Dear Agatha,
Thanks for your motherly advice.
I wrote to you some time last year, and the reply was published on December 22, 2008. In that letter I complained about my boyfriend whom I have been dating for some months now. If you will recall I said he told me about the lady he was about to marry but left him when he was having cash problems. Because the lady kept disturbing him with calls, which he seems disposed to, I became agitated.
Since he promised to sort out the issue with the lady during the Christmas holiday, you advised I waited until he came back before taking a decision to avoid me being labelled by him as not trusting him enough.
I adhered to your advice but latest development has left me more confused than before.
While in his village during the Christmas period he never called. I was unable to reach him either. Anytime I dialed his number, I was told it wasn’t available. It was not until January 3rd, that I got a call from him that he was close to my village and headed for my house.
Apprehensive at the possible reactions of my father at his sudden presence in my house as well as the fact that I should meet his people first before him meeting mine, I lied about my whereabouts. When he came back on January 6th, I asked him about the other lady; he told me that they had not reconciled, even though his mother wants him to accept her back. He confessed that the lady spent some days in their house.
Immediately he said that, I asked him what he wanted from me since it was obvious that the lady is still very much part of his life. He pleaded for time for us to get to know each other very well.
A few days after, he showed me the lady’s picture. I discovered he has done all the traditional things a man does on the woman he wants to marry; including payment of dowry. The only ceremony left for them to do is just the white wedding. He also told me that the mother called him to inform him that the lady in question is pregnant for him.
Although he denies being responsible for the pregnancy, but from the look of things, it seems his mind is still very much with the lady, despite his claims not to be interested in her anymore. I say this because since we have been together, he has not introduced me to any of his friends or relatives.
Please Agatha, I am confused and need your motherly advice so that I will not make a greatest mistake of my life.
Confused lady.
Dear Confused Lady,
There is nothing ambiguous about this situation that should leave you confused. Under over native laws and customs, this man is married to the other woman despite his denial to you.
The pressure of the mother combined with the fact that she has the freedom to sleep over in his family house shows that she is well known to the family.
Don’t allow the man deceive you into having a doomed relationship with him. Whatever issues he had with the lady in the past have been neutralised with her being pregnant. Whether he is the father of the expected baby or not is immaterial. What is important is that this woman is pregnant and she says it is for him. And since he allowed her spend the holidays in his house something must have happened between them during that period for the lady to have the confidence to place the pregnancy on him. He can only be sure he isn’t the father of the coming baby if he didn’t take the opportunity of her stay in his family house to make love to her.
If he is claiming not to be the father, ask him if he slept with her during the holiday period or the last time he slept with her. Chances are that he is saying he isn’t the father of this child to make you stay with him. Don’t give in to him irrespective of what he says because to do that would amount to destroying another woman’s home.
For the woman to have the boldness and freedom to spend the holiday in his family house shows that they have resolved whatever made her leave him. Ordinarily the story he told you about this woman should be enough a reason for him to run a far distance from her, or you think you stand a chance with him but the dynamism between the man and woman in most cases defy explanations. He may have started dating you with good intentions of having something permanent with you but it is clear that something really special about that woman may not make it work out fine between the two of you.
Time must have cleared all the debris of the emotional pains he suffered when she walked away from him when things were rough for him. Things like that usually happen in a relationship when one party feels the need for clean fresh air when the relationship appears stifling. We all do that sometimes. She may have left at that time for a different reason than the one he thought as at that time. He may have found out why she did what she did to make him change his mind about her.
Besides, he may have been persuaded by superior reasons to overlook her drawback. Relationships go through difficult times. What happened to them is necessary for them to move beyond the point where they were. Such incidents enable a couple to test their strength of love as well as character. Having gone through this crisis successfully, the two of them are now better equipped to deal with other challenges without it degenerating to this level. This is what such experience does for a relationship. It helps to grow it and it won’t be in your interest to be among the tools to be used by this man to build his relationship.
It is really not in your interest to allow yourself to be dragged into this. Whatever he feels or doesn’t feel; it isn’t any of your business. Frankly, you are an intruder in this relationship and have no place with this man. Don’t allow anything he says about this other woman influence you into staying with him. He isn’t for you and would never be. With you in his life, he won’t be able to give his wife and coming child the attention they both deserve because the time he would have spent with them would be shared by you.
When a man is looking for a reason or excuse to justify his intentions, he would stop at nothing to ensure he attains his goals. He desires from you a relationship, but let him know that friendship is the only thing you can offer him right now and that to expect anything more from you would not only be unfair to you and the other woman as well.
Allow him be so that the man God has designed for you can have the freedom to come freely into your life.
Good luck.
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