Thursday, July 30, 2009

He Hates Me For Offering Better Lifeline


Dear Agatha,


God will keep blessing you with bountiful wisdom to always put us through our problems.

I am 25-year-old, dating a guy, 29. Our relationship is three years old.

When we first met, he lied to me about his educational status. He told me he was a part-time student in Lagos State while I was schooling in Ogun State.

I later discovered he has only an Ordinary National Diploma and that he being in school was a blatant lie. He is more interested in travelling abroad than going back to school.

I have tried unsuccessfully to advise him on the need for him to concentrate on his education instead of wasting time pursuing what is increasingly appearing to be an elusive dream. My concern is for him to at least keep improving on himself while still awaiting the opportunity to travel out.

But he won’t listen. He is more interested in wasting precious time waiting to get a visa, which isn’t forthcoming.

I have gotten to the limit of my patient since it appears he doesn’t want to discuss his plans with me any more, in his opinion I am always discouraging him.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Confused Girl.


Dear Confused Girl,

Usually when the bug to travel bites hard, its victims are left without any sense of responsibility than to travel out. Unfortunately, your boyfriend belongs to the group of persons who are under the illusion that they can’t make it in this country until they travel out.

With his mind all twisted up and channelled towards going abroad, nothing you say or do would make sense to him until he goes to where he has set his mind. At this stage of his delusion his mind is blocked to all well meaning suggestions, and may begin to even suspect you of being the reason nothing is working out for him in that direction.

Sincerely, there is no meaningful relationship that can grow between the two of you with him living in this mixed up. He is like someone under the influence of drugs and I tell you, this is an addiction that could consume your own dreams if you are not careful.

You have a choice to continue to put up with this dreamer or quit to pursue your own dream. His situation is a typical case of everything being put on hold, until he gets the opportunity of travelling. He doesn’t care if his waiting period is forever, what matters to him is leaving the shores of Nigeria.

Even if he listens to you now and agrees to go back to school or pursue other things, he will still come back to it even if you are able to persuade him to marry you along the line. Chances are that he would pressurise as well as blackmail you to invest your money to help him actualise his dreams. Not only would this deprive you of your own dreams but those the children you may have had eventually.

Be careful, you know what you are doing because at the end of the day, you would be the one left to hold onto the wrong side of the candle.

Yes, he may come for you eventually but at what cost? At 29, he isn’t exactly a spring chicken. By now he should have wrapped up his education, given himself a fair foundation in life. If at this age, he is still pursuing dreams rather than visions, something is wrong with his whole concept to life. Are you willing to take a chance on him?

At 25, you are nearing the age when most women get serious about their lives, when they begin to plan for it, even if they are not planning on settling down yet.

If you are not careful, this man would continue to drag you back anytime you plan advancement in your life.

Not every relationship is meant to end in marriage. Having stayed with him for three years, demonstrated your love and support, it is time he too did the same thing for you if he really cares about you.

This is why you must sit him down to discuss, to ask patent questions concerning your place in his life as well as his plans for you. Also ask him what he intends to do if eventually he never succeeds in getting a visa to travel out. And if he gets the visa, ask him how he plans to raise the money for the ticket as well as support himself there.

His response to you and your worries will tell you more than anything or any one what you should do at the end of the day.

Furthermore, this calls for reality, honesty and boldness to face your future. Like you said, your future too is involved. While he reserves the right to toy with his, don’t allow him mess up yours. He lacks the right to do that for you.

Believe me, this is one classic instance when love may not be able to keep the two of you together after a while. Love can only flourish if there is a reasonable level of cooperation in a relationship. If he told lie once about something as basic as his education, he can do it again on something more important, something that could end up hurting you deeply.

Your choice would depend on what you in particular want in life and how much you value your happiness.

Good luck.

That She Can’t Flaunt Our Love Wanes My Feelings


Dear Agatha,


There is this girl I love so much, and have come to put up with her attitude. Although, she claims to love me, I am surprised that whenever we are together or walking along the campus she doesn’t allow me to either hold or touch her.

If I make the mistake of doing that she complains. To prevent annoying her, I do as she says.

But the truth is that I am becoming fed up with this attitude of hers. Her excuse is that she dislikes a man touching her on the body. Now, Agatha, tell me what I should do because right now my love for her is fading on account of her attitude.

I would, however, appreciate a solution that will bring back my old feelings for her.

Worried Boyfriend.


Dear Worried Boyfriend,

You are getting fed up on account of her refusal to allow you touch her in public? Deep down, do you think that is enough reason the feelings you have for her begin to dwindle? What is the substance of your love for this lady? And what do you understand by love?

I can identify with frustration but to say your love is waning simply because she refuses you to put your stamp on her publicly shows she has every reason to be weary of you and your interpretation of what you say you feel for her.

What a relationship needs essentially is trust. And the man, especially, must have the confidence in himself to be able to trust in the woman. The issue here isn’t the fact that she isn’t allowing you to hold her in public but that of your motive for insisting on public proclamation of the status of your relationship with her.

Your love is fading because you are frustrated at her refusal to allow you prosecute your zeal of massaging your ego, that of putting a public brand on her as your exclusive territory.

The truth, not every relationship flourishes under such branding. Some people are private and don’t appreciate being made public spectacle of. They are private people who like to code their ways. This is something you should have found out first before attempting to foist your values on her. Relationship works best when the couple takes time out to first discuss each other’s interests as well as values. If she says she doesn’t feel comfortable with what you want, the ideal thing is to listen to her and to find out why she isn’t.

Imputing things to her attitude is to cause a problem the relationship may not survive to handle. She has told you she isn’t comfortable with a man touching her body, this explanation points at her upbringing, the values impacted into her, something which has become integral to her and would be difficult for her to give up now.

What you should do is to respect her stance on the matter and discuss the other options open to you. If the purpose is to signify your involvement with her and to ward-off possible rivals, being constantly in each other’s company is more than enough signal that you are both involved. Holding her hands or waist in public is an over-kill.

Rather than give up on this relationship or on yourselves, use this opportunity to bond. From what is happening, it is obvious that the two of you lack a good communication culture. If you had, this issue wouldn’t have degenerated to this level.

It isn’t too late to call her to discuss the way forward. If you are willing to employ patience, understanding, trust as well as trust, things will work out eventually. The success of a relationship depends on how much a couple is willingly to invest into it to make it work.

Good luck.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

My Wife Starves Me With Sex…


Dear Agatha,


I got married five years ago and we have gotten two children. We got married with love and godliness as our foundation. We made love for the first time after five years of relationship on our wedding night. We both believed in sex after marriage.

However, the problem now has to do with her attitude to sex generally. She always has thousand excuses not to have sex like headaches, no strength, and what have you, to avoid having sex with me.

And when she agrees to it, she only approves of the missionary position, refusing to try any other thing.

I am 39 while she is 30. Due to her inability to satisfy me in bed, I have taken to masturbating simply because I vowed not to have any extra marital affair.

But for how long can I do this when I have a woman in my house? What are the dangers to my marriage? Why is she refusing to cooperate with me?

Worried Husband.


Dear Worried Husband,

There is no arguing the place of sex in marriage. It is as important as the reason that brought the marriage into being.

However, in all these you must appreciate the salient reality that being married doesn’t deprive one of his or her upbringing. Your wife probably grew up in a home where sex is forbidden, done only for procreation purpose, under the secret of darkness. If her religious upbringing made sex a necessity and not a procreation couples get into to further cement their union, it would require the patience and perseverance of Job, to get her to think along the lines you are now thinking.

It would also require a considerable amount of friendship on your path to help her get over the phobia or her sexual illiteracy.

