Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My wife is the problem in my life. With three children between us, our marriage is loveless. She is greedy and cannot be trusted with money. She is also troublesome. I just feel sorry for the children.
Worried Husband.
Dear Worried Husband,
How did you two get to this stage? Surely those children couldn’t have happened in hate, they must be products of love between two people who care about each other.
Although, you didn’t tell me how long you have been married, chances are that you are both going through the thorny years of marriage, when a couple think they have made a mistake in the choice of who to share their lives with.
Because of the shattered dreams, your mind is blocking off any attempt to remember those wonderful nascent years. From my own experiences, I know how difficult it can be for couples going through severe challenges in their marriage to recall anything positive about their spouses.
It is never easy to overcome a problematic marriage but that is not to say it cannot be done if both parties let go of the bitter disappointment and make a strong effort to change things.
Your disappointment could also be a function of your inabilities to study each other during your courtship years. A lot of dating couples limit their knowledge of their partners’ attitudes and qualities to only their dating years. They neglect to factor into their relationship those enduring qualities and dreams that would guarantee them happiness in their marriage.
What were your expectations of the woman who would end up answering your name and bearing your children? Did you ever have one and if you did, how did they apply to your wife when you met and married her?
At what point in your marriage did these dreams become nightmares? What were your contributions to the problems? Human nature makes it very easy to find faults in other people, neglecting our own contributions to the problem. Just like it takes two to tango, it takes two to destroy something very beautiful.
Did you measure up to her expectations, meeting her own dreams of an ideal husband? Yes, you may not be able to trust her with money, but are you giving her the chance to exercise her authority as an adult or do you police how she spends every kobo you give her? Do you give her the freedom to exist as your second in command at home or do you treat her opinion and actions as inferior?
What areas is she spending too much money? How come you think she cannot be trusted with money? Is it with the housekeeping money you cannot trust her? Is she stealing your money? Is it with her money? Where and what do you think she is spending the money on?
To be frank, there is no woman who doesn’t take advantage of her husband’s money either with or without his consent. Women generally believe that they have unrestricted access to their husband’s money and take the liberty of taking whenever they come across their husband’s money. Some go to the ridiculous extent of spending money meant for house-keeping on clothes and other things.
On whether it is right or wrong, isn’t the issue here. The issue is, it isn’t peculiar to your woman. To condemn her for it is to classify the majority of women as thieves. Granted a woman should ask permission before taking her husband’s money but we all know that in most homes, it isn’t practicable. Most women don’t feel they should ask permission before spending their husband’s money. If you think otherwise, let her know precisely how you feel about her attitude to money.
You can teach her to submit to your ways by not nagging or shouting over it. Be careful you don’t allow her escape with the impression that you are stingy because that is where the problem of stubbornness, suspicion and differences usually come from. When a woman has the impression that her husband doesn’t want her to take his money, she begins to suspect him of having affairs on the side. The thought of another woman having all the opportunities of spending her husband’s money while she is placed under ban brings out the green-eyed monster in her and before you know it, she begins to nag and misbehave.
Check your own contributions to the problems in your home. Admit yours and gently point her to hers. For the sake of those children, you both must learn to shift grounds because posterity won’t forgive both of you if you allow challenges that can be solved if there is the will and sincerity tamper with the peace of mind of these children.
There is a lot of wisdom in the old ways, which forbids a man from reacting to every thing a woman does. Sometimes, laughing at her and being friendly when she tries to quarrel could avert a major upset in the home.
Take a trip down memory lane to the first time you met her, to your wedding day and night, to the first time you held your first child, to those early days when you could not stop whispering sweet nothing into each other’s ears.
Follow this trip with a new determination to make your marriage work no matter what it cost you in time and pride. One of you must make the sacrifice to ensure those children remain happy.
Invite God into your marriage. Remember He didn’t say it would be problem free but He has promised His grace which in times of need is more than enough. This woman may appear to be very bad now but I can assure you, the next woman might be worse because nobody is perfect.
Marriage becomes enviable only if we invest into it.
Good luck.
Monday, June 20, 2011
She’s pregnant for me, but I don’t love her
Agatha Edo, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I have a very serious problem to share with you following the kind of solutions you have been giving to people.
