to be in a relationship that will lead to settling down. My family and colleagues have been putting pressure on me, demanding to know when I would be bringing home a woman. A lot of people assume I am married because of my nature. I trust God so much that He has always been there for me in times of difficulties he always come to my aid. However there is this guy I met who thinks I am too difficult and stubborn because I don’t accept the kind of relationship they think I want. Unlike most of them, I belief in marriage and think both parties should respect and value each other. Unlike so many guys my age, my experience with women is limited. I started my first relationship in my final year and when I discovered it wasn’t working between the lady and I; I opted out. I need to be in a relationship but don’t know how to go about it. Please help me. Confused Boy. Dear Confused Boy, The best place to begin is by having a clear vision of what you want in life. It must be crystal clear to make it possible for you to know the kind of woman you need to help you carry on the dream. To achieve this, you must learn to look beyond the physical appearance of the woman you want for a wife. A lot of times, appearances can be very deceptive and frankly, it takes more than a pretty face to make a marriage work. It takes love, care, tolerance, attention, respect, understanding, patience and responsibility to make a marriage work. For your marriage to work, the desire has to come from deep within you. it has to be something you want because it is the only way to acquire the kind of determination every marriage needs to scale through the difficult times. You also have to accept one basic truth about life; the imperfection of us all. This is where the sacrifices in marriages grow from. You must at all times be ready to make the sacrifice marriage requires to be stable and you can only do this for a friend. Therefore ensure the woman you plan to share your life with is a friend, one who will always have the understanding you need to make your home a happy one. To get that kind of woman, resist the urge of placing sex on the front burner. Begin by offering her friendship before anything else. This way, you get to know her without the encumbrance of sexual emotions which often than not stifles a relationship even before it takes off. Above all learn to be very honest with yourself at all times. What you cannot accept in the long run, don’t out of fear of losing the affection of a woman pretend you can because over time, the issue would eventually make the relationship very difficult to conduct. Just be practical in your search and above all entrust God with your dreams. Good luck.

Passion for marriage is threatening our relationship

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I’m an ardent reader of your column and I must say you have touched and saved lots of relationships through your work. May God bless you. I have a girl I have been dating since high school. I’m 25 years of age while she is 22. Right from the beginning she has always nurtured this passion for wedding ceremonies. She practically attends all wedding ceremonies in her church because it makes her happy. After high school, I left the country to study abroad. In fairness to her, she remained a good lady and was always there for me. Our communication remained efficient. December 2009 was the first time of coming back to Nigeria since l left. Back in school she told me she was a virgin. Deep in me, I didn’t believe and anytime I tried making love to her, she would allow me touch her but she won’t allow sex. I couldn’t force her but when I returned to the country after two years of being away, she allowed me. I was shocked to discover she was still a virgin. I’m in my final year now and hoping to further my studies. I know she misses me so much and I do too. I miss my family so much too. By God’s grace, I should be through by next year and return home. The problem now is whenever we talk on the phone, she would bring up the issue of marriage. At first, I told her I wish to have her as my wife but right now, there are things I need to achieve before settling down. I told her everything without holding back anything. I won’t be ready until about four or five years from now. She told me she wants to get married before she turns 25. I know it’s the dream of every woman to get married and start her own family but she is making it appear as if husbands are on sale in the shop and that a woman simply walks in there to buy one when she desires to marry. She doesn’t seem to appreciate that people need to date and plan for marriage and the days after. There was a certain time she got upset over something I knew nothing about. I tried but she wouldn’t tell me the cause of her anger. I thought she was fed up with elling her that since she won’t tell me what her problems were and has decided to keep to herself, I was freeing her of all obligations to the relationship so that I can try someone else. I told her it would give her the opportunity of understanding herself better. She called immediately she got the message to declare her acceptance of my proposal. After a month without calling each other, she called and we continued from where we stopped. After sometime, she told me her friend informed her, that I have a girlfriend I intend to marry. To be honest, I never discussed such a thing with any friend of mine. I immediately knew she believed the story