I caught her with another man

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626 Dear Agatha, I am 45 years of age while my wife is 27 years old. We started living as man and wife a year ago but I have been the one responsible for her secondary and university education. She finished her youth service two years ago. While she was in school, she didn’t allow me come close to her because she claimed to be a virgin. Before I took on the responsibility of paying her school fees, I met with the parents and some members of her family who collected the bride price and other things required for traditional marriage from me. She was there and agreed to everything. When she finished her secondary school education, with her consent every other thing we didn’t do when she was much younger was completed. We even did the wine carrying. Because I had plans for her, I didn’t try to force enforce my rights as tradition demands after such ceremony. While in year one, her father forced us to go to the registry. He said he wanted things done properly. We agreed that the church wedding will be done after she graduated. This we did before she went for her youth service. That night when I demanded to sleep with her, she said she was having her period so I allowed her be. She left for orientation camp almost immediately. Since she was posted to the North, she didn’t bother to come home for the whole year claiming it was too far for her. When I asked to come, she declined that it was not advisable for me to, because of Sharia. Because of my age, I ignored many signs I was seeing as well as the things people were saying about her. even when I knew she was lying about being a virgin, I played along with her because of the story of my life. I have never been lucky with women. It has always been one disappointment or the other, despite being the best looking and most successful among my friends, I am the one who has the most challenge in my relationships. If the women don’t leave me for other men; sometimes my so called friends, they end up disappearing with my money or car. Fed up, I went in search for spiritual help and discovered that my stepmother was behind my problems. She wanted to hit back at me for my father’s perceived sins. This informed my reason to train and marry my wife. When she finally allowed me to sleep with her, I discovered she wasn’t a virgin; she came up with so many excuses but I told her not to bother. I have seen and went through worst things in the hands of women. Just at the time I was beginning to think my problems were over, I ran into her in a guest house with a man. I was there in company of my business associates. Only three weeks before the incident she told me she was four weeks pregnant. Since the incident, she has been begging me to forgive her. She has sworn with everything, including the Bible that the pregnancy is mine and that since marrying me, it was the first time she has been unfaithful to me. She confessed that the man I saw her with was the man who deflowered her and the one she dated all through her university years. that they agreed to meet on that day to discuss the problem he was having with his wife to be only for them to end up in the room. Her parents and family, she told the incident are all begging me to forgive her. the pastor too has joined his voice in pleading with me. He said, if I am able to forgive her, a lot of things will change in my life that she was programmed to behave that way so that I can continue to be unhappy. I have really come to love her in the one year we have been together. she is very respectful, loving and caring but can I ever trust her to tell the truth? First, she lied about her virginity and now this! I am so confused. Please help me. I am the only child of my mother for my father. I don’t have anyone but you to turn to. Feyinti. Dear Feyinti, Life has a way of presenting us with a bouquet of thorny choices; impossible to run away from. There is no avoiding making a choice in this matter. You either ask her to go, given the gravity of what she has done or trust in your love for her by forgiving her. Ending the marriage appears the easy option but deep down will it make you happy? Whatever anybody says, your own happiness is what is important here. No doubt, seeing the evidence of her infidelity is enough reason for you to turn deaf ears to the pleas of everybody including that of your pastor. And indeed if you look back at the past, the things you have been through before you got to this point, you may want to submit to the natural urge to send her packing especially if you remember the lie she told you about being a virgin. Even if you didn’t say it, it is human to think she is taking you for granted and will again do something greater than those she has done already. Given what she has done, you have every right to withdraw your trust. If you do, nobody will begrudge you or call you harsh and unreasonable. But, in some way, you too remotely share in the blame. There are times when silence isn’t golden. Even if you didn’t want to take the matter of her virginity too far, you should still have discussed it the moment you discovered; you should have also told her all your suspicions and the reasons you ignored them. You should have used that opportunity to share your past with her and the reason you would not want to be hurt by her. Without you issuing threat; that talk would have sent some chill down her spine, to make her sit up. Frankly that refusal to discuss the first lie in a way contributed to this new challenge. It is like a child who has been naughty. If the mother allows that child to escape with the behavior, next time, the child will do something worse than the first. Because of the things you have