Her attitude also calls to question your own teaching skills. If you are her first lover, it shows you have done a very poor job of it. Being first time lovers, you should have been able to drag her along with each new knowledge and skill acquired by you. Her metamorphosis should have taken place the time yours took place. It is either at that time you didn’t think it was necessary in the beginning to introduce her to the changes you were experiencing or were afraid she would be contaminated by such changes.

Whatever mistakes you made, her training is largely responsible for what is happening. Growing up with the notion that a responsible woman isn’t meant to enjoy sex but to give herself to the pleasure of her husband isn’t an orientation you can change by being angry or in a hurried manner.

Though you seem to have the same upbringing, you have been able to outgrow yours while she is still unable to make the clear distinction between what worked for her parents and what will work for her.

Doubtless, your marriage is in a very precarious situation one, which if not handled with sincerity and wisdom, is volatile enough to capsize your marriage. It is a reality you must make her face and accept as urgently as possible.

If she becomes obstinate about it, you have to expose her to the shocking reality of the extent her stubborn refusal to help you achieve sexual happiness in your marriage has pushed you. Again she has to understand that after a while, the habit may not be enough incentive to keep you from straying into the hands of another woman.

But before you go to this extreme, you must first find out why she is so disinterested in sex. It is a process of debriefing her of whatever she was told as a child. She has to know that there is more to sex than procreation and that a married couple needs the power of quality sex to remain happy and prime in their union.

Explaining to her that sex is the lubricant that keeps the engine of marriage working at full capacity and without hitches would help her begin the process of shifting her rigid stance on the matter.

Also a lot would depend on your attitude. For someone who is obviously scared of sex or who doesn’t understand the value of sex in marriage, bullying her into accepting your views on it would only serve to drive her further into her shell.

What she needs is a gentle introduction to it. Break her into it with care and love. A lot of the time approach makes a whole load difference. You cannot use force to enforce your idea. In a way, take the blame while still pleading with her to help make the marriage more emotionally comfortable for both of you.

Let her have all the headaches in the world or lack all the energy to make love. Don’t complain rather, engage her interest by becoming extra caring and complimentary of her looks. No matter how stubborn or uncaring a woman is that can resist compliments. Remember she isn’t a girlfriend but your wife, one whose conduct and attitude must give you a level of satisfaction to be happy. Therefore you must take more than a passing interest in her to be happy yourself.

Listening to her reservations about sex generally will give you an idea of where to start just as studying her to know her vane side. We all come with certain vanities in our lives, which from time to time need massaging.

Do you know? You require a comprehensive knowledge of your woman to be able to deal with this challenge effectively. You have to know what she wants, what works with her and what will never work to know how to calm her down sufficiently to make her eat out of your pleasure pie.

It also depends on how much she wants the marriage and values her image. If she is not too bothered about her attitudes damaging her marriage, as long as it enables her protect her stance on the issue of sex, it means going outside your marriage for help. Going to your in-laws or pastor for help on a re-educating her on her responsibilities to her man may be an alternative you have to pursue in the case that every effort on your path fails to make sense to her.

What efforts have you also put into making her change beyond your own needs? For anyone to change he or she must have an appealing alternative to the thing or situation he or she is moving away from.

Wisdom demands you don’t prepare her for whatever position you want her to adopt but to gently introduce her during the session. Introduce innovative romance sessions as well as enough time for her to savour the taste and pleasure of it.

It is when everything else fails to make an impression on her that you should let her know how far she has pushed you and the likely consequences of the situation. Then it would not just be a matter of you threatening her but letting her appreciate the cold facts about what the situation is capable of pushing you into doing should she continue to deny you of quality sex.

Above all, entrust the problem to the capable hands of God.

Good luck.

Nasty Dressing Sense May Mar Her Future…


Dear Agatha,


Thanks for the good job you are doing. I am 13 years of age in a JSS 2. My ambition is to become a lawyer despite the fact that I stammer.

I have a friend who joined my school in our first term. From the very moment I saw her, I made up my mind to have her as my friend.

However, I was disappointed when at our Christmas party, she came in backless dress, which to me was not decent. I told her what I thought of her dress when we resumed in January and she took offence and told me to mind my business.

She stopped talking to me from that point.

During the school excursion at Easter, I was told she wore a backless top on low waist trousers by another friend who went since I was unable to go.

I felt sad at the news because deep down, I am convinced she doesn’t know what she is doing to herself. She is 11 years of age.

I am concerned because I love her as a friend. Please help me before I make a mistake.

Oyinsola.


Dear Oyinsola,

You can conquer stammering by learning to speak slowly, with calmness and without fear. Most of the time too much anger aggravates the situation, so learn to control your anger always. When you learn to speak with control and confidence, it will, overtime, become unnoticeable or brought under manageable control.

As for your friend, there is nothing you can do about it. If you look at the issue critically, it isn’t her fault because at her age, she doesn’t do her shopping or have a say in what her parents buy for her. Her guardian or mother does the shopping for her and makes the choices you see on her body.

So she wears the clothes her mother picks out for her just like you reflect the training of your parents. She is exhibiting the fashion choice of her mother because she doesn’t have control over her affairs for now. What you should do is to pray for her and her mother to be guided by the spirit of God.

As her friend, always stand in the gap for her each time you pray. You don’t have to tell her what you are doing on her behalf. The joy of the Lord is yours so share it with those you know.

Telling her will only alienate her from you because human nature often abhors criticism. She would naturally feel you are trying to enforce your views on her and would not take kindly to it. Jesus showed us a perfect example of how to win people to our way of thinking, not by insisting they are wrong but by showing love. Keep showing this girl love despite her pettiness. Overtime, with your prayers, she would come to appreciate what you are telling her.

Good luck.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

At 16, Can’t Suicide Hide Shame Of Unwanted Baby?


Dear Agatha,


I am 16 years of age and recently discovered that I am pregnant for my 17 year old boyfriend. I got pregnant quite by accident. I honestly didn’t plan to but that day after a social function, my boyfriend suggested I accompany him to his friend’s place. While there, I took a glass of wine which unknown to me contained a considerable amount of alcohol.

Against my better judgment I allowed him sleep with me for the first time that day. When I realized what I had done and worried about getting pregnant, he assured me once wasn’t enough to get me pregnant, that it took repeated lovemaking to get a woman pregnant.

When I didn’t see my period in May, I went to him, he told me not to worry that it would come. And when it still didn’t come in June, I again told him. He gave me some tablets, nothing happened.

Now my mother has found out my state and my boyfriend is denying me and my pregnancy. I don’t know what to do because he is the only man I have known and he knows he is responsible. When I told my mother about the tablet he gave me, he denied everything.

Now my mother is insisting I keep the baby after being assured by the doctor that the baby is okay. She is also insisting I stay with her to have the baby being her only child. She has refused the option offered by my father, that I go to stay with my paternal grandmother until after the baby is borne. According to my mother, facing the music would teach me never to disgrace the family again.

I feel like committing suicide. I have just finished writing my Senior Secondary School Certificate Examination. How can I endure the shame of this pregnancy? Please help me. Why is mother being this difficult?

Yeside.


Dear Yeside,

Your mother is only doing what she has to do to protect you from yourself now and in the future. Whether you stay with your grandmother or not, doesn’t remove the reality of your situation, that you are about to be a mother when you have barely emerged from childhood yourself. And what makes you think your grandmother would pamper you for getting pregnant at your age? Are there no people living there who would also wonder at your values and go ahead to make fun of you? There is nothing like experience which is obviously the message your mother is trying to pass across to you.

