I don’t want them but…

Dear Agatha,

 I am 26 years old, a graduate and currently waiting for my national youth service. I’ve been dating three girls from my village for more than three years now. I’m deeply in love with one of the girls whom I wish to marry. 

As for the other girls, even though I noticed they aren’t perfect for me, I’m still finding it difficult to let go of them.

The first girl, beautiful and a Christian, has no manner of approach. She argues a lot and very stubborn. Once she makes up her mind, nothing will make her change or bend. This is a problem on its own for those close to her.

The second girl is beautiful, caring and obedient. She contributed financially during my education and assist in house chores. However as a woman she lacks self control. My cousin almost slept with her in my room, but for my timely appearance. 

She once lied to a friend of mine who was wooing her that we were siblings. Although I have severally asked her so many times to stay away from me, but after few days, we would be closer than before. The third girl, my soulmate, is the last in my life. Please how do I stop the other two from destroying my love for this third girl and how do I build on my feelings for her? 

Worried Boy

Dear Worried Boy,

From where I sit, you don’t have any problem except the one you have created for yourself through your greed for women. A man who cannot control his lust for women will find it difficult to be contented with one woman despite whatever he feels for a particular woman.

The only way you can ever enjoy the company of the women you have settled for is to terminate every other relationship you are into.

Honestly, your relationship with your third girlfriend doesn’t need the help of the other woman to go down; you are already doing that through yours inability to make up your mind concerning your multiple relationships.

Fortunately, you know the abilities and disabilities of these other women; you cannot accuse them of concealing their true nature from you because they have stripped themselves of any pretences right before you.

Not every man is that lucky. Some would have married them before discovering the nature of their wives.

This is the point you get to where you tell yourself the truth. Despite what you know about the character of your first and second girlfriend, why are you still keeping them in your nest? What are the attractions to these women?

It isn’t often that love alone influences some men like you stick to one woman. For some men, they will always have reasons to look else where even when married to one of the best women on earth.

Therefore you must have a reason to love and nurse your love for the woman your heart appears to have settled for. It has nothing to do with the other ladies you are leaving or anyone for that matter.

The logistics of how you groom and grow this relationship depends on how much you trust in your own judgment of her person as well as the measure of happiness you have bargained for in your life.

But one thing you can count on, no matter how much this third lady loves you, chances of you getting her full commitment would disappear the moment she knows she is part of a chain of women in your life.

So it behooves you to get your acts right by doing away with the other women to give you the time to settle down with the one your heart wants.

Also it is imperative you do it before settling down in your service state.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626

How do I stop this insanity?

Dear Agatha, 

This problem doesn’t concern me directly but it will affect my sister if it eventually blows open.

It has to do with the sister to my sister’s husband and our neighbor. About three weeks ago, I came back home from an errand my sister sent me to find our flat locked.

I didn’t find the key where we normally leave it so I went downstairs to ask the security man if my sister’s sister-in-law left the key with him. He replied that she hasn’t come down all day. As I was going back upstairs to knock harder on the door; thinking she may have slept off, I saw her and the married man opposite our flat kissing at the top of the stairs. They quickly disengaged when they heard my steps.

I pretended not to have seen them in order not to embarrass both of them. Besides, she was a lot older than I am. When I tried to question her about what I saw, she shut me up with a slap; telling me to mind my business. She also threatened to deal with me should I tell anybody about her affair with the man.

I am however bothered because of the problems that will occur should the wife of the man finds out about the affair.  Other neighbours may not notice because we are at top flats and share the same passage.

Once everybody is out of the house, she migrates into this man’s flat. I don’t know what he does for a living but he is home most of the time. His wife leaves the house as early as 6 a.m. and comes back very late. They have only a child, a five year old son he takes to school in the morning after which he comes back home.

I’m scared. My friend I told about the incident said I should alert my sister about it arguing that I am aiding and abetting her to destroy another woman’s home by my silence.

I am so very confused about it. Please help me. I am 16 while she is 22. What should I do?

Derin.

Dear Derin,

This is something you can handle on your own without involving your sister or husband. Since she has decided to use force and threats, there is nothing stopping you from doing same in getting her to listen to your opinion.

But you must get this clear; it is her life hence she has a right to do whatever she pleases with it. Your interest in her life begins and ends with the implication on your sister and family should the man’s wife discover she is having an affair with her husband.

Explain to her that if the affair involved someone else, not known to the family, you wouldn’t have bothered with what she does with her life.

Make it clear to her too that the next time she slaps you on account of her relationship with this man, you will have no choice but to inform your sister and brother-in-law about the affair she is having with their neighbor.