because the friend mentioned is more like a brother to me who knows so much about me. Agatha, she has started again with her marriage talk. Recently she told me she would accept another man into her life if he is right for her. I was hurt by this statement and asked her how she would feel if I said such a thing to her. She didn’t answer but apologised. In my opinion, it seems she is just keeping the relationship until she finds her so-called ‘right person’. We have been talking, but I don’t want to be an obstacle to her since she sounds very desperate and I don’t want any pressure from her about getting married when I’m not ready for it. I have been thinking and have decided to tell her to move on. I thought I could make up for her patience and support for the five years I was away but she is bent on me getting married at all costs. Her deadline isn’t just right for me. I have talked to her and I do honestly love her very much just as I know she loves me. But her passion for marriage is threatening to tear the wonderful relationship we built for the past seven years. I really do need your help on how to handle this situation because it is tearing me apart. Concerned Friend. Dear Concerned Friend, There is no knot true love cannot untangle in a relationship. As long as both of you are ready to shift grounds and arrive at a workable compromise, there will always be a way out for both of you. You are having all this tension because none of you is willing to move an inch. Both of you are rigid in ensuring only your way is the right one. Relationship doesn’t work out like that. If you are fair to her, she has been the one making all the sacrifices for the survival of this relationship. You must also make the effort to see things from her angle. She has never hidden her passion for weddings from you. If you knew you weren’t ready for immediate marriage, you should not have bothered sleeping with her. Doing so meant you were ready to marry as soon as possible. For her kind of person, it meant you were ready for the final step, which was why she held back when she felt you were not in a position to marry her at the time you first demanded for it. From your own account, she waited for you while you were out of the country. Not many women would keep their virginity for a man they are not sure would come back to marry them. That she kept herself for you, even when you doubted her claim shows a properly brought up woman who has very deep feelings and respect for you. That you met her intact underscores her value as a woman. I am sure, while abroad, you had one or two flings. A lot must have gone into keeping her promises to you. Granted, her current attitude can be very frustrating and annoying, both of you need to go beyond telling each other what you want to what would work. She needs marriage urgently while you want it in five years time. Your challenge is simple as long as you both have the maturity to overcome the stalemate you have both imported into your lives. And the earlier you face this personality defects in your natures the better for the relationship. From what is happening, you both have the same attitude to life – having things done your way. Despite being together for seven years, your relationship is still wrapped in egoism. No relationship survives if a couple is unable to make the essential sacrifice for the sake of the other person. If there is a will, there is nothing stopping you from changing your plans a little to accommodate her plans. Both of you can marry but not have children immediately to enable the other plans have proper roots. No plan is unalterable. Frankly, this is a true test of your compatibility as a couple; your individual ability to go the extra mile for the other person to be happy. One thing is to be in love, another challenge is to have the maturity and right attitude to make it work. Situations like this will always come up from time to time in your relationship even after you get married. Unless you find the right key to unlock gridlocks like this, early in the life of a relationship, it often gets to a point when it becomes almost impossible for this kind of differences to be resolved. This is because selfish tendencies not addressed early in the life of a relationship soon become like a dreadful cancer eating at the life giving values of the union. Even if both of you part, if you don’t individually work on this aspect of your natures, finding a person to live or accommodate either of you may not be easy. Relationship is about living your life in the body of another person. Until both of you make the other person’s passion yours, nothing would work. Try putting yourself in her shoes; in five years time how old would she be? What if you decide not to marry her or suddenly realise that you still have certain things to accomplish before marriage and want more time, what would have been her gains? Like women before her, she is scared of the unknown. If she is anxious, she needs your assurances and one of the ways is to shift grounds a little bit for her. Another mistake you are making is refusing to hear what her real fears are. Yes, you have been honest enough to tell her about your plans but what about encouraging her to share her real fears with you? The missing link is trust. Insisting you have things done your way cannot earn her trust. Once you are able to earn her trust, a lot of the tension you feel now from her pressures will disappear. Good luck.

