With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am an engineer by profession. I have a good job and live comfortably with my wife and son. But I have this recurring problem, which always leave me helpless.
I am an only child, not because my parents couldn’t have more children, but because all siblings died at very tender ages. Incidentally, my father too was the only child.
Because of this situation, my kinsmen are always very protective concerning me. They always take special interest in matters concerning me, because I have nobody to stand by or for me. Even though I managed to survive the odds of my situation, it wasn’t a cup of tea being alone in the whole world. I survived through the grace of God.
My wife and I are also facing this same problem. After six years of marriage, we have only a son. We have been to different medical doctors and went through series of fertility tests, but nothing was found wrong with either my wife or me.
Because of the loneliness of being an only child, I am considering taking a second wife. This is irrespective of the love I have for my wife and my position in the church, which I know I would forfeit if I take on another wife.
I don’t want my son to go through what I went through as a child.
Agatha, I am at a very terrible crossroad. Please at this point, I don’t know what to do, advise me.
Worried Man.
Dear Worried Man,
Your problem is not physical, but spiritual. And I honestly empathise with you because like a great number of us, you are an innocent victim of forces and sequences you know nothing about.
Because what you are contending with is a foundational problem. Even if you marry all the women in the world, unless there is a dislodgement of whatever power holding your paternal lineage hostage, the children would also die like all your siblings. If nothing was found medically wrong with both of you, what makes you so sure you would be able to produce more children from other women?
Besides you would only be adding to your very complex situation by bringing another woman into your life. Ask those who know, polygamy has never been a solution to the problem, in the sense that every person involved in the arrangement would do anything to be in the vintage position.
What happens if the new woman you are bringing in is unable to provide you with more children? Keep marrying until you succeed? Do you know the more incriminating spiritual problems these women may be experiencing in their families? Do you know the diabolical powers that could come into your peaceful world to worsen what you feel is already a complicated situation in your life? Spiritual problems, unlike psychical problems need wisdom and plenty of God’s involvement to obliterate. For your own sake as well as your family’s sake, especially the innocent child involved, don’t depend on your wisdom or understanding of issues alone. Take everything to God first through prayers.
It is not just enough to decide on bringing in another woman. Have you sat down to consider the increased headaches you would be contending with by acquiring more women in your life? Also consider the peace you would be forfeiting by having more than one wife? How rich are you to fairly meet all their demands?
Two issues are at play here. One is the fact that all the surviving children in your family are men. and secondly, that every attempt to increase the number always result in the deaths of subsequent children.
The question you should ask is why is this so? At what point did this begin to happen in your lineage? Did the trend start with your grandfather? Before this trend, what was the situation? How many children did your great grandfather have? Were they all girls? If they were boys, how many of them outside your grandfather survived?
Go back into your family and investigate the reasons for this. Is there a particular family god your ancestors worshipped? That you are today a Christian doesn’t stop you suffering the consequences unless there is a proper deliverance.
Many a time, we ignorantly think simply because we have given our lives to Christ prevent the consequences of our ancestors’ decision from falling on us. Our past remains our heritage. There is no way we can talk about our present and future without the past. The past remains indelible.
If one’s past has a major fault, it follows that one’s presence and future would have some of those deformities from the past.
You are today facing this challenge, because something isn’t right about your past. Deliverance sessions enable ancient closed doors to be opened for the Holy Spirit to restructure the damage. To put the past where it belongs, we must take the step in our present to give the future a new meaning.
If your grandfather isn’t alive, go to your father to tell you some things he remembers about his family. If there is nobody in your family to turn to, your kinsmen must have one or two useful information to give. Jot down whatever information you get, no matter how insignificant it appears. What you consider unimportant may be the key to your problem.
If possible, visit your ancestral home. No matter how far removed your relatives may be from you; you must enlist their support in this battle to be free from the past.
To begin with, go to God in prayers. Remember you wear the shoes; hence you are in the best position to know where it pinches. If you don’t cry out, demand for God’s personal intervention, nobody can do it for you. Your cry would lead you to your source of help.