Let her understand that you are not trying to ply into her affairs but to stop everybody being embarrassed by her conduct should the affair blow open and becomes public knowledge. Make her understand that it is one thing to be in an affair with a married man and another thing entirely for the affair to be going on in the woman’s matrimonial home.

Ask her how she would feel if she is the other woman? How would she feel going out to work all day and coming back home to the knowledge of another woman sharing her husband right in her home?

She may not want to listen to you but make her understand the gravity of what she is doing not just to herself but to the entire family who maybe forced to move houses as a result of the scandal that normally follows such a situation.

If she fails to listen to you, you may have no choice but to tell your sister about it. Telling your sister will free you from the guilt of not telling her as well as the burden your knowledge of the affair between both of them has placed on you.

By then it would be the decision of your elder sister to confront her sister-in-law or inform her husband about the illegal affair going on between his sister and their neighbor.

As for you, mind your business and concentrate on the business that brought you to your sister’s house. To pry too much is to distract yourself from that thing most important to you in life.

If at the end of the day, you don’t think you want to be fingered as a gossip in the whole episode, try to ignore her completely.

Good luck.

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com , Tel: 08054500626

Do I go back to my first girlfriend?

Dear Agatha,

I’m concurrently running two relationships. I met the first lady through my sister; who actually recommended her. We started dating even though I really didn’t love her as such.

In December 2012 precisely, I met this other lady in the church. It was instant between us. A few days after our meeting, we had sex. I kept dating both of them until the second lady lost her job sometime in April. I was there for her and encouraged her. She met an American returnee, who made her his PA. They were always together and I didn’t like it one bit especially as the man was divorced. I voiced my discomfort to her but she denied anything intimate between the two of them. 

Her presence in my life made me to start keeping the other lady at a distance. To cut the story short, I told her she has to let go of the man and to also stop going to his house.

That announced the beginning of our problems. She bluntly refused my order insisting her boss gave her a new lease of life. 

These days, we are always quarreling and fighting and I’m tired of it. I think I’m going to make do with my first woman because she appears better and I trust her more and she gives me peace of mind. I want to let go of the other woman. What do you think?

Worried Boyfriend.

Dear Worried Boyfriend,

You are your own problem by your inability to decode what you want from women on one side and your own interpretation of love on the other side.

Unless you cool your heels to define what you understand by love, you will continue to run into mud-covered waters in your relationships.

For instance, you must have a discerning spirit to detect the right woman for you. If you are the kind of man who equates sex with love, chances are you will always be disappointed because if the woman finds a more profitable sex out there, chances are she might leave you high and dry.

Besides, if you weren’t blinded by your own lust and ideas of what you think you want, you should have thought twice before investing your emotions into her.

This is because, sleeping with her few days after you meet her really doesn’t speak well of a woman you met in the church, a place of worship and moral sanctification. If you had met her on the street or through someone like you did your first girlfriend, it wouldn’t have mattered so much what she does with her body.

But it calls to question the moral value of a woman who you met in the church. That should have sounded the alarm bells for you to be careful and dig deeper into her kind of character.

What did she go to church to learn if not to reform her character and attitude?

If you really think of it, you shouldn’t be surprised or hurt by her attitude at all. If she did it with you, there is nothing stopping her from doing it with another man with the same ease she went with you.

Also, you lack the right to be hurt because you haven’t been exactly faithful to her since you are also double dating. He who comes with equity must come with clean hands. Your hands aren’t exactly without blemish. Given the fact that you had a subsisting relationship before meeting her; didn’t terminate whatever you had going with the other lady before starting something with her, do you really think you have a right to complain or feel jealous about her relationship with her boss?

In addition asking her to stop work based on your own insecurity over her association with her boss isn’t fair. Beyond suspicious and your own insecurity, what other evidences do you have to warrant you asking her to stop work?

As personal assistant, her job is defined by what her boss wants or location. To make such a demand of her is forgetting she has other commitments to herself, family and friends. Unless you are willing to meet with all her demands, you can’t stop her from working moreso, she isn’t your wife.

She must survive to enjoy a relationship or to be at peace with you. it would have been a different thing if you are offering her another job or setting up a profitable business for her before asking her to quit. If she quits, what will she be coming back to?

I think you are just being selfish because you are only thinking about yourself without giving a damn on how she feels or what she will depend on if she listens to you.

Sincerely, the women in your life aren’t your problem. Your selfishness would end up being your undoing. Life is having a good brew of satisfaction to be patient with whatever life throws at one. You want to eat and have your cake which is impossible in life. No one succeeds putting self on the front burner at all times. You must first be willing to invest in others to reap satisfaction at the end of the day.

