Between my education and family; what do I do?

Dear Agatha, I am 30 years of age. My father died in the year I was born. His only legacy to me is an old diary where he inscribed his desire for me to be a graduate. I left secondary school in 2001. Severally I have tried to gain admission into the university but have kept failing in my bid. At a point, I had to leave home to enroll in the Nigerian Police Force. While there, I noticed it wasn’t in line with my dream so I left and started to look for ways to satisfy my father’s dream for me. I have written JAMB for times and even wrote the one 2013. I scored 202 for economics or accounting. The reason I am writing you is that I am married with three children. I don’t know if I should relocate them to my village to enable me fulfill my father’s dream for me or not. What should I do? Freeman. Dear Freeman, There is nothing wrong with having a burning ambition especially one that has to do with education and one’s quest for economic empowerment. Ordinarily, your determination to get a premium education is commendable. But the draw back here is, your blinded quest to get an education to the exclusion of every other person, including the welfare of your children. In addition, this dream is more of your father’s than yours. Are you sure you have what it takes to execute the dream of a dead man? Apart from the dream of your late father, what is your dream? Do you have any of your own? What do you want for yourself as well as for your children? If at 30 you are still pursuing the vision of your late father, when will you have the time to have positive dreams of your own as well as plan the future of your children? There is no you, without those children. Therefore, you must factor in their future and well being into your father’s dream for you. I am sure your late father didn’t plan for you to mortgage the future of your own children in-order to satisfy his dreams for you. Like every good father, he left you with a work plan for your future; one intended to ginger you into success. At 30, with three children, what kind of plans are you putting in place for them? I am sure if your father didn’t call you a graduate, the kind of desires you have to become one, would never have been born in you. So taking those children to the village while you redeem your father’s dream is intended to achieve what? What plans do you have for them in the village? If the village was very good, why did you come to the city to realize your dream? Unfortunately for you, being married means you cannot take such a fundamental decision without first discussing it with your immediate family as well as making provisions for their welfare while you achieve your own excessive desire to become a graduate. To succeed, you need the support and understanding of your wife. Don’t forget you are no longer a bachelor. You have dependants whose lives are interwoven into your decisions. It would be so unfair to package and send them to the village without first discussing the consequences of your decisions on their future. You cannot afford to behave as if you have no responsibilities or obligations to these people. Like you, they too have needs, dreams and feelings. The issue here is not just sending them to the village. Who are they going to meet there and what would be their main means of survival? What plans do you have for the education of the children? Don’t forget that children begin school from an early age these days. What kind of life exists in your village to make the children as comfortable as they are here? In another four years, what would be the outlook of your children? How would life in the village life have affected their psychologies? Marriage is about discussions and joint decisions on important issues as the one you are about to make. Your wife will be the one who has to live with the situation and cope with having to care for three children in your absence. She is the one who has to combine your roles with hers. If you want this marriage to work, don’t exclude her at all. Sit her down and ask for her opinion on this matter. It is important you get her express support before moving ahead with your decision to gain a university education on full time basis. You may not realize it now, your wife is the key to the success of this dream. If she is against it, you can be sure, you may not return to a complete family. Therefore, you must have her full support else you risk losing her and the respect of your children. Only an irresponsible father abandons his children without proper plans. No matter how strong your desire to have better education is, the welfare of your children overrides every other consideration, including your current effort at JAMB. You don’t invite children into the world without making sacrifices for them. Therefore, this isn’t your decision to make. It is the resolution of your children to make. It is their right to have their father’s attention and presence. Because the children are still tender, you may have to consider your options especially as you are considering a full time course. If you don’t have enough funds to provide for them during those years you would be in school, it may not be so easy on your wife. You must think of something for her to do to supplement whatever you are able to bring while in school. Your ambition should not eclipse your vision to the attendant challenges ahead. You could still have an education without sacrificing the future of your family, especially those innocent children whose lives are anchored on whatever you make of yours. Married men, who go back to school, don’t opt for full time unless they have more than enough to care for their families. From your story, you are a struggling man. Part time programmes are for people like you; who have responsibilities, have to work while they struggle to have an education. Had you considered that, you would have since finished instead of wasting precious time on writing entrance examinations. Granted it may be a little prohibitive in terms of cost, but it will give you time to be with your family, look for a means of livelihood and protect your home from emotional starvation. Although you didn’t say what your wife is into but your decision to send them to the village means she isn’t engaged in anything worthwhile. This means you must also consider arming her with a kind of trade to make things easy on you. Don’t forget that going to school isn’t only about paying tuition fees; you must also pay for handouts, registration and other expenses associated with being in school. No matter how hardworking you are, you need extra help from your wife to float because children don’t understand the word, lack. You cannot put their lives on hold to satisfy yours. Life is about planning. Even though you have always wanted to go back to school, you never planned how your life and those of your family would run while this dream is on. Blinded ambition can be very destructive. Every plan must have a reality socket to make it succeed. Any plan that doesn’t put your children on the front burner will not end well because they are the reason for your struggles in life. Your answer will become very clear only after you have taken all these issues into consideration. Good luck.