experienced in the hands of other women you preferred to die in silence than risk giving her a piece of your mind. No marriage works that way. Irrespective of whatever happened in the past, learn to be in charge. Don’t ever let fear permeate your sound reasoning. The rule of every successful marriage is to boldly address all thorny issues as they come. When there is the need to express anger, don’t mask your true feeling with a smile; it has its implication. That you are thrashing out a vexing issue doesn’t mean the marriage is ending or is having problems; far from it. Instead, it is a sign that the couple is determined to make it work. Now that this has happened, it is essential for both of you to talk as a couple. Let her understand your person, experience your anger and confusion over how to thread on this issue. Let her know that the issue here, is not taking her back but, the trust she has murdered twice within a year of your living together as a couple. Tell her to advice you on how to proceed especially if she were in your shoes. The idea is to make her sweat for her forgiveness as well as make her understand the gravity of the situation at hand. Most especially as it has to do with the paternity of the child she is carrying in her womb. Even if you believe her, asking her to defend the ownership of the pregnancy will also help her realize the gravity of what she has done. No woman likes the paternity of her child questioned, especially by the father of the child. In addition, you have to also factor in the spiritual angle to this whole thing. If true your stepmother is determined to make you suffer for the sins of your father against her, there is no telling the length she will go to make her wish come true. Since she obviously couldn’t stop your financial prosperity or your being married against her wish, she will always be sourcing different ways to make you suffer and be unhappy. Because marriage is everlasting, one that is elastic enough to overcome betrayal, disappointment as well as pains; you and your wife must talk first. Insist she tells you everything there is to tell you about her life as well as her relationship with the other man. If he is still around her, ask her what she wants. Failure, to deal with the presence of this other man in her life will always hunt you and the marriage. She has to come out to say how she feels about you as well as her wish especially concerning the other man. If she wants the other man, best you allow her go before she does more harm to you. As for the child, you both can reach an agreement. But if she gives the assurance that the man is out of her life; believe her and allow the matter rest. Involving her family in her mess; to beg you shows the depth of her regrets. The truth is, no marriage is perfect. Ironically, it is this imperfection that gives marriage its unique character. There is no sin, true love cannot forgive in a marriage or relationship. It is a matter of know what is important to you. Good luck.

Do I forgive him?

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Agatha, You are doing a good job. God bless you for being there for us. About 10 years ago, while at the university, there was this boy I dated. I left him due to his cruel nature. Many times he would beat me for no just cause. His violence was legendary that the landlord of the apartment we shared had to beat him on the day he stripped me right in front of every body for daring to talk back to him when he brought another woman to the apartment. When I made up my mind to leave him, I discovered I was pregnant. I tried to abort it but it just refused to be aborted. When I went back to the doctor who performed the abortion, he was very surprised to discover the fetus was still there. He advised me not to tamper with the pregnancy if I valued my life. Not done with my attempt to terminate the pregnancy, I went to see another doctor who after examining me told me not to risk it as the child was delicately positioned and that any attempt to touch it could lead to my death. Left with no choice, I informed him about the verdict of the doctors. Though I wasn’t expecting much from him but I didn’t envisage the kind of violence and profanities he uttered at the news. His mother when I went to her too drove me away insisting I should get rid of the baby because she wasn’t ready to be a grandmother now. It wasn’t easy at first but I eventually was able to cope with my pregnancy and studies. My mother although didn’t reject me but she kept her distance so I was left alone to care for my child. I would back my child to school and during examinations, friends would take turns in caring for her. Fortunately she didn’t cry and was such a lively baby which made things very easy for me to manage. I was also very lucky to be retained in the bank I served so my child and I had an easy start in life. Because of the way I was treated, I have respectfully kept my distance from my family members. I only go home when it is absolutely unavoidable and even at that I leave almost immediately to avoid any form of interactions with anybody. I had to go home for my sister’s traditional marriage following my father’s summons. Because of the situation between me and them, my sister didn’t deem it fit to inform of her wedding herself let alone bring the man in question to my house. It was not until that day that I discovered the identity of her husband to be. He turned out to be the father of my daughter. I was so shocked by everything happening because I recall introducing this same man to my parents when we were in school. Well, when it was being suggested that I was envious of my sister and out to destroy her, I quietly left the scene with my daughter. I didn’t bother to go for