Her husband threatens divorce over my calls…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please I need your help. My ex-girlfriend is married with children likewise me, but the fact is that I’m still in love with her. I still send her text messages and call her frequently. The big problem now is that her husband is threatening to divorce her unless she stops picking my calls. Please advise me on what to do, should I stop calling her or ignore her husband’s threat to divorce her? Sunny. Dear Sunny, What are you trying to do? Wreck her home? If she was very precious to you, why did you let her go when you had your chance to marry her? In her husband’s shoes, how would you feel if your wife’s ex keeps calling her? Is it that you are out for revenge or you don’t have respect for this woman’s home? Whatever your reasons are, it isn’t love, because if what you really feel for her is true love, you will do everything humanly possible to protect her home and marriage. Love is caring, sensitive and selfless. There is no denying the fact that what you feel for this lady isn’t any of these. If you care for her, you would be concerned for her happiness and security in her home. You would have long disappeared from the scene to give her and her family the chance to be happy together. Even if she desires to forget you, your calls and messages aren’t making it easier for her to forget. The fact that you both once dated and a part of her appears to miss what you both shared, your presence in her life will never make her let go. This is where a matured and very sensitive man would walk away completely from her. The more you stay around her, the more complex you are making things in her marriage. She needs all the time and concentration in the world to make her marriage work. You are certainly a distraction to everything a marriage stands for. You obviously are selfish and callous-the kind of person who is so wrapped up in his world to care what becomes of others. The fact that you are even contemplating ignoring her husband’s warning about divorcing her is indeed an indication that you care only about yourself. Even though the woman in question is acting foolish by taking your calls, you should at least be more matured in this matter. On the whole, it appears you lack knowledge of what marriage is all about. No marriage survives with a third party in it. You are the third party in their marriage, a huge factor threatening the peace and harmony of another mind. Unfortunately the time you would have deployed into making your marriage work; apparently, your marriage isn’t working: you are investing into reviving something that died the day you both went your different ways. This is a clear testimony that, you also lack respect for your own wife and marriage. A man who reverences his home and wife would never do anything to hurt another couple. Rather than waste precious time trying to date another man’s wife, who not sit back and look for the missing links in your own marriage? That your mind appears fixed on your ex, means a lot of things are currently missing in your marriage and life. This is the time for you to take a look at all the things you want and are not getting from your marriage and the woman in your life. Start by asking yourself what is so compelling about the other woman that makes her evergreen in your memory? Do you know what these are? If you don’t, why not seek answers now before you destroy two marriages? Even if you don’t cherish your marriage, why not do it for the sake of your ex, the one you claim to love? There is no marriage without its challenges. Yours can only vanish if you apply yourself to making it work against the many odds confronting your persons. There is no arguing the fact that our hearts sometimes chase after something we lost in the past, the truth however, is without giving the present the opportunity of making its own history, the quality of the future will be affected negatively. If you persist in your unreasonable approach to keep in touch with your ex, you will never be able to make anything out of your marriage; the result would either be a very sorry marriage or a complete divorce. Painfully, you won’t be the only one to suffer its consequences. Innocent lives will be affected by your own apathy – your wife and the children being the major victims. At the end of the day, you would have succeeded in making a huge mess of the lives of innocent people, some who will never recover from all these. The other woman has nothing to offer you. She has her husband and children to think of. They represent certainty while you are uncertainty. Don’t forget that the factors that cause your break up the first time are still there and would only be complicated by the many people that are now integral parts of your lives. But if you take time off to unearth the fundamental problems in your marriage with a view of addressing the issues, you will be leaving a worthy legacy for your children. Encourage your wife to talk about her fears, dreams and plans for the marriage and future. This way you will be able to deduce the problem areas in your marriage and plan how to eliminate them. In addition, create the opportunities for both of you to get to know each other again. Begin the process of wooing her all over again. Make it a second opportunity of getting right the things you got wrong in the first place. Chances are you may really not have given yourselves the chance to find out more about each other. This is the time to make amends. Find out everything about her that would make living with her fun and happy. Trashing the image of the other woman would open your mind more to receive all the information that make living with your wife better. A good marriage takes effort to build. Plenty of sacrifices go into it as well as wisdom. Even if you love the other woman passionately, this is the time to make the sacrifice required for everyone to be happy. By letting her be, you have made the vital sacrifice to protect her marriage and name. Going by the threats of her husband, his reasons for ending the marriage would be based on infidelity. I am sure you wouldn’t want her image to be so rubbished on account of your calls and text messages. By then it won’t matter to people that both of you didn’t sleep with each other. The conclusion of everyone would be that she actually did it with you. If for nothing, but because of what you once shared, end this thing and give her the gift of a happy home. It is the least sacrifice you can make for the one you claim to love. In addition, imagine the emotional pains of her husband; the torments of all the thoughts that would daily be going through his minds especially when she has to go out and doesn’t come back early. Sincerely, you are lucky because other men would have found ways of putting you out of action. Jealousy can make a man do unimaginable things; including mindless murder. So it isn’t just a case of allowing her enjoy her marriage but of you saving your own life at the end of the day. Only the living lusts after a woman. Acts of provocation are given light sentences in the courts of law. There is no greater provocation than what you are doing to this man and his family. He deserves the right to be happy with his wife. Good luck.