She is very careless

Dear Agatha, Måay God bless you. Please treat my problem as very urgent, as your advice would go a long way in helping me make the right choice. I met this girl online in February. Within a month of our relationship, we met and spent some time together, including having sex in the State where she is serving. To be honest, we love each other. But after the visit, she started complaining that I was not being matured in the way I was acting. She went on to accuse me of being domineering. Sometime later, she started flirting with different men but she never had sex. She also told me not to trust her much because she shouldn’t be trusted. But there was this particular guy she told me has been persistent in asking her out. Under interrogation, she told me she has kissed him and a week ago, confessed cheating on me with the man. She did that without protection and even permitted the man to ejaculate inside her. She confessed all this amid tears. She’s been begging me to forgive her, which I did instantly. But whenever I remember the fact that she cheated on me without protection, I become livid and willing to do anything to revenge just to be even. Now, I’d be travelling out of the country for about two years, but she has promised never to be anything more than to be a platonic friend to a man. She said she would do anything to make me happy, even if the news of my imminent travel leads her to cheat on me. Please, what do you think? Confused boyfriend. Dear Confused Boyfriend, I don’t want to sound discouraging or judgmental but be careful you don’t end up hurting yourself because you are already building castles in the air with someone you hardly know at all. There are so many gaps already in this relationship which you must be bold enough to address as a man. First is the issue of what you understand by love as well as your perception of a good relationship. You cannot achieve much in any relationship if you don’t first define these two things. Granted people fall in love at first sight but for that love to endure, it comes with plenty of understanding as well as responsibilities. There is really nothing on ground between the two of you to make this girl faithful to you. So far, she doesn’t have any reason to because over the years, she has cultivated a kind of lifestyle that has been working for her. If you both met through the internet and within a month of that you are having sex, what makes you think she can behave differently with another man? Just like you both met through the internet, she can meet another man through the same channel and decide to have sex with him like you both did. She is a free bird, who is ready to tweet with any man she finds interesting. To invest too much emotions on a woman whose background you don’t know, whose kind of lifestyle you aren’t bothering to investigate, is to offer your heart for emotional pains. There is more to relationship than having sex. Certain things must be on ground to make sex between a couple wonderful. Whatever you both have been having, is pure physical exercise which lacks the bond, trust or demand for faithfulness you are trying to make her give you. Sincerely, there is nothing between the two of you to warrant the kind of things you are expecting from her. What more, she has been bold enough to tell you the truth. She isn’t the kind of girl you should invest too much emotion on. If she can have sex with you within days of your knowing her, what gives you the impression that she is doing so for the first time or that you would be the only man in her life from that point? In addition, beyond having sex, what did you offer her? What kinds of plans did you go with when you went to visit her? Beyond expecting good sex from her, did you bother to find out anything about her or why she would be sleeping with a man she hardly knows on their first meeting? Be truthful here, would you have considered her worth your while, if she had refused you sex? Did you try to prevent her from sleeping with you with the argument that it was too early and that you wanted to get to know her first? What structures have you put in place between the two of you to make her become a celibate when you travel? If you didn’t go with the mind of having her for keeps, why should you be hurt about her what she does with her body? Doubtless, she is still on a jolly ride of exploration of all the thrills she can get from different men. You will be embarking on an impossible mission trying to curtail someone who isn’t ready to be caged. Really, expecting her to be faithful to you would be asking for too much because she has no reasons to be. The impersonality of the internet coupled with her attitude to sex means she is a free bird. If within four months of meeting her, she has had sex with you and another man she confessed to having unprotected sex with; doesn’t that tell you anything about her nature and beliefs? Trust in a relationship doesn’t begin after marriage; it begins to take root from the very first moments you both agreed to become an item. If you want this lady to change, you also have to change. You cannot go about having sex with women on your first date and expect the woman you had sex with to become a saint overnight. Relationship is a dual way thing. Both of you must agree to abandon whatever baggage you have acquired over the years for the purpose of making what you are trying to grow, work. This is where sincerity of purpose comes in. You want her to be faithful to you despite what you know about her. But are you too ready to be faithful to her, giving her every assurance that you will always be there for her and that she doesn’t have to look the way of any other man because with you, she has found a place of rest? Have you made the sacrifice of drawing her out to talk about her person, family and dreams? There is no relationship without this kind of effort at getting to meet the person inside of her. The image of the girl you know isn’t her real self. You must make the effort of getting to know the person her experiences, decisions, friends and society have made her masked inside her body. That is the person you must find by having an honest conversation with her. You must know the point, she decided in life to be who she is currently. There is no decent girl that goes about having sex with strange men and without protection too on first date. This angle should worry you because it shows recklessness as well as total lack of appreciation for her health as well as other men she would be having sex with. A woman who has plans for herself in life doesn’t take such profound risks. So your first responsibility towards her is to sit her down for a lecture on why she should never attempt such risks, especially in these days and age. Let her know sleeping with a strange man without protection could ruin her life completely as well as the lives of any other man she is having sex with. The fact alone that she didn’t consider she could become pregnant alone is a worry you should not ignore. There is something more than sex involved here. If you really want her for keeps, don’t sweep these issues under the carpet else they will come back to hunt you in particular, in future. For a woman you appear to be having plans for, it is in your interest to know how many abortions she has done and in the kinds of hospitals she did them. This is to prevent a situation where you would be running blindly from pillar to post in future searching for a baby whereas, the cause of her problem is what she did with her womb when she was young. First make up your mind what you want from her before sitting her down for a talk and the options you have come up with. Any promise or demand you make outside this would end up being a nullity because it won’t come from her mind. She has to make up her mind to quit her current lifestyle before any good seed can be planted in her life. Good luck

