Dear Agatha,
I hate my fiancÈ's family and that hatred is hampering our love. What should I do?
Worried Fiancee.
Dear Worried FiancÈe,
Hate? I can identify with the word dislike. But to say you hate them? That is a very strong word to describe your feelings towards your would-be in-laws. Do you understand the import of the word hate at all? It means given the opportunity to kill any of them, you would! I am sure killing any of them isn't your intention.
You describe their son as your fiancÈ? Are you serious about marrying into this family? There is no way you can love their son and hate them (his family). You either learn to love them as you love their son or forget about marrying their son because you would eventually force your man to make the choice of choosing between you and his family.
Besides, whatever you hate about his family is also in him. You cannot divorce that thing from the person you claim to love. Your subconscious self is refusing to recognise that thing you hate so much about his family members because you love him.
This is because true love covers a multitude of sins, makes perfect that which is imperfect. Your love for this man has made him very perfect in your opinion. Therefore if you learn to love his family as much as you love him, whatever may be their fault, it would cease to matter to you.
Perfection is what true love brings into the lives of those it visits. You have it within your power to make this visitor permanent or exit your life the way it came. If you insist on loving only your man and hating his family, very soon you would find yourself all alone in the most distant corner of your husband's heart because the choice you will be forcing him to make would be one against his own identity and essence of being.
And when a man is forced to make the choice of his heart and his family, the woman in his life leaves him with very little choice but to follow the people he is familiar with, the people he grew up with, and known all his life.
Don't even make him think about this choice let alone make it because you would be the eventual loser.
Besides, if you love this man you would learn from this early beginning how to love everything about him. Just as your family is an integral part of you so also his family is important to him.
He lives in his family, just as you in yours.
A marriage doesn't strive on the interest of the two people involved only. It goes beyond them and extends to all the others involved.
There is no way your hatred would not affect your relationship because the feeling of love or hatred is powerful and can be felt by the person you have the feelings for. You risk not only destroying your relationship with this man but also creating severe problems for you later in your marriage.
No matter how deep your love for each other is now, a point would always come when you would need the support of someone in his family to kick-start your relationship with your man again.
Besides, having gone through the training of his family, you would always need an insider to give you valuable clues to his person, likes and dislikes.
You will always need help from within to keep him happy and by implication you too as well. You can only be said to enjoy your marriage if your partner is happy.
Besides, how would you feel if this man reciprocates your feelings for his family for yours? Would you be able to endure him loving you and hating your family at the same time? Would you be able to trust the person who claims to love you but finds it possible to hate those who are important to you? How would you feel?
What offence did his family commit to warrant your hatred for them? Look within your family, isn't it also guilty of the same crime? What about you, do you think you are perfect? How many times have you condemned your family for its shortcomings? How would you react if any of your brother's wives display this attitude you are putting up towards your own family?
If you truly love this man you would be able to forgive his family of any sin. Your position in his life is to reconcile him with his family in the event of a major disagreement not distant him from them.
Your position as his fiancÈ goes beyond being an ordinary girlfriend; you are almost his wife, a position that demands your constructive contribution to his life and welfare.
If the differences between you and his family are fundamental, discuss them with him as sincerely and objectively as you can. If he refuses to listen the first time, try again until he appreciates the inherent danger to you both in the future.
There is no way he would at first listen to you because when it comes to the issues of our families, we are all very sensitive. Your differences with them require wisdom to tackle without rocking the boat of your unity and happiness.
Remember, these are people you will have to live with all the rest of your lives hence cannot afford to rub them too hard on the wrong side.
Besides, since you would one day grow up to be an in-law to some persons, care must be taken on the type of seed you plant today because whether you like it or not, the fruit would grow, mature and be ready for harvest. There is no way you would harvest respect, love in place of the disrespect and hatred you are planting now.
It is for days like this you must reconsider whatever your would-be-in-laws have done to you and learns to love them unconditionally.
There is no way you can learn about their good qualities or them yours if you continue in your determination to erect this wall of hatred between you and them. It would always be a barrier, which even your children would find difficult to break down.
It would affect the way they treat your children, respond to them even in situations of rallying family support for them. The world is a very fragile place where anything and everything can happen within a twinkling of an eye. God gave us our families to be our shield, protector as well as support base in times like that.
With plenty of love in your heart you will overcome whatever challenge comes from two different people coming to make a home together.
You don't make enemies of your in-laws and expect to be happy with their child.
Whatever the problem is, once you make up your mind to let go and commit it to God, it will work.
Good luck.
Posts
