Dear Agatha,
I thank God for using you to proffer solutions to relationships and marital problems. The good Lord will continue to strengthen you.
My relationship is seven months old. Until I began to receive different calls and read several text messages from his different female friends. I was very much in love with him and also trusted him too.
Recently, I was invited to a programme but was unable to go back home because the programme ended very late. I had no choice but to call him to inform him of the development. He agreed but called later to request I should inform my neighbour’s daughter of his desire to sleep in my house. Since she wasn’t a stranger to my house I agreed but something about the arrangement didn’t sit well on me.
But I had no choice since the day was very late. The next morning, I rushed to the house only to see him arranging the house. I was surprised at this development because it wasn’t his nature to housekeep. When I made a comment about this he replied by informing me that my neighbour’s daughter took his money. According to him, she took his money on the allegations that he touched her. He denied knowledge of the incident on the grounds that he was drunk.
He told me the girl said the money was to buy her silence and keep the incident from me.
Baffled and desirous of getting to the root of the story, I instantly called the girl in his presence to hear her side of the story. To my shock, the girl right in his presence told me exactly what happened. According to her, my boyfriend gave her money to sleep with him only for him to turn round to ask for the money when she refused to give in to his request.
Right in his presence the girl told me he said he was tired of me, and looking for a way out of the relationship.
Fortunately, he did not succeed in sleeping with her and her mother is ignorant of what happened.
Since then he has been begging me for forgiveness, attributing what happened to the influence of alcohol. He also denied being tired of the relationship and me.
Please, Agatha advice me on how to go about this. Do I continue with the relationship or quit? You are the only one I can share this with.
Worried Lady.
Dear Worried Lady,You shouldn’t even debate something obvious like this at all. Quit this relationship. It isn’t healthy for you. Had he slept with the young girl and gotten her pregnant, what would have been his excuse, alcohol?
Had the girl told her mother, how would you have handled that, the attendant embarrassment and all the issues that go with such an act?
This man clearly isn’t responsible and lacks respect for you. You would be risking a lot of things by continuing with a man you cannot vouch for. It is obvious from the story that his actions were premeditated. He came with the sole purpose to lure the poor girl into his bed when the opportunity offered by your absence presented itself. All along, he had his eyes on the young girl but your presence prevented him for pursuing her.
Can you trust such a man with your sister, female relatives or friends? To continue with this type of man is to expose yourself to all sorts of emotional and social ridicules.
Leaving him is only a part of the solution. You also have to work on your values to avoid making more fatal emotional mistakes.
Seven months is too short a time to move into a house with a man or allow him the privilege to sleep over in your house.
You are lucky this incident didn’t go any further else you would have been mopping up a situation you know next to nothing about. In the seven months you have dated him, what do you know about him? What if he weren’t just a philanderer but a hardened criminal or into human ritual? What excuse would you be giving the Police? That you are innocent or don’t know the man you claim to be your boyfriend whom you sleep in his house or allow to sleep in your house is a criminal?
What if he had raped the girl? How would you have explained to your neighbour you didn’t know about his intentions considering you were the one who called the girl to allow him in?
If you are wise, you shouldn’t debate staying with him. Quitting should be a natural conclusion. The implication of what he wanted to do far outweigh whatever consideration of love you may have for him.
It is clear he doesn’t love or care for you in the same way you care for him. If he had any respect for you, he wouldn’t go to the length he went. For the girl to have told you right in his presence the things he said shows that he did say those things.
His conduct should serve as a vital lesson for you in your next relationship. That a woman allows a man free access into her body is no assurance the man would stay faithful to her. A relationship that will work doesn’t need the help of premarital sex. No woman can force a man into giving her what he isn’t ready to give, no matter how great a lover she is. It only presents a woman as being desperate.
A man who really cares for a woman, would never place sex as priority or insist on having it at all cost. Men only make it mandatory for women they have no plans for.
Your level of intimacy with this man you met seven months ago was too hasty. You didn’t give yourself enough time to study the man before you allowed him that much. You simply jumped into bed with him without investigating the stranger in him.
It takes more than a declaration of love to trust another with your body and space more so if you are a woman. The man has nothing to lose as evidenced by what he did and told the girl. A woman is supposed to protect her body, reputation and ideals as jealously as she protects her child. When a woman leaves her flanks unprotected, she becomes vulnerable to all sorts of male attractions.
Men are hunters by nature, which is why a woman must be very discreet and discriminatory on who comes close to her. Once a woman makes the mistake of picking the wrong sex partner or allows herself to be goaded by sentiments, she ends up opening herself up to derision unless she realises early enough and makes the effort to clean up her act.
Unless you are sure of a man, don’t encourage him to come to your place especially if you stay alone.
Love can happen at first sight but its needs the patience and wisdom of time to grow into something special and wonderful. Like raw gold, there is no hurrying the process of refining. To do that would be to come up with something inferior and substandard in nature. Only the goldsmith who is ready to endure the intensity of the heat and its attendant pains come up with the finest of gold. Any man who loves you must be ready to exercise patience and endure his emotional discomfort to have you for keeps.
When next you go into a relationship, give it time to grow naturally. From the beginning, state the ground rules. Don’t be afraid to let go because you can only keep what you have, not what you don’t have. No matter how advanced technology and permissive our ways of life have become, some things don’t change. When it comes to the moral values of a woman, men are still very traditional about it.
Therefore learn to exercise constraints for the sake of your self-respect.
Good luck.
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