She wants me to fight her ex’s woman

Dear Agatha, I am writing this on behalf of my friend who left her husband and children to pursue a relationship she was having at that time. We all knew they had been having issues in their marriage until she left. In fairness to the husband, he didn’t send her away; she left of her own free will and even went to court to get a divorce from him. As one of her close friends, I knew the men she was involved with. But when it became a messy court case, I had to stay away to avoid being implicated by her very angry husband in the whole court process. Besides, my husband warned me against taking sides with her since he never really liked her attitude and person. Since then, she has kept her distance from me; having accused me of not being a good friend to her when she needed me. But about last year, she came back suddenly and expressed a desire for us to become friends again. I really didn’t know why but I got to know when I heard that her husband after several years of being alone has finally found happiness in the arms of another woman. She wants me to accompany her, not to beg her ex husband but to beat up the new woman in the life of the man. I have told her to move on with her life since she was the one who ended the marriage but she is as usual adamant and wants us like we used to do when we were in secondary school to go and fight this woman. Another thing is that her mother is the one encouraging her in her behavior. There is no well meaning advice that her mother doesn’t puncture. If she didn’t have the backing of her mother, she would never have packed out of her matrimonial home or sued for divorce. Like I told you earlier, my husband doesn’t want her near me but she is determined to stick to me like glue. Her mother even called to accuse me of abandoning my friend in her time of need. I don’t know what she wants me to do. The husband doesn’t even talk to me because he knows I knew about her infidelity and supported it. I feel guilty about my role in the whole matter. I have asked God for forgiveness and really looking for a way to go and apologise to the man. To accept go and fight the woman in his life would be ending whatever hope I have to make amends with that man whose only offence was loving and marrying my friend. Please help me make a quick decision so as not to lose my own home too. Worried Friend. Dear Worried Friend, From where I stand, there is really nothing to worry about in this whole thing. It is a simple matter of refusing to dance to the tune your friend is playing. You are after all an adult who is very capable of making her own decisions. Why should you be bothered about an issue she cannot force you to do? The truth is, the decision and authority to get involved are yours to make. She cannot make the decision for you or force you into going to fight a woman that hasn’t offended you. It would be foolishness on your part to engage in such an act given the fact that your friend is no longer married to this man and has a matte of fact gone to court to terminate the marriage. so on what premise would you be joining her to fight this woman? What offence did this woman commit? Was she the one that forced your friend to vacate her home? There is no way the man can remain single for the rest of his life. He has a right to find the kind of happiness and peace he never got from your friend in the arms of another woman. If this man were the one who drove her away, perhaps, she would have had a good reason for contemplating her action but since she left of her own volition, she lacks the merit to fight this woman. As for her mother calls and accusation, explain to the mother that you accepting to be part of her daughter’s plans would affect your home as your husband would not take kindly to you rubbishing his name by engaging in a public fight. That as a mother too, you owe your children the responsibility of being a good role model which makes it impossible for you to even contemplate what she and her daughter are asking you to do. Finally, remind your friend’s mother that you have no right to interfere in this matter as it doesn’t concern you in anyway. In the first place, what would you tell the Police, is your interest in beating up another man’s wife should the matter degenerate to calling in the Police? How would you explain to your husband that you left your house to fight another woman in the house of her man? Tell the Police you were acting on the pressure of your friend? Is that the story or image you want your children to have of you? If the law can excuse your friend’s involvement in the fight, given the fact that the man in question is her ex, you cannot escape prosecution should this woman press for charges. Good wisdom demands that you allow her carry her burden alone. You cannot claim to have a perfect marriage but you decided to stay nevertheless. If her marriage was important to her, she wouldn’t have packed out leaving her children at the mercy of the man or any woman he would bring to share his life. This is what happens when a woman thinks she can eat and have her cake. To stop them from bothering you, be bold enough to tell your friend the truth as you see it. Let her know that if she continues to dance to whatever her mother says, she will never have the presence of mind to live her life. Since the man has moved on, tell her to do the same. I am sure if those men didn’t disappoint her, she wouldn’t have bothered about the woman in her husband’s life. One would have thought she would be more concerned about the welfare of her children and looking for someone to help beg her ex to give her access to see her children. A woman who left her children with a man should be bothered and find ways of getting people to beg the ex to forgive her so that she can be reconciled with her children, and not to complicate things for herself. You could stop taking her calls or that of her mother’s for that matter. And when she comes to your house, tell her, if she is refusing to be reasonable that your husband doesn’t want to see you and her together again. It is a situation of you standing by who and what is important to you. It is either you stand by your husband and home or your friend in this matter. There are no two ways about it. Good luck.

