Let’s talk about sex

Dear Readers,

Wednesday, 24^th of this month is my birthday. In line with the promise I made two years ago, we are going into clinic today. We shall be discussing the irritating issue of sex in marriage. Over these last months I have received several letters on the place of sex in marriage as well as the havoc lack of sincerity on the part of couples who refuse to acknowledge the proper placement of sex is bringing to their marriages. 

Couples, especially men are under the impression that it is wrong for a woman to demand for sex from their spouses and actually go ahead to enjoy it. Men are usually of the opinion that any woman who displays vast knowledge on the issue of lovemaking lived a wayward life before meeting him.

Women who ordinarily would have wanted something different from their marriages are cowed into pretending to be happy with the quality of sex they get from their husbands while secretly wishing for something more.

The result is that many married women out of sexual frustration are being forced by the limitations placed on them by both their husbands and society to be having secret affairs outside their home to achieve their dreams and fantasy of a fulfilled sexual life.

This is because they don’t want their men branding them as being morally bankrupt. While some die in silent frustration, become increasingly disillusioned and actually act out their frustration on the man and everyone near them, a sizeable number of women are increasing seeking solace outside their homes. The best of their act which ideally should be given to their husbands are given to the men outside. Since the woman has no desire to protect any image with her lover, she drops every pretence and goes ahead to show the man she is with how vast she is in the game.

Unfortunate but it explains why so many marriages are having issues, challenges which should have been avoided in the first place. 

For couples to enjoy the benefit of a full marriage, the issue of sex must be discussed with as much openness as possible. Sex is integral to the success of a marriage hence couples should not pretend it doesn’t matter. It is more important an issue than the number of children a couple plans to have, more crucial than the issue of where to stay and the vision of the union. Frankly, without good sex, the couple might as well be planning on and planting on infertile land. 

Granted that from the ancient past, there are two rules guiding sex, the one that has to do with unmarried people and what should obtain after marriage, the fact remains that when one gets married, every anti sex lecture should be buried if the marriage is to work.

There is no law which prevents a woman from making the first move or telling her husband how she wants to be pleased in the bedroom. Every act of sex should be a special adventure between couples, an opportunity for both of them to take a memory trip down to fantasy Island. This is because, marriage is a lifetime trip and for it to retain its excitement, sex must be used as a weapon of stability and recreation at all times. It is the only thing that brings so much chemical reaction between a couple and patents the marriage as an exclusive preserve. It gives the man the right over the woman and the woman right over the man.

From the letters I get, I sense confusion in the minds of most women over the issue of sex. To be fair to them, this perplexity is valid especially for those whose upbringing paint a very dirty and horrifying picture of sex. For instance, there is this case I treated some few years ago. It had to do with a woman whose upbringing detailed sex as a tool only for procreation. Her husband couldn’t understand why she was being very uncooperative and lacking in understanding of his feelings. The wife maintained her stance stressing sex is dirty and not something decent people should engage in frequently. To her, it was only to be done when a couple desires to have babies. Inspite of her husband’s complains to her family and friends, nothing changed.  

At the end of the day, her husband impregnated another woman who today has taken over her home. By the time she came to me for help, it was too late to manage the issue for her. Even till now, she still finds it difficult to see sex as a something natural between couples. 

There is no doubting the fact that sex plays an integral role in the success or otherwise of any marriage. It is the cement that binds marriage, gives it character and oils the wheels of entertainment of the marriage.

Someone once described sex as the recreational aspect of marriage. It is what adds fun and value to marriage. However, for it to add value, a couple must be willing to trust each other, encourage freedom within the marriage because that is what would translate into premium sex between them. 

Sex establishes friendship and friendship energizes quality sex between a couple. 

No marriage is too old to benefit from the thrills of marriage. It is one of the aspects of marriage that lasts forever. 

For a new couple, one of the rules to a successful marriage is to adopt a sincere approach to sex. Whatever ideas couples come with from their homes and their lives as individuals into marriage, it is pertinent, for couples to do away with such ideas with a view of finding their own rhythm as well as understanding of each other’s thirst as well as sexual desires. 

