He wants me to monitor his wife

With Auntie Agatha

gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I live in this kind of compound where everybody pretends to mind his or her business. I used the word, pretend because we all seem to know what is going on inside the private rooms of one another.

There are six flats in our house and the landlord occupies the two flats at the last floor. He has three wives and several children.

From what we gather each time there is an outbreak of fight between the man and his wives, the women are in charge of taking care of the children.

The first wife is an established business woman so her children are better off. The last wife came in as a full time housewife. By the time she had her first child, she realized the mess she was in. she practically became a nuisance to all the tenants as she begged for money to take care of her needs.

Sometimes, the first wife would give her money to buy things for the baby. By the time the second child came, she became desperate to find a job or begin a business. It was at that time, the husband started romancing another woman so he didn’t bother with her anymore.

I don’t know what happened but there is this man in our compound the other tenants are rumoring gave her substantial money to begin a business. She has even bought a car and is hardly seen at home. 

The wife of the tenant who has been away for sometime is also complaining and threatening to deal with whosoever is trying to destroy her home.

But the problem I have now is that our landlord has enlisted me and my flat-mate to monitor his wife and report back to him. He has promised to write off our outstanding rents if we come up with reports of his younger wife’s illicit affair with the tenant.  

He has also threatened to tell the wife of another tenant of my affair with her husband if my flat-mate and I don’t play ball. 

I don’t know what to do because I may have my own moral issues but monitoring his wife? I don’t know what to do. Furthermore, do I tell his wife about this issue? I’m close to the woman in question.

Confused Lady.

Dear Confused Lady,

If the landlord has problems in his family, let him manage it his own way. You were not there when he decided to get married to this particular wife or took the decision to manage his home the way he liked.

Marriage is a personal decision of the persons involved. Your landlord knew his limits before deciding to go into polygamy. He knew the consequences of getting married to women he can’t adequately provide for. Marriage isn’t just about producing children; it is also about a man taking responsibility for the children born to him.

What right thinking man asks his unemployed wife to care for her children? Where is he expecting such a woman to get the money from? Is donating sperm the only thing that makes him a husband and father? The moment a man fails to play his role as father and husband, he abdicates every right he has over the woman to other men that find his wife attractive.

Before any man can make such a law, he must have done the right thing of setting the woman up in business or employment. What makes him a father if he cannot provide for the children he fathered? Whose name are the children answering to?

Even though the lady in question is reaping the fruits of her greed by marrying a man who already has two wives, the truth is, it is their private matter.

While I’m not defending the decision of the woman to have an affairs don’t get involved in his private affair. If a man cannot manage his home, he shouldn’t get others involved in his mess.

The worst he can do is to ask you to quit his house; it won’t be the end of the world for you.

Although you also haven’t acted right by dating another woman’s husband and a neighbour for that matter; don’t allow the landlord use your indiscretion to make you do something you don’t ever want to do.

The truth is, if you fall for his threats now, he will keep using it to blackmail you into doing whatever he wants you to do, including also having his way with you.

You should ask yourself why he came to you and your flat-mate? Aren’t there other tenants in the house he could have asked for this kind of assistance? He came to you because he is aware of the kind of life-style you have adopted.

Given the kind of things his wife has acquired of recent as well as the gossips about them, he definitely knows what is happening but is looking for an excuse to force you into sharing his bed.

Besides, your secret is an open among the tenants. The woman you want to monitor may also be aware; the wife of the man who she is having the affair with his landlady may also not be ignorant of your games with the other tenant and could be referring to you when she declared war on the woman attempting to destroy her home.

Something tells me the landlord isn’t as concerned about his wife’s escapades as he appears to be. He certainly has something up his sleeve which at the end of the day may not be in your interest at all.

If it is his wife he wants to expose, it is a simple matter of paying someone to trail the wife and her lover to their hideout. He doesn’t need you to do his dirty work. There is something more at stake here.

