She wants our wedding shelved till after her NYSC…

Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am a 26-year-old economist with a good job. I am involved with this girl, 21 years and in her final year. We met a year ago and looking forward to our wedding. We also made a vow not to have sex until after our wedding ceremony. Sincerely, I’ve been under pressure from my parents who insist everything should be completed by December. Her mother was a good friend of mine before she died last year. Her daddy is too stern to talk about her marriage. I am also constantly being tempted by the female folks around me. Things aren’t getting better.

Recently, my girlfriend came back from school with a change of plan. She demanded we shelve our wedding plans until she comes back from her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year, which would be around 2013. Reason, she doesn’t want people to say she’s hurrying. All attempts to make her see that people’s opinion is not the standard for life have not yielded much result.

I find it difficult to continue this way. Don’t know what to do. Should I keep her or go ahead and pick another girl? I really love this girl and don’t want to lose her. Someone suggested abstaining from sex before marriage is old fashioned. Could that be what’s playing up here?

Concerned Man.

Dear Concerned Man,

The real question is: are you both really in this relationship because you are truly in love with each other or coaxed into it by the relationship between your mothers?

You can only have a meaningful relationship if your feelings for each other come from your hearts, if your love for each other is deep and truthful. There is no way she would have the same kind of commitment you expect from a woman you want to marry if she is doing out of a sense of duty to the memory of her late mother.

Secondly at 21, marriage may not be what she wants from life now. Asking you to defer your plans until she comes back from her service year is to give her time to be sure before committing herself to you finally.

Accede to her demands because at the end of the day, it would help both of you determine what is of importance to you now. Don’t get married because your parents are pressurising you into it, do it because you have found the right woman and are convinced that it is what you want to do.

The fact that you are already contemplating replacing her with one of the women around you is worrisome and to a large extent justifies the nagging fears of this young woman.

Then replacing her with another woman, if she doesn’t fall into your plans, should not have been the first thing on your mind. A more matured man and one who is in love would opt for discussions as well as compromises. You would have listened to her reasons, fears and given her all the assurances she is silently asking for. Rather than think of dropping her for another woman, what you should have found out from her is why she is developing cold feet.

If you really are thinking of marriage now, you still have a long way to go in the handling of a woman and her concomitant emotions.

Marriage is about discussions, sacrifices, selflessness as well as support. No major earthquake would happen if you don’t marry her immediately. Don’t make it look as if you are forcing her into marrying you. You may be ready but she isn’t. There is no way you can ever enjoy marriage to her in this state.

Ideally a bride to be happy with the choice of her heart would not want distance to separate her from her man, would do everything possible to ensure she is posted close to her man. Insisting she goes away from you for a while should alert you that all isn’t well with your plans for each other. A young lady who recently lost her mother would be more than happy to be with her man.

Take your cue from her, and do a deep thinking. Ensure you are not living the dreams of your parents but yours. Also reflect on your feelings for her as well as your true readiness to be a married man.

This isn’t your parents’ dream but yours. As a man ready for marriage you should, by now, know what you want as well as the boldness to declare it to anybody. It could be her source of concern that you are not man enough to manage your own home.

She could be afraid she is marrying your parents and not you. Her demand is for you to be sure. Engage her in a deep and thought provoking discussion. At his critical stage, don’t be afraid to bring up an issue that you are not comfortable with.

Ignore your friend. Everything doesn’t have to boil down to sex or lack of it. The issue at hand is more serious than the trivial issue of whether or not you are sleeping with her. You would be insulting her person, her reasons and your integrity as a man if you follow the thinking of your friend. The issue at hand is more serious than that.

It is always best to spend extra time getting the right texture and heat for a gold than rush the process and come out with a very sorry result. Marriage is premium gold that requires the patience and craft of the goldsmith to get it right. Patience is time consuming. In your shoes, I would let her go for her service year. Don’t be afraid if she were yours, she would definitely come back to you with so much happiness and enthusiasm to spend the rest of her life with you. The things we treasure the most are those things that demand more sacrifices from us.

Good luck.