She wants me to stay on

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 23 years of age and there is this lady I love so much. She is 22 years old. It all started in 2009 when we became good friends. She does not hide anything from me. Over the years we have remained good friends and able to resolve our differences amicably. While with her one day she announced that she needed a friend who would understand and be very close to her. I told her she would find that kind of person soon. Following my response, she asked me who I am to her to which I replied a friend. She followed by response with a very bold question, why can’t I be that friend? I replied her immediately that I would gladly be that friend if she would have me. She then demanded I sent a text outlining how I feel about her. I later did and added questions I have always wanted to ask. I wanted to know if she has a boyfriend, still a virgin, how many intimate lovers she has had as well as my place in her life? She told me she has a boyfriend who stays abroad as well as the fact that she is no longer a virgin. She also told me that she has more male friends than females. She told me I am a special friend. She also told me that whenever her boyfriend comes to town, she would resume intimacy with him but said he last called her three months ago. When I asked if she plans to have someone else in her life, she answered in the negative. She said she is only interested in friendship. She went on to say she doesn’t like deceiving people and that is why she is telling me everything I need to know about her. My question is this: can I continue with this girl? What am I really to her? We have gone so far and I thought I was the love of her life. Now I know I am not. What do you advise me to do? Chydolski Dear Chydolski, What else do you want me to tell you when the girl in question has explained everything to you? She has been very honest with you. It is a rare quality. Most girls would rather lie about such things, giving you the impression that you are the only man in their lives. But she has decided to lay all her cards face up on the table. If you decide to stay, what would you be staying for? She has told you she isn’t interested in replacing the man in her life with anyone despite not hearing from the man for three months. She is confident that he would come back to her hence her disinterest in starting something with you or any other man. She hasn’t hidden anything from you at all. You are a dear friend and nothing more. If you have read too much into the relationship before now, it is time for you to have a rethink based on what she has told you. The fact that you asked if she is a virgin means you haven’t been intimate with her or tilted your discussions to anything personal since 2009 that you met her. The fact that you didn’t know about her life until she initiated this discussion is an indication that you are also ignorant of what constitutes the foundation of a relationship. There is no way you can be in a relationship with someone without knowing some basic facts about that person’s past life. So your perception was all wrong in the first place. Such relationship could only have existed in your imagination. Now that she has told you all you need to know, the choice is yours to stay on with her as a friend while you begin the search for a girlfriend or to end your liaison with her if you find it unbearable to be close to her. She has given you the full options, including your place in her life. The final decision is yours to make and stop making yourself confused by your own refusal to accept the truth. Good luck.

I masturbate because she denies me sex…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I thank you for the incisive way you treat problems. Hope mine will not be an exception. I am a 26-year-old undergraduate in my final year. My problem has to do with the attitude of my girlfriend who is of the same age with me. I love and cherish this girl so much but she hardly gives me attention. I am the one always calling and sending her text messages, and she hardly replies these messages. As a matter of fact she only beeps me once in two months. It isn’t a matter of her not having money to buy credit, because she at least works. Besides we don’t reside in the same location. I have made enough sacrifices in terms of showing her true love since we started two years ago. Once I tried having sex with her but when she declined, I haven’t bothered her since. All we do is to kiss. To satisfy my sexual desires, I masturbate. My intention is to get married to this girl as soon as I finish schooling. But since she isn’t giving me the attentions I desire, should I part ways with her and continue with my masturbation habit until I find someone who cares for me? Confused EJ. Dear Confused EJ, Being age mates with you, so many things combine to make her appears cold towards you. These are fundamental issues, but which she obviously doesn’t want to discuss with you. At 26, she is itching towards that important age most women begin to take serious the issue of their life partners, when they begin to sieve the wheat from the chaff. Being of the same age with her, you may not have much to offer her now especially as you are still in school while she is already