You may have offended him and he is now out to have his pound of revenge or simply looking for ways to evict you from his house. Whatever his plans are; they are ominous for you especially as he knows you are close to the wife in question. He might just be under the impression that you know one or two things about his wife’s movements and escapades.

This could be one of his reasons for asking you to monitor and report back to him his wife’s movements.

Therefore, the time has come for you to move and redefine your life because even if you get a serious man interested in marrying you; that isn’t the kind of place to bring him to as people would expose your past to him.

I don’t think you should get yourself involved with the man or woman either. Once you tell her of her husband’s plans, you are already involved. They are all adults and know the implications of what they are doing.

Like I said before, greed was her motivation in agreeing to the marriage. Her decision also to go outside her home for the material things of life is also greed driven.

Once you decide to tell her, it means, you have compromised and therefore under obligations too to report your findings to her husband.

When next he demands for a report of the assignment he gave to you, nicely explain to him that you don’t have any to give him; that you may have made mistakes in your life but you don’t want the extra burden of knowing you helped to destroy another woman’s home. That if he has any issue with her, he should personally do what he has to do as a man and not use you to achieve whatever he has in mind.

For your sake, begin the process of relocating from the place and beginning a kind of life your income can sustain.

Good luck.

How do I protect my son and I?

With Auntie Agatha

Email: gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel:08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am desperate for a solution to my problem, which started 13 years ago. 

I had an affair with my friend’s young sister in a moment of weakness. She has always been the wild type and that night, I came home tired. Her brother and I shared a flat. Till date, I don’t know how it all started, but the fact remains that she and I ended up in bed that night. By morning, it was too late to change the hands of the clock. So, I did the gentleman’s thing of telling my friend all about it and asking him to support my desire to marry her, even though I was nothing near my goal in life.

Knowing how wild his sister is, he tried to discourage me from doing it, but changed his mind when she came back a month later to announce her pregnancy. Unknown to me, she had always boasted to her family and friends that whether I liked it or not, she would end up having me all to herself. I, on the other hand, had always prided myself as principled.

My friend, her brother, who knew all about her scheming wasn’t comfortable with the whole set up and kept telling me that if I changed my mind about marrying his sister, I could always count on his support.

Since the flat was originally mine, my friend moved out to give us privacy. Being my friend’s sister, my family didn’t object too much. I was forced against my will to accept employment from my father’s company to enable me settle into the marriage.

My elder sister whom I told of how it all happened and about my lack of love for her, counselled me to endure the few years, that after a while, I would come to see her a friend if nothing else.

I ignored all her attitudes during her pregnancy, ascribing them to her condition. She refused to cook my meals. All she did was to give commands to the house help. Severally, her brother dragged the mother to come and talk sense into her; but she told them to mind her business. Her mother kept pleading with me for understanding and being naturally a patient person, it wasn’t difficult for me to endure. 

However, the birth of my son gave me something to be happy about. He was so cute and adorable. He made me forget my lukewarm feelings toward the mother. At that moment, I was ready to love her unconditionally as well as do everything to make the marriage work.

Unfortunately, she abandoned the child and me after six months on the excuse that motherhood and matrimony was inhibiting her freedom and choice to live her life the way she liked.

No member of her family knew her whereabouts. Her mother offered to look after the child; but my mother insisting on taking the child with her to California. My son is now 13. 

After that incident, I refused to have anything with a woman for a long time until I met my current girlfriend three years ago. 

At first, I didn’t tell her about my son since I wasn’t too sure of a future between us. I however made up my mind to marry her about three months ago. So, I told her about my son. I was prepared for anger, but not to the extent of telling me she wouldn’t want to live with my son under the same roof. But, she is now back begging me to forgive her that she was now prepared to accept my son and me unconditionally.

To be frank, I am very sceptical about all this. I don’t want to expose my son to a situation that might not augur well for his development. Neither do I want to open my heart to another woman capable of hurting me later in life.

Please help me. I am 39.