Agatha, my girlfriend whom I have dated for over four years got pregnant for me recently. I am really bothered about this development because I don’t have a well paid job.
Besides, I have recently found another woman whom I really love. Please advice me on what to do. Should I marry because of sentiment or because of love?.
Akpan Asuquo.
Dear Akpan Asuquo,
People should marry for love not for sentiment but not when that supposed love is flawed with so many inconsistencies.
If you are complaining of not having enough money to care for your unborn baby and mother, where would the money come from to execute this new relationship? Even if this new lady is the one with all the money, there is no way you would not be required to spend some money at one time or the other.
At what point did you discover you are not so much in love with your pregnant girlfriend? After she got pregnant and you discovered the responsibilities that come with having a baby and a woman to care for?
What happens if this new woman gets pregnant, leave her alone to care for the baby while you find another woman to love?
No, it isn’t fair. Nobody is saying you must marry this girl but good sense and justice demand that you give her all your support at this critical time of her life. It is the least you can do for a woman you have slept with for four years and who is carrying the results of those pleasurable moments you both shared. She doesn’t need this treatment now, no matter what she has done wrong or whatever feelings you have for this other woman.
Don’t forget the child she carries once out is more of yours than hers. That child, apart from being your first, would carry your name till eternity. If you start maltreating the mother from this stage on account of her being pregnant with your child, what hopes does the child have of you caring for his education and needs?
The ideal thing to do is to sit down with your girlfriend and discuss the way forward. If you cannot marry her, let her know even though it beats my imagination that you are only discovering you cannot marry her after she got pregnant. At least let her know why you don’t think she is good enough for you anymore.
Also discuss the support you would give to her after the baby comes.
The right thing, no matter what you both agree to is to wait around her until the baby is born. If the other woman is the one you prefer at the end of the day, just make sure you are going for her because of love and not due to fear of responsibility.
A man who is afraid of responsibility lacks the moral grounds to be counted as a man when a census of men is being taken. It is not the biological features only that counts but the fearlessness of a man to own up to his responsibilities always.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I have a very serious problem to share with you following the kind of solutions you have been giving to people.
Agatha, my girlfriend whom I have dated for over four years got pregnant for me recently. I am really bothered about this development because I don’t have a well paid job.
Besides, I have recently found another woman whom I really love. Please advice me on what to do. Should I marry because of sentiment or because of love?.
Akpan Asuquo.
Dear Akpan Asuquo,
People should marry for love not for sentiment but not when that supposed love is flawed with so many inconsistencies.
If you are complaining of not having enough money to care for your unborn baby and mother, where would the money come from to execute this new relationship? Even if this new lady is the one with all the money, there is no way you would not be required to spend some money at one time or the other.
At what point did you discover you are not so much in love with your pregnant girlfriend? After she got pregnant and you discovered the responsibilities that come with having a baby and a woman to care for?
What happens if this new woman gets pregnant, leave her alone to care for the baby while you find another woman to love?
No, it isn’t fair. Nobody is saying you must marry this girl but good sense and justice demand that you give her all your support at this critical time of her life. It is the least you can do for a woman you have slept with for four years and who is carrying the results of those pleasurable moments you both shared. She doesn’t need this treatment now, no matter what she has done wrong or whatever feelings you have for this other woman.
Don’t forget the child she carries once out is more of yours than hers. That child, apart from being your first, would carry your name till eternity. If you start maltreating the mother from this stage on account of her being pregnant with your child, what hopes does the child have of you caring for his education and needs?
The ideal thing to do is to sit down with your girlfriend and discuss the way forward. If you cannot marry her, let her know even though it beats my imagination that you are only discovering you cannot marry her after she got pregnant. At least let her know why you don’t think she is good enough for you anymore.
Also discuss the support you would give to her after the baby comes.
The right thing, no matter what you both agree to is to wait around her until the baby is born. If the other woman is the one you prefer at the end of the day, just make sure you are going for her because of love and not due to fear of responsibility.
A man who is afraid of responsibility lacks the moral grounds to be counted as a man when a census of men is being taken. It is not the biological features only that counts but the fearlessness of a man to own up to his responsibilities always.
Good luck.
Can she remain faithful while I’m abroad?
Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I must say you are an instrument of God. Thank you for your great honesty.
I am 27 years of age. I currently have this problem with my fiancée.