My younger lover dumped me with pregnancy

Dear Agatha, I am 40, divorced and with two children. Since my separation from my husband three years ago, I have been without a stable relationship. I have sex when I want to, but in the last couple of months, I have fallen hopelessly in love with a 26-year-old man who works in my department. Since setting my eyes on him, I have been unable to concentrate on anything. I dream of him night and day as well as get very resentful of any female that comes close to him. This has made a female colleague to incur my wrath twice. Even when I know I should caution him for some very obvious mistakes he makes during the discharge of his duties, I simply gloss over it. Early in the year, the feelings got very unbearable for me, so I invited him to my house. Good food, wine and good music must have influenced his boldness not to question my offer. That night, he slept at my house. The following day, he was sober enough to apologise, but I brushed aside his apologies, assuring him it was okay and confessing my love for him. Although he told me about his girlfriend as well as his desires to marry her, I silently refused to listen. I wanted all the fairy tales; I have found love in him. I noticed that he was trying as much as possible to avoid me, refusing to look me straight in the eyes as well as trying to avoid any personal thing with me. I was very angry at this; that I threatened to get tough with him if he keeps ignoring me. The fear of losing his job made him bow to pressures from me, but from his attitude, it was like raping him. At the point, I got tired of forcing him to sleep with me. It was then I found out quite unexpectedly that I am almost four months pregnant. It was actually the prophetic warning of my pastor that alerted me to my state. According to my pastor, attempts to abort the pregnancy will result in my death. I was not planning on getting pregnant because I thought I was secured by the injections I was taking to prevent a pregnancy. Despite my feelings, I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant at all. My last child was already 13, so why would I want a baby to disrupt my life? Aborting this child would have been the best option for all concerned, but I don’t want to die. My children will suffer if anything happens to me, since I am all they have right now. The reason I am writing is to ask for your advice. when I informed him about the pregnancy, he told me to my face that I should get rid of it, that there was no way he would accept responsibility for the child, that he plans to get married to his girlfriend later this year, hence he wouldn’t want anybody to know that he has been sleeping with a woman almost his mother’s age. He threatened to deny paternity of the child if I attempt to keep it. How do I explain to my 15-year-old daughter that I am pregnant for a man 14 years my junior who isn’t ready to accept the pregnancy? How do I explain to my 13-year-old son? What do I tell the child in future about the father, especially since he resigned last week and left no forwarding address. What more! There is an older man in my life who is now very interested in officially marrying me as his second wife. I don’t know what to do at all. My best friend insists I should terminate it. But I am scared. In addition to being almost four months, I have been warned against it. Please tell me how to progress from this point. Though I still have strong feelings for him, I am beginning to hate him for his attitude towards me and his unborn baby. In retrospect, I can’t even explain the nature of my feelings or what brought them on. I really feel so foolish now. What should I do, Agatha? Maria. Dear Maria, First things first. Settle the issue of your unborn baby. Make up your mind that irrespective of whatever the father says or feels, this child is a gift from God; given to you in His wisdom to care for. God doesn’t make mistakes like we humans. The