With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
Three years ago, the man I truly loved and who was committed to my happiness and well-being was involved in a motor accident that led to a deformity in one of his legs. I couldn’t withstand the sight of him limping. Then it was very conspicuous, I felt embarrassed by his presence. My friends and mother all urged me to leave him for another guy that was also very interested in me.
As a matter of fact, my mother actually drove him away from our house. She told him, she wouldn’t be alive to see her only daughter marry a physically challenged man.
My father was very angry with my mother but there was little he could do because my mother was the head of the home. She made all the rules without seeking the inputs of my father.
We grew up to meet them that way. From an early age, we all knew who is the power base in our home.
My mother also had this set of friends who were always in competition with each other. They were always striving to outdo the other and were constantly putting the other down. I am sure it was one of the reasons my mother supported me to leave him. She didn’t want her friends mocking her when they had at one time or the other openly expressed envy at his good looks as well as generous support of my family.
My father tried to talk me out of ending the relationship. He not only said it was unfair but that posterity will never forgive me for abandoning him when he needed me the most. He was also of the view that his limps would improve with time and that if I truly love him, I should be proud to be by his side.
It was like putting water on the back of a duck because my mother had already concluded everything. She had already gone to his house to warn him off me.
I was too timid to fight my mother who idea of life then beclouded mine.
Four months after, I was married to the other guy in an elaborate wedding ceremony that was the talk of down and the delight of my mother.
But that was as far happiness went in my marriage. The man wasn’t only a brute, but wicked. He concealed his true character from everyone.
Severally, I have slept on the balcony because he won’t allow me into the house. Because of the money and big house involved, my mother refused to accept that I wasn’t happy and that I need to leave before someone got killed.
His attempt one night to suffocate me led to my fighting back. I broke his head with a side stool. It was very tough that night as we both ended in the Police Station. Fortunately, the District Police Officer (DPO) was very understanding and did his best to calm fray nerves.
At the end of the day, he called me privately to leave the house if I wanted to live. He said, from what he observed of my husband, he was beyond reason.
He even asked to speak with my parents.
The issue now is that my first boyfriend is still unmarried and I really want him back. I have tried twice to make him talk to me, but he refused to answer my calls let alone see me.
Please help me. I have discovered my mistake that I shouldn’t have left him. His friends and family have made it clear they don’t want me near him. I have come to realise how much he means to me.
Agatha, help me.
Selina.
Dear Selina,
Would you have considered going back to your ex if your marriage had worked? In his shoes, would you take a man who walked out on you at your most helpless state? Can you imagine the pains, disappointments as well as horror he suffered when you ended the relationship on account of the accident? If you were his sister or mother, would you allow your son to marry your kind of woman?
What has changed between then and now to make you want to go back to him? Has he stopped limping? Would you no longer be embarrassed by his limp when you both go on outing? Do you now have the confidence and love to be by his side at all times?
For how long do you intend to stay before your mother pressures you into another relationship? And have you developed the stamina to withstand your mother’s disregard for your person and feelings?
I don’t think going to your ex should be the first thing to do. There are still several steps for you to take before you can think of going back to him or having another man in your life for that matter.
Your major problem is your mother. Without you addressing the issue of your mother and her attitude, you will never be happy in the choices you end up with in life. She will never tire of meddling in your affairs and will continue to insist things are done her way until you stop her.
One of the ways to get control of your life is to move away from where your mother is. Having been married once, you can stay on your own. If you can relocate to where it won’t be easy for her to come and go when she likes, away from where your progress and choices can be monitored by her friends.
You need the space to discover who you really are; access your ability as a woman and think of what you really want from life. It is also important you review your parents’ marriage as well as your own contribution to your failed marriage.
The fact that your husband was beating you doesn’t make him the sole culprit of your problem filled marriage. He might have his faults as a man and person, but if you are truthful, his temper cannot come without some help from you.
There is no way you would live and grow with your kind of mother without you imbibing one or two things from her. Chances are that you may also have grown to be domineering and disrespectful of the position of your husband. Not every man would be like your father who can endure your kind of mother without reacting violently. A lot of men in your father’s position will fight back to be recognised as the ultimate head of the house.
You may not know it, but you might have exhibited the same attitude of your mother in your home.
The fact that you agreed not to marry your former boyfriend on account of his slight physical challenge underscores your tilt towards your mother’s way of life. If you weren’t so inclined towards the attitude of your mother, you would have resisted her attempts to play games with your life.
This is the time for you to take stock of your person. Make contact with the real you, the person your mother has trained you to be first. This is imperative because even if this other man takes you back, chances are you may still walk away from it all the moment your mother shows up with one reason to leave him.
As you are now, you can never make any man happy until you wrestle yourself from the claws of your mother. Although you didn’t give your age, the fact that you are old enough to marry shows you are a young adult. Therefore take complete charge of your life if you want to be happy with any man.
That you are refusing to tow your mother’s line doesn’t make you a disrespectful child. At a point in life, we become responsible for our actions. Nobody is going to blame your mother anymore for your mistakes; you get blamed for whatever is happening to you.