Henry.

Dear Henry,

In a way, you are to blame for her reactions. Why did you wait until three years after your meeting to inform her about something so fundamental and which also involves her person?

Frankly, your excuse is baseless. How would telling her have affected your decision to marry her or not?

If she reacted violently, it is only for the reason that she didn’t know the man she has been dating for three years well enough. At that point, you came across to her as a complete stranger, some she was just seeing for the first time. In her shoes, what would have been your reactions: that a woman you have been with for three years, keeps such important information away from you?

You didn’t have this child the day you told her. The child has been in your life for 13 years, long before you met her. So, you can’t say you didn’t remember to inform her about him all these while you were having and fine-tuning the relationship.

Telling her just three months ago, is presenting her with little choice because she has invested time to get to the point of you finding her worthy of asking her to be your wife. If you didn’t tell her about your son, my guess is you also never mentioned the fact that you were once married to another woman. So, not only is she faced with the reality of a stepchild, but that of an ex-wife. These are things you should have told her long ago. Besides, you just don’t inform a person you are about to marry about things like that, you discuss such an issue with the person. This is because, both parties would have to work together to arrive at a compromise situation to make things easy for you. What you have done is to tell this woman that you don’t trust her as well as put to question your declaration of love for her.

How do you expect her to be a mother to a child she doesn’t even know exists? What time does she have to get to know him not to talk of learning to love him the way the child deserves to be loved by the woman who would be mother to him?

To be candid, you are the problem here. If she becomes a difficult stepmother, it is only because you laid the foundation for her to be suspicious of your intentions and placement of your son over her. Only few women wouldn’t react the way she did or not think your attitude has to do with the quality of love you have for her.

Sincerely, you owe her an apology for not preparing her for the task of being a stepmother of a 13-year-old child.

She said those things because she was hurt beyond measure. There is no way you expect her to applaud what you did or automatically welcome the idea of this boy staying with you, especially if she didn’t know anything about your previous marriage to another woman or that the child is living with your mother outside the country.

More than you, she is the one who needs all the assurances you are for real and that you don’t have any more dangerous secrets you are keeping away from her. Even though she came back of her own free will, to earn her trust and get the best from her, you must explain everything about your previous marriage to her. She is entitled to every detail of what transpired between you and your ex.

She needs to arm herself with this information to enable her defend or understand your reasons for certain decisions you may take. Because you have a past she isn’t a part of and which she doesn’t have, you have to trust her for herself as well as offer the platform to trust you sufficiently to place her life in your care.

Irrespective of whether you were the injured one or not, the fact that you have a record of a broken marriage behind you doesn’t exactly make you her best choice considering the headache and stress an ex-wife with a child/children represent for the new woman.

If she is therefore willing to take her chances with you, the best you can do is learn to trust her reason. Second guessing an action she has not even taken could cost you this relationship. Another thing you should avoid is to bury your disappointed with your first wife. Don’t allow the memories of how she treated you and her son continue to affect your chances of happiness with another woman.

You have to learn to live and love again, else you subconsciously give her the freedom to continue to rule your life and hurt you all over again.

Make the effort to create an opportunity for your son and his future mother to meet. If you haven’t told your son about her, please make out the time to. Ensure he understands your reason to have a woman in your life. Be patient to listen to his questions because they mirror his fears as well as hope. Don’t make promises you know maybe impossible.

Don’t also try to be the image-maker of your woman. Allow both of them meet and fall in love with each other naturally. Both of them have to find their cadence together as mother and child. Step aside for them to make the necessary mistakes as well as the required adjustment to move forward. They each have to learn to respect the place and feelings of the other because she would produce your son’s other siblings.

Believe me, if you handle this situation with maturity and wisdom it requires, you will have less to worry about.

Above all learn to pray yourself into success always.

Good luck.

How do I handle her?

Dear Agatha,

Having read almost every piece of advice you have given so far on your page since I was in secondary school, I know you will be able to put me through.

