Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Greener pasture turns my son to slave in England…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I recently travelled to England to visit my son who has been in that country for 15 years. This would be my first time of seeing him after all these years, as well as the woman he married six years ago.

I really looked forward to my stay in that country and to behold the woman my son has spoken so fondly of.

You can therefore imagine my surprise and acute disappointment when I met her to discover that not only was she older than my son but also lacked any kind of respect for him.

From the very first moment of my arrival, she asked me where I would be putting up since she didn’t like the sight of me.

It took my son quality time to make her agree for me to stay. When we got to their house, she didn’t even bother to ask me what I would eat. It was my son that did that. Because I was too tired from my trip that day, I slept off immediately I ate.

The next day, I woke to discover that it was my son cleaning the house, washing the plates and cooking while she sat in front of the television. He didn’t even have enough time to chat with me as she insisted he did one thing or the other for her.

I also noticed that anytime I demanded privacy with my son, she would call him to their room.

I also noticed that she kept going out, sometimes coming back early the next morning while her husband stayed at home. Sometimes right in my presence as well as my son’s, she would be addressing other men with endearments meant for her husband. I don’t need anybody to tell me where she goes in the kind of dresses she wears or the kinds of friends that come to visit her.

It was when she was out on one of her numerous outings that I got a chance to speak with my son.

The hour I spent discussing with my son revealed something deeper than what I had witnessed. My son was jobless and depended on his wife for money. To make things worse, they were into what you modern people call open marriage.

At first, I didn’t understand this until he explained to me. Their kind of marriage permits her to keep other men and since she was the one bringing in the money, he can’t complain else she would throw him out.

A week after my arrival, she came into my room to inform me that I had only three more days to stay in that house and that if I wanted to spend more time in that country, I should look elsewhere to stay.

My son just stood there without saying anything. Since I didn’t have anywhere to go, I decided to come home.

Since coming back, I have not stopped weeping. I don’t know how to go about bringing my son back home. Before I left, I tried talking my son into leaving this woman; he flared up and called me enemy of progress. He only managed to drop me at the airport. As I write, he hasn’t bothered calling or responding to all my calls or e-mails.

Two heads they say are better than one. Agatha, how do I go about freeing my son from her grips? I suspect she is using something on my son. She comes from Togo has lived in that country all her life.

If the woman stays too long in my son’s life, he would be completely useless for life. Please help me. He is 38 years of age.

Worried Mum.


Dear Worried Mum,

I feel your anxiety as a mother but this is one issue that needs utmost care to tackle. If he has lived with her for six years and is comfortable with their arrangement, it would be presumptuous of you to think he would listen to whatever reservations you have against the arrangement.

In the first instance, he hasn’t lived or seen you for 15 years. He left you when he was 23 years of age and now he is a man of 38 years old. He cut his adult teeth in his host country, living his life and defining it to adjust to the situation he finds himself in.

From all indices, you know next to nothing about the son you are meeting after 15 years of living apart. He is no longer the young man who left you and has obviously grown in his own person. To change that kind of person, you need time and wisdom.

Even though you didn’t like what you saw, you shouldn’t have said what you said to him and his woman. Whether you like it or not, that woman you asked him to leave is his wife. Irrespective of whatever power you think she is using, as at this moment, she represents his meal ticket in that country. For him to leave her, you must provide him with a better alternative to what he has now.

Furthermore, being an adult, you cannot live his life for him. If he is comfortable tending to the house and needs of his wife, you must learn to respect his wish at least until you are able to think of what your next step should be.

As it is now, you have only succeeded in alienating him from you as well as justifying whatever reservations his wife had against your coming to stay with them.

You may not think it right but your son doesn’t seem to mind whatever his wife is doing as long as he has a place to put his head and meal on his table. Contrary to what you think, the woman may not be using any charm at all on your son. The situation your son finds himself in that country could have changed him, his view of life as well as values so much so he is ready to look the other way as long as he is happy.