It is still early days for you to positively chart the pattern of your life.
As for the question of how to help you get your former boyfriend back, it is beyond me because a lot of things are tied to it. The first is the issue of trust. Do you think he can ever trust you again? On the tail of this, is getting married less than four months after you ended the relationship with him. How can you convince him that your husband hasn’t always been on the scene?
Besides, you are still legally married to your husband. The law says you cannot get a divorce until two years after breakdown of a marriage. Do you expect this man, assuming he is willing to take you back, to wait for two years?
There are too many complications already in your life. You will end up hurting any man who comes close to you as you are now.
Trust your life and plans to God. Settle the issue of your current marriage first. You may just discover that once certain things change the man too would change. Remember, you are in this mess because you didn’t think out your plans properly the first time. Don’t make the same mistake twice. Patience is a virtue in life.
Good luck.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Despite his aloofness, his mother urges patience
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
This is the detail to the publication on Thursday, January 19, titled, “I’m not ready, can she go for another man.” I know like I tried to explain to you on phone, that my boyfriend sent you that mail.
We were friends for more than one year before we started dating. We dated for four years and were never intimate because I told him from the beginning I was not interested in that aspect of our relationship.
I am part of his education; I paid his school fees and many other things. I did this because I have no intentions of marrying an uneducated man.
You can therefore imagine my pains when he told me he couldn’t marry me, because I lack a good character as well as not being compatible as a couple. I really love him because he has a good character and comes from a good family. I certainly hoped to have my children in that kind of home and live the rest of my life there because it was what I have always wanted.
Although we do quarrel, but he always come back to beg me to stay, but the real problem started recently when I asked him to take me to his parents. He refused on the grounds that it wasn’t the right time. I don’t know any of his friends or family members, but because of the love I have for him, I didn’t mind. I patiently waited for him to graduate.
After pleading with him on many occasions for me to meet with his parents, I finally managed to get his mother’s number on his phone and later called her to explained everything. His mother assured me of settling the matter between two of us when he comes back from the village and pleaded with me not to leave her son. His mother has been begging him on phone to reconcile with me.
I am in my final year in school, but it doesn’t matter, I can wait for him as long as it is what I want. I want a home where I will be able to achieve my aim in life not just getting married for marrying sake. I don’t want to have problems with my marriage in future such that I will not consider getting a divorce. And later I will be thinking of divorcing, this is why despite the many suitors coming my way, I prefer him. He is the kind of man I want in my life and no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in future, I love him enough to weather the storm with him.
Now the issue is, aside his mother telling me to exercise patient, I don’t know what to do. I want him in my life and my mother is aware of him and our challenges. She advised me to patiently wait for him. I have been praying for God to touch his heart and I’m also begging him. Please I need your advice because I don’t want to make a mistake in life.
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
There is no challenge or issue patience cannot subdue. Endurance is priceless and a strong tool in avoiding regrets in relationships. Besides, there is no relationship without certain amounts of sacrifices.
The higher the sacrifice the better the end results would be. If his mother is pleading with you to be patient, listen to her because she knows her son more than anyone else. She has said she doesn’t want either of you to regret any decision made in haste. This flows from what she knows that you don’t know.
Most men are not equipped with this attribute. Any woman who wants to enjoy her marriage must be able, through patience, to manage her man well. And one of the tools a wise woman uses is respect. Good enough, your man in his letter said you have everything he wants in a woman, which means it is not your person that is the problem in this relationship. This is why his mother says you should not be in a hurry to quit for whatever reason.
There are four categories of men out there. Those that want a woman and go for her, those that avoid the woman they don’t want, and those that say one thing but are in fact thinking of the very opposite of what they are saying as well as those that simply don’t know what they want.
In your boyfriend’s case, he appears, for now, not to know what he wants. Like most men his age, he wants the freedom to play in the field a little bit, wants to enjoy the full benefit of his age before he settles. This is why he keeps urging you to settle for one of the many suitors coming your way.
He isn’t thinking too much of a tomorrow, because he is scared of contemplating the challenges that go with getting serious with a woman. He isn’t the first man to develop cold feet at the prospect of getting serious with a woman neither would he be the last. He needs assurances from you that he isn’t about to make a costly mistake.
Another thing that could be responsible for his attitude may not be unconnected with the role you played in his education. The fact that you paid his fees as well as provided for his needs is more than enough to get him petrified or any man for that matter. The clear message of our action is that you are capable of taking care of your needs, hence may not need a man.
I know that isn’t your intentions, but a lot of men can be intimidated by such a woman.
This is why you have to be careful it doesn’t appear to him that you are demanding marriage as a form of pay back for the help you rendered him. Allowing him to make up his mind would help both of you in future to be truly happy. You have to give him the space to see you as his woman, desire you sufficiently to want to spend the rest of his life with you without doubts. The moment the doubts linger, he would always wonder if he got married to you as a form of gratitude or from a desire to do so.
The danger of him getting married to you with this kind of nagging feelings on his mind is the lack of respect and devotion you deserve from him.