There is this girl I have come to love very much. I admit when I approached her for a relationship, I just wanted her for the fun of it but along the line, I found myself falling for her. I also discovered she has never slept with any man. At first, I tried to dissuade her from holding on to her virginity but the more I tried, the more determined she was.

Arrogantly, I thought it was because she has never met a guy like me but when I found out that she wasn’t going to give in to me, I decided to stop and get to know her better instead.

The more, I found out about her, the more convinced I became about keeping her in my life. 

However, loving her didn’t stop me from playing the field. I needed to let off tension from time to time so I had this other lady too in my life.

Unfortunately for me, my girlfriend came unexpectedly on one of those days this other girl came to my apartment. 

Painfully too, she was wearing my shirt as we just had sex. It was painful because I never planned for her to meet this other lady in my life and in the condition she met us.

I tried to explain but she refused to listen. The other lady took advantage of her young age and lack of experience to paint another picture of what isn’t between the two of us.

I don’t know how it happened but the other lady ended up slapping her and that really made a mess of my pleas to her to forgive me.

To cut the long story short, she went back to her hostel where all her friends ganged up to influence her decision against our relationship. The fact that she came back with injuries didn’t help matter. Her elder sister, she shares the room with, doesn’t even allow me close to her anymore.

I have done everything to make her see reasons with me but nothing appears to be working.

Unknown to me, this other girl went behind me to her hostel to continue with the fight which fortunately, her housemates repelled. 

Knowing how dangerous the other lady can be, I had to stop going to her hostel to give this other lady the impression I had changed my mind about my relationship with my girlfriend.

This is my dilemma. I don’t want her to get hurt but how do I get to tell her I really love her without putting her in harm’s way?

Agatha; help me because she means the whole world to me.

James.

Dear James,

Betrayal is often very difficult to forgive and forget in any relationship.

No matter what you designed the other girl for in your life, the fact that you have another woman outside her, is enough to make her think twice about your claims of loving her.

Love is much more than telling someone you love him or her. it has to be acted out every time. You cannot be in love with one person and have the presence of mind to date another. Love demands faithfulness and truthfulness at all times. Maturity also calls for caution and self control at every point in time. If she cannot trust your words at this point in time in your relationship, how do you expect her to trust you when the relationship becomes older?

Also, the element of violence is dangerous. Only very few people are at home with violence or humiliation. No matter what, you could have prevented the other lady from attacking her.

The fact that you were unable to curtail the other lady might be another reason for her to be apprehensive of continuing with you. The other lady’s visit to her hostel to fight her, underscores her reason for fear. Think, what would have happened to her if her hostel mates weren’t there to prevent the other lady from accomplishing her mission. There is no telling what a violent person is capable of doing especially with the prevalence of relationship related violence across the nation.

What would be her story if her parents get to find out that she is being attacked in school because of a boy?

The only assurance she obviously needs from you is her safety. Deep down, can you guarantee this? The fact too that you had to lie that you are no longer involved with her to prevent this other girl from going after her shows you are not even in charge of your life.

Therefore, it is best you allow her be if you really love, at least for the sake of her safety. She needs to be alive for you to keep up the hope of spending the rest of your life with her.

Besides, you are also not protected from the consequences of your other girlfriend finding out you are still involved with your girlfriend. The moment she finds out that she is still in your life, she would not only come after you but ensure she leaves you incapable of loving another woman.

But, you caused it. In her shoes, you would also feel used. How do you expect her to behave in that situation- Coming face to face with your dream woman while you waste her life and use her for your sexual satisfaction?

If she went over the bar, it is because you didn’t treat her well. You lied to her about your feelings for her. If she were your sister, would you be happy that another man is using her as his sex tool? Even though she didn’t do well by attacking the other girl who is also your victim, you really are to blame for all these.

What you should do is to appeal to her for forgiveness. Tell her you didn’t plan what happened; that you also deceived the other lady like you misled her.

