With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
How does one describe a woman who under the guise of going for a holiday abroad came back a different person? Since last year, I have heard stories of my wife of almost 25 years having affairs with boys of her sons’ ages.
You see Agatha, one gets to an age in life when one pretends not to notice or hear certain things. At 61, I have seen almost all the shades of life to be shocked. Between you and I, when these stories about my wife were coming, I at first didn’t believe them, but I began to suspect when she started behaving in strange manner. She was wearing clothes that left her behind exposed. I mean blouses that really didn’t cover her up.
I am 11 years older than she is. At 50, she still looked beautiful and appealing in the kind of way women blessed with good body usually is at that age.
Even when I thought they were right, I made up my mind to be fair to her. I too have had flings here and there. If she wanted to feel young, I figured, I should let her be. At my age, I was too experienced in the ways of men and women to bother myself with whatever she may have decided to do. Besides, it was the best way for me to handle my heart problem. I wasn’t ready to die over the decision of one woman, even if she is my wife to have a relationship outside our marriage. As far as she didn’t end up embarrassing me, kept it out of my sight and environs, I was ready to endure the marriage because as a wife and mother, she had really tried.
But not even my resolve to look the other way prepared me for the latest development. Sometimes, I wonder if women ever think or know the implications of their decisions. My wife travelled to United Kingdom to spend sometime with our daughter or so she said.
Six weeks, she came back looking 20 years younger courtesy of a dramatic plastic surgery she went for. She didn’t bother to inform me, ask for my opinion and permission before taking such a major decision.
From her action, it is obvious to me that what I think no longer matters means a lot. Although in front of her, people compliment her new looks, behind her they mock us. As a matter of fact, her children too are embarrassed by her decision and a few of my friends have asked me why I allowed her get away with it.
Sincerely, I have had it with her. I am really angry about everything and I am not impressed with her looks at all. Like her, I have also refused to discuss whatever she did to herself and refused to be seen together with her. I guess the reaction of the people around her must have gotten through to her because she no longer attends the family church, instead she now attends one of her friends’ church.
I hope you don’t regard my question as an insult, but what is it with you women? Why do women hurt the men who love them the most? What goes on in the mind of the average woman?
Although my mind is made up about my marriage, yet I can’t help wondering if you women think at all.
Roland.
Dear Roland,
Not at all. In the line of this job, I have learnt to understand the different feelings and emotions of everybody when going through one form of crisis or the other. I have become used to remarks like yours, so I am not offended. It is logical, given your recent experiences. You must be going through a cocktail of emotions, so looking for a woman to lash at.
For the first time, I don’t know how to handle this matter, but this calls for absolute patience because the issues are multi-dimensional. To help you arrive at the right decision, try to treat them individually. This way, you will be sure what precisely you are reacting to in this marriage.
You also have to factor in the years you have both spent together, especially those years when she was much younger and more attractive. In doing this, you must also take into considerations your own contributions to the person she has become.
Are you sure you didn’t help to make her the kind of woman she has become? In terms of attention and appreciation, how would you grade yourself?
While I am not trying to give her an easy berth, the truth remains that we unwittingly weaken or sharpen the resolve of our partners to become total strangers to us. If she is having affairs at the age both of you should be recapping on your life together, finding the emotional and mental equilibrium to advance into middle age, then something is very wrong in all the years you have spent together so far?
This is especially so if she has been faithful to you all these years. An old woman doesn’t learn new dance steps in her prime. Those women you were unfaithful with, how did they look? While you were in these relationships, how much time did you have for her and the children? Did you make her feel ugly, unwanted and unappreciated? Did you at any time bother about her sexual fantasies or just overrode her right of say? What kind of lover and husband were you? Were you a father and friend or a boss and tyrant? How did you bridge the gap of 11 years between the two of you?
A lot of times, we focus more on the mistakes, the end product of our collective actions over the years and not on the issues that gave birth to the challenges in the first place.
Honestly, there is no way she could have simply made up her mind in her old age to misbehave. Years of endurance, silent suffering and deprivation must have changed her to this little monster before you.
And this kind of problem doesn’t just go away. It isn’t by pretending you are matured about it or that you have seen all there are to see about life. No! It is about talking about it and reconciling your differences at the end of it all. Whatever you decide to do with the marriage, both of you must talk because you have too much at stake.
Given your ages, forget about what she has done to her body, nothing can change the age of the mind; you have both reached that delicate stages in your life when a lot of thoughts and considerations go into every decision taken. Unlike in the past, when you can afford the gamble of a wrong decision, you cannot do that now. From this point any resolution must factor in the interest of others as well as its implications on everyone especially the children and grandchildren.
Also you have to consider your own health. At this age, what can you do on your own without a woman in your life? Yes, paid helps can take care of domestic chores, but what about your emotions and other little details only a wife can do best?
Call her irrespective of whatever you think her accumulated sins are. To make the discourse fruitful, suppress whatever anger or disappointment you feel towards her. Like you rightly said, we get to a stage in life when things that were so important assume less significance. She may not have done the surgery for the sake of other men, but to get you to notice her after years of aching for it. By giving her the opportunity to pour out her heart, you make it easier for the both of you to subject your life together to proper scrutiny. Every marriage needs this kind of examination to help heal it from the effects of abuse we unwittingly subject our unions to. Many issues that come up in marriages are from taking each other for granted.
A lot of couples assume that once the dotted lines are signed, the marriage can run itself to success. Unless the same efforts, devotion, interest, love, respect and attention are invested in making a marriage work, it soon runs into problem of rust.
This kind of talk will also help you realise how you contributed to the problems you now blame her for. Importantly, it will help both of you realise in explicit terms the direction of the marriage.
There is nothing that heals a bad marriage like a frank talk. At this point, don’t hide anything from her, including the bit about her extra marital affairs. It is only after this kind of talk that you can make the right kind of decision, because your perspective becomes clearer and more profound.
If at the end of the day, there is something to salvage, don’t hesitate to give your marriage another chance. Like you admitted there is nothing strange any more about life that you haven’t seen.
It isn’t just women who hurt the ones they love. It is a human thing. We tend to take those we love so much for granted, that at the end of the day we end up hurting them unknowingly that we do those we are not so closed to.
The average woman lives for her children and husband. She therefore goes into frenzy when the man in the centre of her life ignores her. This is why you have to be sure of the motive of your wife before condemning her.
God will touch you both where you each need Him the most.
Good luck.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Can’t he do without extramarital deals?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My husband is having an affair. How do I stop him?
Worried Wife.
Dear Worried Wife,
It isn’t every time a man goes outside his home for an affair that he is to blame. In some cases, the wife at home unwittingly aids another woman to get the attention of her husband.
Admittedly some men are chronic womanisers, but a lot of these aches can be minimised by the amount of efforts the wife puts into making her home very comfortable for the man.
First you must work on your person and home before attempting to tackle the issue of the other woman in your husband’s life.
Although you didn’t say for how long you have been married, but a lot of women make the mistake of forgetting that men are not restricted by marriage from looking outside their homes as women are.
This is why every married woman must from time to time make every effort to ensure her husband’s reason for marrying her remains fresh. The moment a woman allows herself to be distracted from her reason for being a wife to her husband, she leaves her flanks opened for invasion by another woman.
Therefore, before you battle your husband, how would you grade yourself as a woman in his life? Do you still excite him as you did before you tied the knots? Are you still sensual, taking special care of yourself in terms of your clothes and personal appearance? Do you still make his heartbeat by your choice of clothes, hairdo as well as all those extra bits that make you a woman? Can he still show you off with pride with the arrogance of a man who knows he has one of the most special women by his side? Can you still remember what you looked like when you were still dating? Can you recognise that woman in your current form?
Were you to assess yourself through the eyes of your husband and give an honest answer, how would you rate yourself? Honestly, once you are determined to be truthful to yourself, you will begin to understand some of the things that are wrong with your marriage, and more importantly, his reasons for drifting. Although not an excuse, but more often than not when the mind is desirous of something, it needs just a little bit of help from a potential source to make it happen.
The joy of every man is to have a woman he can put on display at all times. Even though many men make the show of not wanting their wives to dress in a particular way, the irony of life is, that same dress they don’t want on their wives, is the same one they appreciate in other women.
