Dear Agatha,
My wife is pushing me to hurt her. We got married last year and we have an eight-month old son. I attend Living Faith Church and she is from a Jehovah’s Witness. When we newly got married, she was reluctant to follow me to my church but after persuasion and a little threat she started going with me only to stop suddenly. I came back from church two weeks ago to meet the house locked. I later discovered she went with her parents to their church. Since then nothing has been the same in our house. I find it difficult to communicate with her because I’m bitter at her attitude. I feel betrayed by her.
I now derive more joy at work than at home and I no longer feel the attraction I used to have for her so much so that the act of marriage with her is more like having sex with a strange woman than making love to my wife and when we do, I see the face of another woman.
The reason I still eat her food is because I’m not used to eating outside. I don't feel safe with her anymore. I feel this disconnection from her spiritually and that is not the kind of relationship I want with my wife.
In as much as infidelity is not a way of life for, she may force me to seek fulfilment elsewhere or better still send her home. I’m beginning to wonder if insisting that my wife goes to the same church with me is asking too much even when the Bible says that a wife should be subject to her husband in everything. She has even said the reason she was going with me in the first place was because she is not working yet. I need your advice before she pushes me to the point of no return.
Worried man.
Dear Worried Man,
What were the arrangements you both put in place before getting married? Didn’t you two discuss the issue of church during the time you courted? Granted, a woman has no religion or church until she gets married but there are now many instances where the couple chooses what works for them. If the arrangement before you both got married was for you two to continue to attend your different churches, insisting on her coming with you to yours now is wrong.
You will have to give her time to make up her mind about it. Though the Bible is specific on the husband being the head of the home and the woman subjecting herself to her husband, the same Bible points every one of us to application of wisdom in every situation we find ourselves.
No marriage will stand the test of time in absolute authoritarianism. If you want this woman to respect and listen to your wishes, you must learn to treat her as a human being with interests of her own. To be adamant on issues which under ideal circumstances could be resolved amicably destroys the future of a relationship.
In the first instance, both of you don’t have to drag the issue. God Himself is capable of fighting His battles and does His things perfectly without question or confusions. Good enough both of you are Christians. At this point, it should matter how both of you approach God, what should matter is what brought you both together despite the obvious differences in your worship. The fact that you didn’t remember these differences when you met, decided to spend the rest of your lives together, have a baby, shows the differences you are making a major issue now, is superficial.
One thing that never works in life especially in a relationship, and marriage for that matter, is the use of force. Life itself is a free gift from God and if you look around you, the best and priceless things in life are given to us free of charge. Therefore, to enjoy the hidden treasure of life, which is peace, learn to adopt the gift of freedom in your dealings with people. Over time, such people given the benefit of your behaviour and fairness in handling others around you, often than not, come over to your side of their own free will.
Your wife is an individual, free to have opinions, decisions and actions. This is irrespective of whether she is your wife or not. These are her God given rights just like we cannot deny our children the right to their freedom when the time comes. You must, as the head of the home, first accept this to equip you to play your role well as the head of the home. She is not a slave or servant. God made her your helpmate, to assist you in giving meaning to your life. Marriage is about compromises. When a man or woman insists his or her way is the only right way, a lot of harm is done in the process.
If you are patient, understanding and caring, overtime, your ways will win her over. Even where you both agreed, she would cross over to your church once married, you still need a lot of tolerance to win her over. This is not saying she is right to have changed the goal post so soon after marriage but being the head of the home, you need to lead by setting the right examples in your home. It won’t do for you as the head of the home to always give in to pressure and anger.
Yes, she has done something highly provocative. But, then who is to blame? If her parents didn’t support her to go with them, insist she accords her husband the respect he deserves as the head of the home, there is no way she could have gone to that church with them. Being more experienced in this matter, they should have never given her the support and encouragement to disobey the feelings of her husband whom they willingly gave out in marriage.
So, go to her parents and tell them precisely how you feel and the danger their obvious support for their daughter is putting your home in. They are the real danger to your happiness, not your wife who is merely acting a script written for her long ago. You have to understand it would take a while, especially if she grew up with parents who have brainwashed her into accepting theirs is the only right way.
It would take time for her to shift loyalty from her parents to you. This is why I insist you should be less critical of her and support her to trust your ways. Then also think of the innocent baby who at eight months needs the love, care and appreciation of the parents to be really happy. Ask a lot of men who have been married for a long time, and they will tell you that marriage is a journey of thorns, pricks, toil, tolerance, selflessness, endurance, trust in God, prayer to make the bricks solid.
Ending your marriage on account of which church is the best is branding the God we serve as being the author of confusion. Lean on and pray to Him for His presence in your marriage. Once He comes into it, everything that appears to be impossible will become so easy you will begin to wonder why you thought it difficult in the first place.
If you go into an extra marital affair, it is because you have always wanted to, not as a result of her refusal to follow you to your church. Resist creating greater problems for your marriage by your inability to handle things with maturity.
Good luck.
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