My mother-in-law denies me access to my daughter, wife

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this lady that I started dating about three years ago. She is from Akwa Ibom. When she got pregnant for me in our first year of dating she could not tell her mother till the pregnancy was three months old. Even then, she was still contemplating aborting the pregnancy until I walked up to her mother to inform her about the pregnancy. She was naturally very angry because at that time she was running a diploma programme. After a lot of pleas and promises that I will take care of her daughter, she agreed but never hid her displeasure about the whole development. I was asked to bring two goats and other things for the pregnancy after which our families went through a formal introduction ceremony. It was only after this, that my woman and I could live together as man and woman. I promised to complete all the traditional wedding rites but my business crumbled after our daughter was born.   As a result, I started nagging and would starve her when she provokes me for that day. After sometime, she left the house for her mother’s place; that was when it dawned me on that I have really wronged her. So I went to beg but she insisted I should go and beg her mother first. I didn’t hesitate to do as she demanded. After several days, she came back home but she was not the same woman that left my house. This new woman she had become was determined to tussle power with me to the extent she would starve me of food for up to two weeks just because we had a fight and when we run out of foodstuff, she would demand for money for food without any apology and remorse. In this particular instance, I refused to give her feeding allowance for a week. One day I came back from work and discovered to my surprise that she had packed all her belongings including that of my daughter. I was perplexed by her actions that I went the next day to report the incident to her mother. From her reactions, she wasn’t so surprised by my visit and what I had to say because they were with her. Till date they are still with her. I subsequently went to my lawyer to seek legal advice. He told me to ignore her for one year. I tried to stay away from her and our daughter but since I was missing my child so much I visited after three months. But something terrible happened as her mother accused me of trying to steal my daughter. I had to fight my way to see my child. Agatha, I am tired of all these nonsense but I am scared for my daughter’s future. I don’t want to report this case to court or welfare, though I’m ready to accept her back if she so desires. But I won’t beg her because I didn’t send her away. What do you suggest?   Ike Michael Dear Ike Michael, Patience! Obviously there are some very fundamental issues in your union. The first being, you didn’t set out to marry each other but were forced into it by the accident of her getting pregnant. The second issue in your marriage is your lack of maturity, in the handling of attendant marital challenges that followed the collapse of your business investment. A man isn’t supposed to nag or deny his wife and child food. By starving her of food anytime she offends you, you are unwittingly eroding whatever kind of respect she may have for you as well as destroying the chances of survival of your marriage. Unfortunately, when you starve her of food, your child is also affected since she depends on the mother for food. Though she didn’t act right by coming back to pay you in your own coin but a wise man after everything that has happened would find ways of cementing the cracks in his home rather than heat up the already bad situation. Stubbornness doesn’t resolve marital problems, which is what is at work in your home. For this very union of yours to work, you and your woman must factor in the interest of that child who had nothing to do with your decisions to bring her into the world. Deep down you really care for her; just hurt by her attitude. She also cares for you but certain things have really gone wrong. I don’t know the efforts you have made to get her to continue with her studies. If you didn’t make any efforts to send her back to school, that could cause the displeasure of her mother who from the very beginning didn’t hide her desire to see her daughter complete her education. It could also be the basis for her change in attitude towards you, as she didn’t begin by being stubborn. I am sure if you managed your temper and frustration when your business went down, all these wouldn’t have happened. By right, should have been the one nagging and denying you food. But that she didn’t. She was rather compassionate with you until it got to a point she couldn’t take it anymore. Honestly, there is the need for you to clear the cloud about your real feelings for her. Don’t forget your decision to marry her came about as a result of the baby just as your desire to have her is based on your missing child. So where does she stand in all these? What is your true feeling for her? Be honest with yourself at this vital point because a lot of time, we make the most terrible mistakes of our lives by being lying about what we really need. You may get away with it now, but life has a way of reminding us of these mistakes every opportunity it gets. Before you can resolve this problem, you must first come to full acceptance of what you really feel for this woman. If you really love her, no sacrifice would be too much for you to make for both of you to find happiness. Every relationship deserves a chance to heal from its wounds inflicted by misunderstanding and mismanagement of issues. If you didn’t begin the process of hurting her, the way you did, chances are she may not have desired retaliation. A time would come when the things you count as being of importance to you will cease to be so, when you will look back and ask yourself why you acted the way you did. By then it would be too late to make amends. Having known her for three years, what do you really think about and feel for her? Do you think she has the qualities of being a good wife? These are more important than the issues you place on your front burner. Don’t forget that you are not the only man interested in her; someone else may just be waiting in the corner to grab her from your hands. This is why you must urgently consider your options before it is too late. Don’t allow pride stand between you and your ultimate happiness in life. There is plenty of time to play the boss in her life. There was no one between the two of you the day you met each other and the decision to consummate your relationship. Therefore, resist third party intervention. From all you have said there is nothing that cannot be changed if you as the head take the necessary steps of assuring your woman that you care so much for her with or without the baby. She is holding tightly to the baby because your conduct has made it obvious that you love your baby more than you do her. Remember, hell has no fury like a woman who is scorned. Your attitude to her is like rejecting her hence is ready to use the one person you care so much for to hurt you. This is the kernel of your problem with her. Once you are able to talk things over with her, it won’t matter so much what her mother says. The lesson embedded in all these for you, is one of wisdom. Learn to be more matured in the handling of your home. There is nothing patience cannot achieve; deploy it well in your marriage. No matter how strong willed she is, she will eventually change. Your lawyer is buying you time to make up with your family. Commit your plans and relationship to God at all times. Good luck.

Why is my love madly hostile and secretives?

With Agatha Edo ,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, Why is my love madly hostile and secretive now I am 18 years of age and in love with a man who is 33. I love him to the extent I can kill myself for him. But after a while, he became harsh towards me; he stopped answering my calls. Even though we were sexually active, he never shared any of his problems with me. I met another man, who promised me marriage during this process of my challenge with my former man. I don’t know whether to accept this man’s offer or continue with the first man. I need your help. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, Life is in stages and seasons. At 18, shouldn’t you be in school worrying more about your education, your empowerment than men? If at your age, you have started to busy yourself with the issue of men, what will you do when you are older and less attractive? Beg friends who were wise to properly situate their lives for money? What by then will you fall back on as a woman when you no longer have the looks and body to sustain the interest of men in you? What by then will be your source of income? There is no time as now for you to get serious with your studies with the aim of procuring for yourself an enviable future. Men and sex never go out of season but your chance to give your life a solid foundation to stand does. Once this stage passes you by, you may never be able to get it back. And even if you can, it takes more efforts to do that. The man of 33 years, sleeping with you and who is now refusing to take your calls, has got what he wants from you. He has registered his presence in your life. He is set to move on because marriage to you will be a liability to him which is what the majority men are running away from these days. What would he be discussing with you when it is obvious to him that you don’t think alike; lack the depth of knowledge and understanding needed to match his’? Men only share their problems, discuss with women they know can contribute positively to the issues worrying them. Beyond your body, he doesn’t think you have any other thing to offer him. His attitude mirrors the thoughts of every other man that would come your way if you don’t quickly sit down now to remodel your life positively. He is aware that you will later become a huge liability to his limited income. Given the kind of attention and placement you are giving to the improvement of your life educationally, what kind of help will you be able to offer him when he needs it? The burden of caring for his home will definitely be too much for him to bear alone. And he isn’t alone in this school of thoughts. The majority of men out there are life students of this school. That he slept with you is in itself clear evidence that he doesn’t have any plans for your future, is lacking in respect for you and doesn’t care what becomes of you. What if you get pregnant? Is he ready to marry you or is he going to tell you to abort the pregnancy, thereby putting your life in jeopardy and future at risk? If he really cares about you, he will not attempt to have sex with you; rather he would be the one urging you to sustain yourself until you are through with your education. A man who has plans for a woman would not mind the sacrifices he makes for her comfort and welfare. From this point, things will only degenerate between the two of you as he is set to move on with his life. You were a fine distraction for him. Even if he had plans for you in the beginning, your lack of focus; coupled with the absence of moral values are enough to make any man think twice about you. As for the other man, if he is interested in marrying you, let him wait for you while you pursue the issue of enhancing the quality of your life educationally. Non- availability of finance is no longer an excuse for those determined to improve on their educational qualification; a lot of children from poor homes with big dreams of a very bright future are these days doing odd jobs to sponsor themselves through school. Your ambition should be your first love: no one man will be able to take away from you. The power of education is such that you are almost certain of success; the kind that attracts quality men to a woman. Men like women who can step in effortlessly for them when things aren’t going to well with them. If this other man is ready to wait for you to finish your education, consider him but if not, let him go. By the time you finish, there will be a man ready to marry you. Always bear this in mind; time and season wait for no one at all. So make hay while the sun is still shinning. Good luck.

