Dear Agatha,
Please help me resolve the crisis brewing among my children. I have four children, two boys and two girls. Since the death of my husband, I have tried my possible best to be a good mother to them all.
I honestly thought I had succeeded until this recent development among them. Recently, my second son, a replica of my late husband took certain money from my wardrobe. When I discovered the money was missing, I thought it was my eldest son and didn’t hesitate to accuse him of stealing my money. I know both of them are in the habit of pilfering, but this amount was too much for me to endure. It was the first time they would take as much as N10, 000 from my room. Besides, the money wasn’t mine. It belonged to someone in the office, and since I didn’t have money from anywhere to replace it immediately, I cried out.
I had already called the attention of my younger brother, whom I call frequently to effect discipline when they become too difficult for me to handle, upon the discovery that my second son actually took the money. By the time my brother came the whole matter had become too messy, as my other children had taken a stand against my second son and me. They didn’t stop at accusing me of favouring him more than the rest, but also think I am the cause of their bad behaviour, a position my brother agreed to.
The issue is so bad now that my eldest son took away the DVD machine at home to sell. And when I asked him, he said since I didn’t do anything to my second son when he took my money, he being the eldest reserved the right to do what he liked. He has threatened to dispose of the house we reside, the only thing their father left behind for them.
Please help me resolve this crisis among my children by telling me what to do. I have asked my eldest son to return the DVD machine he sold but he is adamant. Don’t know what to do to him.
Worried Mother.
Dear Worried Mother,
If your children are divided against themselves, it is because you didn’t do your job as a good mother. If your eldest son is selling off the property, it is because you licensed one of your sons to steal on account of him taking after your late husband in looks.
The sad truth is, if you don’t begin to play a fair game with all your children, not only would you be the doom of your sons but the girls too, who from the examples of their brothers either take to stealing or do other things to scandalise you the more.
To prevent the surprise of you coming home to meet the house already in the hands of its new owners, remove every document that has to do with the house to a place of safety. Your eldest son may not intend selling it, but could do so out of a sense of hurt as well as perceived injustice actually carry out his threat. Again, he may not be serious about selling the house, whereas your second son who seems able to get away with anything where you are concerned could wake one day and decide that the money he steals from you isn’t enough and that selling the house would be the only way he can raise the kind of money he needs. It is always best to err on the side of caution than to be caught on the wrong side napping.
Candidly, you need to apologise to your children because you wronged them as well as pushed them into situations they ordinarily wouldn’t have crossed their minds. There is no substitute to fairness in everything we do. Being fair means allowing the will of God to prevail at all times.
Much as I disapprove of what your eldest son did, why should he return the DVD machine when you are silent on the crime of stealing N10,000 by your second son took? What makes your second more of a son to you than your first? There is no way he would return that machine until you learn to be fair to all of them. Seeing that you are willing to condone and conceal murder as long as your second son is happy and protected while you demand for justice when it concerns the rest would prevent the return of your DVD machine.
If I were you, I won’t press too hard, rather would look for ways of ensuring that it never occurs again by disciplining the second son severely for his audacity to go into my room to take money not meant for him. It is the only way you can buy back your integrity as a mother and the head of the home. Since you lack the strength to apply sanctions, call in your brother to do it for you. The punishment should be such that the others would see that actually justice being done and also the process of your second’s recovery programme. The danger of allowing things to continue this way is the possibility of him joining up with other criminally minded persons in the society. By then, it won’t just be your brother and children witnessing your shame, but the whole society who would question your sense of judgement as a mother.
Yes, he is like your husband, but the question you should ask is, would he be happy at the way you are bringing up this child? Would he support you turning his child into an armed robber? That you discipline a child doesn’t mean you hate a child. The Bible is very explicit on discipline. Nobody is saying you should not pamper a child, but when it becomes unreasonable you expose the child to man’s natural vile. When this child becomes too large for you to manage, it won’t be because you love him too much but that you are an irresponsible and very careless mother.
For this reason, you must do everything to beat him back into shape. Show him that he can’t always have everything in life. That life is about choices of what you want and what you need. He may want the whole world, but does he need the things he is asking for, stealing your money to buy? Because you have allowed him to escape with the idea that he can always get what he wants, he won’t stop at stealing your things, but also those of other people around too when he doesn’t get anything to take in the house.
Asking your children for forgiveness would first of all douse the tension generated by your levity in handling the matter. At the meeting, be humble enough to admit your mistake as well as discuss how you intend moving the family forward.
If you are honest and your other children see you are serious about changing the situation in the house, they would begin to change for the best. And on those days you make mistakes, they will understand that it is part of life and offer you their support to succeed.
As a mother who loves her children, always go to God day and night because parenting isn’t an easy task. There is a fine line between love and indulgence. You need His presence to constantly remind you when to draw the line, to remind you when to laugh and when to frown at them, when to joke and when to scold them. Always commit them into the able hands of God who has the ability to control the excesses of the youths.
Good luck
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