Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am very devastated right now.
There is this guy, a colleague, in my former office who asked for help last year concerning his school fees.
I loaned him N50,000 with the understanding he would pay back at the end of that month, November last year.
After a while, he told me he would pay back in June this year but he hasn’t been able to. Now he has told me categorically he will not pay the money and started blackmailing me to anybody that cares to listen that I am demanding my money back because he has refused to go ahead with his earlier decision to marry me.
Agatha, I am not a bad person else I would have done a lot of things that will make him pay back either in cash or in kind.
Please I am so uncomfortable with this type of behaviour and turn of event.
I value my integrity, and people to the glory of God, respect me.
I want to hear from you what you think I can do to this guy.
Please help me.
Your Reader.
Dear Reader,
There are two categories of people on earth: the good and the bad. This guy obviously had no intentions of repaying you that money. He planned it.
I appreciate your sense of disappointment and pains at the way he is repaying a good deed. It is unfortunate but nevertheless, don’t allow him make you do something alien to your character. It isn’t worth it. If you have been able to live without the money for almost a year, it means God is blessing you in more ways than you know.
See the money as a form of sacrifice and hand the matter over to God who knows the way to get him to pay the money several times over on things or problems he isn’t prepared for. He has only told you the kind of person he is and what he doesn’t know is that the same situation that prompted him to beg you for money would certainly happen to him again and this time, he may never find anyone to help him.
If you take on the fight yourself, apart from being unable to deal with him as extensively as God would, you risk committing a crime that could put you on the wrong side of God. This is one instance, you have to allow God do His thing.
Just ignore him to prevent him from further scandalising your name.
It is well.
Good luck.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Despite my sincerity she still double dates…
Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com,agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
you are indeed a rare gem in the tackling of relationship matters. My sincere prayer is that your hands would always be lifted up. I am 25 years old while my girlfriend is 21. She has secondary school leaving certificate. We are childhood friends and I love her so much to the extent I have promised to help preserve her virginity and personality forever.
But the problem is after all the promises we made to each other, when I went back to school she started having problem of poor communication as well as less concern for me.
When I enquired what the problem was, she said nothing was amiss but later sent me a text message complaining that she no longer understood me. Unknown to me, she was already having affairs with someone else.
I came back from school at the end of the semester to find out from her what the problem was with our relationship. She told me it was due to lack of money and assured that everything was okay.
After a week, I came back again because she was ill and was admitted in the hospital. I didn’t understand what the matter was. I had to stay behind until she was discharged. While in the hospital, I kept assuring her of my unconditional love.
Once she was okay, I stopped visiting to concentrate on my vacation job but I soon realised that she would be worried about my long absence especially since I didn’t call to ask after her health, so I went to see her again.
While in their house, I discovered she wasn’t exactly happy with me for not visiting her, knowing I was wrong, I apologised. I also saw some of her friends who rebuked me and told me not to hurt her because she truly loved me.
I later went back with a close friend of mine she knew so well to see her. This time she was very cheerful but as I made to take her phone, she quickly collected it from me.
Her action made me uneasy because I knew she was hiding something from me. I was very determined to get to the bottom of it so I tricked her into parting with her phone.
I read all the text messages she and the guy exchanged. Needless to say, I was disappointed and hurt because she happens to be the only girl in my life.
The worst part of it is that the affair is getting into its second month.
Agatha, I need your advice and help please. I don’t want to lose her.
Tochukwu
Dear Tochukwu,
Even though you were very wrong to go through her text messages, disappointment, heartaches and betrayal are concomitant part of life especially in relationships. To have a whole and human heart, we must at one time or the other experience all these emotions.
Only the tough survives such betrayals. But to satisfy your conscience, let her know you have found out about the other guy in her life. Spill everything you know about the affair and hear what she has to say about it.
Sometimes, these kinds of affairs come from being lonely especially as you are always away in school. Although not a good enough reason for her to betray your trust in her, hearing her reasons would help you come to a clear understanding of all the issues involved.
Not everybody is gifted with the strength and maturity to handle long distant relationship. It may not be for sex but decided to go into it for the sake of having the company of a man around her.
