With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in need of your candid advice. Please help me.
I am a guy of 32 years in age and have lived and worked in Germany since January 2000.
In January 2010, I came to Nigeria to get married to a lady of 23 years of age who claims to be a virgin.
Before the marriage ceremony, I told my wife-to-be and all those who cared to listen that she won’t be coming to Germany immediately after our wedding. I gave them my reasons.
The lady I married is the younger sister to one of my childhood friends. I loved her dearly but my feelings were fuelled by the relationship that existed between our families. My mother whom I love and respect so much played a vital role in my coming to marry in Nigeria as she told me time and again to come and marry from home.
We did traditional and church aspects of wedding. I postponed the court wedding pending when I am ready to bring her over.
Even though we didn’t date or knew ourselves too well prior to the marriage, I still went ahead to marry her not knowing that she and her family members were hiding their true identities. I trained her in some professional courses and I feel I have been actively playing my role as a husband ever since we married.
But in spite of all these, my wife and her family members are never contented. We spend time talking about our relationship instead of having one. Quarrels and arguments are ever so often. She is stubborn, arrogant, and very difficult to deal with. Her family members are always involved in our case. And most often, they will call me to emphasise on how young, important and special their daughter is to them.
But the real problem began in August last year when my wife moved to Abuja, got a job with a telecommunication company and was living with her elder sister, a divorcee. She kept complaining of how uncomfortable she was in her sister’s home. Being reluctant to rent an apartment for only her in Abuja, I called and pleaded with my uncle who has been very useful to me since I was a kid, to accommodate my wife, he agreed. My wife moved to my uncle’s home and said she was comfortable. She leaves for work in the morning and gets back home in the evening and so on.
On her way to work on this sad morning, she entered a wrong taxi. The guys on board of the taxi confused her to the extend that she went home (my uncle’s home), collected her chequebook, went to the bank and withdrew over N150,000 and went back into the same taxi and was driven to unknown location. The bad guys collected the money, which I paid into her account and asked her to pull off her clothes, which she did including her underpants. But said she was neither raped nor touched, and that they later asked her to put on her clothes and was set free.
Knowing the spiritual implications regarding this incident, I had no option but to inform my relatives including my mother. My mother then called my wife to come home for inquiries, she insisted she was neither raped nor touched. She went back to Abuja and I asked her to resign her work.
A month after that incident, she became ill and was diagnosed of posttraumatic stress disorder. Her brothers called me same day only to accuse my family and I of being responsible for her health condition. I was disturbed and at the same time perplexed by their attitude.
I went ahead to pay her hospital bills, but deep inside me, I knew that my relationship with her siblings was over. After she was discharged from the hospital, she relocated from Abuja. She went to stay with another sister of hers who incidentally is also a divorcee.
Steadily, her character became worse so much so she has completely changed from the woman I married. She has so many family issues that make me feel that my marriage to her shall be characterised by quarrels, argument, anger and sadness. I have no more trust for her and no longer interested in going ahead with the court wedding. Our mothers are no more in good terms, just as I am no longer in good terms with her siblings.
All her four sisters are divorcees. She prefers her siblings’ advice to mine. She told me she wasn’t working in Lagos, I visited her in May this year only to discover she lied. Now it is hard to believe all she told me in the past. Was she raped and decided to hide it from me? Whenever our situation becomes very tense to the extent of falling apart, she goes on her knees crying and pleading for forgiveness.
I am tired.
I just got my German nationality that I have been waiting for. I am supposed to be thinking of coming to Nigeria to conclude the court wedding and bring her over, but that clearly isn’t the case as worries of the unknown are digging at my heart. I am very suspicious of her attitudes now, I feel she and her family got some ulterior motives, and knowing that the laws here favour women makes my worries grow bigger and stronger. I didn’t get her pregnant while in Nigeria because I want my child born in Europe.
I just called her and expressed my lack of interest in continuing the marriage. And as always, she is back on her knees again pleading for forgiveness. She and her family members claim to be good Christians but their attitudes have proved the contrary. I cannot tolerate her anymore.
I desperately need your advice.
Worried Husband.