working. You still have one year of service as well as one or two years to be psychologically ready that is if you already have a promised job. If you are going to join the thousands who have already graduated for years still looking for the few jobs around, then it may take longer than that for you to be ready. Add all these years to her current age and you will discover that by that time you would be in her 30s. This is obviously a risk she doesn’t want to take with you. She may find you very amicable and loving, but all these don’t count as important to a woman desperate to marry. It isn’t you she is rejecting, but the circumstances surrounding your person. Don’t get me wrong; this has nothing to do with money but with the reality on the ground. If you were through with education and only contending with the difficulties of looking for a job, it would be more appealing to her. She may also be worried about your eventual reaction to the issue of her age. Should she brave the odds to stick it out with you, what guarantees does she have that you would not find her too old for you when you are settled and have the opportunity of attracting the interest of a younger female? It could also be a case of your maturity or attitude. Both of you may be age mates, but being a woman her thinking and attitude would definitely be more matured than yours. It is a natural thing; women mature in their thinking and attitude faster than a man of their age. As the man, you should make out time to talk to her. Pre-empt her questions and worries because like I said these are worries she may not want to share with you. By initiating the discussions and addressing issues she didn’t want to discuss with you, you give her the chance to really open up on those things bothering her about a full-scale relationship with you. It would also give you a clear clue on how to tackle some things you have been worrying yourself over. It would also give you two the chance to talk about your future, plan and concretise certain things. For instance, both of you may decide that it is best for you to go into business once you graduate rather than waste precious time on searching for a job. You may have been together for two years, but you both haven’t gotten past the kindergarten stage in this relationship. It is time you discussed as two matured people dating and not like secondary school students who are scared of advertising their relationships. At 26, both of you are matured enough to know what you are into. By taking time out to talk about it, you throw open all the options available to you. As for the issue of masturbation, it isn’t an alternative to you having intimacy with a woman. It is a habit you must strive to outgrow before you begin to think of marriage. Good luck.

Should I marry him or not?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Last year, I met this man who is 20 years older than I am. He is divorced. He didn’t hide the details of his life from me. He told me everything about his ex as well as the number of relationships he has been through as well as the reason he refused to marry all these years. From all that he said as well as what his friends and family members he introduced me to are saying, I know he is telling the truth. His two children are abroad so he is alone with his cook, driver and the house-boy. When he approached me for relationship, I dated him for the fun of it as well as the money, attention and care I was getting from it. I didn’t know he was serious about marrying me since I was already in a serious relationship with my boyfriend who was away in England in search of greener pasture. He was in England for three years but we were always in constant communication. At about the time the older man came into my life, things weren’t going on very well between us. His calls were becoming less. Besides, I was in need of some money to pay my rent as well as take care of other domestic things. This is why I initially agreed to date this older man. However, things became complicated as I got pregnant in the first month of our sleeping together. Without informing him, I aborted the pregnancy but he got to find out somehow. It became a big issue between us so much so, my mother got winds of it and without my permission went behind me to beg him. I later found out that he wasn’t angry with me but hurt that I could take such a decision without first asking him. We eventually made up. Unknown to me, my boyfriend was back in the country although he didn’t tell me that he was deported. So, we resumed our relationship while still dating the older man. Somehow he found out about the older man and I. Rather than get angry with me as I expected, he encouraged me to sustain the relationship. Unknown to me, it was because of the money he was getting from me. I later got to find out through a mutual friend that he was deported and that he never had a stable job while there. When I confronted him, he didn’t bother to deny it and threatened to expose my duplicity to my older boyfriend if I don’t continue to play ball with him; I had informed him three weeks before of my pregnancy which he suggested I pass off as my older lover’s because of what we would gain in terms of property from the older man. I had already done that before