We can’t enjoy sex due to morals fed us as kids…

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Dear Agatha,

I am in desperate need for help and advice. This is something I am too ashamed to discuss with anybody. I am a pastor. My wife and I married as virgins.

I was 35 when I got married and was already a pastor. All my life I have worked in various capacities in the church. I grew up in that kind of home where sex was never discussed. As a matter of fact, I didn’t know what to expect until my wedding night.

I didn’t even have the guts to woo a woman. My mother actually married my wife for me. She is the daughter of a very close friend of hers. As expected my mother and her friend share the same ideology about life.

The only time my mother made reference to sex was after our wedding night, when she called me aside for a talk. She told me it wasn’t to be taken as food, that my wife should be contented with whatever I give her and that I should remember that Adam fell because he couldn’t resist Eve. She said I should not allow my labours in God’s vineyard to go down the drain over a woman.

We have been married for two years now. After that wedding night, my wife and I haven’t summoned the courage to sleep together again. She says she is still praying to God for forgiveness for what we did on our wedding night.

My family and hers are beginning to ask questions about our ability to produce children. My mother is very worried because I am her only child and she wants grandchildren like every other woman.

Recently she shocked me by asking me if she can secretly make plans for me to have another wife in the village that would give her grandchildren.

I am confused and too ashamed to ask, how can I enjoy sex with my wife and how can I get her to relax?

Confused Hubby.


Dear Confused Hubby,

Honestly, I admit this is one of the toughest problems I have had to deal with, but I am confident this is one problem God would solve for you and your wife.

To begin with, flee from your mothers. These women are the main cause of the problem you and your wife are having now. If you and your wife haven’t been able to make love after your wedding night two years ago, it underscores the amount of damaging information they have brainwashed you two with.

Having experienced matrimony for the number of years they have been married to your fathers, they should have known how important sex is to couple and the institution of marriage generally. As women, they ought to know what is true from what isn’t. That they were the ones feeding your brains with ideologies that are totally wrong and unworkable is rather unfortunate. Can they in all honestly say they only sleep with their husbands only when they want to produce babies? Is your mother in particular saying she slept with your father only on the occasion that produced you and that since then she hasn’t had sex with her husband?

Let’s assume for the sake of argument that she and your father actually premised their marriage on this doctrine of hers, time should have told her that it wouldn’t work for you.

The fallacy of her position is made evident in her current demand that she arranges another woman for you secretly to give her grandchildren. You should have told her that the problem is not in your wife’s ability to conceive but as a result of the combined effort of her and her friend in damaging the psychology of your wife who is still praying for forgiveness for sleeping with her husband two years ago.

You should call the two friends to find ways of undoing their massive damage on your wife and you. To keep quiet is to give the impression that your wife is actually at fault when in reality she is only acting the script in a play written for her by her mother and yours long before you both got married.

Tell your mother that her twisted sense of moral values is the reason she hasn’t had a grand child two years after your marriage. Invite your mother-in-law to begin the process of debriefing your wife, making her understand that sex isn’t ugly, dirty, frigid and full of pains, but most important of all that there is no sin in enjoying intimacy with one’s spouse.

Both your mother and her friend have to come and plead with your wife to see sex as one of her major duties in your house. She must be made to understand that without giving in to sex, she has no business in your house and is actually a sin before God for a woman to deny her husband sex. She has to be told that she is unwittingly pushing you into the waiting arms of another woman as well as exposing your ministry to temptations.

The duplicity of your mother is her insistence she marries secretly for you. If you allow her to do this, she would have finally destroyed you forever. Sincerely, you are not doing yourself any good by not letting her know the problem she has caused for you. The danger of allowing too much access to you now is embedded in your wife’s refusal to sleep with you. It makes you very vulnerable and open to temptations.

Wherever your mother’s effort in making you hate sex, you remain a man that any determined lady to have you can get. The fact that you have gone through it one is already registered in your brain and would take the attractive body and smell of a woman to bring back. The fact is you may not have planned for it, both the combination of lust, pressure from your mother to have a child and the refusal of your wife to sleep with you would make you do what you don’t want to do.

Therefore you need to be careful because the same woman who once cautioned you against being a sex slave for the sake of your ministry is no longer so concerned for your ministry. She now wants a grandchild from her only child. When a mother becomes that desperate for a grandchild, there is no telling what she would do.

This is really the time for you to grow out of your jacket as your mother’s tool. The situation in your home has continued for this long because you lack the will to think and take on challenges head on. Although you didn’t say it, you are secretly relying on your mother to find solutions to this mess. This is not a way to live life as a man. It is time you took charge of your life completely as a man of 35 years old. You have gone past the age of tutorials. As a pastor, you should know how important sex is. You don’t need your mother anymore to tell you that it isn’t dirty or a sin. Natural curiosity should have made you to investigate the nature of sex. If a member of your congregation should approach you with this kind of problem, how would you handle it? This is why you should grow up and stop allowing your mother dictate what pattern your life should take.

Doubtless, the Bible frowns against premarital affairs but it doesn’t limit sex to a baby machine routine. Sex as a special gift from God, a tool that binds and soften the rough edges of married life, it also bridges the difficulties of two total strangers coming together to form a home. Above all, it is a covenant between a man and a woman.

No matter how tense a situation in a marriage is, once the man and woman are able to make love, a lot of the tension goes out of the issue making it easy for the couple to make peace.

As the man of the house, it is time you sat your wife down for some home truths. It is unimaginable that two years after your marriage, you have only slept with each other once. She is also not too young or naïve to know that when a man gets married, she is expected to sleep with her husband and that it is the only way babies are conceived. So the idea of her finding it a sin is strange and absolutely laughable. Also let her know the first time for women is always a painful experience.

Make it clear you are ready to exercise your rights as her husband any moment from now. But take your time to make it enjoyable for both of you by having an opened mind about sex. See it as a gift, something to be enjoyed by allowing your natural instinct help navigate you.

There is nothing difficult about it. It is just a matter of having the right attitude towards sex. This is the message you must communicate to your wife. I am sure once she gets the right signal from you, backed with relevant Bible passages to help her understand that she is not doing anything she isn’t supposed to do, things would improve significantly between the two of you.

If she won’t mind meeting me, let her come to my office. She needs another view of what sex is to function effectively.

Good luck.