Dear Worried Husband,
First, I like to say there is no marriage without challenges and that what you are going through is normal to most marriages. The strain in your marriage is more profound because you are both living apart. Had you been around her, your presence would have helped weaned her of her family’s influence. But as it is now, she cannot avoid listening to them, because at 23 she lacks the knowledge and wisdom to allocate her loyalty appropriately.
Be fair to her, at 23, she lacks your kind of experience, doesn’t know how to relate with a husband especially one who isn’t around her. Your absence is making her dependent on her family the more. Don’t also forget the possibility that she may not have planned to marry when she did. For most 23-year olds, exploring the world a little bit and building their careers are what they have in mind. For any person, especially a woman to make her marriage work, she must have prepared herself psychologically. From what you said, it is obvious that she wasn’t planning on getting married when she did.
Like you, her mother may also have put her into it. She needs help to understand that there is world of difference between being a single and married. Frankly, you should have allowed her to stay with your mother. Staying with your mother would have helped prepared her properly for marriage.
However, if there is anybody that should be blamed your mother is, not this girl or her family members, who are only acting out who they have always been. If as you say your mothers were good family friends, there is no way your mother can claim ignorance of the attitude and thinking of your wife’s family.
For whatever reasons, she deliberately ignored these flaws in your in-laws when she encouraged you to marry this girl.
Sit down and ask your mother some questions. Why did she mislead you into marrying this girl with all the issues you are now noticing about the family? She must have known that the family is overbearing and that her four elder sisters are all divorcees. From her relationship with this girl’s mother, she must have known what her attitude is towards money as well as all the other reasons that have been militating against successful marriages of her friend’s daughters.
Your mother and not your wife be blamed for the kind of marriage you are having.
In addition, you also share in the blame. At 32, you must have had a clear picture of the kind of marriage that would work for you. With this comes the knowledge of the kind of woman to support your dreams to come true. Your mother isn’t you, hence would never know, despite giving birth to you, the kind of woman that would fit into your plans for the future. Giving your mother the sole responsibility of choosing a wife for you was a mistake in the first place. Parents can only assist with the right kind of counsel but not to be given the entire job of looking for one’s future partner.
Ideally, if your mother weren’t too involved in the matter, she would have been able to arbitrate positively now that the union faces a hard time. Having compromised herself from the beginning, there is little she can do for you in this matter.
You must act as a man and face the burden of the decision your mother took on your behalf. There will always be issues in marriages. Determination to succeed is what makes the difference in life. You must have the concomitant strength of mind to make this marriage work.
The story she told you may not be a lie. Several ladies who have fallen victims of these kinds of dubious persons have similar stories to tell.
Learn to trust her, as it appears you don’t, from the tone of your mail. You said she claimed to be a virgin: wasn’t she one when you met her? If she was, it wasn’t a claim. For this marriage to work, endeavour to give her the benefit of doubt.
If you have the opportunity of taking her to Germany, do so, but not before discussing the attitude and several demands of her family members. Only a talk premised on a desire to make this marriage work and not to trade blames would work.
In addition, invite God into your marriage and hearts.
Good luck.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
He wants us to continue secretly
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend and I broke up after six years due to the pressures on him by his family that we can’t marry because I am an Esan woman.
I love him so much and can’t do without him.
He proposed that we continue to see each other secretly, I am so confused.
Please, tell me on what to do.
Omo.
Dear Omo,
If he is not man enough to insist it is you he wants and willing to give up a relationship of six years to please his family what other assurances do you have he would marry you at the end of the day?
Even if his family members are right in their misconception about your people, having known and dated you for six years or more, he should have been able to put up a stout defense of you so much so he would have won two or more sympathies for his love for you.
If at this early stage in your relationship, he is unable to defend what he feels for you, vouch for your character and insist on his opinion of you, this man may never be able to give you the happiness you deserve.
Love and relationship lacking in boldness and loyalty don’t last, no matter how much one desires it.
As a matter of fact, you should view his offer for a secret relationship as pathetic and insulting.
Why should you be locked in the cupboard, away from the public to satisfy him and protect his cowardice at being unable to define what he wants?
Deep down, do you think him capable of accepting responsibilities arising from this secret arrangement when he couldn’t accept responsibility for his love for you the first time?
Sincerely, this secret arrangement, if you allow it is a recipe for more pains and heartaches for you. Being kept in the cupboard means he has to date another lady who has the backing of his family. It also means the family has the franchise to source and kick-start his wedding plans when they like. It also means he is incapable of controlling the tyranny of his family members who at every turn can come and go as they like in his affairs.
