She wants to come back after cheating on me

Dear Agatha, Please help me resolve the situation of heart brokenness caused me by the girl I love so much. There is this girl I met in 2009 when I was sitting for my West African Senior Secondary School Examinations. Immediately I saw her something strong moved in me. It was a kind of feeling I have never felt before. So I walked up to her to express my feelings for her. I kept disturbing her until she agreed to be my date. It took her four months to agree to my proposal. Overtime she became as much in love with me as I am with her. I spent a little time with her in the village before she left to stay with her mother in Rivers State. We kept in constant touch with each other. Over the years, I also noticed she didn’t toy with me. We however saw each other at Christmas seasons and was always happy to see me. A lot of people have been asking us to decide on the date and time of our wedding. However, things began to change early last year when I noticed she no longer called me as frequently as she used to. If I call her, she won’t pick my calls. Even when she sees my calls, she won’t return it. There was this particular day a guy answered her call and told me she wasn’t around. She didn’t bother to return my call for that day. So many things changed. But when we met last Christmas, she pretended nothing was amiss and displayed all the affections of the past years. She didn’t stay for the length of time she normally would have. Three days after she returned to Rivers State, I called her but she kept rejecting my calls. At a point, she simply switched off her phone. And when I kept disturbing her with calls, she told me she didn’t want me calling her again and that she wasn’t interested in the relationship again. I pleaded with her bit she refused. A week after, I called her but to my pains, the same man answered her phone. I had to ask the guy of his relationship with my girlfriend. He told me they were dating. I felt betrayed and my heart became heavy with sadness at her treatment of me. I left a message for her with him; that she should call me. She called me around 1:45 a.m. After discussing with her; she apologised because, I never cheated on her in the years that we dated. I ended the discussion by telling that I quit. The next day she called me and was crying and pleading for forgiveness and re-acceptance. She has also sent me several text messages calling her actions foolish and not knowing the value of what she has. She informed me that she has terminated the relationship with the other guy. She had also been pleading it will never happen and that she did it for the fun of it, not knowing it will tear us apart. She has been crying and begging me to accept her back since then. I really feel betrayed by her actions. I have also sworn not to ever date her again but there is nothing I can do about my love for her. I also know she really loves me. Please help me out. Should I go back to her because she has come to full realization of her mistakes and that I really love her or forget about her and move on with my life? Please your valued counsel is urgently needed. Simon. Dear Simon, Betrayal is associated with love. The two always go together. In addition, there is no relationship without its seasons of pains, joy and testimony. What often makes the difference is the quality of love that exists between the couple. One thing you must appreciate in a relationship especially in a long distant one; is the grace of God. Without it, a couple may find it almost impossible to be happy together. It is this grace that helps couples to see ahead of many situations they find themselves in. In some cases, it isn’t about who committed the worst crime but a combinations of all factors that created the situation in the first place. Sincerely, both of you are at fault in this relationship. Although she erred severely by going outside the relationship to date another man, you also left too many things to chance. We are not equally gifted with the same kind of emotional resistance. You happen to fall into the category of those whose resistance is very strong. It wasn’t wise on your part to assume she too can put up your kind of resistance. Don’t also forget that unlike the life of a man; that of the woman is limited by nature and staying with her mother, being around her friends in where she stays will put a certain kind of pressure on her. Nobody would take her serious about a relationship where the man has never visited her. You don’t live abroad; you live in Nigeria so why haven’t you taken time out to make yourself visible to her mother and friends in Rivers State? One thing is to talk about having a boyfriend who loves her so very much; another thing is for the boy to make an appearance in her life. Knowing how the mind of the average woman works, her friends and associates would have on several occasions wondered loudly and mockingly too about her absentee boyfriend and urged her to protect herself by accepting another man in her life. Their arguments would be hinged on the very common ones; do you know what he is up to? If he is as much in love with you as he claims, why hasn’t he bothered to come down here to see you? These are just examples of the kinds of pressures she might have gone through in the hands of her friends. If your love is strong enough to survive this, correct this mistake by taking time out to be with her. Seeing her in December only doesn’t amount to anything much. Both of you aren’t living in different countries. It won’t take you more than a day, to travel from your base to Rivers State at worst. Your presence there will not only serve to announce your love for her but underline your seriousness with her. Even if you stay with her for two days, it will erase any negative impression her family and friends might have nurtured in their minds. It will also afford the mother the opportunity of meeting and discussing with you. As for your worry on whether to take her back or not; it is yours to make because you are the one at the centre of it all. You are the one who knows what you feel for her and how strong the feelings are. However, in making this important decision, please consider these points. Can you trust her to be faithful to you? Will you be able to completely forgive and forget about the incident? One thing is to forgive; another thing is to forget. It is the forgetting part that tells how fast your relationship will heal from this. If you are unable to forget it, chances are you will never completely trust her even though, you love her. You will keep suspecting her every move to the extent you will never believe whatever she tells you especially concerning the nature of her relationship with any man. As it is, the relationship is stationary at that point you discovered her duplicity. Only your true forgiveness can jump start it. If you know it will be difficult for you to really forgive her, don’t make the mistake of taking her back because you will only end up really messing things up between the two of you. If you need time, be honest enough to tell her that you will need time to get the hurt out of your system before you can come back to her. Don’t allow her tears force you into a situation you know you cannot handle at least, for now. You need time to make the right decision. Just turn to God for His peace and comfort. One thing is for sure; if both of you are meant to be, you will find a way around it. Good luck.

