Doubt her sincerity to care for my son…

Dear Agatha,

I am desperate for a solution to my problem, which started 13 years ago. 

I had an affair with my friend’s young sister in a moment of weakness. She has always been the wild type and that night, I came home tired. Her brother and I shared a flat. Till date, I don’t know how it all started but the fact remains that she and I ended up in bed that night. By morning, it was too late to change the hands of the clock so I did the gentleman thing of telling my friend all about it and asking him to support my desire to marry her even though I was nothing near my goal in life.

Knowing how wild his sister is he tried to discourage me from doing it but changed his mind when she came back a month later to announce her pregnancy. Unknown to me, she had always boasted to her family and friends that whether I liked it or not, she would end up having me all to herself. I, on the other hand, had always prided myself as principled.

My friend, her brother, who knew all about her scheming wasn’t comfortable with the whole set up and kept telling me that if I changed my mind about marrying his sister, I could always count on his support.

Since the flat was originally mine, my friend moved out to give us privacy. Being my friend’s sister, my family didn’t object too much. I was forced against my will to accept employment from my father’s company to enable me settle into the marriage.

My elder sister whom I told of how it all happened and about my lack of love for her, counselled me to endure the few years that after a while, I would come to see her a friend if nothing else.

I ignored all her attitudes during her pregnancy ascribing them to her condition. She refused to cook my meals. All she did was to give commands to the househelp. Severally, her brother dragged the mother to come and talk sense into her but she told them to mind her business. Her mother kept pleading with me for understanding and being naturally a patient person; it wasn’t difficult for me to endure.However, the birth of my son gave me something to be happy about. He was so cute and adorable. He made me forget my lukewarm feelings toward the mother. At that moment I was ready to love her unconditionally as well as do everything to make the marriage work.

Unfortunately, she abandoned the child and me after six months on the excuse that motherhood and matrimony was inhibiting her freedom and choice to live her life the way she liked.

No member of her family knew her whereabouts. Her mother offered to look after the child but my mother insisting on taking the child with her to California.

My son is now 13 years of age. After that incident, I refused to have anything with a woman for a long time until I met my current girlfriend three years ago. 

At first, I didn’t tell her about my son since I wasn’t too sure of a future between us. I however made up my mind to marry her about three months ago. So I told her about my son. I was prepared for anger but not to the extent of telling me she wouldn’t want to live with my son under the same roof. But she is now back begging me to forgive her that she was now prepared to accept my son and me unconditionally.

To be frank, I am very skeptical about all this. I don’t want to expose my son to a situation that might not augur well for his development. Neither do I want to open my heart to another woman capable of hurting me later in life.

Please help me. I am 39 years of age.

Henry.

Dear Henry, 

In a way, you are to blame for her reactions. Why did you wait until three years after your meeting to inform her about something so fundamental and which also involves her person?

Frankly, your excuse is baseless. How would telling her have affected your decision to marry her or not?

If she reacted violently, it is only for the reason that she didn’t know the man she has been dating for three years well enough. At that point, you came across to her as a complete stranger, some she was just seeing for the first time. In her shoes, what would have been your reactions: that a woman you have been with for three years, keeps such important information away from you?

You didn’t have this child the day you told her. The child has been in your life for 13 years, long before you met her. So you can’t say, you didn’t remember to inform her about him all these while you were having and fine-tuning the relationship. 

Telling her just three months ago, is presenting her with little choice because she has invested time to get to the point of you finding her worthy of asking her to be your wife. If you didn’t tell her about your son, my guess is you also never mentioned the fact that you were once married to another woman. So not only is she faced with the reality of a stepchild but that of an ex-wife. These are things you should have told her long ago, besides you just don’t inform a person you are about to marry about things like that, you discuss such an issue with the person. This is because both parties would have to work together to arrive at a compromise situation to make things easy for you. What you have done is to tell this woman that you don’t trust her as well as put to question your declaration of love for her. 

How do you expect her to be a mother to a child she doesn’t even know exist? What time does she have to get to know him not to talk of learning to love him the way the child deserves to be loved by the woman who would be mother to him?
To be candid, you are the problem here. If she becomes a difficult stepmother, it is only because you laid the foundation for her to be suspicious of your intentions and placement of your son over her. Only few women wouldn’t react the way she did or not think your attitude has to do with the quality of love you have for her. 

