Will kindness to my stepdaughter help my childlessness?

Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am 49 years of age. I have been married for close to 19 years without a child. God blessed me with everything; I earn more than my husband, and own a house of my own.

Two years before I met and married my husband, a woman took in for him. He made it clear to the lady he wasn’t interested in marrying her so he took his child once she was a year old to live with his mother.

There were pressures on me from members of his family when we got married to take in the child but I declined, insisting she was too tender for me to bring into the house.

The truth is I didn’t want the added burden of looking after this child. My husband didn’t push and sensing my disposition towards the child, decided to leave her with his mother.

The child has been staying with his mother in the village since then. Sometime last year, she gave birth to a set of twins. The father of the babies denied paternity of the children claiming he wasn’t the only one she was sleeping with.

When she became pregnant, my mother-in-law called me privately to beg that she be allowed to come to stay with me; that she was in no position as a result of her old age to effect discipline.

I refused partly because she has become too wild for me. On the few occasions I visited the village with my husband, I didn’t like her comportment or the company she kept. Besides, she didn’t have any kind of regard for me.

I cannot stomach her for a minute under my roof.

Her father, at least, ensured he sent her money at the end of every month. Sometimes he took money from me to send her when he has nothing on him and she needed money.

Now my mother-in-law is very ill and the family is asking my husband to come for his child and grandchildren. To my surprise he is actually thinking of bringing home this girl and her children.

I really don’t know what to do at all. How I am going to cope with this lady and her children? Some friends of mine think I should insist he rents a place for them outside my home. What do you think? I am so confused about everything right now. My best friend thinks this is the perfect opportunity for me to make amends as well as have my own children. She says if I care for this girl and her children, God might have mercy on me and open my womb.

Please help me, as I don’t have too much time on my hands. How can I manage someone who appears to hate me with so much passion as the child does?

Labisi.


Dear Labisi,

You are one lucky woman because it isn’t everyone God gives a second chance to make amends. You have wronged this lady, your mother-in-law, your husband and those twins. If she were your biological daughter would you leave her in the village? Allow her to grow with her grandmother who is daily struggling with the challenges of aging to look after?

You honestly didn’t act like a woman looking up to God for the fruit of the womb. Those who told you, back then, to care for this girl as your own knew what they were talking about.

Deep down do you think if you cared for this child as your own she would be in this mess of early motherhood? There is no way this young lady would have had all the freedom to run after different men if she were living with you and her father.

No matter how well her grandmother intended to bring her up, the fact remains that she cannot do the job as effectively as you and her father would have done in managing and taming her wildness.

If she dislikes you, fails to accord you the respect you deserve as the wife to her father, it is because you let the gap opened. Since marrying the father, how much efforts have you put into winning her or her welfare for that matter? It isn’t enough loaning the father money to send to her when he hasn’t enough money on him; you would have made the difference in the life of this young lady had you taken time out to be a mother and friend to her.

What do you expect from a girl you and your husband abandoned when she needed parental care the most? If she dislikes you, it is only natural because she thinks you don’t like her at all and rightly blames you for her father’s neglect of her.

Don’t postpone it any longer. Go and bring them yourself. If you have children of your own, how do you intend caring for them? It is that same way you would care for this lady and her children. This is the time she needs you the most and time to reward the dedication of your husband who must be going through pressures from his family and friends to marry another woman following your inability to give him a child close to twenty years of marriage.

He must be a gentleman because another man would have since brought in his child whether you liked it or not.

Your husband may not out of love and concern for your feelings bring the child home but it isn’t the same thing as not wanting to be close to his daughter and grandchildren. This is his first child and for now his only one. The grandchildren may have come from the mistakes of his daughter but they remain his grandchildren.

Bringing them home is telling him you understand his feelings as a parent and your willingness to make him happy. Your friend is right, these children, if you really care for them, would definitely bring you luck. Not only would they fill the void in your life but also give you the opportunity of experiencing all the thrills of motherhood and granny at the same time.

The magic of these children in your home would instantly change the atmosphere around so much so you would forget the tension you feel at the end of every month when your cycle appears.

Once you are able to get over your inhibitions, disinterest in the affairs of your husband, you will find out that you have more to gain by bringing this child and her children to live with you.

There is nothing true love cannot cure. Her wildness and reactions to you would dramatically change if you prove to her that you have what it takes to be her mother and best friend.

At this point, what she really need is a friend. One who understands her fears, reservations and is willing to help manage her failures to success.

It may be odd for the first few months given the time and ill-feelings that have gone into your current relationship, but overtime things would change between you two. The secret is to take each day as it comes.

If you adopt a natural attitude, things would work out just fine between all of you, and your home would be happier than you have ever known it to be.


Good luck.