Dear Agatha,
I am a girl of 24 years of age and a 400 Level undergraduate. I have been in a relationship with a man for four years. I really like him a lot despite all the problems we are having as a couple. He is a Muslim while I am of the Catholic faith. Initially, our religious differences didn’t present a problem to both of us until I informed my parents about his religion.
Recently, I met another man, though a Christian but not a Catholic. He is very mature prompting a deep likeness for him inside of me. His presence created problems with my first boyfriend as my love for him just fizzled out.
This new guy is ready for marriage, he is 34 year old, but I want to be a graduate and get a job before talking about marriage. I have a phobia for being a full-time housewife, not having a career, dependent on my spouse for everything. I have this feeling that the man would begin to misbehave if he is the only one paying all the bills. I have tried to convince him but he wants to be married between now and early next year.
Besides, I don’t know if his age would bother me, though he doesn’t carry it around him and I don’t know if I am making a mistake about him. Don’t get me wrong, we love each other, but I feel as if I am slowing him down and he is hasting me up in this quest for marriage.
Worried Lady.
Dear Worried Lady,
Marriage isn’t an institution you go into without adequate preparation or reasonable knowledge of the person you hope to spend the rest of your life with. To do that is to end up getting hurt and enduring a union which God intended you to enjoy.
What do you know about this man; his temperament, attitude, disposition as well as thinking to make you want to marry him? Besides, what do you understand by love in the first place? Isn’t his insistence that you both marry now an indication that both of you still need plenty of time to study each other? That you both don’t have the same desires? Frankly, it is a warning sign to both of you to tread softly in your quest to marry. For instance, marriage on his timetable means having children because at his age he seems to be under pressure to be like some of his mates who have settled and are having children. Whereas, at 24, your need appear very different from him. You want to finish your education, do your compulsory national service and have a job before thinking of getting married. Your dreams are world apart and unless you both have the zeal, confidence as well as honesty to face and address the challenges, the attendant frustration of following in your individual dreams would end up instigating the collapse of the union.
Having made up your mind that you can’t be a full-time housewife, any man who attempts to make you one would end up becoming your enemy after a while especially on those occasions he either denies you a request or behaves in a way you think is necessitated by your being a full-time housewife. In such an arrangement, you will never be completely happy, even if the man is faultless. The death of your childhood dream will always stand as the albatross of the union.
On the other hand, he too would never be absolutely happy if you keep him waiting because he has also worked himself into believing that marriage is now for him. From his stance, he clearly doesn’t have the patience and time to wait for you to do all those things you have lined up because his mind appears made up by the deep thirst he feels for matrimony.
Therefore both of you are dragging at the rope of your happiness at the opposing ends. Unless a sort of compromise is negotiated, one devoid of selfishness but with plenty of understanding as well as an attitude of enduring sacrifice, it would be very difficult for both of you to operate as a couple.
There is also the little concern of you being comfortable with the 10 years age gap between the two of you as well as the major matter of his presentation. There is no way you can hope to be proud of your husband or comfortable in his company if you have an issue with his age or appearance. Chances are you would begin to misbehave especially when a mischievous mind makes a reference to it. You have to first be at peace with the choice you have made to be able to defend it. Do you think you have what it takes to laugh and defend this age differences between the two of you?
So before you agree to his proposal and time, there is the need for both of you to iron out these grey areas with all the honesty they deserve to forestall the calamity that comes from a hasty and ill-thought out marriage proposal. Don’t allow him hasten you into a situation you are not prepared for even if you think you love him. Situations come up in marriage which love alone cannot sustain it.
More often than not, a crack in marriage needs more than the power of love to mend. Most times, it takes a determination fuelled by knowledge of what a marriage entails, acceptance of the choice one has made, and a thorough understanding of friendship to make it work. You must be absolutely comfortable with the choices before you to have an enduring marriage and sure of your feelings.
To be candid, you need time away from these two men to think clearly. There is no way you can think with the two of them hanging around you. This is one time you need to be alone to make a clear and viable choice for your future. And being alone means anchoring it on God through prayers. It would do you a world of good to trust God completely on this issue. Listen to what He tells you to do because you are also at your most vulnerable emotionally.
Good luck.
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