Her refusal to let you go; is to demonstrate the depth of her hurt and disappointment. Being her only, she must have had high plans for you, which doesn’t include making her a premature grandmother. How do you think she would feel seeing her only child at 16 pregnant with a child whose father has denied? How do you think it makes her feel? Happy or sad at the nonsense you have made of whatever values she gave to you? Do you realize that the society would blame her for your act, particularly as her only child?


The tendency is for everybody to think you acted the way you did because she pampered you too much. Your blame in all these would be minimal compared to her own in addition to the psychological burden of the personal blame she would ascribe to herself at the way you have turned out.

It may be your first time but the evidence of pregnancy has made you more experienced in the game than any of your friends who have managed to escape the stigma of carrying a pregnancy at 16. Don’t complicate this for her through the same selfish attitude that got you into this mess. You have made one silly mistake; don’t make another one by attempting suicide. Your parents, especially your mother would be the loser, not the man who put you in the family way who for now has taken a retreat to enable him enjoy the freedom of his age. Even if you have given up on yourself and end your own life, that child you carry deserves to live and for its sake, you must live for it.

Now you know that that once can get a woman pregnant. Anytime a woman allows a man inside her, she risks being pregnant provided it is the right time of the month. He will definitely come back but ensure when he comes back he has a lot to be sorry for. You won’t achieve that by killing yourself, making him sorry for ever abandoning you when you needed him the most.

If you die, he would never think of you or have any reason to be sorry for what he did to you and your unborn child. Your motivation is to make him sorry hence the need for you to stay alive and give your parents all the cooperation to help you bounce back on your feet with the most minimal side-effects. That you are pregnant shouldn’t stop you from improving yourself. Deploy this period of pregnancy into positive things, those things that would improve you at the end of the day. That you have finished writing your O’level examination doesn’t mean you are done with your education.
By now, you must have a clear idea of what course youintend to study at the university. Use this time to read and prepare for your Joint Admission and Matriculation Board Examinations so you don’t waste unnecessary time catching up with your mates. Also think of ways of reducing the burden of caring for the baby on your parents by going into a craft that can earn extra money for you. If you invest your time positively, you would be too busy to notice what anybody is saying as well as time to brood over your situation.

Whatever happens, learn to take each day at a time. What has happened has, there is nothing you can do about it. Learn to relax, eat and enjoy the best of this situation to give you the strength to do what you must do when the time comes. Always have this at the back of your mind that you don’t have the patent for what you have done, countless women before you found themselves precisely in this situation you are today and many more after you would also make the same mistake. Once the baby is born, you will be as good as new provided you are willing to learn from your mistake. If you are wise, use this as a springboard to launch yourself into huge and blinding success.

You could see me if you live in Lagos for a little mother and daughter talk.

Good luck.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Re: Erectile Dysfunction Denies Me Sexual Ecstacy

Click here to view the original article and comment(s).

Have Deep Love For Him But Too Swift To Exploit Me


Dear Agatha,


I met this guy last month and we hit it off immediately. He is my kind of guy; very light skinned, bulky, handsome, gorgeous, good mannered, intelligent, you name it. He is a complete replica of one man I loved so much but who turned out to be a married man. I had to let go of my dreams since I am not into dating married men. I naturally thought it was dream come true when I met this other man.

Even though his business wasn’t rosy at the time we met, I didn’t mind because the future was more my concern. However, I am becoming very uncomfortable with him. Barely a month into our relationship, he is already talking about handling some of my father's contracts; though he didn’t know who I was before we met.

He talked about him and I getting the small cuts when we handle 'daddy's jobs. Why is he talking about that so soon or am I being too sensitive? I know people marry even President's and the Dangote's daughters but one has to be careful. We've talked about marriage that was even the basis of our meeting through a family member who thinks we compliment each other especially since both of us didn’t have an existing relationship. I love him, quite a fantastic chap but I feel it’s too sudden to talk about such a thing. What do you think?

Worried Girl.


Dear Worried Girl,

If a member of your family introduced you two, how come you are confident he wasn’t aware of your family’s status when he first met you? From his attitude and trend of his conversation, there is the need for you to be very careful, not just in discussing your family but in the way you relate to him. For now, keep the relationship between the two of you extremely light, no commitment on your side whatsoever. If you haven’t slept with him already, please ensure you don’t just as you shouldn’t be in a haste to marry him to prevent one of the worst decisions you could make in life.

This man may have the looks of your ideal man but his behavior so far suggests he may not have the right character or attitude towards you. To have suggested you and he rip off your dad is an indication, he may not have scruples at all and may only be using you to get to your father’s wealth and contacts. There is no way you can be sure you know what you feel for him, a month after meeting him. Quite alright he reminds you of the one man in your past you once fell in love with, it is not enough for you to be so convinced that this man has what it takes for you to entrust him with your love.

For now, it seems you are in love with the idea of falling in love; with a dream that lacks the touch and tint of reality. This is quite unfortunate because if this man ends up taking advantage of you, it is because you gave him the right to do so by your inability to determine what is essential to you in a man. His attitude has provided you with the right opportunity to withdraw and study him. Beyond the buoyancy of his good looks, what sort of man is he and what are his values?

As a child growing up, what values and not looks have you always desired in your ideal man? Or are you one of those ladies who are so sentimental about the unimportant thing of a man having the grade A looks? Do you think a man who can propose you cheat on your father wouldn’t cheat on you? Walk out on you if the highest bidder comes along? Frankly, if this man sees in you a goldmine, it is simply because you refuse to take yourself too serious. There are daughters of prominent families who are today doing well in their marriages because from the beginning they set out to look for the right things in their men and marriages.

Yes, your kinds carry unfortunate burden of falling into the hands of designing men, but not when the man is so obvious in his agenda. Insist from day one that you and your daddy are two different entities and that you have nothing to do with who your father chooses to do business with. Let him read the signs that you are not ready to be used by any man to get to your father. If he can’t cope with that, it will be in your interest if you both go your different ways to enable the right man come into your life.

Finally, stop looking at what a man looks like but to who he really is.

Good luck.

Hate All Men I Met…


Dear Agatha,

Please help me with this problem that is threatening to turn my life upside down. I have been into different kinds of relationship, all which end on account of me hating the men after a while. I don’t know what to do. These days to avoid scandal, I simply ignore men completely. Please tell me what to do.

Confused Lady.


Dear Confused Lady,

What is the scandal? Is it that you have acquired for yourself a damaging reputation in the process of changing men? Are the scandals from your way of life, a free and indiscriminating way of life which presents you as a woman with very little moral value?

Can you think of any plausible explanation as to why you end up hating them after dating them? Can you recall when these feelings begin to sprout? Is it after you become intimate with them or before? What do you find so objectionable about these men? Is it their attitude, treatment of you or response to your person? Or something you cannot even offer an explanation for?

Whatever the reasons maybe there is first the need for you evaluate your stance with God. What is your relationship with God? You need to seek Him for you to overcome this problem which sounds more like a spiritual one. It isn’t normal what is happening to you. Hence you must be alert in the spirit to guard against this problem having the upper hand over your life. To help you determine if this is a spiritual problem or not, look at the common trends in all these men. Do they have the same attitude towards you? What are the thoughts that usually instigate this feeling of hatred inside of you?

If you cannot remember anything specific, look beyond yourself to your siblings, aunties as well as other female relationships. What are there experiences in their own relationships? Do they have tales similar to yours? Chances are if they do, there is then a major problem which only the intervention of God can break. Whatever it is, you need the help of God. Tell your pastor all about it.

Don’t be shy to because by his training and calling, he is equipped to deal with this problem. However, you must have the concomitant faith and trust in God to do all things. You must also learn to forgo hatred and frustration because these are negative feelings that will not help you at all in fighting and winning this battle. On your own, learn to pray since the problem is coming from your end and not from these men.

