Monday, July 23, 2012

Please, how do I become a good husband?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please how can I be a good husband? Eme. Dear Eme, So many factors come into play in every marriage. Some are general to all marriages while others are peculiar to the individuals involved. Therefore, to be a good husband, you must take time out to know everything there is to know about your wife. Get to read her like a book, making efforts to know precisely what God’s storyline for her life is. This is absolutely important for proper integration of your person into hers. This is the foundation of being happy and having a peaceful marriage. Knowing God’s purpose for her will determine how far you can push her or what to expect from her at any given time. Besides it will assist you in knowing when she does something deliberately and when it is in line with her nature. Like men, there are no two kinds of women. Every person is different; this is the mystery of God, hence each person’s reaction to an issue will always be dissimilar. By learning to appreciate her dissimilarity to everything you have been used to, including all the women that have graced your life, you open yourself to learning new things about her and from her ways. It is like watching a child grow. Every stage of a growing child is laced and patterned with different hues of which brings new excitement to the parents. As a good husband, you should be able to notice when she is making the extra effort to please you or change for your sake. Most often, problems arise when a woman thinks her husband isn’t paying her the kind of attention she deserves. A woman likes to be complimented on her looks, new hairstyles, cooking and housekeeping. She practically comes into bud when complimented by the man who has her heart. Without much effort from you, she will go the extra mile to make sure he is happy and contented with everything at home. But she gets very hurt, edging and troublesome when she is ignored or not appreciated. No woman wants to hurt or misbehave to a man who cares so much for her. Therefore, learn to be caring, attentive and appreciative of whatever efforts she puts into the marriage. Even when you think she isn’t doing enough, first show appreciation for the little she is doing before voicing whatever complaints you have. This way, she will listen better than you just complaining about all her efforts. That you are the man of the house doesn’t mean you should be lacking in respect for her person or values. At all times, learn to be respectful of her position as your deputy. Without her, there would be no home or family. Therefore, protect her position by limiting your anger as well as displeasure with the way she is doing certain things to the bedroom. Not even your children should witness your quarrels because they were not there when both of you met or made the decision to spend your lives together. When a man exposes his wife to the mockery of others, by fighting or beating her in the presence of others, he is unwittingly destroying his home. Don’t ever make the mistake of beating her. The tongue of a woman is very sharp and indiscriminate. When let loose, it can cause great damage. Learn to develop the strength and will to resist her anger. Because a woman talks before she thinks. If you know you cannot withstand the pains of her tongue, when she gets angry, walk away or leave the room for her. Not many men have the capacity to tolerate the kinds of words that come out of a woman’s mouth when angry. By electing to walk away from the scene, you are giving your marriage the chance to survive against all odds and buying respect for yourself and family. The truth is that nobody hears or is a witness to the caustic and provocative tongues of the woman but everybody does when the man reacts by beating her. At the end of the day, the man gets the label of being violent and irresponsible. Be wise and avoid what will make others gather in your house to settle any marital rift. That you are avoiding confrontation doesn’t mean you make yourself weak, it just shows that you are man enough to manage your internal problems judiciously. It also indicates your ability, to compartmentalise your life, giving each subject its place. The man who takes pride in using muscles to settle marital problems is seen as weak and unbalanced. It infects every aspect because when sourcing for qualified hands to handle sensitive positions, domestic violence could stand in his way of progress. Men who command the absolute respect of their wives are those who have mastered the act of controlling their tempers. The fact that you don’t even raise your voice when arguing with your wife is enough to keep the woman in check and very respectful of you. As a husband, learn to show understanding always. Like you, she has her moments and moods, particularly as a woman. There are particular times of the month when hormonal imbalances influence a woman to behave out of tune. This is when she needs you to bear with her, understand her and offer whatever help you can no matter how minute. Because, more often than not, women don’t even understand these changes themselves. It is essential her husband make the effort to help her by making efforts to observe the particular time of the month when she becomes edgy. Although some men think it is unnecessary and something that has little to do with them, the truth is they are very wrong. When the woman of the house is happy, it affects everybody at home, just as her bad moods taint all. By going that extra mile to make it your business, you would be protecting your marriage from the wear of having too many contentious issues to resolve. With just a measure of little attention and action by both parties involved, some of the challenges that later become home-breakers can be averted. You also have to imbibe the habit of confiding and talking to her. Remember as your partner for life, she has a greater stake in your affairs. Engage her in all discussions because when the chips are down, she will be the only one standing by you. By talking to her, she becomes your best friend and confidant in addition to being your partner. As a friend, you are most likely to forgive her anything because this is what friends are meant for. In the bedroom, make sure you aren’t selfish. Good marriages take two to manage. Allow her the lead sometimes by encouraging her to experiment with ideas of her own. And when you take the lead, make sure you place her satisfaction too on the front burner. Always ask her if she is okay with whatever you are doing as a husband. To keep the romance burning, take her out occasionally, buy her gifts, send her romantic messages just as if you were both still dating. Also, by developing a keen sense of joke, you make things that ordinarily should be difficult easy to do. And as a father, always make out time for the children. Get to know their friends, what they are doing in school by attending some of their ceremonies. Create a family time for you all to talk and grow as a team. And as the head of the home, ensure you show the right example by your involvement in the things of God. There must be a family time to pray and fellowship with God daily, because He remains the head of every home. Besides, He is the only one you should allow into your marriage. Keep third parties out of your marriage at all times for peace to reign. In addition, always insist on settling every disagreement so it doesn’t build up to a level you both lose yourselves in the problems. Good luck.