Call the leadership of the church and ask for spiritual support. If possible, ask them to accompany you on the journey to your ancestral home. There is no doubt you need all the help to overcome this problem and the more spiritually inclined people in your church that stand in gap for you, the better.
While you research the cause of the problem, it is also pertinent to look at the average lifespan in your family especially if your grandfather and father are dead. If however they are still alive, enlist their support through proper education of this unwholesome trend.
The most important thing you need is to have complete faith in God.
However, your son doesn’t have to end up an only child. You can adopt a child to grow with him, to answer your name and to remove whatever restriction has been placed on you. The attack is targeted at your natural ability to have another child outside the one allowed. They cannot stop you from having another child through adoption.
This is a better, more peaceful and rewarding option than the issue of multiple marriages you are contemplating.
Nobody would know the difference between your biological child and adopted child if you treat them equally and fairly.
Good luck.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
He beats me if I refuse him sex…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am in love with this boy, but he always beat me anytime he wants to have sex with me that I refuse him. I don’t know what to do, please.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
What are you still doing in such a relationship? This man doesn’t love you. He is only interested in your body and the more you continue to tolerate his behaviour, the worse he would become.
At the end of the day, you would suffer the problem of self-confidence and emotion. Sex and violence don’t go together. The fact that you are indulging his desires when you are not legally married should make him solicitous to your needs and moods, and not beat you into submitting to his desires.
If a man begins to beat you at this stage, when you are not married to him, when he should be courting your interest, then something is very wrong with the relationship as well as with your own interpretation of what a relationship is.
Even if married, he doesn’t have the right to beat you on those days you are not ready to make love. The worst he can do is to walk away or at best think of romantic ways of making it right for you to receive him.
Here, your self-esteem is important; which is why you must jealously protect your state of mind at all times.
Respect is what drives a relationship to progress and peace. If a man you are dating lacks the respect for you, your body and emotions, then what is the basis of the relationship? How does he expect you to enjoy sex with him after beating you to submission? The message he is passing in this is that you are his sex slave, one that must be beaten into line to perform. And if you continue with him, you will only be enforcing this thinking of his.
If he cares for you, he won’t lay a finger on you at all.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am in love with this boy, but he always beat me anytime he wants to have sex with me that I refuse him. I don’t know what to do, please.
Confused Girl.
Dear Confused Girl,
What are you still doing in such a relationship? This man doesn’t love you. He is only interested in your body and the more you continue to tolerate his behaviour, the worse he would become.
At the end of the day, you would suffer the problem of self-confidence and emotion. Sex and violence don’t go together. The fact that you are indulging his desires when you are not legally married should make him solicitous to your needs and moods, and not beat you into submitting to his desires.
If a man begins to beat you at this stage, when you are not married to him, when he should be courting your interest, then something is very wrong with the relationship as well as with your own interpretation of what a relationship is.
Even if married, he doesn’t have the right to beat you on those days you are not ready to make love. The worst he can do is to walk away or at best think of romantic ways of making it right for you to receive him.
Here, your self-esteem is important; which is why you must jealously protect your state of mind at all times.
Respect is what drives a relationship to progress and peace. If a man you are dating lacks the respect for you, your body and emotions, then what is the basis of the relationship? How does he expect you to enjoy sex with him after beating you to submission? The message he is passing in this is that you are his sex slave, one that must be beaten into line to perform. And if you continue with him, you will only be enforcing this thinking of his.
If he cares for you, he won’t lay a finger on you at all.
Good luck.
She’s an undergraduate; I’m still seeking admission
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I like my girlfriend a lot, and she likes me too. She is in her 200 level at the university, while I am still seeking admission. I am always calling and sending her text messages.
But she neither calls nor sends me text messages. The only time she did was when I sent her credit, just to thank me.
When I called to ask why she hasn’t gotten in touch with me, she told me she was stressed up from lectures and her phone has problem which I was aware of.
My very good friend thinks I am giving her too much attention, suggesting I should give her a break for a while to enable me observe how she would react. This I did. This is one month. She hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me.
I really don’t know what is wrong because I love her so much. It was a tough struggle refraining myself from calling all that while. I also heard that her boyfriend broke up with her as a result of my many text messages to her.
