We are always quarrelling

My husband and I are always quarrelling. There is hardly a day that we don’t quarrel. Ironically, the reason for our disagreement isn’t always tangible. Our family members are getting fed up because when they come to settle our quarrels, they always find that the reasons for our fights are not serious. Being a reader of your column, I have applied all the advice you give to make my marriage work but to no avail. Rather than abate, the issues keep escalating. I am getting fed up and confused. There is no name he doesn’t call me when he is angry. There is also no name I don’t call him either. Please, help me. I don’t want my marriage to crash. Joyce. Dear Joyce, Precisely, what are the issues in your marriage? When did all these start? How do these quarrels usually begin? What was the beginning like between the two of you? Deep in your mind, what do you think could be the causes of these constant quarrels? For how long have you been married and do you have children? Is there a contending issue in your marriage, which both of you didn’t resolve but swept under the carpet for the sake of peace? One thing is sure, your ability to recognise that your marriage is going through some difficult patches means that you are ready to face up to the truth about your marriage. From experience, there are some issues that may appear unimportant but end up becoming the major issues in a marriage. The thing is for you, as the woman, to sit your husband down for a discussion. Watch when he is in a good mood before bringing up the issue. There are irritations within your marriage that must be cleared if it has to move forward. You may not think they are irritants but if you look deeper, you will find that they are limiting your happiness. Let him tell you the things that keep annoying him about you, the home and other things around him. It might not be with your person but the way you organise his home. This is a possibility if before he married you, he liked his home in a particular way. If you are not up to his standard in terms of housekeeping, the fact of being in the house while it is in the sordid state is enough for someone, who is near perfect, to become irritated and pick up what may appear to be unnecessary quarrels. This is why you must take time to find out why you are always quarrelling. It could also be with the way you dress, personal hygiene or the way you approach issues. Sometimes, the things we ignore are usually the cause of profound and major problems in our homes. Get him to talk. Don’t be afraid to take the lead by asking probing questions. For instance, if it has to do with your personal hygiene, he may not want to hurt your feelings by broadcasting it to you but would respond better if you ask pointed questions. You may also want to take a look at your wardrobe. What kind of woman appeals to your husband? Take a look at the mirror and be as frank as possible. If you were a man, especially your husband, would anything in your appearance appeal to you? As a man, would you enjoy coming home to meet the woman you have become? Be frank and objective by looking at things through the eyes of your husband. Do you nag or easily take offence at whatever he says? There is nothing like enough patience. Patience is the most elastic feature of a marriage. There is no limit to tolerance and patience. No matter how tough it gets, always remember the reason you married this man among all the men that came your way. I concur, it is easier to forget when the challenges come but if you keep reminding yourself that marriage is all about sacrifice and selflessness, you will eventually become more profound in how to manage your home. That you are having these issues is an indication that you aren’t as patient as you think you are. When was the last time you took special interest in your appearance? This might just be the time to drag the old you wherever you hid her. He needs you to remind him of the woman he fell in love with and married. Marriage isn’t a place for a woman to look shabby. As a matter of fact, it is when a woman gets married that she should pay more attention to herself and appearance. You owe it to yourself to look wonderful to sustain the interest of your man. The married man is becoming endangered because a lot of women want what you have. When issues also get this complex, learn to be honest and prayerful. There is no human endeavour that is free from spiritual manipulations. Be forthright and determined to protect your marriage from everything that can make it fail. It could also be the issue of sex. Many men assume that a wife should know what they want in bed; actually wish for their wives could do better in bed but they will never say it preferring to act funny about it. During this talk, ask him how he wants you to make love to him. He may at first pretend not to like the question but don’t be fooled. Sexual tension in marriage can lead to a man picking up a fight with his wife at the slightest provocation. It isn’t often something you see but it is vital. His refusal to be specific, fishing for excuses where none exist, is an indication that the matters in your marriage are very fundamental. You too must be honest in your feelings. Whatever your fears and feelings must be discussed too. Every marriage needs an open table discussion to survive difficult bends like your marriage is having. Two wrongs will never make a right. You are having these quarrels because you respond to his moods and temper. If you decide not to respond at all to him, it will get to a point, he would either walk away or keep quiet. This means you must learn to ignore him whenever he goes into this mood. This is the staying power of a woman. You have to stoop to conquer. Refuse to be dragged into an argument with him. Once he goes off, begin to pray for help and wisdom from God. It can be difficult but overtime, you will develop the ability to win the battle. Never deny him sex or food. Also stop inviting people into your marriage. After all, both of you made the decision to spend the rest of your lives together. Keep your challenges within; this way they are always easier to manage. God is all that you need to make it work. Good luck.