finding out about him as well as his threats. Along the line, the older man made a proposition to my family-he wanted to marry me for keeps. This is where I need your help. I don’t trust my younger boyfriend. He has changed into a monster. What if he goes to tell this man about us and the baby? He has also told me to perish any thoughts of aborting the child to avoid him going very public with our pact. I am so confused. I don’t know whether to go ahead and marry this man or call the bluff of my boyfriend and about the baby so as to be free of his blackmails. What do you suggest? I am beginning to fall in love with my older man hence don’t want any problem between us. Do help me resolve this issue. MOi Dear MOi, Until you resolve every outstanding issue you have wrapped into your relationship with this older man, don’t accept his proposal because you would be doing this man a great injustice. From your story, it can be safely deduced that this man must have suffered emotional problems in his life. Staying alone for 20 years after his marriage collapsed tells a story of a man who wanted to recover, take his time to avoid the pains of perhaps of a hasty decision he took when he was young and a man who wishes for some peace in his life. Even though you didn’t give his age, this man can’t be less than 60 hence lack the emotional health to contend with following the pains of another woman hurting him. Having stayed for 20 years before contemplating marriage again, he must have given the matter a lot of thoughts and consideration. He also must have thought you have something special to keep him happy in his old age. The fact that you went into the relationship because of his money is in itself bad enough; something that can cause this man to have a heart problem. Knowing that you and your boyfriend are also planning to pin on him a pregnancy that isn’t his for the sole aim of defrauding him after his death, of his hard earned money and resources would definitely destroy this man forever. I am sure you wouldn’t want any girl doing that to your father or son in later life. Also, something tells me you didn’t really give the matter a comprehensive thought before agreeing to what your younger lover asked you to do. There are many sides to what your younger boyfriend is asking you to do. At the end of the day, you will be left with nothing because as the biological father of the child, he will insist on being in control of whatever is the share of your child. If you refuse, this man is capable of killing you since greed and other assorted negative things have embraced and taken him over. This man isn’t the same boy you dated before he left for England. The experience there must have changed him into a different person and it is quite unfortunate you didn’t bother to rediscover him before throwing away the substance you have. The ideal thing you should have done at the point he came back and you wanted to reconnect with him was to have ended the relationship you went into his absence. The fact that he didn’t object to your relationship with this older man but insisted you continue in it for the sole aim of extracting money from the older man for him, should have also warned you that you were dealing with a totally different man. Your refusal to heed the warnings presented by his character is what is getting you further into an avoidable mess. The truth is, if you continue like this, you will never enjoy your marriage to this older man. As it is, your younger boyfriend sees you as his personal ATM machine; one he can withdraw from anytime he feels the need to spend money. It will only get worse as he gets older and more frustrated with the system. So it is in your best interest you think properly before taking the final decision. The most noble thing for you to do is to turn down the offer of this man to marry you. Besides it is too late in the day to throw up the love sentiment. This is what you should have considered first before engaging in all the atrocities you went into with your young lover. This older man may end up forgiving you if he hears the truth from you but you have to come clean with the truth. Let him know the pregnancy isn’t his and every other thing you have done with your young lover. Mature men have a way of looking at things differently. At his age, he definitely has seen life in all the shades it has, so might end up appreciating your guts at the end of the day as long as he hears it from you and not from some young man trying to blackmail him or make fun of his ego as a man and husband. Besides, it will end the rule of tyranny of your young lover over your life. you can bet your life that the moment he discovers that you have spilled the beans and that he has nothing to blackmail you with, he will stop bothering you. The truth is you will never be free of him until you take this bold step. So, it is better you deal with this man once and for all. If he doesn’t marry you, at least you will be leaving him with a clear conscience and peaceful mind. This is what is important at end of the day. As for the pregnancy; the choice is yours since you took the decision to get pregnant with your eyes opened. Even at the risk of both men leaving you dry in the middle of the ocean, tell your older man the truth. Good luck.