I resent my wife because of her past

With Agatha Edo ,Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I got married to a complete stranger less than three months after we met. The more I know her, the more I resent her. I discovered that she lived a very careless and carefree life; lived with different men and did a lot of night clubbing while in school. She smoked and dressed immodestly. In fact she played her time away and in the process destroyed herself. She is also spoilt. I got to know a lot of things about her from her friends and those close to her. Some she told me herself. Living with her has been terrible. She argues and disagrees with me on everything. She favours going out and spending carelessly even when she has important things to do with money and time. Even though she is still re-sitting her exams, she hardly sits down to study. We are always at each other’s throats. I am close to hell. The smell coming from the core of her person is enough to drive one out of the bed and house. I am finding it very difficult to continue living with her. This is not my idea of a wife and I feel very bad and feel like killing myself. For now, no baby, I even like it that way. Please advise me on what to do, I am very miserable. Miserable Husband. Dear Miserable Husband, One thing you must appreciate about marriage generally is the fact that it comes in very attractive package. You don’t get to know what the package masks until opened. Some get very good deals, some others get moderate deals while another group gets very worst deals. But one thing is certain, whatever we find in our packages, we are expected to manage and make the best of. Your challenges are compounded by the shortness of your meeting and decision to get married. This is the tragedy of not taking the marriage institution serious. Most often than not, a lot of couples rush into marriages more for extraneous reasons that have nothing to do with love. This is why every intending couple must first of all take time out to study each other objectively. Getting married less than three months after your first meeting shows your lack of plan for the future as well as your naivety concerning marriage. It also underscores your ill preparation for the challenges ahead of you once you enter into the institution of married men. You must realise that having signed the document that binds you to your wife for life, there is no way you can hurry out of it with the same speed with which you entered into the agreement. Besides, being from different families, your values and outlook towards life are bound to be different. It takes time for such things to blend in any marriage even if you had all the time in the world to get to know yourselves well before signing the dotted lines. The tragedy of ill conceived plans is having to live with it. You must give your marriage a chance to work; by making out time to reposition and refocus. This is the real challenge in every marriage. The mistakes you see in your wife are the same things she sees in you. If you have one thing to complain about in her, you can be sure she has several things to say about you. This is natural. You are both humans and come with defective manuals from the creator’s work table. Marriage is lending to each other our strengths, thoughts and dreams. It is also learning from the other person. There is no way you can both think or act alike. Marriage and life for that matter would be really boring if the same things happen everyday of our lives. Your wife is your challenge and the link between you and your dream. Despite the short time of your knowing each other, something must have made you settle for her among the many ladies you must have met in your life. This is the time to explore your reasons. I appreciate all the confusion, laced with disappointments that must be going on in your head over the quality of woman you married, but if you are honest, are you without blemish? The kind of things you said about her aren’t things she could have hidden from you for long. Even if she did succeed to conceal the other things from you, the bits about her dress sense and attitude she couldn’t have been able to hide from you. If despite seeing the way she dressed you still went ahead to marry her, the same determination if applied to the protection of your marriage can change a lot of things in your lives. Doubtless, you have feelings for her; don’t deny this simply because you are disappointed with the package you have. If we all choose to walk away simply because there are too many defects in our packages, the entire marital system would have long collapsed completely. This is why you must make the essential sacrifice for this marriage. Besides what assurances do you have that if you give her and this marriage up, you will get someone better than she is? Life doesn’t work the way we plan or hope it would. Sometimes, it takes a very warped path to get us to promised land. Sit her down and tell her everything you feel is wrong with your marriage. Say it the way you feel and tell her what your decision is as well. It may not count for much now but overtime, she would begin to appreciate your kind of patience and selflessness in trying to make this marriage work. Having lived the kind of life you described, getting her to change her person may not be as easy as you think. She is no longer a spring chicken; she is old and already set in her ways. For this reason, her metamorphosis cannot be achieved overnight. It has to be done in phases. The issue of her offensive odour can be tackled first. She may not even know how bad the odour of her person is. This is something you can help her with without making a fuse out of it. It is a simple matter of suggesting you both take a bath together and in the process helping her to wash that vital part of her well. Let it come as romantic suggestions. For a woman who has been around, she will warm up to it. Follow this by buying her new pants. Insist she gets rid of her old ones. Using fresh lime juice, especially after menstruation can get rid of foul smell as a result of the different discharges women secrete at different times of the month. Encourage her to shave her pubic hair; to minimise the amount of discharges trapped in the hair on her pubic region. When a woman isn’t too neat, these can cause her to ooze. You can tell her your aim after these efforts for her to continue on her own. Advise her to soak her under-wears over night in detergent water. It will help keep them clean. Although you may wonder at the logic of teaching an old woman how to maintain a certain level of hygiene, the fact is, she is your wife and since her present condition is one of the issues affecting your home, doing it will help your marriage stabilise. On the issue of her sense of dressing, buy her the kinds of clothes you want her in. insist she wears them for you because it would make you very happy. The fact that you are not complaining openly about her choice of clothes; only insisting she makes you happy by wearing certain clothes to please you, will in time moderate her choice of attires. Most times, when you ignore someone, pretend that person doesn’t exist at all; issues like the person’s attitude, manners will cease to have the power to hurt. You notice she is rude and stubborn because you devote time to these issues. Adopt the attitude of walking away as well as being totally indifferent to her when she gets into this mood. Overtime, she will learn to guard her tongue properly. As long as she hasn’t gone back to her previous ways, rest her past life. Just as you have a past you are not too proud of, this is a side of her, you should overlook. Begin your assessment of her from the point you met her as it will be unfair to use her past to judge her. Importantly, develop a real relationship with her through constant conversations. This way you would be building a culture of talking your problems over as well as keeping in touch with happenings in each other’s life. Marriage isn’t a bed of roses; rather it is a thorny, bumpy and tortuous ride before it gets to the smooth part. Count yourself lucky to be experiencing all these at the kindergarten stage of your relationship and not at the secondary or tertiary stages when it is most difficult to resolve. What you are going through now is typical and if well managed by you especially; your marriage will end up being among the best. Learn to pray. God always listens. Divorce should never be the immediate option to any marital challenge. If you must consider it, consign it to the last option. Good luck.

I need a girl in my life…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 20 years of age. I am single and don’t have any girl to call my own. I really need a real relationship. Please is there anyway you can help? Michael. Dear Michael, At 20, your studies should be more important to you than the business of women. As a man you owe it to yourself to be well focused in life because it is one of the surest ways of attracting and sustaining the interest of a woman. Several decades back, you may be right to worry at the absence of a woman in your life because things were less complicating than they are now. Back then, the land provided the mainstay of a family’s survival. As long as a man can farm, he can stay alive. But things have since changed; a man must from very early in life begin to plan his life in today’s modern world. Every stage of a man’s life requires proper planning. Once a stage is skipped, it takes the grace of God to get it back. But this is not to say, you should not socialise with women; it is a simple matter of finding the woman who shares your dream and aspirations. This is why you must have a focus of who you are and where you are going to in life. Once you identify the woman who shares your dream, ask for friendship, nothing more. The problem of true intent comes when a man proclaims love to a woman on first date. When you identify a woman who you like, propose friendship to her first. Stay on it until the relationship grows to the level of being able to discuss what your real intentions are. As friends, you will be able to discuss freely and honestly. You may be having challenges because you don’t know what to look out for in a woman or too shy to display who you are to the girls you have met. Be bold enough to be who you are at all times. It is the start to being a responsible man. Good luck.

