Wednesday, July 27, 2011

He plans to marry me, but flirts around any skirt

With Agatha Edo; email:gataedo@yahoo.com: agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel: 08054500626


Dear Agatha,

You have been touching my life with your answers to other people’s problems. God bless you.
I have a problem with my fiancé who has been agitating for us to settle down as a couple. He keeps saying he is counting on me and that he loves me so much.

I told him I wanted him to be a real born again, before I will accept to spend the rest of my life with him and that we are not going sleep with each other until our wedding day, which he agreed to.

But to my surprise this guy has been going out with other girls and when I discovered and called him for explanations, he told me that the girls are the ones that like him and that he isn’t going to marry them. He assured me that once we are married, he would keep his distance from these women but I sincerely doubt if he will.
Can he change? Really, I am confused, tired of complaining and even loving him again.
Anne.



Dear Anne,

The secret of a peaceful union is learning to accept things you cannot change about one’s partner. The period of a relationship is to help couples know what to expect later in life if they decide to spend the rest of their lives together.

Unfortunately, many people think otherwise; see it more as a time for them to hook at all cost their life partners not minding if the man or woman is right for them.

Forget whatever promises he is making to you now. Learn to base your judgement on the facts before you because these are the things you will live with in the years ahead if you marry him. If he is unable to disguise this side of him during the time when he should put his best foot forward, there are no guarantees that he would ever change as year roles by.

In life, there are certain habits that never change, no matter how hard we try to disguise them. If he lacks respect for your feelings now, isn’t careful that you don’t get hurt by him, you should really not pretend that he would change overnight. There is a limit to what love can tolerate. A love that is constantly subjected to pains, humiliation and embarrassment will one day get tired and give up on whatever it is that is holding it down.

This is where most ladies get it all wrong. Rather than face reality about the defects in the lives of the men they are dating, they allow themselves to be deceived into thinking that they can actually change the man to their way of thinking.

Just as it would be difficult for any man to change certain things about you, you cannot change him overnight. A lot of time, changes come when we get burnt by the desires we cherish most and not because someone wants us to do away with it. Until your boyfriend is confronted by an experience that really touches his soul and person, he may not see any reason to stop swimming in between these women.

Frankly at this juncture, the choice is yours to make. This is the time for you to take stock and come up with a decision you know won’t cause you to cry all the days of your life. Marriage isn’t just about falling in love; it is about staying in peace and harmony with the choice you have made several years down the road.

You must know why you are making certain sacrifices and for what. Unless you have the stamina to cope with his kind of person, you may have to reconsider this relationship especially if you value happiness.

But beyond all that you have said, I think you should really be happy than confused because if nothing else, you have been given the rare opportunity of knowing the nature of the kind of person you are contemplating marrying.

What would you have done if you had found out this aspect of him after marrying him? A lot of the time, things we think are good for us turn out not to be so good. Can you imagine all the pains and disappointments you would have been feeling after giving in to him, marrying him and finding out that he needs more than a woman in his life to be fulfilled?

The lack of enthusiasm to give in to pressures on your part should have warned you of outstanding matters deep down inside you.

This is the point you tell yourself basic truths about what you want from life. To do otherwise is to mortgage your happiness on the altar of sentiments.

Good luck.

Tenets to make distant relationship work please

With Agatha Edo, email:gataedo@yahoo.com:agatha.edo@gmail.com; Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

Please I need your urgent advice on my relationship. I had a friend in school then, casual friend who graduated before me and currently studying abroad. He is from a different tribe. Last year we were chatting and he asked me out and I agreed. We have been talking on phone and through the Internet without seen each other.

However he lost a very close member of his family this year and travelled home. He did not inform me but I got to know because his international number wasn’t going through and I tried his Nigerian number, which went through. He claimed he sent me a message informing me of his arrival but I did not get the message. I got angry and did not visit him throughout his stay and he also did not visit me. He has gone back and claims I was not there when he needed me. He claims his refusal to tell me he was coming was not deliberate but because he was not in a right frame of mind. My mother is of the opinion that I shouldn’t have been that harsh on him because he was in deep grief. Was I too hard on him? Also I do not believe in pre-marital sex and I informed him, he agreed but said he wants petting and physical contact. I do not feel comfortable with the idea and I expressed it to him, he claims it is his weakness and he has to kiss and smooch his girl friend. Can I take him serious? How do I know if a man really loves me or is after my body? What should I do? How can one be sure of a long distance relationship?

Young Lady.

Dear Young Lady,

I agree with your mother. You should have been more accommodating and understanding of the circumstances of his visit to the country. The person who died must have been very close to him to make him travel all the way for the burial.

Under such a situation, he could really have forgotten to tell you he is coming. This is because we all react to grief in different ways. While some have the ability to function normally while in grief, others break down completely becoming such hopeless cases themselves. The fact that he answered your call was enough reason for you to go to him irrespective of whether you were happy with him or not. If nothing else, you would have achieved the opportunity of discussing the issue with him. Besides, your natural curiosity should have overshadowed any anger you felt at his handling of the trip home.

There couldn’t have been a better opportunity for you to get to meet the man you have dated on the phone since last year. The fact that you were not sufficiently motivated by your inquisitiveness to meet him underscores something deeper, which you are either yet to confront or simply refusing to admit to yourself all together.

In addition, it would also have afforded you the chance of getting to know him as well as his family members who would have all been present at the funeral of his relations. There is no way one or two of them wouldn’t have asked him about you. He would naturally have been forced to explain your relationship with him, which would have helped both of you put your relationship in better perspective.

Being the one at home, it would have been easy for you to take proper charge because there are things, places he may not be familiar with again which you know.

Allowing him to go without meeting and seeing you has given him reasons to reconsider so many things about this relationship. For you to abandon him at the point he needed you the most must have created some doubts in him about your suitability as a dependable woman.

Most men want what he wants from you but the onus is on you as the woman to take a stand. Taking a stand for what you believe in isn’t the same thing as avoiding him. You could still have gone and insist that you aren’t ready for what he wants from you instead of staying away. Sincerely your reasons and excuses aren’t tenable at all. It is a very cowardly thing to do because for a man and woman to have a successful relationship, they must meet, be in constant touch with each other to make it work. Relationship and marriage don’t exist in isolation. The difference is between a man lusting after your body and the one loving your person is in the palms of the woman. If you let him know this is what you want and stand by it, he would have no choice but to abide by it if truly interested in you or leave you for a woman who has less principle.

Long distant relationship requires honesty, dedication and sacrifices to work. Call this man if convinced you and he have what it takes to make things work together and apologise for not being there for him. Ask him to give you another chance. Sincerely had you gone to him, he would have been the one apologising to you for coming without telling you but as things are now, you really do need to apologise to him.

Good luck.