How can I stop this funny habit?

With Agatha Edo , Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I read your blog for the first time and was happy at your responses to issues brought to you. I also want you to help me sort out my own problems. I hope you will help me too as you did for others. I am 18 years old and, for five years now, I have freely indulged daily in the habit of stimulating myself to sexual satisfaction. I have become so worried because I want to get rid of it but I am not able to. The habit is beginning to affect my studies and I am ashamed because of it. I cannot discuss it with anybody especially my parents. I cannot even tell our family doctor about it. Please tell me what to do. I am bothered because it is very capable of ruining my life as I do it in excess. Ashutosh Dear Ashutosh, You are right. This is very capable of ruining your life completely if you don’t grow the determination to beat the habit. It is a matter of being honest with yourself and knowing what you want to become in life. There is no practice one cannot get rid of once one is determined. You must begin to place the negative side of your over-indulgence on self- stimulations on the front burner of your life. Ask yourself these vital questions each time the urge comes: Is this habit worth sacrificing your future dream for? How far will this carry you in life? What have you benefitted from it in all the five years you have engaged in it? Asking yourself these questions at the high point of your urges will scale down to an extent the potency of the urge long enough for you to reason out the essence of it all. You have stayed on this habit for too long so much so it has become an integral part of your social life. The danger of not doing anything about it is that of you preferring it to the real thing the very reason a lot of men become affirmed gays. Although this may sound outrageous and offensive to some people, but you might need to get yourself a girlfriend whose presence will bridge your passion for self-stimulation. She will help take your mind off this habit as well as introduce you to the natural way of sexual expression. While I can recommend prayers but experiences in the past have shown that when a habit becomes as addictive as you have become on your dependence on masturbation, spiritual remedy has to be combined with practical steps to make it work. Even if you pray from today till eternity, if you lack the kind of determination required to stop it, the prayers won’t work. Having a girl in your life would give you someone to talk to; someone who understands the way your mind works, know the things you have to endure in the process of keeping with your habit and the inherent struggle and loathsomeness that follow every failed attempt to stop. The reason for the presence of a woman in your life isn’t just to help ease your sexual tension but to lighten the burden of your mind. The more you talk to her, the more your mind drifts away from the urge to find release. Her presence will give you the opportunity of seeing how things can be between a man and a woman. If she is an understanding woman, she will help channel your attention and focus to your studies and the need for you to get out there and make the difference in your dreams to be great in life. It is also important you begin to define sex from another point of view. Enjoyable as the experience is, it is dangerous to make it the most important thing in your life. Its substance is amplified when given its due respect and placement. This is because it never goes away. It is one thing that stays on through life. If you begin now to apply all your time and energy on something that would stay with you throughout your journey in life, what energy would you use in future when most necessary? Importantly, life is about investing the right things because you get back what you invest. If you spend your very prime time thinking and masturbating, chances are that you may not get the actual value of what you are worth. At every point, remind yourself of the many regrets that come from people not being able to get to their heights. Good luck.