Rather than assume the woman is the cause, you should have found out from your son what his views are on what you observed about his wife. The fact that he could persuade his woman to allow you stay for the number of days you stayed shows that he isn’t under any kind of spell. If he were, you wouldn’t have been allowed into that house in the first place.

Sincerely, this is the time to show your son more love than you have showed him all the years. He doesn’t need you to criticise him or his choice for now. Though you have every reason to be apprehensive as his mother, pretend for now that it isn’t such a big deal. It is the only way you can really find out what the matter is with him. The fact that this woman can still attract other men should tell you that your son needs her more than she needs him. If she can afford to sleep with other men who pay her good money, then she can easily replace your son with any of these men. For them to be together means something deeper than what you see is involved.

Get close to your son by apologising for your comments if you hope to rescue him from whatever you think may be wrong with him. There is no way you can do it by being hostile to his wife. For now, she remains your only chance of regaining the confidence of your son. From your letter, there is nothing to indicate if he finished school or not. You must have information about him to know what kind of help to offer him.

If you haven’t sent her an email or called to thank her for allowing your stay when you came over, this is the time for you to do so.

Begin by apologising for the late phone call or mail. Thank her for her hospitality to you as well as her love for your son. Build on this by constantly sending her good will messages while ignoring your son completely.

There is no way she won’t communicate your mails to your son. By making her the focus of your attention would eventually make your son speak with you.

Resist, in the first few months, questions pertaining to his life or marriage. Restrict yourself to his welfare. By that time, you would have thought of alternative plans you have for him back in Nigeria.

Without making it obvious, begin to open his eyes to all the opportunities that are available in Nigeria. Keep up this tempo until he is interested in coming home.

Follow whatever you do with prayers. God is the only one who can help you free him or give him back his senses to be whom He designed him to be.

Frankly, the situation has gone beyond you fighting with anybody. Prayers and God’s wisdom are what you need to win this battle.

Good luck.

How do I know he’s good for me in marriage?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I appreciate the way you answer questions. I want to know how to identify a good husband since someone is asking my hand in marriage. I don’t seem to like him.

But Agatha, I don’t know if am making a mistake rejecting him.

Ada.


Dear Ada,

Good wife or husband is the measure of care, responsibility, respect, selflessness, friendship, loyalty, understanding, patience, support and sensitivity put into making a relationship work.

But the most basic, the point of entry is the quality of feelings one has for the other. If this man loves you and has the idea that you would make a good wife for him and you don’t even have the slightest bit of feelings for him, there is no way both of you can be happy together.

Your feeling must be right, without it, there is no way you would have the patience and presence of mind to listen to what he has to say. Without you having the right feelings for him, you will never give him the kind of happiness, respect, and loyalty he deserves as a man.

This requirement is a must. Even if you know what you are looking for in a man, if you don’t feel anything special for him, nothing would work between the two of you.

Feelings don’t lie; the confusion comes in when we refuse to listen to the prompting of our hearts; when we want something very different from what our hearts insist on; when we fall in love with our heads rather than our hearts.

Unless you are not sure of your reasons, don’t even know what you want from life, confused about what your idea of an ideal man for you is, don’t have a change of mind because to do that would be to sentence you and this man to years of undeserved unhappiness. Best you disappoint him now than after you have exchanged vows.

A good husband is the one who puts the interest of his wife before his own, who is conscious of his responsibility to her and the children; who would never compromise the happiness of his home and who spends quality time at home irrespective of how busy his official responsibilities are.

He is the kind of man who has the maturity to overlook the tantrum of his wife especially at that time of the month when she is so irritated at everything; is able to manage her at times, able to walk away from a potentially combustible situation at home without giving in to his urge to use his fists to shut the woman up.

He is also a considerate lover, friend, cheerleader, head of the home as well as a team player who is ready to give every encouragement to his wife to grow.