I just don’t want to lose her now. I really want to be with her for as long as our friendship would last, because I really have deep and true feelings for her. I am not ready to deceive her in any way.
I have never felt like this about any other girl. We started out as friend. When I noticed my very strong feelings for her, I told her about it. She is the only girl in my life. I feel so lonely when she is far away in school that at times, I wish I could go give her a visit. I miss her so much.
I believe in every friendship, there should be accurate communication between the partners involved before other things can follow.
Agatha, do you think she still feels anything for me even as she hardly gets in touch? Do you think I should hope she would start calling me soon, because it really disturbs me a lot?
Please help me out.
Sam.
Dear Sam,
Unless there is a corresponding interest on her part, there is little or nothing you can do. Feelings must be properly reciprocated to be worthwhile.
Sincerely, the major disadvantage against your chances with her is the difference in your academic years. Already she is midway in hers while you are still struggling to make it into the university.
By the time she graduates and finish her service year, you will only be in your mid year in school.
And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to serve with no prospect of getting a good job. When the job eventually comes, you will need time to settle down, think out your priorities.
Would she have the patience to wait for you to be ready? Even if she has, what guarantees does she have that you would still be passionate about her in view of her age at that time?
These could be part of her cold shoulders to you. For the majority of women it gets to an age when love isn’t just enough, when idealism gives way to reality.
Once a woman gets to the age of reality, when she realises her time clock is ticking away and the chances of her ever becoming fulfilled as a woman is diminishing as each day goes by, availability and not love becomes the issue. Although, another time would come in later life when the passion of her time gives way to sound reason, but she has to go through this process of wanting to be a mother first. By the time she would wished she had waited or listened to you, the wrinkle days would have come. Although life goes in cycles, its different seasons and their demands can never be altered, hence must be respected to the fullest.
Although you could be of the same age, her years in the university, her dreams and goals in life have all made her more mature and deeper in thinking than you. While you seem only focused on your current feelings for her, her attitude shows she has gone deeper and may have come to the conclusions that it is better not to get involved with you at all.
This is why she doesn’t feel any need to call or send you text messages. She only responds to your calls out of politeness, not because she agrees with your feelings for her. The fact that she has a boyfriend you are aware of is instructive. Give her space to be happy with her choice else she may never be able to forgive you for destroying her happiness with your obsessions with her.
Sincerely, I think you should concentrate efforts on getting into the university. From experience, you will survive this feeling, no matter how intense. Hearts at your age are meant to be broken and mended. It is the way of life as well as gathering the required experiences in life. You will need experiences and stories like this to help a lot of young ones coming after you to heal from their emotional wounds.
If it’s of any help, every adult person has had his or heart broken at one time or the other. The beauty of life is that time helps to make fun of moments like this later in life.
A time would come in your life when you would look at this moment and laugh at your feelings and actions.
However, what is critical in your life now is to prove to yourself especially that you have dreams beyond securing the heart of a woman. And until you gain admission into the university, this girl or any serious minded girl you may develop interest in later may not appreciate the uniqueness that is in you.
Until you market, package yourself as a focused young man; nobody will ever take you serious.
Given the mentality of some people, staying at home, though due to no fault of yours could have made them come to wrong conclusions about your person. For those who worship paper qualifications, you will never be good enough to be associated with unless you join the league of people with higher qualifications.
Therefore, gaining admission into the university would change a lot of things about you.
The best way you can continue to be relevant in her life is to be the friend she desires whenever she appears in need of a person to talk to.
Don’t worry too much. God would compensate you with a girl who would love you as much as you love her.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I like my girlfriend a lot, and she likes me too. She is in her 200 level at the university, while I am still seeking admission. I am always calling and sending her text messages.
But she neither calls nor sends me text messages. The only time she did was when I sent her credit, just to thank me.
When I called to ask why she hasn’t gotten in touch with me, she told me she was stressed up from lectures and her phone has problem which I was aware of.
My very good friend thinks I am giving her too much attention, suggesting I should give her a break for a while to enable me observe how she would react. This I did. This is one month. She hasn’t bothered to get in touch with me.