Despite your currently inability to do without him, is this the type of like you really want? A man you don’t have a measure of control over, one who has little disregard for your feelings? One who once his family makes an appearance on his life consigns you to the second position in his life or jettisons any plan you both have for his families?
His lack of concern for all the plans you both made, your joint dreams and hopes for the future over his family’s position should be warning for you to count your loss and look else where for a man who values you.
Doubtless, this arrangement provides you with the short-term option of continuing in the security of an old love, but in the long term, it may not be so noble because the pains and loneliness you are running from would come if not from him but from his family members who would feel the need to tighten their hold over him more than ever before if you show up again in his life.
The family position wouldn’t have made any difference if the man you have business with is determined or have the guts to protect you, maintain a fair balance between you and his family. That he gave you up to please his family makes this proposition of his laden with apprehension and cautions for you to be careful.
Besides, what does this offer you in terms of future security and happiness? Are you simply going to remain a shadow in his life while he pursues his other interests? What plans has he for you?
What makes you so sure he would have the guts he lacks now to defend you later? Any relationship that is shrouded in trial or ethnic controversies is always difficult to execute because issues, both real and imagined would always be brought up by its opposition to defend their stance. It takes the grace of God to even smile in such situations.
To gauge the depth of his feelings for you, insist he either continues to date you as his sole girlfriend while he looks for people who would help him convince his family about you or he completely forgets you.
His first option would have been to do and use every opportunity to change his family opinion of you, not to second you to a secret arrangement.
If at the end of the day, he insists on his options being better than your suggestions, let go.
Don’t worry about the attendant pains of bereavement you will feel at losing the love and familiarity of the man you gave six years of your life. Life is always a gamble where we win some and lose some.
God isn’t without a reason for this development but you have to give time the chance to heal you for hidden truth and beauty of this moment to show in your life.
The confusion is in your pains, not the divine reason this is happening to you. This is not the time to depend on your wisdom and strength, Go to God in prayers for proper definition of why this is so.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend and I broke up after six years due to the pressures on him by his family that we can’t marry because I am an Esan woman.
I love him so much and can’t do without him.
He proposed that we continue to see each other secretly, I am so confused.
Please, tell me on what to do.
Omo.
Dear Omo,
If he is not man enough to insist it is you he wants and willing to give up a relationship of six years to please his family what other assurances do you have he would marry you at the end of the day?
Even if his family members are right in their misconception about your people, having known and dated you for six years or more, he should have been able to put up a stout defense of you so much so he would have won two or more sympathies for his love for you.
If at this early stage in your relationship, he is unable to defend what he feels for you, vouch for your character and insist on his opinion of you, this man may never be able to give you the happiness you deserve.
Love and relationship lacking in boldness and loyalty don’t last, no matter how much one desires it.
As a matter of fact, you should view his offer for a secret relationship as pathetic and insulting.
Why should you be locked in the cupboard, away from the public to satisfy him and protect his cowardice at being unable to define what he wants?
Deep down, do you think him capable of accepting responsibilities arising from this secret arrangement when he couldn’t accept responsibility for his love for you the first time?
Sincerely, this secret arrangement, if you allow it is a recipe for more pains and heartaches for you. Being kept in the cupboard means he has to date another lady who has the backing of his family. It also means the family has the franchise to source and kick-start his wedding plans when they like. It also means he is incapable of controlling the tyranny of his family members who at every turn can come and go as they like in his affairs.
Despite your currently inability to do without him, is this the type of like you really want? A man you don’t have a measure of control over, one who has little disregard for your feelings? One who once his family makes an appearance on his life consigns you to the second position in his life or jettisons any plan you both have for his families?
His lack of concern for all the plans you both made, your joint dreams and hopes for the future over his family’s position should be warning for you to count your loss and look else where for a man who values you.
Doubtless, this arrangement provides you with the short-term option of continuing in the security of an old love, but in the long term, it may not be so noble because the pains and loneliness you are running from would come if not from him but from his family members who would feel the need to tighten their hold over him more than ever before if you show up again in his life.