Sincerely, you owe her an apology for not preparing her for the task of being a stepmother of a 13-year-old child.

She said those things because she was hurt beyond measure. There is no way you expect her to applaud what you did or automatically welcome the idea of this boy staying with you especially if she didn’t know anything about your previous marriage to another woman or that the child is living with your mother outside the country.

More than you, she is the one who needs all the assurances you are for real and that you don’t have any more dangerous secrets you are keeping away from her. Even though she came back of her own free will, to earn her trust and get the best from her, you must explain everything about your previous marriage to her. She is entitled to every detail of what transpired between you and your ex.

She needs to arm herself with this information to enable her defend or understand your reasons for certain decisions you may take. Because you have a past she isn’t a part of and which she doesn’t have, you have to trust her for herself as well as offer the platform to trust you sufficiently to place her life in your care. 

Irrespective of whether you were the injured one or not; the fact that you have a record of a broken marriage behind you doesn’t exactly make you her best choice considering the headache and stress an ex wife with a child/children represent for the new woman.

If she is therefore willing to take her chances with you, the best you can do is learn to trust her reason. Second guessing an action she has not even taken could cost you this relationship. Another thing you should avoid is to bury your disappointed with your first wife. Don’t allow the memories of how she treated you and her son continue to affect your chances of happiness with another woman. 

You have to learn to live and love again else you subconsciously give her the freedom to continue to rule your life and hurt you all over again. 

Make the effort to create an opportunity for your son and his future mother to meet. If you haven’t told your son about her, please make out the time to. Ensure he understands your reason to have a woman in your life. Be patient to listen to his questions because they mirror his fears as well as hope. Don’t make promises you know maybe impossible. 

Don’t also try to be the image-maker of your woman. Allow both of them meet and fall in love with each other naturally. Both of them have to find their cadence together as mother and child. Step aside for them to make the necessary mistakes as well as the required adjustment to move forward. They each have to learn to respect the place and feelings of the other because she would produce your son’s other siblings.

Believe me, if you handle this situation with maturity and wisdom it requires, you will have less to worry about.

Above all learn to pray yourself into success always.

Good luck.

Are you sure real love is not an illusion?

Dear Peter, 

Without love, there is no life. The world derives its origin and strength from love. 

Love is evident in all relationships of the world. It takes an element of love for two people to even become friends. 

What the different are however the different hues love comes in as well as our understanding of what it is all about.However for it to make meaning to us, it requires a thorough study as well as preparation.

Its preparation begins with us. What is our comprehension of love? Love begins by knowing what it is as well as application. There is no way you can give what you don’t have or something can come from nothing.

The foundation of a study of love comes from us applying it to ourselves. When you love yourself, know how you want to be treated by people around you, it makes you very sensitive to what others also expect from you. Only people who are ignorant of love and its expectation go around life hurting others. 

For love to bloom, it has to be properly founded on certain principles. It has to be enduring, selfless, supportive, caring, patient, tolerating, understanding, accommodating, humble, sensitive, respectful as well as responsible.

There is no way love can make it if premised on selfish foundation. A lot of time, love becomes a shade of pains and ugliness because the person professing it sees it as a self-serving emotion, in which case it becomes insensitive and disrespectful of the other person’s feelings as well as thoughts. Above all the person must understand why God created love.God created love for friendship and companionship. He knows that without friendship, love becomes nothing but an animalistic urge similar to what lesser animal experiences. This is why love is a spiritual thing. It has to first succeed at the spiritual level before it can work physically. 

This is the mystery of love, why we love a particular person and prefers to be friends with another kind of person. 

Having given us the knowledge of good and bad as well as ability to understanding our supremacy over all other creations, He gave love to help us relax, shape the world and improve on our environment. 

When love is properly applied, it helps create in the environment a deep friendship as well as a deep feeling of selflessness. This is why a person really in love is a very happy and contended person to deal with. The patience and tolerance to listen comes from the confidence of knowing that out there is someone who is very supportive as well as caring.

Love brings the baby in all of us out. It reminds of our dependency on others to make us whole. When true love exists it takes us back to our early happy years, those years when the support and presence of our parents gave us the confidence to do the impossible. 

There is no way love can be celebrated without an accompanying determination to place the interest of the other person first. This is the kernel of love itself because it breeds loyalty and trust. Without both parties first making the sacrifice to accommodate the views and opinion of the other, it becomes difficult for both of them to appreciate why things should be done certain ways to accommodate the feelings of both of them. 

