Sunday, March 8, 2009

Age Difference, My Uncle’s Objection Of Her Disturb Me


Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I love very much who left her former boy friend because of differences in morals and decency between them. We have dated for one year. I am 30 years of age and she is just 19, a 100-level student in a university.

She comes from a morally and financially stable family. Her dad stays abroad while her mother and her other siblings are in Nigeria. Her father is making concerted efforts to make her further her education.

In anticipation of this, we have discussed what becomes state of our relationship should she travel abroad. She promised to be faithful to me pending when I am able to join her. And that if she eventually stays back in Nigeria, I would have to be patient for her to finish both her education and the compulsory national youth service before we can get married.

Initially the mother wasn’t comfortable about our age and educational differences but later reconsidered her stance on the matter. Her father hasn’t been told about our relationship.

My problem is fear of her changing her mind while abroad or in school in Nigeria because of distance and time and what the dad might say of the differences between us when he gets to know. Thirdly, my uncle is insisting I cannot marry her because he considers her not a very prayerful person like we are in our church.

Agatha what do I do as I don’t want to lose her. I am a banker.

Omoboy.


Dear Omoboy,

At 30 you are more than old enough to know what you want. Having dated her for more than a year, you are in the best of positions to know if she is the right woman for you or not. Besides the issue of her being able to pray as you do in your church isn’t an issue at all.

Since you can pray, there is nothing stopping you as the head of the home from teaching her how to pray properly. This falls squarely within your jurisdiction as a couple and not the business of your uncle to disqualify her on that account. What matters most are the moral credentials she parade. Some women are very serious prayer warriors but lack the other ingredients that give a man complete happiness at home.

No two people will ever have the right attitude towards prayers. It is often a case of our partner having more thirst than the other. The balance comes from the willingness of both of them to help and learn from the other.

As for the father not supporting your relationship, it is expected given the age differences between the two of you but once you and your woman know what you both want, he would have no choice after a while to support your relationship.

The major obstacles are you and your partner. How long can you afford to wait for her? Would you have the patience and trust to wait for her to complete her education as well as finish serving before you marry her? Given the fact that you are already working and in a good place too, would you be able to withstand the pressures from family and friends after a while? Would you also be able to after a while to withstand the emotional torture of seeing your friends all settled while you are still waiting for your woman to finish? At 19, she is still young and in need of her independence to explore her youth as well enjoy a certain percentage of freedom before she finally bids it a complete good-bye. Do you have the patience and maturity to understand this need in her; that at her age a certain kind of rebellion might arise if anyone tries to impede this thirst of freedom in her? Can you cope seeing her with her peers laughing and actually enjoying their company without you jumping at the wrong conclusion?

It takes more than love to handle a relationship such as yours. You in particular must at all times be above board, have sufficient trust in her as well as your commitments to each other not to hold on to the wrong end of the stick. You must avoid putting your relationship under undue pressures resulting from unfounded suspicions as well as lack of trust in her. This is very important if you are serious about not losing her. The moment she perceives you as being unduly insistent on knowing everything she does as well as everything about her friends, she may rebel against you.

You must learn from this early beginning to trust her as well as her judgment. It is no for only now but for the future too. Being couple must not affect your individual dreams as well as the right of choice to some private thoughts and moments. You must learn to give her the freedom to be her own person if you want her to be happy or you to be happy for that matter. What she needs from you now is your trust and friendship.

When love crosses the borderline and becomes suffocating, it can destroy whatever chance of growth and fulfilments it offers the couple. She can only respect you if you learn to trust her with all your hearts. Your handling of difficult and inexplicable situations would go a long way in shaping her attitude towards you as well as your relationship even after marriage. If you develop the attitude of discussing things with her and asking for clarifications when in doubt, she would learn to be cautious, give information without resentment or bitterness.

Always have it at the back of your mind that the 11 years differences is for you to help her to mature without giving up her own dreams or feeling that you are rushing up into a situation she isn’t really prepared for. The problem that couples in your kind of relationship have is the woman feeling she is being rushed into a situation she isn’t ready for on account of the attitude of the man. While reminding her of her responsibilities to you, you must be careful not to make it obvious what you are doing.

On her part, she cannot afford to be too rigid about her timetable. Surely both of you can come to a reasonable agreement to marry once she finishes writing her final examination before she goes for her youth service. It is called compromise. None of you can afford to be too rigid. Like you, she must be willing to contribute her quota of sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. You have to make her understand your fears too. The way she handles this would go a long way in demonstrating her understanding of what a relationship entails as well as her own willingness to nurture this relationship to maturity. To be candid, it may prove to be the first major test to your relationship since it would expose individual weaknesses. Irrespective of the possibility of what could happen, still discuss it with her.

As for the fears of losing her to another man, it is a chance you must have to take for love. Losing her won’t be as a result of her age or the fact that she is still in school. It could come from either of you. She may discover that she isn’t as much in love as she thought or you discovering that you want something more which she isn’t ready to give.

Ultimately, trust your relationship to God. He is what counts the most at the end of the day.

Good luck.