Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Memory of my ex sends guys off…

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 25 years of age. I had my first relationship when I was in higher institution. We dated for five years and he wanted us to marry but I couldn’t because I am the first child of the family and wanted to make my family comfortable before marrying. So he married someone else. It’s been three years now and I can’t forget him, neither can I find someone I truly have feelings for or someone that I wholly have the confidence in and belongs to me like this guy.

Now the issue is that I’m scared and worried about my future, because every guy I met, I find myself comparing him with my ex. Besides, I have never really bothered to commit myself to any relationship like I did with him. This attitude of mine has made it impossible for any of the relationships I have had after him last. I am so worried if I will ever be able to find the right man or get married for that matter. 

Early this year, I met this guy: we liked each other, but he was in a relationship and I was in one also. I did not give him much thought because he is short. But we remained friends over time and he would tell me how he is having fundamental issues with his girlfriend after he has gone for the introduction. 

But he never really mentioned the issue that was giving them problems even when I made attempts to find out. On one occasion he invited me to his house, conscious that he has a spot for me, on getting there, I claimed I was two months pregnant for my ex boyfriend. I pretended to cry bitterly about how the pregnancy has affected my family and I. Thinking, this will dissuade him from wanting to have a carnal knowledge of me but I was wrong. He kept on pressurising me and cajoling me until he had his way. I left his house that day very bitter with myself, and regretting my actions of visiting him. It’s been a month now since after the incident, and he has not called me. 

Now, I don’t know what to do, because despite this show of utter wickedness I still think about him. And what even worries me more is why I find it difficult to let go of that which I have lost. Please advise me on what to do.

Worried Lady.



Dear Worried Lady, 

There is no point crying over spilt milk. In your interest, you just must let go the consequences of the choice you made long ago. Count your losses and move on with your life.

Dwelling over the many ‘what could have been’ will never allow you to see anything good in another man. Accept your decision as the act of God. If God had wanted both of you to end up together as an item, both of you would have found away out of the situation then. That you placed your family before him didn’t think him important enough to make the sacrifice for shows that you were not destined to be. More so, you were the one who decided against the relationship, not him. If he mattered to you so much then, you would never have allowed your five years together go down memory lane.

To help yourself get over him, take a little time to revisit your reasons back then. Something other than the reason you gave made you give him up. If you can admit the reason to yourself, that thing you have been afraid of putting a name to, you will find the peace to move on. Don’t allow the guilt of regrets of what could have been between the two of you stop you from moving on with your on life. Regret allowed to stay in the system can be cancerous. Its combination of pains and guilt can stop one from venturing forward again.

Learn to accept that irrespective of what was between the two of you, there is not the chance of both of you having a common future. He has long married and is happy with the choice God led him into making.

On your part, you just have to let go of that feeling of guilt you carry of hurting this man you shared so much with. Without you deleting it from your system, regrets will make it impossible for you to see anything good in another man, appreciate the man for his unique qualities as well as find a relationship more useful than a thing of physical expression. 

Furthermore, you must have a dream of what you want from life. Your inability to define this in the first place, made you give up your dream for your family. If you had any plans for yourself, knew what you wanted from life, had a clear idea of the value of your relationship, you would have known that being married to the right man would be an enhancement for your family values rather than a distraction. 

It is the same reason you slept with this man. Deep down you knew this man would compromise you, yet you went into his house and allowed him to have his way with you. He isn’t wicked rather you are the one that is weak. Men will continue to take advantage especially when they perceive a weakness in you. You simply have to pull yourself together and focus on the kind of future you want. It is only then you would be able to see clearly the kind of man that would give you the kind of support you need to be happy.

To help get over this go to God in prayers. He only can heal you and point you at the direction you should go. 

Good luck. 

She won’t marry me unless I relocate from China to U.S

Dear Agatha 

I am a regular reader of your column and can say that I have learnt a lot from the advice you give to people. 

I really need your help on how to move on with my new lover. Last year, I wrote to you informing you of the problem I was having with my ex-fiancée, who dumped me after I did so much for her. 