Couples should adopt a very opened approach to the issue of sex as well as work out a method of communication when things are not working out well. Often than not, in the hassles of trying to earn a living, keeping home and paying bills, sex suffers. Either the man is too tired to do anything but eat or the woman too is exhausted from combining home work with official duties. Most times, sex becomes more of a function than an act of expressing love and celebration of the institution of marriage.

But when a couple has been able to break down every barrier between them, even on those days they cannot really get the act going, they are still able to bond and achieve fullness of the union through sexual communication act. 

It is really a simple matter of knowing what to say, the right looks, cuddle, smile and those special things that tell your partner though I am too tired to go through the act, but you are uppermost in my mind. It is called the love innuendoes.

These are those things that transform sex to lovemaking. This is why one couple can stay without having sex for a week and still feel very close and satisfied while another would be up in tension. 

Granted premarital sex, is one thing every young woman especially should avoid but the fact remains that sex is one of the best gifts God gave to married couples. Between married couples, only the best is good enough to sustain the union. To achieve this, like every other endeavor in life, couples should at all times strive to upgrade their knowledge, technique and applications of all that is involved to get the best of the gift. 

This is imperative if the marriage institution is to survive the threat of the other woman and man. To allow sex remain dormant is to court trouble. Every couple must in the interest of their marriage at all times pull it along to whatever level they are. It must grow, mature and enduring as the couples themselves. It must be spiced with different spices at all times to keep it attractive for the couple.

It isn’t just the act but everything that brings on the act. Therefore a lot imagination and help is requires especially by the woman to ensure her man doesn’t stray. 

Sex must be worn different garments and perfumes; given different platforms apart from the bedroom to keep it active. Any woman desirous of keeping her man should think of what would make the difference between what he gets at home and what he gets outside. Like food, everywoman must be able to brew her own special brew in the bedroom. 

If need be, everywoman should woo her husband with gifts to her bed. Her bed should be her love-nest, the kind no other woman can match let alone come in to steal away her man. In marriage, sex should be celebrated and not hidden in cupboards because whether we like it or not, we are products of other people’s sex life. 

Good luck. 

 

’m not sure I can trust her again…

I am an avid reader of your column, a 35-year-old married man and a professional based in Lagos. I have just heard the most shocking news of my life. During a recent argument, my wife had requested that I vouched on the fidelity of my mistress and I was ready to swear that she was absolutely faithful. However, before agreeing to swear to the oath, I called up my mistress and demanded she confirmed I was the only one she had been with in the four years we had been together. She confirmed I was the only one she has had sex with, but warned that I must not take any oath on her behalf.
You can imagine the shock and surprise I felt when weeks later, she admitted she has had sex with two other men, save that she had been raped by the men in 2007. I recall that she had told me in 2007 that her landlord got some thugs to invade her residence. I
had demanded from her then if the men assaulted her and she had flatly
denied. Of course, hearing the news of the rape broke me and I
sympathised with her but I also wondered what else she must have been hiding from me all these years.
I trusted her so much that I was ready to divorce my wife to marry
her. I had even instructed my lawyer to hand over the sole landed
property I had to her should I die untimely. Now I seem to be in a
fix. I still love but I’m not sure I can trust her again. I’m tempted to give my wife a second-chance, but can’t leave my mistress especially at such a delicate time as this. What do I do?
Cy

Dear Cy,

Precisely how delicate is this time? And for whom is this time fragile for, you or her? If she was raped three years ago, why didn’t she tell you then? Why did she lie about it when you demanded to know if she was assaulted? What steps did she take to sue the landlord since her assailants were faceless and came into her home on the orders of a known person?

Why did she wait until now to tell you what she couldn’t tell you when the issue was fresh and the doctors could still detect evidences of violent entrance into her body? Was she ever going to tell you the truth about that incident if you didn’t ask her? 

If true she was raped that day, you being her man should have been the first to know. She should have given you the opportunity of protecting her from the landlord. That she kept quiet is evident of something else, perhaps a story she doesn’t want to tell you. Who was she protecting back then that made her deny any assault on her person? These are questions begging for answers.