Take time out to think of those things he particularly liked about you, complimented you for when he was still trying to engage your interest in him. Make the attempt to recover those things. It will help re-engineer his interest in you, bring him back to you without fighting the other woman or him for that matter.
Your performance as his woman may be just right, but as a wife, how would you score yourself? How well do you understand the needs of the man you call your husband? This is often the reason some men give for going into other relationships. When a man doesn’t get the kind of attention from his wife, feels displaced by children or make to feel like an intruder in the life of his wife, he goes in search for the woman who would shower all her attention on him. Unfortunately, the woman outside knows this, hence puts in the time the woman at home cannot deposit in her marriage. She also invests the extra energy as well as innovations into everything she does for her man-friend to make her the better choice for him.
When a married woman finds herself in the kind of position you have found yourself, her best weapon to win her man over is to behave like the mistress. Fighting won’t stop both man and woman from continuing with their affair. As a matter of fact, it has the potentials of complicating things for her. Instead, she should create time and purpose for her home. Like the mistress, she should use her money and time effectively. This is precisely what you should do to get your man back.
There is the need for you to do a little bit of investigation on your rival. Get people to give you information about her; this way you will know how to marshal your plans. Having information will give you an idea into her person. This way, you will be better guided in how you can neutralise her powers over your husband, not by fighting her, but knowing where to channel your energy in the quest to getting your husband back.
From experience, there is always something to learn from the other woman. It could just be a simple matter of her temperament or attitude. Definitely, there is something the other woman always has which the woman at home lacks. This is what a wise woman looks for instead of picking a needless fight with her husband’s mistress.
Allow that woman to be your mirror of reform. You need her to win your husband over. There is always a blessing behind every disappointment. I know you are in pains of betrayal by your husband, but only a well thought out wisdom filled package can replace that pain with joy.
If you are the kind that nags, is not so particular about his food or home, has little time to discuss or listen to him, it is important you change. Befriend him all over again, ask him questions about his work, interest and health. Generate discussion about anything you know interests him, if possible key yourself into that hobby he cannot do without, just to make yourself relevant to him all over again.
You have to get through to him first before trying to change him or stop him from doing what he is currently engaged in. It is more a battle for his conscience.
By making yourself appear completely at his beck and call, you increasingly make it difficult for the other woman to have nothing to hold on to. If you have children, let them go and stay with a friend or relative for the weekend if you cannot afford to take your husband out. Ensure such a weekend is filled with ideas of how to re-invent your marriage. Woo him with your body, mind and soul. Bear in mind that your mission is to recover your marriage hence every hurt and pains you feel, knowing out there is another woman in his life, should be crushed. As long as you are determined that no woman is worth you giving up your husband and home for, you will at the end of the day smile.
It is only after you have done all these, won him over that you can bring up the issue of the other woman. By the time you are discussing her with him, she would have long become history in his life. So the tension often associated with confronting an unfaithful husband wouldn’t be there. You will both be discussing the issue as friends, who are determined to cherish what they have found irrespective of what life throws at them.
In addition, make all the efforts to become his best friend. The good thing about being friends with your spouse is the open door of communication it offers to you as the wife. When a woman is her husband’s best friend, she enjoys a special place, her position as wife doesn’t offer her in her husband’s life. As a friend, the husband will tell her things he would never dare share with his wife. It takes both the grace of God and a deliberate effort on the part of the woman to be her husband’s best friend. No matter what this man does to you, refuse to be irritated instead, ask for the grace of God to defeat the problem.
Once your husband begins to notice changes in you behaviour, he will come back home to you. Every marriage must go through certain challenges to build its character. The different results we get during our time of trials are the issues we play up as well as our reactions while the situation persists.
Bath him with love and attention more than you ordinarily would. You need to now more than ever before because only love has the power to buy back a man who has found comfort in the arms of another woman. Any little mistake on your part is capable of making him stay in his new comfort zone forever. So be careful you don’t give in to your natural urge to be confrontational.
Above all, learn to pray and be mindful of who you discuss your home with. God remains man’s best friend.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My husband is having an affair. How do I stop him?
Worried Wife.
Dear Worried Wife,
It isn’t every time a man goes outside his home for an affair that he is to blame. In some cases, the wife at home unwittingly aids another woman to get the attention of her husband.
Admittedly some men are chronic womanisers, but a lot of these aches can be minimised by the amount of efforts the wife puts into making her home very comfortable for the man.
First you must work on your person and home before attempting to tackle the issue of the other woman in your husband’s life.
Although you didn’t say for how long you have been married, but a lot of women make the mistake of forgetting that men are not restricted by marriage from looking outside their homes as women are.
This is why every married woman must from time to time make every effort to ensure her husband’s reason for marrying her remains fresh. The moment a woman allows herself to be distracted from her reason for being a wife to her husband, she leaves her flanks opened for invasion by another woman.
Therefore, before you battle your husband, how would you grade yourself as a woman in his life? Do you still excite him as you did before you tied the knots? Are you still sensual, taking special care of yourself in terms of your clothes and personal appearance? Do you still make his heartbeat by your choice of clothes, hairdo as well as all those extra bits that make you a woman? Can he still show you off with pride with the arrogance of a man who knows he has one of the most special women by his side? Can you still remember what you looked like when you were still dating? Can you recognise that woman in your current form?
Were you to assess yourself through the eyes of your husband and give an honest answer, how would you rate yourself? Honestly, once you are determined to be truthful to yourself, you will begin to understand some of the things that are wrong with your marriage, and more importantly, his reasons for drifting. Although not an excuse, but more often than not when the mind is desirous of something, it needs just a little bit of help from a potential source to make it happen.
The joy of every man is to have a woman he can put on display at all times. Even though many men make the show of not wanting their wives to dress in a particular way, the irony of life is, that same dress they don’t want on their wives, is the same one they appreciate in other women.
Take time out to think of those things he particularly liked about you, complimented you for when he was still trying to engage your interest in him. Make the attempt to recover those things. It will help re-engineer his interest in you, bring him back to you without fighting the other woman or him for that matter.
Your performance as his woman may be just right, but as a wife, how would you score yourself? How well do you understand the needs of the man you call your husband? This is often the reason some men give for going into other relationships. When a man doesn’t get the kind of attention from his wife, feels displaced by children or make to feel like an intruder in the life of his wife, he goes in search for the woman who would shower all her attention on him. Unfortunately, the woman outside knows this, hence puts in the time the woman at home cannot deposit in her marriage. She also invests the extra energy as well as innovations into everything she does for her man-friend to make her the better choice for him.
When a married woman finds herself in the kind of position you have found yourself, her best weapon to win her man over is to behave like the mistress. Fighting won’t stop both man and woman from continuing with their affair. As a matter of fact, it has the potentials of complicating things for her. Instead, she should create time and purpose for her home. Like the mistress, she should use her money and time effectively. This is precisely what you should do to get your man back.
There is the need for you to do a little bit of investigation on your rival. Get people to give you information about her; this way you will know how to marshal your plans. Having information will give you an idea into her person. This way, you will be better guided in how you can neutralise her powers over your husband, not by fighting her, but knowing where to channel your energy in the quest to getting your husband back.
From experience, there is always something to learn from the other woman. It could just be a simple matter of her temperament or attitude. Definitely, there is something the other woman always has which the woman at home lacks. This is what a wise woman looks for instead of picking a needless fight with her husband’s mistress.
Allow that woman to be your mirror of reform. You need her to win your husband over. There is always a blessing behind every disappointment. I know you are in pains of betrayal by your husband, but only a well thought out wisdom filled package can replace that pain with joy.
If you are the kind that nags, is not so particular about his food or home, has little time to discuss or listen to him, it is important you change. Befriend him all over again, ask him questions about his work, interest and health. Generate discussion about anything you know interests him, if possible key yourself into that hobby he cannot do without, just to make yourself relevant to him all over again.
You have to get through to him first before trying to change him or stop him from doing what he is currently engaged in. It is more a battle for his conscience.
By making yourself appear completely at his beck and call, you increasingly make it difficult for the other woman to have nothing to hold on to. If you have children, let them go and stay with a friend or relative for the weekend if you cannot afford to take your husband out. Ensure such a weekend is filled with ideas of how to re-invent your marriage. Woo him with your body, mind and soul. Bear in mind that your mission is to recover your marriage hence every hurt and pains you feel, knowing out there is another woman in his life, should be crushed. As long as you are determined that no woman is worth you giving up your husband and home for, you will at the end of the day smile.
