I slept with my husband’s driver, now I’m suffering

Dear Agatha, Several years ago, when I was searching for a child, I had an affair with my husband’s driver. He didn’t want to have anything to do with me but I blackmailed him into doing it by threatening him that I would lie against him that he came into my bedroom unannounced and uninvited to force himself on me. It took me almost six months to get him to finally agree to my proposal; as a matter of fact, I forced him the day my husband travelled out of town. He actually cried after he slept with me. Having done it once, it was easy for me to force him subsequently. That affair led to a pregnancy I passed on to my husband. I was happy because through him I became a mother. For that, I will ever be grateful to him but when the child was born, I engineered the sacking of the driver to cover the identity of the child. I didn’t want him suspecting the paternity of the child. At that point, I was beyond caring about the kind of lie I told; what mattered then was getting him sacked. So I lied to my husband that he stole my jewellery and money I forget inside the car. I said this because I knew it was the only way my husband would get rid of him. Even though deep down it was painful, I had to do it to protect my child from eventual ridicule hence developed the strength to confront him. Beyond protesting his innocence, he told me especially that something would happen later in life to warrant my coming back to beg him for forgiveness. I dismissed him and went about my normal life. After the birth of my first child and son, the others came in quick succession. I didn’t have to sleep with another man to have them. Deep down I owe my stay in my husband’s house to my first son. Apart from being brilliant, he was the favourite of his father. He graduated at a very early age of 20, finished serving at 21 and was already a member of the board of his father company when things suddenly changed. It all started one morning when he refused to come out of his room the day he was meant to represent his father at an important meeting with a minister in whose ministry they were pursuing a contract. His father had to attend the meeting, which was a good thing because by afternoon, he was already manifesting severe signs of mental disability. Since then there is no hospital we haven’t taken him to, including the Psychiatric Hospital, Yaba. There he was on admission for almost a month. All the drugs given him only made him worse until we had no choice but to take him away to a church on the counsel of my elder sister. We eventually ended up in a white garment church where I was told to produce his father if he is to be cured. According to them, only his father’s prayer would heal him of his strange illness. Needless to say, my marriage is hanging in the balance but that is the least of my problem. Through the help of our former driver’s friend my husband knew, we were able to trace him to his village where he now resides with his family. After explaining the reason we came to him, he laughed and told us to go back the way we came because he will never forgive me for denying him of his son. He said my son is the only male child he has. He said he won’t do what we want until I agree to sleep with him again as well as compensate him for the lies I told against him. I don’t want anything to happen to my son, please help me. Ajai Dear Ajai, Honestly, it is unfortunate that your son is the one suffering from the mess you made of your life. That child didn’t ask to be born at all; you made the choice to have him through the man you decided to sleep with. You also made the decision to step outside your marriage to sleep with this man who is now asking for his pound of flesh. Still trying in your quest to play God in your own life and the lives of others involved in the mess you have created, you decided to lie against an innocent man whose only crime was to agree to your request to sleep with you. You didn’t have to go to the extent you went. Your lies must have cost him so much pains and embarrassment especially as he didn’t sleep with you of his own free will. The truth is that you used your position as the wife of his boss to harass and destroyed a career that might have profited him more than the situation you forced him into. For him to have retired to the village underscores the kinds of hardship he must have gone through after he left the service of your husband. It is unfortunate that your son, who is innocent of the sin you committed is the one suffering for the decision you made to go outside your home in your search for a child. Had you waited patiently, all these wouldn’t have happened at all. There is no way like God’s way and desire. You didn’t get pregnant by the grace of sleeping with this man. You did because it was God’s time. That is why the other children came in quick succession. Furthermore, you shouldn’t have lied against him. How did it make you feel lying against an innocent man, the biological father of the baby you were carrying inside of you? There were better ways you could have disengaged him from the service of your husband without generating the amount of bad feelings you now have on your hands. There is no way you can resolve this problem without taking his son to him. There is an adage in Yoruba that says it is possible for a rich man to entice the wife of a poor man but impossible to inherit his child as well. Going to find him without his son, is like rubbing salt on an open wound. What did you expect? That he would agree to your demands without making demands of his own? Deep down, he has waited patiently to see his son. Even though you lacked the guts to inform him about the child, he must have known hence that sentence he left you with the day he was fired. Sincerely, going to plead with him without his son wasn’t right. It showed your pomposity as well as insensitivity to his feelings as the biological father of that child. Asking you to sleep with him before he can pray for his son is to hurt you as much as all your actions have hurt him. Like you, this man has blood running through his veins. If you were the one being treated with so much disdain and total disregard for everything you represent, how would you feel? Being poor isn’t an offence or a crime. He deserves respect and recognition. Go with your son the next time you visit him. He has been patient enough. Let him meet with his son and pray for him. That boy is his seed, his offspring and a demonstration of his strength as a man. Both of them deserve to know the truth about each other. Let the decision come from him on whether the boy should continue to stay with you or not. It isn’t in your place or that of your husband to make that decision for him. The decision of where his son stays must come from him. The issue here is that of integrity. The truth you have struggled to conceal is finally out so why make things more difficult for you and everyone involved in this matter? You have nowhere to hide anymore. Own up to your mistakes; apologise to this man, your husband and son. Beg for their forgiveness for messing up their lives. As for your husband, you need to really beg him because what you did is unpardonable. Not only did you betray your vows with him, but you foisted on him another man’s son. What you have done is to put the other children at risk. There is no way he would be convinced he is the father of the other children. You need the grace of God for him to forgive you. For now, learn to respect whatever his decisions are until time heals the wound created by your impatience and lack of faith in God. Good luck.