In the first place there is no denying the fact that we are both in love with each other but since I have the desire to travel abroad without her, I am scared about losing her.
This is because I am not her first lover. What do you think I should do to manage this situation without losing her to another man?
Do you think a blood engagement can help?
Since meeting her, I have never cheated on her or thought of looking at another woman. How do I know if she is my wife?
Agatha, I keep having this feeling she may cheat on me while I am out of the country, what can I do to stop her from cheating on me? I love her so much. Finally, I can do whatever she wants. Please am I doing the right thing?
Confused Man
Dear Confused Man,
Trust is the basis for the success of every relationship. Without it, there is nothing anybody can do. You must learn to trust her, no matter what you feel especially if she hasn’t given you any reason to distrust her.
Not being her first lover doesn’t make her less of a person to be trusted. You knew she wasn’t a virgin when you met her, so you must learn to live with that knowledge no matter the situation you both find yourselves in.
Being a virgin doesn’t automatically confer the status of trust on a woman, what does is her conduct and commitment to her partner at any given time.
For you to be so in love with her, she must have some outstanding qualities you cannot afford to miss.
Trust isn’t built in a day, it takes a while and this is derived from behavioural pattern of a particular person. In all your time with her, think as objectively as possible, has she ever given you any reason to doubt her, suspect her of being incapable of staying faithful to you while you are away?
Jealousy is a very dangerous emotion. She would feel very hurt and miserable if she finds out that you don’t trust her to be responsible while you are away in a foreign land and that you even suspect her of being incapable of remaining faithful to you.
However, to give you the assurance you need to live a stress free life, call her to discuss your fears and anxiety with her. Be careful not to give her the impression you don’t trust her at all because it could make her undergo severe pressure from men or her family do something she would ordinarily not do; whereas if she is secured in your trust you would equally do anything to defend that trust.
What do you mean by blood engagement? Are you talking about blood covenant? Sincerely, it isn’t worth it, because the spiritual implications are usually not favourable. The attendant spiritual complication is always too severe at the end of the day especially if both of you end up with other partners.
Blood engagement or covenant is also an evidence of insecurity and lack of trust. It is akin to forcing each other to stay in a relationship against one’s will, having a relationship under duress. This should arise where there is trust and security.
One way you can get her to remain faithful to you and you to her is for both of you to fuse unconditional friendship into your relationship. To do this, de-emphasise sex. You are jittery of leaving her behind because you think she cannot stay without sex. If both of you had from the beginning founded your relationship on enduring qualities like friendship, tolerance and understanding what is really required to make a relationship happy, this morbid fears you are nursing would not have been.
Unless you have an idea of what you want from life, learn to pay attention to those qualities you know would give you endless happiness in a woman, you may never know if she is your wife or not. To know if she is the right one for you, you must begin the appraisal from your own end. What do you understand by love? Is it for you the same thing as having fulfilling sex with a pretty woman? Is physical beauty for you the only thing that your ideal woman must have? What do you understand by inner beauty, which envelops humility, respects loyalty, tolerance, support, care, believes in you, responsibility, understanding, faith in the relationship and selflessness? These are all the things that give birth to friendship, which brings out the inner treasures in a person.
Without you having full grasp of all that are required to turn an ordinary relationship into an earth moving experience irrespective of whether the couple is together or not, inside or outside the bedroom, there is no way anybody can say she is a wife material. She must in addition to the above qualities have a passion for your well being which in turn translates to good house keeping and nourishment.
Sincerely there is nothing you can do to stop her from being disloyal to you if she has the tendency to do it. She doesn’t have to wait for you to travel out before dating another man. A man or woman, who has the tendency to cheat, would do it irrespective of where his or her partner is. The only thing that can stop her is her commitment to you and yours to her. It is not enough for her to remain committed to you if you fail to reciprocate her gesture. As a matter of fact, she is the one that needs all the assurances in the world because you are the one leaving her behind. The excitement and loneliness of a new surrounding are enough grounds for you to be unfaithful. If you love her also learn to trust her.
But one very solid way of protecting this relationship is to entrust it to God. If you are both meant to be, God would preserve it no matter the challenge but if God didn’t design her for you, everything you do would be in vain.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I must say you are an instrument of God. Thank you for your great honesty.