You told me to move on with my life. When I told my brother based in United States about my decision as well as my resolve not to marry anyone from Nigeria. He therefore introduced me to the daughter of one of his family friends based in the United Kingdom.

That was a year ago. We have been communicating in the last one-year. When we started, she expressed her reservations over long distant relationship but I assured her it would work; that what was most important is our focus and love for each other. We have been chatting on the internet and phone and I have not wasted time in telling her what I want from her; to be the mother of my children, because I am not getting any younger. I am 32 year of age while she is 24.

Along the line, she stopped calling me the way she used to. I also decided not call her as often as I was. I felt she didn’t really love me the way I love her. About four or five months ago, her father died. She again resumed calling frequently. We subsequently agreed to meet in Nigeria for the burial, but I couldn’t make it because I was really busy here. When she returned from the burial, she told me many guys indicated interest in marrying her. She told me none of them appealed to her. To cut the long story short, I asked her to give me a date when my people would begin the formal thing. She told me anytime we were ready, but said we should begin to live together. 

I told her it wasn’t expedient for me since I was trying to grow my business in China but promised that I would come over the United States for three months to stay with her. This is also to enable me set up a business there. She was in complete agreement with me over this. 

We agreed to commence marriage rites this month. When I called her to discuss something with her, she was sounding strange, not like the woman I know. When I asked what the problem was, she brought up again the issue of long distant relationship. Knowing that we had already addressed this issue, I was turned off and told her that we have to talk it over again but this time not through the phone. That it would be better we discuss it when we see. 

Since I sensed something more to it, I asked why she was bringing up the issue we had already discussed and resolved. She said her friends are warning her against it. For two days now we haven’t spoken too well. 

Agatha, do you think she has changed her mind about marrying me? Please tell me how to make her understand that it is not easy to just change my base like that. I really love her very much. If I fail to marry her, it will be hard for me to love again. I really love and want her.

Worried Lover.


Dear Worried Lover, 

Life is a journey of mystery and absolute submission to the Will of the Almighty. There is nothing you can do on your own if God isn’t in it. To do that would be to fail.

As it is, there is the need first for you to go God and pray before going ahead with this marriage. You have to do everything within you to reconcile with your creator and the Rector and establisher of this institution you are going into. 

From the attitude of this lady, there are a lot of outstanding issues both of you have to get right if you in particular is to derive happiness from this arrangement. It is obvious she is not convinced about her feelings for you. Without this personal conviction on her part that on this marriage, she will never be able to give you what you deserve as her husband. 

Love isn’t something you force; it is something that must develop naturally to make it durable and everlasting. It is also something the two people must really agree on to ward off third party intervention. 

It isn’t also something you go into with an abstract. As it stands now both of you only exist on each other’s imagination. Beyond what you both discuss on the phone, she is complete stranger to you just as you to her. You both would be marrying imaginations of each other because you haven’t really had time to meet and discuss as two persons who want to spend the rest of their lives together.

For instance, what do you know about her as a person? Can you tell her behaviour from the crowd, her reactions or temperament when certain situations occur? What if you marry her and discover she isn’t your kind of woman in the first place? Sincerely, agreeing to marry when your relationship has only existed on the Internet and phone isn’t ideal. You are both jumping the gun. Marriage is more serious than you in particular are taking it to be. There is no way you marry a woman without a slight knowledge of the kind of woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with. 

This may actually be her concern. Having reflected deeply, she may have come to the realisation that she would be taking an undue risk with her future to agree to a marriage to a complete stranger. Whether you like it or not, you are both strangers to each other. That you communicate everyday on the phone doesn’t make both of you less of strangers. She is more introspective because as a woman, once the mistake is made, the journey of rediscovery is often more tedious than for a man. 

Like you said, both of you must come together not to plan a wedding but to iron out the huge areas of differences as well as confusions about the character of your persons. 

For instance, you both have to leave your impression of each other and move into reality mode. No matter how civilised the world becomes, there are still basic things a man need in his woman and home. These are things you cannot tell if she has through your telephone conversation. On the outside, she may be an ideal wife material to people who recommended her to you but you may discover she isn’t really your kind of woman at the end of the day.