I really don’t know what is wrong because I love her so much. It was a tough struggle refraining myself from calling all that while. I also heard that her boyfriend broke up with her as a result of my many text messages to her.
I just don’t want to lose her now. I really want to be with her for as long as our friendship would last, because I really have deep and true feelings for her. I am not ready to deceive her in any way.
I have never felt like this about any other girl. We started out as friend. When I noticed my very strong feelings for her, I told her about it. She is the only girl in my life. I feel so lonely when she is far away in school that at times, I wish I could go give her a visit. I miss her so much.
I believe in every friendship, there should be accurate communication between the partners involved before other things can follow.
Agatha, do you think she still feels anything for me even as she hardly gets in touch? Do you think I should hope she would start calling me soon, because it really disturbs me a lot?
Please help me out.
Sam.
Dear Sam,
Unless there is a corresponding interest on her part, there is little or nothing you can do. Feelings must be properly reciprocated to be worthwhile.
Sincerely, the major disadvantage against your chances with her is the difference in your academic years. Already she is midway in hers while you are still struggling to make it into the university.
By the time she graduates and finish her service year, you will only be in your mid year in school.
And by the time she is ready to settle down, you would still be struggling to serve with no prospect of getting a good job. When the job eventually comes, you will need time to settle down, think out your priorities.
Would she have the patience to wait for you to be ready? Even if she has, what guarantees does she have that you would still be passionate about her in view of her age at that time?
These could be part of her cold shoulders to you. For the majority of women it gets to an age when love isn’t just enough, when idealism gives way to reality.
Once a woman gets to the age of reality, when she realises her time clock is ticking away and the chances of her ever becoming fulfilled as a woman is diminishing as each day goes by, availability and not love becomes the issue. Although, another time would come in later life when the passion of her time gives way to sound reason, but she has to go through this process of wanting to be a mother first. By the time she would wished she had waited or listened to you, the wrinkle days would have come. Although life goes in cycles, its different seasons and their demands can never be altered, hence must be respected to the fullest.
Although you could be of the same age, her years in the university, her dreams and goals in life have all made her more mature and deeper in thinking than you. While you seem only focused on your current feelings for her, her attitude shows she has gone deeper and may have come to the conclusions that it is better not to get involved with you at all.
This is why she doesn’t feel any need to call or send you text messages. She only responds to your calls out of politeness, not because she agrees with your feelings for her. The fact that she has a boyfriend you are aware of is instructive. Give her space to be happy with her choice else she may never be able to forgive you for destroying her happiness with your obsessions with her.
Sincerely, I think you should concentrate efforts on getting into the university. From experience, you will survive this feeling, no matter how intense. Hearts at your age are meant to be broken and mended. It is the way of life as well as gathering the required experiences in life. You will need experiences and stories like this to help a lot of young ones coming after you to heal from their emotional wounds.
If it’s of any help, every adult person has had his or heart broken at one time or the other. The beauty of life is that time helps to make fun of moments like this later in life.
A time would come in your life when you would look at this moment and laugh at your feelings and actions.
However, what is critical in your life now is to prove to yourself especially that you have dreams beyond securing the heart of a woman. And until you gain admission into the university, this girl or any serious minded girl you may develop interest in later may not appreciate the uniqueness that is in you.
Until you market, package yourself as a focused young man; nobody will ever take you serious.
Given the mentality of some people, staying at home, though due to no fault of yours could have made them come to wrong conclusions about your person. For those who worship paper qualifications, you will never be good enough to be associated with unless you join the league of people with higher qualifications.
Therefore, gaining admission into the university would change a lot of things about you.
The best way you can continue to be relevant in her life is to be the friend she desires whenever she appears in need of a person to talk to.
Don’t worry too much. God would compensate you with a girl who would love you as much as you love her.
Good luck
I need a girl in my life!
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
You are a great counsellor; keep it up dear.
I need your help. I will be turning 27 soon and presently not in any relationship. I have been out of relationship for almost a year and half now. It has been a wonderful period for me since it has afforded me the opportunity of focusing on my career without any distraction.