Although it may not always be possible to avoid staying away from one’s partner it is highly imperative for men to take time out to study the nature of their women. The fact that the society expects women to be faithful to their men at all times doesn’t mean all women have the capacity to be. While it is true that some women are out-rightly promiscuous and so cannot be bothered if their men are around them or not, yet there are some who are built to be useless without a man around them.
These women just cannot exist on their own: would always need the presence of a man to make them feel complete. If your woman happens to fall within this category of women, you will need to device a way of visiting her more frequently to kill the urge in her to seek the company of another man.
By listening to her reasons, you would know if she actually did it out of fun or for the reason I have already explained. It is also important you actually ask her at this juncture her reason for agreeing to a relationship with you. Being childhood friends, she just may have gotten used to having you around her; said yes to you out of habit and not from a real knowledge of what she truly feels for you. Fondness could be mistake for love between the two people who have been around each other for a long time.
It may also be out of fear that she may not be good enough for you considering where she has stopped educationally. It may just be a matter of assurances on your part that you won’t consider her inferior after you have finished your examinations.
Ask her to search her heart and tell you what she really feels for you. If the feeling isn’t real, no amount of love you shower on her that would be enough to stop her falling in love with another man. Your feelings for her may come from a true heart of love but the same thing may not be said for her.
If she has compromised her virginity with this man, then it is something deeper than imagined, a clear indication that she may think she has found her true soul mate. The best step would be for you to allow her be because nothing you say or do would ever stop the two of them from continuing until she decides otherwise on her own.
But if she is yet to sleep with him too, both of you can with maturity and proper focus of where your relationship is going to, talk this out with a view of working something positive out. You could start by encouraging her to go back to school even if it is on part-time basis.
Better education could give her the necessary confidence to believe more in herself and abilities. This would make her more settled in with you and the relationship.
Ultimately, God is the only one who has the final say in matters like this. Learn more to trust him because sometimes, He deliberately allows certain situations to stop us from making the wrong decision.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
you are indeed a rare gem in the tackling of relationship matters. My sincere prayer is that your hands would always be lifted up. I am 25 years old while my girlfriend is 21. She has secondary school leaving certificate. We are childhood friends and I love her so much to the extent I have promised to help preserve her virginity and personality forever.
But the problem is after all the promises we made to each other, when I went back to school she started having problem of poor communication as well as less concern for me.
When I enquired what the problem was, she said nothing was amiss but later sent me a text message complaining that she no longer understood me. Unknown to me, she was already having affairs with someone else.
I came back from school at the end of the semester to find out from her what the problem was with our relationship. She told me it was due to lack of money and assured that everything was okay.
After a week, I came back again because she was ill and was admitted in the hospital. I didn’t understand what the matter was. I had to stay behind until she was discharged. While in the hospital, I kept assuring her of my unconditional love.
Once she was okay, I stopped visiting to concentrate on my vacation job but I soon realised that she would be worried about my long absence especially since I didn’t call to ask after her health, so I went to see her again.
While in their house, I discovered she wasn’t exactly happy with me for not visiting her, knowing I was wrong, I apologised. I also saw some of her friends who rebuked me and told me not to hurt her because she truly loved me.
I later went back with a close friend of mine she knew so well to see her. This time she was very cheerful but as I made to take her phone, she quickly collected it from me.
Her action made me uneasy because I knew she was hiding something from me. I was very determined to get to the bottom of it so I tricked her into parting with her phone.
I read all the text messages she and the guy exchanged. Needless to say, I was disappointed and hurt because she happens to be the only girl in my life.
The worst part of it is that the affair is getting into its second month.
Agatha, I need your advice and help please. I don’t want to lose her.
Tochukwu
Dear Tochukwu,
Even though you were very wrong to go through her text messages, disappointment, heartaches and betrayal are concomitant part of life especially in relationships. To have a whole and human heart, we must at one time or the other experience all these emotions.
Only the tough survives such betrayals. But to satisfy your conscience, let her know you have found out about the other guy in her life. Spill everything you know about the affair and hear what she has to say about it.
Sometimes, these kinds of affairs come from being lonely especially as you are always away in school. Although not a good enough reason for her to betray your trust in her, hearing her reasons would help you come to a clear understanding of all the issues involved.
Not everybody is gifted with the strength and maturity to handle long distant relationship. It may not be for sex but decided to go into it for the sake of having the company of a man around her.
