Dear Agatha,
I write to you as an old man contemplating marriage a second time to a woman who is in her late 40s. I am in my 60s. She is one woman who is confident and extremely industrious. Apart from her beauty, things she has which the other women I have met so far don’t have are sincerity, intelligence and integrity.
She is too much of a woman to care about the naughty things men get up to. But I guess these are the very things that are scary about her person. As a young man, I would have been scared out of my wits by her, but having been married for almost three and a half decades, I feel more confident as a man to handle her.
However, there is something that is still scary about her; she seems unperturbed by my deliberate refusal to offer her any form of financial assistance even when I am aware she is going through crisis.
It is such a funny feeling not to be needed by a lady. She totally ignores my financial assistance so much that I am beginning to wonder if she has someone else in her life who is meeting all her financial obligations. I had truly expected her to come begging me for money, but rather than do that, she has ignored me going about her life as if there is no man in her life.
Sometime ago, I told her to forward to me a list of the food she likes as well as the schools her children attend. Not only did she tell me she wasn’t into submitting a list of requirement to a man, she said if I intended helping her, I should send whatever I could afford.
I have never met a woman like her because I am used to women depending on the choices I make for them, running and courting me. She is the opposite of them all, including my late wife. I really want and love her, but how do I manage this woman? How do I make her depend on me? I truly commend your wisdom and would have been fooled into thinking you are an old woman if not for the photograph of yours on this column as well as that on your blogspot.
Old Man.
Dear Old Man,
Thanks for the compliments.
At almost 50, you can’t change her from who she is into someone you want, just as she cannot make you do things you don’t want to do. You are both at the age of tolerance and understanding that marriage does not mean change but a willingness of the two parties to work together despite all odds.
From now, you have to learn to respect her as well as accept the fact that before you came along, she had her life properly mapped out.
She may not feel any compelling reason to ask you for financial assistance particularly if on your own, you know she has need of it. Since you are unwilling to offer help, she may have decided to ignore you and continue functioning in the mode she functioned before you came into her life.
If she has children, it means she is used to responsibilities and must have managed beautifully well for you to notice the qualities that make her stand out.
You will understand her better if you take out time to know about her past more intimately. A lot of your understanding of her disposition would come from your knowing how long she has been on her own as well as the role the father of her children is playing in the lives of those children. If divorced or widowed, how long? What challenges did she go through to make her the kind of person she is today? Often, the experiences we pass through in life shape our being. You have to know all these facts to know how to manage her and understand her mindset. Her experiences may have taught her to be self-dependent to the exclusion of any man in her life. In this case, appreciate it isn’t a personal thing but a wall she has erected around herself to protect herself and children from the consequences of emotionally influenced decisions.
When a woman is used to being on the driver’s seat for too long a time, the way a man handles such a woman would be different from the way he would handle one who has depended on a man all her life. She perhaps didn’t think it necessary to give you any list believing if you are actually interested in offering her some form of financial assistance, you will surprise her by bringing the essential food items to her house. Food isn’t clothes that you need to worry about like what her taste would be. Food is essential and there are basic ones that are universal; just as provisions too are. If she doesn’t eat them, her children will. There will always be someone in her house who would.
These kinds of women are often moved by such thoughtful surprises. Asking her to furnish you with a list is begging the issue and calls to question your intentions. Next time, surprise her. If in doubt, stick to rice, fish, palm oil and vegetable oil. These are items no woman can do without in her kitchen.
You can get to know the schools the children attend by subtle enquiry. Ask her directly; get to meet with them first through telephone conversation before offering to accompany their mother to visit them. This way, you make it clear to her that you intend to feature in the lives of her children along with hers. Once you get to meet them, going to them alone won’t be a major problem because by then you would have a clear picture of the role of their father in their lives as well as the disposition of the children to your relationship with their mother.
Managing this kind of woman isn’t as tough as you may think. Simply by learning to trust and give her the encouragements she needs is the only way to elicit respect from her. You have to learn to appreciate her first to get the best from her. If you insist on treating her like all the women you have met, you risk losing her respect and love.
Good luck.
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