You definitely have your reasons for wanting to do away with your wife but in doing so, be careful you don’t walk away from frying pan into another. The grass always appears greener on the other side of the fence. Mostly we don’t appreciate what we have until we lose it.

Ask yourself this question in the silence of the night, when no one or thoughts disturb you, take out your wife from the cupboard of time where you have banished thoughts of her. Go back the very first moments you both met and how it was between the two of you. 

Can you still remember the reason you married her? Deep down, do you think she still has that thing irrespective of the current situation between the two of you?

This is no time to get angry or play up issues that are not important. Doubtless she must have hurt you in more than one ways to come to the conclusion that you want her out of your life, but do you think she alone committed the offence you accuse her of? Are you as just as you want everyone to think? Do you think it is right for you to flaunt this other woman in her face while she still stays in your home as your wife? If this other woman turns out to be more of a disappointment than your current wife, what would you do? Divorce her and marry another?

There is no one who comes perfect from God. We all have one defect or the other. Often than not, the mistakes we notice in others come from our own impatience as well as inability to open the personal manuals of our friends and loved ones. We want our loved ones to perform from our own manuals forgetting each an everyone one of us come with our own private code which gives us a uniqueness from others around us. What you today perceive as her own faults may be as a result of your inability to understand and appreciate who exactly she is. 

There is nothing as frustrating as living with someone who doesn’t understand what someone is all about. 

If you have decided to give her another chance, it is true that the issue between you isn’t beyond redemption. But, because there is another woman out there, the willingness as well as determination to discuss your differences with a view of coming to an agreement is missing from your end.

Use this opportunity provided by what you described as this delicate period between you and your mistress to talk with your wife. Whatever it is that has gone wrong between the two of you, this is the time for both of you to come out in the open. 

Give her the chance too also to talk about her disappointments as well as reasons for her behaviour. There is no way two complete strangers can come together under one roof without disagreements, disappointments and moments of regrets. The human nature is such that issues will always come up between two people. If people from same parentage can have very fundamental issues between them; how much more both of you who come from different homes, ideologies, cultures, upbringings and values?

No matter how much one tries to avoid challenges in marriage, they will still come because it is human to disagree and agree. The best marriages are those that survived the penetrating heat of the goldsmith’s fire. Only the best gold comes out of the furnace in premium quality. The same principle applies to marriage. It must go through life’s oven, survive the heat to get to its true character. 

Every marriage requires devotion, annoying sacrifices, humiliating choices, tolerances, stupid patience, believe in the union, trust in God as well as honesty to make it work. It can’t work when any of these is missing, won’t bring out the best if one party is unwilling to take the blame of the other.

Marriage is scared and calls for constant devotion to make it work. To lay the blame of it on the doorsteps of one party only is to write whatever reasons both of you came together off. 

With a mistress somewhere in your life, you will never be able to think straight and give your marriage the drive to take it out of the woods. 

A mistress has all the time in the world to put her best foot forward because she has a goal to achieve but there is no hiding place for the wife constantly under scrutiny from her husband.

Frankly the issue here is not who is right or wrong but that of helping your marriage to move away from the point it is now. 

Without making the efforts, it will not move from the point it is now. 

Give you and your wife the opportunity to be happy together.

Re: Before her inability to hallow my privacy wrecks our marriage...

Read your mail and I quite appreciate your worries because I know exactly what you are going through, it is really not easy living with a disorganised human being. I say this because am in the same situation, in fact mine is even worse than yours. If I could, I will keep my own room while my husband keeps his. But I know it would affect the three months marriage such that the intimacy that has to be built into our marriage won’t be and the regular romance that comes with marriage won’t be there. So I have to bear and put up because I have no choice.
Since it is like this with you, keeping separate rooms will affect your marriage and give your wife room to start suspecting you even though there may be nothing. So just like Auntie Agatha said, call her and explain to her and having told her before the marriage about your choice, she should understand your need for neatness and organisation in your home. Your wife needs to be in your arms; you both have rights to each other’s space and you can’t say that you prefer to hold your pillow at night when you have a wife of your own. So be patient with her and teach her. I know that she loves you and her marriage; she will adjust gradually.
Marriage isn’t easy.
Cent.