The other angle is fear. How is he going to control and perhaps exercise authority over the woman who trained him? Here the onus is on you to assure him that you will never take advantage of the help you freely offered him; that you will not make reference to it when you have disagreement or act it when you are angry with him. Some women just don’t know when to apply the brakes on their temper when angry. They are always quick to remind not just the man of their contribution to his life, but also to anybody who cares to listen. While he may not out rightly tell you all these as his real reasons, you must, if you are serious about being with him forever, initiate dialogue along that line. It is also important you dispel any misgiving that you may be desperate to marry him at all cost. Don’t make you conversation sound like blame trading; rather let him understand that it comes from a deep desire to source for long lasting solutions to the challenge both of you are making. To achieve positive results, listen more to him and be prepared to make more sacrifices if the need arises for the sake of keeping your relationship on track. While assuring him of your love, make it clear you are ready, even if you will be hurt of your willingness to respect whatever decision he comes up with at the end of the day.
This is to communicate your desire for him to be happy to him. As a woman, your first duty is to ensure the man in your life is happy and comfortable with you as a woman. It makes other difficult aspects of two strangers coming together to make a life easier to fashion out. He must know that you have the ability as well as stamina irrespective of human failures, to help him confront his worst nightmares in life especially as it affects the uncertainty of tomorrow.
Therefore, don’t for whatever reason refuse to talk to him. There is always huge benefit in keeping the line of communication opened between two friends. Once both of you get into the habit of communicating as friends, a lot of these issues plaguing your relationship would become things of the past.
It would make it easier for both of you to focus your strength on the right areas while letting go of those aspects that are not important.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
This is the detail to the publication on Thursday, January 19, titled, “I’m not ready, can she go for another man.” I know like I tried to explain to you on phone, that my boyfriend sent you that mail.
We were friends for more than one year before we started dating. We dated for four years and were never intimate because I told him from the beginning I was not interested in that aspect of our relationship.
I am part of his education; I paid his school fees and many other things. I did this because I have no intentions of marrying an uneducated man.
You can therefore imagine my pains when he told me he couldn’t marry me, because I lack a good character as well as not being compatible as a couple. I really love him because he has a good character and comes from a good family. I certainly hoped to have my children in that kind of home and live the rest of my life there because it was what I have always wanted.
Although we do quarrel, but he always come back to beg me to stay, but the real problem started recently when I asked him to take me to his parents. He refused on the grounds that it wasn’t the right time. I don’t know any of his friends or family members, but because of the love I have for him, I didn’t mind. I patiently waited for him to graduate.
After pleading with him on many occasions for me to meet with his parents, I finally managed to get his mother’s number on his phone and later called her to explained everything. His mother assured me of settling the matter between two of us when he comes back from the village and pleaded with me not to leave her son. His mother has been begging him on phone to reconcile with me.
I am in my final year in school, but it doesn’t matter, I can wait for him as long as it is what I want. I want a home where I will be able to achieve my aim in life not just getting married for marrying sake. I don’t want to have problems with my marriage in future such that I will not consider getting a divorce. And later I will be thinking of divorcing, this is why despite the many suitors coming my way, I prefer him. He is the kind of man I want in my life and no matter the circumstances we find ourselves in future, I love him enough to weather the storm with him.
Now the issue is, aside his mother telling me to exercise patient, I don’t know what to do. I want him in my life and my mother is aware of him and our challenges. She advised me to patiently wait for him. I have been praying for God to touch his heart and I’m also begging him. Please I need your advice because I don’t want to make a mistake in life.
Worried Girl.
Dear Worried Girl,
There is no challenge or issue patience cannot subdue. Endurance is priceless and a strong tool in avoiding regrets in relationships. Besides, there is no relationship without certain amounts of sacrifices.
The higher the sacrifice the better the end results would be. If his mother is pleading with you to be patient, listen to her because she knows her son more than anyone else. She has said she doesn’t want either of you to regret any decision made in haste. This flows from what she knows that you don’t know.
Most men are not equipped with this attribute. Any woman who wants to enjoy her marriage must be able, through patience, to manage her man well. And one of the tools a wise woman uses is respect. Good enough, your man in his letter said you have everything he wants in a woman, which means it is not your person that is the problem in this relationship. This is why his mother says you should not be in a hurry to quit for whatever reason.
There are four categories of men out there. Those that want a woman and go for her, those that avoid the woman they don’t want, and those that say one thing but are in fact thinking of the very opposite of what they are saying as well as those that simply don’t know what they want.
In your boyfriend’s case, he appears, for now, not to know what he wants. Like most men his age, he wants the freedom to play in the field a little bit, wants to enjoy the full benefit of his age before he settles. This is why he keeps urging you to settle for one of the many suitors coming your way.
He isn’t thinking too much of a tomorrow, because he is scared of contemplating the challenges that go with getting serious with a woman. He isn’t the first man to develop cold feet at the prospect of getting serious with a woman neither would he be the last. He needs assurances from you that he isn’t about to make a costly mistake.
