Monday, December 7, 2009

I Find Good Girl At Last, But Far Distance



Dear Agatha,


My relationship with members of the opposite sex hasn’t been very smooth, hence my need of your help.

I have had the fortune of meeting women who end up hurting me. There was one, whom I gave my whole heart and wealth. Despite my commitment to her, she left me to marry another man.

After she left me, I went into another relationship only for her to be putting unnecessary pressures on me. She kept asking when I would come and see her people to start marriage process proper. I told her it would take a while due to the situation of things. She got angry and left me. That was how that relationship ended. We were sleeping together without any form of protection due to the confidence we have in each other.

Recently, I fell in love with a girl who loves me as much as I do her, but the challenge we are facing has to do with our locations. She stays in Aba while I work in Lagos. She is complaining about the distance and the loneliness, but there is no way I can leave my job to be with her.

The question now is what do I do?

Samuel.


Dear Samuel,

It is natural for her to complain, but then she must be made to understand this early to value the essence of you working as well as your lack of control over where your employer posts you.

Often than not, it has to do with the issue of trust. Being away from each other, you both risk the danger of capitulating to other relationships, especially you as a man. This is her fear. Every woman wants to be near her man both for company and to ensure security of her position. Underneath her complains are fears of someone else taking her position in your life.

She needs assurances that your love for her is solid and would not be replaced by another woman. Explaining to her what makes her unique would go a long way in assuring her of the truthfulness of your words as well as the depth of your feelings for her. In addition, always make out time every day to talk to her. Both of you may be separated by distance, but talking on the phone regularly guarantees the excitement of the relationship. Even if both of you are together and fail to explore the art of effective communication, the relationship will still suffer. One of the advantages of distant communication is that it teaches the couple to talk openly about almost anything and everything. This is one thing both of you can grow to your advantage. Whether you are both together or not, being able to communicate dispels a lot of suspicions as well as gloom that comes from two people who love each other passionately staying apart.

Also encourage her to come for visits when she feels like. Don’t attempt to restrict her desire t o see you whenever she feels like. Giving her a date to come and when not to come could create suspicions in her heart. At all times, she must be able to come and go when she feels like. This will give her a measure of security that there is no one else in your life, and as well enable her to give you her trust to function in peace.

You have to give her enough room to trust you by going out of your way to be transparent to her even, though she lives far from you. If she knows she can call you at anytime of the day and you would pick the phone, even during official hours to at least explain to her why you can attend to her immediately as well as anytime of the night, she will have the confidence to give you her trust as well as the patience to make the relationship work.

On your part too, you must also take time out to visit her unannounced, because you also need the assurances that you can also trust her to remain above board.

Relationship is about mutual trust and confidence to move ahead.

Let her know ahead of days you would be very busy just in case you are unable to attend to her calls the way you should. Giving her a rough idea of what your daily schedule would look like will keep her informed about your movements, temperament, attitude, availability as well as unavailability at any particular time.

You could work your annual leave to conform with her holiday period if a student or with hers if she is a worker.

Furthermore, you both must have an idea of how you would progress and this must include a possible date of when you both plan to be together in the same place. This is important if the relationship is to progress beyond this stage. There is no way you can keep your living apart indefinite if you intend taking this relationship further than this. There must be an expiry date to this arrangement, because while true loyalty stabilises a relationship, the heart is the bridge that binds it. If the heart grows suspicious it becomes difficult to curtail.

Always ask for the grace of God to do what is right.

Good luck.