I am 19 while he is 27

Dear Agatha, I am a young lady of 19 years of age in a relationship with a man of 27 years old. I am scared to introduce him to my mother because of the age and language differences. What do you think I should do and is the age difference not good enough for a relationship? Worried Teenager. Dear Worried Teenager, Unless you have graduated, your priority now should be your education. Plenty of time to get serious about men or the matter of bringing one home to your parents. You are at a delicate balance in your life when any mistake like pregnancy can hinder your ambition in life. This is why you need to get certain things right first before throwing your entire self into worrying about a relationship. The mathematics of age difference is something you can handle once you attain the maturity and age to. In all honestly, the age difference between the two of you isn’t much but you are bothered about it because at your age, the things that currently interest you may not be so appealing to him. At 19, you are still filled with so much idealism while he at 27, is beginning to experience what reality is; their responsibilities as men. Therefore, for most young men, this is a rather difficult time for them because they have a lot of important decisions to make. His need to establish himself would from time to time conflict with your desire to have fun. Rather than worry about introducing him to your mother, make a good friend out of him. he can come to your home as a friend, not the one you are involved with. This way you give each other the rare opportunity of knowing each other better. It will save you the problem of introducing too many young men to your parents. Good luck

I cannot attend his church

Dear Agatha, It is only God that will bless you in all you have been doing for many of us through this page. Agatha, I have this problem bothering me. It has to do with my husband to be. We have been dating for four years but I have always told him that we won’t be able to marry because he is a Catholic while I am a member of Assemblies of God Church. He told me he’ll allow me to continue with my own church. We had our traditional marriage on the 4th February, and since then his people have been pressurizing me to start attending his church. I am loved by all of them but how do I go about this? Will there be any problem in future if I insist on going to my church? Please your advice will go a long way in protecting my marriage and life. Blessing. Dear Blessing, Who do you worship in your church? God or man? If God is who you worship in your church, is He different from the God, Catholics worship? Are you both not Christians; members of the family of Jesus Christ? Is the church a native doctor’s shrine? Are your Bibles different, does one church read the Bible upside down while the other one read it from the side? Where in the Bible is it written that Christians should fight each other over denomination; that we should place doctrines above our faith in the supremacy of God and the sacrifice of love by Jesus Christ? If indeed Christians are united by Christ and get their authority from Him, why should it be difficult for you to marry a man you have dated for four years and in whose family you have found favor? At any rate, who is the founder of any Church? God or man? What if this is the only man God ordained for you to marry? Would you rather he goes because he isn’t a member of your church? Is the Church now stronger than the all knowing God who rules in heaven, makes all things and situation to glorify His name? If the ways and teachings of your church are based on the instructions of the Bible, it should not matter if you both of you are from different churches. What should matter is the fact that both of you belief in God. Besides, a woman is regarded as being churchless until she marries. The woman’s place is beside her husband, to support and ensure his success at all levels. She is also to provide him with the spiritual anchorage to thrive in whatever he does. So how do you intend performing these duties in his life by insisting on attending a different church from the one your husband attends? What values will you be teaching your children especially the