I am afraid to approach her

Dear Agatha, I like your responses to the questions people always ask you. This is why your column has become my weekly guide. I am a boy of 26 years of age. I finished secondary school since 2009 and still struggling to gain admission into a university. However, I have a thriving computer business as well managing a petrol station. Despite my modest achievements, I don’t have any female friend not to talk of a girlfriend. Recently I met a lady in my church I like and wish would become my wife. But she is a banker. From all indices she is better educated than I am as well as richer in terms of finance. The only thing I have more than her are the number of years I have spent on earth. Despite my limitations, I have this great passion for her. I want her to become the mother of my children but I am afraid to make an advance to her since I don’t want to be embarrassed by her. I don’t want her to hate me and jeopardize my chances with her. Daily, it is becoming difficult for me to control my feelings for her. What I feel for her is so strong that I am just confused; I don’t know what to do again. Please what is your advice for me because each time I sight her, my love becomes stronger. I don’t want anything that will hurt my life. Please enlighten me because I need your help. Image of God. Dear Image of God, Love isn’t mathematics. It has a way of happening in very odd situations. So don’t be discouraged by all her seeming finer points. Those things could just be her camouflage; deep inside her, she may not be as happy as those things project her to be. However, you also have to be more serious about your educational pursuit. Granted you have been able to establish yourself but as a man and in order for you to move beyond this point in life, there is the need to be more proactive in terms of gaining admission to the university. At 26, you are actually wasting your time sitting for the Joint Admission Matriculation examinations. Apply for a part-time program in a university nearest to you. The cost maybe more prohibitive than the regular class but, it will resolve the problem of your complex among your peers or associates. As for the lady, there is no harm in approaching her as a friend. It is a simple matter of saying “how are you”, since you both attend the same church. If she is snobbish, it means she isn’t good enough for you but, if she responds, tell her your name and ask for hers as a way of establishing some sorts of familiarity. Don’t rush into declaring your feelings for her. First, get to study her kind of person and attitudes. As friends, you get the opportunity of knowing her at close quarters. If she responds positively to your greetings and offer of friendship, ensure she gets to know about your educational background, your business as well as plans to improve your education. Don’t wait until things get deep before opening up on your limitations. Exposing yourself to her is giving her the necessary information to help make up her mind about you even before you tell her how you feel. When telling her about your educational background, watch out for her reaction to the news as well as attitude towards you thereafter. If she continues to be friendly, you could after a while tell her how you feel about her but if she avoids your company, consider her the wrong woman for you and move on. Every rejection a man suffers from a woman; there are more than five willing women on queue. If you are unwilling to experience pains, disappointments and embarrassment from women, then you aren’t prepared to have a viable relationship with a woman in life. Heartbreaks and disappointments go with approaching a woman. The is because it is the only opportunity most women have to make the men sweat for them, they play hard to get, even when she is interested. So if you on account of protecting your heart from breaking refuse to approach a woman, you might end up with a woman who is too desperate to get married hence ready to do anything to hook a man. These women are the ones who after marriage, become monsters and the heartbreak you are running from will become a permanent resident in your marriage. Nothing good comes easy. There is always a price to pay for finding a good wife. So ignore the fear of rejection and move on with your quest to find out if this woman is your missing rib. In addition you must summon the courage to talk to women. You cannot continue to live in isolation of women. Men and women were designed by God to interact. That you have a woman as a friend doesn’t mean you are in a romantic relationship with her. Whatever may have informed your inability to talk to women or have them as friends; must be dealt with by you. One of the questions you must find an answer to, is why you are afraid of women? You cannot reach the age of 26, without having had a girlfriend. For you to really appreciate and settle down well into a relationship, you must know how to take care of a woman. This comes from knowing what the psychology of the average woman is. Love isn’t accomplished by what you feel alone, it must be supported by the attitude and concern invested into the other person. Good luck.