Her friends are wayward

Dear Agatha, We recently moved homes to a new neighborhood and I noticed my wife’s new friends are the kinds of women who enjoy having extra marital affairs. As a matter of fact, one of them has approached me for a relationship. She called me on my phone, pretended she needed my assistance with her car which according to her broke down in a place not too far from my office. She said I was the only one she could call as her husband’s and mechanic numbers were not going through. She said she got my number from my wife because she knew from their conversation that my office wasn’t too far from where her car broke down. I had to discontinue with the meeting I was holding with members of my staff to help her. Indeed the car broke down but I soon discovered that the battery terminal was bad so, I had to call my driver to help her get a new one through our official mechanic. She thanked me and I thought that was all. I was very surprised when she came to the office an hour later with my driver to thank me. I had no choice to offer her lunch since it was already lunchtime. From the way she was looking at me, making her eyes, being a streetwise man, I knew she was up to something but I purposely ignored all the come on signs she was passing on. The next time she came was to invite me to lunch. She said she was in the neighbourhood and decided to pay me a visit. To cut the long story short, she actually invited me out for the purpose of having sex with her. I declined not because I am a saint but that she is married and a friend to my wife. She didn’t find it funny but I stood my grounds and threatened to report her conduct to her husband if she ever tried it again. This is why I don’t want my wife getting close to them. I know what such women are capable of. I still trust my wife but if she continues to keep the company of these women, it may spell doom to my marriage one of the things I dread the most in life. I went through a very horrible childhood as a result of the divorce of my parents. I don’t want my children going through it. I’m sending you this email because I trust your judgment. How do I make my wife understand me on this? The few times, I tried, she was very angry and quarreled with me. She said I don’t ever want her to mix with other women and that I am being unreasonable. I love my wife but fear for the future of our marriage if she keeps ignoring me. How best do I handle this rather delicate matter without causing problem in my marriage? My wife can be very unpredictable. In addition the more she exposes me to these women, the higher she exposes me to temptations since not all of them are married. Don. Dear Don, First, I want to appreciate your honesty. Not every man would exercise such restrain in the face of such temptation. This is the peg you need to make your wife listen. It is a simple case of either keeping her man and home or those new friends of hers. There are no two ways about it in this kind of situation. There is no relationship without its season of quarrels and making up. These are some of the things that give a relationship its distinct character and flavours. God never promised us a life without ups and downs. Simply because your parents went through divorce doesn’t mean you are heading for one when you take a stand on an important matter such as this. Reality demands that both of you must disagree to agree. Cocooning your relationship from going through all the stages of life will only make it more fragile and unable to stand the test of time. Your wife isn’t a fool. There is no way she would prefer her new friends to her husband and home. Many a time the problem is usually in the presentation of an issues. From her responses to your attempts to introduce this subject, it is clear that you both have had issues before on whether she should keep friends or not. Ensure, you clear that backlog first if you want her to appreciate the actuality of the new threat to her marriage. Perhaps, you have never really made her to appreciate everything you went through as a child. This is perhaps the time to share deep family secrets you have never told her before. She must know how deep the sores you carried from your childhood into adulthood. Many a time, the things we run away from are the very things that hunt us in our later years. There is no way she can appreciate your fears if you don’t tell her. Don’t neglect the fact that she wasn’t there when all that happened to you. And if she isn’t from a broken home, had always enjoyed the comfort and support of her parents, it would be almost impossible for her to appreciate your fears. By helping her to understand you better; you open your marriage to greater understanding and possibilities. Nobody likes to be given unreasonable orders, which is precisely what you are doing by telling her to discontinue with a group of friends you must braide her with a reason. Unarguably, these friends are not the kind of women she should have as friends but, asking her not to be their friends without concrete evidences of why she shouldn’t be, will not serve any purpose at all. She is an adult, your wife, a mother and person who has graduated from taking orders from her parents to one who is also in that position of giving orders. To have you make decisions for her as if she is still in the kindergarten class, is wrong. Marriage is about two people reasoning together and finding common ground in the process of argument and disagreement. Once she understands the premise you are coming from; that it isn’t to deny her of her fundamental rights of free association, she will listen to you. You must also appreciate that the bad friends are the ones with all the interesting ingredients to make her relax and feel