circumstances may not be palatable for you now, but once the child is born, a lot of things will change for good. The mistake of your adventure has been made. It would be an exercise in futility to dwell on whatever motivated your feelings for him. Certain things in life simply defy logic. Accept what happened to you as ‘one of those things’. Destiny cannot be altered. To attempt explaining it would only make you feel worse than you already are. Therefore, for the sake of your unborn child, give up these feelings and concentrate on making yourself strong for you and your children. From your own admission, you are all they have. People will always talk, if that is what you are afraid of. Whether wrong or right, the fact that you are unmarried and pregnant is enough topic of discussion on its own. Besides, by virtue of your being divorced has already made you a constant subject for gossips. Whether you like it or not, nothing you do or say will escape gossip. So, forget whatever anybody would say about your state. At 40, you don’t owe anybody any explanation for whatever actions you take. As for your children, they will understand when the time is ripe. Your daughter will one day grow up and fall in love. Then she will understand the sometimes craziness and passion of love. Don’t blame yourself for what you felt for this young man. Yes, it was controversial given you are older by 14 years, but love is one of the most irrational kind of emotions in life. An older man could easily have done the same thing under the circumstances. Like I said earlier, that unborn child is your concern and responsibility. If you are separated ‘successfully’ from the man you married, there is no man you cannot be estranged from. From your account, your children appear to be your only permanent source of comfort and companionship. Very soon, your first set of children will be out of the house to begin their own lives; you will be left with this one. God has positioned this baby to be your companion in your lonely years. With this baby in your life, you won’t have any dull moment or feel dejected because the children are away in boarding schools. Therefore, see this pregnancy as a wonderful plan of God for tomorrow. In addition, the presence of this child will stop you from making another mistake women in their middle age make when alone. This is why you must not listen to your friend at all. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Wisdom demands you listen to the servant of God you didn’t consult but who came up with a message for you. If you knew you were pregnant, had gone to him for help, then you can doubt the authenticity of his prophecy. That he gave it to you without you even knowing your state is evidence of the desires of God for your life. Ignore whatever your lover said about this child. Forget him as a matter of fact. One day, when the time comes, that time in the future we always feel the itch to make up with our past, he would come to ask for his child, but till then, tell the child, once old enough to understand the ways of the adult world, the truth. A lot of the child’s reaction would come from the quality of your love, care and time to him or her. If the child is secured in your love, the attitude and reactions of the father won’t matter so much. And as long as you don’t try to embellish the story to present the father as a monster, sticking instead to the naked truth of your love, decision and the issue of his or her coming to being, you will emerge the victor at the end of it all. Children are not stupid or irrational. How they turn out in life comes from the values implanted into them by their closest parent: the mother. If you are fair and truthful, none of your children will condemn you for being human and a woman. No matter how tough or old we are, we will always need love and affection. Although your gamble didn’t go down well, be brave and learn to accept that which you cannot change. Good luck!