The family position wouldn’t have made any difference if the man you have business with is determined or have the guts to protect you, maintain a fair balance between you and his family. That he gave you up to please his family makes this proposition of his laden with apprehension and cautions for you to be careful.
Besides, what does this offer you in terms of future security and happiness? Are you simply going to remain a shadow in his life while he pursues his other interests? What plans has he for you?
What makes you so sure he would have the guts he lacks now to defend you later? Any relationship that is shrouded in trial or ethnic controversies is always difficult to execute because issues, both real and imagined would always be brought up by its opposition to defend their stance. It takes the grace of God to even smile in such situations.
To gauge the depth of his feelings for you, insist he either continues to date you as his sole girlfriend while he looks for people who would help him convince his family about you or he completely forgets you.
His first option would have been to do and use every opportunity to change his family opinion of you, not to second you to a secret arrangement.
If at the end of the day, he insists on his options being better than your suggestions, let go.
Don’t worry about the attendant pains of bereavement you will feel at losing the love and familiarity of the man you gave six years of your life. Life is always a gamble where we win some and lose some.
God isn’t without a reason for this development but you have to give time the chance to heal you for hidden truth and beauty of this moment to show in your life.
The confusion is in your pains, not the divine reason this is happening to you. This is not the time to depend on your wisdom and strength, Go to God in prayers for proper definition of why this is so.
Good luck.
His attitude towards me has changed
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 16 years of age, in love with a 22 year old boy whom I really care about. Our relationship is five months of age and he has indicated desire to marry me.
However, some weeks ago, I noticed a change in the love we have for each other. His calls as well as text messages have stopped. To cap it all he even instructs that I should stop not visit him for sometime because he is busy.
I however suspect another woman is the reason for his new attitude towards me. We have not had sex.
But I don’t know if I should wait for him with the hope that he would come back to me because I care so much about him. Please help me.
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
At 16, your world is just evolving. Men would come and go with many promises. Your feelings like you are changing every second. The secret of your age is not to take yourself or any man coming to you too serious because like a newly hatched butterfly, you are beautiful, attractive and exciting to look at.
Men, both young and old who want something fresh, untouched would naturally find you irresistible. Don’t be deceived many have only the motive to tamper with your innocence, suck your fresh juice, leave you after they finish for another attractive flower.
It is a pattern that is as old as time which many innocent girls of your age has fallen victims to.
Be grateful, this man has the conscience not to have slept with you before putting up this barrier.
Your age calls not only for caution but focus because what you do today will determine the hues tomorrow would take.
Love is beautiful only when it comes in its season and with the right person. This man hasn’t done anything but helped you in a way to appreciate the dynamism of life, the reality that entrenched in a man/woman relationship.
Unless you take the step to position your life along the line of success, this would become a pattern in your life,
The time now is for you to protect your future by focusing on your education. Love is a consuming emotion. Sincerely, at your age you lack the stamina to combine it with your compulsory season of acquiring sound education. There is simply no way you can combine these two time consuming facets of life.
Your education requires your full concentration to give you value and serve you properly in life. Without you concentrating on it fully now, a time would come when you would require it but would lack the courage and time to be its devotee.
Love and relationship never ceases to be out of fashion but education does. After a while, the shame of seeing your friends passing out of school while you lack behind would frustrate any resolve you may nurture to go on. The torture of sitting in class with younger ones; some, old enough to be one’s children makes reading when the right season has passed very unattractive as well as aching.
Believe me the aches you feel now at being left by this man would be nothing compared to the pains of unfulfilled dreams as well as the constant lonely tears of missed opportunities. These tears are like cancerous wounds that never heal of its freshness and intensity especially when you see your once classmates in very prominent positions in the world.
Being young once, I know the feelings of first disappointment. I know all about the dim in the stars but with experience has come a very profound understanding that those feelings, both the love and its attendant disappointments are nothing compared to the real thing.
In time, you would meet your real destiny, one that has the potency of changing your life completely.
When it comes, you won’t need anybody to tell you. But for it to make sense, you have to prepare the foundation now for it. Forget this man and everything he represents. Even if he comes back, insist you want time to devote to your education and that your life has no space for him until you have achieved your educational goals.
This is not saying you cannot be friends with men but the limits have to be well defined; no commitments until you are able to balance the scale without one suffering for the other.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 16 years of age, in love with a 22 year old boy whom I really care about. Our relationship is five months of age and he has indicated desire to marry me.