Hard picking my dream man among them…

Dear Agatha, 

I have two boyfriends but I don’t love any of them. Now a married man that I don’t know what is wrong with his marriage is asking me out. What do I do?

Tina

Dear Tina, 

Ordinarily, I should ignore this letter because it signposts you as an unserious minded young lady. But on the second thoughts, I realised you really need some help.

Going out with two boys at the same time won’t help you focus on your life, and will deny you a direction of what you should do at every moment of it. Any woman, young and old, serious minded lady concerned about her image and who wants to make something positive out of life engages in multiple relationship. Once news gets around that you are the kind of girl that is into multiple relationships, only men who are out for fun would come your way. And those looking for wife materials would stay away because when it comes to the issue of marriage, the same men who came to you for fun would prefer a woman with untainted reputation.

Rather than risk having negative reputation, be bold enough to tell a man you feel nothing for that you are not interested. Have you thought of the possibility of these two men meeting at your place or even knowing each other? At the end of the day, would the negative publicity of your affairs with two men be worth whatever it is you are getting from them especially as you claim not to even love them?

There is also the issue of love you raised. What do you understand by love? This is what you should find out first. There is a whole world of difference between friendship and love. You can have these two boys in your life as friends nothing more. Your relationship with them should be healthy, devoid of any illusion of having something special between you and any of them. In such a relationship, you don’t have anything to defend or commitment beyond your friendship.

From the onset, the terms of association would be clearly understood from the beginning. We are friends and not having a relationship that has an undercurrent of romance. 

This way, you get to escape if the line of friendship is becoming unbearable without feeling bad or risking an unnecessary reputation that comes from soured relationship. 

To help you focus properly on your dreams as well as the future, avoid giving a vow you don’t have any intentions of honouring. 

The first thing to do is to spell out your feelings to these boys. Tell them you agreed to a relationship with them in error. That you don’t feel anything but friendship for them and since you won’t want to hurt them, and would appreciate being left alone for you to really make up your mind on what you want from life first. 

This way, you save yourself from the headache of going into fruitless relationship.  Just learn to be sincere with yourself at all times. Once you do that you won’t find yourself in a situation you don’t want at all. As for the married man, don’t get involved. Whatever challenge he is going through in his marriage isn’t any business of yours. Issues in marriages are meant to be tackled; such challenges are meant to give character to a marriage and help it have focus. Tell him you are not a solution to his marital problems and that he should go and resolve whatever the problems are with his wife. And that because you wish to live happily with a man one day, you shouldn’t be a party to another woman’s problem.

Good luck.

Pregnant, yet I’m his punching bag…

Dear Agatha,

I am 18 years old, married and eight months pregnant. My husband is 19 years of age and takes delight in beating me not minding that I am heavily pregnant. He doesn’t care as he slaps, punches, twists my hands and does whatever he wants to do. I am really tired of my life but I love him. I eloped with him in February this year and got married to him not long ago. We have been together for four years now and I really trusted him because he really loved and cared for me. Then he was always at my beck and call. He listened to me and treated me with respect. 

But he completely changed after our wedding. He has increasingly become hostile to me to the point he appears not to give a concern for my feelings at all. These days the very things I tell him not to do are the things that delight him. 

He wants me to know that he is the man and that I am the woman. I have tried to accommodate this by allowing him take all the decision while I simply obey. However the recent trouble started when I tried to stop him when he indicated a desire to go the gym at 3am. Because I raised an objection, he started hitting me. He gets angry for no reason whatsoever. He now expresses a desire to leave me, get a divorce once there is a minor disagreement between us.  

Agatha, I can’t leave him because I really love him. I feel as if my life is captured in his life. I can’t do without him. I really love him but he wants so much to get rid of me.