I’m disturbed by his covert phone calls…

Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, There is this particular number that keeps beeping my husband. Whenever the user of the number flashes him, he would retire to the toilet to return the call. Last week the user as usual flashed my husband’s number. He, as always, went into the toilet to return the call. This time I confronted him on the identity of the caller; to my surprise he almost beat me up. Agatha, I am very bothered. What should I do about the situation? Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Concentrate on making your marriage work. You have no business with whosoever he is calling. Your concern should be your home and diverting the attention of your husband back to the home front with the most minimal fuse or quarrel. Anybody, who is in love, is like a hot metal, which cannot be grabbed with the bare hands when hot. Patience is required to wait for the metal to cool down. This is precisely what is happening in your home. You need absolute patience because your husband is waiting for you to give him the slightest of reasons to bring in the other woman. You will be acting foolishly by fighting or quizzing him on the identity of the strange caller. At the stage he is now, he is beyond reason and like a burning inferno is ready to consume whosoever stands in his path. Presently, there is something about that woman he isn’t getting from you; the reason he is determined to battle with you over the existence of the other woman in his life. Sometimes too, these interests aren’t natural. Some are being spiritually manipulated; if the woman at home isn’t careful, her home would be derailed completely even if temporarily. Because of the danger to your home if you get to find out her identity, it is best you don’t bother about the strange caller. It isn’t worth the trouble. Even if you know, beyond going to fight her, you cannot stop the two of them from dating each other. Therefore her identity is of no use to you at all. When situations like yours happen, it is an opportunity for couples, especially the woman at home to sit down to X-ray her marriage. Definitely, something is wrong. Rather than trouble yourself seeking the identity of this woman, why not concentrate more efforts at finding out the problem spot in your marriage? The first place to start your investigation is to examine with detachment his attitude towards you in the last couple of months. What has he consistently complained about you, even in the early stage of your relationship and marriage? What has he always wanted you to do that you have persistently refused to do all the years you have known him? If you were to grade yourself objectively, how would you describe yourself, first as a person, wife and mother? Are you the kind of woman who doesn’t care? Lacks respect for him as the head of the home? Do you show interest in his welfare or well being as his wife and friend? How much of his business do you know? How often do you create time for romance, bonding and growth of your relationship with him? Do you remember to compliment or pray for him? Finally how much of him do you know? Other areas to examine in your marriage include your looks, housekeeping, relationship with his family and friends as well as your attitude towards the things that concern him. If honest, the clue to the problem in your marriage will become evident to you. Most times, the difference between happiness and sadness is as tiny as a smile. No man likes coming home to a woman who is forever nagging and is totally lacking in respect for his feelings. If you are the kind of wife who has developed the habit of being unappreciative of his efforts, change and learn to smile. His efforts may not be much, but the right attitude from you can act as a great incentive for him to go the extra mile. Rather than fight, put your house back on track. Don’t even ask him about the mysterious caller. Even if he takes the call in your presence pretend you are not bothered about the identity of the person on the other side of the phone. You have the knowledge the other woman lacks as well as the advantage of his being his wife. Use that knowledge to win him back by cooking his favourite meals and looking after him the way you have done in a very long time. Woo him with everything God gave you as a woman; don’t hold back; apart from being his wife, you must win this battle of your home and happiness. This is the time to invest cash too. What does he like? Get him gift items you know he will appreciate. Bear in mind that you are now in the position of his girlfriend, the other woman in his life so you must be ready including using prayers to get him to come back to you. If you are the kind that thinks once a woman marries, sex becomes a duty rather than a tool of recreation, you better rethink your options very well. Create exciting moments, the kind of memories that last forever. You may not get instant results, don’t even expect it but if you are tolerant, patient and selfless, you will eventually win the battle of your husband’s heart back to you. Without you first putting the necessary machine into motion, you cannot effectively tackle his feelings for the other woman who is only putting on her best behaviour because of what she intends from him. But your husband doesn’t know that because her seemingly good side is painting you in very negative hues. Flashing your husband at odd hours is aimed at getting you annoyed and confrontational. She knows that your husband will definitely fight back if you get angry with him so it is a tactic she is deliberately using to make you fall out of favour with your husband; so resist it. Reality is even if you catch him red-handed with another woman, you still have to play it cool with him. Wisdom is what makes the difference in marriages. If you elect to fight him on account of calls he could easily deny as being from a business associate, what will you do when you find out the identity of the other woman? Sincerely when another woman is involved in the life of one’s husband, the wife has the challenge of adopting the patience of a vulture. Be confident that he cannot just ask you to go if you don’t fight him and are confidence in the God you serve. In addition to creating the right atmosphere for him, time to change your look to something much sexier, appealing and arresting. Time too, to get those commotion causing nightgowns out of wardrobe for duty. You must be wise to win this battle for the heart of your husband. Besides, count yourself lucky that he is still coming home to you and is discharging his duties as a husband and man. Not many women are that lucky. Frankly, if you push him too hard, you may at the end of the day find yourself all alone. He may just decide not to come home at all, pegging his reasons on you not giving him peace at home. Remember the other woman’s home offers an immediate alternative to his home, so be careful how you handle this matter. Patience, endurance, prayers and wisdom are the tools you need to win this battle. Good luck.

She drops no dime to run our home, abhors creative lovemaking

With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, First of all, I would like to thank and congratulate you that through your kind, gentle, firm and wisely advice, so many homes and families have been saved, and many young couples like me have been prevented from making mistakes that might have resulted in destroying our homes. May the Almighty and Everlasting God continue to bless you beyond your imagination and may he continue to guide and protect your family from all problems. Amen. My questions bother on two issues that are beginning to affect my very young and dream home. We have known each other for a decade. We courted for six months and have been married for over a year. The first issue has to do with money. While my wife insists I should declare what I earn and my financial position, she refuses to declare hers. While she expects me to be dedicated to the growth of the home, she cannot be bothered. She doesn’t think she has obligations to contribute all she earns to the family purse. We never really had any issue on finances during courtship, because most of the time, I was the one making most of the financial contributions for all our activities. Please it would go a long way in reducing the tension in my home if you could explain and give us pieces advice on the best way of handling our finances as we prepare for new additions into our home. The second issue has to do with sex, which, as I have noticed in our society today, people don’t like talking about. We never had sex until we got married, my friends that got married three or four years ago, still find it difficult to talk about sex and how couples can improve their sex life. When it comes to issues of sex, I am very adventurous and liberal minded, whereas my wife is more of the conservative and reserved type. Is it wrong for a couple to engage in oral and anal sex? While some people have said that oral and anal sex is wrong, because it causes pains and sickness, others have said it is another form of enjoying yourself as a couple. We have read so many articles on these issues and my wife still believes that oral and anal sex is bad and causes some forms of sickness. Your wise advice on these issues will definitely assist and help us in building our home just as it would also assist other couples in similar situations. Faithful Fan. Dear Faithful Fan, Marriage is a delicate balance of every human experience. The thing is not to allow the scale tilt too much in favour of all the other factors that make a home ideal. More than anything else, I am glad for your interest in protecting your home. God will see you through. Finance has always been the blight in most marriages especially with young couples, who are still to understand the dynamism of marriage. This is why you should not blame your wife too much. Don’t forget that while you were dating, you single-handedly shouldered all the financial responsibilities without asking for her input. You did this for six years without complaining; therefore she has gotten used to you spending the money in the relationship. The only thing, in her opinion, that has changed is that you are now married to her, the more reason for you as the man to continue to provide for the home. Change is something people find very difficult to do. Being a woman too, she has been brought up to think that men alone shoulder all the responsibilities in a marriage. Take it from me, it would take time for the scale of idealism to fall off her eyes. Experience remains the best teacher, until she gets to the bus stop of reality. You simply have to patiently keep explaining why you alone cannot bear the burden of the family. If you use force, you will lose the battle. Your option is to appeal to her. Good enough, she knows your monthly take home pay. Gradually outline the limitation of your resources to her especially as the baby is on the way. Let her know how far you can go as well as the need for you to keep something little away in case of emergency which could be baby taking ill suddenly, increased house rents, school fees, faulty car or important family members requiring one form of assistance or the other. There are of course the necessary things like cloths, fuel, electricity bills and upgrading the home equipment. Put a price against all these needs, deduct the important ones from the money you earn and let her see how much is left if you indeed have anything left at all. The beauty of marriage is sustained when the wife offers her unconditional support to her husband. Sit her down for a serious talk. Take her back to when you both started and how you willingly took on the challenge of providing her needs. Assure her that you are not about to abandon your responsibilities to her, but asking her to appreciate your limitations. It is something that has to come from within her, a deep concern for the peace and progress of your home. She has to know that unless you have access to the nation’s treasury or extremely rich through wise investment, there is no way you alone can provide the family’s entire need. So many things will suffer neglect, which will invariably affect the quality of your home and marriage. Remember you are in this forever. So stop pretending to do what you know you cannot do. It is time you made her face reality regarding your abilities. Sincerely, you made a mistake from the beginning, which I hope men in your situation will learn from. From the beginning you gave her the impression that you can do it alone while she is left to spend her money the way she likes. If you had during your courtship years, gradually allowed her to participate financially in the sustenance of the relationship, what you are asking now won’t be so strange to her. She is reacting this way because she has never been made to contribute financially to anything by you. It is like a baby whose mother is trying to introduce to other kinds of food, the child will naturally at the beginning resist such attempts. You will have to patiently win this battle for the sake of the peace in your home. Another way to do it is to agree on a monthly allowance for housekeep. Once you agree on an amount, make it clear it is what you can afford for the entire month. The only time she would object is if you on your own take the decision to fix the monthly allowance. As long as you discuss it with her, she would have no choice but administer the money judiciously to the point of supplementing it. Once you are truthful with her, there should be no problem. At every point, come clean with her. Don’t hide anything from her or insist on how she spends her money. By the time you give her what you can afford at the end of the month, she would have no choice but to assist you in some areas. Women do these things without the men insisting on it too much. It is a lesson life teaches in the many classrooms it provides us with. On the issue of sex, sincerely, it is an individual thing. Both of you must agree on comfortable positions to get the best out of it. But you must talk about it with a free mind. Not talking about it makes a marriage dull and emotionally stagnant. Sex is very important to peace and happiness at home. And it isn’t just a man and woman coming together for the sake of it, but because it is the important tool of creating the nectar of profound intimacy and exceptional bond in a marriage. Not to talk about it is to retire the marriage before it has the chance to walk. But given the attitude of your wife, you might have to gradually introduce these changes without her being aware. A lot depend on your expertise and sense of adventure. Some of the lessons of sex come during the act itself, not before it. Delight her to a very romantic evening to break her down while you plot your moves. In the bedroom, use more of your fingers at the beginning, taking special note of her erotic zones. Once you are sure where her weakest spots are, apply the pressure aimed at making her ask for more. By then, she will be willing to experiment if it means more pleasure from you. No woman is frigid, only a lousy man who doesn’t know his left from his right. Oral sex and whatever position you want will be a matter of time. As long as you are both faithful to each other, there is nothing to fear in whatever positions you assumed in your quest to find the ultimate satisfaction in your marriage. This is because what works for one person may not work for the other person. The success of marriage is encapsulated in our sense of adventure and honesty with ourselves and situations. Good luck.