This willingness is where the thread of respect comes into play. It has to be carefully patterned to make each member of the partnership relaxed and happy. If a thread is heavily patterned to favour one side, the delicate balance needed to harmonise the different personalities of the two parties becomes very difficult to attain.Therefore for the two persons to have a sensible relationship, both of them must have the humility required to take in the other person’s view without feeling cheated or left behind.So, for you to get the type of love you want, you must be ready to invest into it. You must give it your best by devoting time to the principle governing it. 

If your understanding of love is only based on sex and materialism, chances are you would continue to suffer pains and disappointment because only the wrong persons would come your way. 

To help you appreciate love, first look at what you totally understanding of it. What values are most important to you when you are professing it? If your ideals were superficial, totally lacking in substance, chances of you being able to attract a partner with valuable substances would be slim because likes attracts like minds.

Love only pays those who appreciate that it has a life of its own, operates on a principle of fairness as well as vision.

Before you fall in love again, ask yourself what you want from life, how you want to be treated and who do you think would help you best in achieving your dreams.  Quality love requires you to look inwards and not outwards. It is what we each have inside of us that last forever, not what we look like or have in life. Therefore you must be ready to dig deep by making all the initial sacrifices.

Most important is to allow the spirit of God help you in making the last choice because sometimes what we think is gold may indeed be tarnished object wrapped in golden wrapper. It takes only the grace of God to know who is real from who’s fake.

Good luck. 

He sounds too nice to be real…

Deasr  Agatha,

I am 18 years of age. A friend of mine gave my phone number to a 20-year-old guy. The guy lives in Onitsha. We daily talk on the phone. I have fallen in love with him. He tells me everything that he does on a daily basis including the bit about sleeping with other women. Whenever he does that, he calls me to apologise to me. What I am afraid of is whether he loves me as much as I do. 

Recently, he gave me his sister’s number. He wants me to call the sister so she and I could be friends. He says he is very much in love with me and would never take me to bed. Please I am confused. Help me out.

Confused Teenager.

Dear Confused Teenager, 

This isn’t the kind of problem that should be agitating your mind now. Rather, you should be more particular about passing your examinations and earning a good place in the society later in life. 

A man who sleeps with other women and comes back to tell you in the first place isn’t the kind of man you should invest too much emotions on. If he cares for you, he should be able to exercise self-control. It is a sign that if you two are able to hold up for a long time and eventually end up as an item; he would never be faithful to you. That he tells you what he gets to do behind your back isn’t an excuse for what he is doing to your emotions.

Besides this is the obvious thing, what manner of love do you feel for someone you haven’t met or do not know anything about? You could feel a certain attachment to him on account of your daily communication with him. This could have created fondness for his voice and not necessarily for his person. It takes much more for love to grow. True love is a feeling that must go through all the processes of refinement for it to be resilient. He doesn’t know you neither do you know him beyond the images you have of each other through telephone conversations. So what are both of you falling in love with? You are both in love with the idea of being in love rather than with love itself.

And for love to be firmly established, there must be preponderance of friendship in the relationship. These are things that don’t happen through the telephone. You must see beyond someone’s physical appearance or doctored conversation to appreciate whom a person really is. As it is, can you tell if this man has the kind of temperament you want in a man, has the same kind of values, cultural outlooks as well as attitude towards life as you?

What kind of hygiene does he have as a person? What is he engaged in? Who are his friends and what values do they project? These are things you don’t get to know through telephone conversation. For all you know he may be into social vices you don’t want to be associated with. There are so many things involved with falling in love than you can imagine. At 20, he too doesn’t have the depth of knowledge to be in love the way it should be. Love to you both is the adrenaline you feel in your vein, which in most cases is sexual. 

For now, don’t build your hope on anything serious between the two of you. Slow down, get to meet and know the character of the person you have been talking to daily. Be careful you don’t fall victim of his antics because a young man of his age who has no scruples sleeping with different women has certainly develop the trick of sweet, talking a woman into his bed.

When you two eventually meet in person, ensure whatever you both have to say to each other is done in an open place. Don’t for whatever reason be alone with him in an enclosed place. A man can take a woman who isn’t smart and careful to bed without her knowing how it all happened. So be very careful where you go with him.

Take each day of the friendship at a time. Don’t rush or give too much meaning into what you think you feel. Only time can tell what precisely you feel for him and he for you.