Has she another boyfriend?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I met a girl on one of the social networks four months ago. Then, I was serving in Kaduna State while she was serving in Lagos State, but now, I am based in Lagos. I invited her to my office and she came. When she celebrated her birthday few weeks ago, I wanted to take her out that day, a Sunday, but she told me she would be with her boyfriend. Agatha, I like her and I desire to date her. What should I do? Do you think she has a boyfriend or she was just trying to pull my legs? Curious Boy. Dear Curious Boy, What makes you think she would lie about having a boyfriend? Isn’t she old enough to have one? What do you think would be her motive of lying to you about having a man in her life if she doesn’t? Often than not, the impression that women lie to mask their feelings for a man is an old line that has caused many men to lose the women that would have given them happiness in life. Not many women take kindly to being called liars especially the ones that have a very clear sight of where they are going to in life. Under normal circumstance, she should be in a very serious relationship, one that would lead to marriage in the not distant future by now. The fact that she disclosed the information on her birthday, when she would naturally want to celebrate, means she is telling the truth about the state of her private affairs. If she didn’t want you to know, is considering having a relationship with you, she wouldn’t have mentioned her boyfriend, rather she would come up with a reason other than the truth to explain her inability to spend her day with you. Besides, if she is in such a relationship, you don’t expect her to end it simply because you are interested in her. You won’t be the first man to have expressed an interest in her; other men before you too must have expressed their intentions in her. If she keeps considering every man that makes a pass at her, when will she be serious and settle down? Your feelings for her are natural. As long as a woman is attractive, no matter her age, men will always express a desire to have a space in her life. It is the way God made women and men. Therefore, what you feel for her is very natural but you must also accept the fact that she doesn’t need a reason not to feel that way about you. How would you feel if another man makes a move to take over your girlfriend? That she told you about wanting to be with her man on her birthday underscores her seriousness. The earlier you accept this, the better for you. It is important so you don’t destroy the friendship you are both trying to build with each other. Not every expression of love will end in a relationship, but every meeting can lead into a lifetime of quality and purposeful friendship. If you like and want her in your life, keep her as a friend. She doesn’t have to be your lover to share in your ideas and provide the necessary support. Some friendships have the capacity to last a lifetime when well managed by the pair involved. Respect and allow her be. Every relationship needs encouragement to grow and succeed. As a friend, you owe her this. Good luck. Dear Agatha, I have a boyfriend who either switches off his phone or simply refuses to respond to me whenever we have a misunderstanding and I apologise. I am at a loss on how to handle this situation. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, This is a sign that you have to consider so many things before going deeper into this relationship because it is ominous — a sure signal that things are not the way they should be in your relationship. You don’t ignore things like this simply because you want to be in a relationship. At the end of the day, they become the very problems that will break up the relationship. They may appear minor but will become monsters of tomorrow. Since arguments and disagreements are vital parts of relationship building, now that you have the opportunity to either remedy the situation or reconsider your options, ask him why he thinks you deserve to be treated the way he is doing whenever you both have an argument. His answers will give you a reason, a peep into his mind. Ideal love should not seek to punish but to correct. By ignoring your calls even after you have offered apologies isn’t right. He should know exactly how you feel and the many disturbing questions you are jogging around your mind. What will be will be! Keeping quiet about it will not make it go away just as talking about it will end the relationship if God says you are both going to remain an item. My fear is, if you don’t set things right now, you will never be able to in the future. Good luck.