Please, how do I become a good husband?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Please how can I be a good husband? Eme. Dear Eme, So many factors come into play in every marriage. Some are general to all marriages while others are peculiar to the individuals involved. Therefore, to be a good husband, you must take time out to know everything there is to know about your wife. Get to read her like a book, making efforts to know precisely what God’s storyline for her life is. This is absolutely important for proper integration of your person into hers. This is the foundation of being happy and having a peaceful marriage. Knowing God’s purpose for her will determine how far you can push her or what to expect from her at any given time. Besides it will assist you in knowing when she does something deliberately and when it is in line with her nature. Like men, there are no two kinds of women. Every person is different; this is the mystery of God, hence each person’s reaction to an issue will always be dissimilar. By learning to appreciate her dissimilarity to everything you have been used to, including all the women that have graced your life, you open yourself to learning new things about her and from her ways. It is like watching a child grow. Every stage of a growing child is laced and patterned with different hues of which brings new excitement to the parents. As a good husband, you should be able to notice when she is making the extra effort to please you or change for your sake. Most often, problems arise when a woman thinks her husband isn’t paying her the kind of attention she deserves. A woman likes to be complimented on her looks, new hairstyles, cooking and housekeeping. She practically comes into bud when complimented by the man who has her heart. Without much effort from you, she will go the extra mile to make sure he is happy and contented with everything at home. But she gets very hurt, edging and troublesome when she is ignored or not appreciated. No woman wants to hurt or misbehave to a man who cares so much for her. Therefore, learn to be caring, attentive and appreciative of whatever efforts she puts into the marriage. Even when you think she isn’t doing enough, first show appreciation for the little she is doing before voicing whatever complaints you have. This way, she will listen better than you just complaining about all her efforts. That you are the man of the house doesn’t mean you should be lacking in respect for her person or values. At all times, learn to be respectful of her position as your deputy. Without her, there would be no home or family. Therefore, protect her position by limiting your anger as well as displeasure with the way she is doing certain things to the bedroom. Not even your children should witness your quarrels because they were not there when both of you met or made the decision to spend your lives together. When a man exposes his wife to the mockery of others, by fighting or beating her in the presence of others, he is unwittingly destroying his home. Don’t ever make the mistake of beating her. The tongue of a woman is very sharp and indiscriminate. When let loose, it can cause great damage. Learn to develop the strength and will to resist her anger. Because a woman talks before she thinks. If you know you cannot withstand the pains of her tongue, when she gets angry, walk away or leave the room for her. Not many men have the capacity to tolerate the kinds of words that come out of a woman’s mouth when angry. By electing to walk away from the scene, you are giving your marriage the chance to survive against all odds and buying respect for yourself and family. The truth is that nobody hears or is a witness to the caustic and provocative tongues of the woman but everybody does when the man reacts by beating her. At the end of the day, the man gets the label of being violent and irresponsible. Be wise and avoid what will make others gather in your house to settle any marital rift. That you are avoiding confrontation doesn’t mean you make yourself weak, it just shows that you are man enough to manage your internal problems judiciously. It also indicates your ability, to compartmentalise your life, giving each subject its place. The man who takes pride in using muscles to settle marital problems is seen as weak and unbalanced. It infects every aspect because when sourcing for qualified hands to handle sensitive positions, domestic violence could stand in his way of progress. Men who command the absolute respect of their wives are those who have mastered the act of controlling their tempers. The fact that you don’t even raise your voice when arguing with your wife is enough to keep the woman in check and very respectful of you. As a husband, learn to show understanding always. Like you, she has her moments and moods, particularly as a woman. There are particular times of the month when hormonal imbalances influence a woman to behave out of tune. This is when she needs you to bear with her, understand her and offer whatever help you can no matter how minute. Because, more often than not, women don’t even understand these changes themselves. It is essential her husband make the effort to help her by making efforts to observe the particular time of the month when she becomes edgy. Although some men think it is unnecessary and something that has little to do with them, the truth is they are very wrong. When the woman of the house is happy, it affects everybody at home, just as her bad moods taint all. By going that extra mile to make it your business, you would be protecting your marriage from the wear of having too many contentious issues to resolve. With just a measure of little attention and action by both parties involved, some of the challenges that later become home-breakers can be averted. You also have to imbibe the habit of confiding and talking to her. Remember as your partner for life, she has a greater stake in your affairs. Engage her in all discussions because when the chips are down, she will be the only one standing by you. By talking to her, she becomes your best friend and confidant in addition to being your partner. As a friend, you are most likely to forgive her anything because this is what friends are meant for. In the bedroom, make sure you aren’t selfish. Good marriages take two to manage. Allow her the lead sometimes by encouraging her to experiment with ideas of her own. And when you take the lead, make sure you place her satisfaction too on the front burner. Always ask her if she is okay with whatever you are doing as a husband. To keep the romance burning, take her out occasionally, buy her gifts, send her romantic messages just as if you were both still dating. Also, by developing a keen sense of joke, you make things that ordinarily should be difficult easy to do. And as a father, always make out time for the children. Get to know their friends, what they are doing in school by attending some of their ceremonies. Create a family time for you all to talk and grow as a team. And as the head of the home, ensure you show the right example by your involvement in the things of God. There must be a family time to pray and fellowship with God daily, because He remains the head of every home. Besides, He is the only one you should allow into your marriage. Keep third parties out of your marriage at all times for peace to reign. In addition, always insist on settling every disagreement so it doesn’t build up to a level you both lose yourselves in the problems. Good luck.

Has she another boyfriend?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I met a girl on one of the social networks four months ago. Then, I was serving in Kaduna State while she was serving in Lagos State, but now, I am based in Lagos. I invited her to my office and she came. When she celebrated her birthday few weeks ago, I wanted to take her out that day, a Sunday, but she told me she would be with her boyfriend. Agatha, I like her and I desire to date her. What should I do? Do you think she has a boyfriend or she was just trying to pull my legs? Curious Boy. Dear Curious Boy, What makes you think she would lie about having a boyfriend? Isn’t she old enough to have one? What do you think would be her motive of lying to you about having a man in her life if she doesn’t? Often than not, the impression that women lie to mask their feelings for a man is an old line that has caused many men to lose the women that would have given them happiness in life. Not many women take kindly to being called liars especially the ones that have a very clear sight of where they are going to in life. Under normal circumstance, she should be in a very serious relationship, one that would lead to marriage in the not distant future by now. The fact that she disclosed the information on her birthday, when she would naturally want to celebrate, means she is telling the truth about the state of her private affairs. If she didn’t want you to know, is considering having a relationship with you, she wouldn’t have mentioned her boyfriend, rather she would come up with a reason other than the truth to explain her inability to spend her day with you. Besides, if she is in such a relationship, you don’t expect her to end it simply because you are interested in her. You won’t be the first man to have expressed an interest in her; other men before you too must have expressed their intentions in her. If she keeps considering every man that makes a pass at her, when will she be serious and settle down? Your feelings for her are natural. As long as a woman is attractive, no matter her age, men will always express a desire to have a space in her life. It is the way God made women and men. Therefore, what you feel for her is very natural but you must also accept the fact that she doesn’t need a reason not to feel that way about you. How would you feel if another man makes a move to take over your girlfriend? That she told you about wanting to be with her man on her birthday underscores her seriousness. The earlier you accept this, the better for you. It is important so you don’t destroy the friendship you are both trying to build with each other. Not every expression of love will end in a relationship, but every meeting can lead into a lifetime of quality and purposeful friendship. If you like and want her in your life, keep her as a friend. She doesn’t have to be your lover to share in your ideas and provide the necessary support. Some friendships have the capacity to last a lifetime when well managed by the pair involved. Respect and allow her be. Every relationship needs encouragement to grow and succeed. As a friend, you owe her this. Good luck. Dear Agatha, I have a boyfriend who either switches off his phone or simply refuses to respond to me whenever we have a misunderstanding and I apologise. I am at a loss on how to handle this situation. Worried Girl. Dear Worried Girl, This is a sign that you have to consider so many things before going deeper into this relationship because it is ominous — a sure signal that things are not the way they should be in your relationship. You don’t ignore things like this simply because you want to be in a relationship. At the end of the day, they become the very problems that will break up the relationship. They may appear minor but will become monsters of tomorrow. Since arguments and disagreements are vital parts of relationship building, now that you have the opportunity to either remedy the situation or reconsider your options, ask him why he thinks you deserve to be treated the way he is doing whenever you both have an argument. His answers will give you a reason, a peep into his mind. Ideal love should not seek to punish but to correct. By ignoring your calls even after you have offered apologies isn’t right. He should know exactly how you feel and the many disturbing questions you are jogging around your mind. What will be will be! Keeping quiet about it will not make it go away just as talking about it will end the relationship if God says you are both going to remain an item. My fear is, if you don’t set things right now, you will never be able to in the future. Good luck.