However, some weeks ago, I noticed a change in the love we have for each other. His calls as well as text messages have stopped. To cap it all he even instructs that I should stop not visit him for sometime because he is busy.
I however suspect another woman is the reason for his new attitude towards me. We have not had sex.
But I don’t know if I should wait for him with the hope that he would come back to me because I care so much about him. Please help me.
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
At 16, your world is just evolving. Men would come and go with many promises. Your feelings like you are changing every second. The secret of your age is not to take yourself or any man coming to you too serious because like a newly hatched butterfly, you are beautiful, attractive and exciting to look at.
Men, both young and old who want something fresh, untouched would naturally find you irresistible. Don’t be deceived many have only the motive to tamper with your innocence, suck your fresh juice, leave you after they finish for another attractive flower.
It is a pattern that is as old as time which many innocent girls of your age has fallen victims to.
Be grateful, this man has the conscience not to have slept with you before putting up this barrier.
Your age calls not only for caution but focus because what you do today will determine the hues tomorrow would take.
Love is beautiful only when it comes in its season and with the right person. This man hasn’t done anything but helped you in a way to appreciate the dynamism of life, the reality that entrenched in a man/woman relationship.
Unless you take the step to position your life along the line of success, this would become a pattern in your life,
The time now is for you to protect your future by focusing on your education. Love is a consuming emotion. Sincerely, at your age you lack the stamina to combine it with your compulsory season of acquiring sound education. There is simply no way you can combine these two time consuming facets of life.
Your education requires your full concentration to give you value and serve you properly in life. Without you concentrating on it fully now, a time would come when you would require it but would lack the courage and time to be its devotee.
Love and relationship never ceases to be out of fashion but education does. After a while, the shame of seeing your friends passing out of school while you lack behind would frustrate any resolve you may nurture to go on. The torture of sitting in class with younger ones; some, old enough to be one’s children makes reading when the right season has passed very unattractive as well as aching.
Believe me the aches you feel now at being left by this man would be nothing compared to the pains of unfulfilled dreams as well as the constant lonely tears of missed opportunities. These tears are like cancerous wounds that never heal of its freshness and intensity especially when you see your once classmates in very prominent positions in the world.
Being young once, I know the feelings of first disappointment. I know all about the dim in the stars but with experience has come a very profound understanding that those feelings, both the love and its attendant disappointments are nothing compared to the real thing.
In time, you would meet your real destiny, one that has the potency of changing your life completely.
When it comes, you won’t need anybody to tell you. But for it to make sense, you have to prepare the foundation now for it. Forget this man and everything he represents. Even if he comes back, insist you want time to devote to your education and that your life has no space for him until you have achieved your educational goals.
This is not saying you cannot be friends with men but the limits have to be well defined; no commitments until you are able to balance the scale without one suffering for the other.
Good luck.
My wife mustn’t hear another woman carries my baby
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am facing a problem over which I need your help. You are always doing a good job that you cannot be rewarded for by any man here on earth.
I got married to a lady who is very nice and decent. Out of impatience, she is currently nursing a baby girl.
There is this other lady I am very much in love with who claims she is pregnant for me. However, she insists on aborting the child and has gone further to say if I refuse to give her money to do it she would die.
I already have a child from my wife and she can’t come in as the second wife. I am now confused. Can I get any assistance from you?
Any contribution from you can assist me to handle this problem. I am 27 years of age. My wife is not aware of this.
Godwin.
Dear Godwin,
In the first instance what were you looking for outside your home? No matter the challenge you have in your marriage or issues with your wife, the solution have never been or will ever be infidelity.
Unfaithfulness is too high a price for couples to pay for wrong choices or problems within the marriage.
This is because it doesn’t just end with the unfaithful party looking for emergency happiness or satisfactions in the arms of an available person, it is an open invitation to many sundry problems some which if not properly managed could cause permanent pains to both the guilty and the innocent.
In retrospect, which would have been easier to manage, confronting and resolving the issues with your wife and marriage or going into this relationship? in going with this woman, you forget that marriage is never expected to be smooth sailing; that it comes with very wide and deep gullies which only patience and time can even out.