Relationship is like a flower you must groom with tender care, attention, selflessness and dedication at all times. It is never too young or old to receive all its essential nutrients if it must survive all that life is bound to throw at it.

There is no easy route in life. Besides, the best things in life are the ones that come with thorns and hard labour.

Good as going back to the other lady appears to be, my worry is, are you good enough for her? Have you learnt all the lessons there are to learn to make this woman happy?

You didn’t treat her right the first time. You were looking for the glitz and glamour you think love is. The worst thing any man or woman can do to his or her partner; isn’t in being unfaithful but maltreating and devaluing one’s love and feelings on account of meeting another person. It is always best to end a relationship or even marriage at the point you know you cannot keep it going than to stay in it and begin something new with another person. It hurts more and leaves a very bitter taste in the mouth.

There is no way you would ever have thought of going back to this other lady, if things had worked between you and your second girlfriend. Therefore you are not going to her because you love her but that you think she is available and desperate to have you in her life. Granted she may not have voiced her resentment against your treatment of her doesn’t mean she might not have noticed the presence of another woman in your life or that you can’t be bothered about her feelings.

Like you, this woman has feelings and would be so unfair if you are going to her on a rebound without plans on how to make her happy.

You must be able to answer the basic questions of what you feel for her? How strong are these feelings? Are they strong enough to stop you from derailing, wanting something she doesn’t have to give you?

Don’t go back until you are very sincere in your answers to these questions else, you will end up hurting her more than you have already done to her. you know you wouldn’t have ever come back to her if things had gone well between you and this other girl hence you must take care to know she is what you need in your life by not treating her like a door mat or a tap you can turn on and off at your will.

It is also imperative you don’t give her false hopes at all. It is either you want her or you don’t. Don’t treat her like that old cloth you don’t want yet finds it difficult to let go. to do that would be destroying her for any other man that might genuinely love her.

Go to her only when you are sure you have lent something fundamental from this experience of yours. How to look beyond a woman’s physical presentation to the treasures she has inside of her.

Good luck.

Share a problem with Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626

I’m sexually confused

Dear Agatha,

My problem probably isn’t as dire as some of the others published on your
page, but it is serious in a way.
I’m a sexually confused girl. Still a virgin and 20 years old. I
can’t see my future with a girl, but of late I haven’t been attracted to guys at all though I used to. -
But I notice girls all the time. Friends tell me I’ve turned into
something of a man-hater, except for the few guys I can hang out with and be comfortable around.

Lately there is this guy in college I’d been very friendly with. Of late, I have been going through difficult times with most of my friends. Somehow this guy started showing feelings for me. Initially, I didn’t notice but did one day when we went out. He began to act inappropriately towards me but I managed to convey part of my disinterest.

I started ignoring the guy and avoiding him at the same time even though he was harassing me with calls.
He eventually got the message and has been throwing me those annoying glances
in class; it’s all he can do, since I don’t talk to him or even look his way anymore. I feel like throwing
bricks at him because his attitude is annoying me.

And there’s this other guy, who I really like, it started out with me
noticing him and then into admiring everything he does. In my head, he is so sweet anytime he does something for me.

 But I know it will also pass.
Anyway my main question is this; What do I do about the man   who used to be a friend, but turned into a pervert when he tried to manhandle me?
I have no intention of entering a relationship and maybe for that
reason I feel horny, for lack of a better word most of the time. 

I always end up reading Harlequins!  So how do I stop? Is there anything I could do to douse it?

Worried Girl. 

Dear Worried Girl,

What you feel is perfectly normal at your age because you are between the age of curiosity and reality. Your body is demanding for things that are normal but which common sense demands that you don’t do for now.

This is because you are at a precarious stage of your life when any mistake can destroy everything for you.

For some young men and women, it is also normal to go through this period of confusion in your sexual preferences. There is nothing to be ashamed of in feeling horny. Like I said, it is normal as long as you don’t give freedom to it to control you. It is a feeling you can defeat easily as long as you are determined to.

Don’t forget at 20, you are just emerging from the period of heavy parental control to semi independence. You are floating between your childhood years and becoming an adult. Internally your senses are going through emotional revolution; your childhood years are resisting your maturity hormones which in their bid to prepare you for your biological functions are releasing emotionally deadly chemicals into your system.

Sex for you at your age becomes almost like a hunger for a particular kind of fashion. Whether you like it or not, thoughts of having sex will come. But this is where your duty as a responsible young adult comes to heavy play.

Your must learn the art of resisting whatever it is that is going on inside you. It is the only way to develop a clear perception about the kind of things you want to achieve in life and importantly, the kind of partner that will help you in achieving those dreams with the minimal stress.