girls; that their husband’s feelings and thoughts don’t matter as long as they have their way? How would you feel without your husband by your side during church services or his solitude when other men are coming to service with their own families? Won’t your choice be divorcing the spiritual authority from your marriage? How does a married man succeed without his wife by his side? What does your church teach about the role of the woman in the home? The fear of losing female members is the reason most churches are now mandating members to marry within the church and not because of any other reason. Furthermore, spiritual maturity and growth come from interacting with others. No child becomes anything in life by remaining in isolation. Only the spirit of God can grow His church, not a man, no matter how spiritually gifted that person is. When you knew you weren’t going to attend his church, why did you stay around him for four years and going ahead with the traditional marriage? Definitely, there is something special between the two of you, strong enough for you to defy the doctrine of your church. To ignore that thing would be like cutting your nose to spite your face. Love happens in places we don’t expect. True love isn’t something to be controlled; rather it controls the minds and decisions of those it has come to visit. The truth is, if you stop pretending, you will come to the realisation that you and this man have something going for you. It is more than enough for some people. Sincerely, there are more important things in a marriage to worry about than this issue of doctrine. That you belong to the same church can’t stop your marriage from having problems; which makes your reason for not wanting to marry this man unfortunate. There are more important things to worry about; issues that must be addressed before you venture any further just as you must be determined at every point in your marriage to confront challenges that might want to pull down your union. What if you don’t find the right man in your church? Would you because of doctrine deprive yourself of a lifetime of happiness? Put yourself in a bondage God hasn’t placed on you all because you seek to please man and not follow the will of God for you? For instance, in your four years together, what have you learnt about him? A marriage needs more than religion to function at full capacity. This is because in situations where practical solution is needed to rectify, no amount of prayers will change the situation. For instance, no amount of prayers can make a dirty and rude woman enjoy the support of her husband. Ultimately, a marriage is a fine blend of practical and religion. It takes guts, raw determination laced in love to make the difference in every relationship. Under the customary laws of our land, you are already married. Therefore, you must make up your mind to either follow your husband to his church or starting your life on courting problems, where none ordinarily exists. From experience, there will always be issues in every marriage so why add more to your battles? Whether you like it or not, every marriage comes with its own battle garment. This has to do with the fact that every family has a coat of foundational problems, one every woman who marries into it must be ready to battle and win for the sake of her children and husband. The distraction that will be presented by the two of you attending different churches will make fighting this family challenges difficult. That church is part of the person you fell in love with. Give yourself and this marriage the needed opportunity to be happy. How would you feel in the future if your son comes home with a woman who insists that she will not attend the same church as your son? These are sensitive matters, one that will at the end present your husband as incapable of ruling his home. Like Jesus Christ, we have at every point in our lives make certain sacrifices for the ones we love. As a woman and wife, you have to let go of certain things in the interest of your home. If giving up your church would further cement the happiness of your home, do it. Above all, listen more to what God is telling you than what any man is saying. With God there is no making any mistake.

