She is a difficult woman

Dear Agatha, I need your advice on this issue please. I met my girlfriend in 2011. When I made known my interest in her, she told me, she was in an existing relationship. Because I love her so much and wish to marry her, I waited a year because of her. Finally, she came to inform me that she had broken up with the guy. I was very happy and welcomed her. But the problem is, she invited me to her house on her birthday, and introduced me to her family and cousins. Now she wants to meet my family though she communicates with them on the phone. My problem is; everybody in my family says she is jovial, nice, cool and friendly but to me, she is a hard-nut to crack and she never gives me time the way she gives my family and friends. Though she told me what she went through with her ex, I don’t know if she loves me or just being cautious. I’m so confused. Segun. Dear Segun, Patience wins the race. If she had issues with her former boyfriend, experienced certain kinds of pressures, it follows she would want to be a little cautious in handling her relationship with you. Don’t forget you have had time to express, nurse and grow your love for her. She is just beginning to get to know you as well as nurture her feelings for you. In addition, she may also be trying to avoid some of the mistakes she made in her former relationship. But one thing is for sure, she has certain feelings and trust in you to make her bring you home to her family. If she isn’t serious about you, she won’t take the risk of introducing you to her family because of the implications inherent in exposing her relationship to them. If she is demanding you do the same, it means she is ready for something serious with you. Introducing you to her family is her way of communicating her seriousness to you. Demanding that she too would want to meet with your family members is an indication she wants to be happy after, in this relationship. From your story, if there is anyone who should be worried in this relationship, it is this lady whose demand you take her to meet with your family, is yet to be met by you. Meeting them isn’t the same as talking with them on the phone. In addition, if your family describes her as being friendly and jovial, then she must be. Which brings us to the issue of why you think she doesn’t love. Precisely what is giving you the impression? Her attitude towards you or the fact that she appears a little bit complex for you to handle? Part of what you fell for is her complexity. Something in her must have arrested your heart to make you wait for her for the length of time that you did. There is no relationship without its ups and downs. Every relationship comes with certain measure of sacrifices; one you must be ready to make for the sake of the future you plan with this woman. Just like you have your own weak and strong points, she has hers too. Rather than get discouraged by the little of her that you have seen, encourage her to talk about her wants and dislikes. From this early, inculcate the habit of open dialogue. Just as you are apprehensive about her, she too may have noticed certain things in your attitude making her cautious of you. But if you begin early to discuss with her some of your fears about her personality, it would not only help your relationship become better, but also assist you a lot in having a deeper understanding into her person. You may find out that the thing frightening you about her, could be the things that will in later years give you so much pleasure. A viable and successful relationship is one grown with patience, tolerance, understanding, selflessness, trust and prayers. There is no way you can get the best of her if you don’t give her the freedom to first be who she is, before being part of you. It is also imperative you allow her to heal from all the experiences from her former relationship by trying not to force her into a situation she doesn’t want. Besides, every good fruit needs time to ripe. You also need to examine yourself so that you can appreciate her the way your family members are doing. The problem may not really be from her but from your own end. Many a time, when we have problems with our attitudes to life, we often fail to notice the goodness in people around us. This maybe why you think she is too hard a nut for you to crack. Again you have to examine the kind of woman you want in your life. Do you want a woman who will constantly submit to you without asking questions or the kind that has the initiative to take certain decisions on her own? The reason you could be finding her difficult, may be in your own perception of women. If you are the kind of man who is more at home with a woman who depends on her man for the most mundane things, it might be difficult for you to appreciate her kind of person. Sincerely, her problem has to do with your position on women. Be frank on what you want from this woman in your life. Good luck.

How do I stop this act?