Good luck. 

Her reassuring love needs practical action…

Dear Agatha, 

I appreciate you. There is this problem I have tried to contain within myself. I have proposed to this lady in my life but whom I discover is rather secretive with information. This constantly makes me wonder if she has something to hide. 

We have known each other since 2000 but she is in Liberia. I asked her what course she is reading in school, she didn’t say; what she is doing to fund her studies, she is also not saying anything. She was in Nigeria before she went to Liberia in 2006.

I also demanded to know what she is doing with my marriage proposal, also met a resounding sound of silence from her. I asked her to send me her recent photographs and she also didn’t respond to this request and appears reluctant to oblige me anything. 

But she keeps calling me and assuring me of her love, and how she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She says her destiny is in my hands. But I am very worried at her reluctance to give me details of her life in Liberia.

What do I do?

BJ.

Dear BJ, 

Are you in the first place serious about your proposal to this lady? Are you sure you are in love with her at all? A man’s heart is where his treasures are. In her shoes any woman would do same. You haven’t seen the woman you want to marry since 2006, and you haven’t made any attempt to look for her?

Liberia isn’t outside the continent that you cannot save towards going to spend time with her. Even if it is, if you are truly determined to find answers to your questions, you would have long saved towards going to wherever she is to see for yourself. Even if this woman trusts you, what about her family members and friends who all would at one time or the other asked her what kind of man would leave his woman for that long and not bother to find out if all is well with her?

If she is refusing to answer all your questions concerning her well being as well as the sponsorship of her education, it is only because you have not acted like a man serious about his proposal to settle down with her.  Ideally, shouldn’t you be sending something to her, no matter how merger? You have been dating a woman for 10 years without making the effort to know her parents or some of her family members? For four years, she has been away to a foreign land, not far from where you stay you are contented with only telephone conversations? You don’t even know what she does for a living or the kind of course she is reading? 

What if she has changed from the woman you know? What if she is lying to you about being in the university or other things about her new life? For a man who wants to marry her, you haven’t even started at all or demonstrated any kind of serious commitment to her.

Your attitude certainly calls to question your understanding of what you actually want from this woman and life generally. Are you saying there has been no other woman for you in the last four years? Can you sincerely answer that question? There is no way this lady can ever trust you when you haven’t shown a thirst for her presence in your life. 

If you really want answers, go and visit her in Liberia. Make the determination to transit your relationship from its current telephone-pal status to something more realistic. Honestly, no matter your financial status, if you are really resolute about seeing her, you will in no time save enough money to pay your bills to and fro Liberia. Being a 
West African country, you don’t need a visa to visit for a few days. 

Your presence in that country would solve a lot of issues between the two of you. One, it would give you answers to your questions and also solve some of her own puzzles about you. 

As a woman, she may have taken some decisions based on your attitude, which your effort at coming to see her would help nullify. 

Relationship is like a flower: without manure, attention and care, it will die a natural death. Four years is a long time to leave a woman without showing care, concern, attention and support. You both will be guided as to what steps you should take by the time the visit is over. 

Good luck. 

Memory of my ex sends guys off…

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 25 years of age. I had my first relationship when I was in higher institution. We dated for five years and he wanted us to marry but I couldn’t because I am the first child of the family and wanted to make my family comfortable before marrying. So he married someone else. It’s been three years now and I can’t forget him, neither can I find someone I truly have feelings for or someone that I wholly have the confidence in and belongs to me like this guy.

Now the issue is that I’m scared and worried about my future, because every guy I met, I find myself comparing him with my ex. Besides, I have never really bothered to commit myself to any relationship like I did with him. This attitude of mine has made it impossible for any of the relationships I have had after him last. I am so worried if I will ever be able to find the right man or get married for that matter. 

Early this year, I met this guy: we liked each other, but he was in a relationship and I was in one also. I did not give him much thought because he is short. But we remained friends over time and he would tell me how he is having fundamental issues with his girlfriend after he has gone for the introduction. 

But he never really mentioned the issue that was giving them problems even when I made attempts to find out. On one occasion he invited me to his house, conscious that he has a spot for me, on getting there, I claimed I was two months pregnant for my ex boyfriend. I pretended to cry bitterly about how the pregnancy has affected my family and I. Thinking, this will dissuade him from wanting to have a carnal knowledge of me but I was wrong. He kept on pressurising me and cajoling me until he had his way. I left his house that day very bitter with myself, and regretting my actions of visiting him. It’s been a month now since after the incident, and he has not called me. 