If you don’t have a dream of who you are, what to be, you risk the danger of allowing any kind of man into your space. The end result is a cocktail of men in your life who lack what it takes to drive you into your success lane in life. For this reason, learn to be firm and properly focused.

None of the young men in your life can make it right for you unless you first of all get it right for yourself.

A man you don’t want in your life, make it clear to him through your attitude. The one you like, learn to be friendly but be careful you don’t give him wrong ideas about what you really have in mind.

At your age, your friends should cut across both genders. The best way to navigate thorny paths in life is to be friendly. Friendship offers you a unique opportunity to study the character and nature of the man.

To really help yourself overcome the sexual burden you have placed on yourself is to stop dwelling on it. Read books that will help you develop normally and grow you in the ways of God.

Your Bible will help you reduce some of those horny feelings you have any day and time.

Once you are able to balance your spiritual with your physical, you will not fail or fall victim of your own desires. When men perceive a signal of sexual desperation in a woman, like the hunters they are they will take on the opportunity to nest but are cautious in their approach when they know the woman isn’t up for grabs or that she knows what she wants from life. Therefore have a dream first before placing sex on the table.

Good luck.

My friends all want my girl

Dear Agatha,

I appreciate your help on relationships. Thanks a million for all your help.  

Please what do I do with my friends who go after my girlfriend asking her to use the opportunity of our misunderstanding to date them?

The guys going after my girlfriend are all aware that we have been dating for period of four years. 

She told me everything my friends did and said when we made up.

Please advice me on what to do to these guys.

Disappointed Friend.

Dear Disappointed Friend,

Welcome to the true nature of life. Life is like a jungle where you have to constantly watch your back for predators.

Rather, than get angry with what your friends did, be happy that they did because it has helped you appreciate who your true friends are.

If this incident didn’t happen, you will still be under illusion that you have dependable friends, people you can count on to in times of trouble.

That they did what they did is an important lesson on knowing who to trust or not.

Such friends come into one’s life to remind us to depend more on God than human beings.

Now that you know the kind of friends that they are, be wise on how to relate with them. Learn to be stingy with the information you give out about yourself and relationship.

Also, use the time you both have to cultivate the attitude of resolving your challenges between yourselves. Your friends attempted to come between both of you because they realized the weak chain in your relationship; which unfortunately, is you.

Whatever information your friends thought they could use in discrediting you where your girlfriend is concerned, were gotten from you.

It isn’t everything happening in your relationship that you or your girlfriend should tell friends.  The secret of every relationship lies in the ability of the couple to settle their differences privately.

It also goes to show that your friends are envious of your relationship; a good reason for you as the man to depend more in your judgment. That your friend said all those things about you underscores the carelessness in which you talk.

You are lucky that your woman is disciplined else, you would have lost everything.

However, this incident puts your person on the stage. What kind of friend are you? if all your friends were determined to ruin your relationship of four years, then something is really wrong too with your own person. Most times friends are a reflection of who we are. What kind of friend are you to other people? Can they trust you with their women or situation? Look back to the past for explanations on what could have informed your friends’ behavior as well as their desire to see you get hurt.

Can you remember what it is?Going down memory lane will help you know how to proceed with such friends. As a matter of fact, making attempts to fight them would be giving them a reason to say they got to you. Pretend, you aren’t aware of what they tried to do to you and your relationship.

When around them, cuddle your woman the more, allowing them to witness the kind of deep understanding you both have been able to build over the years. There is no sweeter revenge seeing that rather than succeed in destroying you, they have only succeeded in bringing you both together.

It will also help shape you into a better person.

Good luck.

Should I leave him?

Dear Agatha, 

May God continue to bless you.
Deep inside me I’m truly fed up with my marriage of more than two years;
without a child to show for it. My husband has changed as he sees nothing good in me. He calls me names most of the time. 

I can no longer share my joy, fears, thoughts and dreams with him without him reading
negative meanings into it. He feels I’m responsible for our childlessness.

Do I tell him to get another woman who will make him happy by giving
him a child that I may probably not be able to give him?
I need your advice please.

Concerned Wife

Dear Concerned Wife,

Why do you want to give up your marriage so easily without a fight? The fact that you are yet to give birth to a child doesn’t make your marriage not worth fighting for.

There is no marriage without its peculiar kind of challenges. What guarantees do you have that the next one would be better than the one you appear so much in haste to pack up?

Beyond the issue of his irritations is the challenge of the pair of you not being able to have a child to show for your two years of staying together. That you both appear hesitant in discussing the issue is the reason your marriage is in quandary.