I want to know God more

Dear Agatha, Please help me. How do I reconnect with God? Since I got married, I find it difficult to pray with my family, how do I teach my two children about God? I want to have a relationship with Him. Chioma. Dear Chioma, Your letter is the most touching I have ever received. God bless you. When a woman gets married, if she is not careful, in her attempt to balance the emotions, politics and care of the home, she forgets the importance of God in her. This often not deliberate or noticed. And because God though present in every home isn’t as demanding as the physical presence of the husband and children, He keeps being relegated to the background for the occasional grace, church worships and emergency solutions to pressing family issues. You are not alone. So many women are guilty of the neglect of the most important presence in our homes. Fortunately, He is unlike us in many ways. He doesn’t keep a grudge or keep records of our iniquities. As the woman of the house, you are the spiritual umbrella of the family; the reason you have to first reconcile with God through prayers. It is a simple matter of going on your knees to invite Him back into your home as the supreme head. Follow this, by drawing up a prayer time-table. Ensure every member of the family is assigned a role to play in the time table. This means, once it is the turn of any member of the family, he or she gets to lead the entire session-the praise and worship, Bible reading, the little sermon as well as prayers. This way, your children get exposed to the words of God and His ways. The more they read the Bible, the more they get to see and know Him. In addition, you must give them the right examples to emulate. Don’t amplify what is not in the Bible; allow them to perfect their relationship with God in their own ways. The important thing is their being on the right path. Often than not, when parents insist too forcefully on how they want things done rather than allow the children to grow into it, creates complexities which could lead to full scale rebellion against what you want to achieve. After doing this for sometime and observing where each child is strongest, apportion them appropriately at the devotion. Also encourage them to join activities in the church in their areas of interest. It is also important you point out the ways of God to them in their everyday activities to help them grow further in the ways of God. This will enable them come to depend and trust God implicitly in all they do. As for your husband, learn to pray together in the morning and at night. Sometimes, it could be a major task getting the man to pray, don’t get angry if yours is the kind that isn’t so keen. In this kind of situation, rather than get angry, just keep praying for him and ensure you are on hand to pray when he is about to sleep so that you can both pray. The fact that you are in the same room with him when praying should do at the beginning. Above all, worship God and not pastor or church as has become the norm among many Christians. Good luck.