They love and drop me

Dear Agatha, I am a 20 year old girl. My life is full of pains. The first guy I dated for five years left me because while we were dating, I also dated other guys. When he was leaving me, he cited my past as a reason for his inability to go further with me. After he left, I dated another guy who left me without any ceremony. He actually left me the day I went for my JAMB results. Fortunately, I met another guy almost immediately. From the beginning, he warned me never to lie to him as it would mark the end of our relationship if he gets to find out. I ignored this warning and kept lying to him but, one day, I sat myself down and made up my mind to stop lying to him; unfortunately, this decision came too late. After a while, he didn’t believe anything I told him, even the bit about my decision to be honest with him. One day, I called him to find out about his well-being. He told me he couldn’t eat so I decided to pay him a visit only for me to find another girl in his house. I don’t know why men are always breaking up with me. Please help me; I need a man that will love and care for me. Sandra Dear Sandra, You don’t know why men are always breaking up with you? In any of these men’s shoes, will you be serious with a woman who has your reputation with men? A woman who cannot be trusted where men are concerned? What man would want to keep you in his life if all you do is trade your body among different men? Every man likes a woman he can trust for keeps. When it comes to pleasure hunt, they will come to you because they know you are a free game but when it comes to being serious, they will look for a woman who is more reserved. If at your age of 20, you are already engaged in the game of duplicity and multiple dating, I shudder to think what you will do when you are older and more desperate to settle down. Going by your given age, you started dating at the tender age of 15 when you should be more serious with your education. Had you been more serious with your life and educational pursuit, you shouldn’t be struggling to gain admission into the university by now. You should either be in the university or almost graduating. This is enough to tell you to get more serious with your life because men at your age are a huge distraction. As a woman, you will soon begin to experience depreciation if you don’t apply the breaks urgently in the kind of lifestyle you have expressed interest in. The fact of life is, men and woman will never get tired of each other. We would always be part of each other’s lives. When you get to that age, nobody will caution or tell you what to do with your body. If you really want to make the difference in your life, it isn’t another man you should be looking for. Rather, you should be thinking of ways of salvaging your ragged reputation by looking for ways of improving on yourself academically as well as socially. From the reactions of the different men to you, it should warn you that you are beginning to acquire a reputation that isn’t too good for a promising young lady. If you are not careful, by the time you really want to settle down to the business of looking for a life-partner, you may not be able to handle the backlash of your current life style. Only very few men would stick their necks out to marry a woman who has acquired a very downbeat reputation. The last thing you need now is a mistake which could come in the form of a stubborn pregnancy, Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) or any of the less but more harmful diseases that can be acquired through unprotected sex. There is also the more complex one of managing a damaged womb or secondary case of infertility. The woman’s life and physiology is complex; too complicated too be left to chance. As a young lady desirous of a very bright and secured future, learn to be more discriminatory so you can have a reputation worth a good man’s attention and determination. Therefore for the time being, forget about anything that has to do with men to enable you concentrate on making your papers and going to any tertiary institution of your choice. Once you gain admission and stabilize, you are free to date as long as the purpose of your going to school isn’t lost to you. Good luck.

