Fallacy Of Online Romance: Your Take?

Dear Agatha,

I just finished going through your web, www.auntieagatha.blogspot.com. It is really nice.

And it brought about this nagging question. Is it right for men to use the online option to search for a woman?

To be honest, I doubt the workability of such a relationship because ladies hardly take such open request from men serious. From my observations ladies hardly reply, though there are few exceptions.

My conclusions are that the average lady has too many men asking for her hand to be bothered about the mystery man on the lonely heart column or behind the cover of the internet. She lacks both time and patience to pay attention to online 'applications' for relationship from men she doesn't see.

Another thing I observed is that ladies' who summon the courage to write make unrealistic demands.

Even at that she ends up more confused by the responses she gets to her requests.

Added to this is the fact that when a person sees too much of something, there is the tendency to take such thing for granted. The thing is that ladies are used to requests from men to take men who come to the lonely-hearts columns serious.

What therefore in your view, are the factors that can explain this trend?

Ajibola.

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Dear Ajibola,

My views are simple. The man was created to be the hunter and woman the prey. Hunters go in search for their prey even in the most difficult and excruciating conditions. A desired prey can attract the attention of many hunters who want it for keeps. This is the same principle that works in a man and woman relationship.

It is the prerogative of the man to run after a woman, not the woman to run after the man, at least before marriage.

When a girl is in her prime, she is like a beautiful bouquet of exquisite flowers, attractive to all eyes that see her.

It is natural for such attention to get over the head of a woman and live her with little or not time to pay attention to men who for one reason or the other decide to use the lonely hearts columns to find a partner but it doesn’t make the process entirely unworkable.

There are women who still bother to read these columns or go to the Internet to find a partner. There are several women who have been hurt, are tired of the fakeness of the rush hour, too confused to know who to settle for or want something entirely different from others. These categories of women do crave the mystery and company of lonely heart columns as well as the Internet to source for their men.

For people who aren’t bothered about such thing as physical beauty, looking for partners who have that extra special feature which like gold takes plenty of patience and dedication to unravel, the lonely-hearts columns may provide them with all the alternatives and differences needed to be happy.

It must be emphasised here that lonely hearts are not meant for everybody; it is only for those who know its worth that appreciate its essence.

Contrary to expectation, they are not for those who are frustrated or unable to attract the right attention. It takes a woman who is definite about what she wants to give attention to the anonymity lonely-hearts columns or Internet dating offers.

On the issue of women not rushing massively to respond to requests from men, women by nature are conservative and cautious than men when it comes to signifying interest in a relationship. Women think out all their options properly before responding while men respond to women first before thinking. This account for the high mails women get and the low volume men also get.

Good luck.

Any Sense Giving Him Time To Send-off His Ex?

Dear Agatha,

I’m 25-year-old final year student. There is this guy I met last year, also a final year student. We started out as friends until we discovered early last month that our feelings for each other went deeper. When he told me about the change of his feelings for me, I also didn’t pretend about mine for him.

However, he pleaded with me to give him time to deal with the issue of his ex girlfriend who is back begging him to reconsider their relationship.

Agatha, as it is, she might have the upper hand over him because it appears he’s still very much in love with her. Unfortunately, I’m helplessly in love with this man. As it is now I’m at a difficult crossroad, not knowing if I should quietly quit the relationship or stay around him. I confess leaving him isn’t going to be easy for me at all.

Bukky.

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Dear Bukky,

It isn’t always easy to get out of an existing relationship especially where the other party is unwilling to let go. If you love this man and trust him, you must exercise the needed patience for him to properly clear up the debris from his previous relationship.

If you don’t give him the necessary time and support to properly disengage from this relationship, you may find yourself unable to move this relationship forward as time goes on. This would come primarily from that nagging thought inside of you that he might still hold a strong touch for his ex.

In addition, he has to convince himself too that he is not making any mistake leaving her for you by giving himself the opportunity of x-raying his options properly.

Being in love with you won’t stop him from still harbouring feelings for the other woman. And unless these two feelings are put side by side, it might be difficult for him to decide which of you is the most precious to him. Whatever he is feeling is natural just as his request for time is necessary.

Besides asking for time to end one relationship before beginning something new with you doesn’t automatically mean he is going back to the other girl or signal that he finds his relationship with her more rewarding than yours with him. If for nothing, this man need be praised him for being so honest with you. Some men won’t tell you a thing about their ex especially at this nascent stage; they would find such admission or request too dangerous to make for fear of losing the new girl.

By telling you he is soliciting your trust in him. It won’t be such a bad idea to tell him. You may not be comfortable but love and relationship building is all about sacrifices. Each day brings on with it a new challenge, a new dream, and a new reason to make it work. It also bring with it choices to be made.

Rather than concentrate all your worries on the possibility of the two of them coming back together, use this extra time of practice to really analyse your feelings for him. What do you like most about him in the one year he and you have been friends?

Sincerely, you started from the most important point, friendship. It is the cement that binds two people together. Friendship makes it possible for two people in a relationship to discuss honestly, objectively and constructively. You can only suspect him of insincerity if your friendship was flawed, devoid of the chance of peeping into your characters and identifying your strong points.

As your friend, by now you should be able to tell without hesitation when he is on a mischief mission or a good-intentioned one.

I know love, most times, makes nonsense of our good intentions or beliefs, but discussing your fears with him as well as your decision to quit for the other girl would help you know where you stand as well as his plans concerning your declaration of love.

Don’t make the mistake of ending it without involving him because that would hurt you both immensely. Having told you of his intentions, he demands loyalty and support from you. If you run away before he is ready, you would leave him with no choice but to take his chances with this other woman. You would force him to think you are not serious and unworthy of the risk of investing his life and love on.

You may think he is enjoying all these but if you look deeper you would find a man who is scared because whatever decision he takes now would have an impression on his life. He is almost approaching the final lap of his bachelorhood. The woman he decides on is most likely to be the one he would end up marrying. So, this time, what he is asking is more than the issue of his former ex, rather it more about his future. He has to consider which of you would best suit his dreams in life, the one with the most measure of understanding, care, respect and belief in his person.

He is retreating to make a major decision so if you want to be part of this life, you must not be in a haste to vacate it for another woman or fear of not being woman enough for him. Let him be the one to tell you he has made his decision. It is best you hear it from him than to hurry out of it only to find out that you have made a very big mistake.

For now, pray that God shows you the way to go because unless God gives His support to this desire of yours, it may not work.

Good luck.