loved in their presence. Frankly, this does present a new bouquet of challenges to the spouse who sees ahead of the danger. Because they appear more exciting and fun to be with, she will naturally want to protest and in the process brand you a joy killer. If you don’t handle it with care and love, you risk making her defiant and blind to the inherent dangers ahead. It is only after you have convinced her of your true intentions; appreciate your person that you can now talk about her new friends. Even at that, don’t go directly into it. First, find out from her who her new friends really are beyond the picture they present her. Ask her if she knows what they are into; their views on monogamy and faithfulness to their spouses. Find out what she finds interesting about them and if she envies their kind of lifestyles. You have to know how far she is into them to know how best to break her free from their hold. To introduce the subject begin by agreeing with her on the things you find are true about her new friends; say this without bias before telling her about your encounter with the particular one that came to your office and what she did. Assure her you have nothing against her having friends but she must be mindful of the kind of friends she keeps and that she must appreciate her role as a mother and wife in whatever decision she takes. This way, you are pushing the decision to her to settle for what is important to her the most. And since it doesn’t appear to be an order, she will gladly do what you want with the most minimal complaints. Every issue in marriage requires wisdom to tackle. Good luck.

I prefer my brother-in-law to my husband

Dear Agatha, I am 28 and married with a child. I got married to the brother of my best friend’s husband. I did this because of how responsible and respectful my friend’s husband is. He is caring, thoughtful and very much of a family man. He is always there for his wife and children and has never lifted his finger against his wife. This made me very determined to marry into his family. With the help of my friend, a meeting was arranged between his immediate brother and I. At the end of the day, we got married. About three weeks into the marriage, I discovered the only thing he has in common with his brother is the surname they share. He is world apart from him. He is disrespectful, unfaithful and irresponsible. By the time I was six months pregnant, he has started beating me, calling me names like ugly, amoeba and pig. I didn’t know what to do anymore since reporting him to his brother didn’t make any much difference. If anything, it only made him worse. The birth of our daughter appeared to touch him in a very special way because he changed and became more responsible. His mother died about a month to the birth of our daughter. Right from her first moment on earth, she looked like her, even having the same beauty spot at the left of her lips like my late mother in law. My husband being particularly close to his mother said, she reincarnated in our daughter. In the early days, he took care of our daughter, always changing her diapers, making her food and taking turns to care for her at night. I was happy but when the baby clocked a year, he changed again giving the excuse that I am taking him for granted. Although he isn’t as bad as he was but he is a far cry from his brother. In all honesty, I envy my friend so much and would have done anything to have her own husband. Whenever I am with them, I wish and crave for her husband and wonder at her luck at having him to herself. How can my husband be like hers? How can I make him responsible? Yetty. Dear Yetty, Your preoccupation with your friend’s marriage and home is very dangerous and that could topple the harmony of the entire family. It is unhealthy to yearn after that which belongs to another person. This man isn’t just your best friend’s husband but also your brother-in-law. Therefore, what you find appealing about him must be buried and forgotten by you in the interest of everybody. Your husband can never be like your friend’s husband. This is because they are both unique in their ways and have different attitudes to issues despite being brothers. Not even identical twins have the same attitude and behavior to issues. So why do you think your husband must be like his brother? What makes you think his brother is better than him? The truth here is, you are too fixed on your friend’s husband to have time for your own home and husband. Though you didn’t say it, not only are you jealous of your friend’s husband to the exclusion of everything else, you are unconsciously in love with him the very reason your husband appears to be irritating you. Even if he changes to be the most perfect man in the world, you will still find something to complain about him because your mind isn’t really in tune with his. A wise woman would have used the opportunity provided by the semblance of her daughter to her late mother-in-law to win over her husband, change him for the best and create a happy ambiance in her home. Your home is your garden. If you fail to cultivate it very well as a woman and wife, you will never have the presence of mind to relax in it because you will forever be looking at the garden of another woman and wishing for the greenness of her garden. If your husband is violent, irresponsible and rude, have you bothered to find out why he is everything his brother isn’t? Have you stopped to wonder at the efforts your friend puts into making her husband so perfect? The attitude of your husband could be a mirror of your neglect of him. A perfect marriage is a product of sacrifices, resilience and determination of the couple. To get you to pay attention to his person, your husband might be saying