With the current development, you would have since realized that nobody is perfect and that no situation in life comes without prices to pay. When you decided to date this other lady, you probably thought you were being smart and wise in solving your matrimonial problem.
What is the confusion? When a man sleeps with a woman, the expected result is a baby. What did you expect when you went into a relationship and slept with her without protection? You knew you had a wife and child at home and that you weren’t ready to marry two wives, yet you didn’t see anything wrong in having an affair and unprotected sex with another woman?
You are matured enough to know that when a woman and man come together in intimacy a lot of things result from the union. For her, it is immaterial whether you have a baby and wife at home or not. What she concerns her is that pregnancy and what you must do to help her get out of the impending social doom that comes from such a situation.
It is obviously too late to have regrets. The deed has been done. You both need full-blown understanding to tackle this issue. First is to find ways of calming her down to prevent rash and life-threatening incidents. If she is already threatening suicide, don’t ignore or tempt her into doing it. No matter what it takes, be very patient and understanding of her situation until the disaster is averted.
If she is also insisting on abortion, hear her out for the reason she is nursing taking her own life. This is certainly not time for you to insist on doing anything your way. Demand to know why she wants the baby aborted. Pretend to go with her on it. This is to give you time to wear her stubbornness down, to come up with an alternative that would produce another result different from what she is intending.
From this beginning know that abortion is out of the picture since you both didn’t bother to prevent it. But wisely refrain from telling her this now since it would only aggravate the current situation.
However, you have to think up something to sway her from harming herself. What precisely do you intend to do with mother and child? If you cannot bring them to the house, how do you want to incorporate them into your life that would be fair to everyone concerned?
Whatever, conclusions you come up with this woman, put the issue of the child first especially if you told her from the beginning that you were married with a child. It means you don’t have many obligations to her since you gave her the option through your declaration of your marital status to opt out or not.
This means she cannot blackmail you into marrying her or providing fully for her. When an unmarried woman goes knowingly into a relationship with a married man and proceeds to having sex with him without insisting on protection, she cannot solely blame the man for not fully being responsible when pregnancy occurs because it is more of the responsibility of the woman to protect her body and life from situations that can harm her plans in life.
Even though you acted irresponsibly by going out of your matrimonial home, she is also not blameless hence must be ready to play her part in contributing to the welfare of the child having made the choice to selected a married man as its father.
But if you didn’t, you owe this woman more than that because it means you deceitfully lured her into a relationship you knew from the beginning lacked substance and future.
In this situation, you must not only make provisions for the baby but give her all the assurances she needs to continue with her life with limited consequences and liabilities.
This would involve you telling your wife irrespective of how unpalatable the situation it would generate. To shield your wife from this knowledge is to create a more complex situation in future and cause a permanent enmity and rivalry between the women and their children.
Naturally, your wife would not find the situation comfortable but she has to know to enable her adjust appropriately. This might require you introducing the two women to each other but make sure you don’t do this alone because it has the tendency of it boomeranging on you. There is no way your wife is going to be reasonable about sharing her man with another woman who has a child for him.
To achieve this, you would need the help of people very close to the two of you to gently break the news and talk her into meeting the other woman. But don’t expect instant solutions. It would take a long time to get there because the foundation is already defective.
It also means you have to bury whatever issues you have with her. Even if she through her own attitude drove you into the waiting arms of another woman, with what has happened, you have become the guilty one. A man has to be able at all times to manage his home and woman to have peace in his life.
At 27, you have to work extra hard not to be frustrated by the responsibilities involved in having two homes to prevent a situation where going from one woman to the other would become a pattern in your life. if you allow the seeming huge responsibilities to providing for these two women get at you, there is the tendency of you wanting to escape from it by going into the arms of another woman. It is a temptation, you must resist.
Furthermore, you have to make the effort to grow into the responsibilities your desires have brought you into by refusing to listen or capitulate to pressures of people who may want to divert you from doing what is right which is accepting your responsibilities for your actions.
Pray God gives you the wisdom and strength to overcome this challenge.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am facing a problem over which I need your help. You are always doing a good job that you cannot be rewarded for by any man here on earth.
I got married to a lady who is very nice and decent. Out of impatience, she is currently nursing a baby girl.
There is this other lady I am very much in love with who claims she is pregnant for me. However, she insists on aborting the child and has gone further to say if I refuse to give her money to do it she would die.