Unless you make a concerted effort at pulling your marriage out of this abyss, the crisis in your marriage may escalate beyond your control.

Important as children are, they are not the sole reason for the success or otherwise of any marriage. If it were so, many marriages blessed with children won’t be collapsing like packs of cards.

If recent statistics are anything to go by, there are more children from broken homes or crisis prone homes than there are children from really happy homes. This should tell you that a good marriage isn’t based on the presence of children. rather, a happy home is a product of love, loyalty, patience, tolerance, understanding, submissiveness on the part of the woman and large doses of daily prayers to overcome the challenge of two total strangers coming together to build a viable home.

There are so many things you are yet to discover about your husband just as he too has to be patient to understand your nature better.

But if you as the woman isn’t prepared to endure his mood swings; sometimes rude behavior, it simply means you aren’t ready for the rigors of managing a man’s mood and home.

If any woman tells you that her marriage is 100% stress free that person is lying to you. Like a beautiful garden tells the story of a dedicated gardener, a successful marriage tells the story of a couple, especially a woman who is ready to put up with the excesses of a man.

As long as your husband isn’t violent, there is still plenty of room for you to maneuver and get your marriage back on track.

Unlike you, your husband has nothing much to lose if this marriage packs up. As a man, he can easily move on and before you know it, has another woman in his life. But life isn’t so fair and without complications for the woman who has to carry the can of a failed marriage longer than the man.

This is the junction you get in life and examine what you really want from it. Is this marriage totally lacking in potentials? Is your husband absolutely too difficult to talk to? Is it that you no longer love him or he you? Do you think your marriage would have been happier than it is now if you had been able to give him a child? Deep down, is the lack of a child the reason he is no longer happy with you?

Besides, at what point did the problems in your home become so unmanageable?

Also what attempts have you made to discuss the situation between the two of you with him?

Sincerely, this is the time to be very honest with yourself. There is no hiding behind a finger if you want real solutions to your problem.

First you have to be certain you still have true feelings for this man; sufficient to pull your marriage from the downwards slide. If you don’t love him, it would be pointless for both of you to continue whether there is a child or not. Much as a marriage is a journey of severe endurance, it helps to have deep feelings for your spouse. This is what makes the journey hopeful on one hand and you the determination to see it to the end.

This is why you must first ask yourself certain pertinent questions; the kind that will unearth your true feelings for this man and point you at the right direction to go. If your mind is no longer in it, don’t pretend irrespective of the opinion of friends and family members, because it is a burden you will never be able to carry on your own.

But if convinced that you can cope, this is the point you get to in this kind of situation you tell it all.

Often than not, a woman gets all the blame when there is an absence of a child in a marriage. if he is changing towards you, he probably thinks you are the cause of the problem.

As a woman, do you think you are? What kinds of risks did you take as a single lady? How many abortions did you do and where? A lady may go through one abortion and end up being infertile as a result of the incompetence of the person who performed the abortion while, another may go through several and is able to conceive effortlessly.

It is sad that the risks a woman takes with her body as a single woman always wait for her in the future. Is there anything you are hiding from your man; something that could be directly or remotely connected with your inability to get pregnant? You see, it can really be painful if you are fighting a cause you don’t know its genesis. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel standing by someone who is withholding vital information about his or her circumstances from you?

Give him a good reason to stand by you by telling him all that he needs to know about you. At least he would have the confidence to defend you when his family members come with their pressures or when friends make fun of him.

One thing the truth does, is giving us the confidence to face whatever the situation we find ourselves in. Your husband will stand by the truth you tell him.

Furthermore, have you both been to a doctor? What are the conclusions of the doctor? What did he find out from his examinations of both of you? Who is at fault? If he knows the truth about your past, nothing the doctor says would come to him as a surprise.

And if both of you haven’t visited the doctor, it is time you did together. Don’t premise whatever you are doing on guess work, the fault could be from him. Some couples are perfectly okay medically but simply cannot produce children together. There are also couples that go through a long period of waiting before becoming parents. When it comes to infertility, so many things can go wrong so, it helps to know where to look at for solutions.

The truth is, both of you have to go to see a doctor together. It doesn’t matter who is at fault. Provided both of you are committed to each other, there is no problem without solutions as long as God is put on the driver’s seat.

If there is perfect understanding between the two of you, there is nothing stopping both of you from adopting a child or children. What matters at the end of the day is how much love you both invest on the child(ren).

As a woman, learn to pray for patience and tolerance in whatever you do.

In addition, two years is too short a time for you to be overtly worried about lack of a child. Some couples stay for almost two decades to have a child of their own.

Good luck.