Dear Agatha,
I am the father of two children and a husband for 12 years. I love my son and daughter dearly, but my relationship with my wife has been suffering for years. In fact, it has evolved into more of a business relationship than a marriage. In the last year, I started an affair with a woman with whom I have discovered what real love is. She is everything my wife isn't and never will be. We love each other deeply and can't stand to be apart. I want to leave my wife and spend the rest of my life with this other woman. My only hesitation is my children - I don't want to hurt them. What should I do?
ThankGod.
Dear ThankGod,
What is so fundamental about your marriage that you both cannot in the interest of your children and peace talk it over? If you have been together for 12 years, it means with just a little effort, the issues that seem so formidable can be resolved.
Having led different lives before coming together to set up a home, it is only expected that you would both get to a point of acute differences; a point where the only option appears to be going your different ways. There is hardly any marriage alive today that hasn’t gone through the arid region experience. It is a tough journey; one that sees the parties concerned trading blames as well and full of regrets at the choice they made.
During the journey, the grass appears greener at the other side, especially if there is someone on the grass carrying luscious and tempting roses. If care is not taken and wisdom not applied, the enticing perfume from the roses is enough to make the weak one in the desert give up in defeat and run for the roses.
Believe me, marriages don’t get to the happy ever after part unless the couple invests so much more than they imagined to drag into the free movement mode. You may see the other woman as your succour, your hope, the ideal partner due to the problems you are having now. If you care to look deeper, is she really a solution? Remember just like now, you once thought your woman and mother of your children held all the hopes to your dreams; your ideal soul mate and the only one capable of making you smile.
The same disappointments that have made her so unbearable will come with this other relationship. This is because there is no human relationship that is perfect. We are all products of imperfections hence our ways will always be paved with flawed decisions and actions.
There is no doubting the fact that a lot of hot as well as extremely cold water has gone under the bridge but would it be completely fair to heap the entire blame of your relationship on your wife? That you are engaged in an extramarital affair speaks volumes of your own contributions to the problems.
Yes, sometimes extramarital affairs are not instigated by one’s own need to have fun but as a result of finding the peace that eludes one at home. But it doesn’t remove from the fact that more often than not it brings about more complications.
Your desire to pack up your marriage gets its motivations from your relationship with this other woman. Because she is new, she is dazzling you with qualities you have forgotten your wife has, she is giving you the peace you think may never happen again in your marriage; presenting you with the picture of perfection your wife once presented you with when you first met her, but which has been eclipsed by your various pains and disappointments in the incidents happening in your marriage. That is not forgetting your joint frustrations at not being able to resolve the issues your way.
Would you also throw in the towel when you and this woman get to the point you have gotten to with your wife? Many men and women who have gone through multiple marriages didn’t intend it that way. Had many of them exercised a little bit of patience and tolerance, their stories would have been different and happier.
No matter the justification now, a time of regret would come; a time you had wished you exercised a little bit of patience. That is when you would come face to face with reality and know that in those roses are threatening thorns capable of leaving deeper and more painful marks; when you, in retrospect, come to appreciate the unique qualities your wife has, which no other woman has. Even the devil has a quality, which he doesn’t even know he has; that of edging us closer to God and appreciating how wonderful He is.
Having this relationship is not a panacea. In addition to giving you two sets of children; the rivalry of two mothers for your children isn’t a tea party because often the children inherit the bitterness of their mothers against each other leaving the man at the centre helpless as well as drained in his attempts to bring his children together.
There is no contesting the fact that we women can be a handful but men with wisdom have been known to tame the worst of women. A little bit of understanding is all that is required to manage the temperament of a woman.
Even in instances where the woman has strayed into the arms of another man, some men who have the maturity as well as the determination to make their marriages work, have found ways around such issues without breaking up their homes.
Deep down why do you think this woman is advertising her best qualities? She most likely knows you are having problems at home and that the only way she can get you to be with her is to avoid all the things you are complaining about your wife. Don’t get me wrong she maybe naturally good but when a woman has an agenda to accomplish, she is always several steps ahead of her prey.
What efforts did you put in place to stop your marriage from nose-diving? As the head of the home, what are your own contributions to the problems? Can you score yourself as being a reasonable and responsible man? Do you respect her wishes; consider her as an equal partner in the home? Are you sensitive to her moods as well as her needs? As a husband, do you have time for her and how well do you carry her along in terms of your own challenges as a man? Do you, like so many couples, assume your partner should know what is happening without being told? What has she always complained about in your behaviour? Do you compliment her on her looks or any effort at getting you to notice her?
The lack of any of these is a sure sign that there is problems within. Before you can brand her a problem, it is imperative you know the type of husband you are to her. If your solution to the problem in the house is to have an affair and fall in love with another woman, then she cannot be totally responsible for the damage to the marriage. This is against the background that you are spending time, resources and emotions that should have been channelled into making the marriage work on another person. So, she is bound to complain as well as react in a way you may not like or see as a problem to the marriage.
She can only stop complaining and acting her role as your loving wife if she is convinced of your loyalty and commitment to the marriage. There is no way she would have the motivation to do anything for you if she knows that there is someone else in not only your life but your heart.
In her shoes, what sort of commitment would you give when she has another man in her life? Your marriage has turned to a business arrangement due to the refusal of the two of you to come to terms with your different personalities as well as work out ways to tap the advantages buried in your differences.
The best way out for both of you now is to bury your pride, your disappointments, as well as your pains and make the necessary sacrifices towards the survival of your marriage.
For the sake of your children whose love and friendship you would always crave for later in life, sit your wife down for a last minute attempt at saving your marriage. Be honest with her; tell her all about your disappointments, your decisions to end the marriage and your new attempt to find ways of saving it.
Allowing her to see how much you have gone in your plans would help her put things in proper perspective. No woman likes to be termed a failure when it comes to her marital life.
No matter how heavy the problem is now, if you are both determined to resolve them, sincere in your options as well as loyal to your vows, the problems would become very weightless. You need prayers to make it work.
God that brought you both together didn’t make a mistake so if anything is deemed wrong; go back to Him in prayer and total submission to His will. We run into problems in life when we try to depend on our wisdom and abilities instead of His. This moment would definitely pass once you give God the reigns of leadership in your lives as well as home. Don’t be afraid to ask each other for forgiveness where a wrong has been done. It is the only way to move forward in life.
Good luck.
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