She may, on seeing you in person, become irritated by your appearance. These are issues you both have to get cleared before you can move on or think of making your relationship permanent. 

When you meet her, first of all discuss your relationship and plans with all the honesty it deserves. Remember, this is your future that is on the line. Marriage is not how long but how well. Be grateful that you are experiencing these minor hiccups now and not after marriage. It is always better to manage issues before a marriage becomes official than to when the lines have been signed. Such post marital failures become so profound and incapacitating to the individuals involved. 

Truthfully, this is not the time for you to get angry or question her love for you. She may actually be in love with you but is afraid of the risk of planning a marriage with someone she hardly knows. 

For this reason both of you may have to delay whatever you plan for this Christmas. Instead use this period to get to know yourselves. Get to discover the persons behind the telephone conversations as well behind the masks you both project to the world. 

This is your marriage, not your brother’s or her family’s. If both of you are unable to grow the marriage eventually the failure would be yours. Don’t allow the disappointment of your former relationship make you become desperate at all. 

By allowing the will of God prevail, you give yourself rest of mind and freedom from future regrets. 

Good luck. 

How do I know good girl for marriage?

Dear Agatha, 

It’s always great reading the advice you give to people, and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue eating me up.
 I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in his life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem. 

I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused whether to marrying a graduate like me, or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply. 

Confused Guy.


Dear Confused Guy,

There is nothing much in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not.

Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side, a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lacked the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover who you are, get into pranks like all children do, the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing.

To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know who you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want, only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship. To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality. 

In this package is contained temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first. 

Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood. 

A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are.  Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy. 

Good luck. 

She accuses me of sexually molesting our six-month-old daughter

Dear Agatha,

I met a lady who supposedly was from a Christian home. Her parents are both pastors in the Redeemed Christian Church of God. I met her through a friend in September 2003 and I travelled down to see her for the first time in December of that same year. 

Prior to our meeting, I requested my friend to take her to see my pastor and his wife who immediately had reservation about her. 

My pastor’s wife said she looked desperate, very manipulative and that she is not a wife material. 

She says she never ceases to have this feeling of impending danger anytime she thinks about her. 

The husband said it is not the will of God because it is not possible to marry someone you met over the Internet.

He also said the pastor of the church she attends, in a previous meeting, demonstrated an ungodly character. Even the friend who introduced us later said the girl is not the right choice and started listing some flaws he noticed in her. 

Hearing this, I sent an e-mail to her telling her all I have heard and decided to end the relationship. She replied that she is from a good home; that her parents are both pastors. 

She wondered why I would base my decision on one side of the story. I showed an elderly female friend of mine her mail; this friend said she was genuine. 

Thereafter, I went to pray about it because I was really confused, the response I got from the Lord is, “this lady has tremendous capacity to go all the way” but in retrospect, I did not discern correctly because the Lord looks at us not from where we are now, but at our potentials. 

Despite several warnings from my friend and pastors, I went ahead and reconciled with her. She later told me the reason my friend didn’t like her anymore was because she refused him kissing her. 

As we progressed in the relationship she started asking for money from me. When I met her she was jobless, so I started sending her money ($100) every month via Western Union Money Transfer. In August 2004, she got a job with a soft drink manufacturing company. 

Despite that, she told me to buy her a car.

I took a student loan of $1600 and send it to her to buy a car.  Every year, from 2003 to 2007, I travelled to see her in Nigeria. In 2004 we did the introduction. 

Something significant happened but I ignored the warning sign. My mother gave me $400 to give to her parents and when she learnt about the money, she wanted the money to herself.  

She reported me to her parents that I didn’t want to release the money. However, when they heard my side of the story, her father beat her blue/black.  At that point, I wanted to call off the introduction but the family begged me and I thought she would change or I would be able to change her. She was 28 years old when I met her. 

We did the court wedding in 2005. Being an American citizen, she was able to file for her to join me in America, March 2007. When she joined me in the United States, I went through hell with her, all the warning character flaws; she acted everything out to the maximum. She called the cops on me three times and lied that I beat her that I wanted to kill her. 