Explain to her that for the time being, you would like to be left alone so as not to further hurt her by seeing another girl.

This should help douse the tension around you sufficiently for you to think straight.

Also use this time to really think about what you want from life. Every season has its blessing and importance. If you waste it on following different women, you may just miss that special moment or woman God designed for you.

There will always be women in your life but the moment you are now may never come your way again.

If God says the other lady is yours, you will find each other again but let her know that you love her too much to see her hurt. You could do this by going through her sister or phone.

Explain to her how sorry you are about the turn of events and why you are letting her go for now.

God has a way of arranging things to please His name.

Good luck.

Lack of time is affecting us

Dear Agatha, 

There is this girl I proposed to marry and who was initially anxious about the whole thing. We promised to keep seeing each other as often as possible but one thing or the other tampered with this arrangement.  It is really affecting the prospect of our relationship. Please advice me on what to do.

Worried Guy.

Dear Worried Guy,

Where is there is a way, there is always a will. Life is all about managing our time adequately. There is no moving forward in life for the person who cannot manage his or her time. You have to learn this early the essence of segmenting every aspect of life else you risk losing even that which you are holding on to.

Relationship is as important as work.

Therefore, no matter how busy both of you get, you must always find time to be together.

It is very essential else you risk losing everything that the relationship means to you.

Work will never cease to be hence the need for you to arrange your life in such a way that it doesn’t interfere with the growth of your relationship.

Besides, a woman is always in need of the attention of her man. If you keep giving her excuses on why you appear not to have time for her, chances are she will find comfort somewhere else.

Therefore, if she is as important to you as you claim, learn to manage your time effectively.

Good luck.

I hate her

Dear Agatha,

Two weeks from now, I hope to be getting married to my boyfriend of five years. He is really exceptional.

However, there is this lady, a childhood friend of his who has always been present in his life. they are very close to the extent that they tell each other everything happening to them.

When he first met me, it was this lady he sent to investigate me. He decided to declare his interest only after this lady had given him a full report about me.

I got to know this when I fought him over his closeness to this lady in the first year of our relationship.

Despite his explanations, I’m still very jealous of her closeness to my boyfriend despite knowing her fiancé and his closeness to my boyfriend.

Infact, he is my boyfriend’s best man. 

Last week, I went to my boyfriend’s house to discuss issues concerning our wedding with him. To my surprise, she was also there, cooking his meal and looking like the woman of the house.

Needless to say, something snapped inside of me prompting me to attack her. it was so sudden I didn’t understand it myself but she ended up in the hospital as a result of the injury she sustained from hitting her head on the wall.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do because my boyfriend and his family members appear reluctant to go ahead with the wedding; branding me a very violent person.

According to his elder sister, the lady I attacked is a member of their family given the fact that they all grew up together. The thinking is, if I can assault her so viciously, what would happen if someone I don’t know gets close to my man? 

My parents too are baffled and don’t know how to go about the issue again. 

A cousin of his’, has told me that the only person that can plead on my behalf is the lady in question.

But some of my friends are kicking against my going to her. as a matter of fact, one of my friends, who is my chief bride’s made is of the opinion that I should forget the wedding ceremony if it comes to going through the lady to beg my boyfriend. She stated that my boyfriend should be the one begging me and not the other way round.

My elder brother and the closet to me in our family, agrees with the suggestion that I should go and beg the lady. He said, in my boyfriend’s shoes he would do the same; that I had not right to do what I did whatsoever.

Even if I want to go and beg her, what will I be telling her since I don’t think I have done anything wrong? I feel she is trying to steal my boyfriend from me. I hate her for being his friend and confidant. I can’t help feeling this way I about her.

But I do need to get my man to listen to me and forgive me so our wedding ceremony can go on.

I’m so confused. Please help me.

Goodness.

Dear Goodness,

Obviously, you aren’t ready to get married to this man. a woman who wants to get married to the man in her life won’t adopt your kind of attitude.

