Dear Agatha,
What is the use of having a woman who doesn’t know how to cook my food properly? It is so bad that if I don’t go out, I give my mother or sisters money to make my food. I have tried to make her change but she is very adamant, preferring to do what she likes.
She goes to fast food joints to buy food, garnish it for me to eat. Because I have stopped complaining as well as attempts to make her learn, she has started accusing me of having girlfriends. This prompted her to come to my office to disgrace one of my female colleagues she thought I was dating. But for the benevolence of my boss who has natural likeness and respect for me, I would have been sacked. He covered up the whole incident. Also my female colleague is a very matured mind, didn’t take offence at all.
The same cannot be said of my neighbour she accused of trying to break her home. It was a real show of shame as this woman descended on my wife and gave her the beating of a lifetime. It became a Police matter prompting the landlord to give me quit notice.
I have complained to her parents who have severally tried to talk sense into her head. The father, a very forthright man, right in my presence heaped the entire blame on my mother-in-law that he indicted for not teaching her daughters the right things to do as a woman.
He has kept pleading with me to be patient and even suggested she goes for some cooking lessons.
There are several things in the house she doesn’t know how to do. It is just that I have decided, for the sake of peace, to ignore these things. I have also deliberately kept my family out of this, because I know what my mother is capable of, if given the free reign, to interfere.
But at every point, I kept meeting with disappointment. We have been married for two years with no child. One would have expected her to be the anxious one, but she isn’t. And because I didn’t want to get her worried I refused to dwell on the matter only for me to discover that my wife who should be worried is actually on birth control pills. When I discovered the pills where she hid them on the side of her wardrobe when I was looking for a wrapper to cover her up during the fight with my neighbour, she didn’t deny it, insisting she wasn’t ready to be a mother now. Shouldn’t I be informed over such an important matter? This has really shattered me and as well make me doubt her motive for marrying me. Would a woman in love with her husband be this callous and adamant?
Agatha, I don’t know what to make of all these. I am nearing my wits exhaustion in this marriage. I really don’t know if I still love her or not.
Please help me because right now I feel like ending it all. Because of her peace seems to have deserted me completely. I don’t want to die before my time.
Gabriel.
Dear Gabriel,
It is high time both of you sat down to talk, as husband and wife. One thing is for a woman not to know how to cook, another thing is for her not to want a child.
You must know what her reasons are. At this point, the issues have gone beyond you quarrelling with her to you finding out what her reasons really are. It is obvious there are some very fundamental issues in this marriage both of you either neglected to discuss before you tied nuptials or glossed over.
Had both of you discussed the issue of when to start a family, the decision wouldn’t have been hers to make alone. If you didn’t discuss it, don’t take offence, just allow the past be and thoroughly thrash out the issue once and for all. Because the issue of marriage is a very delicate one, one that needs all the patience and wisdom in the world to handle, don’t allow what she did to affect you in such a way that forgiveness would be difficult for you to offer her. There is no arguing the fact that her conduct digs up the issue of trust and love, but you must learn at this nascent stage that for any marriage to work, the issue of who is wrong and right must never be allowed to creep in. If you insist on seeing her as the one wrong in this matter and you, right, the issue of personal ego will obliterate the necessity for both of you to come to amicable agreement.
It is only when the issue has been cordially resolved that you can jokingly and lovingly point her to the mistake she made, not with a view of reprimanding her, but of ensuring such mistake doesn’t come up again. Each day spent in marriage is a process of learning and new experiences.
If anybody tells you his or her marriage is perfect, then the person is trying to deceive you. At every point in marriage, one person has to do more than the other to pull it out of the woods. It is called the will of sacrifice and selflessness. Marriage is what nobody teaches and since you have entered into it, just ensure you give all it requires to work even when all the indices are urging you to give it up. Whatever reasons you have for deciding that your mother should continue to cook for you could also be her reasons for continuing with the pills. No incident ever happens in isolation. Our actions and decisions are always interwoven especially in a relationship. Until you take the time out to find out, two seemingly unrelated events may end up being the cause of the other. All you have to do is to probe deeper.
On the issue of her inability to cook, part of the blame goes to you. Granted, her mother laid the foundation, but you ensure its completion. When both of you were dating, didn’t she attempt to cook for you? Did you ever complain about her inability to cook? Did you encourage both of you eating out? Did you ever try to teach her the kinds of food that appealed to you the most? When you discovered her inability to cook, what efforts did you put in the house to teach her before deciding that your mother continues cooking for you?
Obviously if you did anything, your efforts are obviously not enough to make her change. We can argue all we like that it is the woman’s place to cook, but the truth, not all women are gifted in that area. Some women are repulsed at the idea of going to the kitchen not to talk of cooking. If she happens to be one of those kinds of persons, there is little you can do to make her fall in love with the kitchen, especially if she grew up in a home where she got away with it.
To engage her, don’t condemn her; rather bribe her with something you know she likes as incentive to make her want to learn. Ask her what her best food is and get someone to teach you how to cook it. Buy the ingredients and get her to help you out in the kitchen while you attempt to cook it. Don’t mind people who will laugh at you or sneer at the way of resolving your marital issue. The truth is that when it comes to marriage, we all have to find out different ways of resolving conflicts. Having applied the general rule and failed, try another way until you achieve what you want, which is getting her interested in cooking.
Going to your mother to cook for you isn’t right. And your mother is wrong to have accepted to do that. What she should have done is to offer to teach your wife how to cook for you. The fact that you are giving her or your sister money to cook should tell her that you are having a challenge with your wife. Encouraging you to give her money to cook is a subtle way of breaking your marriage even if you say you are doing your best to keep them off your marriage. That you are allowing her continue to cook your meals has given her every right to come into your marriage when she so desires.
As for her jealousy, think back, did you at anytime give her reasons to suspect you and any of these women? Why these women? She must have seen something strangely familiar between you and these women to make her suspicious. Even if you are not doing anything with these women the fact that your mother cooks your meals is enough reason to make her suspect that her inability to cook is making you look elsewhere for quality food.
When a woman has a deficiency in her life, she automatically assumes the man is searching for her placement in any woman she sees him with. Until you resolve the issue of her inability to cook, she will continue to suspect any woman close to you especially as you have contracted your mother to do your cooking.
Above all, learn to pray and apply God given wisdom to secure your marriage.
Good luck.
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