I beat up my husband’s mistress, now he’s married to her

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, How do I handle this problem that is threatening to tear my home apart? Last month, with the help of some of my friends, I went to the house of my husband’s mistress to beat her up. The result is my husband’s decision to marry her as his second wife and bring her to live in the same compound with us. He has started clearing the vacant flat downstairs for her to move in. He says since I have gone to unearth what he kept secret from me out of respect, he no longer has a reason to keep the other woman outside. In fact he has gone with his friends and family to pay her bride price. Perhaps the worst kind of betrayal is from one of my friends, the one who urged me on to fight the other woman. She accompanied my husband for the ceremony. She is the wife of his best friend and whom I learnt recently is also contending with the existence of a mistress in her own marriage. She knew about her husband’s girlfriend but never went to fight her; rather she kept her cool, pretending she didn’t know anything. Since the incident happened, she has kept her distance from me and is actually joining her husband in castigating my action. It was even her car my husband’s mistress used in packing some of her things into the house. I really don’t know what to do because right now, I feel like strangling her and my husband. Sometimes, I feel that someone is using juju to discredit my person. I have been married for 12 years and have managed to keep my home. Although my husband from the beginning has been complaining about my attitude to things, he has nevertheless managed me; so why now that things are looking very good for both of us and he is an honourable member of our state house of assembly? I have always had a temper and been extremely jealous and he has always been aware of these facts. If at all I have done anything wrong, shouldn’t I be reprimanded instead of him marrying another woman? In my own way, I have been a very good and dutiful wife to him. I am all alone; not even my siblings are supporting me. My parents are dead. My elder sister was recently awarded a big contract through my husband’s influence so she is also keeping her distance from me. He is also responsible for the welfare of my other siblings. In fairness to him, he is caring. Despite the latest development, he hasn’t denied me anything. Just last week, he bought me a brand new car for my birthday. I give it to him, he is a good man. But, I don’t want to share him at all. I want him all to myself. I am very upset about all that is happening to me. I feel like beating her up all over again. Unfortunately, there is no one to trust with my feelings, anger and sense of betrayal. I am hurting so much because I love my husband with all my heart. He is my world. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Please resist the urge to fight your husband’s second wife. Remember she isn’t his mistress anymore but his wife. You may not like her, the situation or circumstances but, she has the same status as you do in his life as well as the same rights. The fact that she is a new member of the family puts you at a very great disadvantage. Even if she is the one at fault, the fact of your position as the first wife, a hurting one for that matter who is known by everybody to be jealous and troublesome would make you guilty in the views of the world. You have done enough harm already; don’t complicate things for yourself by fighting her again. This is fate already accomplished. Except God decides otherwise, this woman has come to stay by your own foolishness and foul temper. Your attitude gave your husband the impetus to bring her home; a decision he wouldn’t have taken if you had not gone to disgrace and expose him to his political enemies. Granted, he is wrong but you are even more wrong for going to the house of the other woman to fight her with your friends. Two wrongs have never been known to produce positive results. What if the other woman had stripped you and a photojournalist was around to take pictures of you in that state for onward publication? How would you have explained the situation to the world? Do you think the publication would have aided or destroyed your husband’s political career? As the wife of a public officer, you are expected to be above board; to apply restraints even in the face of extreme provocations while in public. Besides the affair over which you went to fight is personal to you and your husband, something you could have tackled in the privacy of your home and not in public. By your actions, you have succeeded in devaluing your husband before his subjects. You also offended those who before now had sympathy for you. This perhaps informed the decision of your husband to bring the other woman home as his second wife so you won’t have the need to go and disgrace him anymore. That he didn’t throw you out, bought you a new car on your birthday, underscores his love for you. His decision to take a new wife maybe extreme but it is an indication that you have a lot of work to do on yourself and home. I know how you feel exactly but you will only be hurting yourself in more ways than one by dwelling on the past and the event that brought her home officially. The thing now is to move on by going back to the drawing board to re-plan your marriage and relationship with your husband. Don’t forget that his attention now is divided between you and his new wife. The earlier you accepted this fact, the best for you. You now have another woman sharing your space, so things have to be done differently to remain relevant in his life. The first place to begin is your temper. There is nothing one cannot change if determined to. This temper of yours has caused you so much. It is time to banish it from your life. The best revenge for the kind of friends you have is to ensure you remain in the marriage. Rather than fight her, go on your knees and ask God for help in controlling your impulsiveness. Tell Him to make you a better person, the kind of woman who is supportive, understanding, respectful and wise when dealing with her husband. Going to publicly fight his mistress shows that you don’t care about his career or his position in the society. A wise woman knows what not to do, no matter what. The truth is that men will be men especially a successful politician like your husband. If you keep exhibiting temper and jealousy at every woman seen with him, you will end up choking him out of existence. For now, ignore the existence of the other woman and work at winning him back. You have to daily give him reasons to value and appreciate your presence in his life by being his friend and number one supporter. Strive to make the home peaceful for him and the whole family. Although he has resolved this matter in his own way, still go and apologise to him. Where you once used force, be humble now. It won’t take anything from you to say sorry. It is a start for the complete healing of your home. Overtime, find ways of being cordial with the other woman. As a matter of fact, you have to take this step to water down the influence of your former friend in all your lives. Such people should be kept out of your home because she can do more harm than she has already done. Honestly, the way you handle this challenge will go a long way in determining the success of your home as well as the happiness of your children. This is the time for you to play the role of a mother more than that of a wife until your home stabilises. It is the price you have to pay for allowing friends determine your life for you. Depend more on God for counsel than friends. Good luck