I beat up my husband’s mistress, now he’s married to her

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, How do I handle this problem that is threatening to tear my home apart? Last month, with the help of some of my friends, I went to the house of my husband’s mistress to beat her up. The result is my husband’s decision to marry her as his second wife and bring her to live in the same compound with us. He has started clearing the vacant flat downstairs for her to move in. He says since I have gone to unearth what he kept secret from me out of respect, he no longer has a reason to keep the other woman outside. In fact he has gone with his friends and family to pay her bride price. Perhaps the worst kind of betrayal is from one of my friends, the one who urged me on to fight the other woman. She accompanied my husband for the ceremony. She is the wife of his best friend and whom I learnt recently is also contending with the existence of a mistress in her own marriage. She knew about her husband’s girlfriend but never went to fight her; rather she kept her cool, pretending she didn’t know anything. Since the incident happened, she has kept her distance from me and is actually joining her husband in castigating my action. It was even her car my husband’s mistress used in packing some of her things into the house. I really don’t know what to do because right now, I feel like strangling her and my husband. Sometimes, I feel that someone is using juju to discredit my person. I have been married for 12 years and have managed to keep my home. Although my husband from the beginning has been complaining about my attitude to things, he has nevertheless managed me; so why now that things are looking very good for both of us and he is an honourable member of our state house of assembly? I have always had a temper and been extremely jealous and he has always been aware of these facts. If at all I have done anything wrong, shouldn’t I be reprimanded instead of him marrying another woman? In my own way, I have been a very good and dutiful wife to him. I am all alone; not even my siblings are supporting me. My parents are dead. My elder sister was recently awarded a big contract through my husband’s influence so she is also keeping her distance from me. He is also responsible for the welfare of my other siblings. In fairness to him, he is caring. Despite the latest development, he hasn’t denied me anything. Just last week, he bought me a brand new car for my birthday. I give it to him, he is a good man. But, I don’t want to share him at all. I want him all to myself. I am very upset about all that is happening to me. I feel like beating her up all over again. Unfortunately, there is no one to trust with my feelings, anger and sense of betrayal. I am hurting so much because I love my husband with all my heart. He is my world. Worried Wife. Dear Worried Wife, Please resist the urge to fight your husband’s second wife. Remember she isn’t his mistress anymore but his wife. You may not like her, the situation or circumstances but, she has the same status as you do in his life as well as the same rights. The fact that she is a new member of the family puts you at a very great disadvantage. Even if she is the one at fault, the fact of your position as the first wife, a hurting one for that matter who is known by everybody to be jealous and troublesome would make you guilty in the views of the world. You have done enough harm already; don’t complicate things for yourself by fighting her again. This is fate already accomplished. Except God decides otherwise, this woman has come to stay by your own foolishness and foul temper. Your attitude gave your husband the impetus to bring her home; a decision he wouldn’t have taken if you had not gone to disgrace and expose him to his political enemies. Granted, he is wrong but you are even more wrong for going to the house of the other woman to fight her with your friends. Two wrongs have never been known to produce positive results. What if the other woman had stripped you and a photojournalist was around to take pictures of you in that state for onward publication? How would you have explained the situation to the world? Do you think the publication would have aided or destroyed your husband’s political career? As the wife of a public officer, you are expected to be above board; to apply restraints even in the face of extreme provocations while in public. Besides the affair over which you went to fight is personal to you and your husband, something you could have tackled in the privacy of your home and not in public. By your actions, you have succeeded in devaluing your husband before his subjects. You also offended those who before now had sympathy for you. This perhaps informed the decision of your husband to bring the other woman home as his second wife so you won’t have the need to go and disgrace him anymore. That he didn’t throw you out, bought you a new car on your birthday, underscores his love for you. His decision to take a new wife maybe extreme but it is an indication that you have a lot of work to do on yourself and home. I know how you feel exactly but you will only be hurting yourself in more ways than one by dwelling on the past and the event that brought her home officially. The thing now is to move on by going back to the drawing board to re-plan your marriage and relationship with your husband. Don’t forget that his attention now is divided between you and his new wife. The earlier you accepted this fact, the best for you. You now have another woman sharing your space, so things have to be done differently to remain relevant in his life. The first place to begin is your temper. There is nothing one cannot change if determined to. This temper of yours has caused you so much. It is time to banish it from your life. The best revenge for the kind of friends you have is to ensure you remain in the marriage. Rather than fight her, go on your knees and ask God for help in controlling your impulsiveness. Tell Him to make you a better person, the kind of woman who is supportive, understanding, respectful and wise when dealing with her husband. Going to publicly fight his mistress shows that you don’t care about his career or his position in the society. A wise woman knows what not to do, no matter what. The truth is that men will be men especially a successful politician like your husband. If you keep exhibiting temper and jealousy at every woman seen with him, you will end up choking him out of existence. For now, ignore the existence of the other woman and work at winning him back. You have to daily give him reasons to value and appreciate your presence in his life by being his friend and number one supporter. Strive to make the home peaceful for him and the whole family. Although he has resolved this matter in his own way, still go and apologise to him. Where you once used force, be humble now. It won’t take anything from you to say sorry. It is a start for the complete healing of your home. Overtime, find ways of being cordial with the other woman. As a matter of fact, you have to take this step to water down the influence of your former friend in all your lives. Such people should be kept out of your home because she can do more harm than she has already done. Honestly, the way you handle this challenge will go a long way in determining the success of your home as well as the happiness of your children. This is the time for you to play the role of a mother more than that of a wife until your home stabilises. It is the price you have to pay for allowing friends determine your life for you. Depend more on God for counsel than friends. Good luck

Single at 39, my pride abhors the widower available…

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 39 years of age. In the opinion of everybody around me, I am extremely beautiful, a fact I am also very aware of. Ever since I was young, I have enjoyed the attention of men. Even when I don’t want such attentions, I still get them. So I got used to using my looks to my advantage, even to lure lecturers to give me a soft landing in my exams. None of my relationships lasted for long due to jealousy. I was always at loggerheads with any man in my life. Since my ways were working for me, I didn’t have any reason to bother. Overnight, I discovered that my less beautiful friends are today married with their own families. Only married men desire me. The single ones that trickle in are more interested in my body than having me for a wife. The beauty that worked for me back then seems to have become my fall. The reason I am writing has to do with my latest challenge. It has to do with the man I recently met in church, introduced to me by my pastor. According to my pastor, he is a widower. But the problem is that he isn’t my kind of man; he is short, ugly and below the standards of the men I have dated in my life. However, I am told by the pastor he is my husband; the man God wants to use in helping to remove my shame as a woman. According to my pastor, if I refuse to marry him, I will never get married in my life as God. He said the prayer of my mother is the reason I am being given this chance to marry. That God through His choice for me is to teach how to be humble. This is why I am writing for help. There is no way I can even bring myself to greet this man let alone have him for a husband. I can’t introduce him to any of my friends as the man in my life. We are worlds apart despite his claims to having a university degree in Accountancy. But like every woman my age, I am desperate to settle down and being a family of my own. All my younger sisters and brothers are married and happy with their partners. Everybody addresses me as madam. My nieces and nephews all address me as big mummy. I am so confused about everything. Please help me. Titi. Dear Titi, Are you sure you are serious about being married? From your e-mail, it is obvious that you aren’t serious about getting married at all; instead you are contented in glorifying in your beauty. Besides, what gives you the impression that the man after getting close to your person would want to marry you in the long run? No matter how desperate this man is, he wouldn’t, considering the memories of his late wife would want to risk living with a woman who has little or no respect for him. He needs a woman who is full of compassion, who is ready to assist him to heal from the horror of losing a loved one and not one who is more concerned about her looks and what friends would think of her choice. If your friends care so much about you, how come you are still single at your age and they are married with their own families? Should they have done something to help you settle down when they were contemplating their own marriages? But, it isn’t your friends who are lonely, getting expired on the viability shelf. They aren’t the ones being called big mummy when they are even yet to get the marriage proposals. A woman who is serious about her desire to end up in a man’s house doesn’t play the things you are playing up. At almost 40 you should have gone past the unrealistic phase of every woman to marry the tall, rich and handsome guy. If you are still single at your age, doesn’t it tell you that it is time to come down from your lofty heights and become real with yourself? What have you gained from dating the kinds of men you elected to date beyond heartache? I am sure if you are truthful, you will agree with me that beyond the temporary sexual and perhaps certain material gains, there is nothing meaningful in your life to point at. Life is much more than what we look on the inside. It is what we house inside of us. As you have found out from the many experiences you have had, good looks don’t guarantee happiness and satisfaction. Which is the real issue in all these. There is no way any man, even if ordered from Mars can ever give you the kind of joy and happiness you want if you lack the discipline to isolate your real self. Who are you? Beyond your looks, what do you have going for you? What can you offer a man in terms of quality contribution to his life and home? What kind of wife and mother will you make? If you were a man, would you go for a woman like you? I ask these questions because sex, which is what you have from your story offered men is the easiest and cheapest thing a woman can give a man. Therefore, it isn’t a reason for any man to want to hold down a bad marriage or any kind of marriage for that matter. For a woman to survive the politics of her husband’s house, she needs something much more to make her relevant in her husband’s life. And these things are not a woman’s look or performance in the bedroom. These are things you don’t have at all. Your mother by standing in gap for you may have bought you mercy from the Throne of Grace but you have to know what to do with it to make it work for you. There is no way you can be happy with a man if you maintain your arrogant posture. Much as nobody can force you into staying with a man you are not comfortable with, the fact remains that wisdom is integral to man’s existence. It is what makes the difference between failure and success. At this stage, you should sit down to examine what life has left to offer you. Forget what this man looks like to what he can offer you. Who is he like inside? Most of the time our glow and true nature come from within. We are mostly what we encase inside of us at all times. Our pleasantness, relationships, temperaments, attitudes and character as what we have inside of us. This is where our haughtiness and pride also come from. Whatever we are come from the inside. One maybe good looking on the outside, but if lacking in good manners becomes ugly. Give yourself a chance to be happy by listening to whatever he has to say. Train your mind to forget his looks. Behind every seemingly ugly person is a hidden treasure, the kind of beauty difficult to ignore. Granted yours is the surface kind of beauty, his could be the inner kind. It is like the raw gold; ugly at its most raw form but beautiful and precious after the goldsmith has endured the heat, pains of transforming it to the more common form women generally adore. There is no story without pains and disappointments. Life has more to offer than good looks. Explore what life offers you in the form of this man by opening your heart to listen to him. If you don’t divorce yourself from those feeling of worthless superiority you have, you will never get to know the real him. God that brought him your way has a reason. Humility is part of our transformation to God’s way; who at any rate is the most superior. Just as you are the image of God, this man you think is ugly represents a side of God, so to call him ugly is to question His ways. Pride always goes before fall. You have the right to seek clarification from God by learning to trust Him no matter what. Perhaps this will help you know what is most important at this stage of your life; being happy in life irrespective of what your friends think about your husband or making your friends happy while you cope with loneliness and unhappiness? The choice is yours. Good luck.