Irrespective of the relative peace I have enjoyed these past years, I have come to realise the need to be in a relationship that will lead to settling down. My family and colleagues have been putting pressure on me, demanding to know when I would be bringing home a woman. A lot of people assume I am married because of my nature. I trust God so much that He has always been there for me. In times of difficulties he always come to my aid. However there is this guy I met who thinks I am too difficult and stubborn because I don’t accept the kind of relationship they think I want. Unlike most of them, I believe in marriage and think both parties should respect and value each other.
Unlike so many guys my age, my experience with women is limited. I started my first relationship in my final year and when I discovered it wasn’t working between the lady and I, I opted out.
I need to be in a relationship, but don’t know how to go about it. Please help me.
Confused Boy.
Dear Confused Boy,
The best place to begin is by having a clear vision of what you want in life. It must be crystal clear to make it possible for you to know the kind of woman you need to help you carry on the dream.
To achieve this, you must learn to look beyond the physical appearance of the woman you want for a wife. A lot of times, appearances can be very deceptive, and frankly it takes more than a pretty face to make a marriage work. It takes love, care, tolerance, attention, respect, understanding, patience and responsibility to make a marriage work.
For your marriage to work, the desire has to come from deep within you. It has to be something you want because it is the only way to acquire the kind of determination every marriage needs to scale through the difficult times.
You also have to accept one basic truth about life – the imperfection of us all. This is where the sacrifices in marriages grow from. You must at all times be ready to make the sacrifice marriage requires to be stable and you can only do this for a friend. Therefore ensure the woman you plan to share your life with is a friend, one who will always have the understanding you need to make your home a happy one.
To get that kind of woman, resist the urge of placing sex on the front burner. Begin by offering her friendship before anything else. This way, you get to know her without the encumbrance of sexual emotions, which more often than not stifles a relationship even before it takes off.
Above all learn to be very honest with yourself at all times. What you cannot accept in the long run, don’t out of fear of losing the affection of a woman pretend you can, because overtime, the issue would eventually make the relationship very difficult to conduct?
Just be practical in your search, and above all entrust God with your dreams.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
You are a great counsellor; keep it up dear.
I need your help. I will be turning 27 soon and presently not in any relationship. I have been out of relationship for almost a year and half now. It has been a wonderful period for me since it has afforded me the opportunity of focusing on my career without any distraction.
Irrespective of the relative peace I have enjoyed these past years, I have come to realise the need to be in a relationship that will lead to settling down. My family and colleagues have been putting pressure on me, demanding to know when I would be bringing home a woman. A lot of people assume I am married because of my nature. I trust God so much that He has always been there for me. In times of difficulties he always come to my aid. However there is this guy I met who thinks I am too difficult and stubborn because I don’t accept the kind of relationship they think I want. Unlike most of them, I believe in marriage and think both parties should respect and value each other.
Unlike so many guys my age, my experience with women is limited. I started my first relationship in my final year and when I discovered it wasn’t working between the lady and I, I opted out.
I need to be in a relationship, but don’t know how to go about it. Please help me.
Confused Boy.
Dear Confused Boy,
The best place to begin is by having a clear vision of what you want in life. It must be crystal clear to make it possible for you to know the kind of woman you need to help you carry on the dream.
To achieve this, you must learn to look beyond the physical appearance of the woman you want for a wife. A lot of times, appearances can be very deceptive, and frankly it takes more than a pretty face to make a marriage work. It takes love, care, tolerance, attention, respect, understanding, patience and responsibility to make a marriage work.
For your marriage to work, the desire has to come from deep within you. It has to be something you want because it is the only way to acquire the kind of determination every marriage needs to scale through the difficult times.
You also have to accept one basic truth about life – the imperfection of us all. This is where the sacrifices in marriages grow from. You must at all times be ready to make the sacrifice marriage requires to be stable and you can only do this for a friend. Therefore ensure the woman you plan to share your life with is a friend, one who will always have the understanding you need to make your home a happy one.
To get that kind of woman, resist the urge of placing sex on the front burner. Begin by offering her friendship before anything else. This way, you get to know her without the encumbrance of sexual emotions, which more often than not stifles a relationship even before it takes off.