She doesn’t call except to say thank you

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I like my girlfriend a lot and she likes me too. She is in her 200 level at the university while I am still trying for admission into a university. I am always calling and sending her text messages. But she doesn’t call or send me text messages. The only time she does is when I send her credit and it is just to thank me. When I call to ask why she hasn’t gotten in touch with me, she tells me she stressed up from lectures and her phone has problem which I am aware of. My very good friend thinks I am giving her too much attention that I should give her a break for a while; to enable me observe how she would react. This I did. This is one month. She hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me. I really don’t know what is wrong because I love her so much. It was a tough struggle not to call her for that month. I also heard that her boyfriend broke up with her as a result of my many text messages to her. I just don’t want to lose her now. I really want to be with her for as long as our friendship would last because I really have deep and true feelings for her. I am not ready to deceive her in any way. I have never felt like this about any other girl. We started out as friend. When I noticed my very strong feelings for her, I told her about it. She is the only girl in my life. I feel so lonely when she is far away in school that at times, I wish I could go and visit her in school. I miss her so much. I believe in every friendship, there should be accurate communication between the partners involved before other things can follow. Agatha, do you think she still feels anything for me even as she hardly gets in touch? Do you think I should hope she would start calling me soon because it really disturbs me a lot. Please help me out. Sam. Dear Sam, Unless there is a corresponding interest on her part, there is little or nothing you can do. Feelings must be properly reciprocated to be worthwhile. Sincerely, the major disadvantage against your chances with her is the difference in your academic years. Already, she is midway in hers while you are still struggling to make it into the university. By the time she graduates and finishes her service year, you will only be in your mid year at school. And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to serve with no prospect of getting a good job. When the job eventually comes, you will need time to settle down, think out your priorities. Would she have the patience to wait for you to be ready? Even if she has, what guarantees does she have that you would still be passionate about her in view of her age at that time? These could be part of her cold shoulders to you. For the majority of women it gets to an age when love isn’t just enough, when idealism gives way to reality. Once a woman gets to the age of reality, when she realizes her time clock is ticking away and the chances of her ever becoming fulfilled as a woman is diminishing as each day goes by, availability and not love becomes the issue. Although, another time would come in later life when the passion of her time gives way to sound reason but, she has to go through this process of wanting to be a mother first. By the time she would wished she had waited or listened to you, the wrinkle days would have come. Although life goes in circles, its different seasons and their demands can never be altered hence must be respected to the fullest. Although you could be of the same age, her years in the university, her dreams and goals in life have all made her more matured and deep thinking than you. While you seem only focused on your current feelings for her, her attitude shows she has gone deeper and may have come to the conclusions that it is better not to get involved with you at all. This is why she doesn’t feel any need to call or send you text messages. She only responds to your calls out of politeness, not because she agrees with your feelings for her. The fact that she has a boyfriend, you are aware of is instructive. Give her space to be happy with her choice else she may never be able to forgive you for destroying her happiness with your obsessions with her. Sincerely, I think you should concentrate efforts on getting into the university. From experience, you will survive this feeling, no matter how intense. Hearts at your age are meant to be broken and mended. It is the way of life as well as gathering the required experiences in life. You will need experiences and stories like this to help a lot of young ones coming after you to heal from their emotional wounds. If it’s of any help, every adult person has had his or heart broken at one time or the other. The beauty of life is that time helps to make fun of moments like this later in life. A time would come in your life when you would look at this moment and laugh at your feelings and actions. However, what is critical in your life now is, what you need now is to prove to yourself especially that you have dreams beyond securing the heart of a woman. And until you gain admission into the university, this girl or any serious minded girl you may develop interest in later may not appreciate the uniqueness that is in you. Until you market, package yourself as a focused young man, nobody will ever take you serious. Given the mentality of some people, staying at home, though due to no fault of yours could make have made them come to wrong conclusions about your person. For those who worship paper qualifications, you will never be good enough to be associated with unless you join the league of people with higher qualifications. Therefore, gaining admission into the university would change a lot of things about you. The best way you can continue to be relevant in her life is to be the friend she desires whenever she appears in it need of a person to talk to. Don’t worry too much. God would compensate you with a girl who would love you as much as you love her. Good luck

I slept with my ex three months to my wedding