Although it may not always be possible to avoid staying away from one’s partner it is highly imperative for men to take time out to study the nature of their women. The fact that the society expects women to be faithful to their men at all times doesn’t mean all women have the capacity to be. While it is true that some women are out-rightly promiscuous and so cannot be bothered if their men are around them or not, yet there are some who are built to be useless without a man around them.
These women just cannot exist on their own: would always need the presence of a man to make them feel complete. If your woman happens to fall within this category of women, you will need to device a way of visiting her more frequently to kill the urge in her to seek the company of another man.
By listening to her reasons, you would know if she actually did it out of fun or for the reason I have already explained. It is also important you actually ask her at this juncture her reason for agreeing to a relationship with you. Being childhood friends, she just may have gotten used to having you around her; said yes to you out of habit and not from a real knowledge of what she truly feels for you. Fondness could be mistake for love between the two people who have been around each other for a long time.
It may also be out of fear that she may not be good enough for you considering where she has stopped educationally. It may just be a matter of assurances on your part that you won’t consider her inferior after you have finished your examinations.
Ask her to search her heart and tell you what she really feels for you. If the feeling isn’t real, no amount of love you shower on her that would be enough to stop her falling in love with another man. Your feelings for her may come from a true heart of love but the same thing may not be said for her.
If she has compromised her virginity with this man, then it is something deeper than imagined, a clear indication that she may think she has found her true soul mate. The best step would be for you to allow her be because nothing you say or do would ever stop the two of them from continuing until she decides otherwise on her own.
But if she is yet to sleep with him too, both of you can with maturity and proper focus of where your relationship is going to, talk this out with a view of working something positive out. You could start by encouraging her to go back to school even if it is on part-time basis.
Better education could give her the necessary confidence to believe more in herself and abilities. This would make her more settled in with you and the relationship.
Ultimately, God is the only one who has the final say in matters like this. Learn more to trust him because sometimes, He deliberately allows certain situations to stop us from making the wrong decision.
Good luck.
My husband lives abroad but has a secret child
Agatha Edo , Email:gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com, 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I am 29 years old and married for over four years with a child. I have a big problem; my husband resides overseas while I reside in Nigeria. I had my daughter in 2007 the same year we were married.
Recently, I heard my husband impregnated a lady who gave birth to a baby boy in 2009. He concealed this information from me but I got to hear about the child all the same. I was also told that he refused to accept the child but this doesn’t change the fact that he is the father of the child.
Now, he is in prison because of some personal issues. Because of this, I decided not to open up the wound till he comes out bearing in mind the pains of being in prison. In addition to encouraging him, I also established a little business for the upkeep of the family.
He has been in prison for one year plus but will be released in about two months when after serving his term. We are in constant touch with each other through letters but he keeps asking me for forgiveness without being specific on what he has done.
Last Christmas, we agreed that I should travel to the village but before the date, he called to cancel our initial decision when he found out that the stress of travelling with the baby will be too much.
Somehow things degenerated when I also tried to argue about his sudden change of mind. Issues became heated and he threatened to terminate the marriage and come for his baby. I really felt bad at the hurtful things he said as well as his attitude.
As a result of this, I was afraid of even continuing with the marriage but I also didn’t want a broken marriage at all. But it has brought to the fore that he might do worse things in future. I have been alone and faithful to him for three good years. Please advise me on what to do.
Onyii.
Dear Onyii,
There is no war patience cannot win. Just a little more of it, you would be the one having the last laugh.
There is no way he would have said all those hurtful things to you if you also didn’t complicate matters or try to argue with him on why you think you should go. u. Often times, we conveniently forget our contributions to an impasse and just focus on the reactions of the other person. In marriage, issues cannot be settled amicably if couples insist on apportioning blames for a situation they both contributed to.
If you take time out to look again at that incident objectively, you would agree with me that something you said instigated his response to you. Your disappointment at having all your plans for the trip cancelled by him is enough reason to make you say things you would ordinarily not say but because you were under the influence of anger, you didn’t bother to consider the implications of such utterances.
Since both of you were having this conversation and argument over the phone, a lot of things which personal contact would have cushioned came into the conversation unfiltered. His frustration over your refusal to understand and appreciate his concern for your safety as well as that of the baby made him flare up just as your anger at his seeming insensitivity at cancelling a trip you must have invested time and money on planning.