Now, I don’t know what to do, because despite this show of utter wickedness I still think about him. And what even worries me more is why I find it difficult to let go of that which I have lost. Please advise me on what to do.

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

There is no point crying over spilt milk. In your interest, you just must let go the consequences of the choice you made long ago. Count your losses and move on with your life.

Dwelling over the many ‘what could have been’ will never allow you to see anything good in another man. Accept your decision as the act of God. If God had wanted both of you to end up together as an item, both of you would have found away out of the situation then. That you placed your family before him didn’t think him important enough to make the sacrifice for shows that you were not destined to be. More so, you were the one who decided against the relationship, not him. If he mattered to you so much then, you would never have allowed your five years together go down memory lane.

To help yourself get over him, take a little time to revisit your reasons back then. Something other than the reason you gave made you give him up. If you can admit the reason to yourself, that thing you have been afraid of putting a name to, you will find the peace to move on. Don’t allow the guilt of regrets of what could have been between the two of you stop you from moving on with your on life. Regret allowed to stay in the system can be cancerous. Its combination of pains and guilt can stop one from venturing forward again.

Learn to accept that irrespective of what was between the two of you, there is not the chance of both of you having a common future. He has long married and is happy with the choice God led him into making.

On your part, you just have to let go of that feeling of guilt you carry of hurting this man you shared so much with. Without you deleting it from your system, regrets will make it impossible for you to see anything good in another man, appreciate the man for his unique qualities as well as find a relationship more useful than a thing of physical expression. 

Furthermore, you must have a dream of what you want from life. Your inability to define this in the first place, made you give up your dream for your family. If you had any plans for yourself, knew what you wanted from life, had a clear idea of the value of your relationship, you would have known that being married to the right man would be an enhancement for your family values rather than a distraction. 

It is the same reason you slept with this man. Deep down you knew this man would compromise you, yet you went into his house and allowed him to have his way with you. He isn’t wicked rather you are the one that is weak. Men will continue to take advantage especially when they perceive a weakness in you. You simply have to pull yourself together and focus on the kind of future you want. It is only then you would be able to see clearly the kind of man that would give you the kind of support you need to be happy.

To help get over this go to God in prayers. He only can heal you and point you at the direction you should go. 

Good luck. 

She won’t marry me unless I relocate from China to U.S

Dear Agatha 

I am a regular reader of your column and can say that I have learnt a lot from the advice you give to people. 

I really need your help on how to move on with my new lover. Last year, I wrote to you informing you of the problem I was having with my ex-fiancée, who dumped me after I did so much for her. 

You told me to move on with my life. When I told my brother based in United States about my decision as well as my resolve not to marry anyone from Nigeria. He therefore introduced me to the daughter of one of his family friends based in the United Kingdom.

That was a year ago. We have been communicating in the last one-year. When we started, she expressed her reservations over long distant relationship but I assured her it would work; that what was most important is our focus and love for each other. We have been chatting on the internet and phone and I have not wasted time in telling her what I want from her; to be the mother of my children, because I am not getting any younger. I am 32 year of age while she is 24.

Along the line, she stopped calling me the way she used to. I also decided not call her as often as I was. I felt she didn’t really love me the way I love her. About four or five months ago, her father died. She again resumed calling frequently. We subsequently agreed to meet in Nigeria for the burial, but I couldn’t make it because I was really busy here. When she returned from the burial, she told me many guys indicated interest in marrying her. She told me none of them appealed to her. To cut the long story short, I asked her to give me a date when my people would begin the formal thing. She told me anytime we were ready, but said we should begin to live together. 

I told her it wasn’t expedient for me since I was trying to grow my business in China but promised that I would come over the United States for three months to stay with her. This is also to enable me set up a business there. She was in complete agreement with me over this. 

We agreed to commence marriage rites this month. When I called her to discuss something with her, she was sounding strange, not like the woman I know. When I asked what the problem was, she brought up again the issue of long distant relationship. Knowing that we had already addressed this issue, I was turned off and told her that we have to talk it over again but this time not through the phone. That it would be better we discuss it when we see. 

Since I sensed something more to it, I asked why she was bringing up the issue we had already discussed and resolved. She said her friends are warning her against it. For two days now we haven’t spoken too well. 