My mother-in-law is making my life miserable

Dear Agatha, I am a regular reader of your column. I am 26 years of age. I have a life-eating problem and I believe you can help me. I married a mummy’s pet kind of husband who tells his mother everything we discuss and do in the house. Naturally, his mother sees me as an obstacle, even though he pretends about it. Although she doesn’t shout at me but she has a way of making my life in that house hell on earth. For instance, if my husband has the urge to eat a particular kind of food and I make attempt to cook what my husband wants, she would come to the kitchen to tell me that the particular food is forbidden in that house. The worst thing is that when my husband comes and I tell him what his mother said, he won’t say anything. Although he is the breadwinner of the family, he cannot stand up to his people to defend me. The resultant effect is that I am on my own, begging them to like me a little bit but it seems the harder I try to please them, the more determined they are to make my life unbearable in their brother’s house. I have been begging my husband to relocate, at least, a little far away from the family so that I can enjoy my very young marriage but he has refused to listen to me. His excuse is that I would soon be back in school which is six hours drive from home. Anytime I raise the issue of the treatment I get from his family, he is instant in defending them. His mother is in charge of my less than a year old marriage. And it appears this is going to be the pattern of my marriage as my husband in his wisdom, built his personal house within the vicinity of the family house. My sister-in-law who is also at home is over 30 years of age and she too is another source of my headache. I am dying slowly. Please help me. Confused Wife. Dear Confused Wife, Marriage is a school of endurance, patience, understanding, prayers and wisdom. Like bitter leaf, every new marriage must first go through a process of adjustment before it can become sweet. It is unfortunate that you are starting your marriage this way, but a lot of the issues you raised started long before you got married to him. Perhaps a combination of inexperience, misconception of what marriage is all about and lack of sincerity on your part are the reasons you are going through this crisis. For instance, there is no way you wouldn’t have noticed from the very beginning that your man is a mummy’s boy. This is something he couldn’t have hidden from you. Any man close to his mother manifests it wherever he goes. He must have, during your courtship days, done one or two things to make it clear to you that his mother is his final authority. You didn’t complain then because like most women, you thought you could handle the situation and make him forget his closeness to his mother. The fact that you didn’t complain then and were willing to play along, means if you really put in more efforts into this marriage and you will overcome these battles. The women that have positive stories to tell are those with elastic patience. Even the toughest battles bow to it at the end of the day. From this early, accept them for who they are. I am sure you have women like your mother-in-law as well as sister-in-law in your family. If you are able to put up with these women, there is no reason you cannot cope with these women. The same attitude you have adopted in tolerating and managing the excesses of every friend, relation as well as the negative sides of your own mother and sisters should be deployed by you into managing your present situation to make this marriage succeed. One way to ensure you remain relevant in the life of your husband is to stop complaining or forcing him to choose between you and his family. It would be the worst kind of mistake in your life because his mother and sister were in his life before you. Besides, you will also become a mother-in-law one day and how would you feel if your son suddenly abandons you for his wife? Life is a circle. What goes around comes around. You are simply acquiring experiences to handle similar issues in future. A lot of efforts go into motherhood. The expectation of every mother is to be repaid with care by the child she invested her entire adult life looking after. Whether you like it or not, you will in time to come become jealous of the woman who takes your place in your son’s life. It is an emotion most women cannot control. The difference is just the way the individual woman values life and its different seasons. While some mothers willingly bow out of the lives of their sons with grace, others simply cannot do it. No matter how painful their treatment of you is, learn to endure it. Overtime, you will smile as long as you have the right attitude towards life. Your husband’s headship of his family didn’t start overnight. You knew his position from the beginning. This minor fact should have alerted you to the challenges you would be facing from all his relations. It is only natural for them to feel your coming would upset whatever arrangements they had on ground. You are all like combatants squaring up for a fight. They are suspicious of you just as you are of them. The position your man occupies in his family demands you act as a mother to them. The role of a mother is that of acute perseverance and protection even when she is under pains and disappointments. To do otherwise is to expose your husband to challenges he should not face within his family circle. Though he appears to be more on their side than on yours; don’t get unnecessarily upset about it all. The secret is to device a means outside nagging or complaints to get him to listen to you. You have an advantage they don’t have; you are his wife! Use your intimacy to make him listen to your needs, see how bad you feel at being left at the mercy of his family, especially living in the family house. For instance, your desire to make him leave the family house could come as a wishful desire. During intimacy, wish for more privacy to really be together, do certain things like being naked in your private world. Use your knowledge of the things he likes about you to make him listen to those things you are not saying. Like a carrot before a hare, dangle your femininity before him. This is a form of language women who are wise have used through the ages to get their men to listen to the silent requests of their hearts. Once you are able to get him to move from the family house, you will be able to moderate some of the issues you are complaining about now. Also learn to pray. There is nothing prayers cannot achieve. Apart from bringing you close to God, it also teaches one the vital steps to take in every situation. Prayers give so much wisdom. It will tell you when silence is golden and when to speak. If you have to leave the house and go to where you can avoid confrontation, do it. If you can afford it, get a gas cooker to cook his meals in your room. This way you can cook what you want without having to go to the general kitchen. This doesn’t mean you cannot cook for the entire family in the general kitchen. Making this arrangement is to ensure your husband gets used to your cooking and person. It is also important to your survival, that you don’t get overly bothered about the reactions of your in-laws. Be polite, do what you can, refuse to be intimidated by them but learn to respect their relationship with your husband. Allow him the freedom to continue to be their breadwinner as long as he can cope with his responsibilities to you. Good luck.