Dear Agatha, I’m a boy of 25 years of age who started masturbating at the age of 18. I have been trying to stop it but to no avail. I simply can’t. Please help. Confused Guy. Dear Confused Guy, Masturbation is like addiction to drugs. You need to first acknowledge that it is a problem you are ashamed of and one you want to get rid of in your life. The thing is growing the determination to stop it. As with all other addictions, it has to be gradual. There is no way you can stop it suddenly because you didn’t become dependent on the habit in one day. First, it was a tentative gesture until it became a way of life with you like the pyramid. Therefore, ending the habit has to be gradual too; this time around, using the inverted pyramid approach in your quest to beat the habit. Set realistic goals for yourself; the time frame that is practical to you. Thinking of how long it took you to become dependent on it, will help you come to a realistic conclusions on the time you would require to end it. Another way to go about it, is to avoid the kinds of thoughts and situations that usually bring about the urge to stimulate yourself. Because it has become a way of life, the usual cold bath may not work in your case which means you must avoid being alone most of the time. Some men are known to excite themselves when in the bathroom. It is something they cannot help. If this applies to you, rush the process of your bath and cleverly avoid lingering on your anatomy. Fill your mind with thoughts that are inimical to sexual urges; the kind that will make all thoughts of sexual excitement vanish from your mind. You can also find help in the words of God. Read the Bible close to the time you want to take your bath. Retain the thoughts in your mind until you finish taking your bath and dressing up. At night when the urge is more potent, get a thriller film to watch or book to read. If the urge threatens to suffocate you, don’t feel bad if you end up doing it. Nobody expects you to beat the habit in a day; life makes more meaning when after each fall, we are able to rise again. This is where most people get it wrong; wanting to do it all in one day. There is no immediate remedy to addiction so don’t condemn yourself or get frustrated any time you suffer a set back. What you need is sheer determination to end it within the stipulated time frame you gave yourself. If you live alone, look for a very positive and strong minded friend to help you out. Most addictions need the help of friends and family to end. When you have a friend who loves to pray and offer words of encouragement, it makes it easier. Just be positive minded and lean on God by reading the Bible. His presence will make the habit very easy for you to defeat. Good luck.

