Dear Agatha,
I am a 20 year old undergraduate in love with a girl who is a year or two younger than I am. I know I love her because I can tell when I am in love or lust.
But there is a huge problem, she is a lesbian. She disclosed this to me on the day I asked her out. We stay in the same area and have been friends for over eight months. I first got attracted to her on account of her friendly attitude before I fell in love with her.
After much pleading on my part, she agreed to date me but was worried how she would cope with me and her female friend at the same time.
I assured her this aspect of her didn't bother me now nor would it bother me in the future since my interest in her includes changing her for the better.
She told me my mission to change her wasn't going to be easy but I was determined since I love her very much and was convinced that she was misled into it.
I love her but I have never dealt with any issue of this nature and, to be candid, I don't even know where to start. Please advise me on what to do, because I am confused.
We have been together in my bedroom for some hours, but not for once did I have the urge to approach her for sex, not even when I kiss her. This is why I am so sure I love her. I really don't want to rush anything.
However, I am worried that she could still be having fun with her lesbian partners. I know I should be spending quality time with her, but what do you think will happen when I am off to school? How do I combine my school and this assignment, because my school is as important as my life?
Worried Guy.
Dear Worried Guy,
Like you said it isn't going to be easy getting her off this addiction. Like all other addictions, you would need to be patient, trusting, caring, and understanding even when it is obvious that she has slipped.
If you are going to help her, you must learn to be strong. There is no way you can offer her quality help if you are burdened by worries and anxieties over her going back to her old ways.
Understand one basis thing about life; old habits are the most difficult to kill especially if the desire to change is coming from the pressures of another person. Her transformation can only be processed at the pace you expect if the desire to change is coming from her. Until you came into her life, she didn't have the need to change neither did she see anything out of the ordinary with her sexual preference.
That you are not condemning or loathsome is the best attitude and the major way you can earn her trust and respect. She has to learn to trust and respect you to make her change from her ways. Once you are her friend, you would not want to do anything to hurt you. But you also have to appreciate that she isn't the only one you are against. She has partners and other members of the cult who, like you, want her.
To know how to help, you have to know the powers they have over her. This is important to enable plan your strategy; know how to checkmate them effectively. It would also help you know if you need the help of a trustworthy friend or sibling of hers who isn't a member of the cult.
Since she trusts you enough to give you information about herself, ask her how she got initiated into it. Demand to know who among her current partners did the initiation. It is also necessary you know what her position is in the cult and what role she plays, female or male. If she is the female, she is the weak chain and could easily be pressured into submission by the aggressive members of the cult hence her need to change her location. You must also know how far she has gone because usually there is a network, a kind of ring.
By the time she tells you all you need to know about her and her friends; you would be better informed about the strength of opposition as well as her own willingness to help you effect the change.
In questioning her, ensure you also know what she likes as a person and woman. Pry into her dream before and after she became a lesbian. It is also imperative you know why she went into it and what measure of fulfillment she is getting from it. Ask her if she has had sex with a man before; if yes, demand to know how she finds the two experiences compared to the last time she had sex with a member of the opposite sex. If she went into it while she was in school; possibly an all girls school, then she had it all laid out for her by crafty seniors who guise as caring school mothers. To help get her on tract, you have to deploy the same methods of care, gifts, interest in her, true friendship to wean her of a habit she got into when she was still a greenhorn and very innocent of the implication.
The timetable must be flexible as well as of a long span. Depending on her thinking, she has to see you not as the monster and heart breakers men were presented to her but a human being capable of making mistakes too. For this reason, you must be careful about the promises you are making. Don't give her the impression that you have all the aces. Let her know that she must learn to take her chance in life despite the promises of pains and disappointment it offers. Be careful too not to be too condemning of her act so that she doesn't run away from you altogether. Don't forget that this is the only form of security she has as of now. So, while trying to change her, don't do anything that would make her consider you as an enemy instead of the friend you are trying to be.
But if she went into it for the excitement, glitz or out of a desire to belong to her friends' club, be tactical. You have to learn how to be a diplomat because for her the methods used in weaning the one who got into it when she was still very young and naÔve may not work well with her.
The magic might well be into getting her to be interested in your friends; both male and females you know have normal sexual habit. This would work well if you have all the time in the world to introduce her to your world but since you would soon be leaving for school, surround her with friends who would ensure she stays on track. Friends, who would go out of their way to befriend her, show her something different from the one she is used to.
One thing is clear; you can only help her if she is willing to help herself. No matter how tolerant, selfless, caring, understanding and patient you are, if she refuses to change there is little or nothing you can do about her.
The most important way to help her is to pray her out of the ugly habit. Only God can help you achieve your dream with her.
Good luck.
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