Beyond Being A Lesbian, She’s A Serial Liar

Dear Agatha,

Please I will like you to help me out of this problem before I make a silly mistake. I am 22 years of age dating a girl of 21. We have been together since 2005 and very close that people in our area naturally assume we would never break-up. But something major happened in 2007 when I found out she was into lesbianism. She didn’t tell me but found out from one of my friends who actually told my brother about it.

When I confronted her with the information, she denied claiming it was a poly by some jealous people to break us up, but later admitted that she practised it when she was in the College. 

She confessed she was forced into the act by one lady, who claimed she had admired her for long, while she was asleep in the hostel. According to her, it was the first and last time she did it with a female. Because I love her so much, I believed her especially as I didn’t want to lose her to a girl.  When we first met, she told me that she was a virgin. Though I didn’t believe, but accepted her story to be true out of the love. However, in January this year, our feelings got in the way and one thing led to the other. Just before I entered into her, she stopped me to confess that she wasn’t a virgin that, a boy who supplied her mother soft drinks, deflowered her.  Again I forgave her, besides it was the first time we were making love.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do about this girl because I found out that she is always lying. Again, I want to know if dating a lesbian would not affect my chances of a making a success of my career.  Please, I would appreciate your frank response to my mail.

Henry.

Dear Henry, 

If she has this constant compulsion to tell lie, there may be the need for you to sit her down to question her on her past and also find out why she finds it easier to tell lie than the truth. 

To help her find lasting solution to this problem, you must arm yourself with information about her past. A trip into her early years will give you deep insights into her person. To this end, encourage her to talk generally about her childhood years, her relationship with her parents, especially her mother, the sort of person she is, was she a tyrant or too strict that her children found it easier to lie to her to escape her wrath and punishment? If she became a liar as a result of her mother’s strictness, she needs your help to bury her past fears of the attendant repercussion of telling the truth. 

She needs to understand that lie can only provide temporary relief, but never the respect and peace that comes from telling the truth. Through encouragement and show of love, let her see that life comes with learning to take responsibilities for one’s action and that the only way this can be possible is for her to always tell the truth. Letting her know that finding out that she has told you so many lies was enough reason for you to end the relationship, but haven’t done that because of the love you feel for her. She has to know that truth will always prevail and that when it does, it has a way of making the liar appear irresponsible and unworthy of the trust of others. 

By the time she realises you have the choice to end the relationship based on your discovery of her person to be a habitual liar, it might help her to appreciate the essence of telling the truth. And you must make it clear that she has to earn your trust from this point, because all the lies she has told in the past are making you wary of investing too much of yourself in her to prevent you from getting badly hurt later when more facts begin to emerge about other things you think you know about her.  But if she gets her kick from telling lies, it might be more difficult to get her to change because to her it has become like opium. Like in every case of addiction, the determination has to come first from her before you can do anything. Again it boils down to how much she wants you and this relationship. If she wants you sufficiently, making the sacrifice to become straight by telling the truth always would not be too difficult for her. 

Therefore asking her to tell you the whole truth about her past life is a way of helping her focus on those things now very important to her. She must come to the realisation that being in a relationship means more than lovemaking or craving for the presence of that person. It is a total package that comprises of honesty, truth, loyalty, sacrifices, support, respect, responsibility, tolerance, understanding, care, patience as well as selflessness. 

Make it clear to her during your talk with her that it doesn’t matter to you any more if she lied about everything in her past, but what matters is how much trust she has in you by telling the truth about herself from this point. That, her contribution to the progress of this relationship is helping you stay focused by confiding in you about her person and past life. 

By being obvious that a lot would depend on her capacity for the truth, would help both of you determine how much of a relationship you both have in the first place. Without a concerted effort on her part to trust you with her past life, this relationship may not be worth it at the end of the day, because it would get to a point you will get tired of all the lies as well as wonder if she is even telling you the truth about her feelings for you. To prevent putting yourself in this situation, you must face the challenge of helping her beat the habit.

Sincerely, I don’t want to discuss all the spiritual drawbacks that come from it.

But if your love for her is strong enough, getting her to thrash the habit completely is your best option. This is because there is no way you can hope to have a sexually fulfilling relationship if she is engaged in lesbianism. There will always be other women in her life, ones that will eventually push you out of her life.

The issue here isn’t how much you love her, but how you plan to cope with the knowledge of other women having a share in your woman’s life. This is one issue you must not, for love sake, sweep under the carpet. It is something you must discuss and agree on a solution agreeable to you in particular. Whatever sentiment you wish to apply, ensure it is one that can stand the rigours of time as well as secure your peace of mind always. 