I already have a child from my wife and she can’t come in as the second wife. I am now confused. Can I get any assistance from you?
Any contribution from you can assist me to handle this problem. I am 27 years of age. My wife is not aware of this.
Godwin.
Dear Godwin,
In the first instance what were you looking for outside your home? No matter the challenge you have in your marriage or issues with your wife, the solution have never been or will ever be infidelity.
Unfaithfulness is too high a price for couples to pay for wrong choices or problems within the marriage.
This is because it doesn’t just end with the unfaithful party looking for emergency happiness or satisfactions in the arms of an available person, it is an open invitation to many sundry problems some which if not properly managed could cause permanent pains to both the guilty and the innocent.
In retrospect, which would have been easier to manage, confronting and resolving the issues with your wife and marriage or going into this relationship? in going with this woman, you forget that marriage is never expected to be smooth sailing; that it comes with very wide and deep gullies which only patience and time can even out.
With the current development, you would have since realized that nobody is perfect and that no situation in life comes without prices to pay. When you decided to date this other lady, you probably thought you were being smart and wise in solving your matrimonial problem.
What is the confusion? When a man sleeps with a woman, the expected result is a baby. What did you expect when you went into a relationship and slept with her without protection? You knew you had a wife and child at home and that you weren’t ready to marry two wives, yet you didn’t see anything wrong in having an affair and unprotected sex with another woman?
You are matured enough to know that when a woman and man come together in intimacy a lot of things result from the union. For her, it is immaterial whether you have a baby and wife at home or not. What she concerns her is that pregnancy and what you must do to help her get out of the impending social doom that comes from such a situation.
It is obviously too late to have regrets. The deed has been done. You both need full-blown understanding to tackle this issue. First is to find ways of calming her down to prevent rash and life-threatening incidents. If she is already threatening suicide, don’t ignore or tempt her into doing it. No matter what it takes, be very patient and understanding of her situation until the disaster is averted.
If she is also insisting on abortion, hear her out for the reason she is nursing taking her own life. This is certainly not time for you to insist on doing anything your way. Demand to know why she wants the baby aborted. Pretend to go with her on it. This is to give you time to wear her stubbornness down, to come up with an alternative that would produce another result different from what she is intending.
From this beginning know that abortion is out of the picture since you both didn’t bother to prevent it. But wisely refrain from telling her this now since it would only aggravate the current situation.
However, you have to think up something to sway her from harming herself. What precisely do you intend to do with mother and child? If you cannot bring them to the house, how do you want to incorporate them into your life that would be fair to everyone concerned?
Whatever, conclusions you come up with this woman, put the issue of the child first especially if you told her from the beginning that you were married with a child. It means you don’t have many obligations to her since you gave her the option through your declaration of your marital status to opt out or not.
This means she cannot blackmail you into marrying her or providing fully for her. When an unmarried woman goes knowingly into a relationship with a married man and proceeds to having sex with him without insisting on protection, she cannot solely blame the man for not fully being responsible when pregnancy occurs because it is more of the responsibility of the woman to protect her body and life from situations that can harm her plans in life.
Even though you acted irresponsibly by going out of your matrimonial home, she is also not blameless hence must be ready to play her part in contributing to the welfare of the child having made the choice to selected a married man as its father.
But if you didn’t, you owe this woman more than that because it means you deceitfully lured her into a relationship you knew from the beginning lacked substance and future.
In this situation, you must not only make provisions for the baby but give her all the assurances she needs to continue with her life with limited consequences and liabilities.
This would involve you telling your wife irrespective of how unpalatable the situation it would generate. To shield your wife from this knowledge is to create a more complex situation in future and cause a permanent enmity and rivalry between the women and their children.
Naturally, your wife would not find the situation comfortable but she has to know to enable her adjust appropriately. This might require you introducing the two women to each other but make sure you don’t do this alone because it has the tendency of it boomeranging on you. There is no way your wife is going to be reasonable about sharing her man with another woman who has a child for him.
To achieve this, you would need the help of people very close to the two of you to gently break the news and talk her into meeting the other woman. But don’t expect instant solutions. It would take a long time to get there because the foundation is already defective.