He means everything to me

Dear Agatha, I am 23 years old. There is this man I dated during my service year, who is 26 years old. We did almost everything together until we broke up some months after my youth service. He told me he preferred us to be best of friends since we enjoyed exceptional bond even as lovers. I accepted his proposition and remained friends with him. We kept communicating everyday, and hardly got angry with each other. We kept acting as if we were still dating and I kept turning down other men with the hope this man and I would still come back together as a couple. Even when I accepted one of the men interested in me on a trial basis, I felt depressed as if I was betraying someone by dating this other guy. So of recent, I had to pour out my mind to him and to ask him to come clean regarding the exact position of our relationship. I told him the current status of our friendship left me confused and was preventing me from moving on. I further explained it was wasting my time especially as I had nothing substantial to hold on to. He told me cared about me and would want to come back into my life. He admitted that he hasn’t been fair to me at all and that he had been fearful of me announcing the presence of another man in my life to him. He said he did what he did because he wasn’t sure I would have the patience to wait for him to be ready since he desired to further move on with his studies. Although I told him I would wait, I gave him one month to think about his options to be very sure. That one month expired during the Easter period. He promised to see me on Easter Monday, he didn’t; he gave excuses and fixed another day; the same thing happened. He didn’t show up. I got angry and sent him a text message telling him not to bother to come again and that he shouldn’t worry about me or talk about our pending matter since his attitude communicated his decision clearly to me. For a week, none of us bothered to call each other. I wasn’t comfortable with the situation, so I called him. He was extremely cold to me on the phone. I am so confused because I do love him. I don’t know if he does. He tells me he loves me but keep pushing me away from him. My friends say I should forget him and move on with my life by giving another guy a space in my heart. Some say I should give him time; that he cares but is focused on his career now. Heart Broken Dear Heart Broken, Having finished your youth service, this is the time to get serious with your life. If this man is shy to come clean with his plans for you, avoids giving you a complete assurance, it would be pointless waiting for him. No matter how much he loves you, his inability to tie himself down to a commitment to you invalidates whatever claims of love he has for you. As it is, you cannot lash him down to anything tangible, except the obvious, that you should move on with your life; that for now, all he can offer you is friendship. He is being as sincere as possible. This makes his claim to love for you factual in the sense that he doesn’t want to hurt you or give you false hopes concerning his plans for you. In his own way, he is telling you that in his current state of mind and position in life, he has nothing to offer you by way of security or clear plans. Deep down, he is aware that having finished school and your service year, you would be under pressure by your family and friends to get married. Should he agree to having you back in his life and you go with his current vague plans, do you think you have the stamina to withstand the pressures of your friends and family? This is the point a woman gets to in life, and tells herself the truth. Knowing the mind set of most young women your age; do you think you can wait for him? Will you not begin to pressure him once one or two of your friends begin to get married? This is the situation this young man appears to be running from. He wants the freedom to marry only when he is ready, not when you are. Since you appear so fixed on him, one sacrifice you have to make is to find time to visit him at his base to discuss personally with him. This is one issue, telephone promises will not resolve. He will keep disappointing you because he hasn’t been able to determine his own dilemma with himself. He is obviously struggling within himself to do what he feels is right for you and him. He is conscious of the impatience of the average young woman once her mind is primed on getting married. He appears not to want any of it until he establishes himself. Something in your discussions when both of you were together may have frightened him to make this hasty retreat. At 26, the average man isn’t in a hurry to settle down whereas at 20, some girls are ready to. But you have to come up with suggestions of how best to handle the lock-jam your relationship is suffering from. First, when you go to him hear his options. To have something to hold on to, encourage him to be detailed in his plan map to you. Ask him exactly how much time he wants; this is to enable you gauge what your options with him are as well as the other choices you have. For instance, if he wants five years of your time, can you give him? What would you be doing in those five years? Even if you do decide to also further your education, can you as a woman trust him to keep to his promise? These are issues sentiments and feelings cannot resolve. You need a clear mind to come to realistic decision here. If he is asking for more time, what would be your age by then? At that age, can you begin again? What would be your viability then as a woman? What would be your indemnity value then? Insurance companies always put a lot of things into consideration before insuring anything. The same thing applies to relationship. You cannot afford to be careless with your future. It is important you think wisely before giving a commitment against your future. If he agrees to meet with you, ensure you do not short charge yourself on the altar of wanting to be with him at all cost. If what he is offering you is what you are sure you can give, accept it but apply the brake, if you aren’t too sure. The reason you must see him is to help both of you resolve what appears to be a pending matter between the two of you. From your letter, both of you appear to be in love with each other but don’t know how to execute the love because of the extraneous issues that have crept in. Fair enough, he has a right to further his education; just as you have the right to be happy. It is this equilibrium, you must work out. You must be ready to move on if he isn’t forth coming with his plans. You can only work it out if he is willing to let you stay in his life. Most times, things don’t work out the way we want. You may think he is the best thing to have happened to you but, how would you know a better alternative is available if you don’t give another man the chance into your life? So, take the urgent step to resolve this with him to enable you move on with your life. Goodluck