If left unaddressed, there is no way it would not affect you psychologically as well as emotionally. When the mind has both psychological and emotional problems, everything one engages in becomes polluted by the burden of these emotions. So, to this extent, it will impact negatively on you for the simple reason you will lack the needed concentration to be thorough at a job. 

So weigh carefully your options and settle for the one you know would preserve your happiness at the end. And at any rate, you still have a long way to go at just 22. You should be more interested at reaching your set goals now that you have the strength and time to pursue these goals without distractions. 

To do a good job of this, learn from this early beginning to pray and depend on the counsel of God.

Good luck. 

 Lonely Heart 

Dear Agatha,

Compliments of the season! I’m a regular reader of your column. Please I need a modest, mature and serious minded lady, who understands what it means to be in love and not for the gains of going into a relationship.

Î am an honest person, who doesn’t pretend about anything in life. I am easy going, who needs an assertive lady, a woman figure and not a go-go person, a communicator, not a talkative. She must be a focused person who understand times and seasons, a loving and submissive lady, a great homemaker.  I am in my 20s. The woman must be God-fearing, educated or uneducated, between the ages 20 and 28 years of age. I would appreciate SMS only on 07041615055 or mail: ilesanmi2001@yahoo.com

Okanlawon

Sexual Ecstasy: Who Enjoys Most, Man Or Woman?

Dear Agatha, 

Is it true that men enjoy only one percent of sex? I am about to get married. Please help me.

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

Whosoever told you such a thing is not only being mischievous, but also ignorant of the ways the bodies of the man and woman work.

As a matter of fact, most men benefit more from sex than the woman. This has to do with the body anatomy, which places all the sexual organs on the surface of their bodies unlike that of a woman placed inside her body. In addition a man is moved by what he sees, while a woman is moved by what she feels. To get her to enjoy sex she needs more than passing attention, she needs stimulation to come to par with her man. 

It is only a man who is selfish, unimaginative, and unadventurous, who ends up complaining about the woman being a bad lover. Men who complain about their wives’ sexual shortcomings are only advertising their own inadequacies as a man. There is really no much ado about sexual satisfaction if both parties agree that it is an adult game and as such apply the maturity and liberty that comes with being old enough to enjoy the benefits of the age. 

Pretences and suspicion are the reasons so many couples especially men aren’t getting the full power of their marital privileges. Since no woman wants to incur the suspicions and nagging of her husband, she ends up suppressing all her natural instincts about lovemaking to preserve the image the husband has of her to the detriment of her sexual relationship with her husband. The end result is that the man becomes dissatisfied after a while and ends up having numerous affairs outside his home in his quest for something more exciting. 

To enjoy lovemaking, it is essential you see it primarily as a special gift from God, given to the married couple as a form of expression of the goodness and mystery of God. 

To ensure you don’t deprive yourself of the benefits that accrue from lovemaking, don’t assume you know it all or think that when your wife makes a demand she is promiscuous. To enjoy more than one percent, have a very liberal mind, encouraging her to give as much as she gets. Give her the confidence to teach you what you don’t know and also be patient too to teach her what she doesn’t know. 

One good thing about lovemaking is that it comes naturally. It is one of those things nobody teaches. It is as natural to us as the knowledge of knowing from the early moments of life that food goes through the mouth and that it comes from the mother’s breast during our neo-natal days. 

When a man encourages the wife to be her natural self in the bedroom, he is helping himself to enjoy more of the benefits inherent in lovemaking. But when a man arrogates to himself the supreme knowledge and power of the act, he ends up with far less than what God intended.

To achieve this, there is the need for you and your woman to sit and honestly discuss your sexual experiences as well as imagination. Whether we admit to it or not, we all have our secret sexual fantasies. This is because sex is an inborn primeval knowledge we all come with at birth. Despite the many colourations and taboos that have been built round it, it remains an integral part of man’s psychology. 

No matter what your background is, when a man and woman come together in marriage such taboos and drawbacks we come with from our families must be dismantled, because each age comes with a sexual revolution which must be carefully imbibed if the union is to stand the test of time. This is because the outside influences are so entrenched that a couple without a firm rhythm and understanding can be sucked easily into the mass dance. This is why so many men and women too are increasingly finding sexual solaces in the arms of other people outside their homes.

So discussing your fantasies as well as preferences help in no small way to ensure that at least the basic knowledge is exchanged while leaving enough room for exploration. The advantage of such a talk is that it procures trust as well as set the tone on how to handle exigencies as they arise in the relationship.

Therefore you owe it to yourself and marriage to give your wife the freedom to participate fully in the bedroom activity. This way, both of you would earn more from the act.

Good luck. 

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

 I am 27 years of age. I need a caring lady who is HIV positive for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage. Interested lady should please call me on these numbers, 07088331021 or 07037381221.

