Saturday, May 1, 2010

My Lover Loves My Friend

Dear Agatha, 

I’m having serious problems with my girlfriend and one of my friends who behind me approached my girlfriend for a relationship. 

I gathered he did not only just approach her but did it with tears in his eyes. 

This doesn’t hurt me as much as what some of my friends are doing to confuse her. Some of them have gone to her to say negative things about me.

In fairness to her, she told me everything that transpired between this friend of mine and her as well as what the others said about me.

I felt so bad that I asked her if she reciprocates my friend’s feelings for her. To my further hurt, she told me she loves this friend of mine than she does me. 

How do you suggest I handle this matter? 

Segzy_peter007


Dear Segzy_Peter007,

The only thing you can do about it is to give this girl the freedom to pursue the choice she has made.

There is no way you can hold her down to the relationship with you. To do that is to expose yourself to hurt and needless emotional pains. She has made the choice she thinks is best for her. Learn to respect her desires and move on with your life. What happened between you, your friends and her is a blessing in disguise if only you are willing to move away from your present hurt zone to perception precinct. This episode clearly shows you have no friend or girlfriend in these people.

If they were true friends, no matter what your faults are, these friends would have rallied round you to support your relationship with her and not go behind you to woo her or assassinate your character. True friends don’t behave like that.

Also the fact that she exhibited little faith in you as well as trust in your relationship gives emphasis to the shaky foundation you both premised the relationship on. 

If the foundations were right, no matter how real the lies are or crystal clear the evidences against you are, she would have given you her trust as well as chance to defend yourself against the allegations being levelled against you by these friends. 

Also, she would have questioned their motive of telling you things that ideally should be between friends. The truth is either you both lack the maturity and wisdom to manage a relationship or a clear idea of what a relationship entails. 

If you are wise, use this opportunity provided you by this incident to re-appraise your focus in life. To have a successful relationship, you must have an initial idea of what would work for you in particular. Relationship, though universal in nature must be patented to enable a couple tap into the blessings, peace and happiness that come with it. 

To get to that point of trust and tolerance, you must have a clear picture of your goal in life and the kind of woman that will help you achieve it. It is only when you have this at the back of your mind that you will be able to have an idea of the kind of qualities you need in any woman. With this awareness comes the knowledge of the right woman to help you achieve your dreams in life. If you do it right and are honest with it, you will discover what a woman looks like is not as important as whom she really is. It is what a person is that makes the difference in a relationship. 

You are having this problem because you lack the right kind of vision for a successful relationship.

Don’t worry when you find the right kind of woman, one who shares your interest, is willingly to endure your kind of nature and is ready to help you get nearer to your self set goals, no friend will be able to take her away from you. The friend that took away this girl studied her nature well, knew she is the kind of woman to listen to such gossips before moving in on her. 

If you are really close to God, you will grow the understanding to know that He never makes a mistake with our lives and that when things like these happen, even though painful, we should always learn to give Him all the glory and trust in His judgment. 

When the right woman comes, you will be full of gratitude to God for allowing this disappointment to happen. 

But beyond the issue of your girlfriend, lies the issue of your friends. Be warned that like a man/ woman relationship, every relationship must be subject to rules, trust and vision. Friends can make or unmake hence the need for anyone to be careful in arriving at the decision of who you want in your space or not. 

Had you paid more attention to selecting your friends, none of them would have betrayed you unless of course you have not been a good friend to them. Yes, one of them can but for all of them to gang up against you, check yourself for answers. Like I said, it is either you are choosing the wrong kind of persons as friends or you don’t know how to be a good friend yourself.

Good luck. 


I’m Under Pressure To End My 18-year-old Marriage

Dear Agatha,  

I don’t know where to turn or who to share my problem with. I am so confused, in tears and betrayed by a man I have lived with for about 18 years now. 

We have no child to show for our 18 years of marriage leaving me at the mercy of his family members. There is no name his mother and siblings haven’t called me. His mother’s pet name for me is ‘that man’. 

Because my husband had a son in his university days, everybody including me, assumed I was the one with the problem. The guilt of the several abortions coupled with an inherent fear that my womb may have been damaged in the last abortion I had, prevented me from seeking medical help. 

I decided to endure whatever treatment my husband and his family members were dishing out to be. In my husband’s quest to have more children, he went into several affairs and some of the ladies with the support of his mother and sisters, came into my home. On several occasions my things have been thrown out by either my husband or his mother.

I endured all the embarrassment; always believing someday, my God would wipe away my tears. 