It is only after you have done all these, won him over that you can bring up the issue of the other woman. By the time you are discussing her with him, she would have long become history in his life. So the tension often associated with confronting an unfaithful husband wouldn’t be there. You will both be discussing the issue as friends, who are determined to cherish what they have found irrespective of what life throws at them.
In addition, make all the efforts to become his best friend. The good thing about being friends with your spouse is the open door of communication it offers to you as the wife. When a woman is her husband’s best friend, she enjoys a special place, her position as wife doesn’t offer her in her husband’s life. As a friend, the husband will tell her things he would never dare share with his wife. It takes both the grace of God and a deliberate effort on the part of the woman to be her husband’s best friend. No matter what this man does to you, refuse to be irritated instead, ask for the grace of God to defeat the problem.
Once your husband begins to notice changes in you behaviour, he will come back home to you. Every marriage must go through certain challenges to build its character. The different results we get during our time of trials are the issues we play up as well as our reactions while the situation persists.
Bath him with love and attention more than you ordinarily would. You need to now more than ever before because only love has the power to buy back a man who has found comfort in the arms of another woman. Any little mistake on your part is capable of making him stay in his new comfort zone forever. So be careful you don’t give in to your natural urge to be confrontational.
Above all, learn to pray and be mindful of who you discuss your home with. God remains man’s best friend.
Good luck.
Her penchant for costly lifestyle may end the union…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am one of those affected by the Sanusi banking reforms. I lost my bank job three years ago. I was however given a tidy sum as gratuity, which I quickly invested in the completion of our property and fishery business.
By the grace of God, the business is thriving, which means I am able to meet my obligations to my family. However, certain things like
annual holidays abroad, changing of cars, and attending expensive parties with their attendant uniform (••••aso ebi••, as Yoruba people call it) buying are out of my budget.
To get the cooperation of everybody at home, I called a family meeting
when the money was paid into my account. My children, three of them are all in private and expensive schools in the country. The reason I called them was for them to appreciate my current financial constraints.
They all agreed with me when I mentioned my decision to complete the construction of our home at Magboro, along Lagos Ibadan Expressway. My children were very understanding and promised not to make unnecessary demands on me.
True to their words, they hardly make any. They have been very supportive, always asking after my business and finding ways of helping me grow it. As a matter of fact, my son and daughter spent their holidays in a fish farm to acquire the skill and knowledge to grow better breeds. I was touched by their decision because they didn’t ask me for money for the training, rather they saved their pockets money to fund it.
You can therefore imagine my pains, disappointment and wonder at the attitude of their mother who determined to make my life a living hell.
My wife, who should be my backbone and partner in life, has refused to adjust lifestyle to allow our new means of survival. She almost didn’t want to relocate from Victoria
Island, where we were living to our house. She said it was too remote and too far from all her friends.
It wasn’t until the children and I threatened to leave her in the house that she agreed to come with us.
She expects me to use the money I made from my business to finance her parties, ‘aso ebi’ (uniform), outings and holidays abroad. My attempts to make her see reasons saw her packing out of the house to stay with one of her friends, who since I knew her has always laid claims to a husband who stays abroad. Although I have met her in the company of other men, I pretend not to know the kind of job she does.
I have severally tried to warn my wife to stay away from her, but she won’t listen. This is the woman she is now having as best friends.
The children too have tried to appeal to her to bear with me, but everyday my wife is changing for the worse. Although she agreed to come home last week but I suspect that it is only for a while that she has already made up her mind about the marriage.
I came to this conclusion when she told me that there was no way she could change her lifestyle to make me happy, that going to parties is part of her life.
I tried to get her mother to intervene but the mother too is obstinate. She said it was selfish and unreasonable for me to think her daughter would feel comfortable living where my house is when she has lived all her life as Shitta woman, the heart of Surulere. She said, I should sell my house and get myself a comfortable place on the Island. She also complained that I haven’t bought her any new clothes or trinkets since I left the bank. Like my wife, she said her car too needed a replacement. Admitted, I haven’t been able to meet all the obligations I hitherto oblige her because I am growing my business. I am still using my old cars and they are working well.
I dare not tell my parents who never liked her and her lifestyle from the very day I married her. My parents are of the opinion that she is responsible for my lack of marked progress despite the years I spent in the bank and with the position I got to before I was asked to go.
One of the conditions she is giving is that I should buy her a new car.
Agatha, I am fed up. But for my friend who insisted years back I buy the three plots of land that now houses my home and business, I am not sure I would have left the bank with anything tangible.
Our marriage is 17 years old. I am too confused to think straight.
Gbenga.
Dear Gbenga,
Calm down to avoid courting a health problem that might leave you with expensive medical bills.
There is nothing strange under the sun. The worst that can happen is her walking out of the marriage. If this happens, you won’t be the first man to lose his wife to a better social life or the last. One of you has to think of the welfare of the children. You are lucky the children are understanding and are ready to give you all the support to succeed in your new life. You owe it to these wonderful children to make something positive out of the situation you have found yourself.
There is always a calm after every storm. At this juncture, just thank
God that you have this place to begin life all over again. If you care to look around you, not everybody who left the bank with you has your fall back plan. Some have only their memories of once-upon-a time to live on.
Allow your wife and her mother to make their choice. If your wife thinks your current lifestyle is one she cannot bring herself to conform to grant her the freedom to try someone else. It appears that her mind is made up. Frankly, there is nothing you say or do now that will make her change her mind especially as she has the backing of her mother. It would have been a different kettle of fish if she lacked
the support of her mother. It would have been easy for you to win her back if she were alone in her desires.
It is obvious that your mother-in-law rather than your wife’s friends
is the real problem here. Your wife is who she is because her mother has made her so and is still influencing her to be the daughter she groomed. It isn’t something that started today. Right from the day, you married your wife, your mother-in-law her been in charge of your home through her daughter. It would be hard for you to make your wife see reasons with a mother like that. There is no way she would ever change to support you in the way a wife should. Even if she wanted to, her mother will never allow her have the peace of mind to.
Sincerely, you caused it. If you hadn’t indulged them all these years, her mother won’t be making these demands on you. The time has come for you to act as a man; make it clear to your wife that you have had
enough of having her mother dictate to you how you spend your money.
Make her realize she has a choice to come back home to help you give them all a good life within your means or cave in to the pressures of her mother.
It is very unfortunate, but to try to force her to stay with you is to
end up with a very miserable home. She has made it as clear to you as
possible that her reasons for marrying you aren’t the same with yours.
She wants the bright and colourful side of life which only your
banking job can finance.
But to leave you blameless, ask her, which is important to her, the welfare of the children whose future will be affected if you pull out the kind of money required to buy a new car from your business or her mad desire to be at par with her circle of friends? This is to ensure
you are clear about her demands as well as have something to refer her back to when that time comes in the future when she realizes her mistake.
When things get to this point in a marriage, it is always best to be realistic. If she wants to continue, let her know it won’t be on her terms. That even if you have the money to buy a new car, you would rather invest in growing your business until it can run itself.
Don’t be afraid to make your stance known to your mother-in-law and
wife. Be rest assured that whatever will be will be. Turn more to God for His help and assistance to make things happen in your life.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am one of those affected by the Sanusi banking reforms. I lost my bank job three years ago. I was however given a tidy sum as gratuity, which I quickly invested in the completion of our property and fishery business.
By the grace of God, the business is thriving, which means I am able to meet my obligations to my family. However, certain things like
annual holidays abroad, changing of cars, and attending expensive parties with their attendant uniform (••••aso ebi••, as Yoruba people call it) buying are out of my budget.
To get the cooperation of everybody at home, I called a family meeting
when the money was paid into my account. My children, three of them are all in private and expensive schools in the country. The reason I called them was for them to appreciate my current financial constraints.
They all agreed with me when I mentioned my decision to complete the construction of our home at Magboro, along Lagos Ibadan Expressway. My children were very understanding and promised not to make unnecessary demands on me.