Before I left for the U.S., she was pregnant but called me to say her father advised against her getting pregnant since we hadn’t done the engagement according to the customs of the Yoruba. 

The evacuation wasn’t done properly hence we had to see a specialist when she came over to the U.S.

 She was able to eventually conceive and gave birth to a baby girl in April 2008.

We had several problems, the parents were constantly interfering, and she started to keep male friends in Nigeria. In July 2009, she begged me to allow her mother take my daughter to Nigeria for six months so she could save money to buy a car. I reluctantly agreed, only for her to accuse me of sexually molesting my own daughter at six months of age. 

I reported everything happening in my marriage to the pastor of the Redeemed Christian Church of God we were attending; he tried his best but the problems persisted in the marriage. The parents came forward to say the reason we were having problem is because we did not have “a Church wedding.” 

Due to the problems we were having, sex was completely dead between us. Along the line, I started masturbation and pornography to find ease. In November 2009, she went home to connect and did introduction with her former college sweetheart who she once dated in her 200-level at University of Lagos. 

They had sex before she came to the U.S. God actually showed me one morning while I was praying. In April 2010, she filed for divorce and it became official in August 2010. She and this man are now married.

Confused Man.


Dear Confused Man, 

That a man or woman is a pastor or related to one is not enough reason to marry that person. 

Unless God says the person is right, such assumption often than not leads to problems later in a union. No matter how much we try, our inner being still has the power to make us do things our way rather than the way God tells us to do it. 

Many a time, we quote only the sections of the Bible that pays us at that time, ignoring what God is saying about a particular situation or what another passage in the Bible is saying about that same situation.

Well, since she is remarried, there is nothing you can do about it but to move on with your life. Life is like a trading house; you gain here and lose there. 

This marriage was not meant to be from day one but you went into it because you wanted her at all cost in your life. Had you tarried for the voice and desires of God for you, all these would have been avoided. But God knows everything and deliberately allows us go through some difficult and unpleasant situations to learn deeper than others about the complexities of life. 

One major lesson here is not what a person appears to be or his or her family is but who the person really is. You based your acceptance of her on the fact her parents are both pastors. 

Also, you did not bother to ask God properly. Had you gone to him for a confirmation, He would have properly explained to you what He meant by what you thought you heard. 

At any rate, the mistake has been made; the thing is for you not to fall into another mistake. For now, the most important person you have to consider is your daughter. Ensure you are always in touch with the child; if need be, let your parents also get interested in the upkeep of the child. It is the only way you can water-down whatever negative stories your wife and in-laws may tell about you to your child. She is the gain from that relationship so don’t allow her grow without your presence or input. Since the mother is re-married, you could offer to take the child off them. Your mother can always help with the child until she is old enough to go over to the United States.

Another thing is for you to develop a very personal relationship with God. By not allowing whatever happened between the two of you get in the way of your relationship with God and another woman, you end up victorious at the end of the day. Before going into anything new, ask God to help you find your own weak areas. There is no way she alone would destroyed the union without some help from you. Be truthful and accept your own mistakes. 

The essence of this is to avoid making in them in your next relationship. The beauty of life is in our ability to accept our faults and make the vow to change for the better. 

You may not have gained much from this marriage by way of marital bliss but when it comes to the required experience to live with another woman, you have gained in terms of managing a woman’s temperament and all the other emotions that come to play when two people live together.

Perhaps the greatest lesson for you is the necessity of creating time to know who your partner is before taking the final step of matrimony. 

You knew next to nothing about this lady; as a matter of fact, you acted like one desperate to marry at all cost. 

Next time, devote time to knowing who your partner is as well as having your plans on what kind of marriage you want. 

This one failed because you did not prepare for it; did not bother to map out a plan for your marriage at all. This is the reason you picked just any woman to share your life. 

Had you a plan, you would have known from day one if both of you could live together forever. 

First, get over your disappointment, plan your life before looking for a woman who would help you realise your dream in life. This way, you would be able to recognise in any woman the qualities you have in mind in a woman after your heart.

Above all, learn to trust God implicitly.

Good luck.