Good luck.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

He’s Hotheaded, Denies Me Dignity


Dear Agatha,


I read **Sunday Independent** mostly because of your column. Thanks for how you help in solving problems.

I am a 22-year-old pretty Igbo lady preparing to for my National Youths Service Corps (NYSC) programme soon. I am the kind of girl that any guy would love to have in his life.

A lot of people are surprised to know that despite being such a beautiful girl, I have only gone into two relationships. My current boyfriend is 27 and has finished his youth service and is searching for a job.

Even though he is hard working, I still feel he is not doing enough. However, there is one nagging issue affecting me and our relationship - I am very proud and I hate the phrase - “I am a man” - or any man giving me orders or dishing out commands.

I really cannot stand the way my boyfriend talks to me when angry. Even though I praise him for trying to change following several complaints from me, I now have reason to further worry following an incident that happened between us some days after that we were supposed to attend a friend’s birthday party.

Because of some unforeseen circumstances, we couldn’t go. By the time we were ready to go, he said it was too late for us to set out. Infuriated at his antics, I got dressed with my friend and left. He didn’t want us to go because of a slight misunderstanding between us. To my surprise and later embarrassment, he pursued us to the park with his cousin, took away my bag containing my money and phone. He knew I had no other money on me. It was so humiliating as people gathered in groups to discuss what they had just witnessed.

I had to stay with my friend for the night since I didn’t know what awaited me should I go back to his place that night. He later sent a text messages to my friend’s phone calling me a cheat and asking me to come and evacuate my things from his place the next day.

When I went for my things the next day, he had left instructions with his security man not to allow me into the compound. He told the security man to allow only my friend to pick only her things. He knew my friend and I had planned to come to pack our things.

Agatha, can you believe what he did, while I waited outside his gate, he drove past me. I went to his mother to report the incident to her but she couldn’t help. I later apologised. He returned my things and also begged my forgiveness. My worry is that I am not sure about the relationship.

From the very beginning of the relationship he has not hidden his desire to have me for his wife. I have told him to give me time to think. My confusion is, if his desire to marry me is because I am very pretty or because he loves me. What do you think?

Linda.


Dear Linda,

I think you are becoming arrogant by your beauty to forget every other thing. In the first instance, why would you go to a party your boyfriend says you should not go? Even if his reasons don’t go down well with you or the reason for his refusal to go is based on malice, you owe him a measure of respect and loyalty not to go.

To have so humiliated him in the presence of your friend and with her support is to say the least very rude. It honestly signposts you as an arrogant woman who believes more in beauty as well self importance more than the feelings of the man in your life.

Frankly, your behaviour falls short of what is expected of a woman who loves her man and is willing to come under the authority of the man. Even though I don’t support men treating their women as second-class citizens, there is something called obedience to constituted authority. In every relationship, the man assumes the headship. It doesn’t matter if the woman is the richest in the world, prettier than any other woman in the universe, the moment she subjects herself to a relationship, showing respect for the man becomes a must.

You don’t rubbish your man in front of your friend or outsiders and expect him to just fold his arms, pamper you and gloss over the act. It is the highest act of provocation and disregard you can show the man you claim to love. Not only did you through your action dared him to do his worst but showcases your own lack of understanding of what is expected of a woman in a relationship.

You just have to first find way to expunge from your system that overdose of pride you seems to have. Beauty is not supposed to be a thing of pride, it is a gift that should be cherished and used to glorify God. The way you can achieve this is by being humble. Humility is what adds value to beauty, it is also what separates it from vanity and makes people around to appreciate it.

You don’t score very high with people when you push your beauty into their faces, become arrogant about it. Real beauty comes from within and not what we look like. Those who show humility and respect are the most beautiful in the world. These are the people whose beauty remains evergreen, get better with each passing day. Be very careful, this type of beauty you seem to celebrate so much fades. The type that lasts forever is the one that comes from within.

You are the one that has to make up your mind on what you want the most: cold beauty or the warm kind that gives encouragement and accord people all the respect they deserve.

If you love him, give him the answer he wants from you. You don’t have to marry in a hurry, just let him know he means the world to you.

This is what he is asking for and above all, learn to appreciate that whatever we are or look like, is given unto us by God who in His wisdom gives according to His unquestionable will. It doesn’t make us better or inferior to the next person.

Good luck.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

She Won't Go To My Church


Dear Agatha,


My wife is pushing me to hurt her. We got married last year and we have an eight-month old son. I attend Living Faith Church and she is from a Jehovah’s Witness. When we newly got married, she was reluctant to follow me to my church but after persuasion and a little threat she started going with me only to stop suddenly. I came back from church two weeks ago to meet the house locked. I later discovered she went with her parents to their church. Since then nothing has been the same in our house. I find it difficult to communicate with her because I’m bitter at her attitude. I feel betrayed by her.

I now derive more joy at work than at home and I no longer feel the attraction I used to have for her so much so that the act of marriage with her is more like having sex with a strange woman than making love to my wife and when we do, I see the face of another woman.

The reason I still eat her food is because I’m not used to eating outside. I don't feel safe with her anymore. I feel this disconnection from her spiritually and that is not the kind of relationship I want with my wife.

In as much as infidelity is not a way of life for, she may force me to seek fulfilment elsewhere or better still send her home. I’m beginning to wonder if insisting that my wife goes to the same church with me is asking too much even when the Bible says that a wife should be subject to her husband in everything. She has even said the reason she was going with me in the first place was because she is not working yet. I need your advice before she pushes me to the point of no return.

Worried man.


Dear Worried Man,

What were the arrangements you both put in place before getting married? Didn’t you two discuss the issue of church during the time you courted? Granted, a woman has no religion or church until she gets married but there are now many instances where the couple chooses what works for them. If the arrangement before you both got married was for you two to continue to attend your different churches, insisting on her coming with you to yours now is wrong.

You will have to give her time to make up her mind about it. Though the Bible is specific on the husband being the head of the home and the woman subjecting herself to her husband, the same Bible points every one of us to application of wisdom in every situation we find ourselves.

No marriage will stand the test of time in absolute authoritarianism. If you want this woman to respect and listen to your wishes, you must learn to treat her as a human being with interests of her own. To be adamant on issues which under ideal circumstances could be resolved amicably destroys the future of a relationship.

In the first instance, both of you don’t have to drag the issue. God Himself is capable of fighting His battles and does His things perfectly without question or confusions. Good enough both of you are Christians. At this point, it should matter how both of you approach God, what should matter is what brought you both together despite the obvious differences in your worship. The fact that you didn’t remember these differences when you met, decided to spend the rest of your lives together, have a baby, shows the differences you are making a major issue now, is superficial.

One thing that never works in life especially in a relationship, and marriage for that matter, is the use of force. Life itself is a free gift from God and if you look around you, the best and priceless things in life are given to us free of charge. Therefore, to enjoy the hidden treasure of life, which is peace, learn to adopt the gift of freedom in your dealings with people. Over time, such people given the benefit of your behaviour and fairness in handling others around you, often than not, come over to your side of their own free will.

Your wife is an individual, free to have opinions, decisions and actions. This is irrespective of whether she is your wife or not. These are her God given rights just like we cannot deny our children the right to their freedom when the time comes. You must, as the head of the home, first accept this to equip you to play your role well as the head of the home. She is not a slave or servant. God made her your helpmate, to assist you in giving meaning to your life. Marriage is about compromises. When a man or woman insists his or her way is the only right way, a lot of harm is done in the process.

If you are patient, understanding and caring, overtime, your ways will win her over. Even where you both agreed, she would cross over to your church once married, you still need a lot of tolerance to win her over. This is not saying she is right to have changed the goal post so soon after marriage but being the head of the home, you need to lead by setting the right examples in your home. It won’t do for you as the head of the home to always give in to pressure and anger.