True to their words, they hardly make any. They have been very supportive, always asking after my business and finding ways of helping me grow it. As a matter of fact, my son and daughter spent their holidays in a fish farm to acquire the skill and knowledge to grow better breeds. I was touched by their decision because they didn’t ask me for money for the training, rather they saved their pockets money to fund it.
You can therefore imagine my pains, disappointment and wonder at the attitude of their mother who determined to make my life a living hell.
My wife, who should be my backbone and partner in life, has refused to adjust lifestyle to allow our new means of survival. She almost didn’t want to relocate from Victoria
Island, where we were living to our house. She said it was too remote and too far from all her friends.
It wasn’t until the children and I threatened to leave her in the house that she agreed to come with us.
She expects me to use the money I made from my business to finance her parties, ‘aso ebi’ (uniform), outings and holidays abroad. My attempts to make her see reasons saw her packing out of the house to stay with one of her friends, who since I knew her has always laid claims to a husband who stays abroad. Although I have met her in the company of other men, I pretend not to know the kind of job she does.
I have severally tried to warn my wife to stay away from her, but she won’t listen. This is the woman she is now having as best friends.
The children too have tried to appeal to her to bear with me, but everyday my wife is changing for the worse. Although she agreed to come home last week but I suspect that it is only for a while that she has already made up her mind about the marriage.
I came to this conclusion when she told me that there was no way she could change her lifestyle to make me happy, that going to parties is part of her life.
I tried to get her mother to intervene but the mother too is obstinate. She said it was selfish and unreasonable for me to think her daughter would feel comfortable living where my house is when she has lived all her life as Shitta woman, the heart of Surulere. She said, I should sell my house and get myself a comfortable place on the Island. She also complained that I haven’t bought her any new clothes or trinkets since I left the bank. Like my wife, she said her car too needed a replacement. Admitted, I haven’t been able to meet all the obligations I hitherto oblige her because I am growing my business. I am still using my old cars and they are working well.
I dare not tell my parents who never liked her and her lifestyle from the very day I married her. My parents are of the opinion that she is responsible for my lack of marked progress despite the years I spent in the bank and with the position I got to before I was asked to go.
One of the conditions she is giving is that I should buy her a new car.
Agatha, I am fed up. But for my friend who insisted years back I buy the three plots of land that now houses my home and business, I am not sure I would have left the bank with anything tangible.
Our marriage is 17 years old. I am too confused to think straight.
Gbenga.
Dear Gbenga,
Calm down to avoid courting a health problem that might leave you with expensive medical bills.
There is nothing strange under the sun. The worst that can happen is her walking out of the marriage. If this happens, you won’t be the first man to lose his wife to a better social life or the last. One of you has to think of the welfare of the children. You are lucky the children are understanding and are ready to give you all the support to succeed in your new life. You owe it to these wonderful children to make something positive out of the situation you have found yourself.
There is always a calm after every storm. At this juncture, just thank
God that you have this place to begin life all over again. If you care to look around you, not everybody who left the bank with you has your fall back plan. Some have only their memories of once-upon-a time to live on.
Allow your wife and her mother to make their choice. If your wife thinks your current lifestyle is one she cannot bring herself to conform to grant her the freedom to try someone else. It appears that her mind is made up. Frankly, there is nothing you say or do now that will make her change her mind especially as she has the backing of her mother. It would have been a different kettle of fish if she lacked
the support of her mother. It would have been easy for you to win her back if she were alone in her desires.
It is obvious that your mother-in-law rather than your wife’s friends
is the real problem here. Your wife is who she is because her mother has made her so and is still influencing her to be the daughter she groomed. It isn’t something that started today. Right from the day, you married your wife, your mother-in-law her been in charge of your home through her daughter. It would be hard for you to make your wife see reasons with a mother like that. There is no way she would ever change to support you in the way a wife should. Even if she wanted to, her mother will never allow her have the peace of mind to.
Sincerely, you caused it. If you hadn’t indulged them all these years, her mother won’t be making these demands on you. The time has come for you to act as a man; make it clear to your wife that you have had
enough of having her mother dictate to you how you spend your money.
Make her realize she has a choice to come back home to help you give them all a good life within your means or cave in to the pressures of her mother.
It is very unfortunate, but to try to force her to stay with you is to
end up with a very miserable home. She has made it as clear to you as
possible that her reasons for marrying you aren’t the same with yours.
She wants the bright and colourful side of life which only your
banking job can finance.
But to leave you blameless, ask her, which is important to her, the welfare of the children whose future will be affected if you pull out the kind of money required to buy a new car from your business or her mad desire to be at par with her circle of friends? This is to ensure
you are clear about her demands as well as have something to refer her back to when that time comes in the future when she realizes her mistake.
When things get to this point in a marriage, it is always best to be realistic. If she wants to continue, let her know it won’t be on her terms. That even if you have the money to buy a new car, you would rather invest in growing your business until it can run itself.
Don’t be afraid to make your stance known to your mother-in-law and
wife. Be rest assured that whatever will be will be. Turn more to God for His help and assistance to make things happen in your life.
Good luck.
Rejecting my hubby’s idea of adoption, my undoing
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 48 years old while my husband is going to be 55 next month. We have been married for almost 20 years without a child. There is nothing we have not done to have one.
Despite all the assurances that there is nothing wrong with either of us medically, we still don’t have a child to show for our union.
About 10 years ago, my husband begged me to allow us adopt a child, but I refused. I was bitter and very angry because in my mind, I thought it meant he had given up on my ability to have a child. I was also concerned that it would mean I was the one with the problem so I rejected the idea.
Two years after that, he also made attempts to bring in his late brother’s only child and son who is nine years, whose parents died in an accident, I also refused. After that, he didn’t attempt it again.
Deep down I was determined he won’t make a mockery of me. So I resisted every move he made to adopt or bring a child home.
Recently, my monthly flow stopped suddenly. When I told the doctor, he said it was normal but that we should observe it for sometime before any test can be carried out. In addition, I started experiencing this irritating hotness inside of me. I became very uncomfortable as the heat coming from inside of me became worse. No matter how effective the air conditioner is, I would still break out in sweat beads.
By the time I went back to the doctor, it was obvious I was experiencing all the signs of menopause. I was sad because it meant I wouldn’t be able to have a child.
When I told my husband what the doctor said, he didn’t say anything beyond it being a natural thing.
Three months after, I approached him to discuss the issue of our adopting a child; but to my surprise he told me he was no longer interested. He said at the time he wanted it, I didn’t show any interest.
Four weeks after that discussion, his elder sister came to the house with two little children she introduced as belonging to my husband. From their ages, I guessed they were less than six years old.
Looking back, I noticed, it was about the same time my husband’s family stopped harassing me for a child.
When I confronted him about the children, he didn’t bother to deny it instead, he said I was to blame. That had I agreed to his suggestion to adopt or allow the only child of his late brother come to live with us, he would have stood by me all the way.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, my husband and his family want the mother of his children to move in with us.
I feel used and dumped by my in-laws. Although I have briefed my lawyers about the move by my in-laws, I want your opinion on how best to handle this matter. There is no way I would allow another woman into the house I supported my husband to build simply because I don’t have a child. Is it my fault that I cannot have a child?
Furthermore, I intend asking the courts to insist on a DNA for the children because I don’t think they are my husband’s. If I haven’t been able to conceive for him all these years, how come he is able to father children from another woman?
Iyinu.
Dear Iyinu,
Since he is fit just as you are medically there is nothing stopping him getting another woman pregnant. The problem may just be with the two of you as a couple. Sometimes, nature takes a decision, which no one can explain.
Therefore, your intention to begin a legal battle against the paternity of his children would be needless, a pure exercise in futility. At any rate, your husband who should be the one querying the paternity of the children is sure he is their father. On what basis do you want to go to court? Even if you have all the legal grounds in the world to do so, if your husband comes to court to oppose you and to insist that he knows the children are not his biologically but, decided to adopt them when you refused him the joy of adoption, what are you going to do?
Whether you like it or not, these children are a reality you must learn to accept if you intend continuing with this marriage.
Children are the circle of life. Without them, no adult is ever complete. Your husband, unlike most men, offered you the chance to become a mother by suggesting adoption, which you turned down. Destiny offered you another chance when it provided you the chance of looking after the son of your late brother-in-law who died with his wife in an accident.
