Dear Agatha,
Please, I need your counsel on this problem. I am 47 and my wife is 40 and we have only one child. Since the birth of this child, nothing has happened till date.
Worried man.
Dear Worried Man,
Let me begin by assuring you that what you are going through is not unknown to God and that only He knows why He does certain things.
Again, give Him all the glory that He gave you a child. There are countless others who would love to have one of their own but are not so blessed as you are. These people, didn’t offend God to warrant what is happening to them but who are they to challenge or confront God?
Celebrate God who in His indefinite wisdom has given you this child to be guardian to. Invest all your love in this child, take care that you don’t over-indulge the child though. Show your child the ways of God and allow the will of God prevail at all times.
More often than not, the challenge in life is not the number of children a couple has but the attention that goes into bringing up a child. Rather than worry about your inability to have more children, why not begin to think and plan the life of this child?
Every child needs a solid foundation to get a good start in life. The issue here is about quality parenting not, quantity parenting. If a couple is rich in quantity parenting but lacks the grace or ability to give quality guidance to the children, chances of those children giving the parents the joy and rest that come with having children are very slim.
Many who are today criminals, ‘area boys’ and society rejects all have parents who celebrated their conception and ability to have a lot of children.
The end of a journey is what justifies the beginning. The happiness this child would give you in your later years depends on how much attention you invest in its life now.
Rather than worry about why God is not giving more children, don’t deny yourself the thrills of being a parent or appreciating this special gift God has given you. When we worry too much about those things we think we should have, we forget the important things of showing appreciation for that which we have and enjoying it.
Worrying about your desire to have more children; has the ability to deny you the chance of investing concentration on this child. Your worries would also rob you of the ability to relax and enjoy all the God-given beauty in this wonderful child.
It would also deny you the ability to laugh with and at your child as well as the relaxation needed to build memorable memories together.
Give yourself the chance to be wholeheartedly involved in the growth and development of this child. It is imperative you enjoy this child now to avoid regrets that you will get later for not investing all of yourself in the most important years of your life. This is the time the child needs you and the mother the most. Don’t for whatever reason make your child feel your worry over inability to have another child.
By enjoying the gift of this child, you perish any negative thoughts and worries of having only one.
It would also afford you the opportunity of appreciating the exceptional gift of God to you.
The beauty of having a small family is that one is able to plan properly for their future. Besides, it takes one person in a family to bring about a positive change. This may be an only child, but if you and your wife know how to pray, this child may bring the world more honour and you fame than hundreds of children.
And if you really want more children, adoption is an angle you could explore.
Not everybody is meant, for inexplicable reasons, to have plenty of children but, this natural impediment can be circumvented through the process of adoption. Adopted children if given the right love, support, care, patience and understanding end up just like one’s biological children.
If you and your wife treat an adopted child as your own, you will get the same joy as that of any other parent. Even with one’s own biological children, if the essential training and attention are lacking, chances of that child turning out successful are very slim.
This is an option you should consider if your thirst for more children is more than you can bear.
Opening your heart and home to the presence and gift of an adopted child might just be what God is waiting for to begin his massive miracle in your marriage. He may be waiting for you to invest your massive love for children in one of those children whose biological parents’ responsibility ended the day the father contributed his seed or the woman gave birth to them.
These children need a home, comfort of parents, love of the society and an identity to go through life with. Offering one of these children your love would not only give you answer to your problem but also give the child the love he or she needs to make it through life.
It is also important you don’t allow your wife be affected by your worries over another child. If she senses your anxiety, the fear of you being pressured into having another child outside your home may put her under severe stress, a condition that might make conception very difficult especially at her age.
All the indices have to be perfect for a woman to conceive with ease. If she has had a child, it means whatever the problem is, it means it is secondary infertility, a situation which in most cases are emotional than physical.
What has been your attitude towards the situation? Do you give her the impression that you hold her responsibility for not being able to have another baby? What is the attitude of your family to her? Do they also think she is to blame? Even though this is a case of secondary infertility, the fault could still come from you. So don’t assume too much.
Even though a woman is usually the prime suspect in infertility issues, science is showing an increasing male complicity in infertility cases among couples.
Support her in every way you can because marriage is about being able to withstand the difficult times. It gives courage and rest of mind to a woman to know that her husband is on her side.
Granted, your own pains are real, but in this situation, she needs all your support and encouragement to face her world, to outgrow her feelings of inadequacy and failure as a woman.
Giving her support would also make it possible for both of you to form a united front to be able to give your child all the security to be so happy.
This is because a woman is the one mostly affected when issues like this come up. You must do all within your power to allay her fears that her position in your home is intact irrespective of whether she is able to give you another child or not.
Remember, that marriage is like a wrapped gift pack. You only discover what is in it when you open it. None of you bargained for this problem so to blame each other for a situation you have no control over is only to compound the already tensed situation at home.
There is nothing love cannot do. Give the love that brought both of you together the chance to heal whatever wounds have been afflicted by this situation.
Asking God for help and direction is the only way you can overcome completely.
Good luck.
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