Another thing that could be responsible for his attitude may not be unconnected with the role you played in his education. The fact that you paid his fees as well as provided for his needs is more than enough to get him petrified or any man for that matter. The clear message of our action is that you are capable of taking care of your needs, hence may not need a man.
I know that isn’t your intentions, but a lot of men can be intimidated by such a woman.
This is why you have to be careful it doesn’t appear to him that you are demanding marriage as a form of pay back for the help you rendered him. Allowing him to make up his mind would help both of you in future to be truly happy. You have to give him the space to see you as his woman, desire you sufficiently to want to spend the rest of his life with you without doubts. The moment the doubts linger, he would always wonder if he got married to you as a form of gratitude or from a desire to do so.
The danger of him getting married to you with this kind of nagging feelings on his mind is the lack of respect and devotion you deserve from him.
The other angle is fear. How is he going to control and perhaps exercise authority over the woman who trained him? Here the onus is on you to assure him that you will never take advantage of the help you freely offered him; that you will not make reference to it when you have disagreement or act it when you are angry with him. Some women just don’t know when to apply the brakes on their temper when angry. They are always quick to remind not just the man of their contribution to his life, but also to anybody who cares to listen. While he may not out rightly tell you all these as his real reasons, you must, if you are serious about being with him forever, initiate dialogue along that line. It is also important you dispel any misgiving that you may be desperate to marry him at all cost. Don’t make you conversation sound like blame trading; rather let him understand that it comes from a deep desire to source for long lasting solutions to the challenge both of you are making. To achieve positive results, listen more to him and be prepared to make more sacrifices if the need arises for the sake of keeping your relationship on track. While assuring him of your love, make it clear you are ready, even if you will be hurt of your willingness to respect whatever decision he comes up with at the end of the day.
This is to communicate your desire for him to be happy to him. As a woman, your first duty is to ensure the man in your life is happy and comfortable with you as a woman. It makes other difficult aspects of two strangers coming together to make a life easier to fashion out. He must know that you have the ability as well as stamina irrespective of human failures, to help him confront his worst nightmares in life especially as it affects the uncertainty of tomorrow.
Therefore, don’t for whatever reason refuse to talk to him. There is always huge benefit in keeping the line of communication opened between two friends. Once both of you get into the habit of communicating as friends, a lot of these issues plaguing your relationship would become things of the past.
It would make it easier for both of you to focus your strength on the right areas while letting go of those aspects that are not important.
Good luck.
Getting married in March but still in love with my ex
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
My wedding is slated for the first Saturday in March. The invitations are already out and everything has been ordered for. We have even paid for the venue.
Until last month, everything was going well for me. I honestly thought I loved my husband to be with all my heart and that no man could ever come between us. But how wrong my projection of my life is turning out to be.
A chance meeting with my first love after about 16 years is what is threatening my well-planned life.
I honestly didn’t plan for this to happen but every woman who has been in love before knows what it feels like to meet the first man in her life, after a long time of separation.
Though he left me for my best friend, at the time we met, all those details didn’t matter. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. It brought back all the wonderful memories of all those wonderful time we had before my friend came between us.
I discovered that he is divorced after two children from my friend who, according to him, now lives in England.
He decided to come home after being away for such a long time to attend to his father’s business.
He wants us to begin again. He has apologised to me and I am tempted to take him back because I feel good being with him.
I haven’t told anyone about him because I know nobody will ever support me. I am 38, have been so lucky to find my current boyfriend who is 45 and widowed. He has been my pillar of support and truly shows an extraordinary love and kindness towards my family and me.
But this is about my love life, about my happiness. I am so confused about what is happening to me. My current relationship is three years old while my first love and I go back a long way.
Please help me because I don’t know how to tackle what I feel for my first love.
Iyabo.
Dear Iyabo,
Being human and a woman, I understand the power of first love. But, I also understand the many sentiments we women sometimes put into play when serious matters come up.
However, more than you, I recognise the danger such unreasonable and not well thought out emotions can cause in the life of a person.
No doubt, you have the right to your life, spend it with whosoever you want to, but you are not an Island, which means, your decisions would also affect others close to you.
It is therefore important you put into consideration the feelings of these other people who would be affected by your decision, suffer your shame and pains, if you decide to go ahead with your plans. It is called respect for the feelings of others since this matter has gone beyond ‘what you want’ to ‘what others also want’.
Sixteen years ago, when he walked out on you to marry your best friend with whom he has two kids, whatever you both felt for each other then was limited to you two. Then, it wasn’t the business or pains of the collective. Those who knew then didn’t think of anything before given you their support and understanding to get back on your feet.
Now the dice is different. A lot of people, factors and feelings of other people are involved.
If you think deeply, you wouldn’t have been able to cope without all those people who held your hands, wept with and thought for you during those emotionally painful days.
For being there all those years supporting you, praying that you also find happiness, makes you accountable to them.
This is aside many other issues you are refusing to take into considerations. Beyond the good sex you claim to be having with him as well as the sentiments of being your first love, there is nothing to suggest that this man cares for you at all. Your meeting was not inspired by a need to see you or even apologise for running away with your best friend and marrying her.