I detest him after being intimate with him

Dear Agatha, I am 15 years of age in love with a boy who is 17. On the night of 31st of December last year, I got drunk and seduced him against his earlier stance that he cannot be seduced. By the time I finished with him, I lost every feelings I had for him but he has been apologising for what happened between us. Currently, he isn’t feeling too well but I don’t feel anything for him at all. What do I do? Stella. Dear Stella, There is something definitely wrong somewhere. If at 15, when you should be in school, studying and insuring your future, you are busy getting drunk and thinking of how to seduce men; then a whole of things have definitely gone askew with your values. What kind of life are you planning for yourself? What kind of woman and mother are you planning to be? What kind of child are you to your parents? At 15, you have no business falling in love let alone seducing men. What if you got pregnant from that night? What would happen to you and your dreams? If at your age, you begin the journey of aborting unwanted pregnancies, what would you do in a decade from now when you would be only 25 years of age? If at this age you have started to drink to the point of being drunk to seduce a man, I shudder to think of the kind of lifestyle you would veer into when you are a little older? If you have started to seduce men at this age, what would you do when you get into the university or begin work? Have you sat to think of the effects of this kind of lifestyle you are beginning so early on your life and appearance as you get older? Have you thought of how this kind of life can completely deny you of that kind of good life every woman dreams of? No matter what a woman choices are when she is young, somewhere deep in every woman, is the dream to meet her knight in shinning armour. What if you meet him and your past comes up to destroy it, who would you blame? The talebearers or you who made the choice to harm your own life? The pity of the whole situation is the tragedy to you own life at the end of the day. The various men you succeed in seducing have nothing to lose or reputation to protect. You being the woman, has everything to lose because no man wants to end up with a woman with such a vast history of experience. While all these men would have no qualms coming to you for relaxation when they need it, none of them would want to marry you because in their opinion, you aren’t the kind of girl men take home to their mothers. This boy may not know why he is begging you but, it is in your interest you listen to him. You may not be so lucky next time if your victim is smarter and stronger than you. You may end up the victim of men who would gang rape you. What you started as an adventure might end up becoming a nightmare. For your own sake and in the interest of your tomorrow, begin to reconsider your kind of lifestyle because as a young woman, you haven’t even started the journey of adulthood at all. Before it is too late, sit down and reflect on your life. Ask yourself the all important question of what kind of future you want. Look around you for positive examples of women who have made the difference in life. Any thing you do that you cannot openly boost of, don’t do it because at your age you are prone to making mistakes because of the different hormones rioting in your body. Adulthood is about control these hormones. You must develop the will power to restrain them from messing up your life else you end up being the scorn of not just your friends but your family as well who would always mock your inability to bring them honour like those friends of yours who were able to defeat the potency of their hormones. The pride of every woman is her ability to contain her feelings else she becomes the mockery of womanhood. It is never too late for you to begin the process of rebuilding and refocusing your life. It is the beauty of being young; the advantage you have above older women whose mistakes cannot be corrected. Go back to your studies. Your education can earn you any man you want, give your economical powers to take charge of your life. If at the end of all your education, your choice remains dominating men, at least age would have given you that power to do so. But for now, resist the demon of destruction if you love your life. Good luck.

She has embarrassing dentition

Dear Agatha, May God bless you for the good job you are doing. I am a man of 28 years of age, dating a lady of 23. We love each other so much and I intend to make her my wife soon but what I don’t like about her is her teeth, she has brown teeth and when I asked her the cause of it, she told me that she grew up in the village where nobody taught her to brush her teeth. Agatha, I want to take her home to meet my parents but want to do something to whiten her teeth before she meets my family. A friend of mine advised me to take her to a dental clinic where she will have her teeth polished but I don’t know if it will work. That is why we decided to seek for your help to know if there’s any solution to this issue that makes it difficult for my girlfriend to smile or laugh in public. I know that her good character matters most but the solution to this challenge also matters a lot to us too. Arinze. Dear Arinze, Yes, there are chemicals that can whiten the teeth but your best bet remains the office of a dentist. Beyond the ability of the dentist’s chemical, be careful in your bid to get her teeth sparkling not to further hurt her. if care is not taken, you may end up destroying whatever confidence she has in herself especially if she thinks you may leave her if not perfect solution is found for her challenge. It is therefore important that you conceal from her your worries about the condition of her teeth. After all, you saw the state of her teeth before asking her out. Therefore, you should not be overtly bothered about what people would say about her. I say this to avoid you being disappointed if the stains are the kind that cannot be completely eradicated. She needs your strength and encouragement to go ahead with her life. This is because a lot of people would take their cue from your reactions to her condition just like she too would. But the moment you begin to experience embarrassment, treat her with a feeling of rejection around people, you make it impossible for her to grow the kind of confidence every woman needs to make her home work or give her husband the kind of peace to be happy in the marriage. This is why you must be very clear in your intentions towards her. Ask yourself, this all important question, what if the stains cannot be vanished from her teeth, would you still want to have her permanently in your life? Would you gloss over her good qualities and let go of her because of this problem? Do you have what it takes to love her unconditionally? I ask all these questions to help you place the important things in the first burner because in marriage, certain things are more important than what one’s looks are. True love must be brave enough to overcome physical challenges. Inner beauty and attributes are most vital in procuring a happy and stable marriage. For the sake of both of you, honest answers to these questions are more important than the issue whether or not her teeth are of the right colours. It is only after you find the right answers to these questions that you should consider taking her home to your family. The state of her teeth may just be God’s way of helping you realize the important things about life. Good luck.