Agatha, do you think she has changed her mind about marrying me? Please tell me how to make her understand that it is not easy to just change my base like that. I really love her very much. If I fail to marry her, it will be hard for me to love again. I really love and want her.

Worried Lover.

Dear Worried Lover, 

Life is a journey of mystery and absolute submission to the Will of the Almighty. There is nothing you can do on your own if God isn’t in it. To do that would be to fail.

As it is, there is the need first for you to go God and pray before going ahead with this marriage. You have to do everything within you to reconcile with your creator and the Rector and establisher of this institution you are going into. 

From the attitude of this lady, there are a lot of outstanding issues both of you have to get right if you in particular is to derive happiness from this arrangement. It is obvious she is not convinced about her feelings for you. Without this personal conviction on her part that on this marriage, she will never be able to give you what you deserve as her husband. 

Love isn’t something you force; it is something that must develop naturally to make it durable and everlasting. It is also something the two people must really agree on to ward off third party intervention. 

It isn’t also something you go into with an abstract. As it stands now both of you only exist on each other’s imagination. Beyond what you both discuss on the phone, she is complete stranger to you just as you to her. You both would be marrying imaginations of each other because you haven’t really had time to meet and discuss as two persons who want to spend the rest of their lives together.

For instance, what do you know about her as a person? Can you tell her behaviour from the crowd, her reactions or temperament when certain situations occur? What if you marry her and discover she isn’t your kind of woman in the first place? Sincerely, agreeing to marry when your relationship has only existed on the Internet and phone isn’t ideal. You are both jumping the gun. Marriage is more serious than you in particular are taking it to be. There is no way you marry a woman without a slight knowledge of the kind of woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with. 

This may actually be her concern. Having reflected deeply, she may have come to the realisation that she would be taking an undue risk with her future to agree to a marriage to a complete stranger. Whether you like it or not, you are both strangers to each other. That you communicate everyday on the phone doesn’t make both of you less of strangers. She is more introspective because as a woman, once the mistake is made, the journey of rediscovery is often more tedious than for a man. 

Like you said, both of you must come together not to plan a wedding but to iron out the huge areas of differences as well as confusions about the character of your persons. 

For instance, you both have to leave your impression of each other and move into reality mode. No matter how civilised the world becomes, there are still basic things a man need in his woman and home. These are things you cannot tell if she has through your telephone conversation. On the outside, she may be an ideal wife material to people who recommended her to you but you may discover she isn’t really your kind of woman at the end of the day.

She may, on seeing you in person, become irritated by your appearance. These are issues you both have to get cleared before you can move on or think of making your relationship permanent. 

When you meet her, first of all discuss your relationship and plans with all the honesty it deserves. Remember, this is your future that is on the line. Marriage is not how long but how well. Be grateful that you are experiencing these minor hiccups now and not after marriage. It is always better to manage issues before a marriage becomes official than to when the lines have been signed. Such post marital failures become so profound and incapacitating to the individuals involved. 

Truthfully, this is not the time for you to get angry or question her love for you. She may actually be in love with you but is afraid of the risk of planning a marriage with someone she hardly knows. 

For this reason both of you may have to delay whatever you plan for this Christmas. Instead use this period to get to know yourselves. Get to discover the persons behind the telephone conversations as well behind the masks you both project to the world. 

This is your marriage, not your brother’s or her family’s. If both of you are unable to grow the marriage eventually the failure would be yours. Don’t allow the disappointment of your former relationship make you become desperate at all. 

By allowing the will of God prevail, you give yourself rest of mind and freedom from future regrets. 

Good luck. 

How do I know good girl for marriage?

Dear Agatha, 

It’s always great reading the advice you give to people, and I confess I have been learning a lot from them. I badly need your advice on this issue eating me up.
 I am a 34-year-old self-employed graduate who hasn’t experienced a true man and woman relationship in his life until early this year. Although I am not a virgin but my father’s abusive nature as well as the kind of upbringing he exposed us to makes it difficult for me to approach any woman for a relationship. My father treated us like babies hence chatting women for me is a huge problem. 

I wish to marry a lady who would love me for what I am. How do I know if I meet one? I am confused whether to marrying a graduate like me, or secondary school leaver. Please I need your urgent reply. 

Confused Guy.