It was one of those accidental meetings that didn’t include you or any plans to get serious with you. You are making things too easy for him and in the process messing up your own life.
Deep down, do you think he will marry you if your husband-to-be finds out you have been cheating on him?
What if he is still married to your friend and lying about being separated from her?
Any man who could run off with your best friend cannot be trusted. If your motive is to hurt your friend as much as she once did to you, you are making a very big mistake of your life.
If this man walks away from you now, how much time do you have as a woman to meet another man, get married and have children?
And how would you feel if this man were the one cheating on you and thinking of walking away from your wedding plans?
This is a temptation you must resist. From the tone of your letter, you are the one pursuing an agenda, not this man. If you hadn’t thrown yourself at him, he wouldn’t have insisted on anything. But being a man, he is definitely taking advantage of everything you are offering. And typically, he has to come up with stories you want to hear to make it easy on his and your conscience.
If you care to probe deeper, you will find out that the flame is only on your side, not from his side at all.
Besides, he has tried to be truthful to you. He came back because of his father’s business, not for you. He didn’t expect to run into you for that matter. You are just a chance meeting for him.
If he didn’t want you when you were younger, fresh for him, what makes you think he wants you now? The fact that he never cared about your person beyond your body is the reason he isn’t protesting the amount of time you are spending with him instead of the man you are getting married to in March.
Deep down, he would be thanking his stars he didn’t end up with you because once you can be unfaithful with him; you can do it with another man. If he cared just a little bit about you, he would be discouraging you from what you are doing.
Besides, if you must know, what you feel isn’t peculiar to you. Most women go through premarital blues. It is expected because one is leaving familiar terrain for uncertainty. No reasonable person goes for a journey without projection.
And if you really care for your husband to be, stop what you are doing with your ex. Don’t forget his first wife died. You will be killing him completely if he finds out about your behaviour.
He may not survive it, because it would be just like losing another woman in his life.
It is time to end this party before it is too late. This man may represent fun, but you can teach your husband-to-be how to make you happy. There is no relationship without sacrifices. If you like making love in a particular way, direct him appropriately. It is what marriage is all about.
You are not a butterfly anymore. There is a limit to the risks and foolishness of the heart at your age.
Rest your first love finally. His time is past. You are now a real woman who should be able to think with her head and not her heart.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
My wedding is slated for the first Saturday in March. The invitations are already out and everything has been ordered for. We have even paid for the venue.
Until last month, everything was going well for me. I honestly thought I loved my husband to be with all my heart and that no man could ever come between us. But how wrong my projection of my life is turning out to be.
A chance meeting with my first love after about 16 years is what is threatening my well-planned life.
I honestly didn’t plan for this to happen but every woman who has been in love before knows what it feels like to meet the first man in her life, after a long time of separation.
Though he left me for my best friend, at the time we met, all those details didn’t matter. One thing led to another and we ended up in bed. It brought back all the wonderful memories of all those wonderful time we had before my friend came between us.
I discovered that he is divorced after two children from my friend who, according to him, now lives in England.
He decided to come home after being away for such a long time to attend to his father’s business.
He wants us to begin again. He has apologised to me and I am tempted to take him back because I feel good being with him.
I haven’t told anyone about him because I know nobody will ever support me. I am 38, have been so lucky to find my current boyfriend who is 45 and widowed. He has been my pillar of support and truly shows an extraordinary love and kindness towards my family and me.
But this is about my love life, about my happiness. I am so confused about what is happening to me. My current relationship is three years old while my first love and I go back a long way.
Please help me because I don’t know how to tackle what I feel for my first love.
Iyabo.
Dear Iyabo,
Being human and a woman, I understand the power of first love. But, I also understand the many sentiments we women sometimes put into play when serious matters come up.
However, more than you, I recognise the danger such unreasonable and not well thought out emotions can cause in the life of a person.
No doubt, you have the right to your life, spend it with whosoever you want to, but you are not an Island, which means, your decisions would also affect others close to you.
It is therefore important you put into consideration the feelings of these other people who would be affected by your decision, suffer your shame and pains, if you decide to go ahead with your plans. It is called respect for the feelings of others since this matter has gone beyond ‘what you want’ to ‘what others also want’.
Sixteen years ago, when he walked out on you to marry your best friend with whom he has two kids, whatever you both felt for each other then was limited to you two. Then, it wasn’t the business or pains of the collective. Those who knew then didn’t think of anything before given you their support and understanding to get back on your feet.
Now the dice is different. A lot of people, factors and feelings of other people are involved.
If you think deeply, you wouldn’t have been able to cope without all those people who held your hands, wept with and thought for you during those emotionally painful days.
For being there all those years supporting you, praying that you also find happiness, makes you accountable to them.
This is aside many other issues you are refusing to take into considerations. Beyond the good sex you claim to be having with him as well as the sentiments of being your first love, there is nothing to suggest that this man cares for you at all. Your meeting was not inspired by a need to see you or even apologise for running away with your best friend and marrying her.