Even if you didn’t want to adopt a stranger, what stopped you from agreeing to take this child into your home and live? Even if you had children of your own, the welfare of this child should be your business. God was looking for ways to bless you but you threw your chances away.
There is no way you would have looked after this boy or an abandoned child without God showing you mercy. Your coldness at the rejection of his orphaned nephew must have made your husband to think twice. Ordinarily, as the woman, you should have been the one insisting the boy comes to stay with you.
If you lacked the motherly love to offer an orphan, with what love would you look after your own? Therefore, if you go to court to contest the paternity of your stepchildren, you will only be confirming the fears of your husband about you. No normal woman, no matter how bitter against the world, rejects a needy child.
That you were capable of looking the other way when this child became an orphan underscores your lack of maternal feelings whatsoever.
The fact that you haven’t been able to have your own child doesn’t mean you cannot be happy and fulfilled as a woman. All you have to do is open your heart and allow the sensation of love in.
Given your account, you left your husband with no choice but to do what he did. It would have been a different matter if he didn’t make any attempt to provide you both with an alternative to the challenge you were having in your marriage.
You were too blinded by your resolve not to be potrayed as the one with the fault; you completely ignored his needs and wishes too. By refusing to factor him into your plans, you left your home opened to another woman.
If there is anyone to be blamed for this whole mess, you are. You were selfish, unreasonable and blinded by your own challenges to care about the man whose life too was also involved.
You acted as if you were the only one in the marriage. You forgot marriage is a partnership, one that requires compromises, selflessness, compassion and understanding to nurture. Your husband was crying for help and understanding but you refused to listen to him.
Sincerely, you will end up destroying whatever little chance you have with your husband if you take any legal step.
What you should do is to sit him down for a discussion. No matter how bad a situation appears to be, it can always be redeemed once there is sincerity of purpose.
You can still change his mind about bringing the other woman into the same house as you. All it takes is a complete change of attitude by you. Be happy for him, open your heart to the children. Apologise for the mistakes you made in the past and ask for his support to have a child of your own through adoption. If you can, try to see how you can make peace with his nephew by bringing him home. No matter how hostile your in-laws are, there will be one person who has a soft spot for you. Approach that person for help.
What your husband needs is to see a change in your attitude to trust you again. You have hurt him too much. Be part of his life, dreams and happiness. It isn’t too much to give a man you have spent 20 years of your life with.
In addition, don’t be far away from God.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 48 years old while my husband is going to be 55 next month. We have been married for almost 20 years without a child. There is nothing we have not done to have one.
Despite all the assurances that there is nothing wrong with either of us medically, we still don’t have a child to show for our union.
About 10 years ago, my husband begged me to allow us adopt a child, but I refused. I was bitter and very angry because in my mind, I thought it meant he had given up on my ability to have a child. I was also concerned that it would mean I was the one with the problem so I rejected the idea.
Two years after that, he also made attempts to bring in his late brother’s only child and son who is nine years, whose parents died in an accident, I also refused. After that, he didn’t attempt it again.
Deep down I was determined he won’t make a mockery of me. So I resisted every move he made to adopt or bring a child home.
Recently, my monthly flow stopped suddenly. When I told the doctor, he said it was normal but that we should observe it for sometime before any test can be carried out. In addition, I started experiencing this irritating hotness inside of me. I became very uncomfortable as the heat coming from inside of me became worse. No matter how effective the air conditioner is, I would still break out in sweat beads.
By the time I went back to the doctor, it was obvious I was experiencing all the signs of menopause. I was sad because it meant I wouldn’t be able to have a child.
When I told my husband what the doctor said, he didn’t say anything beyond it being a natural thing.
Three months after, I approached him to discuss the issue of our adopting a child; but to my surprise he told me he was no longer interested. He said at the time he wanted it, I didn’t show any interest.
Four weeks after that discussion, his elder sister came to the house with two little children she introduced as belonging to my husband. From their ages, I guessed they were less than six years old.
Looking back, I noticed, it was about the same time my husband’s family stopped harassing me for a child.
When I confronted him about the children, he didn’t bother to deny it instead, he said I was to blame. That had I agreed to his suggestion to adopt or allow the only child of his late brother come to live with us, he would have stood by me all the way.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, my husband and his family want the mother of his children to move in with us.
I feel used and dumped by my in-laws. Although I have briefed my lawyers about the move by my in-laws, I want your opinion on how best to handle this matter. There is no way I would allow another woman into the house I supported my husband to build simply because I don’t have a child. Is it my fault that I cannot have a child?
Furthermore, I intend asking the courts to insist on a DNA for the children because I don’t think they are my husband’s. If I haven’t been able to conceive for him all these years, how come he is able to father children from another woman?
Iyinu.
Dear Iyinu,
Since he is fit just as you are medically there is nothing stopping him getting another woman pregnant. The problem may just be with the two of you as a couple. Sometimes, nature takes a decision, which no one can explain.
Therefore, your intention to begin a legal battle against the paternity of his children would be needless, a pure exercise in futility. At any rate, your husband who should be the one querying the paternity of the children is sure he is their father. On what basis do you want to go to court? Even if you have all the legal grounds in the world to do so, if your husband comes to court to oppose you and to insist that he knows the children are not his biologically but, decided to adopt them when you refused him the joy of adoption, what are you going to do?
Whether you like it or not, these children are a reality you must learn to accept if you intend continuing with this marriage.
Children are the circle of life. Without them, no adult is ever complete. Your husband, unlike most men, offered you the chance to become a mother by suggesting adoption, which you turned down. Destiny offered you another chance when it provided you the chance of looking after the son of your late brother-in-law who died with his wife in an accident.
Even if you didn’t want to adopt a stranger, what stopped you from agreeing to take this child into your home and live? Even if you had children of your own, the welfare of this child should be your business. God was looking for ways to bless you but you threw your chances away.
There is no way you would have looked after this boy or an abandoned child without God showing you mercy. Your coldness at the rejection of his orphaned nephew must have made your husband to think twice. Ordinarily, as the woman, you should have been the one insisting the boy comes to stay with you.
If you lacked the motherly love to offer an orphan, with what love would you look after your own? Therefore, if you go to court to contest the paternity of your stepchildren, you will only be confirming the fears of your husband about you. No normal woman, no matter how bitter against the world, rejects a needy child.
That you were capable of looking the other way when this child became an orphan underscores your lack of maternal feelings whatsoever.
The fact that you haven’t been able to have your own child doesn’t mean you cannot be happy and fulfilled as a woman. All you have to do is open your heart and allow the sensation of love in.
Given your account, you left your husband with no choice but to do what he did. It would have been a different matter if he didn’t make any attempt to provide you both with an alternative to the challenge you were having in your marriage.
You were too blinded by your resolve not to be potrayed as the one with the fault; you completely ignored his needs and wishes too. By refusing to factor him into your plans, you left your home opened to another woman.
If there is anyone to be blamed for this whole mess, you are. You were selfish, unreasonable and blinded by your own challenges to care about the man whose life too was also involved.
You acted as if you were the only one in the marriage. You forgot marriage is a partnership, one that requires compromises, selflessness, compassion and understanding to nurture. Your husband was crying for help and understanding but you refused to listen to him.
Sincerely, you will end up destroying whatever little chance you have with your husband if you take any legal step.
What you should do is to sit him down for a discussion. No matter how bad a situation appears to be, it can always be redeemed once there is sincerity of purpose.
You can still change his mind about bringing the other woman into the same house as you. All it takes is a complete change of attitude by you. Be happy for him, open your heart to the children. Apologise for the mistakes you made in the past and ask for his support to have a child of your own through adoption. If you can, try to see how you can make peace with his nephew by bringing him home. No matter how hostile your in-laws are, there will be one person who has a soft spot for you. Approach that person for help.
What your husband needs is to see a change in your attitude to trust you again. You have hurt him too much. Be part of his life, dreams and happiness. It isn’t too much to give a man you have spent 20 years of your life with.
In addition, don’t be far away from God.
Good luck.
He attempted suicide after he raped his daughter
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a challening issue on my hands. It has to do with my stepdaughter and my ex-husband.
The mother of my stepdaughter is alive, but she is the kind that has little or no time for her children, the reason her children and I are very close in the first place.