Dear Confused Guy,

There is nothing much in talking to a lady. All you have to do is to be your natural self. Don’t try to impress because that is where the problem usually begins. By being your natural self, you give her the chance to see the real you, know what your limitations are as well as your strength. This way you give her the choice to develop natural likeness for you or not.

Irrespective of whatever kind of training you had as a child, the fact that you have been able to talk and sleep with a woman shows that your problem isn’t your inability to talk to a woman but ability to manage a relationship beyond the physical side, a backlash of your relationship with your father. Because you lacked the warmth of a fatherly love as well as freedom to discover who you are, get into pranks like all children do, the knowledge of growing your relationship is missing.

To have a good relationship with anyone, you just have to learn to be friends with yourself first. Get to know who you are first; discover what makes you happy and complete as a person and a man. You also have to think of the kind of life you want, only then can you have a clear image of the kind of woman who will make you happy. It is only when you are at peace with yourself that you can conduct a successful relationship. To get the full benefit any relationship you enter into, look beyond sex and physical looks into the nature of the person involved. Look for friendship first in any woman you see. It is essential that you are able to communicate with each other easily. It is imperative that you are able to talk, get to know each other as two friends. This must be followed by a natural desire to find out the unique nature about the other person’s personality. 

In this package is contained temperament, patience, understanding, support, selflessness as well as loyalty. It is about the quality of faith both of you have in God as well as the determination to put the interest of the other person first. 

Unless you put in extra effort to forget the way your father treated you, it will always come between you and happiness. At 34, you should step out of that time in your life and crave a life of your own outside what your father did to you. It will become your personal tragedy if you allow the shadow of the past to always act as barrier to a happy future. The only way you can show your father that his kind of training wasn’t the best is to be happy by making a choice of the right woman to help you give your children the kind of warmth you were denied as a child. This is where your victory is as a man and one who didn’t have a nice childhood. 

A woman who loves you would put your happiness, comfort and interest before hers; won’t bother herself with what you are but who you are.  Paper qualification is immaterial to a happy union. Marriage is a very personal thing. A woman doesn’t have to be a graduate to make a good wife. The only qualification to have a marriage is true love for one’s spouse. True love breeds respect and support for one’s partner. Look out for a woman who has the fear of God and who loves you. Once a woman is in love with her man, there is nothing she cannot do to make the man happy. 

Good luck. 

She accuses me of sexually molesting our six-month-old daughter

Dear Agatha,

I met a lady who supposedly was from a Christian home. Her parents are both pastors in the Redeemed Christian Church of God. I met her through a friend in September 2003 and I travelled down to see her for the first time in December of that same year. 

Prior to our meeting, I requested my friend to take her to see my pastor and his wife who immediately had reservation about her. 

My pastor’s wife said she looked desperate, very manipulative and that she is not a wife material. 

She says she never ceases to have this feeling of impending danger anytime she thinks about her. 

The husband said it is not the will of God because it is not possible to marry someone you met over the Internet.

He also said the pastor of the church she attends, in a previous meeting, demonstrated an ungodly character. Even the friend who introduced us later said the girl is not the right choice and started listing some flaws he noticed in her. 

Hearing this, I sent an e-mail to her telling her all I have heard and decided to end the relationship. She replied that she is from a good home; that her parents are both pastors. 

She wondered why I would base my decision on one side of the story. I showed an elderly female friend of mine her mail; this friend said she was genuine. 

Thereafter, I went to pray about it because I was really confused, the response I got from the Lord is, “this lady has tremendous capacity to go all the way” but in retrospect, I did not discern correctly because the Lord looks at us not from where we are now, but at our potentials. 

Despite several warnings from my friend and pastors, I went ahead and reconciled with her. She later told me the reason my friend didn’t like her anymore was because she refused him kissing her. 

As we progressed in the relationship she started asking for money from me. When I met her she was jobless, so I started sending her money ($100) every month via Western Union Money Transfer. In August 2004, she got a job with a soft drink manufacturing company. 

Despite that, she told me to buy her a car.

I took a student loan of $1600 and send it to her to buy a car.  Every year, from 2003 to 2007, I travelled to see her in Nigeria. In 2004 we did the introduction. 

Something significant happened but I ignored the warning sign. My mother gave me $400 to give to her parents and when she learnt about the money, she wanted the money to herself.  

She reported me to her parents that I didn’t want to release the money. However, when they heard my side of the story, her father beat her blue/black.  At that point, I wanted to call off the introduction but the family begged me and I thought she would change or I would be able to change her. She was 28 years old when I met her. 

