Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My Husband Starves Me Of Sex


Dear Agatha,


I am a married woman with a four-year-old son. Since I gave birth to the child, my husband has refused to make love to me. Anytime I go to him he would give one excuse or the other for not being with me.

I am tired and want to leave him. I have prayed but nothing seems to be happening. I sincerely don’t want to raise my son in another man’s house. Please help me because I am so confused. Besides I don’t know if anything has happened to my womb with the long forced abstinence from sex. It would have been different if we were making long spaced love but to stay totally away from it while living with a man under the same roof is more than I can endure.

Tolu.


Dear Tolu,

There is more to this issue than you have written. Being a woman, my natural reaction is to condemn your man but something tells me that a lot must have happened between the time you had the child and now to make things this terrible between the two of you.

This is one situation where complete honesty is required to correct whatever may have gone wrong between the two of you. A man doesn’t just make up his mind not to come near the woman he lives with under the same roof without a concrete reason.

This is because men by nature are moved by their sight rather than by their strength when it comes to sex. Men do not have the emotional strength to use sex as a weapon, and that is the area where women have field day, not men. For him to have resisted your feminine charms for four years without a record failure means the issues at stake are more fundamental than what you have stated.

What went wrong? How did you both get to this point? What happened before you had your son? Did you ever do anything to make him doubt your loyalty to him, the paternity of the child or suspect you of the possibility of having an extra-marital affair? Do you also think there is another woman who is engaging his attention? Have you ever insulted him in the presence of an audience, under-valued his position as the head of the house? How well do you respect him as your head?

These are some of the issues that can make a man so determined to ignore his wife and her presence in his home. Contrary to general thinking that hell has no fury like a woman scorned, a hurting man can go to any length in life to protect his damaged ego. He is denying you sex as a weapon to make you acknowledge his importance in your life. And the most unfortunate thing about all these is that while he has the liberty to go outside to be with another woman, you don’t. If you do that while still under his roof would count as infidelity on your part. Even though he would also be committing the same offence if he sleeps with another woman, the society would view any attempt by you as sacrilegious while he is counted as normal.

Yes, his decision to deprive you of sex is serious enough to warrant you seeking divorce from him on ground of emotional cruelty but it might not be the actual solution to whatever has caused this problem between you two. If you fail to be honest now, you risk making the same mistake in your next relationship.

The essence of experiences like yours is not only to learn a hard lesson but also to help bring about a positive reformation in our attitudes towards others especially those close to us.

Which of his ego did you hurt? Be honest because therein lies the key to the solution of your problems with him.

Some incidents are more visible than others. Look at the visible faults you have as well as those you think aren’t important. Usually the seemingly unimportant things are the ones with the most harm.

In examining this issue, look beyond your sex life together. What sort of man is he? Apart from denying you his body, what sort of husband and father is he? Before the birth of your son, what sort of lover was he? Is he cruel in our ways to you and your son? Does he provide for your feeding, care as well as welfare of the child?

During your pregnancy, was he caring? Before now, did you ever use sex as a weapon? Has he ever had reasons to complain bitterly against a particular thing about you before or after the birth of the child?

Although not an excuse, what shape are you in now? Do you still consider yourself as attractive as you were before you gave birth? How much did you change in terms of temperament since having your child? Have you ever made attempt to discuss why he is refusing to make love with you? What other efforts have you made to get him to change his mind?

All these are issues you must put into consideration when making up your mind on what to do.

Even though yours seem an irredeemable marriage, with a lot of hard work and determination, it can still work out if you both apply your mind to it.

Four years may appear to be a lifetime, too late to discuss what could have influenced his decision but it isn’t to a determined mind.

Can you remember what he liked most about you the first time you both met? Why not resurrect it from wherever you have kept it to get him to look your way again. It is important you get him to talk else you would never be able to forgive him or get over the harm of his neglect of you.

If it entails getting his family and yours to intervene, don’t hesitate. Believe me when I say it is easier for a man to start all over again than for a woman. A woman who has a failed marriage behind her is instantly judged as a failure, one who couldn’t endure or has a long list of bad habits, which drove the man away from her. No matter how defensible her reasons for ending the marriage are she takes all the guilt. It takes a long while for the society to see things her way but isn’t so for the man who is instantly tagged as the victim.

It takes a special kind of luck and God’s grace to find a man who would look after another man’s child as his own. In most cases, it is a torture for both mother and child to live happy in another man’s house.

For your son, it isn’t going to be a bed of roses especially if you are going into the man’s house as a second or third wife. It is for his sake, you must first try everything you know to get your man to talk and discuss the way forward.

In addition to the more common reason of him having an affair, it could also be spiritual as well as psychological.

Though not a frequently, thought of possibility or one considered important enough, but some men react negatively to the hassles they witness their wives go through during pregnancy, at child birth, if he was present with you in the hospital and after it especially if the women went through a difficult labour. The thought of losing their wives make such men go into emotional shock and subsequently rash decisions aimed at ensuring their women don’t go through the process of childbirth again.

This they do out of acute love and consideration but because they lack knowledge of how to present and explain their feelings to their partners, rush into extreme measures, like your husband, not to make pregnancy happen again. The acute fear locked deep in their subconscious make every thought of making love to their wives repulsive.

Their refusal to discuss their hidden fears with their wives makes nonsense of their aim and desire to protect these women from the pains nature expects them to go through in the process of bringing a life to earth.

If this is true of his case, leaving him isn’t a solution instead he needs your love and support to get over his phobia. He needs you to explain that whatever you went through during your pregnancy and afterwards were not life threatening but normal processes women go through.

To help him get his confidence back, encourage him to use condom while making love with you until he overcomes the phobia.

You may also get professional help if you feel he needs further help.

The spiritual angle comes up if he was brought up to belief sex can only happen between a couple when they desire a child. It would also require your understanding as well as patience to make him appreciate that unlike him, you cannot do without his company and comfort. Let him know that he attitude is pushing you to consider quitting the marriage, as you cannot continue to cope with the situation any more.
It is also important you ask him pointedly if there is any medical problem he recently developed which he is trying not to pass on to you.

Whatever his reasons are or your mistakes are, make it clear he has pushed you to your limit and that if he doesn’t change, you may have no choice but to walk out of the union. Both of you must be willing to offer forgiveness and accepting it in return for the sake of the child.

Making it clear you have gotten to your limit would help him appraise his stance over this matter.

But, don’t quit unless you have done everything humanly possible and you are really left with no option. Your level of determination and love would save or destroy this marriage.

Beyond the issue of the added danger of childbirth older women face, lack of sex doesn’t have any damaging medical consequences.

Good luck.