By the time I met and married my ex, she was long gone so I didn’t get to meet her until about two years into my marriage. The day I met her, she came to fight me over what she described as attempts to steal her children from her.
When I came into the house, I discovered that the children were always left on their own. Their father was never around due to his job.
Being the first of over 18 children, I was used to caring for people. So it wasn’t too difficult winning them over. In no time, all three of them became my friends. The only girl and the first child of the family began to take extra efforts in her studies. With the help of the home teacher I got for her, she made her papers after her third attempt.
I didn’t bother her father about her fees and other money she would need to go to school. But I noticed the father wasn’t happy that she was leaving home for school. For days, he was moody, didn’t talk to me at all.
Unfortunately, I left him in our third year together because of his cruel nature. He would beat me at any given opportunity; made me miscarriage of our first baby. By the time I was pregnant the second time, I had no choice but to leave him when he began to beat me again.
Now the issue is, my stepdaughter whose fees I still pay, in addition to her brothers’, came to report that her father raped her when she came home for holidays.
According to her, it happened when he came back drunk and she was in her room. She said, she was too frightened to say anything, as he appeared capable of killing her. She said he kept calling out my name while raping her.
She said, he realised what he had done only after he finished and begged her to forgive him; that it will never happen again. The poor girl is threatening to go to the Police with the story while her father the morning after tried to poison himself. He is still on admission.
What do I do, Agatha? If I allow her to go to the Police, her father would be destroyed completely.
Grace.
Dear Grace,
Doubtless, this is knotty. The first thing to do is evacuate the children from that house. Whatever it will cost you, locate their mother and see if you can get her to see reasons with you. Don’t, for now tell her about the rape issue; allow her daughter make that decision of telling her mother or not.
Peg your argument on the welfare of the children and the need for her as their mother to show more interest in their welfare. Plead with her not to be too far from them even if it won’t be easy for her, to have them stay with her.
Thereafter, go and visit your ex husband in the hospital. Find out what is wrong with him; he obviously needs help. Even if there is no way both of you can come together again as a couple, the fact that you were once married and have a child between the two of you makes it imperative for you to do your best for the family.
Don’t forget that if anything happens to him, you will be left with the responsibility of caring for all the children. As it is, those children regard you more as their mother and father. For this reason, you must bury your own disappointments and pains to help these children have a sense of responsibility to their father.
To achieve this, call your stepdaughter to plead with her to allow the matter be. Tell her why you think the matter should be resolved internally. The fact that the father tried to kill himself after discovering what he did is in itself enough punishment. There is no judgment that would be as great as that.
Without him saying anything, he has already condemned himself; she would only be nailing the final nail on his coffin if she goes to the Police. In the interim, don’t allow her go to her father’s house alone. If she has to see him, find time to go with her.
But, your major work here is prayer. It seems there is a spiritual problem somewhere. You need to pray to be sure but your narration points to the presence of some strange powers determined to destroy this man forever. That power doesn’t want him to ever have a woman in his life or enjoy his children.
The fact that he was calling out your name while raping his daughter shows that he wasn’t in control of his senses. By the time he did, all he wanted to do was die of shame at what he had done.
You won’t be doing yourself and this man any good if you totally blank him out of your mind. He needs you in the same way his children do. there is hope that he can still change. The fact the he was calling out your name shows that he still cares.
After all, he is the father of your child which is perhaps the strongest reason for you to help him. go into prayers and fasting on his behalf. Once God takes charge, whatever power is involved in the destruction of your home will vacate it. Until then, do all you have to do to protect everyone.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a challening issue on my hands. It has to do with my stepdaughter and my ex-husband.
The mother of my stepdaughter is alive, but she is the kind that has little or no time for her children, the reason her children and I are very close in the first place.
By the time I met and married my ex, she was long gone so I didn’t get to meet her until about two years into my marriage. The day I met her, she came to fight me over what she described as attempts to steal her children from her.
When I came into the house, I discovered that the children were always left on their own. Their father was never around due to his job.
Being the first of over 18 children, I was used to caring for people. So it wasn’t too difficult winning them over. In no time, all three of them became my friends. The only girl and the first child of the family began to take extra efforts in her studies. With the help of the home teacher I got for her, she made her papers after her third attempt.
I didn’t bother her father about her fees and other money she would need to go to school. But I noticed the father wasn’t happy that she was leaving home for school. For days, he was moody, didn’t talk to me at all.
Unfortunately, I left him in our third year together because of his cruel nature. He would beat me at any given opportunity; made me miscarriage of our first baby. By the time I was pregnant the second time, I had no choice but to leave him when he began to beat me again.
Now the issue is, my stepdaughter whose fees I still pay, in addition to her brothers’, came to report that her father raped her when she came home for holidays.
According to her, it happened when he came back drunk and she was in her room. She said, she was too frightened to say anything, as he appeared capable of killing her. She said he kept calling out my name while raping her.
She said, he realised what he had done only after he finished and begged her to forgive him; that it will never happen again. The poor girl is threatening to go to the Police with the story while her father the morning after tried to poison himself. He is still on admission.
What do I do, Agatha? If I allow her to go to the Police, her father would be destroyed completely.
Grace.
Dear Grace,
Doubtless, this is knotty. The first thing to do is evacuate the children from that house. Whatever it will cost you, locate their mother and see if you can get her to see reasons with you. Don’t, for now tell her about the rape issue; allow her daughter make that decision of telling her mother or not.
Peg your argument on the welfare of the children and the need for her as their mother to show more interest in their welfare. Plead with her not to be too far from them even if it won’t be easy for her, to have them stay with her.
Thereafter, go and visit your ex husband in the hospital. Find out what is wrong with him; he obviously needs help. Even if there is no way both of you can come together again as a couple, the fact that you were once married and have a child between the two of you makes it imperative for you to do your best for the family.
Don’t forget that if anything happens to him, you will be left with the responsibility of caring for all the children. As it is, those children regard you more as their mother and father. For this reason, you must bury your own disappointments and pains to help these children have a sense of responsibility to their father.
To achieve this, call your stepdaughter to plead with her to allow the matter be. Tell her why you think the matter should be resolved internally. The fact that the father tried to kill himself after discovering what he did is in itself enough punishment. There is no judgment that would be as great as that.
Without him saying anything, he has already condemned himself; she would only be nailing the final nail on his coffin if she goes to the Police. In the interim, don’t allow her go to her father’s house alone. If she has to see him, find time to go with her.
But, your major work here is prayer. It seems there is a spiritual problem somewhere. You need to pray to be sure but your narration points to the presence of some strange powers determined to destroy this man forever. That power doesn’t want him to ever have a woman in his life or enjoy his children.
The fact that he was calling out your name while raping his daughter shows that he wasn’t in control of his senses. By the time he did, all he wanted to do was die of shame at what he had done.
You won’t be doing yourself and this man any good if you totally blank him out of your mind. He needs you in the same way his children do. there is hope that he can still change. The fact the he was calling out your name shows that he still cares.
After all, he is the father of your child which is perhaps the strongest reason for you to help him. go into prayers and fasting on his behalf. Once God takes charge, whatever power is involved in the destruction of your home will vacate it. Until then, do all you have to do to protect everyone.
Good luck.
Re: Met on Facebook, had the wedding, but he’s a cripple
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Going through that story, I wept for the wrong values many of our young men and women are now embracing. It also brought to mind a very personal battle confronting me as a mother.
Two years ago, my eldest daughter came home with this fantastic story of meeting her old boyfriend on line. She told her father and I how wonderful the man was to her while in school; even got her siblings to back up her story.
According to her, he now stays in Germany and her indicated interest in getting married to her. Given her age, I was curious about the marital status of the man. She assured me he was still single and that fate must have kept him for her.
Although something deep within me tried to probe further, she blocked every attempt I made. My curiosity was beginning to irritate her so much so my husband had to warn me to back off. His argument was simple; its her life so if she wants to lie about what isn’t; I should allow her be.
It sounded cold but when I gave it a thought, I submitted to her wish.
She railroaded us into a quick wedding at which the boy’s brother represented him. on the two occasions she allowed me to speak with him, certain things didn’t tally. For instance, he got the school and dates of their purported time together mixed up. Again, I tried as a mother to get her to open up to me, even promising not to confide in her father, still she insisted they had been secondary school lovers.