It also means you have to bury whatever issues you have with her. Even if she through her own attitude drove you into the waiting arms of another woman, with what has happened, you have become the guilty one. A man has to be able at all times to manage his home and woman to have peace in his life.
At 27, you have to work extra hard not to be frustrated by the responsibilities involved in having two homes to prevent a situation where going from one woman to the other would become a pattern in your life. if you allow the seeming huge responsibilities to providing for these two women get at you, there is the tendency of you wanting to escape from it by going into the arms of another woman. It is a temptation, you must resist.
Furthermore, you have to make the effort to grow into the responsibilities your desires have brought you into by refusing to listen or capitulate to pressures of people who may want to divert you from doing what is right which is accepting your responsibilities for your actions.
Pray God gives you the wisdom and strength to overcome this challenge.
Good luck.
I love her but she doesn’t think so
With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.comTel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a million for the wonderful medium you use in changing people’s lives for the better.
I am involved in a friendship is a year old. I love my partner deeply despite coming from different social class. I come from a very wealthy family while she comes from a struggling family in which only her widowed mother is the sole provider.
When we met last year and agreed to a relationship, our different backgrounds didn’t seem to matter so much to her but I noticed after a while, she started being uncomfortable around me. She first started by comparing her family with mine which naturally came with its own problems.
I have severally sat her down to desist from such self destructive thoughts; that life is full of challenges and difficulties. I also told her that with God, all things are possible but she is so adamant and has continued to put herself and family down.
Agatha, I love her so very much making me so helpless and confused about all these.
Mike.
Dear Mike,
You are on the right path which shows a very caring and loving heart. Don’t be discouraged; continue to encourage her to trust and belief in God.
Certain experiences and talks may have informed her attitude especially from friends who think such a relationship is impossible between the two of you. The onus is and would be on you for a long time to convince her that you indeed love her and that what you feel for her is solid enough to withstand the challenges of your different social classes.
Assure her that your love doesn’t come with tags of unequal social class because what you see in her is priceless. She has to have faith in you and your love to make her overcome her inherent fears of being hurt by you or rejection by your family on account of her social background.
You cannot convince alone by mere words. She has to feel your sincerity in all the various ways a woman knows her man cherishes her.
She has to see and feel it in your cares, your protection, your placement of her in your scale of preference, your concern for her welfare and understanding of her needs.
If you advertise sex as being the only reason you want her by your side, you will never be able to convince her of your truthfulness and desires for her.
Continue to be selfless and self serving to her and your love for each other by telling her that money has nothing to do with the feelings of love.
Overtime she would come to understand how much you mean to her.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
Thanks a million for the wonderful medium you use in changing people’s lives for the better.
I am involved in a friendship is a year old. I love my partner deeply despite coming from different social class. I come from a very wealthy family while she comes from a struggling family in which only her widowed mother is the sole provider.
When we met last year and agreed to a relationship, our different backgrounds didn’t seem to matter so much to her but I noticed after a while, she started being uncomfortable around me. She first started by comparing her family with mine which naturally came with its own problems.
I have severally sat her down to desist from such self destructive thoughts; that life is full of challenges and difficulties. I also told her that with God, all things are possible but she is so adamant and has continued to put herself and family down.
Agatha, I love her so very much making me so helpless and confused about all these.
Mike.
Dear Mike,
You are on the right path which shows a very caring and loving heart. Don’t be discouraged; continue to encourage her to trust and belief in God.
Certain experiences and talks may have informed her attitude especially from friends who think such a relationship is impossible between the two of you. The onus is and would be on you for a long time to convince her that you indeed love her and that what you feel for her is solid enough to withstand the challenges of your different social classes.
Assure her that your love doesn’t come with tags of unequal social class because what you see in her is priceless. She has to have faith in you and your love to make her overcome her inherent fears of being hurt by you or rejection by your family on account of her social background.
You cannot convince alone by mere words. She has to feel your sincerity in all the various ways a woman knows her man cherishes her.
She has to see and feel it in your cares, your protection, your placement of her in your scale of preference, your concern for her welfare and understanding of her needs.
If you advertise sex as being the only reason you want her by your side, you will never be able to convince her of your truthfulness and desires for her.
Continue to be selfless and self serving to her and your love for each other by telling her that money has nothing to do with the feelings of love.
Overtime she would come to understand how much you mean to her.
Good luck.
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