How do I tell her of my twins outside wedlock?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I got married 17 years ago to the most amazing woman. Although we are yet to have children of our own, my wife is outstanding and very supportive. When I lost my job, a year after we got married, she took on the responsibility of fending for us and even paying our rent. The money I eventually used in starting my business, she gave me. Although my family has severally tried to break us up, I have always stood my ground, always reminding them of those trying times when things were very difficult for me. Once or twice, I have played the field, but I have always come back home to my wife. One of those times was when I didn’t have a job and the frustration of staying at home all day really got to me. I had a serious thing with one lady I met at a bar I went to with my friends. She too was good to me and very pretty. Sincerely, if I wasn’t married or my wife wasn’t the nagging kind, I would have married that lady. The fact that she also left me without a word or a forwarding address also contributed to the end of the relationship. I doubt if I would ever have been able to let go of her. Quite by accident, I ran into the lady at a shopping mall where a friend of mine has his office about a month ago. She also has a shop there. Something stopped me from telling her why I came to the mall. I mumbled something about coming for shopping. She pointed her shop to me and I went in with her to talk. I noticed she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, so I asked if she was still single, she said yes but declared that she is a mother of two – a set of twins. I wanted to know who the father of the children was and why she didn’t marry their father. All I got from her was a simple answer of the man not being available to marry her. It was quite sometime when we parted that day. The children, according to her, were in boarding school. She didn’t give their ages and I didn’t force her for an answer. But I insisted on having her phone number, which she obliged me. About two weeks ago, I called her only for her to inform me that she was in the hospital with one of the twins. According to her, he fell while playing ball and hit his head on the ground. He has been unconscious since the incident. I told her I was coming down to the hospital to be with her. She said I shouldn’t bother, but since I knew the hospital I went despite her objections. In the ward, I saw a young lady, the mirror image of my elder sister and the boy on the bed the image of my elder brother, both of whom are twins. I am their Idowu. Something happened when my son woke up. He smiled and called me daddy. He said he saw me in his dream urging him to come back. He was discharged the next day hail and hearty. She later told me that evening why she kept the news of her pregnancy and births of the twins from me. She said she didn’t have the heart to break my home just as she couldn’t bring herself to abort the pregnancy then. She revealed it was her only chance of being a mother as doctors had told her after the abortion she had before meeting me that her chances of being pregnant again was very slim, if not impossible. I really want to have her and the children in my life, though I never planned to have two wives but I simply cannot walk away from this situation. Already, I have taken them to see my mother and siblings who are all very happy. In fact my elder sister is so smitten by the looks of the twins, she wants them to spend the holidays with her family. She has placed their picture in her living room. Her twin is also as excited. In their usual way they are fighting over who gets them first. Incidentally, none of them has twins. Agatha, I don’t know how to approach my wife with this news. God knows I didn’t plan it and would never do anything on earth to hurt her. I know this news will break her heart but it would be irresponsible on my part to turn my back on my children now. Some of my friends say I should keep my new family a secret from her, that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. I am really tempted to run with this. My family can always be persuaded not to tell her. The children and mother are also understanding of my predicament. What do you think Agatha? Idowu. Dear Idowu, When a man and woman make love without any form of protection, the man should be ready for a situation like this. It is unfortunate that someone else will have to suffer the pains, humiliation and betrayal of your actions. It is definitely going to be a deep anguish for this woman who has stood by you for 17 years, giving you her best and unconditional love. However, the harm has been done. Not telling her will not change the fact that you have children by another woman or wish the children away from your lives, so why complicate an already bad situation by keeping quiet about it? Sincerely, your final decision would depend on how much you cherish and love this woman. If you are genuine about your feelings for her, you will tell her irrespective of what it will cost you in terms of pride and humility. This is something you really have to do on your own, because it involves you begging her from the essence of your being. Nobody will ever be able to reach those places you can, so you just have to do it especially as she, from your own admission, has given you peace and respect as her husband. Not every woman who hasn’t given her husband a child would be that supportive of his business and happiness. I am sure if she were the kind that confides in some friends, they probably would have been urging caution on her part regarding how she spends on you and home. There is no way she wouldn’t have been warned by a friend that you will one day leave her for someone else due to her inability to have a child for you. She wouldn’t believe you didn’t do it deliberately. Who would? When a man is desperate for a child, he is capable of doing anything to have one. You will only be hammering home this statement by keeping quiet about something as important as this. Besides, she will never forgive you if she finds out from another person. By then it would be too late for you to redeem your marriage or for her to ever trust you again. This isn’t something you must rehearse for too long. The danger gets higher everyday of someone getting to her first. She will be very hurt to discover that not only did you not tell her about them but also you are keeping them away from her. Allow her to make the decision of whether or not she wants to get to know the children and their mother. As soon as possible, call her and narrate the truth to her. But before you do, tell a very close friend or relative of hers. Someone who won’t be critical of you in her presence; someone whose voice she respects. Once you break the news to her, call that person to come and stay with her. This is important to avert another tragedy. She deserves nothing but the truth after 17 years of being married to you. Don’t try to paint a picture of how you wished things turned out differently or how you didn’t plan it to happen. Even if true, she will never believe you and would appear as if you are trying to patronise her. Allow her to cry and deal with her hurt. This is something she has to do on her own. Be mindful that for now it will appear to her all her 17 years investment in you and her home have come to naught. She needs time, understanding and patience to overcome the shock of your betrayal. One thing that can help heal her quickly is the way you handle the successive events. Be clear on how your involvement with your children and their mother. If you want to marry the other woman, don’t pretend, be clear about it. It is best your wife knows what is in the can for her right now. It will aid her in making her decision. However, bring the other woman and the children home to meet with her. Prevail on the other woman to come and beg her as well as give her the chance to be with the children during the holidays. Avoid doing anything that will remind her of her inability to have a child. As the man at the middle of it all, you owe it to yourself to be fair to your wife at all times. She doesn’t deserve anything less from you at this critical time when the challenge in your marriage will be traced to her by everybody. Good luck.

Should I marry as HIV positive woman ?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am a lady of 26 years of age. I am worried, confused and afraid of going into a relationship because of my status. I am HIV positive, and most time when a man I really like approaches me for a relationship, I usually turn down such request, because of my status. Instead, I insist on being friends with such a man. With the way things are going in my life will I ever get married? Please I need your advice. Worried lady. Dear Worried Lady, Don’t condemn yourself on account of your status or help a man to make up his mind even before giving him a chance to know what the challenge before him is. Love has a way of making what appears imperfect become so perfect. There are some men and women who submit completely to the power and meaning of love no matter the package it comes in. These are the people who are ready to go the extra miles for the person they love. Haven’t you heard and seen very handsome or pretty women opting to marry extremely physically deformed persons on account of love? God in His wisdom has a way of balancing His acts. It is a simple matter of trusting Him completely. If you keep turning down every request made by men to date and get to know you, you will never get that important chance to discover the man meant for you. You have to give a man the chance to see beyond your looks, your status to the real you. The real you is what he is going to live with at the end of it all. Everything including sex, youth, beauty, health and agility will one day eventually fade away in life, but never the essence of one’s being. This is the part good and wonderful memories are made of – the part of our being that remains pure. How we live our lives, the kind of values and happiness we give to those around us come from here. For those who are deep and farsighted, this is what they look out for in their life partners. When the soul of a person is cast in solid gold of happiness and goodness, there is no way the partner will not overlook what he or she looks like on the outside. There is a huge life out there after testing positive to HIV. It is a matter of knowing what you want and going about it with a sense of huge responsibility. You won’ t be the first or the last. As long as you tell the man at the centre of your heart the truth concerning your status, give him a chance to make up his mind on whether to go ahead with you or not, then there is nothing to fear or ashamed of. The fact that you are HIV positive doesn’t necessarily make you promiscuous. The world is better informed these days sufficiently enough to know that there are other ways of contracting HIV that have nothing to do with sex. So also has the stigma and perceived horror of it reduced significantly. These days, the death sentence associated with the condition has given way to certain measure of optimism following break thorough in medical science on wonder drugs that can reduce the spread of the virus in the body. The boldness of certain people to tell the world the truth about their status and the good health they enjoy through the help of these drugs have also given hope to where none once existed. The result is a less fearful and tolerant society. More than anything else, a lot of people understand that despite testing positive to HIV, one can live a fairly normal life with an understanding partner. Besides having broken the barrier of being strangers to being friends, you can tell one or two people you know can for now keep your secret. The reason is to give yourself the needed boldness to face the reality of the situation on the ground. Honestly, this will determine your question of whether or not you will ever marry and have children. You will marry and have children if you stop taking pity on yourself by breaking the protective walls you have built around yourself. Break through come only after a spell of pains and disappointments. As a matter of fact, the stories are sweetest when they come after situations like yours. Learn to be more trusting in God and His unique ways because in His diction there is nothing called impossibility. When the right man comes, not even his family can stop him if God has ordered it. But you have to come out of your shell first. Good luck.