I am 27 years of age. I currently have this problem with my fiancée.
In the first place there is no denying the fact that we are both in love with each other but since I have the desire to travel abroad without her, I am scared about losing her.
This is because I am not her first lover. What do you think I should do to manage this situation without losing her to another man?
Do you think a blood engagement can help?
Since meeting her, I have never cheated on her or thought of looking at another woman. How do I know if she is my wife?
Agatha, I keep having this feeling she may cheat on me while I am out of the country, what can I do to stop her from cheating on me? I love her so much. Finally, I can do whatever she wants. Please am I doing the right thing?
Confused Man
Dear Confused Man,
Trust is the basis for the success of every relationship. Without it, there is nothing anybody can do. You must learn to trust her, no matter what you feel especially if she hasn’t given you any reason to distrust her.
Not being her first lover doesn’t make her less of a person to be trusted. You knew she wasn’t a virgin when you met her, so you must learn to live with that knowledge no matter the situation you both find yourselves in.
Being a virgin doesn’t automatically confer the status of trust on a woman, what does is her conduct and commitment to her partner at any given time.
For you to be so in love with her, she must have some outstanding qualities you cannot afford to miss.
Trust isn’t built in a day, it takes a while and this is derived from behavioural pattern of a particular person. In all your time with her, think as objectively as possible, has she ever given you any reason to doubt her, suspect her of being incapable of staying faithful to you while you are away?
Jealousy is a very dangerous emotion. She would feel very hurt and miserable if she finds out that you don’t trust her to be responsible while you are away in a foreign land and that you even suspect her of being incapable of remaining faithful to you.
However, to give you the assurance you need to live a stress free life, call her to discuss your fears and anxiety with her. Be careful not to give her the impression you don’t trust her at all because it could make her undergo severe pressure from men or her family do something she would ordinarily not do; whereas if she is secured in your trust you would equally do anything to defend that trust.
What do you mean by blood engagement? Are you talking about blood covenant? Sincerely, it isn’t worth it, because the spiritual implications are usually not favourable. The attendant spiritual complication is always too severe at the end of the day especially if both of you end up with other partners.
Blood engagement or covenant is also an evidence of insecurity and lack of trust. It is akin to forcing each other to stay in a relationship against one’s will, having a relationship under duress. This should arise where there is trust and security.
One way you can get her to remain faithful to you and you to her is for both of you to fuse unconditional friendship into your relationship. To do this, de-emphasise sex. You are jittery of leaving her behind because you think she cannot stay without sex. If both of you had from the beginning founded your relationship on enduring qualities like friendship, tolerance and understanding what is really required to make a relationship happy, this morbid fears you are nursing would not have been.
Unless you have an idea of what you want from life, learn to pay attention to those qualities you know would give you endless happiness in a woman, you may never know if she is your wife or not. To know if she is the right one for you, you must begin the appraisal from your own end. What do you understand by love? Is it for you the same thing as having fulfilling sex with a pretty woman? Is physical beauty for you the only thing that your ideal woman must have? What do you understand by inner beauty, which envelops humility, respects loyalty, tolerance, support, care, believes in you, responsibility, understanding, faith in the relationship and selflessness? These are all the things that give birth to friendship, which brings out the inner treasures in a person.
Without you having full grasp of all that are required to turn an ordinary relationship into an earth moving experience irrespective of whether the couple is together or not, inside or outside the bedroom, there is no way anybody can say she is a wife material. She must in addition to the above qualities have a passion for your well being which in turn translates to good house keeping and nourishment.
Sincerely there is nothing you can do to stop her from being disloyal to you if she has the tendency to do it. She doesn’t have to wait for you to travel out before dating another man. A man or woman, who has the tendency to cheat, would do it irrespective of where his or her partner is. The only thing that can stop her is her commitment to you and yours to her. It is not enough for her to remain committed to you if you fail to reciprocate her gesture. As a matter of fact, she is the one that needs all the assurances in the world because you are the one leaving her behind. The excitement and loneliness of a new surrounding are enough grounds for you to be unfaithful. If you love her also learn to trust her.
But one very solid way of protecting this relationship is to entrust it to God. If you are both meant to be, God would preserve it no matter the challenge but if God didn’t design her for you, everything you do would be in vain.
Good luck.
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