Yes, she has done something highly provocative. But, then who is to blame? If her parents didn’t support her to go with them, insist she accords her husband the respect he deserves as the head of the home, there is no way she could have gone to that church with them. Being more experienced in this matter, they should have never given her the support and encouragement to disobey the feelings of her husband whom they willingly gave out in marriage.

So, go to her parents and tell them precisely how you feel and the danger their obvious support for their daughter is putting your home in. They are the real danger to your happiness, not your wife who is merely acting a script written for her long ago. You have to understand it would take a while, especially if she grew up with parents who have brainwashed her into accepting theirs is the only right way.

It would take time for her to shift loyalty from her parents to you. This is why I insist you should be less critical of her and support her to trust your ways. Then also think of the innocent baby who at eight months needs the love, care and appreciation of the parents to be really happy. Ask a lot of men who have been married for a long time, and they will tell you that marriage is a journey of thorns, pricks, toil, tolerance, selflessness, endurance, trust in God, prayer to make the bricks solid.

Ending your marriage on account of which church is the best is branding the God we serve as being the author of confusion. Lean on and pray to Him for His presence in your marriage. Once He comes into it, everything that appears to be impossible will become so easy you will begin to wonder why you thought it difficult in the first place.

If you go into an extra marital affair, it is because you have always wanted to, not as a result of her refusal to follow you to your church. Resist creating greater problems for your marriage by your inability to handle things with maturity.

Good luck.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Need Good Girl To Hook Me


Dear Agatha,


Thank you for many lives you have changed but one more life you just must touch. I know you don’t publish this kind of mail, but you just have to help me. I have never succeeded in my relationships because I can’t afford the luxury associated with dating women. But all the same, I envy a lot of my friends with viable relationships. I often wonder why I’m so unlucky prompting me to think I am cursed.

I know you can help. Please help hook me up with a serious girl. I have been frustrated by bad women. A serious minded woman can get me through this number, 08072446069.

Kelvin.

He Gets Too Tough For Me


Dear Agatha,


I really appreciate your effort concerning people’s problems. I am 26 years of age, started dating this guy in February 2009. Because of his exceptional love for me I confided the problems I was having with my brother whom I stay with in him.

My plight motivated him into renting a room because where he was staying wasn’t comfortable too, besides he wanted us to live together. I declined telling him there was no way I would agree to such an arrangement until he paid my bride price.

However, I agreed to pay 20 percent of the house rent to appease him. My refusal to stay with him or stay late is however causing problems between us, becoming a daily ritual. I don’t like going home late to avoid problems between my brother and me.

Recently, after our Sunday service, I decided to visit the pastor and his family. When I informed him of my intentions, he instructed me not to go but pleaded with him to understand why I must since I had promised the pastor I would visit that day. And that Sunday was the only time I have to visit. After eating lunch with him, I left for the pastor’s place. When I came back, he told me to go back to where I was coming from. But for the presence of neighbours it would have degenerated into bitter quarrel.

Thinking the matter was over, on my way to work, I went there to see him. He refused to respond to my greetings, to avoid problems I left for work. I don’t know what to do about his attitude. Please help me.

Betty.


Dear Betty,

The problem with this relationship is that you have both cramped the relationship within such a short time with too much expectations and responsibilities. Sincerely, your relationship is too young and tender to handle many of the issues you expect it to shoulder. How much responsibility can a six months old baby handle?

Beyond what you both think you feel for each other, what can you tell accurately about him, his character or he about yours for that matter? What do you know about each other’s temperament, values and priority in life? Who are his friends and who are yours? What are the things that matter the most to him or you?


These are fundamental issues you both should first clear before bringing in the more serious issue of having a place together. There is no home without an agreement of ideas, temperaments and values. These are necessary things that must be put in place before a relationship can work. In your six months together, beyond getting an accommodation, what else have you both achieved together? With everything happening in your relationship, there is the need for you both to sit down and first discuss your persons.

Focus on your individualities, your upbringings as well as your different experiences before you met. If possible talk about your previous relationships. The essence of this talk, in addition to offering both of you a clean platform to begin, would also give both of you an idea of the experiences you are both bringing, areas of weakness, strength as well as things to avoid if the relationship is to survive.


You must know why he constantly craves your company. Is it because he doesn’t trust you, not secured or out of loneliness? What sort of woman can please him? Would he want you to work in the future or have friends for that matter? What in his past shaped him into this type of man who would keep malice over an incident, which can be resolved amicably? Deep in your heart, what do you feel for this man? Is it love or do you see in him an escape route from all the problems you are going through in the house?

If in just six months you are experiencing this number of differences over matters that appear so mundane, then something appears very wrong. It is clear from what you have said that you don’t have the required understanding to exist as a couple. It is a negative sign that unless both of you make the effort the relationship can’t survive for long. It is also a clarion call that whatever it is you both pride as important isn’t what makes a relationship work else you won’t be having problems at all.

You may have all the various styles of sex but if the right things weren’t placed on the front burner the relationship would expire before it even gets the chance to form its character. When premarital sex is given too much place in a relationship, it weakens the couple from focusing on important aspects of their being together.


This is not to say, the talk would eradicate every problem in your relationship, but some of the issues you are fighting over now would have been a thing of the past. You need tolerance, patience and understanding for any relationship to survive. And unless you know what the challenges are you may never be able to deal with his person.

Despite these challenges, don’t be too hasty in terminating the relationship because every relationship has its turbulent time. The secret of a successful relationship is perseverance and knowledge of the character of the person of your partner. This perseverance enables a couple become good friends first before becoming lovers. However when every step taken to ensure a relationship heads the right direction fails, it is always best to part as friends.

Good luck.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dangers In Inter-racial Marriage Please


Dear Agatha,


The impact of your counselling in the lives of people cannot be over-emphasised, to say the least would be an understatement. My question: what are the dangers, pitfalls that could affect inter-racial marriage in a society like ours, and how workable is it considering the socio cultural differences of the society. Your response would be highly appreciated.

Worried Man.


Dear Worried Man,

The major challenge is usually that of understanding the custom of the other person. It is not just mixed marriages that have this challenge every marriage comes with its fair share of this problem. Being basically from different families, values and outlooks are bound to be different. This is why a profound time of courtship is necessary for couples to understand and appreciate their different upbringings. To succeed, the partners must first appreciate that their differences is desirable to their existence, the reason they are together in the first place.

Diversity makes life all the more interesting since it provides us with the opportunity of learning new things about the world we live. To enjoy a relationship in its total essence is to invest time studying and appreciating your partner. When you love someone, attempts should be made at integrating the essence of that person. There is no way, a relationship can never work without either parties going the extra mile at making it work at all cost.

Usually there are no dangers in any relationship except the ones created by our own limitations and unwillingness to let go of our own values, beliefs and conclusions on issues. If we all come to the point of appreciating that there is nothing or position in life that is static, the many problems we daily inflict on our relationships would not occur at all. That one person does something different from what we are used to doesn’t make it abominable, provided it doesn’t conflict with the laws of God and the land.

If going into an inter-racial marriage, apply the principle of fairness. Be receptive to suggestions because what is right to you may be wrong to the other person’s culture. There is always a point of agreement in every situation that is what couples, irrespective of where they are from, creed or colour should always strive for. Nobody is perfect, mistakes are normal hence must be handled with humility, patience and understanding because the shoe could be on the other leg the next time.

Impatience and stubborn rigidity more often than not is what destroys relationships beyond redemption. If you are honest with your abilities to cope and are equally willing to bend backwards to accommodate your differences, you don’t have much to fear going into this kind of relationship. Committing the relationship to the hands of God is one sure way of making it work despite whatever differences.