It was one of those accidental meetings that didn’t include you or any plans to get serious with you. You are making things too easy for him and in the process messing up your own life.
Deep down, do you think he will marry you if your husband-to-be finds out you have been cheating on him?
What if he is still married to your friend and lying about being separated from her?
Any man who could run off with your best friend cannot be trusted. If your motive is to hurt your friend as much as she once did to you, you are making a very big mistake of your life.
If this man walks away from you now, how much time do you have as a woman to meet another man, get married and have children?
And how would you feel if this man were the one cheating on you and thinking of walking away from your wedding plans?
This is a temptation you must resist. From the tone of your letter, you are the one pursuing an agenda, not this man. If you hadn’t thrown yourself at him, he wouldn’t have insisted on anything. But being a man, he is definitely taking advantage of everything you are offering. And typically, he has to come up with stories you want to hear to make it easy on his and your conscience.
If you care to probe deeper, you will find out that the flame is only on your side, not from his side at all.
Besides, he has tried to be truthful to you. He came back because of his father’s business, not for you. He didn’t expect to run into you for that matter. You are just a chance meeting for him.
If he didn’t want you when you were younger, fresh for him, what makes you think he wants you now? The fact that he never cared about your person beyond your body is the reason he isn’t protesting the amount of time you are spending with him instead of the man you are getting married to in March.
Deep down, he would be thanking his stars he didn’t end up with you because once you can be unfaithful with him; you can do it with another man. If he cared just a little bit about you, he would be discouraging you from what you are doing.
Besides, if you must know, what you feel isn’t peculiar to you. Most women go through premarital blues. It is expected because one is leaving familiar terrain for uncertainty. No reasonable person goes for a journey without projection.
And if you really care for your husband to be, stop what you are doing with your ex. Don’t forget his first wife died. You will be killing him completely if he finds out about your behaviour.
He may not survive it, because it would be just like losing another woman in his life.
It is time to end this party before it is too late. This man may represent fun, but you can teach your husband-to-be how to make you happy. There is no relationship without sacrifices. If you like making love in a particular way, direct him appropriately. It is what marriage is all about.
You are not a butterfly anymore. There is a limit to the risks and foolishness of the heart at your age.
Rest your first love finally. His time is past. You are now a real woman who should be able to think with her head and not her heart.
Good luck.
How do I make my brown teeth white?
With Auntie Agatha,gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com,Tel: 08054500626
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you for what you are doing. I have a problem, which I believe you can help me find a solution to.
I have brown teeth, which have been causing me major embarrassment. I grew up in the village where I was not taught how to brush.
A friend I confided in told me to go to a dental clinic and do polishing and whitening but I don’t know if it will work.
I want you to advise me on how to find a solution to this problem as soon as possible.
Peace.
Dear Peace,
According to a dentist, it is possible for your teeth to white again. She said it is possible through the help of some friendly chemicals that can be used to clean your teeth.
But a lot, she stated, would depend on how deep the stains are. Therefore, it is advisable you consult a dentist whose responsibility it is to conduct tests on your teeth to determine the extent of harm to your teeth.
However, make sure you go to a qualified dentist and not a quack to avoid complications.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
May God bless you for what you are doing. I have a problem, which I believe you can help me find a solution to.
I have brown teeth, which have been causing me major embarrassment. I grew up in the village where I was not taught how to brush.
A friend I confided in told me to go to a dental clinic and do polishing and whitening but I don’t know if it will work.
I want you to advise me on how to find a solution to this problem as soon as possible.
Peace.
Dear Peace,
According to a dentist, it is possible for your teeth to white again. She said it is possible through the help of some friendly chemicals that can be used to clean your teeth.
But a lot, she stated, would depend on how deep the stains are. Therefore, it is advisable you consult a dentist whose responsibility it is to conduct tests on your teeth to determine the extent of harm to your teeth.
However, make sure you go to a qualified dentist and not a quack to avoid complications.
Good luck.
My wife reveals ugly past, 19 years after
With Agatha Edo Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com,gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626
Dear Agatha,
I do appreciate your approach to counseling on issues concerning relationships, which is why it fascinates me when I read your column.
I have been married for over 19 years and blessed with two children who are 18 and 17 years of age, respectively.
Prior to my marriage, my wife told me of a failed relationship she had. That relationship produced a child, who unfortunately died after both had parted ways. I accepted her and assured her of my commitment to our relationship. We were married according to their traditional norms and later in the church. Like every other couple, we have our fair share of ups and downs, which in most cases, we resolve amicably.
However, I am shocked by her recent revelation shortly before the New Year. She drew my attention to an issue, which according to her, has been a burden and serious concern to her all these years. Before she told me what the issue was, she expressed her regrets at not telling me since getting married to me.
She explained how she was impregnated by a man at the age of 15, which led to her father sending her out his house.
According to her, she stayed with a relation until she had the baby.