She left a week after the wedding. I didn’t know what I was expecting or how fast it would happen but barely 24 hours after she left, she called to say she wanted to come back home; that the man she married wasn’t what he claimed he was.
According to her, he was on a wheel chair and that one of his legs was actually amputated. When I asked if the man wasn’t the same person she had known all her life, went to school with, it was then she told she had lied about everything.
That she knew, I won’t allow her marry him if I knew they met three weeks before on the internet. She said, the money he sent her, gifts items and a car he bought her which she sold without telling anybody are the reasons she wanted to marry him at all cost.
Her father who was listening to my side of the conversation, took the phone from me, warned not to contemplate coming back to his house that she should remain in that marriage.
There was nothing my daughter didn’t say to come back but her father and I stood our ground. Today, they have a baby boy and even though she is still not too happy about his disability, is still hopeful that we would support her desire to divorce him but she has come to appreciate his person and mind.
Kosi, you just have to do as Agatha says. Give yourself time to get to know him. At least nobody forced you into making the choice, you did out of greed like my daughter. The least you can do is to find ways of making each other happy.
Like Agatha, pointed out since he is capable of functioning as a man, is caring, what more do you want? For instance, my son-in-law is very caring, taking good care of us; at least, my daughter got her wish of a financially stable man even if she isnt enjoying the marriage as she hoped to.
It is a pity what you young girls play up these days or what you think marriage is all about. Kosi, invest all you have as a woman to make the best of the situation you have created for yourself.
Mrs. Apoyi.
Dear Agatha,
Going through that story, I wept for the wrong values many of our young men and women are now embracing. It also brought to mind a very personal battle confronting me as a mother.
Two years ago, my eldest daughter came home with this fantastic story of meeting her old boyfriend on line. She told her father and I how wonderful the man was to her while in school; even got her siblings to back up her story.
According to her, he now stays in Germany and her indicated interest in getting married to her. Given her age, I was curious about the marital status of the man. She assured me he was still single and that fate must have kept him for her.
Although something deep within me tried to probe further, she blocked every attempt I made. My curiosity was beginning to irritate her so much so my husband had to warn me to back off. His argument was simple; its her life so if she wants to lie about what isn’t; I should allow her be.
It sounded cold but when I gave it a thought, I submitted to her wish.
She railroaded us into a quick wedding at which the boy’s brother represented him. on the two occasions she allowed me to speak with him, certain things didn’t tally. For instance, he got the school and dates of their purported time together mixed up. Again, I tried as a mother to get her to open up to me, even promising not to confide in her father, still she insisted they had been secondary school lovers.
She left a week after the wedding. I didn’t know what I was expecting or how fast it would happen but barely 24 hours after she left, she called to say she wanted to come back home; that the man she married wasn’t what he claimed he was.
According to her, he was on a wheel chair and that one of his legs was actually amputated. When I asked if the man wasn’t the same person she had known all her life, went to school with, it was then she told she had lied about everything.
That she knew, I won’t allow her marry him if I knew they met three weeks before on the internet. She said, the money he sent her, gifts items and a car he bought her which she sold without telling anybody are the reasons she wanted to marry him at all cost.
Her father who was listening to my side of the conversation, took the phone from me, warned not to contemplate coming back to his house that she should remain in that marriage.
There was nothing my daughter didn’t say to come back but her father and I stood our ground. Today, they have a baby boy and even though she is still not too happy about his disability, is still hopeful that we would support her desire to divorce him but she has come to appreciate his person and mind.
Kosi, you just have to do as Agatha says. Give yourself time to get to know him. At least nobody forced you into making the choice, you did out of greed like my daughter. The least you can do is to find ways of making each other happy.
Like Agatha, pointed out since he is capable of functioning as a man, is caring, what more do you want? For instance, my son-in-law is very caring, taking good care of us; at least, my daughter got her wish of a financially stable man even if she isnt enjoying the marriage as she hoped to.
It is a pity what you young girls play up these days or what you think marriage is all about. Kosi, invest all you have as a woman to make the best of the situation you have created for yourself.
Mrs. Apoyi.
He betrayed our vow
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a muslim but when my husband and I were dating, I made him promise I would be his only wife.
Right from my early years, I have vowed never to marry a man who would marry more than a wife. I made this vow as a result of my parents’ experiences. Not for one day, did my mother who is my father’s first wife enjoy her marriage.
It was always one form of quarrel or the other in our house.
Mad jealousy drove mothers and children to the extreme, one that involved native doctors, alfas and spiritualists. After a while, the issue for my mother wasn’t my father marryng a new wife, which was his pastime, rather, it was how to protect her children who were dying mysteriously as well as getting sick.
The deaths of my two eldest brothers aged her over night.
With their deaths, the son of the second wife became the first male of the family; when a third wife came that one also died.
I graduated three years after my mates left school because someone in my father’s house didn’t want me to become a graduate.
One of my siblings is today in a mental home for the same reason.
He happens to be the brightest star among all my father’s children.
If I continue, it may take a life time for me to tell the world how horrible my growing up years were.
For these reasons, I made up my mind not to marry a man who nurses the desire to marry a second wife. Deliberately I went out of my way to befriend only Christian men and would have married one if my father and his brothers didn’t put up a stiff opposition. Being an Iman and his eldest daughter, there was no way, I would dishonour him by marrying outside my faith.
When my current husband came, I explained my entire life to him and my desire to be the only woman in my husband’s life.
He too, a product of a polygamous home, agreed to my terms. In his words, it was the least we could do for our children.
Now almost 10 years into our marriage, blessed with two childen, two boys, he has not only changed his mind about our agreement but has gone ahead to marry a second wife who is already pregnant for him.
His excuse? His father who is also a muslim sholar mandated it for him to marry more than a wife.
When I reminded him of our agreement, he said, he cannot ask the other woman to leave his house or terminate the pregnancy she was carrying.
He promised however not to bring her into the house. She currently lives in a rented apartment but I fear along the line she would get fed up of staying outside her husband’s home.
My parents too are of very little help. My mother said, I should accept it. that it is my destiny.
Agatha, this is one destiny I don’t want. I don’t want to share my husband and home with any other woman.
I don’t want my children going through all those nightmare of a home filled with many mothers and children.
I feel highly betrayed and want an out of this marriage but I don’t have any support from anybody, including my friends who all think I am asking for the impossible in life. They are all preaching peace and tolerance.
I am honestly so confused because of he is caring and loving. Despite taking another wife, he has continued to be fair to me and the children.
The house we currently live in is ours.
To demonstrate his love for the children and I, he not only changed the name on the title deeds to my own but also gave me permission to change the name to my maiden name to give me whatever assurance I need that he would never leave me and the children unprovided for.
Please help me out of this situation because I don’t want to share him with any woman.
Halima.
Dear Halima,
I know you feel bad but. leaving isn’t a solution. unless you are prepared to soldier life on your own as a single mother. If not at one point too, you will end up being the other woman in another man’s life.
No matter how strong willed you are, a time would come when you will find yourself in need of a male company. This is the reality of life, one you would have to think deeply and thoroughly before taking a decision on how you want to proceed.
Besides, whether you leave him or not, your children already have a stepmother who is about to give them a stepsibling. This means,
whatever it is you are trying to prevent has already happened by your husband getting married to this woman. If she is spiritually dangerous, it matters very little whether you live with your husband nor not. She would still make attempts to destroy you and the children if she so desires.
Therefore, your concern now shouldn’t be how to run away from the nightmare of your youth but, how to manage the challenges your current situation presents.
The first place to begin is to revisit your premarital promises to each other.
How realistic was that promise considering the fact that your religion permits polygamy.
Irrespective of whatever promises you made to each other, the fact remains that your religion doesn’t frown at a man marrying more than one wife. This means you have to accept the presence of the other woman in your lives. Besides, the typical
African man is a polygamist by nature. You cannot change the nature of the average man, no matter how hard you try to.
The only thing that changes a man is the fear of God.
Once he makes up his mind not to offend his God, life becomes easier for the woman in his life.
Being a Muslim by birth and practice, he isn’t acting against his religion or the orders of the God he serves. For this reason, you must act with a measure of wisdom here.