My pastor says my mother-in-law is a witch

With Agatha Edo , Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com , 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I have been married for eight years and have three daughters. Right from the very first day my husband took me home to his mother, she didn’t and has never liked me. I also didn’t feel any need to pretend about my feelings towards her. Because of this, she is determined that her son takes on another woman who is from their village. I know this because after my third daughter, my husband started to behave strangely. His mother didn’t bother to come to help me with the baby as she did with the first two children. Although my husband hasn’t said anything about bringing in the other woman but I went to see a pastor who said my inability to conceive since having my third daughter almost three years ago has to do with my mother-in-law whom he described as a witch. According to him, she is the reason I have been unable to conceive again. He said she didn’t want me to have a male child for her son hence has tied my womb up. He said I should never allow her sleep in my house again because each time she comes to stay, she always deposits some substances in the atmosphere in and around my home. I was so angry that the next time she came, I refused to allow her spend the night. Since my husband wasn’t home, it was easy for me. In the process of insisting that she doesn’t come into my home and resisting her attempts to sit down to wait for her son, my hand hit her. She knew it was an accident but she told my husband that I beat her up in addition to calling her a witch and being responsible for my inability to conceive after our third child. Because of this, my husband is asking I pack out of my home. I have tried pleading with everybody close to him to beg him but he remains adamant. Please help me. I don’t want to lose my home at all. I am willing to take back all I said if only to stop him from throwing me away and frustrating his mother’s dream of giving him another woman. I don’t have anyone to turn to. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, In the first place why would you prevent a mother from visiting her son and grandchildren? If she were a witch, would she allow you have children at all in that house? What kind of struggle did you get into with her that made your ‘accidental hitting’ appear like beating? How would you feel if your mother comes home with the story of your brother’s wife not allowing her into the house of her son? Even if you are responsible for the rent and up keep of the home, disallowing your mother-in-law into your home is the height of disrespect to your husband. No insult can be more grievous than struggling to prevent her from coming into your home. This woman had it within her powers to prevent your marriage to her son from the very first time he brought you home. If indeed she is a witch, she would have done anything possible to ensure the wedding never took place. That itself should have told you that fate and not her is responsible for your female children and that when the time comes for you to have a male child, you will. Our life is set in stages. Any attempt to hasten the conclusion of one stage, often than not, ends in a huge mess. No matter what your mother-in-law did to you, struggling with her not to come into her son’s house was very wrong. You don’t have any defense or excuse for what you did. The issue here is, can you struggle with your own mother the way you did with her? Can you tell your mother not to come into your house or tolerate a situation where your husband tells your mother not to come into his house? No matter what this pastor said to you concerning her, you should have applied wisdom in handling the matter. Besides, all the while you have been married to her son, how many times has she brought another woman into your house to introduce as your husband’s second wife? Mothers who are serious about their sons taking another wife usually take it upon themselves to source and marry another woman for their sons. Allowing you to stay in her son’s house eight years without attempting to physically force you out points you more to your marital problems than your mother-in-law or husband. The truth of the matter is that you have been brainwashed yourself into believing that she doesn’t like you at all. The fact that you also have daughters makes you so apprehensive that you are willing to think the worse of your mother-in-law. She may not have come to help with your last child based on your attitude towards her. Her attitude towards you all these years may have been instigated by your own open antagonism towards her. Chances are if you made the effort of being friends with her, her attitude towards you may have thawed all these years. Whatever name she is called, she remains the mother of your husband who is the father of your children. There is no divorcing her presence from the life of your husband or your children for that matter. If she is a witch, it means your husband’s mother and your children’s grandmother is a witch. In one way or the other, you are related to a witch. Would you dare brand your mother a witch? So which approach is better; praying for her to have a change of heart or fighting her because she is a witch? Lets assume the pastor is correct that she is a witch; how would fighting her change her or prevent you from having a male child? If anything, you have simply compounded your case and given her a good reason to vacate you and bring the other woman, if there is any, into the house. When visions or prophecies are relayed; they are meant by God to help influence our attitude towards certain things or people. Wisdom demands that when these issues concern our family members, we tread with caution at all times. If your husband is ever going to listen to you, only his mother can make him change his mind about you. I appreciate it might be a little difficult getting her to listen to you but a lot depends on how desperate you are about keeping your home. Get people from your family to go first and apologise to your mother-in-law on your behalf. The agenda should not be to beg her to intervene on your behalf but to plead with her to forgive you. This is absolutely important so that your children will have a say in their father’s house. When a woman marries, she doesn’t marry the husband alone; rather she is married to everybody in the man’s family. You must learn to treat your mother-in-law with respect; the kind you show your mother. At all times, a woman must appreciate the woman who gave birth to the man she calls husband and love of her life. You should remember that there can never be your husband without this woman you loathe so much. Follow it up by going to her yourself with gifts items to make peace with her. Cry and do anything including sending her grandchildren to plead with her but, ensure she forgives you. This is because you need the platform to make peace with your husband. This should be in addition to praying to God for mercy. Once you are able to get the mother to even listen to you, it will be a lot easier to settle the rift in your home. There is no way your husband won’t listen to his mother’s plea that he takes you back. Good luck