He piles her with gifts to make me jealous

Dear Agatha, In my school, there is this particular boy I always played with to the extent my classmates started calling me by his name. I didn’t have any interest in him until now. Although he told me once he loved and liked me, but, he had also asked a girl in my class for friendship after he told me that. This made me to reject his gifts and to advise him to be careful on how he spends money on girls. He now spends a lot on this girl in my class. Recently, he gave her a gold necklace. He went on to accuse me of not allowing him or any other boy touch me. What should I do? Judith. Dear Judith, Forget about him. What he is doing is to make you jealous and submit to his advances out of a desire to keep him. Don’t allow him blackmail you to submission. The quality of a properly brought up woman is her self preservation. You have to be resolute in your determination to project that which is important to your life. Any man or boy who accuses you of not allowing you or any man touch you isn’t a friend of yours. Any sensible girl should keep a safe distance from such a man. Don’t under any circumstances exchange your body for gifts from any man. His statement that you are not allowing him touch or any boy get close to you should sound an alarm bell to you that he is only trying to make you submit your body to him. Without any ambiguity that statement should tell you the kinds of thoughts he has towards you. When a man loves a woman, touching or seeing her body would be the last thing on his mind. A man that means well for you will help you grow especially at this tender age of your development. Since your aim of being in school is to get an education, ignore this boy or his friends and concentrate on getting valuable education. Don’t forget that your parents are making extreme sacrifices by sending you to school and would be very disappointed if you end up wasting all their efforts through wrongly motivated decisions. This should interest you more than any feelings or considerations you may have for this boy whose source of income you don’t even know. Isn’t it obvious that his source of funds is questionable given the fact that he is also a student like you? Be careful you don’t end up with the wrong kind of company in your bid to be relevant to anybody or group of persons in your school. Nobody is worth you giving up your future for. The reason you are in school isn’t to become popular but to get an education and become useful to the society. There is plenty of time for you to be liked and retain the attention of that special man. Always remember life comes in different seasons. Your current season is to plan and plant for that all important future. Therefore follow the natural progress of every season, to be happy in life. Good luck.

How do I manage my time?

Dear Agatha, You have been a help to many people. I believe you can help me. I ride Okada after I close from work every day. If I try to read, I find myself sleeping. I can’t even read up to one hour but I really want to further my education and enhance my career. What do I do? Peace Maker. Dear Peace Maker, Learn to manage your time very well. There is no way you will be alert to read in the night after the rigors of going through Okada business after close of your normal work schedule. Reading is itself hectic. Without proper concentration, you cannot make any headway out of it. This is why you must create time out of no time to ensure you achieve your desire to contribute your quota to the society through sound education. Since it is obvious that you need money to achieve your dream of being educated, you must find way around the challenge of doing additional job. It is either you find another job that will give you sufficient time to read in the night or dedicate certain days of the week for reading. This means you don’t have to do your commercial bicycle business all the days of the week. The reason you are always tired is because you don’t give yourself time between the two jobs you do to rest. Once you get back from work on the days you have set aside to study, rest for a while to enable you wake up in the night to read. You must also appreciate the essence of reading for comprehension. To excel you must have a good grasp of the subject you are studying. This means you are not just reading to pass but also to be knowledgeable on what you are studying for. As in everything in life, determination is what you need to make the difference. The journey of life is never smooth. It comes with very rough turns. When you come across such difficult turns, never give up just hold on to your dreams. It is important. Good luck.