He is also that kind of man who knows how to lead without the use of intimidating devices; the kind who has mastered the use of his presence, looks and silence to communicate his displeasure at certain things in the home rather than words.

Finally, he becomes one who takes pride in the presence and person of his wife no matter her conditions.

You may have to look critically at your reasons to know if you are making a mistake rejecting him or not. Is your reason based on material considerations or is natural? To be sure you are on the right path; you have to be honest with yourself. Would you still feel this way if he is absolutely rich and able to buy anything you want for you? Is your reason based on his physical appearance, his environment or for the simple reason you don’t feel anything romantic for him at all even if he happens to be the most handsome or richest man on earth?

How much does he differ from your dream man? Are you one of those young ladies who base their choice on the romance books definition of an ideal man?

In the real world such things don’t exist. Your ideal comes from a sincere assessment of what life has to offer. You miss the target of what the real world offers by sticking to unrealistic goals. By applying patience and tolerance, you come very close to what works for you. Don’t judge any man by his first appearance if truly you are interested in meeting your ideal man. Take time out, irrespective of what he looks like, to get to know any man who comes your way.

Accepting a date from a man isn’t the same thing as agreeing to his proposal. The essence of the date is simply to enable you study him at close quarters. Sometimes our ideal person may come from the person’s sense of humour, deep sense of responsibility, intelligence, sensitivity and a whole lot of other attributes not related with the person’s looks or position.

Unless we are willing to give that person a chance to be close, we may never know what we want from an ideal person. This is why many marriages are failing.

Keep your options open until you are absolutely certain of what actually makes you happy.

Good luck.

Church deceived me to marry divorcee with four kids

Marriage Clinic With Auntie Agatha; gataedo@yahoo.com;agatha.edo@gmail.com: Tel.08054500626


Dear Agatha,

I am a widower with three children. The first and second are in their second and third year in the university while the last is in boarding school in one of the unity schools in Ogun State.

Out of loneliness I decided to remarry. I confided in my church elders who all said it was a wise move.

Before telling them of my intention, I was already involved with a woman I still love very much and who my children also love. She has two children from her previous marriage. But since I wanted to please the church hierarchy, I ended the relationship and accepted to date the lady one of the elders introduced to me.

According to the church, my former girlfriend is not qualified because she is a divorcee and she isn’t a member of our church.

Although I really don’t love this second woman as much as my former girlfriend, I went ahead with the wedding plans.

Three weeks after the wedding, you can imagine my pains and shock when I discovered that she isn’t only a divorcee but also a mother of four children. Incidentally, one of the children she once introduced to me as her niece - a claim the elder who introduced her to me corroborated then – turned out to be her daughter.

When I confronted the leadership of the church with what I discovered, I was really surprised they all knew about her history. According to them, they said, they thought I knew about her children and status.

When I asked why I wasn’t allowed to marry the woman I really loved, they said it was because she wasn’t a member of our church. They said the husband of the woman they forced on me treated her badly and that since they know I am a gentleman and comfortable enough to help her with her children, they acted in the best interest of the woman, her children and me.

Agatha, it isn’t the fact that she has children or a divorcee but the conspiracy of the people I trusted the most. I have since vacated the house temporarily for her because I can’t stand her and everything she represents.

What is bothering me now is the insistence of the church that I cannot divorce her. The pastors and the elders are insisting we stay married.

Agatha, I am really in need of someone to talk to. I want my former woman back. I have made up my mind never to take this woman back but the pressures are too much for me to handle on my own.

These days, I curse the day my wife died. I am losing weight and focus. My business is suffering and my children are alarmed. I just need an understanding shoulder to lean on. Because the church is involved, not many people want to openly identify with me. It is all so crazy because it is a church my family has attended all their lives, not even my relations are willing to come out in the open with their support.

Privately, they insist I should not take her back but in the open they say something else.

Please help me.

MB.