From your posture on this matter, his family has every reason to be apprehensive because this kind of jealousy you are displaying can make you kill or maim anyone you perceive as obstructing your closeness to your husband now or later in life. Not even his family is exempted from your kind of jealousy.

If you cannot explain what happened to make you attack this lady, serious enough to land her in the hospital, you clearly have an issue with your temper which you must first tackle before you can talk of getting married.

There is very little love can do in the face of a violent disposition. There is no way a man would be able to live with a woman, no matter how deep his love for her is, who without thinking can destroy all he has worked for.

What would you have done if that woman had died or ended up with a more serious injury? What would have been your excuse that you found her in boyfriend’s kitchen? If you can so ferocious attack a woman whose relationship with your boyfriend predates your meeting him and who has been involved in your relationship from the beginning, what would you do to a woman you don’t even know?

Truth be told, another woman who really has an agenda to steal your man would have capitalized on your attitude to take him away from you. she wouldn’t have stopped at that but instituted a legal case of assault against you. If she had done that, you won’t be debating going to her rather, you would have since gone to her to withdraw the case against you.

The fact too that you are still listening to your friends on whether to go and beg the lady or not shows that you aren’t really interested in getting married to this man. frankly, your attitude as well as disposition is puzzling. You are not behaving like a woman whose marriage is only two weeks away but a young girl who doesn’t know her left from her right who is being forced to do something she doesn’t have faith in.

If love for your boyfriend is what prompted your action as well as desire to protect your territory, go and beg this lady. Even if you don’t like her, good manners demand you go and apologise to her for such an unwarranted attack. Like I said, you are lucky she didn’t take a legal action against you. Truth be told, there is nothing provocative in the situation you found her. She was only in the kitchen cooking for her friend and brother.

Your boyfriend didn’t hide his relationship with her from you. Right from the beginning she has been involved; something both of them didn’t hide from you. Her fiancé is even the best man at your forth coming wedding ceremony.

If your boyfriend and this lady had anything to hide, their relationship won’t be that obvious. And for every member of his family to queue behind the lady shows that they are nothing more than you know.

For peace sake as well as your happiness, ignore your friends and do as your brother and your boyfriend’s cousin have advised.

Explain to the lady that you don’t know what came over you and the reason you appear to detest her. Pour out your mind to her; let her understand your insecurity regarding her closeness to your man.

Talking to her about it will even make you understand the reason for your jealousy of her person.

The issue here isn’t just her closeness to your boyfriend but something you think she has, that you don’t have at all.

It could be a simple matter of you not knowing how to be a friend to your fiancé which she has. Talking to her will enable you pin point what the problem really is and to ask her help in getting over the problem.

From time to time, you would really need her help to iron out some rough edges between you and your man especially in those early years of trying to build a home. if you throw her out completely, you may not find another person close enough to him to mediate during those trying period in every marriage.

Meeting her outside your boyfriend will really afford you the opportunity to find out that special quality in her that has kept her and your boyfriend friends since their childhood days.

Don’t forget that on account of their relationship, she knows so many things about your man that you don’t know. If you play your cards well, she can be a very helpful ally in making your husband very happy. For instance, as friends, they know what they each like and what makes them most happy. These are information that will help you surprise your man sufficient to install peace in your home.

As for your friends, the earlier you did away with them, the better for you. good friends would have offered to go with you to do as your boyfriend demands. Asking you to ignore his desire shows they are not the kind of people to keep around you else you will end up making mistakes in your decisions and marriage.

I’m sure, if the lady agrees to talk to your boyfriend, everything will work out fine. This is one major test; you must not fail because a good wife is the one who does what pleases her husband.

In addition, you must also realize that in attacking that lady, you also called to question the integrity of your man because a lot of people who don’t know him would from your reactions begin series of speculations about his person and nature of his relationship with the lady.

This is why you must do as he asks to put things right.

Good luck.

Share a problem  With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626