That another girl is carrying his baby nags me…

Dear Agatha,

I am 22 years of age and mother of one. I have dated the father of my son for seven years now. Another lady also has a child for him. My son is the older child. The fact that he got another lady pregnant while I was nursing his child killed any emotional feelings I had for him. 

But I don’t know how to end the relationship, tell him how I now feel about him. To be candid, this experience has put me off men generally. Unfortunately, his family members love me so much, one of the reasons I feel so helpless in ending the relationship since I don’t want to hurt them. Please help me. 

Confused Lady.



Dear Confused Lady,

Don’t make the mistake of conducting your relationship on sentiments. To continue in a relationship where you are no longer happy, don’t have feelings for your partner is to cause yourself future pains, serious ones that might misunderstanding between you and his people who out of loyalty to their son may queue behind him. 

No matter how nice his people are, he is the person you are going to live with and once you have lost feelings and respect for him, it would be difficult for you to relate with him as your man. Considering the hurt and disappointment you nurse deep inside of you against him, the pains of his betrayal of you, the constant reminder of that betrayal in the person of the child, you may not be able to withstand his presence for a long time. For you to go on as before you have to release yourself from this through forgiveness. Until you are able to move beyond this point, tell him what you think of his betrayal and your attendant decision to go, at least for now.

At any rate, since you both have a child between you, you would still have the opportunity to interact with those family members who like you, as your child would always be a link between you and them. 

By refusing to tell him, you are only postponing doom’s day, not just for him but also for yourself in particular. As it stands you cannot move forwards as long as you haven’t severed emotional ties with him. 

Besides, you must also be careful you don’t allow the situation between you two deteriorate before taking the steps you want to take. This is important because of the child between the two of you.

The best way to tell him is to say the truth. Let him know how much his act of betrayal has affected you and how you may, at least for now, not want to continue with the relationship. 

This way, he knows where he stands as well as what to do to either win back your trust or allow you go for good.

But it is also important you think beyond what is happening now between the two of you. Granted he has stabbed you in a way you think is unpardonable, what circumstances led to this other woman in his life? What arrangements do both of you have? Was your baby planned or did it happen because you wanted to use it to trap him into marrying you? 

Who is the other woman? Has she always been around or is she new? How did her baby too happen and what were the reactions of your man and his family? Has he always been a Casanova? 

This relationship started when you were 15 years of age. At that age you really didn’t have the right understanding of what you were going into? Probably didn’t plan for it to be everlasting. In all these years, how much improvement and upgrading have you two being able to introduce into the relationship? Being young and inexperienced, you may not know what is expected of you hence may have done certain things to make him seek solace elsewhere. Though not an excuse but men are fluid and at the age he is probably given to your state age, may want to exercise the freedom of being young and available to women. Impregnating another woman could be a mistake of one moment of weakness on his part. Think ahead, would it matter so much to you later in future as it does now what he has done? What if you leave him and the next man you are going to marry does the same thing to you would you also walk out of that relationship?

Don’t forget that you are no longer a teenager. You are now a young woman whose needs, desires and dreams are more profound and near reality than the imaginary ones of a pubescent. For this reason, sit down and look at your own faults too. Like I have always said, just like it takes two to tangle, it takes two also to destroy. Granted one of the parties may have the larger fault, it’s a fact that without the slight assistance of the other, complete breakdown of confidence in a relationship cannot occur.

Your current anger may also be as a result of your early entry into motherhood. At 22, many of your peers are still single and enjoying the early stages of their youths not making babies and caring for one. The fact that you are burdened with caring for a baby while he is free to play in the field could be a hidden reason for your anger. If this is the case, you simply have to learn to live with the situation because you cannot change what has happened. Another man you go out with is culpable of making the same assumptions in the process of the two of you dating. 

Be sure your anger isn’t misdirected. Be practical in your decisions and reasons for making them. There is no relationship without challenges, sacrifices as well as painful choices. These are things we must all experience to get to the destination of our happiness in every relationship. We must learn to lose gracefully to gain joyfully.

Do an overview, it might help in some ways to change the way you feel about him and could make you to actually have a re-think of the action you are about to take. 