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, My wedding is slated for the first Saturday in March. The invitations are already out and everything has been booked. We have even paid for the venue. Until last month, everything was going well for me. I honestly thought I loved my husband-to-be with all my heart and no man could ever come between us. But how wrong the projection of my life is turning out to be. A chance meeting with my first love after about 16 years is what is threatening my well-planned life. I honestly didn’t plan for this to happen but every woman who has been in love before knows what it feels like to meet the first man in her life after a long time of separation. Though he left me for my best friend, at the time we met, all those details didn’t matter. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. It brought back all the wonderful memories of all those wonderful times we had before my friend came between us. I discovered that he is divorced after two children with my friend who according to him now lives in England. According to him, he decided to come home after being away for such a long time to attend to his father’s business. He wants us to begin again. He has apologised to me and I am tempted to take him back because I feel good being with him. I haven’t told anyone about him because I know nobody will ever support me. I am 38 and have been so lucky to find my current boyfriend who is 45 and widowed. He has been my pillar of support and truly shows extra-ordinary love and kindness towards me and my family. But this is about my love life; my happiness. I am so confused about what is happening to me. My current relationship is three years old while my first love and I go back a long way. Please help me because I don’t know how to tackle what I feel for my first love. Iyabo. Dear Iyabo, Being human and a woman, I understand the power of first love. I also understand the many sentiments we women sometimes put into play when serious matters spring up. However more than you, I recognise the danger such unreasonable and not well thought out emotions can cause in the life of a person. No doubt, you have the right to your life, to spend it with whosoever you want, but you are not an island, which means, your decisions would also affect others close to you. It is because of these other people who would be affected by your decision, and suffer your shame and pains that you should consider. It is called respect for the feelings of others since this matter has gone beyond what you want to what others also want. Sixteen years ago, when he walked out on you to marry your best friend with whom he has two kids, whatever you both felt for each other was limited to you two. Then, it wasn’t the business or pains of the collective. Those who knew then didn’t think anything of giving you their support and understanding to get back on your feet. If you think deeply, you wouldn’t have been able to cope without all those people who held your hands and wept with you during those emotionally painful days. For being there all those years supporting you, praying that you also find happiness makes you accountable to them. This is aside the many issues you are refusing to take into consideration. Beyond the good sex you claim to be having with him as well as the sentiments of being your first love, there is nothing to suggest that this man cares for you at all. Your meeting was not inspired by a need to see you or even apologise for running away with your best friend and marrying her. It was one of those accidental meetings that didn’t include you or any plan to get serious with you. You are making things too easy for him and in the process messing up your own life. Deep down, do you think he will marry you if your husband-to-be finds out you have been cheating on him? What if he is still married to your friend and lying about being separated from her? Any man who could run off with your best friend cannot be trusted. If your motive is to hurt your friend as much as she once hurt you, you are making a very big mistake. If this man walks away from you now, how much time do you have as a woman to meet another man, get married and have children? And how would you feel if your husband-to-be were the one cheating on you and thinking of walking away from your wedding plans? This is a temptation you must resist. From the tone of your letter, you are the one pursuing an agenda; not this man. If you hadn’t thrown yourself at him, he wouldn’t have insisted on anything. But being a man, he is definitely taking advantage of everything you are offering. And typically, he has to come up with stories you want to hear to make it easy on your conscience. If you care to probe deeper, you will find out that the flame is only on your side; not from him at all. Besides, he has tried to be truthful to you. He came back because of his father’s business not for you or expected to run into you for that matter. If he didn’t want you when you were younger and fresh for him, what makes you think he wants you now? The fact that he never cared about your person beyond your body is the reason he isn’t protesting the amount of time you are spending with him instead of the man you are getting married to in March. Deep down, he would be thanking his stars he didn’t end up with you because once you can be unfaithful with him, you can do it with another man. If he cared just a little bit about you, he would be discouraging you from what you are doing. Besides, if you must know, what you feel isn’t peculiar to you. Most women go through premarital blues. It is expected because one is leaving familiar things for uncertainty. No reasonable person goes for a journey without projection. And if you really care for your husband-to-be, stop what you are doing with your ex. Don’t forget his first wife died. You will be killing him completely if he finds out about your behaviour. He may not survive it because it would be just like losing another woman in his life. It is time to end the party before it is too late. This man may represent fun but you can teach your husband-to-be how to make you happy. There is no relationship without sacrifices. If you like making love in a particular way, direct him appropriately. It is what marriage is all about. You are not a butterfly anymore. There is a limit to the risks and foolishness of the heart at your age. Rest your first love finally. His time is past. You are now a real woman who should be able to think with her head and not her heart. Good luck.