Dear Agatha,
I am 24 years of age; into a relationship that is almost four years old. He is only six months older than I am. The grouse is that nobody in my family is in support of the relationship. Initially I ignored the position of my siblings, but my guardian of 20 years has also come out to vehemently kick against the relationship. Even my boyfriend's elder brother is also against the relationship.
We are currently also not on speaking terms. Although he has asked me to marry him, I declined the offer due to the possible fear of what my siblings would do to him or me should we carry on the relationship. My elder brother who got winds of his proposal has threatened to beat him up if he hears about such nonsense again.
Agatha, I don't know if I should ignore my siblings and my guardian's position and go ahead to marry him. For four years now, my guardian has been promising to sponsor my desire to go further in my education, but nothing has come of the promise. Should I go ahead or end the relationship? Sincerely speaking, I am confused.
Mercy.
Dear Mercy,
Why are they all against your relationship with this man? What is the common theme of their objection? Has it got anything to do with his personality, attitude or presentation of himself? There must be something very important that warrants their complaints. What is it? If you were to objectively score this man, what grade would you give him? And if he weren't your boyfriend, would you agree with what members of your family are saying about him?
I ask these questions to help broaden your views about what is happening and to open your eyes to the real issues at stake.
Having dated him for four years, do you agree with all or some of the issues being touted by these people?
Because this issue involves your life, it is in your interest you tell the truth about the situation to forestall regrets and pains later in life.
There is usually no smoke without fire. Something must have warranted even your guardian of 20 years to have voiced an opinion on this matter. Even your letter is silent on your feelings for him; suggesting that your relationship is not too perfect as one would have expected a relationship that has endured four years. For you to have expressed a desire to end the love-deal is enough evidence on its own to underline the presence of problems.
To determine whether your family is right in its disapproval, ask yourself if this man would make you a very happy woman and if you would be able to withstand him in the years to come especially against the background of what you know of him?
It is only when you are convinced that he is the right man for you that you can muster the strength to withstand your family's combined pressure. You are confused about this man because you lack a clear idea of what you want in life and the type of man you need in your life to help you accomplish your dreams.
So, it is not so much of what others are saying about your man, but what you don't know you want. Once you are able to deal with your own wants, desires and focus on precision; get a clearer picture of whether this man is the right man or not would emerge. With that would come the strength or realisation to either move on with him or look for the right man that would help your dream in life.
Four years aren't four days. If your relationship with him had been properly structured from the beginning, both of you by now must have built sufficient trust in your abilities to know without doubts if he is the right one or not for you.
That you have doubts is an indication that your four years together were spent doing other things rather than growing the relationship. Had both of you done the right things, no matter what others feel about both of you, something deep inside you should point you at the right direction. Not as if there is a relationship that is completely perfect, but for the simple reason that you know so many things about him which people not close to him don't know.
To help you situate things, go to your family and ask them as gently as you can, why they think this man is wrong for you. In your interest, don't go with the mind of fighting or arguing every point they make against him. Instead, listen to them; they may have observed certain things you haven't bothered to consider because of your closeness to him. Reflect on what they have said, and observations you know are not true, explain with all the patience in the world the things you know about him. Don't paint him in saintly apparel. Admit his faults and let them know that like all of them complaining, nobody is perfect. The ones you doubt be honest enough to admit them, and give them (your family) the assurances that you would investigate them all. And the ones that are simply malicious or frivolous, let them know precisely what you think about them too, without raising your voice in anger.
Remember these people are on your side and only want the best for you, so it would not be in your interest to alienate them from your affairs completely, not because you don't know what you want but for that day when things might not be so rosy in your relationship. A day would come in your relationship when you would need the comfort of a familiar hand to help you through a difficult patch. It is for days like these, you must not completely shut out your family from your affairs.
Doubtlessly, you have every right at your age to take decisions for yourself, but all avenues must first be exploited, to reconcile your man with them.
If the little difference in your age is one of the reasons your family is against the relationship, it is only a matter of telling them what you and your man discussed on the issue. That is, if you have both considered it an issue to be discussed at all.
If their concern is genuine, they would let the issue die a natural death once you are able to convince them about your willingness to stick with him irrespective of your age disparity.
But it is an issue you must discuss with your man if you both have never done that. Both of you must appreciate that a lot of sacrifices and responsibilities come with this type of arrangement. You, in particular, must appreciate that your ages put you both at par on the issue of providing the basic structure in your drive to begin a life together. You must be willing to meet him halfway, since he doesn't have the head provided by age to provide those things a woman or her family regard as basic sign of a man's readiness for marriage.
The pressure it puts on you is to ensure you stay in shape to avoid providing him an excuse on a platter of gold to stray from home.
On the issue of your guardian, using your relationship with this man as an excuse for him not to sponsor your education, don't bother. If he hadn't done that before now, he is only looking for an excuse to justify his inability to fulfill his promise; it has nothing to do with your interest in this man.
Whatever happens, learn to pray earnestly before taking a decision because issues that look so complex today may not be so exaggerated tomorrow.
Good luck.
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