To think this is the same person who before marriage never went out without my permission. Once I raised an objection to whatever he wanted to do, he would immediately desist from it to please me.  

These days he deliberately goes out and leaves me all alone. He doesn’t care that I am eight months pregnant and could go into labour at any time from now. Please help me. I am in need of good counsel. I am very stressed and helpless. It’s been one problem or the other since I got pregnant. I am scared of losing him and the baby. 

Tccc.

Dear Tccc, 

At 18 and 19, you are both too young and immature to handle the situation you have both placed yourselves in, parenthood is tasking and demanding. Ideally both of you should be in school, under the protective custody of your parents and enjoying the freedom and wildness of the teenage years. 

If he is complaining, it is because he lacks the knowledge and understanding of how to handle being a father at an early age when he should be partying with friends; going after different girls for the fun of it. He sees in you a barrier to all the things he wants to do, hence the frequency at which he lashes out on you. Before you both married he had all his freedom. Now not only is he married at his age but also going to be a father when he should be in the disco halls. He is frustrated because while he is thinking of baby food and diapers, his friends would be talking about girls and parties. None of his friends is in the position he has found himself. For someone who isn’t as matured as he is, this is enough to make him take a temporary leave of his sanity. Suddenly every dream he has for the future is collapsing before him like a pack of cards because he now has a wife and child to consider. He is frustrated because everywhere he turns around you, screams responsibility. Beating, lording over you as well as issuing threats are the only weapon he now has to order his world. Cowardly, but until he comes to term with what he desperately wants to wish away, wake up, you may not see much of the man you fell in love with. 

In his current state of mind, he thinks you are at fault, hence someone he has to move away from to be free from the emotional nightmare he has currently. He has worked himself up to believe that if you didn’t get pregnant, run away from home and agreed to marry him, he would still be free to do as he likes. Deep in his mind, you are his dream killer so be careful because in his current state of mind, he could really harm you without realising what he is doing until it’s too late to. He is presently too blinded by his own miseries to care too about how much pains he is inflicting on you or how you feel for that matter.

Frankly, you made the greatest mistake of your life by absconding with him. What were you thinking leaving home when you should be in school planning for the years ahead? As you must have realised not all that glitters is gold. Marriage and parenthood are a different ball game from dating. This is the time for you to retrace your steps irrespective of your state or what you have done. It is obvious both of you cannot stay together for now. He may unwittingly harm you in one of his annoyances. You are too young to handle this on your own and the situation isn’t good for your health. You need all the strength on your delivery day to be able to aid the baby come out. Besides, you need encouragement and care to ensure the labour goes smoothly. 

There is no one who can look after you exactly like your mother. No matter her level of disappointment at your behaviour, she would never want you dead. You are in a precarious situation at least until your husband realises that he owes you and the baby attention and care.

If you can’t go back home to your parents on your own, out of fear, go through their respected friends or pastors, who would go on your behalf to plead with them. Apologise to them and explain the situation you are facing. If you are in Lagos, I could go with you to see them if it would be of any help too. You should also consider informing his parents about your situation. Don’t forget the baby in your womb is their grandchild, hence the need for you to contact them for help. Besides soliciting for forgiveness and help from your two families, learn to accord your husband some level of respect. No man likes to be told by his wife how to conduct his affairs. He always likes to be in charge. Getting permission from you before he goes out or does anything isn’t right. Yes, you have the right to be informed but telling him where he can go and can’t go isn’t part of your brief as the woman. You can only appeal to him, coax him into staying with you and not by commands.

From the tone of your letter, it is obvious that you have been making all the decisions in this relationship and that the idea of both of you eloping and getting married is yours. Be careful, you have already made one big mistake, don’t allow that domineering spirit in you push you into making another woman especially now that he is battling to come to terms with this situation as to get his freedom from the mess he is now.

If you want to have the baby alive, learn to keep your mouth shut; talk less and pray more to God to help both of you overcome this trying time. It is also imperative you begin to think of how you both are going to provide for the baby, something you can do to help cushion the efforts he would be making. Rather than devote your entire time nagging him on what to do or not, sit him down to discuss the possibilities of what you both can do to make ends meet when the baby comes. Even though you are both shying away from the fact of being expectant parents and marriage makes both of you older than your ages.

