Saturday, April 25, 2009

I Can’t Forgive My Husband


Dear Agatha,


January, last year, I caught my husband in bed with my supposed best friend. For me, it just wasn’t the fact that he was unfaithful to me but that he did it with my best friend. The humiliation was more than I could tolerate.

I felt so bad too because our marriage of three years was yet to produce the fruit of the womb. And this is a friend he never approved of from the beginning. Although I knew his people were already putting pressure on him, I naively thought our love was strong enough to withstand the pressure.

He was and is still my only love. We met when we were in secondary school. He was in his SSS 3 when I came in as a JSS 2 student. For both of us it was love at first sight and from that early beginning we knew we would end up as man and wife. Different girls had come and gone in his life but none of them could threaten my position in his life. Our love was that strong.

He deflowered me on his graduation day. I got pregnant from that incident and we agreed to terminate it. Since then we took precautions to prevent pregnancy.

Even though we were having difficulties getting a baby after marriage, I thought he would stand by me.

After that incident, I packed out of his life and house. I didn’t bother to go to my parents’ or any of our friends. I instead went to my childhood’s friend place in Abuja. I changed my phone number after calling my parents to appease their anxieties over me and to prevent them arresting my husband over my sudden disappearance. I refused to tell them anything. I was determined not to have anything to do with anybody until I was strong enough to withstand the shame of my best friend taking over my home.

Incidentally, I discovered that I was with child. It was more than enough compensation for me.

It turned out that the pregnancy housed a set of twin boys. My friend was very wonderful all through, giving me both moral and financial support. Knowing how stubborn I could be, she refrained from trying to persuade me to call my husband or family members.

My twins are now over a year and though I had escaped my past but that is not to be as my husband, his family and my parents came knocking last month begging me to come back home.

I didn’t need a soothsayer to know that my husband must have gone through a lot of emotional pain. It was very evident from his haggard appearance. It was also obvious none of them knew about the babies from the surprised looks on their faces when they saw the children. The twins, who never allow anybody except my friend and I come near them, not only allowed their sobbing father get close to them but even cried after him when he was leaving.

I still love him but I cannot forgive what he did. According to him, he didn’t know what came over him and swore on his life that he had never been unfaithful to me since our marriage until that day when my friend came in some few minutes after he came in.

I am so confused and don’t know what to do. Something tells me he is telling the truth because before the incident, my friend had gotten herself involved with some strange friends, whose ways I warned her against. I am so confused about everything. I don’t know if I should go back to him or continue to stay on my own because I don’t want to get hurt again.

Please, tell me what to do; I promise to do precisely what you tell me.

Felicia.


Dear Felicia,

Go back to him. What more do you want? God has vindicated you before his family through those twins. Besides, they must have found you worthy enough to agree to come with their son to beg you without even knowing about the twins.

I am sure the incident was meant to teach everyone involved some fundamental lessons. Had you listened to your husband’s objection over this friend, none of this would have happened. Friendship must be symbiotic to be beneficial to those involved. He must have observed many things about her you didn’t notice on account of being too close to the scene.

Sometimes it pays to listen to the voice of caution of others around us on issue we are very involved in. This is why we have partners. As your partner he is supposed to be on the look out for your interest, protect you against yourself and help you see things differently. I know the tendency is for us to get uppity when our partners find fault with our friends or family. From your experience, you now know that some people we call friends are really nothing but devil’s advocates. So, be careful whom you bring into your home as a friend from now on.

Believe me, there is no marriage or situation in life that is problem-free. As a matter of fact, problems are meant to help refine and distill us into better human beings. If you run away from marriage on account of this challenge, what happens when your boys grow into being teenagers and unintentionally make your life a mini-hell during this difficult stage of parenting? Would you also quit motherhood? Give up on them and allow them go wild all because you are too afraid to try?

Fear is one of life’s most destructive and limiting weapons. It is a weapon the devil uses to stop people from being happy, fulfilled and joyous in the presence of God. Your marriage and husband are your destinies. It would have been a different kettle of fish if he hadn’t taken the steps of coming to beg for your forgiveness. He has come to ask you to forgive him.

There is no denying the fact that his act humiliated you, caused you endless pains and embarrassment but he has promised to change. To find you must have caused him a lot of time and resilience. Remember you didn’t make it easy for anybody to find you. It couldn’t have been easy for him at all. He failed, realised it and has gone all out to atone for it. Give him a chance to make up for all the pains he has caused you.

We all come with DNA wired deficiencies. No one is perfect. Although you are the one who has been hurt, it doesn’t make you the most perfect in this relationship. There are certain things you must have also done in the past that may also have caused him pain but which he overlooked for the sake of love and your over all happiness.

Marriage is a continuous process of fine-tuning, of re-investment, of sacrifices and being stupidly patient. It is also a process of indulgence and unconditional forgiveness. If you fail to forgive him now, chances are your children too would find it extremely difficult to forgive you for not giving their father a second chance in your life and in their lives.

It is no longer just about you or what you want. Your children not only have a say but a major stake in this. You must also consider what is best for them. From their response, they want their father, crave for him and desire to be with him also.

Going back would give these children the chance to be with their father and you some peace. There is nothing like having the support and love of one’s partner in the process of raising children.

He has fallen flat on his face, your duty as his wife, is to set aside your own pain and help him get up again. Also, don’t give your friend the chance to continuously gloat at her ability to destroy your home.

It isn’t so difficult once you put your mind to it. There is no running away from the responsibilities and sacrifices that go with your marital vows. This is the time he needs you to be a man again; don’t deny him because a time would come down the road when situation like this won’t have much meaning. There is no perfect marriage, couple or relationship but only flawless and unconditional act of forgiveness.

God will help you get there.

Good luck.