Dear MB,

The most important thing now is for you to take a complete break from everything to avert the greater danger of you making another costly mistake.

If it is possible, go for a holiday in a secluded place where you can think and have a conversation with God. The issue has become too complex and messy for you to handle without the help of God and time. Besides, you need to get away from everyone else because of the cacophony of views that are now coming your way. If you don’t move away urgently from everyone and everything, you could risk having a psychological break down.

At this point, you must think only of the consequences that any emotional or health breakdown would have on your children. They are the only stabilising force you have now. For their sakes, you have to get this thing behind you fast because they are the ones who would suffer the most should anything happen to you.

By the time you come back from your holidays, you would be stronger emotionally to confront the situation than you would now. Currently, you are hurting, feeling betrayed by those you trusted, neglected by your family, all making you feel helpless at the death of your wife. Chances are if you dwell too long on this particular point, you might never experience joy in life and matrimony.

Unless you have the leading of God or feel something special for this woman, don’t allow anybody blackmail or intimidate you into continuing with her. The foundation of this marriage is defective and based on lies. Before God and man, you don’t have any obligations to continuing with it.

The leadership of the church has been compromised in this matter making incompetent to insist on anything concerning that marriage. As long as you were deceived into marrying her, they don’t have the right to force you to continue with the clandestine arrangement.

The choice of whether to continue with the marriage or not should come from you. As things are now, you don’t owe anyone except your children any explanations for your decision. It has gone past that stage. Stay with this woman only if you think she has all it takes to make you happy but if you don’t think so and unable to move beyond this point with her, don’t pretend about it.

At this stage in your life, having lost a wife to death, you need more than a woman to make you happy. You need one who is a friend, truthful, loyal and honest as well as a mother to your children to help you carry on. You don’t need a woman who is manipulative because it would affect the happiness of your children later down the road.

A woman who can collude with others to lie about her marital status and her children isn’t exactly one you can trust with the future of your children or your happiness for that matter.

As a widower with children, your interest in women must go beyond your own feelings as a man, it must in a way submit to the now and future needs of your children whose mother isn’t around to give protection to them.

Unlike a man who is divorced from his wife, you just cannot afford to tangle with any woman. You are the only parent your children have left.

Nobody or church can live your life. To play your role effectively in the church and to the society, you must be happy as a man. This for now should be your motivation; it is the key to your own happiness.

Once you are able to clear the cloud of your present situation, you will once again find happiness and the will to live. Just learn to put your trust more in God and not man. God remains the only one who cannot fail. Read and understand the words of God on your own. This way, you will not be deceived by strange doctrines or the interpretations of men.

If you feel like talking to me, don’t hesitate to call. God is your strength.

Good luck.




Re: My housemaid is pregnant for my hubby




Dear Timileyin,

You just used the excuse of your ‘high-flying’ job in the bank to write a modern day James .H. Chase novel. And the tragedy is that you are still adamant to write a horrific sequel to an already on-going sad ending. Whatever informed your mindset that your husband was going to wait for you forever to cook his biological and emotional food?

While you were busy romancing your so-called bank manager position, your African husband was equally kept busy in the ‘departments’ you thought were irrelevant to your present status.

You can’t eat your cake and still have it. Whether you like it or not, your housemaid is now a bona-fide wife with a 5-month pregnancy to the bargain; mind you the baby is legal and any move to abort same could lead to a Police case. Your hubby is not even ready to listen to your idea of illicit-harvesting of the baby. This is pure ‘Wahala-in-Form-Six’ because your own parents are silent on you.

Your only way out? Win your hubby back by allowing this baby to stay and begin to keep him busy sexually. Please make sure you prepare African dishes for him yourself and be there always to massage his ego positively. Also involve your Pastor to pray for your family. Follow Agatha’s advice completely, and your hubby can be yours again. You have lost the war, not the battle.

I hope all other African wives are listening; this can happen to anybody. The time to act is now!