Begin to act like a woman who has the interest of her family at heart by coming up with exigency plans.

The best thing now is to think of a business you can begin, something that would bring in regular money and give you time to be with the baby as well as to continue with your studies. 

Always remember that the past isn’t as important as the future that is always there for one to make amends of mistakes made in the past. Yes, both of you didn’t think beyond the immediate when you took the steps that have brought you into this mess but your lives do not have to live on this mistake. Channel that strong will of yours into making something positive out of your lives together.

Marital battles are best fought on bent praying knees, and never through nagging. 

Good luck.

She isn’t fair enough…

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your columns. There is a saying that says it is better to do what’s right than to insist on being right.

I am 30-year-old, the eldest of my siblings. My immediate younger brother is married and already has a child. My people are pressurising me to marry irrespective of the fact that I am still in school. I’m demure and resilient. I used to have a girl friend always pestering me for money. 

Now, I have met another girl through her mother. 

It happened at a place I frequent to meet my friends. Because it is a place I must go to meet my friends, the lady’s mother is pressurising me to befriend her but I have refused. She’s into foodstuff business and always pestering me to buy on credit, though sometimes I oblige her. I can’t avoid her because she’s at the exit of the house. She always says she loves me because I am quiet. She’s from my hometown but married from another town. To get out of her pressure, I told her I prefer one of her daughters. Since the younger sister is the only one I have met besides the fact that the second daughter is always sharper than the first sister. So, I settled for the second. 

Agatha, I want to know if I should go ahead with this relationship.  She’s through with her secondary education. But the snag is that I like women who are very fair like me. She isn’t as fair as the ladies I have previous dated. Please help me.                            

Bernete.

Dear Bernete, 

The question is: what do you want from this relationship? Whether she is fair or not isn’t as important as the person who resides inside of her. Many a time, in the process of making a choice of who we want to spend the rest of our lives with we market issues that are not as important as those that we would contend with in the union. 

If just being fair is the only criterion for you, how come those other fair ladies you dated are no longer around you?

With the amount of pressure coming from your family, ensure the woman you are going to date now is the kind of woman you can live with for the rest of your life. At this stage of your life, anything can happen that would warrant your family and hers insisting you marry the woman. 

To avoid a situation where you would end up regretting your decision or blaming people around you for forcing you into a situation you don’t want, pause to think of what you understand by relationship in the first place. Is it for you just a physical thing one premised on outward qualities or the more lasting ones of who the person really is?

In addition, this relationship you are about going into calls for tremendous caution. If the conduct of the mother is anything to go by, there is the need for you to be of extreme care. To avoid you ending up with a wife, who like her mother would throw morals to the winds to run after younger men, take time out to study this lady before making any commitment to her. 

You must devote appreciable time to uncover the mask behind her personality. Issues like her moral values, her temper, attitude towards life as well as her place in your own plans in life are most important than the colour of her skin. 

There is also the need for you to ask yourself what kind of woman you really want beside you, putting into consideration your dreams in life. Your woman must have the drive and belief in your dreams to help you get to where you hope to be in future. Without the right kind of woman by your side, achieving your dreams would either be a struggle to achieve or die completely as other factors she would throw up at home could frustrate you sufficiently to make you give up on your own plans. For instance, if your dream can only accommodate two children and you end up with a woman whose dream in life is to have as many as 10 children, the difference of eight children is enough to sink your dream forever. So ensure you first offer her friendship, it is the only platform to discover if you and her can make it beyond the point you both are now. 

In addition, you must also factor in the attitude of her mother? Beyond trusting the daughter, do you think you can trust the motive of her mother? Can you trust her to behave like a mother-in-law should when the daughter isn’t around? A woman who has cravings for a particular man doesn’t just give up. Honestly, this to me is the major worry in all these! Can you contain the unbridle desire of a morally bankrupt mother? 