Don’t throw away all you have laboured for in the last 10 years. If not for your sake, do it for your children whose legacy and father you will be giving up for another to enjoy.
As long as there is no violence and the woman isn’t staying in the same house as you and your children, stay on. But, good wisdom demands you turn over your life completely to the God you serve. In addition, don’t involve yourself in the affairs of the other woman.
As long as your husband is taking care of you and the children, mind your business.
Don’t allow any third party intervention in the world you have created for you and your children.
When he is with you, treat him with all the respect he deserves as your man. And when he is with the other woman, allow him be.
At this point, you also need to ask yourself an important question.
How perfect have you been as a wife? Granted that religion maybe a factor in his decision to take another wife would be have done if he didn’t have a profound reason to? There is the need for you to X-ray your own behavior as a wife and friend.
It is important you do, to ensure you continue to remain revelant in his life, especially now that there is another woman to match you up with. He may not set out to deliberately compare you with his second wife but it is human nature to hence, your need to improve on your weak points which maybe the real reason he decided to take another wife.
He may not really be able to explain his reasons but the mind has a way of filling in the missing gap when it finds the right answer to issues that have long baffled it.
This maybe the real reason and unless you work on that aspect of your character and person, you risk losing him completely to the other woman.
It isn’t everytime in a polygamous setting that the rival depends on charm to win over the man. Good character, devotion and quality attention given the man can make all the difference to a man who has been thristy for such things in his life.
By being truthful to yourself, you will be saving yourself from a lot of needless headaches.
And to do a good job of this, you have to let go of your disappointments at his betrayal.
Just accept early that he wasn’t meant to be faithful to you.
It will help you recover early as well as help you focus on the things you have to do.
Your parents and friends asking you not ot leave him know that life is a very thorny path.
Nothing is ever as it seems. This is why you must be tolerant, patience and focused.
By being faithful to your God and applying His given wisdom, you can still come to enjoy this marriage as much as you set out to, in the beginning irrespective of the other woman’s presence in his life.
Always remember no woman fights a marital challenge on her own powers.
As long as you give yours over to your God, you will win at the end of it all.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am a muslim but when my husband and I were dating, I made him promise I would be his only wife.
Right from my early years, I have vowed never to marry a man who would marry more than a wife. I made this vow as a result of my parents’ experiences. Not for one day, did my mother who is my father’s first wife enjoy her marriage.
It was always one form of quarrel or the other in our house.
Mad jealousy drove mothers and children to the extreme, one that involved native doctors, alfas and spiritualists. After a while, the issue for my mother wasn’t my father marryng a new wife, which was his pastime, rather, it was how to protect her children who were dying mysteriously as well as getting sick.
The deaths of my two eldest brothers aged her over night.
With their deaths, the son of the second wife became the first male of the family; when a third wife came that one also died.
I graduated three years after my mates left school because someone in my father’s house didn’t want me to become a graduate.
One of my siblings is today in a mental home for the same reason.
He happens to be the brightest star among all my father’s children.
If I continue, it may take a life time for me to tell the world how horrible my growing up years were.
For these reasons, I made up my mind not to marry a man who nurses the desire to marry a second wife. Deliberately I went out of my way to befriend only Christian men and would have married one if my father and his brothers didn’t put up a stiff opposition. Being an Iman and his eldest daughter, there was no way, I would dishonour him by marrying outside my faith.
When my current husband came, I explained my entire life to him and my desire to be the only woman in my husband’s life.
He too, a product of a polygamous home, agreed to my terms. In his words, it was the least we could do for our children.
Now almost 10 years into our marriage, blessed with two childen, two boys, he has not only changed his mind about our agreement but has gone ahead to marry a second wife who is already pregnant for him.
His excuse? His father who is also a muslim sholar mandated it for him to marry more than a wife.
When I reminded him of our agreement, he said, he cannot ask the other woman to leave his house or terminate the pregnancy she was carrying.
He promised however not to bring her into the house. She currently lives in a rented apartment but I fear along the line she would get fed up of staying outside her husband’s home.
My parents too are of very little help. My mother said, I should accept it. that it is my destiny.
Agatha, this is one destiny I don’t want. I don’t want to share my husband and home with any other woman.
I don’t want my children going through all those nightmare of a home filled with many mothers and children.
I feel highly betrayed and want an out of this marriage but I don’t have any support from anybody, including my friends who all think I am asking for the impossible in life. They are all preaching peace and tolerance.
I am honestly so confused because of he is caring and loving. Despite taking another wife, he has continued to be fair to me and the children.
The house we currently live in is ours.
To demonstrate his love for the children and I, he not only changed the name on the title deeds to my own but also gave me permission to change the name to my maiden name to give me whatever assurance I need that he would never leave me and the children unprovided for.
Please help me out of this situation because I don’t want to share him with any woman.
Halima.
Dear Halima,
I know you feel bad but. leaving isn’t a solution. unless you are prepared to soldier life on your own as a single mother. If not at one point too, you will end up being the other woman in another man’s life.
No matter how strong willed you are, a time would come when you will find yourself in need of a male company. This is the reality of life, one you would have to think deeply and thoroughly before taking a decision on how you want to proceed.
Besides, whether you leave him or not, your children already have a stepmother who is about to give them a stepsibling. This means,
whatever it is you are trying to prevent has already happened by your husband getting married to this woman. If she is spiritually dangerous, it matters very little whether you live with your husband nor not. She would still make attempts to destroy you and the children if she so desires.
Therefore, your concern now shouldn’t be how to run away from the nightmare of your youth but, how to manage the challenges your current situation presents.
The first place to begin is to revisit your premarital promises to each other.
How realistic was that promise considering the fact that your religion permits polygamy.
Irrespective of whatever promises you made to each other, the fact remains that your religion doesn’t frown at a man marrying more than one wife. This means you have to accept the presence of the other woman in your lives. Besides, the typical
African man is a polygamist by nature. You cannot change the nature of the average man, no matter how hard you try to.
The only thing that changes a man is the fear of God.
Once he makes up his mind not to offend his God, life becomes easier for the woman in his life.
Being a Muslim by birth and practice, he isn’t acting against his religion or the orders of the God he serves. For this reason, you must act with a measure of wisdom here.
Don’t throw away all you have laboured for in the last 10 years. If not for your sake, do it for your children whose legacy and father you will be giving up for another to enjoy.
As long as there is no violence and the woman isn’t staying in the same house as you and your children, stay on. But, good wisdom demands you turn over your life completely to the God you serve. In addition, don’t involve yourself in the affairs of the other woman.
As long as your husband is taking care of you and the children, mind your business.
Don’t allow any third party intervention in the world you have created for you and your children.
When he is with you, treat him with all the respect he deserves as your man. And when he is with the other woman, allow him be.
At this point, you also need to ask yourself an important question.
How perfect have you been as a wife? Granted that religion maybe a factor in his decision to take another wife would be have done if he didn’t have a profound reason to? There is the need for you to X-ray your own behavior as a wife and friend.
It is important you do, to ensure you continue to remain revelant in his life, especially now that there is another woman to match you up with. He may not set out to deliberately compare you with his second wife but it is human nature to hence, your need to improve on your weak points which maybe the real reason he decided to take another wife.
He may not really be able to explain his reasons but the mind has a way of filling in the missing gap when it finds the right answer to issues that have long baffled it.
This maybe the real reason and unless you work on that aspect of your character and person, you risk losing him completely to the other woman.
It isn’t everytime in a polygamous setting that the rival depends on charm to win over the man. Good character, devotion and quality attention given the man can make all the difference to a man who has been thristy for such things in his life.
By being truthful to yourself, you will be saving yourself from a lot of needless headaches.
And to do a good job of this, you have to let go of your disappointments at his betrayal.
Just accept early that he wasn’t meant to be faithful to you.
It will help you recover early as well as help you focus on the things you have to do.
Your parents and friends asking you not ot leave him know that life is a very thorny path.
Nothing is ever as it seems. This is why you must be tolerant, patience and focused.
By being faithful to your God and applying His given wisdom, you can still come to enjoy this marriage as much as you set out to, in the beginning irrespective of the other woman’s presence in his life.
Always remember no woman fights a marital challenge on her own powers.
As long as you give yours over to your God, you will win at the end of it all.
Good luck.
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