Above all learn to be very honest with yourself at all times. What you cannot accept in the long run, don’t out of fear of losing the affection of a woman pretend you can, because overtime, the issue would eventually make the relationship very difficult to conduct?
Just be practical in your search, and above all entrust God with your dreams.
Good luck.
His family wants me a Catholic…
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
It is only God that will bless you in all you’ve been doing for many of us through this page.
Agatha, I have this problem, which seems to be bothering me. It has to do with my husband to be. We have been dating for four years, but I have always told him that we won’t be able to marry because he is a Catholic while I am of Assemblies of God Church.
He told me he would allow me to continue with my own church. We had our traditional marriage on February 4, and since then his people have been pressurising me to start attending his church.
I am loved by all of them, but how do I go about this? Will there be any problem in future if I insist going to my church? Please your advice will go a long way in my marriage and life. Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Who do you worship in your church, God or man? If God is whom you worship, is He different from the God Catholics worship? Are you not both Christians, members of Jesus Christ family and army? Is that church a native doctor’s shrine? Are your Bibles different, does one church read the Bible upside down while the other one reads it from the side? Where in the Bible is it written that Christians should fight each other over denomination; that we should place doctrines above our faith in the supremacy of God and the sacrifice of love by Jesus Christ?
If indeed Christians are united by Christ and get their authority from Him, why should it be difficult for you to marry a man you have dated for four years and in whose family you have found favour?
At any rate, who is the founder of any Church, God or man? What if this is the only man God ordained for you to marry? Would you rather allow him to go because he isn’t a member of your church? Is the Church now stronger than the all-knowing God, who rules in heaven, made all things and situation to glorify His name? If the ways and teachings of your church are based on the instructions of the Bible, it should not matter if both of you are from different churches. What should matter is the fact that both believe in God.
Besides, a woman is regarded as being churchless until she marries. The woman’s place is beside her husband; to support and ensure his success at all levels. She is also to provide him with the spiritual anchorage to thrive in whatever he does. So how do you intend performing these duties in his life by insisting on attending a different church from the one your husband attends? What values will you be teaching your children especially the girls; that their husband’s feelings and thoughts don’t matter as long as they have their way?
How would you feel without your husband by your side during church services or his solitude when other men are coming to service with their own families?
Won’t your choice be divorcing the spiritual authority from your marriage? How does a married man succeed without his wife by his side? What does your church teach about the role of the woman in the home?
The fear of losing female members is the reason most churches are now mandating members to marry within the church and not because of any other reason. Furthermore, spiritual maturity and growth comes from interaction with others. No child becomes anything in life by remaining in isolation. Only the spirit of God can grow His church, not a man, no matter how spiritually gifted.
And if you really meant what you said about his church, why did you stay around him for four years and going ahead with the traditional marriage?
Definitely, there is something special between the two of you, strong enough for you to defy the doctrine of your church. To ignore that thing now is like cutting your nose to spite your face.
Love happens in places we don’t expect. True love isn’t something to be controlled; rather it controls the minds and decisions of those it has come to visit.
The truth is if you stop pretending, you will come to the realisation that you and this man have something going for you. It is more than enough for some people.
Sincerely, there are more important things in a marriage to worry about than this issue of doctrine. That you belong to the same spiritual father won’t insulate a marriage from having problems.
Which makes your reason for not wanting to marry this man unfortunate. There are more important things to worry about, issues that must be addressed before you venture any further just as you must be determined at every point in your marriage to confront challenges that might want to pull down your marriage. What if you don’t find the right man in your church? Would you because of doctrine deprive yourself of lifetime happiness? Put yourself in bondage that God hasn’t put you, all because you seek to please man and not follow the will of God for you?
For instance, in your four years together, what have you learnt about him? A marriage needs more than religion to function at full capacity. This is because in situations where practical solution is needed to rectify, no amount of prayers will change the situation. For instance, no amount of prayers can make a dirty and rude woman enjoy the support of her husband.
Ultimately, a marriage is a fine blend of practice and religion. It takes guts, raw determination laced in love to make the difference in every relationship.
Under the customary laws of our land, you are already married. Therefore, you must make up your mind to either follow your husband to his church or starting your life on courting problems where ordinarily none exists.