Good luck.

I Love Him But…


Dear Agatha,


I am a regular reader of your column. I have this friend who happens to be a Muslim and married with five boys. He has been helping me financially in many ways and I never sensed he was planning to propose to me until he did. But being a Christian and the only daughter of my family, I rejected the proposal. Now he doesn’t care about me anymore and I am really in love with him. Please what can I do? I have nobody to love and care for me. Please help me out. God bless you.

Worried Lady.


Dear Worried Lady,

What sort of Christian are you? In the first instance, is it right to date a married man? When did you know you are the only daughter of the family? The point he asked you to marry him or the time he stopped picking your expenses? How come you did not realise that you are a Christian whose parents would not welcome a Muslim suitor when you were collecting his money? Why do you find it convenient to reject his proposal but not his money?

He has every right to be angry because of your deceptive stance in this matter. If you cannot marry him, then stop accepting his money or his attention. It is not right for you to reject a man based on his religion but very glad to accept his money because you have nobody to care for you. It is obvious that his money and not him is what you are in love with. You are not being fair to the man, your faith or yourself for that matter.

You can either be bold to stand by the choices you have made or remain confused. But be careful that your choices are the right ones to prevent further confusion in life.

Good luck.

After Serial Heartbreaks, My Ex-girls Now Pester Me For Lover


Dear Agatha,


I am 24 years old. I am confused or should I say scared? Maybe it has to do with my upbringing or the fact that I was brought up by women of different age groups, who instilled in me tough moral values. I don’t mean to brag but I am very calmed, sincere and not addicted to any intoxications. I am not a Casanova who believes in a must sex in relationships.

Maybe because of this, I have been heartbroken five times. Because of this I have decided to be alone. But I have gone and fallen in love with this girl who cares greatly about me, but those who broke my heart are coming back to reclaim what they rejected, they call, visit, begging for pardon, saying now they have realised my qualities and how much they miss me.

For almost a month now I can’t concentrate, I have been in hiding and switched off my phone. Even my girl doesn’t know of my whereabouts. I don't want them but these women are so persistent. I love this girl with all my heart and would never hurt her. I would rather slit myself, than to hurt her.

What do you suggest I do? I am afraid because these girls are spoilt kids, used to getting what they want. I don't want my girlfriend to feel I am cheating on her. But why are these girls trying to spoil my joy? Should I tell my girlfriend about these other girls?

Okwy.



Dear Okwy,

The only problem I see here is your inability to take a firm decision. If you say these girls are in your past and that you have a girlfriend who is nothing like any of these girls that broke your heart, why are you giving them audience, hiding like a coward from them?

At 24, you are not exactly too young to face this challenge squarely. The first thing you ought to have done was to have told your girlfriend all about your past. Despite this, it is not too late to start now. Please do so immediately before she finds out from any of these girls or people close to you. By then she will not only be hurt but also be very unreceptive to any excuse you may come up with. Being very honest and display some those moral values you claimed to have been taught is the only way you can prevent her from being hurt as well as having a faultless relationship with you.

Sincerely, you have not displayed the expected will of someone who is in love and does not want to hurt his partner. What you don't know is that by hiding from them you are empowering them to further harass and push you into making a mistake in your current relationship. You leave yourself very vulnerable to them. Get out of your slumber and tell these girls that they have lost their chances, and that you have someone who loves you as much as you love her and would not want to hurt her. Learn to parade your relationship with this new girl to send the signal that you are no longer free to love anyone else. If you don't give them room to interfere in your life, there is no way they would have the right of entry to have their way in your life. If you were firm and resolute not to have anything to do with them, they would back off.

So, the next time any of them calls, accept their call and make it clear that you are no longer interested in them. Tell them you would appreciate if they don’t bother you again with demands to renew your relationship with them. Tell them you appreciate their call but expect them to respect your privacy. However, don't assume these girls were all wrong. Look at yourself in a way you have never bothered to, because somewhere deep down, no matter how good we think we are, we all have one or more deficiencies, sometimes too much for those around us to tolerate. Therefore it would be absolutely wrong to think you are the victim in all these botched relationships.

Your major problem could be arrogance, which a lot of girls find very irritating and presumptuous. From the tone of your letter, I detect a measure of this arrogance, which not many young girls have the temperament to tolerate. This is an area you should work on to avoid a situation where even the woman you love the most would simply walk out on you. It is important you realise relationships are about compromises.

It should be noted that not all relationships should end on a bitter note. There are quite a number of ex partners who have remained good and beneficial friends after deciding to go their separate ways.Learn to go to God in prayers for a more rewarding relationship.

Good luck.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

After Two Kids From Two Women, He's Still Skirt-crazy


Dear Agatha,


I am in severe dilemma over what to do about the development in my relationship.

I am a 22-year-old girl in a relationship with a 38-year-old guy. We have dated for close to seven years now. My first question is on whether the age difference between us is okay?

The guy in question is not what I will term bad because he has a nice heart but I don't understand him.

He has kids from two women. It was only recently I got to know about the existence of the first child. When I asked why he didn't tell me about her from the beginning he said it was only recently that court granted him limited custody of the child.

When I asked about the child's mother, he said they weren't together, the same with the mother of his second child. He said the mother of his second child being a Muslim he didn't get the blessings of her family to marry him because he is a Christian. The girl stays with his sister.

The challenge now is that he is always having girls around him. Each time I check his phone, there is always a message from a girl, which gets me upset most of the time.

When I confront him on these messages, he either denies knowledge of them or says they mean nothing. Sometimes he tells me to ignore them, as I am his prime interest while on other times too he begins a defence of his relationship with them. He ends up apologising to me.

What he does of late is to delete the messages. I though he had changed going by his recent behaviour but to my dismay, I found out I was very wrong from the target.

This I found out when I went to his house. On getting there while making the bed I discovered a fresh male sperm on the bed-sheet. It was obvious what he had been up to behind me.

I was so angry I left his house but controlled it sufficiently by sending him a text asking if he was truly happy being with me. When he didn't reply, I called him; we talked briefly and he didn't make mention of the text message I sent him. He terminated the call hastily with excuses of wanting to take another call on hold. Minutes later, he called back only for me to hear him talking with another girl in the background.

I was so angry, I called back to ask for the identity of the girl he was talking to only to tell me he wasn't in the mood for my question. He also asked if I heard him making love to the girl on the phone.

I didn't say anything in response. Till date he hasn't called to explain anything to me knowing I would be upset.

Agatha, I don't know what to do. I love this guy very much but I am beginning to consider my options. I am not sure any more about this relationship going by his attitude.

For the seven years we have been together, I have never strayed despite the temptation provided with the number of male admirers. There is this guy who has been on my trail for more than two years begging for my attention. He has done everything humanly possible to get me but because of the strong love I have for my boyfriend I refused to consider him. Now see what do I get in return for my faithfulness?

Agatha, I want to know if this relationship is viable because I am beginning to lose interest.

Naomi.


Dear Naomi,

Unless this man is ready to settle down, there is little or nothing you can do to make him change his mind. You may be his longest girlfriend but his mind isn't made up about what he wants from you or the many women he surrounds himself with.

You have a choice of either accepting him for who he is or walk away from it all.

Agreeing to stay means you have to learn to be extra tolerant and appreciative of the peculiarities of his nature, the side of him that is in love with women, and see nothing wrong in his way of life. The naked truth is while we all strive for partners that are absolutely faithful to us, not everyone is built to remain faithful to one partner. If you decide to stay, the sacrifices would be more on your path. It means drawing from a deep reservoir of strength, patience, and friendship to calm him down as the years roll over. At this stage, unless God intervenes, there is little you can do to make him change his mind or ways of life. To insist is to alienate yourself from him as it is already happening. Currently, he is like a young teenager angling for the freedom to follow his or her heart. To attempt to curtail this freedom is to court mutiny.