A lot of things we considered an issue turn out to be one of those things as we age. To avoid regrets down the road of life, take time out of it all to think; go away from him and everything familiar for a little while. This will help give you clearer picture into the choice you are about to make as well as how much you would miss not having him around you.

Since there is a baby involved, be sure you won’t be tempted in later years to go into his arms because that would be very dangerous for your peace of mind as well as any attempt to continue with your life. Ensure your feeling for him is completely dead if you decide to leave him.

Please pray about it and allow the will of God prevail.

Good luck. 

 

 

Should I forgive him after a forced abortion?

Dear Agatha, 

There is this guy I love very much. Initially we were like siblings but one thing led to another and we became involved. Along the way, I got pregnant for him. When I informed him about my state, he said I should leave the pregnancy. I agreed. 

However, when I told him I would need money to commence antenatal, he told me he doesn’t have. Worried about the kind of life the baby and I would have, I again suggested we terminate the pregnancy but he again refused. 

Since I kept insisting we terminate it, he asked me to look for a place to do it. But he called the following day to say he has found where I can terminate the pregnancy, gave me N5,000 as well as the address of the place. When I got there, the man I met insisted on collecting N10,000. When I called him to inform him of the exact amount involved, he told me he didn’t have that kind of money. For a while after that call, he didn’t bother to call me until recently when he began calling me again asking for forgiveness. I really don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Stella.


Dear Stella,

You didn’t say if you have had the abortion or still pregnant. Whatever the case may be, you have learnt a vital lesson here, that of protecting yourself from premature sex. 

Had you taken precautions against unplanned pregnancy, you won’t be in this emotional quandary.

If you haven’t done the abortion, please don’t. It might appear to be the easy way out of the shame of pregnancy outside wedlock, but more often than not, it leaves terrible consequences for the woman whose reproductive lifespan may have been aborted with the unborn child. Only extremely lucky women go through abortions and come out with little or no tell tale sign. Every abortion a woman does reduces the lifespan of her womb more than that of childbirth.

A lot of women have had their wombs over scraped by inexperienced gynecologists or outright quacks. Because a desperate woman doesn’t have the time to investigate who is real or not has the experience or comes with little experience, she unwittingly puts her life on the line for nothing.

It is not about the money he is demanding to evacuate your unborn baby, but that of your safety and reproductive health. When he insisted you keep it, you should have pushed it. Yes, he told you he has no money for antenatal, but that wasn’t enough reason you insisted on terminating it. 

Insisting on terminating it could have sent the wrong kind of signal to him, that you don’t care about it as well as the fact that you don’t want to have his baby, a fear you confirmed by taking the N5,000 he gave you to the abortionist. 

If you really weren’t serious about terminating the baby, you should have used that money to go to the hospital to register for your antenatal. Government hospitals won’t require as much money to get you registered. If you were both married, would you have insisted on terminating this pregnancy on account of his inability to give you money to pay for antenatal?

In a way, you contributed to the way he behaved. Insisting you wanted the baby aborted definitely touched something deep inside him, unwittingly, you reminded him of his shortcomings as a man; pointed him to his inadequacies as an expectant father as well as his incompetence to manage the woman in his life.

Though wrong to have abandoned you at the point you clearly needed him the most, your insistence pushed him into it. After all, when you first informed him, he didn’t deny you, didn’t ask you to abort it but told you to keep it. You were the one insisting on removing the baby from the beginning, not him. 

If he left you, it couldn’t have been from lack of love for you but out of frustration. That he has come back to beg shows a man who has been through a lot of inner emotional struggle to do what is right, who won the battle of doing the right thing over his male pride. 

Look deep in your heart, what do you feel for him? In his shoes, what would you have done, especially as you kept insisting on terminating the baby? He left you probably because he didn’t want to be around to see his efforts as a man wasted on the abortion table.

Relationship is not only about the good times, it is more of our ability to turn the very bad times to our favour. We all make mistakes, these are things that actually give form to our relationships. If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, take him back. I am sure this episode has done something for both of you, given both of your new perspective into your relationship as well, as clarify grey areas you have about your feelings for each other.

Allow God to take the credit for whatever happened by listening through prayers to what He is saying to you over this matter.