Dear Agatha,

I am 43 years of age. I am interested in meeting a lady between 30 to 40 years of age. She must be God fearing, responsible and ready to settle down. An interested lady should contact me through this number, 07052161976.

My Wife Turns Our Home To Debating Society

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column and I need your candid advice as usual.

I am married to a beautiful and lovely woman and together we have two lovely daughters. My wife is a year older than me and we did talk about the psychological effects of this before we got married. We both agreed to respect each other and not let that get into our heads.

The problem now is we argue a lot and most times it just doesn’t make me feel happy. I just think my wife likes everything to end the way she says it should, and that gets me mad sometimes. We practically end up arguing over everything which as far as I am concerned is unfortunate. 

Agatha, do you think this has to do with the fact that she is one year older than me? I try as much as possible to avoid reminding her of her domineering attitude as well as the fact of her age just to avoid sinking the boat of our marriage. But there is a limit to human endurance; I might not take it for too long because it is eating me up inside. I have tried to communicate this to her and yet no change has occurred.

Agatha, do we call this marriage quit?

Leo.

 

Dear Leo,

Marriage is a life-time journey; one you are not expected to graduate from unless it is marred with violence and threat to the life of one of the parties.

In this instance, there is nothing so profound as to make you want to quit this marriage. You see, marriage is like a wrapped gift, until it is opened, there is no way of knowing its content. In life, being contented with what you have is the first step towards securing one’s happiness. To avoid disappointment and disillusionment in your marriage and as a wife, you must learn to appreciate the uniqueness that is your marriage and it cannot work the same way that of your friends are working. Just like our faces and personalities, our marriages must at all time reflect the individualism of the couples involved.

But like every item, it comes with a general information manual aimed at helping one get over the nitty-gritty of the operation. Often than not, the main instruction on every marriage manual is mutual respect for each other. Once a couple is determined to operate the guidebook by showing consideration for the other party, many problems which are today tearing couples apart would never be.

To be candid from all you have said, there is nothing profoundly wrong with your union except the issue of ego on both your parts. If you were older than she is, would you feel she is trying to dominate you? Are you sure, part of your problems isn’t because you see her as being older than you and unable to control her?

Sincerely, a lot would depend on your own worth as a man. How much of yourself have you brought into the relationship? How much of her have you been able to control? Even if you are older than she is, as the man and head of the home, you must be able to control your home not by being a tyrant but by assuming the leadership of your home.

This is often achieved by trying to understand the person of your partner. Beyond the issue of age and your constant disputes, who is this woman you married? What makes her happy? How much sacrifices on your part would do to ensure she stays happy? How far are you willing to go to protect this marriage from total collapse? Have you been able to pinpoint her various moods as well as the challenges of her upbringing? Who we think has some contribution to our growing-up years. If she is domineering, is it something she just developed on account of the fact that she is older than you or what the circumstances of her family life made her out to be? It is in your interest as well as this marriage to find out.

What was she like before you both got married? Can you ever remember her being submissive to you all the time you were both dating? If she did, at what point did she change and what do you think could be the reason?

Don’t be shy to take the lead in your home. By being a leader, she would be proud to take orders from you any day and time. You could be going about wresting power in the wrong way. You must be the kind of leader she can trust, draw inspiration from and depend on always. She can only agree to follow you if she is convinced that you won’t be leading her into the abyss by rash and immature decisions. This is especially important particularly as she is slightly older than you.

Again, it is imperative you also understand the nature of your arguments. What are you two always arguing over? Are these arguments over the duties each of you is expected to perform in the home? Has it to do with the inability of the two of you to recognise what you are each expected to do in your home?

Honestly, there is no way you can change her from being who she is without you first knowing how best to go about it. She must understand where you are coming from to enable her accept your changes without complaints. If she is convinced that the changes you are trying to introduce are wholesome and not aimed at making her the servant in the relationship, she would listen.

One of the quickest ways to get her disinterested in you is insist on talking only about yourself without pausing to listen to her talk about how she too would want things to be in the home. By remembering she is also an equal partner in the home would go a long way in helping the two of you resolve the issue amicably without either of you feeling cheated. There is no marriage in history that hasn’t gone through the wet and dry periods. You are not perfect, neither is she. Once you come to the point to appreciate that, it is always better in life to manage the faults we know than go for the perfection we don’t. You will be better focused on finding a lasting solution.

Help your marriage by taking her away from the tension in your home for a romantic weekend where both of you can talk as friends and two people who know what they want and are not too proud to ask each other forgiveness and a way forward. Patience, loyalty and faith in God to help out at critical moments would win you this battle.

Good luck.