I’m infatuated with my married pastor

Dear Agatha, Please, I urgently need your help. I am in love with my pastor. It is so profound that I cannot stand the sight of his wife. I live everyday for him and even seen us getting married sometime in the future. I am a member of the church choir. What should I do, as I cannot live without him? Laura. Dear Laura, Leave the church before you destroy not just the church but this man’s home as well. The intensity of what you feel is capable of leading to a crime; the kind you will end up regretting only after you had done it. What you feel isn’t love at all but infatuation, a kind of obsessive feeling that is capable of even killing a perceived rival. The fact that you are unable to stand the sight of the wife is an indication that you are crossing the line of sanity. If what you feel is normal, you will be able to fight it, because true love is a gentle spirit which can last forever without being violent. That you are dreaming of the two of you getting married is itself an indication that, given the opportunity for you to harm the wife, you will do it without blinking, as long as it is a means to getting your heart’s desires. You must realise that everything you feel for this man is wrong. Apart from being a married man, which makes him unavailable to you, he is also a servant of God, commissioned to uphold the word of God. If you tempt him to derail, a lot of people would derail with him; the thousands of people who have faith in him and his ministry. These are people who have tied their all to the ministry of this man, who see in him a representative of the God they don’t see, whose words and works give them a glimpse of the nature of God. As a chorister, you also occupy a unique place in the church; that of ministering to the spiritual needs of the people through songs. Doubtless, temptations are a compulsory part of the life of every true Christian; the truth remains that when such temptations come, we use all that we have to ward them off. The truth is, the more you are exposed to the company of this pastor, the less likely you are of ridding yourself of these feelings. What you feel for him will only get worse. Even if what you feel for him is the real thing; there is no way you can have him. Therefore, stop tormenting yourself by building castles in the air as far as this man is concerned. Moving out of the church, away from everything he represents, will help open your heart to another man. Frankly, you need the presence of another man, who cares for you, to neutralise whatever you feel for this pastor. You will never be able to accept another man if you continue to nurse your fantasies about being the wife of this pastor. When you move away, it will be easier for you to pray yourself out of these feelings. Many a time, out of sight can suppress strong feelings of love or the likes. If you don’t want to do it for him, do it for yourself because at the end of the day, it is your reputation and life that would suffer. You cannot live everyday for a man who isn’t yours. It doesn’t make sense. We are all entitled to some forms of fantasies, but when it becomes as strong as you living your life for someone who is out of your reach, then it is a very dangerous feeling. You must therefore learn to begin to live for yourself, have dreams of a man of your own. Once you grow the determination to leave this man, you will discover a freedom you never thought you had; the liberty to trust more in your person. Above all, ask God for help to overcome this temptation. Good luck.