Good luck.

She lost her virginity in dubious way

Dear Agatha,

You are a rare gift to us. Keep the flag flying high! 

Kindly help me find solution to this problem I find myself in. I have been with a girl for the past three years and we planned walking down the aisle soon. I’m a 31-year-old hard working guy while she is 26.

I met her in her natural state and we agreed that she would remain that way until we get married. Three weeks ago, I got a rude shock. I travelled on a business trip. I came back to find out that while I was away she was seeing one of her former boyfriends whom she claimed forced himself on her and got her opened. 

I feel betrayed by this because I have not cheated on her since I met her and have been looking forward to our wedding night. Though I love her but I can’t stand this betrayal. It’s very traumatic. Though I still have feelings for her, but I think she cannot be trusted. Do I keep on searching or take her back? I’m really depressed. Please your advice. 

Betrayed Man.


Dear Betrayed Man, 

Sincerely, this is a decision you just have to make for yourself. It is something very personal; that will affect in its entirety how you relate to her now as well as in future. Once you are not in harmony with the decision you eventually take on this matter, you will never be able to fully enjoy marriage to her. Therefore it’s important the final decision comes from you. This is because trust is on mortgage here; there are several questions you need clear answers to. Furthermore you need the emotional stability to deal with questions that will continue to agitate your mind for a long time to come. 

Without you having the conviction that you have done the right thing, the shadows of her betrayal will continue to hunt you for life.

However, it is important at this point for you to take stock of your three years together. Has she ever been unfaithful to you? Given you any reason to suspect that she has been lying about her claims to be a virgin? What brought about this other man again into her life to the extent of him forcing himself on her? 

The last question in particular would be one you would in later years keep asking yourself? Why did she put herself in a position to be compromised? Whatever her explanations are, you need to ask yourself this vital question: do you believe the story she told you? What could have happened between when you went on a business trip, and your return to make her go the whole length with this man?

Frankly, this is not the time to play the hero; pretend that you are not hurting or disappointed with the whole development. I am sure your mind is still asking what could have happened to make her do this to you.

More than that, this is the time for you to dissect your relationship if you both hope to have a future together. The first question you should answer is, whose relationship is this, yours, hers or both of you? Chances are that you are the one who have been dragging the relationship all along, the one who wants it more than she does. If this is the case, it might be in your both interest if you allow her go; at least give her time to make up her mind about you and the relationship.

The fact that she has been with you for three years may not be sufficient reasons for her to want to spend the rest of her life with you. The speed at which, she and the other guy got together may be an indication of how she actually feels about you. Ask her at this point what she really feels about you and the thought of spending the rest of her life with you. Listen more to what she is not saying because those things she is refusing to say are where the real answers are.

If she is the one questing for the relationship, then what happened is inexplicable, something she would forever regret in life if you eventually leave her on account of what happened between this other guy and her. There are certain things that happen in life which are beyond human comprehension; if she is really sorry and you know deep down in your heart that her remorse is real, you may on account of the years you have been together as well as your knowledge of her forgive her. But let her know from this stage that it would take a long time for you to build up the confidence you once had in her. 

If both of you have gotten to that point of sitting down and discussing what would work at this point and what you in particular would find difficult to give, a lot of the confusion and hurt you currently feel will lessen and you would be able to take a firm stance on this matter.

In all these, pause to think of all the tomorrows when the hurt you currently feel would have disappeared and all you would be left with is regrets at not being patient enough to think deeply. To this end, evaluate her worth in your life beyond the issue of her virginity? Was it the only reason you wanted her in your life? The only reason you fell in love with her? Would you in the first place have gone out with her if she weren’t a virgin?

These are the second set of questions you should ask yourself as you consider what your next steps would be. They are very vital in your final decision because if the reason you have always wanted her a wife is the fact of her virginity, then you really didn’t have a relationship in the first place. Your relationship was based on illusion, a mirage that would have vanished sooner or later. Now that she is no longer a virgin, is she different from the woman she once was?

No doubt you are hurting emotionally over this act of betrayal, but what assurances that the next woman would be better? That you would find the right kind of happiness you have found with this woman? How are you sure she would not betray you too?

