Wednesday, December 5, 2012

He raped me and now he wants to marry me

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Three years ago, I was raped by one of our neighbour’s brothers. It was the first time for me. I felt very bad but I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want the matter to go beyond the two of us. On that day, I had gone into the bathroom in the afternoon when the whole compound was empty to take my bath. I didn’t know he was at home. The next thing I knew was someone forcing his way into the bathroom when I had soap on my face. He overpowered me and had his way with me. Although he later apologized but the harm had been done. My virginity was gone. As a result of the incident, the man I was going to marry left me to marry another woman. It was painful but I surrendered everything to God. My parents were very disappointed; there was nothing they didn’t say; my ex branded me a woman of easy virtue. Although the boy relocated the day after the incident, I left a week after to stay with a friend of mine. From there I picked up the pieces of my life again. I was lucky to get a very good job but my heart refused to heal. Another man I dated also disappointed me and at the point I was contemplating staying off men, the man who raped him came knocking on my door. From the look of him, he was doing very well. I thought he missed his way and was about closing the door against him when he said he came to apologise for what he did to me on that day. Don’t minding if we had an audience, he went on his knees to beg me right in front of my door. I had no choice but to allow him come in. he said he hadn’t had peace of mind since the incident. Despite telling him that I have forgiven him, he and his family members want us to get married. he said it is the only way I can show my forgiveness for him. He has been disturbing me since January this year, begging and asking me to marry him. Between you and I; I have fallen in love with him but just don’t know how to forgive him for what he did to me three years ago. Please help me understand what I should do and how to go about this situation. Docas. Dear Docas, If you are in love with him, you just have to find it in your heart to forgive this man in order to move away from the pains of the past. Doubtless, he wronged you in the worst way any man can hurt a woman. But what would you have done if he didn’t come back to beg? After all, you didn’t do anything all these years, couldn’t even tell your family what happened to you or the identity of the man who made your fiancĂ© leave you. Therefore to continue to hold on to the memory of what he didn’t to you is to deny yourself the chance to be happy in life. It would have been a different case if you had been able to move ahead of these years. The fact that you haven’t been able to sustain a relationship three years after that incident is indicative of your emotional state at what happened. Having him back will not only help you put things in their proper perspective but free you from the damaging emotions of un-forgiveness. For one to enjoy mercy, one must learn to let go. This is one of the classic situations when God’s way defies understanding; when the reason we fall in love is inexplicable. Ordinarily, you should hate this man, vow never ever to see him again and if possible, hand him over to the Police for violating you; but here you are falling in love with him. It sounds crazy but love has been known to happen in such circumstances. The fact that you didn’t squeal on him, make trouble with whosoever he was staying with or announce his nature to the world means that when you thought you were hurting, hating him, something stronger was happening to you. Your memory had refused to let go of the pleasure in your pains. This is why you couldn’t execute any meaningful relationship since the incident. Chances are even if your boyfriend then had married you, deep inside your subconscious, you would have held memories of this man: granted that you might not be able to define what precisely these feelings meant but overtime There are two things at stake here: it is either you turn your back on your love for him or give in to the desires of your heart. There is no venture without risk. But, the risk of not following the desires of one’s heart often than not, is the most traumatic and one that carries with it a lifetime of regrets. Rather than make things more difficult for both of you, why not sit him down to ask questions? For instance, why did he rape you and why is he so determined to marry you? Yours is a rather peculiar case. Not only did he come back but wants to marry you. Certainly there is a story behind this. Hearing the story will make a lot of things clearer to you which in turn will give you a better understanding into that very sad incident of three years ago. Besides, you have fallen in love with him; meaning you no man will ever be able to make you happy. Surely, this is something you cannot continue to ignore even if you hate the assault on your body. Even if you close the eyes to whatever explanations he has to give on why he did what he did as well as his reasons for wanting you permanently in his life, you cannot deny what you feel. Love is too powerful a chemistry to ignore. You can only resist it temporarily. Eventually you will have to do something about it and the earlier you made up your mind, the better for you. Don’t forget that age doesn’t wait for anybody and the often ignored issue in situations like this, that this man has a choice. There is the danger of another woman snatching him from you should you continue to dilly-dally on this issue. Particularly as there is no undoing that incident of the past. No matter how you desire it, punish him, he cannot return your broken seal. It is a done deal. And since you failed to take any legal steps against him then, you must move on. besides, if your former fiancĂ© actually loved you, he wouldn’t have left you on the basis of you losing your virginity. It showed he was more interested in your body than your well being. A man who has more than passing interest in a woman, doesn’t limit his decision to one mistake. So, in a way, you and that man were never meant to be. You would never have been completely happy with your ex. Though no woman prays to be violated, the reason for certain developments in our lives cannot be explained. Because only God has the knowledge of all our tomorrows, go to Him in prayers. Tell this man to give you time to pray and ask for help. It is obvious that you need more than the assurances of your feelings to move on. Thereafter, give you and him the opportunity to know each other, to discover if you two have what it takes to be a happy couple. Talking to God will make it easier for you to forgive him completely from the heart since He is one who never gets tired of forgiving His children. From experience, your kind of story and situation are what solid relationships and marriages are made of. Having hurt you so deeply ones, he would never want to do anything that will hurt you again. This is because a man can only hurt a woman this deep once in her lifetime. There is nothing this man can do to you that will be as deep as raping you. Trust in love and your heart. Good luck