He can’t give me what I want

Dear Agatha, I have been married for 11 years. My husband loves me more than anyone else in this world. I knew about his erectile dysfunction when I was dating him. But at that time, I was very ignorant and didn’t know the gravity of his problem. Even after marriage, I and my husband had a very loving and satisfying relationship but I miss some measure of romantic advances from him. I thought being 12 years older than I am, his mindset and views on sex were different from mine. Now I am 35 years old. I have really matured as a woman in the last couple of years. Now, I feel terrible when I am sexually unsatisfied; and lately, I have had a sexual relation with one of my friends who was really sexually awesome. Unfortunately, he has a girl friend so he and I had to discontinue with our relationship. My husband is in the know about this relationship; he is, as a matter of fact very opened about my having affairs with other men. But I am very sad. I feel like having a complete sexual and emotional relationship but I do not want to divide my emotions between two men. Besides, I don’t want to leave my husband because I love him; he is my best friend as well. But on the other hand, I am suffering from the pain of separating from my friend with whom I had such a satisfying sexual relationship. I do not want to ruin his life by forcing him to leave his girl friend. Now, I am unable to decide or take another emotional tie but my sexual desire remains so strong that almost every day, I cry for hours at my destiny. I love my husband but I am not sexually connected to him. I may find sexual pleasure with another man but that will cause me further pain as I do not want to abandon my husband and leave him alone at this age. What do I do? How do I help myself? Please advice me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, What kind of persons are you and your husband? What manner of marriage are you both executing? Even if your husband demands it of you, as the woman whose body is involved, must you agree to such bizarre arrangement? How can this kind of perversion be a solution to whatever is wrong in your marriage? For goodness sake, it is your reputation that is involved here. People who observe you having extra-marital affairs, won’t call your husband names, it is you that will be called all manner of names. Even though I find the story of your husband knowing you are having affairs outside the home a little strange, how does sleeping with these other men resolve the problem both of you have in your marriage? That he is 12 years older than you doesn’t make him ancient or your problems insurmountable. He is just 47 and not 74. He is relatively young and able to adjust if only you both know what you want from each other. If your complaint is lack of romance, have you sat him down to tell him how you want to be romanced? Sincerely, a lot of men are guilty of this. Many of them don’t understand the desires of the woman to be held and petted. Not many men appreciate this kitten nature of a woman. Most men think it is absolute waste of time to have foreplay before and after sex. It is your duty as the woman to insist on it as well as show your man how you want to be romanced. The man you think is super in bed is doing it because what you both are doing is forbidden. There is a certain measure of madness and wildness that come within the territory of an illicit affair. I am sure his regular girlfriend won’t think him so super because with her he doesn’t have a point to prove. He invested time and energy in your case because it is what you came out of your marriage to get. He had the responsibility of satisfying your fantasy. By the time you become his regular woman, he won’t have any need to inject so much energy into it. It isn’t something that happens deliberately but happens all the same when a man and woman have become used to their ways. So why not initiate a discussion with your husband over this issue? Knowledge of sex like every other thing in life needs to be visited by way of discussion by couples and upgraded to keep the union intact. If you are still operating with the knowledge or quality of sex you came into marriage with, there is no way you will be satisfied. Couples should be able at all times to evaluate their performances with a view to adding exciting vibes into their union. It is time you sat your husband down for a complete discussion. That he is supporting your extra-martial affairs calls to question your so-called love for each other. Morally bankrupt as the world has become, no sane man will support his wife’s extra-marital affair unless the man is completely impotent and desires to father children by other men to mask his problem. Is this the issue in your marriage? There are many couples out there with your kind of challenge but who have devised ways of working around it. You talk as if you were a child bride. Were you forced into the marriage? Did you have to marry him at the time you did? If you are 35 now, it means you got married at 24 since you say you have been married for 11 years. At that age, you were more than mature to know what you were going into. At that age, you could tell the difference between quality sex and manageable one. He must have given you certain kinds of fulfillment to make you decide to spend the rest of your life with him. Chances are you got introduced into your new sexual passion by one of the affairs you had. The truth is whatever prompted your marrying him then, you feel no longer apply. Although you didn’t say it, but it appears you have fallen in love with someone else and only using the health situation of your husband as an excuse for your affairs. Whatever your reasons for having an extra-martial affair, it is wrong for you to stay married to your man and have an affair with another man. What you are doing goes against every moral law-both of God and man. The least you can do is to end your marriage if you are no longer gaining any emotional satisfaction from it. To stay with your husband and sleep with other men is unpardonable. Rather than invest your time and emotions thinking of the kind of sex you can get from these men that litter your life, have you thought of helping your husband overcome his challenge? As his wife, what steps have you taken in terms of seeking expert opinion on the issue? In addition, what kind of erectile dysfunction is your husband suffering from? As I asked earlier, is he completely impotent, cannot last for more than a second or that his sperms pour out of your body once it is over? If he can get up but lacks the stamina to last beyond the first minute, what you should do is rely on heavy romance to make it work for both of you. A lot of people frown on oral sex but it has its usefulness when it comes to sexual satisfaction especially in situations like yours. It has preserved so many marriages. If his sperms come out immediately you get up, use pillows to elevate your buttocks to give deep access inside you. This way, he is able to deposit his semen close to your womb. Since your grouse isn’t with his inability to give you a child; this might not be your concern but you need to know if you still want to stay married to this man. If you call someone your best-friend, it means you would do anything to make that person happy. Do you think that deep down your husband is happy at the knowledge of you in another man’s hand? Can you boast about your affairs to your friends and family members? It is either you end this marriage and remain his friend or you make up your mind to make the essential sacrifice needed to make this marriage work. Where there is a will, there is always a way. There are various ways you can achieve sexual harmony in your marriage. I want you to answer this question; how would you feel seeing your husband in the arms of another woman? If you don’t feel anything, think it is fun; then you and this man are only pretending to have a marriage. Under the circumstance it would be best for you both of part ways and not further destroy each other for the right persons you each might meet later in life. At 47, he can begin a new life with the right woman who loves, supports and respects him. Good luck.