Again, at every opportunity you have to argue with your husband over an issue, think of the extra difficulties of managing successfully a long distance marriage. While women who live with their husbands can afford to make certain mistakes and get away with it, you cannot afford such luxury else you put your marriage at risk.
Whether you like it or not, the success or failure of your marriage rests with you. The reason is simple, being alone in a foreign land; he is exposed to all manner of temptations and women who want to take your place in his life. Being a man, he can easily fall into temptations. Like in the case of the birth of the baby boy. Unless you are not realistic enough, the society would eventually prevail on you to take him back and learn to accept the presence of his love child.
But nobody would be that lenient with you. Should you as a married woman get close to any man outside your husband, you will be instantly condemned and branded as having low moral values. Either way, it is the man that still wins this game so be very careful what you say or do to him in the present delicate stage of your relationship. For now, only your gentle words, understanding, obedience, appreciation, patience, friendship and prayers can put a check on him. He needs something absolutely good about you to remember and withhold him from falling into the temptations his status in that country offers him.
You are not there physically to act as a restriction for other women but well-worded expressions of trust, respect and encouragement would help him remain faithful to you. No man wants to hurt a woman who is his support base, who is respectful to him as well as shows appreciable understanding for him. Yes, men are built to stray but a lot of them know when to apply the brakes when it comes to that woman who has learnt to be very respectful to them.
A little bit of patience could have averted what obviously has become a sore point in your relationship. Frankly, if you want to manage this marriage, it isn’t too late to make amends especially now that he is in prison and having all the time in the world to reflect on some of his decisions. Let him know that he remains the most important person in your life and that if you have said or done anything in the past to provoke his anger, you are also sorry. There is a limit to the quantity of garbage a marriage can carry. If not off-loaded daily, you risk covering the reason, essence and beauty of the union under the filthiness of the dirt. Your marriage needs a new lease of life everyday to blossom to its full potentials.
Marriages are constantly in need of second chances to write every wrong done the previous day.
As for that baby, I am glad that you are matured enough to know that irrespective of what he says now, he remains the biological father of the child.
No matter the personal pains, don’t fight him or encourage him to abandon the baby. Like every betrayed wife, you have the right to be angry and express your hurt to the man you trusted enough to give up your freedom for but be careful you don’t overdo it for the sake of the innocent life involved.
Ask him what he intends to do about the baby. Don’t involve yourself too much beyond encouraging him to do the right thing for the child. Once he knows he has your support, he would do what is right.
What is happening to him and your marriage is an indication it has gotten to that important stage in your marriage when both of you have to consider living together as a couple. The idea of this transcontinental marriage may have lost its appeal in your marriage.
When he gets out of prison, encourage him to come down for a heart to heart discussion. When a couple stays apart for too long, a lot of things can go wrong not just with the relationship but with their psychology.
This is the time he needs you in that personal way a man needs a woman in his life. Going and coming out of prison will definitely have affected him in more ways than you can imagine. You both need to bond again as man and woman to make your marriage work.
More than ever before, turn full-scale to God because this is the time your marriage and person need Him the most.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I am 29 years old and married for over four years with a child. I have a big problem; my husband resides overseas while I reside in Nigeria. I had my daughter in 2007 the same year we were married.
Recently, I heard my husband impregnated a lady who gave birth to a baby boy in 2009. He concealed this information from me but I got to hear about the child all the same. I was also told that he refused to accept the child but this doesn’t change the fact that he is the father of the child.
Now, he is in prison because of some personal issues. Because of this, I decided not to open up the wound till he comes out bearing in mind the pains of being in prison. In addition to encouraging him, I also established a little business for the upkeep of the family.
He has been in prison for one year plus but will be released in about two months when after serving his term. We are in constant touch with each other through letters but he keeps asking me for forgiveness without being specific on what he has done.
Last Christmas, we agreed that I should travel to the village but before the date, he called to cancel our initial decision when he found out that the stress of travelling with the baby will be too much.
Somehow things degenerated when I also tried to argue about his sudden change of mind. Issues became heated and he threatened to terminate the marriage and come for his baby. I really felt bad at the hurtful things he said as well as his attitude.