From experience, there will always be issues in every marriage, so why add more to your battles? Whether you like it or not, every marriage comes with its own battle garment. This has to do with the fact that every family has a garment of foundational problems, one every woman who marries into it must be ready to battle and win for the sake of her children and husband.
The distraction that will be presented by the two of you attending different churches will make fighting this family challenge difficult.
That church is part of the person you fell in love with. Give yourself and this marriage the needed opportunity to be happy. How would you feel in the future if your son comes home with a woman who insists she won’t attend same church as your son?
These are sensitive matters, one that will at the end present your husband as incapable of ruling his home. Like Jesus Christ, we have at every point in our lives make certain sacrifices for the ones we love. As a woman and wife, you have to let go of certain things in the interest of your home. If giving up your church would further cement the happiness of your home, do it.
Above all, listen more to what God is telling you than what any man is saying. With God there is no making any mistake.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
It is only God that will bless you in all you’ve been doing for many of us through this page.
Agatha, I have this problem, which seems to be bothering me. It has to do with my husband to be. We have been dating for four years, but I have always told him that we won’t be able to marry because he is a Catholic while I am of Assemblies of God Church.
He told me he would allow me to continue with my own church. We had our traditional marriage on February 4, and since then his people have been pressurising me to start attending his church.
I am loved by all of them, but how do I go about this? Will there be any problem in future if I insist going to my church? Please your advice will go a long way in my marriage and life. Blessing.
Dear Blessing,
Who do you worship in your church, God or man? If God is whom you worship, is He different from the God Catholics worship? Are you not both Christians, members of Jesus Christ family and army? Is that church a native doctor’s shrine? Are your Bibles different, does one church read the Bible upside down while the other one reads it from the side? Where in the Bible is it written that Christians should fight each other over denomination; that we should place doctrines above our faith in the supremacy of God and the sacrifice of love by Jesus Christ?
If indeed Christians are united by Christ and get their authority from Him, why should it be difficult for you to marry a man you have dated for four years and in whose family you have found favour?
At any rate, who is the founder of any Church, God or man? What if this is the only man God ordained for you to marry? Would you rather allow him to go because he isn’t a member of your church? Is the Church now stronger than the all-knowing God, who rules in heaven, made all things and situation to glorify His name? If the ways and teachings of your church are based on the instructions of the Bible, it should not matter if both of you are from different churches. What should matter is the fact that both believe in God.
Besides, a woman is regarded as being churchless until she marries. The woman’s place is beside her husband; to support and ensure his success at all levels. She is also to provide him with the spiritual anchorage to thrive in whatever he does. So how do you intend performing these duties in his life by insisting on attending a different church from the one your husband attends? What values will you be teaching your children especially the girls; that their husband’s feelings and thoughts don’t matter as long as they have their way?
How would you feel without your husband by your side during church services or his solitude when other men are coming to service with their own families?
Won’t your choice be divorcing the spiritual authority from your marriage? How does a married man succeed without his wife by his side? What does your church teach about the role of the woman in the home?
The fear of losing female members is the reason most churches are now mandating members to marry within the church and not because of any other reason. Furthermore, spiritual maturity and growth comes from interaction with others. No child becomes anything in life by remaining in isolation. Only the spirit of God can grow His church, not a man, no matter how spiritually gifted.
And if you really meant what you said about his church, why did you stay around him for four years and going ahead with the traditional marriage?
Definitely, there is something special between the two of you, strong enough for you to defy the doctrine of your church. To ignore that thing now is like cutting your nose to spite your face.
Love happens in places we don’t expect. True love isn’t something to be controlled; rather it controls the minds and decisions of those it has come to visit.
The truth is if you stop pretending, you will come to the realisation that you and this man have something going for you. It is more than enough for some people.
Sincerely, there are more important things in a marriage to worry about than this issue of doctrine. That you belong to the same spiritual father won’t insulate a marriage from having problems.