At a time I actually stopped worrying about him having children outside the home.  Having eliminated my chances of giving him a child, I resigned and was praying towards one of this numerous girlfriends giving him a child. In my opinion, it would give him the desired happiness and give me some sort of peace at home. 

I don’t know what happened to his son recently since he doesn’t stay with us following allegations by my mother-in-law that since I couldn’t have children of my own, I was out to kill the only child my husband has. Following that incident, she took him away with the support of my husband. 

The only thing I know about the incident that happened to him is that my husband came back home very dejected. It was later I got to know that he was seriously ill and required blood transfusion. Strangely, my husband’s blood and the mother’s blood didn’t match the boy’s who has a very rare blood group. Eventually, the boy’s mother out of fear that her son would die, called a man who came to donate blood to the child. 

It was discovered by my husband and his family members that the donor is actually the father to the boy and that my husband cannot father a child. He has very low sperm count.

This prompted me to go for examinations. The doctor discovered nothing wrong with my womb or any of my reproductive organs. I was certified fit.

The shock of this discovery, as well as my medical results, has now made my husband sober and apologetic. 

He is afraid I might want to end the marriage and tell everybody the reason I am leaving him.

The challenge now is that his family members, who have until now been very mean to me, are now begging me not to leave him but my mother is determined I leave him to begin a life of my own. 

The pressure is getting too much for me to bear alone. When I recall all the things my husband and his family did to me all these years, I feel like ending it all but I am very confused now, especially as one of his aunties in the know is asking me to allow another man sleep with me so as to get pregnant for their son being the only boy in the family. 

Please help me because I am under intense pressure to do so many things to either save my marriage or collapse it. And I am too involved and hurt to think straight.

Desperate Wife.


Dear Desperate Wife,

Marriage is a journey of the absurd, the good, the bad and ugly. It is a potpourri of everything we go through in life. Some of us experience them early in marriage, others mid-way, while another group go through the bad side late in marriage. 

Whatever the situation, it is always very reassuring to know that God is there for us and would when it is His time, vindicate the just for the purpose of His will. 

I understand perhaps more than some women the challenges of living in a very bad marriage but don’t ever allow this situation make you forget where your allegiance is. Your loyalty is to your marriage. Don’t allow anyone but you determine what to do with it. 

Through thick and thin you both swore to remain united. Doubtless, you have every right to be bitter, resentful, unreasonable at treatment meted out on you by your husband and his family, any woman in your shoes would but remember you are today in the position to play queen in your home because God stood by you. Had that child not been sick and required blood, how would you have known you were not to blame for your childlessness? Don’t forget you also assumed you were the cause of your childlessness. If you can make that mistake with yourself, then who wouldn’t? Your mother-in-law may have taken things to extreme but in her shoes, what would you have done? It is always easy for us to assume when we are on this side to condemn those on the other side but play a different tune when we go over to the other side. Until we find ourselves in a particular position, we cannot accurately gauge our reactions. 

To better understand where your mother-in-law is coming from, try to project yourself as a mother-in-law. It will take away some of the bitterness you currently feel against her and give you the necessary peace to weigh your many options. 

At this critical time, you need to let go and give yourself some respite from the many pressures you are currently facing. 

There is nothing you can do about your past but there is a lot you can do about the future. But you and your husband don’t need the crowd of interest shadowing your marriage. 

Between you and your husband, this is a very simple issue both of you can resolve overnight. It is a matter of both of you agreeing to stay together and letting go of the many years of disappointments and animosity. 

The reason you are feeling confused and bitter is simply because all these people now begging you were involved in your humiliation.

The right thing for now is to excuse yourself from everybody and first seek the face of God. This is intended to help you forget the bitterness of the past, thank Him for standing by you through thick and thin. Thereafter, call your husband and discuss the options you have in mind with him. 

Forget about you sleeping with any other man. That is committing adultery. You both have the option of adopting children, including the boy he has all the while thought was his own as long as the father is willing to let go. As long as both of you treat any child you adopt as your own, investing love, care, attention, affection, support as well as discipline, you don’t have anything to worry about as the child will always regard you as the real parents. 

Children are like garden, pay attention to them, give them the right nutrient and you see them flourishing; neglect them, they wither like an abandoned garden. 

For the sake of posterity too, both of you should never be far from the child he thought was his because your husband remains the only father he knows.

Besides, when both of you come together to pray and rest on God in peace and harmony, there is no situation He cannot reverse. But He cannot come into a home that is enveloped in bitterness and discord. For you to change things in your home, you must learn to let go and give your husband the necessary respect to help him stand again as a man. This is important.


Good luck.