As a result of this, I was afraid of even continuing with the marriage but I also didn’t want a broken marriage at all. But it has brought to the fore that he might do worse things in future. I have been alone and faithful to him for three good years. Please advise me on what to do.
Onyii.
Dear Onyii,
There is no war patience cannot win. Just a little more of it, you would be the one having the last laugh.
There is no way he would have said all those hurtful things to you if you also didn’t complicate matters or try to argue with him on why you think you should go. u. Often times, we conveniently forget our contributions to an impasse and just focus on the reactions of the other person. In marriage, issues cannot be settled amicably if couples insist on apportioning blames for a situation they both contributed to.
If you take time out to look again at that incident objectively, you would agree with me that something you said instigated his response to you. Your disappointment at having all your plans for the trip cancelled by him is enough reason to make you say things you would ordinarily not say but because you were under the influence of anger, you didn’t bother to consider the implications of such utterances.
Since both of you were having this conversation and argument over the phone, a lot of things which personal contact would have cushioned came into the conversation unfiltered. His frustration over your refusal to understand and appreciate his concern for your safety as well as that of the baby made him flare up just as your anger at his seeming insensitivity at cancelling a trip you must have invested time and money on planning.
Again, at every opportunity you have to argue with your husband over an issue, think of the extra difficulties of managing successfully a long distance marriage. While women who live with their husbands can afford to make certain mistakes and get away with it, you cannot afford such luxury else you put your marriage at risk.
Whether you like it or not, the success or failure of your marriage rests with you. The reason is simple, being alone in a foreign land; he is exposed to all manner of temptations and women who want to take your place in his life. Being a man, he can easily fall into temptations. Like in the case of the birth of the baby boy. Unless you are not realistic enough, the society would eventually prevail on you to take him back and learn to accept the presence of his love child.
But nobody would be that lenient with you. Should you as a married woman get close to any man outside your husband, you will be instantly condemned and branded as having low moral values. Either way, it is the man that still wins this game so be very careful what you say or do to him in the present delicate stage of your relationship. For now, only your gentle words, understanding, obedience, appreciation, patience, friendship and prayers can put a check on him. He needs something absolutely good about you to remember and withhold him from falling into the temptations his status in that country offers him.
You are not there physically to act as a restriction for other women but well-worded expressions of trust, respect and encouragement would help him remain faithful to you. No man wants to hurt a woman who is his support base, who is respectful to him as well as shows appreciable understanding for him. Yes, men are built to stray but a lot of them know when to apply the brakes when it comes to that woman who has learnt to be very respectful to them.
A little bit of patience could have averted what obviously has become a sore point in your relationship. Frankly, if you want to manage this marriage, it isn’t too late to make amends especially now that he is in prison and having all the time in the world to reflect on some of his decisions. Let him know that he remains the most important person in your life and that if you have said or done anything in the past to provoke his anger, you are also sorry. There is a limit to the quantity of garbage a marriage can carry. If not off-loaded daily, you risk covering the reason, essence and beauty of the union under the filthiness of the dirt. Your marriage needs a new lease of life everyday to blossom to its full potentials.
Marriages are constantly in need of second chances to write every wrong done the previous day.
As for that baby, I am glad that you are matured enough to know that irrespective of what he says now, he remains the biological father of the child.
No matter the personal pains, don’t fight him or encourage him to abandon the baby. Like every betrayed wife, you have the right to be angry and express your hurt to the man you trusted enough to give up your freedom for but be careful you don’t overdo it for the sake of the innocent life involved.
Ask him what he intends to do about the baby. Don’t involve yourself too much beyond encouraging him to do the right thing for the child. Once he knows he has your support, he would do what is right.
What is happening to him and your marriage is an indication it has gotten to that important stage in your marriage when both of you have to consider living together as a couple. The idea of this transcontinental marriage may have lost its appeal in your marriage.
When he gets out of prison, encourage him to come down for a heart to heart discussion. When a couple stays apart for too long, a lot of things can go wrong not just with the relationship but with their psychology.
This is the time he needs you in that personal way a man needs a woman in his life. Going and coming out of prison will definitely have affected him in more ways than you can imagine. You both need to bond again as man and woman to make your marriage work.
More than ever before, turn full-scale to God because this is the time your marriage and person need Him the most.
Good luck.
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