After the birth of the baby, the mother of the man she had the baby for, came from Ibadan and took her and the child there. It was there she completed her secondary education. She further disclosed that she had two more children for the man. Throughout that period, she narrated, the man never knew or met any of her relations, and she was not in contact with her people too.
However, the man was transferred from Port-Harcourt to Lagos and had planned to settle down there. She explained that an arrangement was made by the man with his friend to convey them to Lagos from Ibadan. It was while they were travelling down to Lagos in a van that they had a fatal accident, resulting in the death of her man and his friend. According to her, she was unconscious and was rushed to a hospital. The whereabouts of her three children remained unknown.
She further explained that after she regained consciousness, further tests were conducted on her by a psychiatrist to ascertain her mental fitness. She, according to her narration, went back to Ibadan and met the man’s mother who showed her where the man was buried.
When they both realised that neither of them was with the children, they searched all the motherless babies’ homes and hospitals within the area of the accident without any trace of the children.
Having concluded this tale, she sought for my forgiveness and asked if I would send her away from the house.
There are some questions I have asked her that she hasn’t given me satisfactory answers to. Since telling me this story, I have been emotionally and physically depressed. I have not responded to her question on whether I would send her away or not, because I am still consulting more people especially as she said her mother is aware of everything that happened to her.
I need your advice.
Betrayed Husband.
Dear Betrayed Husband,
Asking you not to be angry is like telling a hungry baby not to cry. You have every reason to be angry, disappointed and even pack up the marriage. Sincerely, if you ask her to go, nobody would blame you because she not only betrayed your trust in her person but has also, in more ways than one, disappointed you.
If you insist you never want to see her again, nobody would blame you against the backdrop of the gravity of what she has done.
But we know that none of these is a solution to the issue at hand now. Asking her to go won’t erase from the fact that she has been your wife for 19 years and that you both have two children between.
It won’t also remove the fact that you are both legally married and have shared some very wonderful moments together as man and woman. She has made you into who you are just as you have done same for her.
Your strength and joy go beyond the two of you; your children are part of that wonderful heritage you have both built in your 19 years as a couple.
There are also those minute details which on the surface appear not to be significant but in the long run add up to have made your marriage survive all these years.
Honestly, when complex issues like this come up in a marriage, all these factors are what must be added up before a decision is taken. All those people you are consulting, including me are not involved in your history or know what the strength of your marriage really is.
Your marriage couldn’t have lasted this long without sacrifices from both of you. Indisputably, she has done the unthinkable in the minds of everybody; betrayed the trust you have for her, rubbished the essence of marriage but what about the other side of her? That side of her that has given the kind of joy and fulfillment these 19 years?
If the consensus is for you to leave her, are these people going to share in your loneliness, fill the void she would be leaving in your life or give you a woman who is without blemish? Even if she comes into your home a virgin, what about her temperament, attitude and response to things concerning you?
I would be the first person to agree with you that there are missing gaps in her story. For instance, it is curious that no member of the man’s family came to see her in the hospital to ask for her and the children. If they came for the corpse of their son, how come they didn’t ask for her or the children at all, knowing they were the only family she had then? And why didn’t the woman make efforts to go with her to plead with the father or other members of the family?
So many questions are really begging for answers but so also are many puzzles especially concerning the children, are begging to be solved.
To lose three children or not know their whereabouts cannot be a tea party for her. As a mother, she will never stop wondering what happened to those children.
Her mistake was not to have shared this dark side of her past. No matter how unpleasant, she should have told you. But, I think it has to do with fear of losing you as well as lack of enough trust in the power of your love for her at that time. Face it, would you have married her if you knew she has had not just one but four children?
Now you maybe able to handle such a situation but then, I am sure you wouldn’t have. Althoughthis is not an excuse at all, this perhaps informed her reason for keeping it from you all these years.
She decided to open up when she could not deal with all the worries anymore. Some women would still have kept quiet and decide to take the story of their lives to the grave with them.
This is the moment you look at her value to you and the importance of your marriage. If you focus only on this issue, you will end up making a mistake you will forever regret. This is because 19 years of marriage has given you the opportunity of knowing the nature of the woman you married; answered the question of credibility you would have been worried about 19 years earlier.
Youryears together have also afforded you the opportunity of knowing how much progress she has made from getting pregnant at 15 to now. A lot of us have done one or two things in our youths we are not proud of. What makes the difference is the efforts we put into correcting those mistakes.
Since marrying her, have you had any reason until now to regret marrying her? The answer to this question will point you to the right direction.
Go to God in prayers because He is the only one that can help you get over your pains as well as give you the wisdom to view the matter wholly.
Good luck.
Dear Agatha,
I do appreciate your approach to counseling on issues concerning relationships, which is why it fascinates me when I read your column.
I have been married for over 19 years and blessed with two children who are 18 and 17 years of age, respectively.
Prior to my marriage, my wife told me of a failed relationship she had. That relationship produced a child, who unfortunately died after both had parted ways. I accepted her and assured her of my commitment to our relationship. We were married according to their traditional norms and later in the church. Like every other couple, we have our fair share of ups and downs, which in most cases, we resolve amicably.