We did the court wedding in 2005. Being an American citizen, she was able to file for her to join me in America, March 2007. When she joined me in the United States, I went through hell with her, all the warning character flaws; she acted everything out to the maximum. She called the cops on me three times and lied that I beat her that I wanted to kill her. 

Before I left for the U.S., she was pregnant but called me to say her father advised against her getting pregnant since we hadn’t done the engagement according to the customs of the Yoruba. 

The evacuation wasn’t done properly hence we had to see a specialist when she came over to the U.S.

 She was able to eventually conceive and gave birth to a baby girl in April 2008.

We had several problems, the parents were constantly interfering, and she started to keep male friends in Nigeria. In July 2009, she begged me to allow her mother take my daughter to Nigeria for six months so she could save money to buy a car. I reluctantly agreed, only for her to accuse me of sexually molesting my own daughter at six months of age. 

I reported everything happening in my marriage to the pastor of the Redeemed Christian Church of God we were attending; he tried his best but the problems persisted in the marriage. The parents came forward to say the reason we were having problem is because we did not have “a Church wedding.” 

Due to the problems we were having, sex was completely dead between us. Along the line, I started masturbation and pornography to find ease. In November 2009, she went home to connect and did introduction with her former college sweetheart who she once dated in her 200-level at University of Lagos. 

They had sex before she came to the U.S. God actually showed me one morning while I was praying. In April 2010, she filed for divorce and it became official in August 2010. She and this man are now married.

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

That a man or woman is a pastor or related to one is not enough reason to marry that person. 

Unless God says the person is right, such assumption often than not leads to problems later in a union. No matter how much we try, our inner being still has the power to make us do things our way rather than the way God tells us to do it. 

Many a time, we quote only the sections of the Bible that pays us at that time, ignoring what God is saying about a particular situation or what another passage in the Bible is saying about that same situation.

Well, since she is remarried, there is nothing you can do about it but to move on with your life. Life is like a trading house; you gain here and lose there. 

This marriage was not meant to be from day one but you went into it because you wanted her at all cost in your life. Had you tarried for the voice and desires of God for you, all these would have been avoided. But God knows everything and deliberately allows us go through some difficult and unpleasant situations to learn deeper than others about the complexities of life. 

One major lesson here is not what a person appears to be or his or her family is but who the person really is. You based your acceptance of her on the fact her parents are both pastors. 

Also, you did not bother to ask God properly. Had you gone to him for a confirmation, He would have properly explained to you what He meant by what you thought you heard. 

At any rate, the mistake has been made; the thing is for you not to fall into another mistake. For now, the most important person you have to consider is your daughter. Ensure you are always in touch with the child; if need be, let your parents also get interested in the upkeep of the child. It is the only way you can water-down whatever negative stories your wife and in-laws may tell about you to your child. She is the gain from that relationship so don’t allow her grow without your presence or input. Since the mother is re-married, you could offer to take the child off them. Your mother can always help with the child until she is old enough to go over to the United States.

Another thing is for you to develop a very personal relationship with God. By not allowing whatever happened between the two of you get in the way of your relationship with God and another woman, you end up victorious at the end of the day. Before going into anything new, ask God to help you find your own weak areas. There is no way she alone would destroyed the union without some help from you. Be truthful and accept your own mistakes. 

The essence of this is to avoid making in them in your next relationship. The beauty of life is in our ability to accept our faults and make the vow to change for the better. 

You may not have gained much from this marriage by way of marital bliss but when it comes to the required experience to live with another woman, you have gained in terms of managing a woman’s temperament and all the other emotions that come to play when two people live together.

Perhaps the greatest lesson for you is the necessity of creating time to know who your partner is before taking the final step of matrimony. 

You knew next to nothing about this lady; as a matter of fact, you acted like one desperate to marry at all cost. 

Next time, devote time to knowing who your partner is as well as having your plans on what kind of marriage you want. 

This one failed because you did not prepare for it; did not bother to map out a plan for your marriage at all. This is the reason you picked just any woman to share your life. 

Had you a plan, you would have known from day one if both of you could live together forever. 

First, get over your disappointment, plan your life before looking for a woman who would help you realise your dream in life. This way, you would be able to recognise in any woman the qualities you have in mind in a woman after your heart.

Above all, learn to trust God implicitly.

Good luck.