Until your man's interest in women expires, if you must stay with him, learn to ignore this side of him and his many indiscretions.

The fact that you have stayed with him for seven years shows that the relationship has its fulfilling moments, that in his twisted way, he cares for you. Granted your definition of care and respect are two distant poles apart, there is, however, a special bond that has kept you two going for this length of time.

But it is a choice you must prepare yourself for, both emotionally and psychologically, because it can drain you totally. It means at all times you should be prepared for the worst and to pray ceaselessly.

It also entails you looking deeper than the vexing issue of the girls to his other strong qualities, the type that is rare in all the men that have come your way so far. Importantly, think of what you would miss the most and if down the road, this habit you find so objectionable now would still matter as it is to you now.

However, don't stay a moment longer if you know you cannot cope with it anymore. Don't pretend about your strength or ability to cope because you will eventually buckle under the strain of the psychological turmoil of watching other women dance around your man.

At this stage, it is in your interest to be ruthlessly honest with yourself than opt for the option you would forever regret.

At this important crossroad, go to God in absolute prayers and total submission to His will for you. If God says go, listen, because He has a reason, but if He tells you to pull out, do it without questioning Him.

Good luck.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I’m Cute, Sociable Yet Lonely Without Woman


Dear Agatha,


Please help me because loneliness is closing in on me. I need a girl of my own. At 23, I have never dated a woman. Each time I express my feelings to a girl, she either tells me she is in relationship or not interested.

I am currently a medical student. Without being immodest, I am handsome, kind, honest, gentle and God fearing. It isn’t as if I am shy or don’t know what to say but I am perplexed at the attitude of all the ladies I have approached for a relationship. It isn’t as if I have a social problem of body or mouth odour. So what is wrong?

O.B.


Dear O.B.,

What you think are the right words, may actually be the wrong things, to tell a woman you are meeting for the first time. Most women don’t appreciate being told by a man that he loves her on the first day of meeting.

It sounds insulting and completely insincere. The first question that pops up in her mind is what do you know about me to warrant your falling in love with me? In the mind of a woman, that statement translates to I want your body.

Granted, women are crafted by God to look appealing, but behind those attracted lines are brain and feelings. Not a woman likes to be placed on a slaughter slab on the first day of meeting. She wants to be appreciated for who she is and not how she looks. This explains why a lot of promising relationships are stillborn, thwarted by the man’s insensitivity to the woman’s feelings and sense of self-respect.

Most men would find it easier dealing with women if they stick to offer of friendship from the beginning. It takes more than the attraction of a man to bring about a relationship. It involves the two of them hence men should learn to treat relationship with more seriousness than most men currently do. A woman’s feeling isn’t a tap that can be turned on and off at the instance of a man.

Whereas, giving her time to know who the man is, as well as explore her feelings too, towards him through friendship, offers a sincere and realistic platform for both of them to move further.

Sit back and try to review the common trends in your approaches. Do you put the cart before the horse or the horse before the cart?

When next you see a woman, strive for friendship, appreciate that she is a human being who has feelings too. Get to know her first before telling her of your interest. Remember, she isn’t an abstract but a woman who has blood and water flowing in her veins hence must be treated with every respect she deserves.

Get to know the person behind the image before offering her love.

Good luck.

Wish My Lecturer Lover Looks Beyond His Belief On Woman From My Tribe


Dear Agatha,


I have a lecturer I’m close to. We are both from Delta State. He is Urhobo I’m Isoko. While he was still young, an Isoko woman almost destroy their family hence developed an aversion for women from that area.

Currently, he is trying to recover from heartbreak over a relationship that lasted six years.

Although we are just friends now, the truth is that I want more from this relationship. I want us to end up as a couple even though he is 13 years older.

I don’t know if my being from the area he doesn’t want to have anything to do with would hamper our being together. Could that be why he wants just friendship from me?

I need a solution to my problem.

Worried Woman.


Dear Worried Woman,

As a friend what have you done to change his perception of people from that area? How have you help influenced him positively? You don’t have to wait to be his partner to make him change his mind about you and people from your area.

It took one woman’s effort to make him dislike your people, posterity has placed you in his life to help him heal from that hatred he has nursed deep in his heart from when he was young and tender. He has to let go for him to move forward, for him to discover his full potentials as a man and trust a woman fully.

That a six-year-old relationship went underground shows a flaw somewhere. While his ex may have her faults, the truth is your man has something against women generally flowing from his memory of that time. Deep down he hasn’t been able to flush out completely the negative effects of that woman’s intrusion into their family.

Though the family may have survived that experience but the scars will never disappear. For him the scars are too deep to be ignored. As his friend, make it your business to know how deep this scar is and how its ugliness fade away.

Encourage him to talk freely and point him at the inevitable truth that the world is filled with two tribes of people, the good and the bad. This woman could have come from his own tribe, within his family. It just happens that she came from another place, which doesn’t mean everyone from her place is liable for what she did to his family.

And she couldn’t have done it alone without home support from within. If he is not holding the person inside his own family responsible, then gently ask him if it is fair to hold an entire people responsible for one woman’s sin?

Be careful, when doing this, he doesn’t have any inkling about your feelings for him. He has to continue to see you as his friend until he has the confidence to move out of the shell he has imprisoned his heart for so long. Chances are that he also feels something for you but is blinded by the intensity of hatred he has built deep in his heart over the years.

Helping him deal with his past clears the future of a lot of debris, filth that for now is blanketing his life in drab colours. Under your subtle guidance and open friendship, he will definitely come out of it with joy and a renewed freshness to want to live again.

The truth is that his sentiment goes deeper than this woman from Isoko. It is something that has affected the way he views women generally. He may not know it hence limiting it to this woman from his past but by helping him talk openly about it, he will be able to go back into that past, to see things through the eyes of an adult and no longer from the eyes of a child. It is a psychological thing and until he has the understanding of an adult of the issues that brought about those situations back then, he will never be able to really let go. This is your job as his friend and one aspiring to share in his life. As the age differences, provided both of you can deal with it, especially you, nothing is wrong with it.

Importantly, learn not to rush things between the two of you. A step a day would get you closer to the ideal God has prepared for you. If this man is yours, nobody or situation can deny you of his love and happiness. Stand on the promise of God for you.

Good luck.

Monday, July 20, 2009

She's In Love But Can't Adapt To Village Life


Dear Agatha,

Ever since I stumbled on your column in the Daily Independent Newspaper, I have made it my daily column in the tabloids. You are indeed a blessing to our generation. I pray the Almighty God will continue to strengthen you to do the good works you have been doing. I want also to thank you for the wonderful advice you gave me in my earlier complaint as well as how you have been proffering solutions to the problems of teeming Nigerians and others alike. Please do justice to this pressing problem about to consume me.

I am a 32-year-old male that has been longing to settle down even before now. Unfortunately I have not been able to find a suitable partner for myself because most of the girls that come my way are those that are given to sexual immorality, a thing I don,t want to indulge myself in. This is as a result of the religious cum health implications of involving in pre-marital sex.

However, I recently stumbled on a girl I met through the Internet. She actually caught my fancy as a result of her beliefs that seem to tally with mine. We have been talking and everything, going on well culminating in her coming to visit me in the north.

She is Ibo while I am from the Niger Delta. The major occupation of my people is farming while the major sources of water supply are the streams and rivers.

These streams and rivers provide our entire supply of water from drinking, washing and bathing.