the white wedding or ask them how they were faring because I was hurt, embarrassed by the whole incident. I didn’t know anything about them or what challenges they were going through until I got a call from my mother that she would like to come to the house to see me. I obliged her since I had gotten over the pains of everything that happened to me. I didn’t know what to make of her visit though. Three years had passed without anyone of them talking to me. Even when I call my parents, they would refuse to pick my call so I stopped calling them but never stopped playing my role as a daughter by sending them their monthly allowances. She didn’t come alone. She came in company of my father, my sister and her husband as well as his mother. They came to beg me to forgive and forget the past because everywhere they had been to seek assistance into their childlessness challenge it was revealed thaat their plight was due to the fact he offended me and that I should pray and forgive. That was the easy part of it all. Agatha, what I don’t understand and which is bothering me is the fact that I am expected to live with him as his wife before he can ever father a child. I found the whole thing very funny that I drove them away from my house. That was last year. He and his mother have been coming to my house to beg me. my sister has since left him and, only recently at a crusade in my church, the pastor who came for the programme called me out to repeat the same thing. He said, just as the father of my child can’t marry anyone so also would it be difficult for me to be happy with any other man. He went on to say, God wanted to use the situation to teach him a lesson. Sincerely, I am confused. I don’t love him anymore. Besides I have remodeled my life in such a way it has only space for my daughter and I. My experiences with him are very bitter ones. What child would he have come back to if I had terminated it and who would the mother have come to if I had died while trying to abort the child? I don’t think I can live with him for one second. A friend of mine advised I reconsider going by the other disappointments I have experienced after his. I am so confused. Please help me because I don’t have anyone to go to. Worried Woman. Dear Worried Woman, If that is where God wants you to be there is arguing the reason with the one who made you and knows what He wants for you. Rather than delay God’s plans for you, why not on your own seek Him? There is no situation we are going through that isn’t known to God. He sees the end from the beginning and deliberately allows us go through challenging situations to refine us for greater challenges. He isn’t unaware of what happened between the two of you. Don’t forget that you also tried to terminate the life of this child you hold so precious. In a way you also rejected the child like her father and grandmother did. Had God allowed it to happen, you too would have been guilty of the things you are now accusing them of. God gave you the grace to look after that child, favored you with a good job to enable you guard His plans for you and that child. Our God is a forgiving God. Don’t allow whatever happened in the past to eny you of happiness and peace of mind. Good luck.

Marriage: A reason beyond us

With Agatha Edo, Email: womaneditor@independentngonline.com, gataedo@yahoo.com or agatha.edo@gmail.com,08054500626 Dear Readers, As promised last week, as part of the commemoration of my 50th birthday on the 24th of this month, I will be going into clinic to discuss the marriage institution. Although we daily talk about it, I have discovered that the institution is still veiled in so many myths, misconceptions as well as confusion. Isn’t it funny that an institution meant to bestow happiness and emotional fulfillment on the human race ends up being the source of so much misery and pains? Right from the very beginning of the world, God encapsulated the continuity of the world in the tenets of procreation; which means, the survival of the world is fuelled by relationships. Whatever the age, any form of relationship is required to be healthy. No one can survive the harshness, struggles, and loneliness of the world without the presence of another person. Even man and the environment depend on each other to make the world a safe place to be. The essence of this can be better appreciated when nature revolts against man; the result is man dying in their thousands from natural disasters like the floods and hurricanes we are currently experiencing across the world. Therefore, the concept of marriage, takes its root from, who and what we are to the various environments we live in. Just as the various habitants of earth cannot survive the anger of nature, man and woman need each other to form a healthy existence. But like every game and partnership, there are ground rules to peaceful co-existence of all parties to an agreement. For instance, nature will treat man right if only man recognises his natural bounds. As can be seen, the floods and natural disasters being experienced across the globe is the failure of man to abide by the dictates of his relationship with Mother Nature, for instance building houses and structures in the natural waterways or through productions of nuclear weapons that daily upset the ecological order of things. The intermittent revolt of nature across the world against man and animals is to provoke man into taking a deeper look into his own relationship with those around him. Many of these natural disasters will be averted if man learns to understand and respect the environment he finds himself at all times. This insensitivity and failure of man to appreciate the rights of others, are what we take into our relationships and the reason many