Which makes your reason for not wanting to marry this man unfortunate. There are more important things to worry about, issues that must be addressed before you venture any further just as you must be determined at every point in your marriage to confront challenges that might want to pull down your marriage. What if you don’t find the right man in your church? Would you because of doctrine deprive yourself of lifetime happiness? Put yourself in bondage that God hasn’t put you, all because you seek to please man and not follow the will of God for you?
For instance, in your four years together, what have you learnt about him? A marriage needs more than religion to function at full capacity. This is because in situations where practical solution is needed to rectify, no amount of prayers will change the situation. For instance, no amount of prayers can make a dirty and rude woman enjoy the support of her husband.
Ultimately, a marriage is a fine blend of practice and religion. It takes guts, raw determination laced in love to make the difference in every relationship.
Under the customary laws of our land, you are already married. Therefore, you must make up your mind to either follow your husband to his church or starting your life on courting problems where ordinarily none exists.
From experience, there will always be issues in every marriage, so why add more to your battles? Whether you like it or not, every marriage comes with its own battle garment. This has to do with the fact that every family has a garment of foundational problems, one every woman who marries into it must be ready to battle and win for the sake of her children and husband.
The distraction that will be presented by the two of you attending different churches will make fighting this family challenge difficult.
That church is part of the person you fell in love with. Give yourself and this marriage the needed opportunity to be happy. How would you feel in the future if your son comes home with a woman who insists she won’t attend same church as your son?
These are sensitive matters, one that will at the end present your husband as incapable of ruling his home. Like Jesus Christ, we have at every point in our lives make certain sacrifices for the ones we love. As a woman and wife, you have to let go of certain things in the interest of your home. If giving up your church would further cement the happiness of your home, do it.
Above all, listen more to what God is telling you than what any man is saying. With God there is no making any mistake.
Good luck.
He’s 27, I’m 19, any qualm?
With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am a young lady of 19 in a relationship with a man of 27. I am scared to introduce him to my mother because of the age and language differences. What do you think I should do? Is the age difference not good enough for a relationship?
Worried Teenager.
Dear Worried Teenager,
Unless you have graduated your priority now should be your education. There is plenty of time to get serious about men or the matter of bringing one home to your parents. You are at a delicate balance in your life when any mistake like pregnancy can hinder your ambition in life.
This is why you need to get certain things right first before throwing your entire self into worrying about a relationship.
The mathematics of age difference is something you can handle once you attain the maturity and age to. In all honesty, the age difference between you isn’t much, but you are bothered about it because at your age the things that currently interest you may not be so appealing to him. At 19, you are still filled with so much idealism, while he at 27 is beginning to experience what reality is, the responsibilities as men. Therefore, for most young men, this is a rather difficult time for them because they have a lot of important decisions to make.
His need to establish himself would from time to time conflict with your desire to have fun.
Rather than worry about introducing him to your mother, make a good friend at of him. He can come to your home as a friend, not the one you are involved with. This way you give each other the rare opportunity of knowing each other better.
It will save you the problem of introducing too many young men to your parents.
Good luck
Dear Agatha,
I am a young lady of 19 in a relationship with a man of 27. I am scared to introduce him to my mother because of the age and language differences. What do you think I should do? Is the age difference not good enough for a relationship?
Worried Teenager.
Dear Worried Teenager,
Unless you have graduated your priority now should be your education. There is plenty of time to get serious about men or the matter of bringing one home to your parents. You are at a delicate balance in your life when any mistake like pregnancy can hinder your ambition in life.
This is why you need to get certain things right first before throwing your entire self into worrying about a relationship.
The mathematics of age difference is something you can handle once you attain the maturity and age to. In all honesty, the age difference between you isn’t much, but you are bothered about it because at your age the things that currently interest you may not be so appealing to him. At 19, you are still filled with so much idealism, while he at 27 is beginning to experience what reality is, the responsibilities as men. Therefore, for most young men, this is a rather difficult time for them because they have a lot of important decisions to make.
His need to establish himself would from time to time conflict with your desire to have fun.
Rather than worry about introducing him to your mother, make a good friend at of him. He can come to your home as a friend, not the one you are involved with. This way you give each other the rare opportunity of knowing each other better.
It will save you the problem of introducing too many young men to your parents.
Good luck
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