Does it make sense I tell my relatives she’s older?

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I will be 30 this month. I am still single and still a complete novice when it comes to the issue of women. Recently, I met a lady who will be 32 in two months time. I am seriously thinking of getting married to her. Nobody in my family is aware that she is two years older than I am. In my mind I am bothered that it might be a wrong move not to tell my family members. Don’t you think it is wrong for me not to tell my family about her age especially as her menopausal years aren’t too far away? Please I need your counsel? Ida. Dear Ida, Relationship or marriage is an agreement between two persons to share their feelings and lives. And for this arrangement to work perfectly, certain things have to remain between the couple forever. This is what makes a marriage more than a sexual union to being a spiritual, emotional as well as physical coming together of two complete strangers. The point a man or woman takes confidentiality between couples out of a relationship, the consequences is exposure to all kinds of damaging influences from outsiders whose views on how things should be done in one’s life is defined according to the every person’s selfish interests. Only God should be the third person in a marriage or relationship. There is no way your family will not shoot down your attempts to marry a woman older than you. It is natural for them to, because the thinking of a lot of people is stitched in time that a woman must be younger than her man for the sake of the order of things in the house. A younger woman is most likely to take orders from an older man than from one she is older than. But we know from the quality and experiences of many couples that being younger than one’s husband doesn’t translate to respect for him. Therefore the real issue here is what do you want from life? I think you should start from there first, and not bother yourself too much with her age or the fact that at 32, she is already into dining with menopause. Women who are a lot older than her still manage to get pregnant and have healthy babies. Medically at 32, she still has many good years ahead of her. As long as nothing is wrong with her womb or your reproductive system, don’t worry about the viability of her womb. She is just as capable of giving you healthy children as any younger woman can. Like I said, concentrate on getting to know her. Everybody is blessed with a special attribute, difficult to replicate in another person. That you found her worthy of your interest is a step towards finding out about her. Nobody in your family is going to live with you once the ceremony is over. So the woman you will be spending your life with has to be someone you are comfortable with as well as one you will like for the rest of your life. This is why the decision has to come from you. If you like her, study her. Observe the way she treats you when you are alone and when with friends. Is she the kind that respects you, will she support you no matter the situation, be more than a wife? Is she caring, supportive, understanding, has the right temper and loyal to you? Is she dependable and trustworthy? These are very critical points to ponder on more than the issue of her age. Since nobody in your family can guess she is older than you from looking at her, it means she isn’t looking her age at all. So why make an issue of it unless, you are the one who is really bothered and merely looking for an excuse to end the relationship. This is the point you must be very honest with yourself. It won’t serve any good to pretend you aren’t bothered about her age when in the real sense of it, you are. If you don’t see yourself being able to live with her with the knowledge that she is older than you, let her go. Be man enough to tell her your reasons and not use your family as an escapist route. Your answers are in your ability to face reality. Be real and be truthful to yourself. Good luck.

Can I be my lecturer’s lover?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, A young lecturer in my department is interested in dating me. Though he is nice and claims to be single, he has this reputation of being a womaniser. I don’t want to get hurt. Besides, I don’t want people to query my certificate. What do I do? I am confused and I need your help. Vina. Dear Vina, Although there is no law prohibiting romance from developing between a single lecturer and his female student, the motive of the relationship has to be right and well focused. What is his interest in you? To sleep with you for the fun of it simply because he is in the position to extract revenge if you don’t by failing you in his course or he sees you as a young and promising woman he has interest in? It is also a function of what you want from life and your vision of the kind of man that will help you to achieve these dreams in life. If he wasn’t your lecturer, would you date him? Do you consider him worthy of your attention and feelings? Be real with yourself at this important point of your life. In plain English, do you have any kind of feelings for him and simply scared of giving it freedom to fly because he is your lecturer? Granted, being a womaniser is bad news for any woman wishing to date a man, however, a clear understanding between the two of you can straighten this rough edge. It is a matter of knowing where your individual limitations are and the motive for entering into the relationship. That you are dating a lecturer doesn’t automatically nullify your certificate in the eyes of the world or makes you a subject of gossip. A lot depends on how responsible you both are and the caution you apply to your affairs. If his intention is to marry you at the end of your course, there is no way he would allow you to play with your studies. Often than not, gossips and questions come about from the kind of attitude the woman at the centre of such sensitive relationship puts up. If you are an exhibitionist, it will attract unnecessary attention and interest in your private affairs. But if you are able to handle it maturely by knowing when to make your affair private as well as when to make it public, nobody will make an issue out of a student dating a young lecturer in search for a life partner. If you really think there is a possibility, listen to what he has to say but be clear on certain things you want. But a word of caution here, don’t assume you know what he wants from you. Give him the chance to explain what he has in mind. Thereafter, make obvious from the beginning that your reason for dating him. Also, he has to do away with all his excess loads. And the only way you can be sure is to insist that until you graduate, there will be nothing intimate between both of you. This way, you will be able to correctly tell what his real interest in you really is. If he agrees to a sex-free relationship, nothing should stop you from following your heart. In life, our individual happiness is very essential. Don’t live your life for others because what works for some people may not work for others. The only barrier here is you. If you like him, begin by being friends. And if you don’t, explain your reasons for not wanting to be part of his life. Make it clear to him that inasmuch as you like and respect him as a person, you don’t have the kind of feelings to enter into a romantic relationship with him. Let him know that the feelings have to be right before you allow any man into your space or occupy your heart. Let him know that it is nothing personal. Plead with him that you wish you could manufacture the feelings to give him what he wants. If he now insists on victimising you for turning him down, go to God in prayers for directions on how to handle the situation. There must be one or two persons close to him you can report him to. Do that and if it fails to achieve the desired result, threaten to report him to the authorities should he award you low marks. On your part, fight back with your intelligence and self-confidence by studying to pass very well. Only excellent grades can authenticate your story of sexual molestations against him should he take that path. Furthermore, having the right kind of conduct will make it difficult for him to turn the case against you. Good luck.