marriages are today in grave danger of extinction. So many promising relationships have gone down the drain simply because the other party is too busy feeling important or through sheer ignorance of how to handle certain issues. For any kind of relationship to survive, parties to it must first learn to invest selflessness and wisdom. Every party to a relationship should recognise the different roles of the other and learn to respect these positions. Had Eve recognised the role and position of Adam in their marriage, she would first have consulted him when the serpent came with its bag of tricks aimed at derailing the plans of God for man. Her refusal to acknowledge Adam as the powerbase of their relationship cost both of them and the entire human race our positions in paradise. Rather than walk to paradise, we have to work tirelessly to even get close to it. This is what happens when the wrong factors are played up in a marriage or relationship. Unfortunately, men and women are replicating the same mistake Eve made in the Garden of Eden in the matter of who is in charge as well as who they go into relationship with. Many a time wrong or worthless considerations are played up to the destruction of more fundamental issues. It is not uncommon for parents to pressure their sons and daughters into marriages based on business consideration or financial blessings. A lot of young men and women have ended up with psychological problems due to their failures to properly initialise their relationships long before they even meet the right person. Just like a kindergarten child, every marriage needs the right foundation to peg a relationship. It begins from the nascent moments of life. Our gene is wired by nature to continue the human race hence, whether we know it or not, want it or not, once a child is old enough to recognise its environment, it begins to gravitate towards a member of the opposite gender. The evidence of this is seen in the innocent play of babies. The male toddler’s face lights up in excitement when he sights a female toddler; while she giggles in soft tones reminiscent of the grown up woman’s smile when she meets an admirer. The cycle of life is an amazing intricate web that begins to reinvent itself almost immediately a new life is born. Unfortunately, we are oblivious of the necessity to be conscious of our destiny when making important decisions in life. The primitive gene in us, though has the answer to all the problems in our lives, man through a complete lack of understanding of what life is, looks everywhere but the right place – the heart – for solutions to emotional challenges. Like the mustard seed, a successful relationship/marriage begins with the right feeling and positive thought. For the feeling to yield encouraging roots, it has to be watered with honesty and the right kinds of emotional nutrients. The foundation of a successful relationship/marriage begins from the kinds of examples children are exposed to in their homes. If a child is exposed to love, tolerance and understanding in the marriage of his or her parents, the first and vital lesson is learnt by the child through the example he or she sees, that marriage is a process of sacrifice and respect. But, if a child on the other hand is given the example of a violent marriage, irresponsible father, a nagging as well as abusive mother, these examples go with the child into adulthood and marriage. A materialist and party-loving mother through her example, teaches her daughter to look at the material values of a man rather than the potentials of a man. It will be difficult for such a lady to ever appreciate a struggling and promising man in her life. The same way a highly spiritual woman points her daughter in the direction to go. Except the grace of God is upon a child, the son of a deceitful casanova and drug addict father is bound to take on some of his father’s negative influences. Our childhood exposures are like our skin, they can never be taken off. Often than not, most children pattern their marriages after the ones they grew in. Only in some very rare cases, do children insist on having their dreams. This is why more and more marriages are hitting the rocks. Many couples are ignorantly importing marital issues of their parents into their own marriages; this is in addition to the natural challenges of two complete strangers coming together to make a home. Therefore even before they begin to have their own problems, they already have the challenges from their parents’ marriages to contend with; a sure recipe for confusion, disappointment and frustration in a new marriage. Is it any wonder more and more young couples are throwing in the towel even before the foundation of the marriage has a chance to form? Life is like a river. It brings the past, present and future together. The water from the past always flows into the present and takes it to the future. We cannot escape who we are or the influences of our nascent years. For this reason, parents wishing for their children to have happy homes must be careful of the kinds of baton they are handing over to them. As the first teacher, the imperative thing is on parents to redefine their own marriage, if not for their sakes but in the interest of the children they have brought into the world. This will help in no small way to lessen the rising tide of broken homes. The desire of every parent is to see his or her child happy. This desire shouldn’t stop as a mere wish; it must be followed with a steel clad determination. Giving the child premium academic education is not all that we are required as earthly guardians to do; we are also under obligations to ensure they go into the only institution instituted by God Himself, with the right credentials.