all those things out of frustration. If your friend’s home is happy, it is simply that she has taken time out to study her husband’s needs, likes and is doing everything that makes him happy. Once a man finds that kind of woman, he would do everything to ensure she is happy because she compliments him perfectly. It is pure foolishness on your part to continue to envy the home of your friend while leaving yours to wither. If you don’t know how to start, call your friend aside to ask her for useful tips on how to earn the trust of your man and have peace in your home. Your husband didn’t drop from heaven. If he were as useless as you painted him, the changes you noticed in him when you gave birth to your daughter is indicative of his ability and capacity to be a loving, considerate husband and father. The question, is can you reciprocate those considerations? Can you create the kind of happiness your friend has fashioned in her home? To do that, you must first appreciate the extra-ordinary qualities of your husband. Without devoting time to studying him outside the cast of his brother, you will never find out anything about him. The result is that you will continue to ascribe to him all the faults in the marriage and in the process destroy every hope of your marriage becoming ideal. He too is clearly not happy in the house. You may not know it; but he could also be regretting his decision to marry you especially as you appear to be spending all your time day dreaming about a man who is married and is, from all indices happy with his own family. One thing you must appreciate about marriage is this; no two marriages can ever be alike. Even if you marry your brother-in-law, you will never have the same kind of results he is achieving with your best-friend. The reason is for this is the chemistry of attraction between two persons. You are just you and he is also himself. You can never emit the kind of chemical reactions your friend emits to his own kind of chemistry. This makes your craving for him useless and uncalled for. Beyond your animate desire to marry into the family of your best friend is, the matter of the attraction between you and your husband the day you first met. Something sparked for a marriage to have happened between the two of you. For now, that should be enough for you to work on. Ask your friend to find out from her husband what kinds of food sappealed to your husband when he was young. Make the attempt to cook it for him as a way of breaking the ice between the two of you. Once you are able to create the right atmosphere in your home, log on to frank conversation to clear up all the nagging issues between the two of you. Lead him to talk as sincerely as possible his disappointments with you and the marriage. Remember, not to take offence at whatever he says if you want to be happy in your home too. Be a wise and determined woman who is ready to grow her home in love and respect. Where you are wrong, apologise to him with the promise never to make him unhappy again. If he apologises, all well and good; if he doesn’t, don’t push him to. Overtime, he would, in the different ways men tell their women, they are sorry. Every man likes to be pampered by his woman; given attention as well as respect. This man is the reason you are in that home so give him all the attention he needs if you want to get the best out of him always and have a home like that of your friend. Above all, enthrone God as the head of your home; this way, you will never go wrong. Good luck.

My husband is having an affair

Dear Agatha, I will be 49 next month. I last saw my period six months ago. Before it stopped, my periods were so heavy, nothing was holding me longer than an hour. I was changing practically every 30 minutes. It was so bad, my husband had to take me to see the doctor who said, it was very normal with some women. Immediately, after that passed, I began to feel my womb popping up. I was so scared I had to rush off to see the doctor again. After examination, he said nothing was wrong that my reproductive system was simply shutting down. I didn’t like the word, shutting down because it meant as a woman I was no longer useful. I also started having hot flushes and losing weight. Initially I was happy because it meant looking trim and more fashionable. But in recent times, I have noticed the appearance of more wrinkles on my face, especially around my neck, mouth and eyes areas. But all these are not as worrisome as the impact of this phase on my sex life. I have become so dry, that making love is very painful. My husband and I have tried using Vaseline to make it smoother for me but it ends up hurting me badly. And from the look of things, he isn’t finding all these funny. Severally, I have heard him grumbling when he thinks I am not near, but when he senses I am watching him, he pretends all is well. As a result, I hate making love. My husband who is quite adventurous, has already started having an affair. I know because I have seen him with this lady about twice. I don’t want to lose him because this is the time I need my marriage the most. I have asked several friends on how they coped or are coping. All my friends pretend they don’t have any problem with it or haven’t hit the menopause mark. I really don’t know who to turn to for help. Even my mother I tried to get help from, terrified me the more. She actually told me it was a taboo for a woman who has reached menopause to have sex with her man again. She said I should turn a blind eye to whatever my husband was doing with another woman; that I should be contented with caring for him and the children. I have tried to read about menopause in the media, but it seems nobody wants to discuss it. I am really getting very frustrated because apart from my doctor who keeps assuring me that I will be fine, all I get are blank stares from friends and relatives. I want my husband back but how do I make him come back when, each time he comes near me, I become frigid? Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, There is nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. It is a phase every woman is expected to pass through. There is no escaping from it. Like the menstrual years, it comes with some discomfort but these are things that can be managed. Menopause means the loss of estrogen which often than not leads to changes in a woman’s sexual drive and functions. The reason for this is that with loss of estrogen, blood supply to her anatomy is reduced which affects her lubrication. This naturally causes the area to be very dry making sex painful like the kind you are currently experiencing. Unfortunately, lower estrogen is not the only reason behind depreciating sexual performance in some middle aged women. Other factors include, bladder control problems; some women experience increased bladder movement, sleeping disturbances, stress, depression like you are experiencing. The more worried you are, the more complex the situation becomes. You have to let go of your worries and anxiety to improve your condition. Even if your husband decides to date all the women around him, learn to look the other way if you really want him back in your life. Although there are no guarantees for treating women with menopausal sexual challenges, estrogen replacement is an option; it makes intercourse less painful as it helps retain moisture in the vaginal area. Discuss with your gynaecologist. Frankly, this isn’t time for you to be shy to converse with your doctor. For now, your doctor should be your best friend. Let him refer you to those who are trained to deal with middle aged woman going through menopausal crisis. In the meantime, vaginal dryness can be treated with water-soluble lubricants like astroglide or K-Y Jelly. The use of Vaseline, a non-water soluble in addition to weakening the materials used in the manufacture of condom also encourage the growth of bacteria in the vaginal area. Using water based lubricants will definitely help you maintain moisture, long enough for you and your husband to have a normal love life. You will need the help and support of your husband to scale this hurdle. You definitely need more foreplay and attention than before. To get your husband to help you, you must first accept the fact that certain things have to change from the way you have done them in the past. More than women, this knowledge affects men more and is enough to make some men panic sufficiently to want to test their virility with younger women. This is the time men get more vain; are more afraid of losing their vibrancy than women. Therefore, you have to be very patient to bring him back home to you. Having lived with you till this moment, the chances of dumping you for a younger woman is slim. No man at this age wants to start nappies and crying babies. Like you, he is looking forward to being a grandfather but just that the male ego wants some excitement to assure him that no matter the age of a man, he remains productive. What has changed is that you can no longer make babies but you can still look good, sexy and imaginative. My mother once told me it is called the wisdom years of a woman. In every true sense, you are wiser now, more mature and able to handle just about any challenge thrown at you. Besides, this phase takes away your monthly worries of applying caution. No matter how many times you do it now, there is no getting pregnant. It is one worry off your shoulders. The result is a more relaxed and matured approach to the whole concept of lovemaking. Nothing you do or say anymore is forbidden or seen as strange. Therefore to get him back, you must dig deep into your bag of experiences and fantasies. He can no longer ask you questions about how you came about the knowledge of lovemaking. When he is at home, nothing stops both of you from watching an adult film. It would help relax you sufficiently for both of you to enjoy intimacy. Sometimes, visuals have a way of making it happen for the woman who lacks initiative of her own. Adult books too also give wonderful ideas to help the middle aged woman keep afloat. It will also help educate you on the positions that will help reduce the discomfort of deep penetration. For the sake of both of you, it is essential you control the depth of penetration. You also have to keep working on your appearance. That you are in your menopausal years shouldn’t stop you from looking good. Like an old wine, experienced women can actually look better than younger women. The trick is to carve your own fashion statement. Look for cuts that flatter without making you appear to be struggling to stay young. It is a simple matter of learning to wear your age like an underwear. If you feel comfortable in pant trousers, look for the matured cut; compliment with blouses that cover up the body but are very feminine. Ensure when he is at home, he finds a friend in you; one who has the ability to help him grow, recover from whatever kind of stress he is going through. Make attempts to bring back those wonderful and early years; reminiscence over the early years, when the children started coming as well as what you hope to do later. At every point, make it interesting, something to look forward to. Since all the children are now grown up, take your husband on a holiday. The magic is to learn how to fall in love again. With it comes a sense of excitement; the kind that gives sex a new meaning and helps you relax. Age is an attitude. Be determined that this isn’t the end of your life. Good luck.