After fondling me, he ignores my calls

Dear Agatha, I am 15 years old. Because of what my brother did, I promised never to get involved with any man. But I suddenly found myself liking a boy of 19 who coaxed me into being his girlfriend. I was head over heels in love with him. I allowed him to break all my rules. I allowed him to give me my first kiss and during the process, gave him permission to touch my breasts. I was scared but he talked me into it. He was a wonderful boyfriend and great listener. All of a sudden, he stopped calling me. Being a stubborn girl, I refused to call him first. It continued for a while. Eventually, I decided to call him but he wouldn’t pick. My sister knew about him and she is now mocking me. I feel so bad and don’t know what to do. I cannot tell our adopted mother because she would kill me. I feel so lost and cannot tell anyone. I am lucky it didn’t affect my SSCE. My dad is so proud of me because I will finish my education early. But this experience has left a big scar deep inside of me. Please help me. A. Dear A, Beyond the issue of your pride as a promising young girl who prided herself on self discipline, thank God nothing fundamental happened between the two of you. This experience should teach you not to trust any man or allow yourself to be in the company of a man until you are ready for the responsibilities that go with being intimate with a man. At your age, you are like a defenseless animal in a jungle full of ferocious animals looking for a prey to devour. It takes wisdom and not strength, for the weak to escape a predator. As a young girl, you must have your thinking cap on all the time because you are on the display table for all manner of men to conquer. They will come in their dozens to indicate interest in you because you are fresh, young and full of promises. Don’t mind them because this isn’t your right season to fly. When that time comes, you would have been better prepared to cope and make a choice. But at 15, your studies should be more paramount in your mind because any slight mistake, you are doomed for life. I am sure, you don’t want to be tending to nappies and crying baby when your mates are in school and acquiring good education. Nature hasn’t given any kind of responsibilities to men when it comes to the issue of pregnancy. It is the woman’s body that nature has given such assignments. There is nothing physical to announce to the world that this man has been sexually active or is about to become a father. Even if it is your first time and you get pregnant, the whole world will brand you names you are not because of the evidence provided everybody by your protruding stomach and a baby tagging you. At 15, you need the help of every experienced adult so don’t mind what your adopted mother would say. It is best you tell her so that she would know how to protect you the more. Don’t forget she has more experience than you; having gone through the road you are on long before you were born. Yes, she is bound to express anger at your foolishness, given the fact that you could easily have allowed the body gone the whole length of the game. The realization that you came within seconds of becoming a premature mother is enough to frighten any reasonable mother of a female teenager out of her skin. The anger would help you remember not to put yourself in such compromising situation and to always have it at the back of your mind that the angel boy that comes with all kinds of promises could very well turn to a monster after he has had his way the next minute. It is always better you confide in adults on issues that have to do with your sexuality and romance until you have developed the intelligence, responsibility and wisdom to withstand the avalanche of interests from men your entrance into the world would cause you. As for your sister, be wary of her. No matter what, she should be at the vanguard of those protecting you from yourself as well as from the predators in town. For her to be the one mocking you, calls for concern. This is another reason you must tell your adopted mother. Don’t ever be afraid of being scolded if it will help prevent a fatal mistake in your life. It will also remove from your sister the power of blackmailing you into doing her wish. Remember your father will only be proud of you if you are focused. Don’t disappoint him by doing anything that will bring pains to him. Bear this in mind by avoiding any situation that will make you to be alone with any man. A harmless kiss could easily get out of hand to being something you cannot manage. No matter how strong willed a woman is, even adult women; the moment she allows herself to be alone with a man in a room, anything can happen because the chemistry between a man and woman is very volatile which can go into flames any minute. This is why you find even adult women making costly mistakes. The best attitude is to avoid any compromising situation. Besides, you have the whole of your adult life to get intimate with a man. When it is time for you to, nobody would stop you. But now is your planting season; the time to colour your future in the shades you want. Yes, you have every right to feel bad at the manner he treated you afterwards. For a second, imagine how bad you would really have felt if he had gone farther than he went; the reason you must be careful with men generally. If it is of any help, you are not the first young girl to have her fantasy and trust crushed by the object of her interest. The secret is to forget him and move on with every dignity you have. Even if he tells stories about you later, pretend you didn’t hear a thing and move on with your plans. Just learn to be focused from now on. Good luck