However, my friend is from an area where, according to her, there are no farming, no streams and rivers. As such she sees it as a taboo for one to go to the stream or river to fetch water let alone wash clothes or take baths in.

This is almost tearing us apart because in my opinion we can,t remain in the city forever. Moreover we have to travel from time to time to the village on special occasions. So during these periods what will happen? Does my wife stay at home while I go to the stream and fetch water for her to bath as well do all the domestic works? Or is it my aged mother that will do that for her? As it stands, my mother is the only one at home, as all my other siblings are married or away from home.

Agatha, my supposed wife does not see any reason going to the stream to fetch water, wash clothes or even take her bath. Several pleas from me to change her opinion didn,t yield any results. Besides she doesn,t see anything wrong with her visiting my home and staying at home while my mother goes to the farm or fetch water alone.

This is my ordeal. Please tell me what to do because I loved this girl dearly. She has every other thing I need in my woman but this one challenging. I am really confused. Do I go ahead with the relationship or quit?

Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.

Worried Bachelor.


Dear Worried Bachelor,

It is indeed a complex situation but not insurmountable. What you two need is time to reflect on your relationship as well as your differences.

Meeting through the Internet on its own has its disadvantages because beyond the information you both exchange, there is no personal interaction involved. Even if a relationship was started at that impersonal level, you both need the advantage of getting to know each other outside the Internet to move forward. It is called the verification period in relationships that have their origin in Internet courtship or other impersonal ways.

Therefore before you can claim to be in proper relationship, enough time has to be created for both of you to get to know each other properly beyond the information you both exchanged. This is against the background that whatever volume of information both of you may have exchanged on the Internet; none can be as authentic as the one your ways as well attitudes communicate when there is physical interaction.

As you have found out, the bit about not willing to adjust to your way of life or attitude to your mother wasn,t included on the information she gave you. Besides, anybody can claim to be anything on paper or Internet, what, however, counts is who the person really is at the end of the day.

Who is this woman you are contemplating spending your life with and who are you for that matter? All the challenges you are experiencing can be dealt with if you both have the right attitude and appreciate the relationship you have.

To live your mother to do the housework for her is wrong no matter her reservations. Even if she finds the way of life strange, a willing woman ready to give the relationship a chance to grow would still have gone out of her way to adjust. Leaving your mother to fetch water for her from the source she finds objectionable and cook from the produce of the farm she thinks is beneath her level doesn,t show a woman with good upbringing. Even if she can,t bring herself to wash her body and clothes from the water, doesn,t she eat the food cooked from the water or doesn,t she also go hungry while visiting?

Sincerely, her refusal to wash her body and clothes are simply excuses to cover her habits. If your mother were hers, would she sit at home while her mother goes to the farm and fetch water?

There is no community in Nigeria that began with pipe borne water or doesn,t have culture of farming. Despite attempts by various state governments to develop rural areas, a lot of people are still dependent on streams and river to supply their daily need of water.

And even if she grew up in the city, she cannot claim not to know that farming is part of the African culture.

For this reason look more at her behaviour because there is always a time in marriage or relationship when love isn,t enough to swallow up major differences.

Judging from her current attitude, do you think she has what it takes to endure hardship with you in case of financial challenges in future?

A man or woman who mortgages his or her heritage may find huge disappointment waiting in the future. Is that what you want? Always remember, we are all part of a past, which makes the present and future both our responsibility as well as concern. Your major concern should be what sort of happiness and respect would this woman accord you and your family?

For now, it is important you both give each other time to sort out your differences to avoid too much regrets later in life.

Good luck.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Lonely Hearts



Dear Agatha,

It will be my pleasure if I can get to meet my ideal woman through your column.

I am a young guy of 27 staying in Lagos. I am really in need of a girl in my life for a serious relationship. She should be between ages 18 and 25 years. She must be lovely and responsible as well come from any tribe in the country.

Interested girl can call me through my private number 08024427728.



Dear Agatha,

I like how you treat people’s cases. I would like you to help me out. I am a graduate and desperately in need of a partner. I will be happy if you help me out. For an woman interested, this is the number to reach me; 0702374501.

Emarson.

Help Vicious Circle Runs In My Family


Dear Agatha.


I thank you for your effort concerning both the old and young in this country and the great job you are doing for the society.

Agatha, I have a big problem and I don’t know what to do. My mother was never married to my father. They met in school and had me. When I was 16, I got pregnant for this guy. I had two children by him. During my second pregnancy, he impregnated another lady.

As a result, we now live apart. The most painful thing is he took my one-year old son to his father in his village in Anang, Ikot Ekpene. Because I was still breastfeeding the baby at the time he took it away, the baby refused to eat and it became sick. The baby eventually died in their village. I wasn’t told. I only learned about it through my cousin when I travelled to my hometown.

Agatha, at just 18, my life seems to have stopped. Even though one of my children is dead, I am a mother two times over.

I don’t know what to do. I seem to be toeing my mother’s footsteps, but the difference between my mother and I is that she has my brother and I as compensation.

Agatha, what is happening to us?

Princess.



Dear Princess,

Your mother is the cause of all that is happening to you. Having gone through the experience of single motherhood, she should have done everything humanly possible to prevent her own daughter from doing the same. She should have protected you from the same situations and vices that made her have you and your brother outside wedlock and at the age she did.

She certainly failed in her duties towards you. Being a girl, she should have sat you down when she noticed the changes in your body to tell you about the danger of going all the way with a man. At 16, when you became pregnant with your first child, you had no business sleeping with men.

Even if the first pregnancy was a mistake, she should have ensured the second one didn’t happen by giving you all the love, care and attention you needed to bounce back from the first mistake. Had she offered to take the child, encouraged you to go back to school or whatever it was that you were doing before you got pregnant, this unpleasant situation in your life could have been avoided.

However it is never too late to pick up the shattered pieces of your life if you so wish. We all make mistakes in life but the difference between success and failure is our ability to transform the mistake into strength. There is no greater teacher or drive than experience.

From the ashes of your nasty and unpleasant experiences, you now have the drive you never had to make something meaningful out of this life. Even if life seems a bit of a mess now, the experience must have left you more determined to avoid the mistakes of your mother and the ones you made. You now know how to protect a daughter from falling from grace to grass if you are sensible and a good student of history.

From your mistakes, you now know when to demonstrate love, care and attention to your child. You now know it is the duty of mothers to set standards for their children especially their daughters. That no matter the difficult situation a mother finds herself, it is incumbent on a woman to set the standards for her daughters and to always protect their ways with prayers.

Since you have realised that something is wrong with the way your mother brought you up and that you are suffering this problem because of her mistakes, seek the face of God immediately to break the curse your mother has invited into your family. Ask God to direct you to a powerful deliverance minister of God who would help you stop it from being a foundational problem among your daughters.

Losing a child is one of the worst experiences a woman can go through. It is painful and agonising but there is nothing you can do to bring back that child. What has happened has, you can’t change that. From now, be determined to give your surviving child the best. Go and get a job to support yourself and the child. Ensure the child is
protected from all the negative exposures you experienced. Instill in the child the ways of the Lord and make the Bible his or her best book.

The danger of allowing this situation overwhelm you is, you may never be able to rise again. So be strong for yourself and your surviving child. Trust God not to allow what befell you happen again in your lineage.

If there is a way you can help your mother realise her mistake, don’t hesitate. And please don’t hold any grudge against her. You just have to find it within you to forgive her and put the all the mistakes of the past behind you if you really want to be rid of these problems. You don’t walk with God with bitterness in your heart and life.

Always remember that you went though what happened for a reason. God never allows things happen to use without His own reason. Lean and learn from Him always.

Good luck.