However, I am shocked by her recent revelation shortly before the New Year. She drew my attention to an issue, which according to her, has been a burden and serious concern to her all these years. Before she told me what the issue was, she expressed her regrets at not telling me since getting married to me.
She explained how she was impregnated by a man at the age of 15, which led to her father sending her out his house.
According to her, she stayed with a relation until she had the baby.
After the birth of the baby, the mother of the man she had the baby for, came from Ibadan and took her and the child there. It was there she completed her secondary education. She further disclosed that she had two more children for the man. Throughout that period, she narrated, the man never knew or met any of her relations, and she was not in contact with her people too.
However, the man was transferred from Port-Harcourt to Lagos and had planned to settle down there. She explained that an arrangement was made by the man with his friend to convey them to Lagos from Ibadan. It was while they were travelling down to Lagos in a van that they had a fatal accident, resulting in the death of her man and his friend. According to her, she was unconscious and was rushed to a hospital. The whereabouts of her three children remained unknown.
She further explained that after she regained consciousness, further tests were conducted on her by a psychiatrist to ascertain her mental fitness. She, according to her narration, went back to Ibadan and met the man’s mother who showed her where the man was buried.
When they both realised that neither of them was with the children, they searched all the motherless babies’ homes and hospitals within the area of the accident without any trace of the children.
Having concluded this tale, she sought for my forgiveness and asked if I would send her away from the house.
There are some questions I have asked her that she hasn’t given me satisfactory answers to. Since telling me this story, I have been emotionally and physically depressed. I have not responded to her question on whether I would send her away or not, because I am still consulting more people especially as she said her mother is aware of everything that happened to her.
I need your advice.
Betrayed Husband.
Dear Betrayed Husband,
Asking you not to be angry is like telling a hungry baby not to cry. You have every reason to be angry, disappointed and even pack up the marriage. Sincerely, if you ask her to go, nobody would blame you because she not only betrayed your trust in her person but has also, in more ways than one, disappointed you.
If you insist you never want to see her again, nobody would blame you against the backdrop of the gravity of what she has done.
But we know that none of these is a solution to the issue at hand now. Asking her to go won’t erase from the fact that she has been your wife for 19 years and that you both have two children between.
It won’t also remove the fact that you are both legally married and have shared some very wonderful moments together as man and woman. She has made you into who you are just as you have done same for her.
Your strength and joy go beyond the two of you; your children are part of that wonderful heritage you have both built in your 19 years as a couple.
There are also those minute details which on the surface appear not to be significant but in the long run add up to have made your marriage survive all these years.
Honestly, when complex issues like this come up in a marriage, all these factors are what must be added up before a decision is taken. All those people you are consulting, including me are not involved in your history or know what the strength of your marriage really is.
Your marriage couldn’t have lasted this long without sacrifices from both of you. Indisputably, she has done the unthinkable in the minds of everybody; betrayed the trust you have for her, rubbished the essence of marriage but what about the other side of her? That side of her that has given the kind of joy and fulfillment these 19 years?
If the consensus is for you to leave her, are these people going to share in your loneliness, fill the void she would be leaving in your life or give you a woman who is without blemish? Even if she comes into your home a virgin, what about her temperament, attitude and response to things concerning you?
I would be the first person to agree with you that there are missing gaps in her story. For instance, it is curious that no member of the man’s family came to see her in the hospital to ask for her and the children. If they came for the corpse of their son, how come they didn’t ask for her or the children at all, knowing they were the only family she had then? And why didn’t the woman make efforts to go with her to plead with the father or other members of the family?
So many questions are really begging for answers but so also are many puzzles especially concerning the children, are begging to be solved.
To lose three children or not know their whereabouts cannot be a tea party for her. As a mother, she will never stop wondering what happened to those children.
Her mistake was not to have shared this dark side of her past. No matter how unpleasant, she should have told you. But, I think it has to do with fear of losing you as well as lack of enough trust in the power of your love for her at that time. Face it, would you have married her if you knew she has had not just one but four children?
Now you maybe able to handle such a situation but then, I am sure you wouldn’t have. Althoughthis is not an excuse at all, this perhaps informed her reason for keeping it from you all these years.
She decided to open up when she could not deal with all the worries anymore. Some women would still have kept quiet and decide to take the story of their lives to the grave with them.
This is the moment you look at her value to you and the importance of your marriage. If you focus only on this issue, you will end up making a mistake you will forever regret. This is because 19 years of marriage has given you the opportunity of knowing the nature of the woman you married; answered the question of credibility you would have been worried about 19 years earlier.
Youryears together have also afforded you the opportunity of knowing how much progress she has made from getting pregnant at 15 to now. A lot of us have done one or two things in our youths we are not proud of. What makes the difference is the efforts we put into correcting those mistakes.
Since marrying her, have you had any reason until now to regret marrying her? The answer to this question will point you to the right direction.
Go to God in prayers because He is the only one that can help you get over your pains as well as give you the wisdom to view the matter wholly.
Good luck.
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