Please talk to God to avoid you going into a relationship that could cripple you spiritually.

Good luck. 

We’re like strangers sharing the same house

Dear Agatha,

I have a challenge in my marriage. My wife not only nags but she is lousy, dirty and knows nothing about fashion. 

She knew when we met that I love very fashionable women. 

In the first year of our marriage, she managed to hold on to the qualities I noticed in her. 

But eight years down the road and with three children, she has now neglected herself so much I can hardly recognise the woman that lives with me in the same house.

Honestly, I am fed up trying to correct her. She instantly flares up each time I try to bring up the issue of her appearance.

She ends up accusing me of having extra marital affairs and that I want to turn her into one of the women I am dating outside our home.

I don’t have a girlfriend now but I am seriously contemplating having one if it is the only way to have peace in my home. 

With a girlfriend, I won’t have to bother how my wife looks like or what it is she is not doing. I still care about her, which is why I am complaining, if I don’t there is no way I would notice all these things about her.

What I can’t reconcile with is the fact that she has allowed those around her shop to influence her negatively. 

She doesn’t behave like one who has seen the four walls of a school not to talk of being a graduate. 

Everything about her screams illiteracy.

It is so painful because this woman was once my pride. 

Her level of reasoning these days keeps baffling me. 

If I didn’t know better, I would brand her a complete illiterate. 

These days, I don’t even bother to discuss anything with her.                                                                        

I have done everything humanly possible to make her appreciate my feelings for her but she keeps frustrating me at every point.

I have gotten to that stage in this marriage where I am ready to walk away from it all but I don’t want my children to suffer. 

These days, I don’t feel any excitement for her and have been sleeping in the guest room for over two months now. 

The situation is that bad we are like two complete strangers sharing the same house.

Much as I have never supported divorce, Agatha, I am no longer interested in this marriage but I need help with the children. 

How do I do away with their mother without my decision having negative impact on the children?

Moses.

 

Dear Moses,

Marriage is a process of constant stock taking and realignments. 

Yes, you may have in your estimation done everything humanly possible, but until you achieve results, you haven’t done anything at all. Divorce is usually not the first option because there are no guarantees that the next person would fare any better. 

It only becomes an option when everything else fails and there is a threat to life.

In your case, there is no threat to life nor have you done all you should have to save your marriage.

From all you have said, it is obvious you lack the knowledge of how to get her back into line.

This means you have to get her people involved in the matter. 

No woman wants her marriage to collapse hence would do anything to protect it once she smells danger locking in the corner.

She hasn’t taken you serious in your complains because the matter is still limited to the two of you. 

Once you tell her people what you have been facing as well as your decision to walk away from it all, she would begin to take you serious. Nobody would tell her the truth like her people; these are people she grew up with and can’t accuse of bias like she would your people.

Tell them everything. At this critical stage, don’t hold back anything for the sake of your children. Also, go to those friends she started with; the once she grew up with and were in school together. 

Get them to use their lives to point her at the differences between them and her; remind her of her place.

Let them help you remind her that you are not against her interacting with those she is trading with but that she should be able to hold her own any day. 

She should be the one influencing them and not the other way round.

Since she is likely to protest you talking her out to get her the kind of dresses you want her to be in, look for a friend who has the time and passion for exercises. 

Pay for her to be enrolled in one of these exercises centers. 

Give this friend money to take her shopping. Pretend not to be involved in the efforts of her friends to repackage since it might cause a division between the two of you.

In a way, you are also to blame for who she has become. 

When was the last time you took her out? One thing is to complain another thing is to demonstrate your care. 

Yes, she is fat, shapeless and a nag. These are physical changes. The person you married is buried somewhere behind all these changes. Deep inside her is that sweet looking lady you decided on out of all the women you dated!  

That woman hasn’t gone away but simply lost in the challenges you are both facing as a couple. Your wife needs something, a memory from the past to bring her back. 

What were the things she likes when you were still dating? That special gift, place she liked? When was the last time you took her out?

