My uncle isn’t my cousin’s father

Dear Agatha, I am 17 years of age. My parents died in a fatal accident which necessitated my coming to stay with my maternal uncle who in addition to being very nice had always loved me, as his own. My mother was his immediate younger sister and they were very close. From since I can remember, he treated me as his child. When my mother died and my paternal family wanted me to come over to them, he refused insisting I was better off with him. Although his wife hasn’t ever said anything otherwise but, I know in a way, she resents my presence. Initially, I confided in my uncle who surprising didn’t protest what I told him. Instead, he pleaded with me to keep ignoring his wife that she is the cross he and I have to bear for sometime. To ensure I lacked for nothing, he gives me pocket money every week in addition to paying a fixed amount into an account he opened for me every month. He told me never to touch the money; that it was his way of securing my future should anything happen to him. I got to know about the money and account because he gave me the passbook which he instructed me to keep away from anywhere his wife or daughter would see it. Recently, he took an education policy for me. He also told me not to disclose this to his wife or daughter. I will be going to the university later this year. His only child from his wife is a year older than I am. I have tried to be her friend but she and her mother keep pushing me away. She is also very rude; always gossiping with her mother about my brother and my mother’s family. Severally, they talk negatively about my uncle; calling him that fool. One day, I overhead them abusing my late mother; calling her names simply because, my mother never supported her brother’s decision to marry her. That isn’t even the problem now. There is this man that keeps coming to visit her whenever my uncle is out of town. Once he came when my uncle who was to travel that morning changed his plans at the very last minute. He was supposed to travel that day but changed his mind just as he entered his car. He was still outside the compound when the man came. He must have acted on the previous information he had concerning my uncle’s movement because he came about five minutes after the time my uncle should have left. Anyway, through the introduction, I got to know he was related to them. If my uncle believed the story, I don’t know but from the way my uncle’s wife and my cousin behaved, in my mind, I knew the story wasn’t true. Also, the way my uncle looked from the man to his wife and his daughter gave me the chill. My suspicions were confirmed recently when they were arguing about my cousin. The man kept referring to my cousin as his daughter and that he would blow the lid if my uncle’s wife doesn’t return his child. Thank goodness I was outside the door of the house so I ran back to avoid being seen by either of them. I don’t know what to do; whether to tell my uncle about it what I heard. I know my uncle isn’t a happy man. The woman he would have married before he met this woman has a set of twins for him. He cares for them but he doesn’t want to have anything to do with their mother who is still unmarried. My uncle is the only boy of his parents. His other siblings are women. What do you suggest I do? The children outside are boys and replicas of my uncle. They are already in the university. Please help me as this problem is beyond me. Concerned Niece. Dear Concerned Niece, You are too young to get involved in this matter. Marriage is a complex thing far beyond your comprehension. Every marriage has its strength, mystery, absurdities and sacrifices. What you see may not be the whole thing. Besides it is always best to stay off the marriage pattern of people. Even if the people involved are your parents, the dynamism of marriage precludes third party interventions unless when called upon to help. Besides, there are certain agreements between a man and woman that make third party intervention dangerous to the one who is trying to intrude. In addition, it is your words against hers. What prove do you have about the information you have? The danger of telling your uncle is that the tables could be turned against you; the woman accusing you of trying to destroy her home. Knowing that your late mother never liked her, she could say your mind had been poisoned against her by your late mother who vowed never to give her peace in her marriage. A woman can always get her man to believe anything she says through the special powers God has given a woman. This is the secret of womanhood. This is beyond your league even though your concern for your uncle is well founded and grounded. My take? Stay out of this marriage. Unless she is using a magical means to blindfold your uncle to the nature of relationship between her and this strange male visitor to your uncle’s house, chances are your uncle mght have his suspicions; only waiting for the right opportunity to act. Taking out an education policy, paying monthly money into your account and instructing you not to allow her come across the passbook, are his ways of preparing you for and protecting you from the consequences of whatever it is he is planning. Don’t be deceived that he isn’t getting information from neighbors about his strange visitor. Changing his plans at the very last minute couldn’t have been by accident. Something must have prompted that action. Looking through all the three of them like you observed, is also an indication that your uncle isn’t the fool his wife probably think he is. Your presence in the house could be why he is bidding his time; he may not want to upset you emotionally knowing that what he offers is as close to a family set up as you can get. If he sends her away now, you will be the one who will suffer from lack of company or having to go and leave with another person. He could be waiting for you to move to the campus before executing his decisions. Therefore, you would be making it messier by involving yourself in a matter that could have been sealed by your uncle. What your uncle needs from you are prayers. Battle like the one your uncle is fighting requires someone to stand in gap for him. Although, you are young, help your uncle reconcile his family by getting close to his sons. Become their friends, get to know what they feel and think. Be the chain that will bind them to your side of the family. If they haven’t been coming home for holidays; engage your uncle in a discussion to know why they haven’t been coming; insist he brings them home at least during the holidays. This way, whatever hurts, pains or wrong impression they feel towards their father, would gradually be erased. This is the only way you can repay him for his love and care. Wisdom isn’t a gift bestowed on humans by God on account of age. From the content of your letter, it is obvious God has given you a wisdom above your age. You could also confide in one of your aunties who is very understanding and can keep secrets about what you heard. The reason for this is to have another member of the family outside you, know about it for posterity sake. Being older than you and the man at the center of it all her brother, she would know what to do with the information. But for now, learn to pray for him. He needs it to refocus his family and life. Good luck.