There are many issues that add up in a marriage and for a man willing to make the best of the choice he has made, must be ready to overlook certain things for the sake of happiness. There is the important issue of how much you both understand each other, her temperament, attitude and level of respect. What about the blend of each other’s dreams as well as power of interpretation involved in getting the other started? For both of you to have stayed together for three years without making love, the cord of your friendship must be very strong, look at all these before you make the final decision.

At this juncture, please it is essential you go to God in prayers because you are in a very delicate period in your life. If you apply might on this fly that perched on the very delicate part of your anatomy you risk more injury to your person. By asking God for divine wisdom, you will be able to take a decision you will forever be happy with.

Good luck.

Must man sample many girls before marriage?

Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate your Biblically imbued marital advice to people.   I am a 23-year-old graduate of accountancy. During my school days I never dated any lady; to be candid I tried as much as possible to avoid women and always prayed to God to see me through. My friends called me names, some said am frigid just because I refused to go out with any girl.

During my graduation, some ladies pursued me wanting to embrace me but I ran as far as my leg could. My friends said that my lifestyle is old fashioned. I believe that when the time for marriage comes, God will give me a wife endowed with all the qualities I desire in a woman. My friends said one needed to practise to be perfect. They called me all sorts of names. Even the ladies are mocking me because of my attitude towards them and I am fast bowing to peers’ pressure. My question is do I really need to date as many ladies as possible before marriage? The truth is that I try as much as possible to avoid women because I am extremely emotional and I believe that when the time for marriage comes, God will bless me with my dream wife. But my friends told me I am utopian. Please I need your advice.                 

Chuks.


Dear Chuks, 

No you are not idealistic; the truth is that because some people have gotten used to doing things in a particular way, they have come to think it is the norm. 

Don’t allow anybody pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do or which your conscience cannot condone. Date only when you are ready to and not because your friends have drawn up a timetable for yourself. What is important at the end of the day is the seriousness and determination you bring into the relationship you eventually want to go into. 

Use this time to plan for your future, dream of what kind of life you want for yourself and family when the time comes.

This plan of action would enable you visualise the kind of woman that would help you nurture your dream into maturity. This is the greatest legacy you can give yourself; ensure that when you are ready, you have a clear idea of what kind of woman you need in life. A lot of times, people jump into relationships without having plans at all for the relationship. This is why a lot of them run into troubled waters and unable to recover from the disappointments of their misadventure. 

If you ask a lot of these friends who have had series of girls in their lives what plans they have beyond the immediate need of satisfying their emotional needs, they would tell you none.

 Relationship is more important than a lot of us think. It is more than a boy meets a girl thing; it is even more important than education in the sense that it is something inevitable unless of course sworn to celibacy.

What you are doing is preparing for it; taking your time to ensure you don’t make the costly mistakes some of your friends had made or are making. 

By waiting, you are learning the importance of self-control, entrenching the principle of faithfulness in a relationship even before you commence any with a woman. The values you have been able to embed now are the ones that will stay with you and help you in more ways than you know to build your home. 

Relationship works on what we have inside and not what we have on the outside. Learn to be introspective at all times; it is the only way to show your friends that your waiting isn’t in vain. Look out for a woman who is beautiful on the inside, one who has the capacity and ability to interpret and carry your dreams to reality. Because you have waited for this long, it won’t be difficult for you to have the necessary patience to grow and consolidate your relationship before introducing sex which for most part of the time, blind couple to the defect in the union until it is too late. 

One of the clear disadvantages of multiple relationships is the confusion it engenders in the minds of those who engage in it. So often, perplexity of the right choice among the many women a particular man one has dated has led to the future problem of wrong choice and incompatible partner. 

Once you and the woman you end up marrying are able to establish friendship, are truthful to each other and are respectful of the other person’s position as well as give it all to God when issues arise in your relationship, you will have a very happy union. 

Above all, learn to play your game according to your own rules and not ones given you by anybody. There is nothing old fashioned about your decision rather you are applying age long wisdom in a world governed by fast solutions which in majority of cases leave wreckages in their trail.

Good luck.