Dear Agatha,
There is this man who regards me as his special friend while I see him as an ordinary friend. He lives in the Eastern part of the country while I reside in Lagos.
However, since he declared his intentions to marry me, I made up my mind to give both of us a chance. This is because he has some attributes I like, but am discovering that he seems to have a side I don’t like. For instance, he finds it very difficult to keep to his words, despite warning him not to make promises he won’t honour.
We reached an agreement to alternate visits every other month; he will come this month, next month I will be the one to visit.
Recently, I went to Owerri for a project he was aware, he insisted I should make every thing possible to see him in Aba where he stays. I would have done that, but the schedule was too tight, I had to be back to Lagos the following morning unfailingly. I explained why I couldn’t make it to him.
Do you know this guy refused to call me on my way back, not to talk of asking me if I arrived Lagos safely throughout the weekend? I had to call him Sunday evening, and he said he tried my number but was not available. I didn’t believe him because my people kept in touch. Since then he hasn’t bothered to call me, only for me to call him one morning around 5.30 a.m. and female voice, which wasn’t that of his sister to inform me he went to take his bath.
Agatha, can you imagine the pains? What do you think I should do?
Concerned Girl.
Dear Concerned Girl,
Yes, I can identify with your pains and disappointment on the other end of the phone. It simply shows that he doesn’t have the kind of interest you expect him to have in you.
Although, you were wrong not to have made the extra effort to see him, still it doesn’t excuse his behaviour. Having explained the tight schedule you had to operate on your visit, he should have let go of whatever disappointment over your inability to visit him and focus on building a relationship given the fact that you live hundreds of miles apart.
However, the real issue here is the failure of both of you to reconcile your differences before going into a relationship. Until the moment he proposed marriage to you, you never thought of him as your boyfriend. He was just your friend while you thought he loved you.
Before you started out on this relationship, both of you should have sat down to honestly discuss your feelings as well as the nature of your relationship. Before marriage happens, there must be a level of understanding as well as knowledge of each other’s character.
What do you know about him to have warranted your decision to spend the rest of your life with him? Didn’t it bother you at all that your feelings for him may not be enough to weather the storm that naturally comes with relationship and marriage?
Were you very much in love with him, wouldn’t you have made the extra effort to go and see him no matter how tight your schedule on that day was? Be honest, wouldn’t you? At this point, it is important you are very truthful to yourself since it is the only way to achieve results in a troubled relationship.
To appreciate his feelings, even though it doesn’t excuse his attitude, try putting yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if he came to town and didn’t bother to see you? If you reason his attitude from this point of view, you will appreciate his anger especially if he is aware you never really liked him. He may come to the wrong conclusion that you didn’t bother to come because you never really cared about him.
Just as it would be wrong for you to assume he is lying about trying to get you. Knowing the erratic telephone network services we have in the country, there indeed could be a possibility of him trying to reach you without success.
From all indications, there is lack of trust in your relationship.
You should have gone beyond calling him to making the effort to see him at his base. It might have changed the way things between both of you as well as given you first hand insight into his type of lifestyle. Having agreed to marry him, you should have shown more interest in his lifestyle to avoid ending up with a complete stranger by your side after the wedding night.
Having found out about his duplicity, what do you intend to do? Is your love for him the kind that can overcome this betrayal? Can you find it in your heart to forgive him? These are issues you have to deal with personally.
Since talking to the girl on phone, have you tried contacting him again, to let him know you are aware of the girl in his house? This is important to neutralise whatever his reasons were for not bothering to call you.
Even if it takes a bit of your pride, call him irrespective of whether or not your mind is made up about leaving him. His response to you would determine what other steps to take.
The danger of not trying to salvage a problematic relationship is the tears of regret we shed later when time has done its work of healing. Many things you think are important now would in later years look so unimportant, you would wonder at the foolishness of this moment.
It is because of days like that you should give this your best shot, at least, for the sake of posterity. But do allow him go, if after doing all these, he still shows signs of being unserious.
Good luck.
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