Just like you have observed about her, are you still the same person she married? Do you still have her time like you did back then? Has it occurred to you that some of these changes you observed in her maybe a reaction to your attitude towards her; a cry for your attention? 

Over time she may have tried to get your attention but didn’t and may have decided that the only way to is change dramatically from the look and attitude you knew to this stranger. If nothing else, at least you are beginning to notice her. 

Most times, couples take each other for granted; perhaps along the line you took her for granted.

Whatever it is, both of you must come out of your self-imposed worlds and think of the children. 

She has to stop hurting herself while you must make the effort to look beyond her present state of mind and appearance to what would become of you less than 10 years old children. 

What excuses are you both going to give the children? Whatever your disappointments are with her, please exercise the patience to make her see reasons with you. 

She may not be able to regain her pre-motherhood looks but with the right encouragement and devotion from you, she could regain the looks and disposition to make you proud.

By removing focus from her appearance to what precisely is her grouse and disappointment with the marriage, you set the pace for your reconciliation as a couple.

She must know you really care about her person and not just has looks.

Finally, always be focused on God in your marriage. 

It would help you not to take a decision you would end up regretting along the road.

Good luck.  

She’s too loose to be trusted

Dear Agatha, 

I admire how you solve peoples’ problems. I’m a 22-year-old boy in love with a 20-year-old girl.

It all started when she was in SS3. I sometimes assist her financially. She is always the one asking me to take her out and seems to know all the waiters in these places. She is forever telling me the various places these waiters have worked before their current employment.

I discover she is the outgoing type. There is one day I took her out, she complained of my going to the waiter many times that I am embarrassing the waiter.  

There is this night I saw her with about three boys in a dark place. One of them took her to one restaurant nearby.

I called her that night to ask her where she was. She told me she was with a friend. I dropped the call and deleted her number from my phone.  She called me two days later to know how I am doing. Do you think she is worth of my love? I love her so much.

Concerned Boyfriend.

Dear Confused Boyfriend, 

Relationship is about trust. The fact that you saw her talking with boys and ending up in a restaurant doesn’t mean she is involved with him. They could just be friends. Just as you have some girls as friends so also she will have some boys as friends.  When you called her, she didn’t lie about where she was. If she had something to hide, she could easily have told you she was at home or at another place. Whether you like the sound of it or not, the person she was with happens to be a friend and not an enemy. One doesn’t eat out with an enemy. So deleting her number from your phone on account of the description of the person she was with as a friend is uncalled for.

Obviously, both of you need a lot of growing up to do. No relationship survives on suspicions and unreasonable bursts of emotions. Even if you think the other person is more than a friend, good judgement demands you give her the benefit of doubt to properly explain herself before jumping to conclusions. Be careful you don’t allow your doubts to overshadow you. It highlights the presence of lack of confidence in your ability as a man to hold your own with a woman. 

When next this happens don’t react immediately call her afterwards for discussions. It is always best to dialogue in a relationship than to allow yourself fall into the trap of unsubstantiated allegations, which more often than not end something that has the prospect of positive growth. How did you feel when she called you afterwards to ask after your well being? 

Even, if there was a real issue with her conduct, deleting her number from your phone isn’t a panacea to it. At every point, always endeavour to embrace dialogue in your relationship. It is the only way to protect a relationship from unwarranted misunderstandings.

One thing you should not ignore is the fact that she is at the age in a woman’s life when men would never leave her alone. Whether you like it or not, the same qualities you find in her is what would also attract other men to her. You simply have to learn to trust her good judgement and moral values. 

On the issue of whether she loves you or not, you simply have to give both of you time to grow it. You both have to learn to be good and trusting friends first. Once you are able to overcome this hurdle, finding love would be very easy and achievable. But for now, don’t rush yourselves into something you both don’t have an idea of how it works to prevent crippling emotional aches capable of derailing your dreams.

For you to cope with her, you must first devote time as a friend to understand who she is and what makes her happy and what her dreams are for herself as well as both of you. It is only when you understand what each of you are made of that you can have a profitable relationship.

Good luck.