How do I prepare my daughter for marriage?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com Dear Agatha, I am an orphan who grew up in a motherless babies’ home. According to records, my mother abandoned me by a dustbin where I was found. I didn’t particularly like life at the motherless babies’ home but I didn’t have a say in the matters concerning my life. Fortunately, I went to school, got a job and left the home to be on my own. I was able to further my education to the university level. My first attempt at a relationship got me pregnant. Unfortunately, my partner died before he could introduce me to his family. Since I had a good job, it wasn’t difficult for me to fend for my daughter and myself. She became the centre of my world, especially as she looked like her father. After the birth of my daughter, I was able, through the help of his best friend, to locate his family. His parents were very nice and accepted the child without too much questions. According to them, they didn’t doubt the paternity of the child since she reminded them so much of their dead son. They took care of the child and I as best as they could. When the dad died, being their only child, they passed on everything they had to her. I didn’t marry because I wanted her to have the best of my love and care. I didn’t want her to feel loneliness like I did when I was her age. I wanted her to be very happy and secured; something I may not be able to give her should I marry. Now, she is about to marry and this is the area I need your help. It has always been the pair of us. I don’t know anything about marriage or what it entails for it to be very successful. I have done my best as a mother to train her to be responsible but there is the fear in my heart that I haven’t done enough to prepare her for this particular task of being a wife. I am very independent-minded and have taught her to be too. But something tells me deep inside that this may not be too good for the well being of the home. I know my child; she can be very irrational and argumentative, but she is an angel inside. How do I prepare her for the institution? What do I tell her, given the fact that I have never experienced matrimony? I want her to be a good wife and mother to her family. She is 27 and her wedding is on July 28. Please, help me make my girl’s home happy. I don’t want anybody saying she failed because she is a product of a single parent. I want her to keep whatever you say as a treasure. Incidentally, she is a great fan of yours; hence I plan to bind all the copies of your Marriage Clinic into a form of book for her as a wedding gift. Enitan. Dear Enitan, You come across as a very good and reasonable mother; an assurance that you have given her the right foundation to be a good wife to her husband. It is immaterial if you have been married or not. Motherhood is about helping our children value life in the right ways. Your concern demonstrates this fact. With your kind of mother, I doubt if she would make the mistake many young girls make concerning the management or otherwise of their homes. Every woman desirous of enjoying the support and desires of her husband must learn to be respectful. No matter her level of education, position or influence, the fact that she is leaving you to take on the name of another man means she should at all times be respectful to the man and his family. In the home of that man, she is your ambassador, the one who tells the kind of training you have given her. Therefore, at all times, it behooves her to show humility and deference to her man. No matter the kind of provocation she experiences, what he does, she must never raise her voice against him or join issues with him when tempers are high because two wrongs can never be right. At such times, she should simply keep quiet and allow him be before explaining her side of the story. Tell her a marriage isn’t a court of law where one has to claim rights always. Even when right, wisdom demands she should learn to let go for peace sake. Men have this natural tilt towards authority. As the head and leader of the home, it is his right to be obeyed even when it is wrong to do so. At least for that moment, she should learn to until she gets her time to voice her concern and reservations about certain decisions she isn’t pleased with. To argue with him when the iron is still very hot will cause commotion in the house. Marriage is a market place of patience, tolerance, selflessness, caution, loyalty, prayers, friendship, understanding and wisdom. Every action she takes must be thoroughly thought out before she makes them. This is to prevent misunderstanding and hurtful words that cannot be retrieved when the situation eases off. At all times, she should be careful about the kind of words she uses on her husband or children because of the power of words. This means she must be on her knees everyday, praying her family into peace and success. In the same way, she should pray out those things she doesn’t want in her marriage. Talking to God about a problem lessens the burden of fighting or nagging her husband. It also makes it easy for her to say sorry easily to her husband. At all times, she should involve God in her marriage. His presence clears the fog of disharmony. Tell her that love is like cultivating a beautiful garden of precious flowers. For the garden to grow and remain evergreen, it requires time, attention, devotion, patience and extreme care to bring out the best of the plant and from the layout. It is the same way with growing, nurturing and keeping a marriage. Weeds, in the form of impatience, careless words, neglect and lack of attention have to be kept out of the marriage at all costs. To keep them is to bore a huge hole in the heart of the marriage; the kind that gets wider if care is not taken on time to patch things up. Tolerance is about knowing when to ignore and say certain things. It is also appreciating when to let go completely of some matters for the sake of peace and happiness in the long run. This is important; letting go is essential because marriage is about two completely different people coming together to make a life. This is why she has to let go because values and ideas are different. Allowances must be made in every marriage for the peculiarity of the other person’s strength and weakness. Her job as a wife is to always cover up her husband’s weak points, never letting an outsider know what these weaknesses are. She must, at all times, be available when her husband desires her body and presence. Romance should be exciting and lovemaking adventurous Sometimes too, it isn’t just about lovemaking but about having quality time as a couple to discuss and bond. This would make it easy for them to become more than lovers to being firm friends. When couples become good friends, they are able to develop the kind of relationship no challenge can permeate; rather they become so attached to each other that they are able to joke about seemingly serious matters tearing down other marriages. No matter how busy she gets as a wife, mother and person, she should never make the mistake of neglecting her home or the food her husband eats to the care of a house-help. A wise woman cooks her husband’s meals, washes his clothes and keeps his home clean. Allowing another woman do these intimate chores is like conceding her territory to the woman. Her husband’s care should be her business. She should also make out time to take her husband out, including for very naughty weekends; sending romantic and suggestive test messages, buying him gifts as not just his wife but as his girlfriend. The idea is to engage and keep his interest at home always. A woman should be able to play the role of her man’s girlfriend and wife effortlessly. It is the method wise women have used to keep their homes fresh and exciting. She should never be shy to introduce an idea or method to her romance with her husband. If she fails to do so, other smart women will, which would spell danger to her home. She should also learn to endure her in-laws. Having a liberal mind helps her to view things more objectively rather than sentimentally. This will help her in no small way to keep her immediate family together. Good grooming is also a factor in a successful marriage. She should always strive to look her best. In all, marriage is a journey of eternity. She should be determined to make it work at all cost. Good luck.

I’m the houseboy, sex machine, alias husband…

Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, Two years ago, I met and married this woman eight years older than I am. As at the time I met her, I was desperate for financial assistance. My business wasn’t going as it ought to. Nothing seems to be going in my favour. My girlfriend of five years was also mounting pressure on me to get married because time wasn’t on her side anymore at 32. I was getting fed up with everything when she chanced into my life. Right in front of my office, her car broke down. Observing her through the windows, I knew she knew next to nothing about car. She looked like one used to giving orders and being driven. I had to come down the stairs to assist her with the car. That was how we became friends. Before I knew what was happening we had become a pair. Naturally my girlfriend, who got very angry and upset with the whole thing, fought her. It was all the excuse I needed to end the relationship. Despite pleas from family members and friends, I ignored everybody and went ahead with my decision to marry this woman who by then had given me N2million to boost my business. Without informing my family, I agreed to go to the Registry with her. I only informed my parents after the ceremony was over. Her friends were our witnesses. It was after I married her that the scale fell from my eyes. I am nothing but a glorified houseboy and sex machine. I also discovered that her children, three of them, are fathered by different men who are responsible for her upkeep. They are all influential men, from the three main tribes of Nigeria. They all pay her well to keep the children off public glare. She is equally into blackmailing these men for one juicy contract or the other. When any of these men comes to the house, she introduces me as one of her staff. That day, she would not allow me near her room and right in my presence sleeps with them. Any attempt by me to assert my position as her husband usually meet with denial of money and the little luxury she allows me. Sometimes when her other male friends come, she sends me to sleep in the boy’s quarters. The children neither respect any of her friends nor me. On two occasions, she actually urged me to sleep with one of her friends; when I refused, she ordered my office closed and all the cars I drive seized. Whenever I oppose her, she will cut me off everything. She only allows me near when she needs me in her bed. I feel used. The worst thing is that my former girlfriend found someone else and got married about a month ago. I discovered I still love her and want her back in my life. My business isn’t moving as I want to. I feel so helpless and don’t know what to do. From the little I have seen of her, she won’t hesitate to kill me if I attempt to leave her. She is too connected for someone like me to mess around with. The beating up of one lady I tried to date early this year shows she can be very ruthless. I feel like I am in prison. Please how to do I get out of this can of marital bondage I have committed myself into? I want a real marriage where I can have children. This woman isn’t ready to have children with me. She married me for reasons best known to her. The only time I ate her meal was the day we got married. I get invited to her room whenever she needs me. I don’t know what to do at all. Terry. Dear Terry, You have a choice to continue to live under the conditions she has imposed on you or do the manly thing of walking out of the charade you call a marriage. Even though you married her out of selfish reasons, greed to get access to her money, the fact that she sleeps with other men under your nose is enough reason for you to file for a divorce if you want to. This is in addition to asking you to sleep with her friends. You have every ground to ask for an annulment of this marriage. But it is something you must be prepared to go through. Nobody can make you stay if you don’t want to. You are still married to her and enduring the situation because of greed. Another man would have asked to leave the very first time she introduced you as her staff to her male friends. The fact that you stayed, agreed to play the role of a staffer while the men slept in her room portrays you as a young man determined to do anything for money. Unless you are truthful to yourself, you will never have the motivation to end this thing. If you are honest with yourself, you must have seen one or two signs in the beginning that told you the kind of person and marriage you were going into. But because you wanted to reap where you didn’t sow, you went into it ignoring the pains your action would bring on your ex and your parents. The woman settled for you because she knew from the beginning that you aren’t the kind of man that would give her problems in her business and life. She wanted someone she could cage, bend to fit into her cupboard of tricks to play the role of a husband to her. She threw some money at you and you did exactly what she wanted. The fact that you were willing to turn your back on your five-year-old relationship and parents for the chance to marry her confirmed her précis of you. Only greed could have made a man act the way you did. It is rather too late in the day to wish for your ex. God has compensated her with another man. So allow her be. You clearly didn’t value her when you had her to yourself. Another man did and has demonstrated that by marrying her. There are two major kinds of marriages. One we go into with love and happiness, and the other with the motive of greed. Sincerely, beyond telling you to take a complete work from this marriage, there is no other help that can be offered you. But one thing is for certain, once you get to that point when you can no longer endure the humiliation, the fear you have of her killing you or doing something to you will disappear. That is the point when your endurance level disappears; the peak when the fear you have now will completely disappear. By then, the urge to be free and have a proper marriage, live within your means and grow the needed respect as a man will make you act. But until that time comes, nobody can make you see reason because right in the middle of your dissatisfaction with her now is her refusal to give you the kind of money you expected from her. Granted that you sometimes have the vision of having a normal marriage, you are still too much into what you can get from her. You must be honest enough to ask yourself why you married her. Once you are clear about this, you will know what to do with yourself, life and this marriage. No life is worth its glow without certain measure of risks. In the same way, there are different kinds of deaths. You can elect to stay in this marriage and kill your essence as a man or take the risk of being killed by recovering your self worth as man. Good luck.